Well I went and did it. I plotted and planned and purchased and put it all on and went out into the world, in broad daylight, no less.
It seems a terribly long time coming, but it has been only a couple of years ago that I came out to myself and then
to my wife
. As a result, I've been under-dressing (Linda & Vanessa Kay's term), wearing femme under things and hose, almost daily for over a year now. But those activities just weren't enough, I had to let Julie out, somehow and some way.
Although my wife is aware of my feminine side, she has told me the she is not ready to see me all made up. This is progress, very, very slow progress. The more I go through this, the more I understand the critical importance of continued, calm communication between us. It helps me to remember that I've been dealing with this for decades, and she's only had a little more than a year of it. But the point is that I will not, cannot go back into the closet, out-of-sight out-of-mind, so to speak. Then in a December TGF article by Vanessa (http://www.3dcom.com/couples/revol.html) titled Resolution or Revolution, I found the insight that I needed. In her article, she said, "no matter how hard you try to be someone other than yourself, you will always be you. You cannot become someone, or something you are not. However, you can become the person that is inside of you."
YES! That was IT. I had come out to me, I had come out to my wife, but I hadn't let Julie come out!
I work in Atlanta Georgia, and have been aware of the T* groups in the area. I had decided some time ago that Sigma Epsilon, the local chapter of Tri-Esse was where I could go to find a place to let Julie come into her own existence. In December, after deciding that I had to be Julie, I checked out the schedule of meeting dates for Sig-Ep only to find that 1998's date weren't yet posted. I emailed Kerri to ask about the spring 1998 meetings. A plan was starting to form.
My wife would be out of town from Wednesday through Sunday the weekend of March 14th. Was Sig-Ep going to meet then? After a couple of back-and-forths, I received a message from Kerri that yes, Sig-Ep would be meeting then, and also the January meeting, she told me, was in two parts, the usual dressed activities, and a special non-dressed part for couples. Things were looking hopeful.
I decided to attempt more communications with my wife about my need to express Julie. Remember, communication means listening as well as talking. Just talking is a form of broadcasting (or in this case narrow-casting). The results were more and less than I expected. At this time, she was still not ready to meet Julie. I could, however dress when she was out of town.
I've researched and read all that I can about the spouses' perspective and I could detect several of the issues I've come across in what she said. She is worried about my safety, our safety, and her safety. She knows (and I know) that my plate is full (I work full time and also am in a Ph.D. program taking courses, plus church and other avocational commitments), and she didn't want me to over-commit myself.
So, was she interested in going to the January Sig-Ep meeting for spouses? No, not at this time.
Would it be OK if I went to the March meeting? OK, but be very, very careful. (YES!)
Now what to wear?
Julies' wardrobe was limited, but I had been assembling the materials needed to construct a feminine shape. A good wig from a CD friendly retailer, TGF How-to-do-it-your-self articles for prosthetics. But what girl can go out without the correct dress for the occasion? I would need two outfits; one for Friday evening and another for Saturday. Friday evening, I would go to the Sig-Ep reception and the supper with some of the ladies. Saturday would be the chapter meeting for first-timers and then something else in the afternoon followed by supper.
The Friday evening dress, a long black dress with a not-too-subtle flower print and coordinated red knit long-sleeved jacket, I found at a local women's dress chain, Cato. The good news is that the largest size they carry is my size. So how to buy a dress? How about going in, looking through all of the racks, making a selection in an unhurried manner, taking the selection to the checkout counter and saying "I'd like to buy this"? But I did a little more. I went to the store one weekday morning when it was unlikely it would be overrun with customers. I know my size, based on trial an error from consignment shop purchases, so I knew which racks of clothes to look through. I had an idea of what would be appropriate for an evening spent in the bar, restaurant and lounge at the nice hotel where Sig-Ep meets. Just to make sure, before I bought the dress, I asked a sales lady, who appeared to be at least in her thirties and was dressed conservatively, if she thought that the dress would be right for dinner and the bar at a hotel on a Friday night? She said that it seemed just right to her, if it wasn't going to be a formal, sit down dinner. I said that is wasn't. As she processed my purchase, she said she was impressed that I was so thoughtful, and that most men didn't seem to have a clue about what to wear and when. I told her that I had a pretty good idea of what was needed, and in my mind played with the idea of saying, "well its for me, and I have a pretty good taste", but I didn't. I thanked her and said that I appreciated her help.
That left Saturday to plan for and an interesting twist of events.
In January, one of older dry-goods stores on the square in the little town near our home had a going out of business sale. It was a case of a family owned business running out of family. The bargains were to die for!
I went shopping with my wife and found some men's shoes as she was going through the dresses and trying-on some. As I was waiting for her, I started to look through the selection of dresses in my size. When she, with a little verification from me, had made her selections, she asked if there was anything that I wanted. With my heart pounding in my throat, I asked her which of two dresses, in my size, she liked. She picked the blue one, the
one I'm wearing in my pictures in this article. I was floating. It was hard to keep from shouting A DRESS, SHE BOUGHT ME A DRESS!
Now I had my Saturday outfit. Then came the waiting for March.
I have nice nails that seem to grow rapidly, so it wasn't hard to have business-length nails by shaping them with an emery board instead of clipping them every week. What about hair? My wig is OK, but what about body hair? I'd have long sleeves with both dress, so what about my legs? I'd shave my feet and ankles, up to my sock tops, but I'd wait until Saturday to make my decision about leg hair removal. I did decide to wear nothing but boy clothes the week before my outing to maximize the difference.
I first planned to take Friday off from work, but had to work until noon. No problem, home by 2:00 P.M., VERY close shave of the face, shower, body splash, under-things, waist nipper, hip pads, bra and inserts, now to work on my face and neck. The dress has a scoop front, so I had made sure that I was hairless on top, and to cover skin problems I used my DermaBlend there as well as my neck, and the areas under my eyes, down my nose and around my mouth and chin. Basically the places that need the most hiding, get the Dermablend. Then the setting powder, then my foundation & powder, then my eyes (not too dramatic), and finally my lips, liner first, then lipstick. (Thank you, ALL of you who have kept up the series of articles on TGF about how to do your makeup!). Now for my slip, the dress, and finally my wig. A few minutes work with the brush with the wig on a stand, then on me. Now for my jewelry, clip-on ear rings, necklace, femme watch. Now transfer the important stuff into my handbag (a little black one) and into my femme purse, driver's licensee, credit card, $$, who to call in an emergency, now for my shoes, black flats, I was interested in walking rather than high style. The time is now 4:30, the Sig Ep hospitality suite opens at 5:00, no problem, I didn't want to be the first there anyway.
I had moved my wife's car out of the garage and driven my truck into it so I could, as Dae later said, do a Bat-Cave exit. I was headed into downtown Atlanta at rush hour and I figured that I could handle traffic better from my truck, than from the car. I would be going in the opposite direction to rush-hour traffic, so I wasn't too worried. Besides, over the last few weeks I had been looking for and seeing plenty of women driving trucks by themselves. The directions I had received from Cheryl were great, and in about 45 minutes, I drove into the hotel parking lot. On the way, I had not seen anyone paying the lady driving the truck (me) any attention; the rats racing out of town had other things on their minds. Now to get from the parking lot into the hotel.
I gathered my thoughts, I hadn't come this far to sit in the truck in the parking lot. OK out of the truck in the most modest manner possible, straighten out my dress, and sweater, collect my handbag, make sure the truck keys are in the bag, lock the door, head for the main entrance. Walking en femme, outside in the crisp, sunny afternoon, across the paved lot, sidewalk, and now the pavers leading to the main doors, is very different than strolling around the house. Eye contact with the Doorman, he smiles, opens the door and says good afternoon ma'am, and I'm thrilled, its my first ma'am! Look for the sign to the elevators, turn right, past women and men, young and old, to the elevators. When I get there, two young women have already pressed the elevator button, and an empty one arrives. We step into the elevator, its full of mirrors, I press the button for the floor I want and stand facing the doors, watching out of the side of my eyes for any reactions from the women, but they are in the middle of a conversation and pay me no attention (whew). My floor is reached first, so I depart thinking so what if they read me, it will provide them with something else to talk about. I see a sign that directs me to the Sig-EP suite, down a long hall. I see an open door and a sign-in book by the door, but this is my first time, so I make my entrance into the suite and Dae and Fae greet me warmly.
Over the next few hours that speed by I meet many friendly, and to me, wonderful people. I decide not to venture out into the unknown restaurant scene, but instead, head down to the bar/lounge for a drink, and then to dinner in the hotel. Too soon I have to leave, but I've meet people younger and older, bigger and smaller, much more passable and less than me, but all there to provide mutual support and to enjoy a night out en femme.
On the way home, the fuel gauge lets me know that before I return for tomorrow's meetings, I will have to fill the tank, so I decide that I would rather do this tonight at 11:30 P.M. instead of tomorrow morning. I stop one of those large discount fuel stations, in fact the one I usually use. I had noticed that every time I stop there the staff has changed, so I figured there wasn't much risk of being recognized. I fill it up, walk with lady like steps into the store, stand in line, hand over the money, receive my change and am out without incident.
As I write this, it has been over a month ago that I had my first outing as Julie. I have been asking myself, was it what I expected? What did I feel? What did I learn?
For some time I have been cultivating the inner woman in me. I have been listening to her and feeling things from her perspective. When I put on my clothes, my makeup and my wig it is as though I turn a coin over. It’s the same coin, no matter which face is showing, so when I'm dressed em femme, and Julie faces the world, I still face the world. What I have discovered is that the world sees what expects to see, and that if I am Julie, not a man in a dress, then the world sees Julie and so far, treats her with the same respect and courtesy that she affords others.
My life is even busier now than it was before and I don't know when I'll get an opportunity to go out again as Julie, however after the positive experiences I had that weekend in March, I think my next outings will be solo doing things other normal people do. Isn't it ironic? I just want to be me, sometimes interacting with the world as a male, sometimes as a female, but always me.
Julie J.
Jhayden@randomc.com