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Vanessa Kaye

I Don't Want To Wait

by Vanessa Kaye

There is a popular song these days with the refrain, "I don't want to wait for our lives to be over." The rest of the lyrics are powerful as well. This could well be the theme song for transgendered persons everywhere.

I can remember the movement for wives and mothers to get out of the house and become their "own person." They professed a right to go back to school, get degrees or have a career. They felt that it wasn't fair to ask them to wait until the kids were gone from home. They felt an inner need to "become," and they would not be denied. I went through this very experience with a partner. She wanted to go back to school. While, at first I was not terribly enthusiastic about this whole idea, I did "get with the program" and within a short time, I was quite excited about what she was learning and how her entire self-image seemed to blossom.

When a crossdresser tells his partner or wife about his inner need to become and to explore this part of himself, one of the reactions is "Okay, but can't you wait until the kids are gone?" or "You need to wait until your job is more secure." There are any number of very well intended reasons to "wait" which are often spoken by the wife or partner. And, most of these reasons sound very logical; however, if the world were a logical place, it would be men who ride side-saddle!

Why is it that a woman's inner need to express herself, whether it be through education or career, is more "real" or valid than a man's inner need to express an alternate gender? Both cases are of a need for self-expression and self-actualization. It is a need to "become", to realize the inner potential that lies hidden within us. Much as a seed, which has the potential to become a beautiful flower, or a mighty tree.

When I was in school, I was always entering the science fairs. I thought that my projects were wonderful! Now, in retrospect, it is, however, a project prepared by a friend of mine that I remember most clearly. He placed a germinated seed under a heavy casting of plaster and waited to see what would happen. The seed sprouted, and ever so slowly, the force of it's coming out of the seed case, and the growth of one tiny green shoot, was enough to break through the plaster.

This is what it is like to have this inner-need for gender expression inside of yourself. In many cases, our partners and wives attempt to put a plaster casting around us. And, we do it, too! However, for those of us who are transgendered, nothing short of dying will make the need go away. It is real, it is there and like the sprouting seed, will eventually break through the encasements.

Have you ever wondered why it is that there are so many "new" crossdressers in the their forties and fifties coming on to the scene? I believe it is because they are tired of denying that which is a part of themselves. They see the end of their time on earth quickly approaching. They also see and feel something within themselves that they want (and need) to try, to explore and to become. When these situations are jointly felt, they say to themselves, "I don't want to wait for my life to be over until I have lived who I am."

What is, or should be the role of a partner/wife in all of this? No one expects all wives to be eager or enthusiastic about their crossdressing mate's new activity. However, I believe that it is fair to expect respect for our journey. It would be as unfair to block or prevent this exploration as it would be to say to your partner that she couldn't go back to school or take up some new hobby that really interests her, or explore who she is as a person and woman.

Just as one partner needs the help of the other partner to adapt to the change with the family and relationship caused by going back to school or pursuing a career dream, I think it is important that the partner really strive to adapt to the crossdressing partner's needs. The advice and help of a wife/partner would be greatly appreciated. Further, even if the wife/partner is not interested in participating in her partner's crossdressing activities, she can be a great support by participating in the arranging of times where he may be free to crossdress or attend meetings. It is like any compromise in a marriage/relationship - jointly giving to the other, making dreams possible.

There are many couples in transgendered relationships. The extent of the wife's participation varies from not wanting to see or hear about crossdressing, to spending a great deal of time with the male partner dressed en-femme. No one relationship is the right one, for this isn't a contest. Everyone can be a "winner" providing they have an arrangement that works for them. This, of course, requires a great deal of open communication between the partners, respect for each other, and willingness to allow the other partner the freedom to explore life as it has been given to them.

Just as the seed sprouted forth and broke through the plaster, this inner-need of transgendered persons is powerful. It may lay dormant for years, but eventually, it will burst forth. It is also important to remember that we have a limited time on this earth to discover ourselves.

If you are the partner of someone who is transgendered, it is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It also doesn't have to be a curse, or death sentence for your relationship. It can be a journey of discovery for both of you. Don't wait for your lives to be over to discover yourself - and equally important, each other.

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