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Making Sense of It All

Keys and Watches

by Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

Gender change, whether part-time or full-time, is understandably a difficult matter. The overall challenge facing the transgendered person is that of building and maintaining a lifestyle which incorporates such basic matters as bodily, emotional, and social satisfaction. The strain in each of these three areas can be great and usually is. Moreover, what happens in one area impacts upon the other areas. For example, changes in the body can affect the way others see you and react to you. And the way others treat you can impact upon your emotional life. The point here is that gender change involves a great deal, often bringing with it difficulty and much stress.

I am reminded of the stress facing my spouse when she was a child. She was born into Nazi Germany, shortly after the rise of the Third Reich. Hitler's ascent to a position of dictatorial power was the beginning of the Jewish descent into what became known as the Holocaust. As a Jewish child in Nazi Germany, my wife, along with her brother, several sisters, and her parents, were forced from their home into a ghetto. The children were not allowed to go to school, and they all had to wear a badge declaring their difference, that is, a Jewish star.

The persecution which my wife suffered came to a head when her parents were executed by the Gestapo. Following the dreaded knock on the door one evening a few months before the war ended, my inlaws were taken to the local police station. The next day the family was told that my wife's father shot his wife and had then shot himself. His pocket watch and his key to the apartment were returned to the family. It is this horror story of which I am reminded as I attempt to live my own life as a transgendered person in contemporary America. Am I making too extreme a comparison? Can we compare Nazi Germany with democratic America? Can we really compare the genocidal enormity of the Holocaust with the contemporary challenge of being transgendered? Before we try to answer these questions, or before I try to justify the comparison, let me share with you a poem I wrote out of my effort to make sense of the death of my wife's parents. The poem is called, "Keys and Watches."

Keys and watches
tell it all,
symbols of the search,
reminders of the call.

First the finding
in one's soul
of when to act
and for what goal.

And then the final
human test:
eternal home,
eternal rest.

But in between
our birth and death,
our space and time
demand our breath.

We hold the keys
to happiness
and pray for watches
God will bless.

Yet sometimes locks
and broken hands
destroy our days
with cruel demands.

Keys and watches
live and die
with every truth
and every lie.

If the meaning of this poem is at first somewhat elusive, perhaps it is because the poem as a whole points to the very basis of our existence as human beings. I am referring, for example, to the "cruel demands" which we sometimes face in our journey through life and which in turn "demand our breath" (demand our spirit and courage) if we are to make use of the "space and time" (the keys and watches) allotted us on this earth.

All of this applies not only to my wife's experience as a Jewish person in Nazi Germany but also to my own experience as a transgendered person in contemporary America. Am I suggesting that to be transgendered is to risk being the victim of some kind of holocaust, some kind of assault, both physical and spiritual, against my very existence as a human being? Yes, that is what I am saying. Let me explain.

As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, a transgendered person, regardless of his or her gender variation, has needs as a human being in at least three areas of life: bodily, emotional, and social. Actually, everyone, transgendered or not, seeks fulfillment in all three of these areas. We all want bodies that represent how we see ourselves. Just look at the time and effort spent by people to eat right, to have the proper weight, to dress right, to maintain a good complexion, to be physically fit, and so on. We also seek peace of mind, to be able to relax, to find meaning in life, to be emotionally stable. Again, look at the quest for spiritual fulfillment, for answers to life's uncertainties, for good counseling, and so on. And we all want social acceptance. We want to be a part of our families, to hold jobs, to have friends, and generally be able to function on a daily level in society. In all of these ways, whether we are transgendered or not, we seek dignity and fulfillment as human beings.

But as a transgendered person I find myself living a life of cautious maneuverings through social and legal roadblocks. My own deeply felt need for bodily changes through hormonal treatment and surgery are seen by the medical establishment as merely cosmetic, not as an expression of a deeply felt need, a need which is basic to my sense of being a person. Even if I were simply a male whoÿ crossdresses from time to time without making any permanent physical changes, I would still have to be careful about expressing my feminine wishes. In terms of my own body, therefore, I find myself continually struggling to embody, if you will, that which is so very basic to my one life on this earth. The feelings which I have had in relation to all of this have included guilt, shame, loneliness, and fear. These feelings have given way to some measure of fulfillment over the years as I have grown to recognize and to accept who and what I am. But I have never felt free to talk about my feelings, fearing ridicule and rejection. Morever, I have not found very many counselors who really hear me, who really understand the transgender experience. It seems at times that the therapeutic establishment itself is against me, not in terms of my wanting this or that permission to begin hormones or have surgery, but in terms of simply understanding my transgender feelings.

It is the social aspect of my life as a transgüendered person which illustrates most vividly the holocaust-like quality of my daily experience. Society is simply not set up to deal with me. Same-sex marriages are usually unacceptable, which in turn has an impact on taxation and on medical coverage. Employers, under a variety of excuses, fire transgendered persons, especially if the transition becomes known. The transgendered employee, therefore, must be careful to maintain his or her "secret." Religious and educational institutions are especially reluctant to hire or keep anyone who is transgendered, lest the person in question should somehow "harm" innocent people, especially children. Legal documentation of all kinds hounds the transgendered person every step of the way. One's past is not always an easily kept secret, especially with today's computerized record-keeping.

The end result of all this is that the transgendered person -- and I am a good example -- lives a life of endless wariness, endless caution, endless emotional strain while trying to earn a living and be involved in life's activities. While I am being true to myself at last, and while I do not have to wear a badge declaring my difference, I nevertheless feel the silent and potential persecution of a society which looks upon the transgendered person as a freak of nature, as someone who, as common knowledge has it, has chosen a strange path in life.

I must admit that I can never forget the possibility of a knock on my transgender door telling me my job is over or that I am not wanted in this or that organization. Yes, I do have a professional position, but I am forever fearful of what I call "watercooler discrimination," that talk behind my back which can become devestating and emotionally draining, let alone become a precursor to unemployment. My holocaust is not openly violent, though it could be, but it nevertheless exists and does violence to my soul, if not to my very existence. My faith through all of this is perhaps best expressed when I say in my poem: "We hold the keys to happiness and pray for watches God will bless."

Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.



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