5. INT. GRIMACE HEADQUARTERS - DAY

What looks to be an abandoned laboratory serves as The Phantom Grimace's base of operations.  There's a bunch of SCIENTIFIC LOOKING DEVICES with a whole slew of dials, buttons, levers and little bells that go PING when looked at the wrong way.  Since we barely know what's happened thus far and we wrote the damn thing, a NARRATOR speaks.  We're thinking MARTIN SHEEN or DONALD SUTHERLAND.  They do car commercials, they've got good voices.  Whoever works for less money.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
As the holiday season draws nigh, The Phantom Grimace and his new sidekick
Franchise Boy prepare for the battle ahead of them.
SHADOWY FIGURE
(sighs)
Damn the voices in my head.  Now they sound like something out of a car
commercial.

FRANCHISE BOY

You say something, P.G.?
SHADOWY FIGURE
(startled, he was talking to himself again)
No, not at all, Franchise Boy.

FRANCHISE BOY

But you look troubled.  What is it o fearless leader?

SHADOWY FIGURE

Something seems wrong about this entire ordeal, Franchise Boy.  I feel like
we're trapped within poorly written dialogue and meaningless scenes.  I would
say we'd been teleported into a Steven Seagal movie, but I don't feel a mind-
numbing urge to save the environment.  What do you think, Franchise Boy?

FRANCHISE BOY is sacked out on the sofa, snoring heavily.


Last uploaded: November 27, 1998

Some Short Cuts

Guten tag, you're it!  It's the Widgeman, large and in charge right here in the web browser of your choice, bringing you the latest things that I think about while I'm trying to pick the lock on my cell door with my teeth.

First of all, let me say this:  How about those Rugrats, eh?  They trounced Will "Alien Buttkicker" Smith!  Who knew?  Nickelodeon's pleased since their hopes for a Good Burger franchise were dashed to bits on the rocks below and now they might be actually be able to seek membership in the prestigious Franchise Club.  You know--that neat place where Star Wars and Raiders are permanently on the board of directors and Aliens is on probation?  Where Die Hard lounges in a nice comfy chair while others like Godzilla and The Avengers serve finger foods?  You know that place.  Very exclusive, very ritzy.

And speaking of burgers, what's up with Jan de Bont's Food movie?  It uncannily reminds me of the talking cow from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy five book trilogy.  And no, I won't explain that to the uninitiated.  It would lose a lot in the translation.  Read a book.

And speaking of books, isn't it a shame that the Vampire$ movie didn't follow the book?  I just got finished reading that sucker and let me tell you, whether you liked the Carpenter movie or you thought it was a waste of your already wasted time (like yours truly), it would have been a much better film had they...simply...followed the book.  Sigh.

So speaking of chairs, enough with the idle chit chat.  It's the holiday season here in the United States where I write my columns, and it's specifically Thanksgiving.  So I tried to think of some things that I personally was thankful for and share them with all of you.  We're like one big dysfunctional family here at Corona anyway, right?  Uncle Roc's the stern guy who keeps telling stories about wars you know never happened; Deadpool's that weird guy who likes to interchange the heads on your sister's Barbie dolls and your Mutant Morpher action figures; and Patrick's that father figure who wonders which of the kids called all those 900 numbers during the family dinner. And me, well, I always think of myself as that cousin that won't shut up and you wish would just go the hell home.  So gnaw on a turkey leg and read this week's episode, called:

Bludgeoning You With Thanks This Holiday Season

First of all, I am thankful for filmmakers like Darren Aronofsky, who seem to believe in good movies.  They want to make good movies and they understand that they're movies first, products second.  What a concept, eh?  I'm just thankful for indie filmmakers in general.  They keep life interesting.

I am thankful that I never have to watch the movie Batman and Robin again, unless I finish up the Batman and Robin Drinking Game and need to beta test it.  "Alicia Silverstone says anything...chug twice.  Uma Thurman's hair gets larger...quaff briskly."

I am thankful that I can still go and rent The Tin Drum without the gestapo coming and breaking down my door and sending me and my pet iguana into solitary confinement.  I know, that doesn't make the witch hunters happy but screw them.  And in another side related thankfulness thing, I'm thankful that Lolita finally got shown in theaters in this country, partly because it was a fairly decent adaptation and partly because it pissed off the witch hunters.  Again I say screw them.

I am thankful for 15-screen cineplexes.  It takes a lot of work to concurrently show 15 crappy films, so something good has to show up eventually.  That's my theory, anyway.

I am thankful that certain films like Mighty Joe Young outline the entire film for you in their trailers, so you can pretty much decide over the course of two minutes whether or not you should see them.  Disney should be grateful for Charlize Theron, otherwise that would have "rental" written all over it.  And speaking of trailers, I am also thankful that George did not outline the entire outline of this column's namesake in its trailer.  Extra dressing for you, Mr G.

I am thankful that Anthony Hopkins was able to recycle the hair he had in the prison sequences of Mask of Zorro for his new film, Instinct.  Waste of hair is reaching epidemic proportions worldwide, you know.

I am thankful for Stanley Kubrick because he has provided so much amusement and buzz and conversational fodder about that next film of his.  I am also grateful to him for messing with everyone's heads.  Including Warner Brothers.  Especially Warner Brothers.

I am thankful that everyone responsible for Two Girls and a Guy are getting behind it as some kind of Oscar contender.  I needed a good laugh at the time that came across the wire.  Next thing you're going to see is The Avengers pushing for best editing.  And no, to go ahead and answer your question I won't leave that film alone.

I am thankful that Devlin and Emmerich don't plan on releasing any more films before they've been test screened.  Quaid saves the day with a crop duster that has explosives strapped to the wings?  Huh?  Immortal fish?  What?  "Dr. Clue: please come to Emergency stat!"

I am thankful that I'm not one of those people who thought Something About Mary was the funniest thing to come along since Arthur.  I'm on enough medication as it stands.

And finally, I'm thankful for the opportunity to come into your homes, offices, garages, orbiting satellites, arctic stations, whatever, on a weekly basis and assail you with various things.  No, really, I mean it.  When I think that this time last year I was a mere custodian here at Corona and now they let me write columns between bouts of floor waxing, I just get all misty.

Or maybe it's that concentrated cleansing powder.  I'll know in a second, cause I'll start sneezing.


Widgett is a figment of humanity's collective imagination given flesh, operating from a secret underwater fortress in an undisclosed location off the coast of Iowa .  He is the founder of The Sleep Deprivation Institute and an active member of the Secret Society of Guerilla Ontologists.  When he's not championing independent films or complaining, he spends his dwindling free time writing short fiction, poetry, novels, essays, screenplays and children's books under a pseudonym.  He also does weddings and bar mitzvahs.  His rates are quite reasonable, as he can normally be found wandering the halls of Corona HQ with a sign around his neck that says, "Will Write For Food."

Previous issues of Widgett's column are also available.