Director's Cut
Last uploaded: August 30, 1998

The Revenge of Widgett

(Patrick here: Wid had another couple of things he'd like to say on DC before my troops arrived and took back the CA studio. So I'm gonna stand back and let the ol' Widgemeister have the floor once again, this time with two script reviews for a pair of upcoming feature films. Don'tcha just love it when CA has more than one writer? God knows I do. -- PS)

Hey-ho, everyone.  Widge here with another installment of what's steadily becoming known throughout the provinces as the Director's Rant.  In case you're just tuning in, no doubt you've heard that Patrick is fulfilling his lifelong dream of crossing Canada on a Harley motorcycle with nothing but the clothes on his back.  That takes, you know, bravery and stuff.  So I'm sure he'll be back real soon with his new "Born to Ride" tat, which he'll no doubt post a gif of when he gets a second.  But for now, I've got a couple of script reviews to impart upon you, for those that want them.

Before this project was announced, I had never heard of the children's book by E.B. White.  And before you start freaking out on me, realize that I had read Charlotte's Web, I just missed this one somehow.  Now we've got the film version on its way, starring Hugh Laurie, Geena Davis, and Jonathan Lipnicki as the Little Family, who go off to adopt a child.  Apparently we're in a world, though, where all animals can talk and everyone considers it fairly normal.  Thus, the orphanage in question is populated by parentless children and animals alike.  When the Littles meet the child who looks "somewhat like a mouse," Stuart, it's a match made in heaven.  They are warned that parenting a child of a different species may be difficult (and it is), but they're willing to work through it.

The draft I read was dated 11 June 1997 and is written by M. Night Shyamalan, who not only has the distinction of having one of the coolest names I've ever heard, but is a great writer to boot.  Having not read the book, I can't tell you how well it was adapted, but the screenplay is enjoyable to read and funny in a smart and quirky sort of way.  The quirkiness comes from the Little Family, who can adopt a mouse without blinking an eye.  Mr. Little can guess what you're about to say and beats you to the punch.  George Little (their human son) is in the basement most of the time.  Snowball, the cat, likes to go out with the boys (sorry, cats) and do things "evil and unnecessary".  The smart comes from how the family is so careful because their son is a "Mouse-American" and they don't want to offend him.  Also, they buy him clothes from the "Ben" line of doll clothing.

This is a family film that I would like to see done well, and in my mind, if they stick with this script, it will be.  Granted, the "happy family" formula is tried, true and possibly tired, but the likable characters, well-written dialogue and (notice how I mention this last) special effects will more than offset any naysayers in the audience to try to guess what's next.  I didn't know much about Stuart before hand, but I'm looking forward to the film now.

Now that we're done with the happy family-oriented stuff, let's get down to the big Nasty.  Take a good hard look at the picture up there.  Yeah, it's just that silly.  Trey Parker writes, directs, stars and washes the dishes in this film that combines Mormon angst with superheroes with porn.  You heard me.  Basically, Joe Young (how mighty he is is for you to decide, grasshopper) goes to Hollywood to make it big.  Mistaking a porn movie audition for Death of a Salesman tryouts, Joe gets swept/threatened into becoming the star of the superhero horizontal mambofest called...you guess it, Orgazmo.  He's not too pleased about this because he's (a) engaged and (2) a Mormon.  Dian Bachar plays Orgazmo's sidekick, whose name is so disturbing that I won't mention it here.  I'm still in therapy.  Regardless, you recall he played Parker's sidekick "Bitch" in BASEketball as well.  That thing on Parker's right hand is the Orgasmatron, which shoots a ray that gives you, well, a really good fuzzy feeling.  Yeah.  And Bachar is wearing a utility belt that contains...things that...you know, do stuff.  Ahem.  Anyway.  Throw in a villain and the need for the two pornstars to actually fight crime in real life and you get...well, a very silly screenplay.

The version that I have sitting right next to my jumbo coffee mug is dated 15 February 1995 and says cryptically "Version 2."  From reviews I've seen of those who have caught this film at various and sundry film festivals out and about, the script has changed somewhat.  But this is what I got, this is what I'll roll with.  Surprisingly, and maybe wisely, the script makes fun of only two out of its three subjects.  The superhero moments are classic--they win one fight just because their adversary can't stop laughing at how ridiculous they look.  The porn moments are funny, especially Joe's reaction to the naked women he finds himself surrounded by, and that reaction is normally stupefied horror.  However--

When the script is funny, it's damn funny.  When it's not, it's...well, not.  I'm sure by now, Trey has evened this sucker out and it would make for a quality, um, superhero porn comedy.  Problems ensue when you have gigantic peaks of laughing out loud followed by pages of, well, uneventful reading.  I'm understandably pissed just like Trey in regards to the NC-17 the film received from our friends at the MPAA.  Something About Mary, which was not as funny as this script and twice as nasty (hair gel, anyone?) gets an R and this gets an NC-17?  Uh-huh.  Is it the stigma of the rating itself that should give us pause?  No.  It's the fact that Showgirls got that rating too, and who the hell wants to be reminded of that dud?  Sheesh.  Good luck, Trey--I've got my fingers crossed.
 

Well, hopefully this will make you informed shoppers in the cinematic showcase that we have approached from the Gamma Quadrant at ramming speed.  Just trying to do my part.  Anyway, until next time this is the Widgemonger, eating twelve bowls a day of every cereal known to man just to spite Total, saying, "Keep your head in the clouds, but keep clawing at the lid of that coffin."  Bye now.

Widgett
Pre-Modernist, Doctor of Exopsychology
Coming Attractions

who's standing in for

Patrick Sauriol
Creator, Chief Content Writer & Director
Coming Attractions

Got some neato items from the shoot? Parking passes, photos from the set?? Poster images, or the latest hot script making the rounds???
That's why we're here.

Send them to our mailing address:

Coming Attractions
7971 Burnfield Crescent
Burnaby, B.C., CANADA
V5E 2B8

FAX: (604) 517-4405

We'll do our best to get 'em on the page. (Just remember to poke air holes in the parcel if it's alive -- thanks.)


Looking for a cute, cuddly and completely unique gift?
Come browse the selection of designer ornamental teddy bears - and say hello to Klondike Kate bear, Sherlock Holmes bear, and Grandma Bear!
Each bear is lovingly hand-crafted, meticulously detailed - and no two are alike!
Visit the Kootenay Bear Necessities online boutique to learn more!

Previous issues of Director's Cut are also available.