
Letter To A Friend
By Sallyanne Ofner
Dear Bill,
This may come as something of a surprise. But I thought it best to write you about this first and perhaps discuss it.
I have a birth defect. It has been with me most of my conscious life, but I have been able, for most of that time, to ignore it and prevent its affecting my life and that of my loved ones. This defect is called Gender Identity Dysphoria or GID for short. It is extremely rare; about 0.1% of the population suffer from it. It means that when my body was being formed in my mother’s womb, I was subject to a hormonal imbalance in the placental sac as my brain was developing. This imbalance caused my brain to remain, as all human parts do in the absence of male hormonal influence, in the feminine form. I have the brain of a woman and the body of a man.
This likely came about because my mother, like a great number of women at that time, was under severe stress caused by World War II—in my case, I was conceived in March, 1942, a time of very great stress to those with loved ones in the military service as had occurred with my mother. This was the time of the Bataan Death March, the loss of many of the Pacific islands to the Japanese and a time when some portions of the US West Coast had been shelled by Japanese submarines. Ships were sinking daily off the Oregon coast and people were frightened. My mother often told me about the tensions of that time, her extreme discomfort and sense of shock and loss, as did others. This may have been the factor which caused such a condition to develop. We know that there is a higher incidence of those of us with GID who were conceived during wartime than in peaceful periods. But, because all the scientific methods available to us now were not conceived of then, there is really no way to know this for certain.
Although I was aware that I was different in my early life and teens, I was able to forget or suppress any conscious thought of my feelings and pursue a normal childhood. I was good at sports and school, so I was pretty much accepted by other children after the age of 8 or so. I managed to be accepted into and graduate from one of the top universities in the US and to build a not insignificant career. However, there were times at which this GID thing would come back to my conscious mind, but I would put it away, often using alcohol as a means of forgetting, and go on to whatever was important in my life at the time. This went on through ___’s and my courtship and marriage and ___’s adoption. I wish to make this unequivocally clear: I married my spouse and participated in the adoption of our child with no thought of my GID and with the full expectation of acting the role of a responsible husband and father for the remainder of my life.
However, in late 1995, I began to have some serious problems about my own understanding of my gender, not my sexual orientation nor my interest in sex, but the very personal, inner self knowledge, we call gender.. This is often associated with clinical depression, and I suffered from that as well. In July of 1996, while ____ and _____ were on their annual beach vacation, I was completely dysfunctional due to depression, as is often the case for those of us with this malady, even those of us in our fifties. I had very serious consideration of all options as ways out of this dilemma. On reflection, however, I decided to investigate this long-suppressed issue to see if I could do something about it. I believe you may know me enough to know that I would not state the foregoing without something very serious going on. Interestingly, on taking this decision to go forward, my depression left me.
Having studied some materials earlier, I did know that, if I truly did have GID, there are only two cures: death or transition to as close an approximation to the appropriate gender as possible. There is a medical specialty group with a world-wide membership, called the Harry Benjamin Gender Identity Dysphoria Association made, up of medical and psychological specialists in this disease which has developed and continues to refine standards of care for patients. These standards are very clear and, for those who truly are affected by GID and follow them, the condition is permanently alleviated. It involves evaluation by psychologists, with a minimum of a master’s degree (mine has a doctorate) who are specialists in this field, reevaluation by other professionals to verify the original diagnosis, long-term administration, in the case of a male to female, of female hormones and the suppression of the male hormone, testosterone, living and working in the specified gender role, and corrective surgery, called gender or sexual reassignment surgery.
I spent much of my free time in July and August, 1996, studying the condition and cases of its cure. I learned a great number of things about it, including the fact that many do not abandon their familial responsibilities and many are very talented professionals in all walks of life, including leading CEO’s, entrepreneurs, attorneys, physicians and other medical professionals, college professors, clergymen, engineers and others from all walks of life. Many of these have demonstrated that their business and professional success has increased following their addressing this defect.
I also learned of and spoke with several who managed to do all this and retain, albeit modified, a family life, including the safe raising of their children and maintained their responsibilities. Some have been able to keep their families together, living a chaste, sisterly life, while raising their children. Most, however, became very estranged with their families and formed a new life separate from them. ___, ___ and I seem to fall in some ways in the former area, rather than the latter.
Ethicists who advise the bishops of the Catholic Church, in the United States, at least, have studied the matter and stated that, provided this is a true birth defect and that the diagnosed individual has followed the aforementioned Standards of Care, and the Church does not condemn such treatment as either sinful or unethical. I, and ___, have discussed the issue with our spiritual advisor, and the priest who married us, of course. Also, I have discussed it within the diocese here and with the Superior of the Congregation of the Holy Cross another personal friend of mine. In brief, our marriage may be annulled at any time, if ___ so wishes; or we may continue living together as sisters if that is our wish. My procession toward transition is moral and permitted, so I will continue receiving the sacraments.
I resolved to do this in such a way as to minimize my family’s disruption and to maintain, in whatever way possible, my ability to earn an income and to support ____ and ___. Failing these things, I would revert and would do whatever I could to maintain a life for them.
I began therapy in September, 1996, and was diagnosed in October of that year. In late October, 1996, I began taking the female hormone, estrogen, in sufficient dosage to suppress my own production of testosterone, and, eventually, to make my body, as far as possible, feminized. Since that time, this has been ongoing under the supervision of my therapist and an endocrinologist, who is a specialist in such treatment. My sex drive has disappeared, and my body has feminized. At the same time, my mind has taken on a feeling of contentment, even in light of the extreme pressures which have accompanied this transition. I have lived pretty much full time as a woman since last March. I will petition the courts here to approve a legal change of name to Sallyanne Frances Ofner very soon. And I will have Genital Reassignment Surgery once things have stabilized with my family, most likely in this Summer.
I have repositioned my firm to that of an investment banking firm owned and managed by a woman, have found acceptance and respect in what I do and have demonstrated an ability to earn a good living doing so. Since last Fall, I have been doing business exclusively as Sallyanne and generally since last March. My interpersonal skills seem to have increased and my analytical skills have remained in very good working order. Interestingly, this has been quite easy, and my acceptance in the board room of corporations has been remarkable. My firm now has vastly increased its reach into capital markets, and I have done much better in a business way than ever before.
Regarding our family situation, ___, of course if fully aware of what is going on. She is not happy about it but is supportive nonetheless. ___ is aware of my plans to transition and has been with me many times when I have successfully presented female. He does not like it, but he also understands that Daddy is sick and that this is the only way she can become better. He is in therapy and has shown a remarkable understanding of the condition and expressed a desire that his family remain together as one. He does not like his friends to know what is happening to me; and, as far as possible, I shall accommodate that wish. We have played tennis several times when in the course of our hitting, I have been addressed as Miss or Ma’am, so this is not unfamiliar territory for him. I feel rather strongly that I can provide some very valuable guidance to him as he grows, especially in several scholastic areas, morals and manners as seen from the perspective of his US half. Current child psychology and legal practice, by the way, has been to note that the transsexuality of a parent is of little consequence in determining a parent’s ongoing relationship with a child. In fact, separation has been found to be of no value, and sometimes detrimental, in such cases. ___ is not as positive about this as I. So, I will continue in ___’s life, as one of his parents, regardless of his living locale.
I know that many ask the question, "If you could have managed to wait so long, why did you not just wait another few years before you did this?" My answer is this. If I could have, I would have. I can not. This is not my idea of fun nor is it a lifestyle choice, but a far more basic one of life. Most transsexuals reach a time, often in middle age when they can no longer suppress this inner dichotomous need. Were I not to transition as I am doing, I would likely not be able to continue living. I can not explain it beyond that simple thought. But I can offer you the understanding that our professional caregivers are not surprised by such strong internal drives. It is one of the common factors found in those with this birth defect.
If you would like more information about this very rare condition, you may wish to look at one or two of the books listed below which can offer a better understanding of the condition and its treatment.
I ask that you not embrace me in this but only understand and accept that, although I do have a choice in this matter, my choice for life is less devastating then the alternative. I would hope that our business relationship would continue within this new situation.
Sincerely,
____ (Sallyanne)
Reference Works
True Selves : Understanding Transsexualism-For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals . San Francisco, Jossey-Bass Publishing, Mildred L. Brown, Chloe Ann Rounsley, 1996. ISBN: 0787902713
The Uninvited Dilemma : A Question of Gender. Lake Oswego, Oregon., Metamorphous Press, Kim Elizabeth Stuart, 1983. ISBN: 0943920175
Conundrum second edition. New York, Henry Holt & Co, Jan Morris, 1987, ISBN: 0805003614
These titles can be ordered on the internet from Amazon Books, < http://www.amazon.com> or often from such bookstores as Barnes & Noble.
|