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The Vampire's Lair






Soda Pop Buzz

That club lass, Angela Gardner and I have been recently seen at the Friday "Shaft" party at Shampoo in Philadelphia. A transgender support group-type (yes, there is a special look to these types of women) approaches me and sits about three feet away from me on a couch in the lounge area. I look at her and she smiles back. She then proceeds to slowly inch her way towards me, then stops and waits a minute before inching again. She's still looking at me. After I get back to my conversation with Angela, the transgender support group-type gets up and walks away. Huh? What the hell?!

Hey, people! Don't be shy! I don't bite. I'll just laugh at you. (I'm kidding!) Just walk up to me and say hi and I'll say hi back. Promise!

By the way, thanks to the three kids from Atlanta who waved and blew kisses to me while I was dancing atop the platform at Shaft. Love you, too!


Like my Boris and Natasha tee?

A friend joined my wife and I for brunch recently at The Astral Plane, that cozy, quaint, and romantic (and gay friendly, too) little restaurant located at 16th and Lombard in Philadelphia. We sat at a table on the second floor next to a window. Propped up against the window was a photograph of Lisa Rage, Miss Gay America 1993, in all her majestic drag queenliness. The Astral Plane is one of my fave restaurants. Their menu changes seasonally and the decor is quite unique and unusual (mismatching furniture and tableware and a ceiling parachute representing clouds). Our friend had "Valerie's French Toast" which was extra thick slices of hallah bread mixed with raspberry cream cheese. My wife had a Western omelette made with extra huge chunks of tomato, red pepper, onions, saltless Canadian bacon, and Bourson cheese. Their omelettes are to die for, by the way. I had the "Cancun Style Brunch" which was grilled chicken and shrimp in a mango salsa drenched tortilla. My usual selection for brunch there is "George Clooney's Brunch" which is grilled Filet Mignon with eggs and potatoes.

I recently got hooked on pho (pronounced "fuh" or sometimes "foo"), a Vietnamese beef noodle soup that is not only good for you (you can't go wrong with rice noodles and beef), but actually tastes great. For a paltry $5 price, you get a very large bowl full of rice vermicelli noodles in a broth seasoned with five different flavorings (including ginger, onions, scallions, basil, and cinnamon) and your choice of any combination of different "meats" (everything from quality eye round steak to beef brisket to book tripe). The raw meats are thrown into the steaming hot broth and the broth slowly cooks the meat right in front of your eyes (kind of like fondu). Personally, I like the eye round steak and beef brisket for additional flavor. As I was eating the eye round steak, I thought to myself, "They should be putting meat this good in Philly cheesesteaks!" The next time you visit South Philly, do not stop by the cheesesteak places like Geno's, Pat's, or Jim's on South Street. Instead, try a delicious bowl of pho and a glass of coconut juice at Pho 75 located at 1122 Washington Avenue.

By the way, those of you who know me know that I love food, so just because I recommend a place, don't think it's because it's gay or transgender-friendly. I don't like limiting myself to restaurants that cater exclusively to (or are frequented exclusively by) alternative lifestyle people because there's a whole world of great food out there. Those who limit their choices of food places are doing themselves a great disservice.

Grrr... the Princeton Tigers should've gone to the Sweet 16. Many of you know my alma mater is Penn and, while I greatly respect Quakers basketball, the Tigers were a really hot team this year. The Quakers will win the Ivy title next year. You heard it here first.

This is what I'm hearing from the working woman these days: I don't have time to paint my nails. I don't have time to dry my hair. I don't have time to style my hair. I don't even have time to wash my hair or get my roots done. I don't have time to defuzz my legs. These are the complaints being made by the very same women who expect everything out of their ideal man.

Wake up and smell the roses, bitches! If you want the perfect partner, you're going to have to pull your weight (and keep it down, too) and do something about your ugly asses. Fix your hair, your face, and your fuzz. Nobody wants a greasy, hairy ape woman! Take a hint or two from the sleek, feminine crossdressers out there.

Okay, enough testosterone. Let's inject some estrogen into our systems...

Me on top of my baby Bimmer.

 

Supermodel Tyra Banks has a new beauty/self-help book out entitled Tyra's Beauty Inside and Out published by Harper-Perennial. It's a softcover book that reads more like an issue of Cosmopolitan than your usual beauty/self-help book (check out the tacky tear-out coupon for Cover Girl makeup products in the center of the book). Topics include skin, makeup, hair, health, fashion, alcohol and drugs, relationships, and self-loving.

Those of you with sensitive eyes may wish to try Almay Amazing Lash Waterproof Mascara. The product claims to thicken and lengthen lashes and last up to 16 hours.

Revlon has produced a bunch of wicked cool colors called LavenDare. Like their Virtual Violet counterparts from two years back, LavenDare colors are hard to wear and require just the right kind of occasion to wear them. L'Oreal has introduced a bright, almost winter holiday-like, green called Grass Roots in their Meta Morphosis line.

Orly has introduced a new line of nail polish called Satin Hues that gives your nails a matte finish (read: dull-looking). Hello, McFly?! Painted nails are supposed to be shiny!

Picture this. You're walking around Manhattan's Park Avenue at 9:00am. You pass by a number of women wearing lots of gaudy jewelry, very heavy makeup, big hair that doesn't move, big fur coats, short skirts, and sky-high heels. They walk in exaggerated steps, move and swerve their hips and arms with utter flamboyance, and talk with voices that resemble a cross between sandpaper and a frog. Sounds like a bunch of drag queens coming out of an all-night dance club, right? Well, no, you'd be wrong. It's scary, but these are genetic women and, yes, these kinds of women do exist in real life.

Hey, hey, was that THE Queen Mary ship in Long Beach that all the stars who attended the Academy Awards stood and poised on for hours before the big show? The same ship that hosts all of those awesome drag parties?


I hate cornball glamour poses like this... but they're cute with a girl like me, right?

Allure Magazine has published their parody of the Oscars called The Glammie Awards. The nominees for best drag queen of 1997 were Lady Chablis in a blue beaded and sequined gown and big silver earrings in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Mick Jagger in a red satin dress as a cabaret performer in Bent, Pam Grier in flight-attendant garb in Jackie Brown, Hazelle Goodman in hot pink vinyl lace-up shorts in Deconstructing Harry, and Fran Drescher in those deliciouslt tacky prints in The Beautician and the Beast. America's fave drag queen is... Fran Drescher. Hey, why weren't Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino (Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion) chosen as nominees?

The Miss Northern States USA female impersonator pageant comes to Philadelphia on Saturday, April 11. Check it out at the Mandell Theatre at Drexel University.

That funky shoe manufacturer, Chinese Laundry, just came out with a new ad featuring two very sexy club girls wearing floppy wigs and dresses made up of a hodgepodge of very bright and very wild fabric designs. For those who don't already know, a couple of my platform shoes are made by this company. Also check out Aldo and Steve Madden shoes while you're at it. Nine West has some awesome snakeskin pumps out.

The search for the ultimate shoe insole continues. Dr. Scholl's makes a horrible line of products that just do not work. Do not be a sucker for the promises on their packaging. An insole less than one-eighth of an inch thick can never truly be comfortable. The foam latex foot cushions are okay for two or three wearings before they fail to do what they originally intended to do. I'd place my money on the gel insole products over both of these. There are two types of gel insoles, one that has its gel encased in a firm, thin shape and a second that also has a firm shell but allows gel liquid to flow freely inside the shell.

Marie Claire has a fun article in their April issue about the future of sex and designing our own sex organs. "By 2040, genetic engineering will be refined to the point where everyone can select their looks. This will result in many women choosing to look like Pamela Lee and men wanting to look like Brad Pitt. Because of human error, the technology will go haywire and 10% of the population will end up with Pamela Lee's breasts and Brad Pitt's penis. This mutant breed of bisexual hermaphrodites will emerge as the trendy new 'in' crowd."

Another article in the same issue states, "The most flattering shade for eyes, lips, and cheeks: pink - no matter what your skin tone." Say what?! Sorry, honey darlings, it's brown.

Kalina's Tip of the Month: If you like to wear attachable breast forms, then you should wear a bra or a support top to hold them up, otherwise you will develop stretch marks similar to many naturally large-chested women.

Well, hope you had fun reading my column this month. If you would like to find out more about me, check out my Web site!



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