One of the hardest, but most necessary, rewarding things is to come out, reveal your true self, to a confidant, friend, someone you can talk with. The secrecy we have about our lives is a real downer in that we aren't allowed to express our true feelings and have to keep things bottled up inside ourselves. Being able to talk to anyone, even your dog or cat, can really help you to deal with your inner emotions and help resolve your inner self. Humans are social animals by nature, need companionship, and someone to share things with. This is one of the reasons therapists and support groups are so needed and necessary. If we could just feel free to talk with others it makes a world of difference in our whole being and acceptance of ourselves. I'm going to deal with face to face outing of yourself to others.

Coming out to that first person, that first confidant, is the worst. You will probably pick someone you care about and are scared to death that they will reject you. It is far easier, albeit still hard the first time, to "practice" on a sales clerk at one of your favorite stores. They have probably "guessed" by now that you are buying (if you have frequented the store before) clothing for yourself. They have also probably seen it all before and it won't be a "shock" to find out about your "hobby."

One thing to do when coming out to people is to be open and honest. There is nothing worse than to lie about yourself. It not only makes you perpetuate the lie in later discussions, but you'll have to remember who you said what to. People will respect you more, even if they disagree, if they feel you are being sincere with them. If you are in a shopping center or a mall, be advised that the clerks will usually talk and you'll probably be "out" to most of them within a short while. If that is a concern for home or work take the necessary precautions of being in a different part of town where you aren't known, or another city all together. You don't have to tell the whole truth however. Things like sexual preferences don't have to be discussed and probably shouldn't, especially if they are different from the norm (heterosexual for your sex). Just bypass it in your discussions. It probably won't come up, but it will be on their mind. If it does, just say that it is personal and let it go at that. Most people will accept that for an answer and not dig further. If you are married feel free to talk about it in passing and let them that you are in a committed relationship, with no need to explore further. They probably have noticed the ring on your finger anyway.

Telling a sales clerk is different from a close friend, business associate, or family member. A sales clerk can be told as a matter of desiring some advice on clothing or sundry supplies and saying that it is for you. You can then take the conversation onto its natural progression and talk about yourself if they inquire further, which most seem to.

Telling a close friend, business associate, or relative is another story. You'll have to be prepared for possible rejection and it's emotional consequences. Usually telling them that you value their friendship and have something very personal to discuss with them works well. You have drawn their attention and compassion by letting them know what they mean to you. Then possibly tell them some of your childhood, if it applies, and how you felt growing up. A lot of us have gone through some major changes to our demeanor and that may have become evident. Present a positive image of yourself and show that you have changed for the better. Anyway, what I'm telling you is not to just blurt it out. That is probably the worst thing you can do. The shock value will put them immediately on guard and they won't hear the rest of what you have to say. Take it slowly and build on their interest and compassion. Tell them, in even tones, about yourself and that you felt it necessary to let them know. Don't be afraid to let your feeling show. Emotions can really help, go ahead and let them out, but don't overdo it. Most people will take your sincerity as genuine and be compassionate to your feelings.

Sometimes if you get the feeling of pending rejection it is possible to back out. You'll have peeked their interest, but it may not be the best time for it. Don't be afraid of aborting. It may be better, in the long run, to not tell. I've had times when I felt compelled to let someone know, but when the discussion started, there was a nagging feeling that things wouldn't be taken well. Just let them know that your feelings and that you need to think about things some more. A real friend will offer some compassion, consolation, understanding, and let you know they will be there when you want to talk about whatever you wanted to. You can also just change the topic of discussion from outing to something else that is still personal, but not as daunting. Topics could be another relationship or a financial matter that was, or is for now, weighing on your mind, and would be something that could satisfy their curiosity.

Go slowly when talking to a someone for the first time. Don't tell them everything at once. Take it in stages. You don't have to show any pictures of yourself the first time, but if you do, show some that are more conservative and present you in your best light. Don't bring out the entire photo album. Be prepared to answer all their questions. Definitely don't come out to people in your chosen gender's attire. The shock of seeing you dressed, for most people, will be too much for them. They will focus their attention on your appearance and not on what you have to say. Save the clothing for a later date when and if they are comfortable with you appearing as yourself. Nothing is worse than coming out to someone you care about dressed and having them cringe, reject you, or laugh.

Family members and relatives are some of the hardest people to come out to. Sense of family and their reactions is one of the things that keep us in the closet so long. To have them reject you is very hard emotionally and sometimes financially. It can also be the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." The two questions I'd ask first before doing this is "do they really need to know" and "how is my relationship with them." If your family is out of town or you only see them a couple times a year it may not be something you need to tell them unless you are gong to transition. Don't tell them just to tell. If you are close to your family and have a lot of interactions with them, then it may be something to consider if you are likely to be exposed inadvertently. Unplanned outings with family members don't usually go over too well as you both are surprised. Your relationship with your loved ones matters most of all. If you have a rocky relationship, you may not want to push anything for fear of alienating them forever. If you've a good rapport, you may consider it, especially if anyone in the family has broken the ground before. Be prepared, when outing to your family, to have your therapist available if things don't go too well for both them and yourself. This is doubly important for your spouse and children. Preparing them for your outing with a therapist can help considerably. A therapist, while keeping a confidante, can help you too in determining if your loved ones are ready.

Some people will be very accepting and you'll sense that about them almost immediately. These are some of my closest confidants and friends. You'll probably be surprised at who some of those people are. Some will come out to you too! I've had several people come out to me at the same time as gay or lesbian. Others will tell you about their brother, sister, or other relative who has an alternate lifestyle. Don't assume just because someone is gay or lesbian that they are going to be accepting either. Transphobia can be present in just about anyone. There are still those in the Rainbow Community aren't comfortable talking about gender - sex yes, gender no.

Religious issues get in the way all the time. If someone you are talking to has some religious concerns, don't go on the defensive. They have some very valid concerns for themselves, as much as you have yours. Don't argue. Agree to disagree, but talk reasonably and calmly. Religion is very emotional and can easily get out of control. If you can, seek their acceptance as a person, not their approval of what you are doing or your lifestyle. You'll usually have an easier time if you can separate acceptance and approval with them. A good deal of us had to deal with religious concerns and faith ourselves in our own acceptance of self. Keep in mind that religion is a black and white issue for most people. To introduce a shade of gray takes time. Be patient and don't attack their beliefs. Putting a person on the defensive is not the way to make them accepting.

As you go along you'll find a style of talking to people that fits you and those you talk with. Just keep in mind that there are those who will not be accepting and you'll have to be prepared for it. You will also need to be aware that there are those who cannot keep your "secret" and you may be outed to more people than you realize. People that have a secret like this may need to talk to someone other than you about their own feelings and rooted in beliefs. They may appear ok to you, but now are having some problems of their own. If you've another mutual friend who knows, you may want to let them both know that the other knows. They can form a loose type of support network if they need it, knowing that you have let them both know about yourself.

Just remember to take it easy on people. It's so easy to talk their ear off about things once you have someone to talk to. I've seen sales clerks who avoid certain people because they come in too often, talk too much, and preventing them from doing their job. Stop and listen to your friends and see what they have to say too. You don't have to tell them everything about everything that you've done the night before. Just be yourself and let the conversation flow. Talk about other things that your friend has in common with you or what they like to do. Ask them what they did last weekend first before relating your stories. You'll keep them as friends a lot longer that way.