Transgender

Forum











Sensitivity

By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the gender community for over nine years, particularly with significant others and couples groups. Julie is a regular colunnist for the DVG newsletter and has also contributed to the ETVC newsletter, Tapestry and the Femme Mirror. Julie was ETVC Member of the Year for 1995. Her e-mail address is julie39@ibm.net. She may also be reached through the DVG hotline at 510-937-8432 or by snail mail to DVG, PO Box 272885, Concord, CA 94527-2885

After crossdressers have come out to their wives or partners and their relationship seems to be progressing in a favorable manner, they seem surprised and puzzled when these same wives do not seem as enthusiastic about their crossdressing as they once were. For example, a crossdresser reports, "There are times I dress at home and my wife doesn't bat an eye. Other times I do the same thing and I can feel the ice cubes forming in her eyes. I didn't do anything different. Now I am thoroughly confused and feel guilty all the time. I don't have a clue as to what I did wrong?" Sound familiar.

Then there is the crossdresser who cannot understand why his wife is upset when he announces after coming home from his support group, "Honey, a couple of the guys want to go out tomorrow night. Shouldn't be too late. OK?" And he wonders why she gives him the cold shoulder. Sound familiar.

We all know that when crossdressers first come out, in their excitement and enthusiasm in finding others and feeling good about themselves, they may tend to neglect the needs of their significant others. They need to be sensitive to her needs and not go overboard either in staying home and crossdressing or in going out with crossdressing friends.

In keeping the relationship positive the crossdresser may need to slow way down, especially in the beginning. Remember that all of these new behaviors represent change to the wife and change is not easy to understand or adapt to. She still needs reassurance that her life is not being turned upside down.

The best way to find out exactly how the significant other feels is to ASK her. If he feels the "ice cubes forming" find out what is wrong. Begin communicating; don't wait until the situation gets out of hand. Issues such as going out, how often to dress, where to dress may need to be addressed several times. The significant other may feel one way one week and completely different the next. She has concerns and fears and is probably not a happy camper about all this. So allowances have to be made for her ups and downs especially during the early days.

When the wife or partner, nurturer that she is, realizes that the crossdresser is honestly trying to make things work out, she will probably more often than not, meet him more than halfway.

(This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.)

TGF's Home Page