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Shopping 101

Checks (Money Orders, Credit Cards or Cash) and Balances

By Jessica Brandon, B.S.
(Bachelorette of Spending)

Hello, Darlings! I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays, and that you didn't drink too much egg nog on New Year's Eve! Welcome to 1998! Only seven hundred nineteen until the millennium! My goal in life right now is to invest in the company that'll create the software to solve that nagging little problem with computer clocks come the year 2000! Whoever does will make Bill Gates look like a pauper! But, it's time for more shopping tips, and I'd like to lead off this month's column with these seven words:

Money doesn't grow on trees, you know!

How many times in your life have you heard that tired old chestnut? A hundred times? A thousand? And, how often as a kid did you lie awake at night wishing money DID grow on trees? Nevertheless, that saying just so happens to hold a great and painful truth, especially for us as crossdressers. Unless you were born to wealth, own a highly profitable business or got lucky in the lottery, it's not easy to make ends meet today and still buy what we need to bring our femme identities to life.

My theme here is to discuss the importance of maintaining sensible spending limits when it comes to crossdressing, which, as you no doubt know can be pretty damn expensive. For me, that fact hit home with a vengeance during my years in the Navy as I had to maintain not one, not two, but THREE separate wardrobes! One was for Jessica, the second for Jeff the Civilian and the third for Jeff the Sailor. For anyone who served in the Armed Forces, you know you don't get rich working for Uncle Sam.

Between 1976 and 1991, it was easy to scrimp on Jessica's wardrobe since I was stationed mainly on ships and so deep in the closet it wasn't funny, so I didn't need to have a great deal of clothes. But when I went on shore duty and later came out of the closet, my female wardrobe grew and grew. I was so excited about being out and about, I bought clothes with wild abandon, and when you combine wild abandon with credit cards, you have a prescription for financial trouble.

Even though I was single with no family responsibilities, money was still tight as I had to concern myself with credit card bills, utility bills and car insurance payments. And, if there was anything left over, I'd spend it on silly, non-essential stuff like groceries. And yet, I had to maintain those three wardrobes, though, more often than not, I spent more, much more on Jessica than I did on Jeff the Sailor or Jeff the Civilian. It was a vicious circle, but I couldn't help myself.

Girls, does this sound familiar to you? If it does and you're denying same, I have but one thing to say to you: STOP FOOLING YOURSELVES! In one of Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry movies, a memorable line he said was: "A man's just gotta know his limitations!" And I believe those words apply to each and every one of us if we're to avoid !falling into a sea of debt and drowning in it. Speaking from bitter experience, it's !crucial to set limits on how much to spend on your crossdressing endeavors.

Far be it for me to tell anyone how to spend their money, but, you really shouldn't go overboard when it comes to buying things for you alter ego. It all comes down to using common sense. For starters, you should weigh how often you go out and determine just how large your wardrobe should be in proportion to your outings. Case in point, because of time constraints, I only manage to go out once or twice a month, usually to Renaissance functions, thus my wardrobe is relatively small.

If your outings are as infrequent as mine, do you really need a huge closet full of clothes that'll only end up collecting dust before you either get tired of looking at them, or they go out of style and you wind up consigning them to Goodwill? I know of some crossdressers who own dozens of pairs of shoes, and while I won't condemn them, is that really necessary, or just an extravagance? I only own fifteen pairs of shoes, and while that might seem paltry to some, it's enough for me. Every time you go shopping, ask yourself the hard question: Is this item something I need, or just want? Do you really need a four hundred dollar dress when you can find something just as lovely for a quarter of the price? Will your life come to a crashi ng halt if you don't have that three hundred dollar human hair wig while alternatives can be found for a fraction of the cost? Stop and think before you buy enough cosmetics to supply an Avon lady or enough clothes to stock a boutique.

Something else to take into consideration is how crossdressing fits into your overall budget. Being single, I have a little more leeway, but for those of you who are married and/or have families, crossdressing can become quite an economic burden, if not a fiscal nightmare. Unless you're in a full time occupation such as female impersonation, a very good rule of thumb is that crossdressing shouldn't, under ANY circumstances be the single largest expenditure in a household budget.

With that in mind, take some time to go over your bills for a month, or keep a record of what you spend, break everything down into two columns, one for women's clothing (including lingerie, shoes, cosmetics, wigs and jewelry) and the other for things in your regular life. If you discover that you spend more money on crossdressing than you do on rent, utilities, a mortgage, or even groceries or entertainment, then, chances are you've clearly lost control, and that's bad. In closing, it's not necessary to break the bank in order to dress up like a woman. Crossdressing is supposed to be a fun and personally rewarding experience, one I know I wouldn't give up for anything else in the world. But it can be hard as hell to enjoy yourself when you're worried sick over having spent way to much on the dress you're wearing. Learn to control yourself when you shop, when you hit the stores, whip out your common sense before you whip out your plastic.

Remember this, everyone, the sea of debt which laps hungrily as the feet of careless spenders is cold, dark and very, very deep. And life preservers can be awfully hard to find once you've fallen into those treacherous waters. Well, that's it for now, Ladies. Hope I didn't spook anyone, but I felt that this is important advice for everyone. If you have any comments, please address them to me at treetop@voicenet.com. And until next month, shop not just with your heart, but with your head!



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