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The Vampire's Lair
Sexy Transvestites, Fake Hair, and Big Boobs
What is a "sexy transvestite" and how do you define it? Is
it a myth conjured up by a select group of horny men or a reality that can
be served to the masses? I can tell you how I see it based upon my
observations
of the aforementioned horny men. Some of these horny men just so happen
to be crossdressers. Others are horny men who love crossdressers. The one
thing these men all have in common is - you guessed it - they're horny!
I have come up with a list of attributes for what I believe horny men
look for in sexy transvestites. If you want to turn on these types of men,
you must dress in the following manner:
- Start with the coolest top you can find. Perhaps something made with
black lace so you can get that partial see-through effect. You want to
show off your new attachable breast forms that don't quite match your skin
color. If you have breast implants, forget the lace top. Go for a low-cut
V neck to show off that bountiful cleavage and if your boobs aren't
bountiful,
add silicone breast enhancers to increase your cup size to at least a C
cup and possibly more.
- Wear the shortest miniskirt you can find. It should preferably be black
leather or shiny black vinyl, but an animal print will do just as well.
- Wear the highest heeled shoes you can find. A four-inch or five-inch
heel is not enough. Six or seven inches is more the norm. Be sure the heels
are patent leather pumps with really slender stiletto heels, preferably
black to match your skirt or even red to add that touch of wicked contrast.
Perhaps leopard skin prints are your fancy. Go for it!
- Wrap your legs in black, red, or white fishnet pantyhose and, if you
can find them, aqua blue fishnets for that touch of pizzazz. Or, go bare
if you dare, especially if your skin is milky white from the lack of sun.
Body glitter will especially cover up all signs of fair skin, so cover
all of the exposed parts of your body with body glitter.
- Dig out the rattiest, frizziest, blonde wig you have in the back of
your closet. Don't bother to spruce it up. The tousled, "out of the
box" look always wins a few smiles of admiration. Don't even bother
making sure it covers up your own hair. Hair spray gives your wig a natural
lift, curl, and sheen.
- For your makeup, choose a ghost white foundation and cover your entire
face with it. Do not bother to blend the foundation on your face with your
neck to make everything appear more even. Do not even bother to shave your
face clean because the white makeup will cover up any evidence of beard
shadow. Everyone knows that light shades draw an onlooker's attention away
from obvious flaws, such as the existence of an Adam's apple.
- Dust a series of coats of face powder over your foundation and be sure
to cover your untweezed eyebrows. By covering your eyebrows, you hope that
others will not be able to see them as you pencil in very thin eyebrows
in their place with your dark grey eyebrow pencil.
- For lipstick, select the reddest "freak me" red you have,
the brighter the better. Contrast the red with iridescent blue eyeshadow,
plum blush, and a dark grey eyebrow pencil. These four shades are all from
opposing color families and will give you the glint and glamour of a Rainbow
Brite doll.
- Extra long acrylic nails are a must, the longer the better. Men love
it when you run these nails along their faces and end up scratching out
an eye or two. Be sure to wear bright flourescent colors (pink, blue, green,
orange) no matter what season it is. After all, the bright colors will
draw attention to your beautiful nails.
- Lots of gaudy jewelry, such as big bangle earrings and bracelets are
a must, espectally if you have big manly hands. Silver is nice, gold is
better. Items encrusted with red, blue, or green jewels are even better,
the better to show off those big mitts. Rhinestones are a drag queen's
best friend, so wear your rhinestone necklaces with pride as you do your
best performance of Barbra or Liza. Oh, yes, and don't forget that ankle
bracelet or ankle tattoo that resembles a little green vine or a long stemmed
rose. Wear both.
- Carry a knapsack that resembles some popular stuffed animal like Elmo
or Dogbert. This will give you that quintessential club look. Carry lollipops
in your bag and dsitribute them to everyone you meet. This clever disguise
will belie your age and make others believe you are 15 when you are really
40.
- A faux fur wrap or boa is not a bad accessory. It just adds that touch
of Hollywood glamour to your entire look. A nice finishing touch.
Ack. Enough of this crap. Of course, I hope you all know the above was
meant to be satire. Or did you take me seriously? Believe it or not, I've
come across crossdressers who have displayed one or more of the above
attributes.
Pretty scary, huh? Those of you who have ten or more years of makeup experience
are not protected from the above foul-ups because you may have been doing
everything all wrong for ten or more years and not even know it.
The longer you take to convince yourself that you've done something right
when, in fact, you've done it wrong, the harder it will be to change your
ways for the better. Don't just trust your wife or female companion's opinion.
It is hard for a loved one to provide an objective point of view. Get a
concerted opinion from a number of beauty experts.
Everyone can benefit from the advice of a professional makeup artist,
so please make an appointment to see one any chance you get. You do not
want to be left behind with outdated looks and makeup techniques. Just a
word from someone who cares.
"I Want a Girl With Extensions in Her Hair..." - LL Cool
J
I think I know why I like crossdressing so much. It's the sexual component
of it. Some crossdressers dress as women so they could be ogled at and dated
(in every sense of the word) by men. Others, like me, like it because it
feels so damn good, especially when someone else is doing something to make
you look prettier and more desirable as a woman.
This year, I hired the services of a hair weaver named Linda Cruz, a
real-life, much better-looking version of Tia Carrere (trust me, I'm a very
tough judge) to add hair extensions to my hair. Prior to the service, I
gave Linda a sample of my hair so she could color match it with the bags
of hair extensions at her local hair and beauty supply products shop. She
chose natural hair extensions in a shade of black with a hint of brown.
She purchased only one bag of hair extensions and, when I saw the little
bag, I was skeptical, feeling that the hair in that bag would not be enough
to cover my whole head. The hair comes in a tightly wound roll. Strips of
hair extensions are measured and cut as needed.
Linda assured me that the hair that was in the bag was enough. She took
the hair out, unrolled the tracks, and showed me a little technique to make
hair extensions go farther. She pointed out that each track was actually
two tracks sewn together. If you attached the tracks as is, you can have
a very thick and luxurious full head of hair, however, having all that hair
would mean a lot more upkeep (as I could attest to from last year) and
styling.
If you attached the tracks individually, you can still have a full head
of hair, but your hair will look sparser and finer. If you've read my articles
and books over the years, you'll learn that in order to achieve a realistic
feminine image, you have to have not only a well made up face, but an equally
flattering hair style that suits your face and makeup. The less your hair
looks like a wig, the more realistic you look, so if you do get hair
extensions,
try to get your stylist to add as little new hair as possible while still
maintaining realism. This conforms to the fact that most women's hairstyles
are not very long these days.
There are some cities with rich heritages in glitz and glamour where
"big hair" is fashionable. If you live in or near a city that
is not like this, then you will be committing a style sin by going against
the norm. It is great to be a pioneer, but if you do not have the right
personality for being a pioneering type, you will be gawked at in a negative
way.
My hair extensions were a lot shorter this year than last year. The
extensions
I got last year were sewn into my hair and were meant to be worn long-term
(up to four months). This year, Linda attached the hair extensions using
the glue method. I had plenty of reservations about the glue method thinking
that, since the method was cheaper and less time-consuming, the service
was probably of a lower quality than the sew-in method.
Similar to the sew-in method, the hair extensions are attached to your
hair along tracks. With the sew-in method, tracks are made of thread or
a thin twine that is interwoven between strands of your own hair along their
roots. With the glue method, tracks are created by separating your hair
into layers using a comb and hairpins, measuring a strip of hair from the
roll of hair extensions along an imaginary track from one side of your head
to the other (usually from ear to ear), running a bead of glue along the
strip, and attaching this strip along the roots of the hair track by pressing
down on the track and waiting for the glue to set and dry (usually about
30 seconds). A hair dryer helps speed up the drying process.
The tracks in both methods follow a concentric ring path around the head,
except they look more like semi-circles, since they go from ear to ear.
An average head requires six or seven of these concentric ring tracks and
two or three smaller straight-across tracks across the top of the head.
Linda gave me a sexy cowlick by attaching a small strip to the top part
of my head in this manner. Mary watched the whole process fervently and
helped Linda with a couple of the tracks. From what I could tell, the process
was not difficult, but, like any skill, it did require knowing exactly what
to do and when to do certain things.
After Linda finished the process and styled my hair with a hot curling
iron, I looked in a mirror and was amazed. Linda gave me a full-looking
Janet Jackson kind of hairstyle, curling all of my hair with the hair
extensions
mixed in. The effect was flawless. My hair looked like it was all mine.
I touched my hair and played with it, excited by the fact that the hair
was all mine. I didn't have a thick wig-like head of hair, but hair that
you would swear was mine if you examined it closely. Best of all, you could
see my hairline and my hair along with my scalp, which would be impossible
with a wig.
I didn't have any makeup on and, in fact, I was not exactly clean-shaven,
so I looked like a scruffy guy with a woman's hairstyle, kind of disco-ish,
but I marveled at the possibilities of what I would look like as a woman,
all spruced up and smiling, the next night. That delicious thought got me
really excited and, if you've ever felt really excited about looking very
sexy, you'll know what I mean.
Once the hair extensions are in, you could color treat your hair, perm
it, and style it in any way you want just as if it were your own natural
head of hair. On Halloween night, I opted to color select strands of my
hair with a temporary hair color in a shade of blonde a la Kirstie Alley
in her show, Veronica's Closet. The effect gave me a nice frame around
my face, a kind of halo effect.
Cool beans, you may say, but what are the problems? There are two major
disadvantages with the glue method. First, the glue smells like raw fish.
You'll need to remember to spritz yourself with a couple of extra shots
of perfume to hide the odor. Second, you can't wash glue-in hair extensions
because any shampoo you use might dissolve the glue and loosen the extensions
to the point of falling out.
While there are some people who shower every day but wash their hair
every other day (a lot of women do this, according to magazine surveys),
I was always used to showering and washing my hair every day. Before I had
the extensions glued in, I shuddered at the thought that I would be living
in itch city for a couple of days.
I prepared for the day of the hair extension process by washing my hair
twice very thoroughly, conditioning it for ten minutes, and washing it yet
a third time. My hair, usually naturally silky smooth, felt like the softest
thing I've ever felt. Linda liked my hair and thought it was a good base
for the hair extensions. She did criticize my hair for being too short in
places. I like to wear my hair very short and cropped on the sides in boy
mode. Linda scolded me for getting a haircut in such a short amount of time
(one month ago) when I knew I was getting hair extensions so soon
afterwards.
If you recall last year's Halloween hair extensions I had, I had let
my hair grow so long that my front cowlick reached my upper lip. That's
a lot of hair! This year, my cowlick barely reached the middle of my nose
and my side hairs were no longer than an inch compared to the two to three
inch long side hairs from last year. If you take a look at all of my pictures,
the hair you see up front (that sexy cowlick) is made up of about 75% my
own hair and 25% hair extensions. The blonde-colored streaks are created
with Revlon's Street Wear Hair Highlights in a shade called Brassroots.
The color looks neat against dark hair and the strawberry scent the product
emanates is divine.
Removing glue-in hair extensions is easy but time-consuming. Just fill
your bathtub with water, soak your hair in the water, and run conditioner
along your hair roots to dissolve the glue and allow the hair extensions
to loosen their hold on your hair. You can literally "tear" the
hair extensions right off after the glue has sufficiently dissolved. I am
told that if you wear your glue-in hair extensions for a sufficiently long
period of time and you don't wash your hair, the natural oils in your hair
will dissolve the glue and loosen the hair extensions. Besides, your hair
will stink. My advice is to wear your glue-in hair extensions for three
to five days maximum. Your scalp will need a rest and a good wash after
this time.
I love having hair extensions. I feel that it is an important part of
looking and being real. In my view of the feminine image, having hair that
looks real is every bit as vital as having a perfectly made up face, wearing
beautiful sculptured nails, and donning clothes that best flatter your body
and make people say, "Wow, what a good-looking girl!"
Fun Stuff
Kevyn Aucoin's book, Making Faces, is on the New York Times Best
Seller list and with good reason. Kevyn gives his readers the right blend
of step-by-step technique with color illustrations and photographs. The
last time I saw a book this good was Mary Quant's Ultimate Makeup and
Beauty, a wonderful guide to learning basic makeup application technique.
Bobbi Brown's Bobbi Brown Beauty lacks the step-by-step techniques
and color illustrations and Cindy Crawford's Basic Face is too basic
to be useful. Kevyn's book is centered around the notion of creating different
looks and proceeds to give you step-by-step techniques to achieve each one.
Run, do not walk, to your local bookstore and buy this book. You will learn
a new technique or three.
Fly: the art of the club flyer by Nicole Ackland-Snow showcases
the emerging artwork genre of the club flyer. Some of the designs you will
see on these three-by-five cards are truly amazing. Be sure to check out
the promo photo of that fabulous drag DJ, Jon Pleased Wimmen. The
book's motto is "No flyer = No people = No club." We clubkids
live it, babe. Martin Pesch pens the equally fascinating Techno Style:
the album cover art, a look at the art of techno and house music
as it appears on underground dance album covers and club flyers.
For those who are into the consummate coffee table book, pick up a copy
of Scavullo: Photographs, 50 Years, a collection of gorgeous portraits
from Iman to Truman Capote to Elizabeth Taylor. Also of interest is Amy
Holman Edelman's The Little Black Dress, an essential fashion item
made famous by Audrey Hepburn and Betty Boop.
Estee Lauder, Guerlain, Givenchy, and Christian
Dior have gussied up their lipstick tubes and compacts with a solid
gold look, making them bigger, shinier, and glitzier than ever. Clarins'
lipstick tubes and compacts are embellished with faux rubies and diamonds.
"The packaging is as important to the luxury of the experience as the
makeup itself," says Anton-Philip Hunger of Guerlain. Don't take them
out of your purse in a dark alleyway.
The next time you're removing nail polish, try using 100 percent cotton
balls instead of synthetic cotton balls. The real deal takes everything
off smoothly.
Cosmopolitan Virtual Makeover (CVM) by SegaSoft is a fast, fun,
and realistic way to try new cosmetic looks without the risk of expensive
makeover sessions. In a couple of easy steps, your photograph appears on
the screen. Choose from over 150 hairstyles, 200 hair color options, makeup,
concealer, blush, eye shadow, lip color, eye color, and expert tips from
the editors of Cosmopolitan. Options are included for male makeovers, too,
or, if you dare, make the man in your life (such as yourself!) look chic
or glamorous as a woman.
Like any programming "firsts," CVM is not perfect. The system
requires that you have a photograph of your face that must conform to exact
requirements for best results. That means a frontal face shot with no smiling,
no wild hairstyles, and absolutely no makeup. I can see some of you drag
queens out there rolling up your eyes and trying to fake a faint. Sorry,
you just need that perfect color picture of you in your drab boy self. Once
this requirement is out of the way, you must scan the photograph in and
line it up with the guides provided in the program.
There are a variety of makeup options available, from foundation and
concealer to colored powders and lipsticks to different hair styles. While
the color options are not very varied (they are all colors chosen from the
Cover Girl line of cosmetics, obviously a big advertiser in
Cosmopolitan),
there is a large selection of hair styles to play with. Hair can be colored
in one of four primary shades (black, auburn, red, and blonde) and darkened
or lightened to exactly suit your face. Hair highlights can also be added.
Once you are finished with your artwork, you can print out a copy of your
masterpiece for a salon makeup artist and hairstylist to see.
One valuable tip: It is extremely tedious to apply foundation and concealer
on the face and the controls don't really help. My advice is to take a picture
of yourself in your drab boy self with makeup, concealer, and face powder
already on. That way, you can simply play with the colors and hairstyles,
the real strengths of the program.
My wife and I remember a computer program that a number of salons used
several years ago that did exactly the same thing as CVM. The only difference
between the two was the price. The salon program cost over $3000 and required
additional computer hardware and floor space to use. CVM is only $39.95
and runs on your Pentium PC or Power Macintosh equipped with a CD-ROM drive.
Several updates to the program in the form of hair style and accessory add-ons
are available free of charge or for a nominal fee on Segasoft's Web site.
For the cyberqueen, CVM is a must-have, a valuable tool for the budding
beautician.
Big, Bouncing Boobs and the Girls Who Wear Them
I must take a few moments to warn you against wearing heavy silicone
breast forms attached to your body for any extended period of time, especially
if you're involved in any activity that requires you to be very active and
on the move (dancing, jumping, running). I filmed myself in a bunch of videos
where I did a lot of dancing and striptease. I was moving frantically in
a lot of them, having fun filming each one, however, when I removed the
breast forms, I noticed that my skin around the forms were either inflamed
or torn, leaving a red ring around the circumference of each pectoral, a
direct result of the heavy forms (they were between a C and D cup) pulling
and tugging at my chest wall.
My chest wasn't used to this extreme pressure, but it coped as best as
it could. Besides the red ring, the skin underneath the removed breast form
took on a pink irritated-looking hue and itched like mad for the next two
weeks. I massaged moisturizer into my skin during those days and it helped
only marginally. The only thing I could do was wait for my chest to completely
heal before I do something so foolish again. These were heavy breast forms,
much heavier than the Mirage breast forms I was used to. In addition, I
did quite a bit of frantic movement while wearing these breast forms. I
was lucky the forms didn't tear my chest right off.
It's about a month later and I've got what looks like permanent brown
scars on my chest. I'm sure time will heal my chest wall some more, but
the whole ordeal makes me want to kick myself for doing it in the first
place (yeah, it was fun!). So, a word to the wise... don't do the jigglies
with your wigglies. No, that didn't quite come out right. Uhhmmm... just
be careful when you're playing with breasts that are a little too big for
you. Darn, that didn't sound right, either. (Yes, it did, but I won't admit
to it!) See you next month!
If you would like to find out more about Kalina, click
here to check out her Web site!
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