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Caged
by Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.
It has been one thing for me to see and to accept myself for who I really am, especially in terms of my gender concerns, but it has been something else for me to act on what I have finally realized to be the truth about myself. The following poem was originally written at the time of the divorce from my first spouse and prior to any realization that my inner struggles had something to do with gender identity. It is nevertheless applicable to that gender struggle and the decisions it has encompassed. The poem is called, Caged:
I left my cage one day.
The door was open,
and out I walked.
I don't know
who opened the door.
Maybe I did.
But there I was,
breathing in
and breathing out,
full of choice
and hope,
and scared,
but I would not return.
I left behind
a comfortable existence.
The bars told me
where I was
and what I could do.
But someho
I had friends,
but they didn't have me.
So I left it all,
turning,
taking a chance out there.
I stayed outside for a while.
I was cageless
to live and to love
and to do
whatever I pleased,
but I felt detached.
I met others,
some in cages
and some outside.
The ones I liked the most
were in very special cages.
I joined them,
and once again I was
caged.
When I was caged
the first time
and life looked full,
I felt empty.
When I was cageless
and life looked free,
I felt lost.
Now I am in a cage again,
but this time
a cage of choice
and plan,
of friendship
and daily living.
I have been caged
and free
and both times trapped.
Now I am caged
and really free.
Maybe life is
a cage on wheels
with elastic bars
in a sensitive zoo
of our own admission.
It is probably safe to say that we are only as free as the limits we each accept. If that is so, then the cage of life is different for each of us. From a transgender point of view, freedom depends on what we each can accept for ourselves. The task of acceptance, in this instance, is usually quite difficult, for most likely the achievement does not equal the depth of our yearning. A realistic acceptance of less than the ideal is perhaps the biggest test of ones character. But there is usually a place, a relationship, or some kind of involvement in life which is possible for the transgendered person and which offers some measure of significant fulfillment. That possibility must be nurtured by enough patience, by enough effort, and by enough wisdom. Life may be a jungle or even a zoo and not always sensitive to our individual needs, but if we can each become more sensitive to ourselves and to each other, then somehow the zoo as a whole becomes more sensitive and may offer us a cage worth entering. The issue may very well be, not whether or not one lives in a cage (or closet, if you will), but rather how large a cage (or closet) we each need and can handle.
Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com
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