On Life and Death
By Stephanie Michaels
I wrote this letter to a girl who was asking for advice on which
of several options to take in her life. She had listed suicide as a
viable option. She later told me that the letter had convinced her to
hang in there a little longer.
Kathy, I've delayed a bit in responding to your note because it
was hitting a bit close to home.
I, too, (as have most of us) spent way too much time considering
suicide. I once had my brother remove all the weapons from the house
because I had spent the previous night obsessing on getting and using
one.
Only the thought of my wife and my 10 year old daughter coming
upon my body stopped me. You might try it, but paint the mental
picture as realistically as possible.
For example, imagine yourself after hanging yourself. Gravity has
caused the blood to drain down to the bottom of the body. Your face
and upper torso are the gray of a dreary overcast morning. The feet,
legs hands and lower arms are red because that's where all the blood
has collected.
Thinking about using a gun? A bullet has very interesting
ballistic characteristics as it passes through human tissue. This
depends some on the design of the bullet, but mostly it is due to the
fact that human tissue is about 98% water. And a basic law of physics
is that a liquid cannot be compressed. At some point, the container
will explode.
You will have a small hole (less than 1/4 in.) in one side of the
body. Let's assume it is the head - it doesn't matter if it's in the
mouth or on the temple. Go to the opposite side of the head. Almost
half of the head will be gone. The brain tissue, blood, and fragments
of skull will be splattered over a large area of the room. As an
explosion occurs, the material in front of the explosion scatters in
a fan formation.
Do you have any idea how hard blood is to get out of carpet and
walls?
Too gruesome? They say poison is a woman's weapon. There you are
in your most beautiful outfit - let's say on your bed. Guess what
you're lying in? That's right, it's your urine and stool. Remember
that without the autonomous nervous system keeping them tight, the
sphincters relax. Your bladder and colon will empty.
How about the Roman way? Take a hot bath and open your veins. Now
you've slipped silently into red sewer water. Your hair is a mess,
and you have the same sphincter problem.
How about the freeway? There's lots of bridges, right? Rev the car
up to 100 mph and ram right into one. Might work. Might not. You
might just wind up wrapped around your steering wheel. The paramedics
pull you out and revive you. Not what you wanted? Now figure this.
The force of the impact broke your spinal column and ruptured various
internal organs. Now you will have a long life lying very still
(paralyzed) with lots of tubes and wires coming out of your body. No
chance to live in body-heart harmony. Just years and years of silent,
motionless lifetime to spend thinking about just how stupid you
were to try it.
Now let's look at the other people involved. One of the things
which drives us to thoughts of suicide is the reaction of others to
us, right? What right do they have to put us through this hell?
Revenge would be sweet, right?
The cop who takes the report has seen it before. But it's still
hard to take. The sight of all that blood, the destroyed body always
takes a toll. It's a wonderful way to ruin a day! What did he do to
deserve this hell?
S/he gets grouchy, and chews on everyone the rest of the day. At
home, the spouse and kids take the emotional hit from the grisly
scene earlier in the day. They don't know what happened, only that
Dad/Mom is hurting, reserved, grouchy. What did they do to deserve
this hell?
Your lover/wife comes on the scene. She sees first hand the blood,
the mess. A torrent of feelings rush over her. Disgust at the mess
and smell. Horror at the scene of loss of life. Guilt believing she
caused this or at least failed to prevent it. Anger because you just
couldn't talk it out. What did she do to deserve this hell?
Your children comes on the scene. They, too, see everything and
feel the same things as your wife. But they add on a couple more.
Incredible sense of loss because they'll never see you again.
Helplessnessone who should be there to guide and help them is
forever gone, and they're the ones to suffer from the lack of love
and direction. And, of course, they're the ones who caused it. If
only they had been better, if only they had listened, or obeyed more,
or... What did they do to deserve this life-long hell?
And you. You're off in blissful oblivion, right? Your hell is
finished. Are you sure?
Maybe there is a God, or karma, or any number of things
religious folks believe. Maybe your punishment is to simply hang
around those who loved you the most. You see the pain, anger,
hopelessness, guilt, frustration, etc. as they struggle in the hells
in which you placed them. And you will be absolutely helpless. You
cannot say, "I'm sorry."
What did you do to deserve this hell?
You killed yourself.
Please don't think I'm being harsh with you. This, and more, went
through my mind that horrible night. It still flashes through on days
when all I can think of is stepping in front of a bus.
Life as a transsexual can be a real bitch. But it's a lot better
than the alternative.
Illegitimus non Carborundum. (Apologies to Fr. Gubbins, the poor
man who desperately tried to teach me Latin!) Don't let the bastards
wear you down. Talk to your brothers and sisters, here, and
elsewhere. Soak in a hot tub. Go shopping. Read a good book. Go to a
movie. Or deal with your reality. Do anything. But don't let them
win.
Realize who and what you are. You are a transsexual. You have the
body of one sex and the heart of another. You can empathize with just
about anyone. I like to think when God created us, he took his
qualities and divvied them up between the genders. Men, poor
bastards, all too often can only focus on accomplishments and solving
problems, never seeing the beauty in the world, never feeling.
Women, poor bastards, all too often can only focus on the
emotions, bounced hither and yon by two very powerful hormones.
Neither of them, poor bastards, can truly appreciate the other.
You have done and will do more in your life than countless others.
Even if you die tonight (of natural causes, please) and never get to
fulfill your dream, you have looked deeper into yourself than 98+% of
the other humans on this earth.
Draw on this beautiful gift. In your transition, keep the best of
both worlds. In the words of the old song, "Make new friends, but
keep the oldone is silver, the other gold." The same holds true
with us, dear. I've come to understand that being male is not all
bad. Nor is being female. Life as a man has been difficult, but had
it's good times. Life as a woman will be difficult in ways, and great
in others. Draw on both!
Recently, when I went to confession, I asked why God had made me
this way. The priest said, "Remember, you have a choice." Later,
while praying, I realized he was right.
I can live as a woman. Or I can die as a man.
I know not what path others may take, but I CHOOSE TO LIVE!
Live in Peace!
Stephanie Michaels