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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

To Feel Like A Woman

By Linda Kaye

Ever wonder what it is that makes a woman FEEL like a woman? I got to thinking about this and decided to sit down and make a list of things I find make me feel feminine:

1) Watching myself in a mirror as I apply make-up and fix my hair. Long an aficianado of eyeliner, I go without it just long enough to take off the old and put on the new. Make-up transforms the coccoon into the butterfly and in my mind, a gift from the Creator!

2) A new dress or outfit. I relish the feel of putting on something new - there's much pleasure in showing off your new clothes - and even more pleasure when you receive a compliment!

3) Stockings and heels - in my current job, it simply isn't functional or even safe to wear even short heels. Most of my co-workers dress for the weather and for a manufacturing environment, even those in clerical positions. However, I enjoy wearing stockings (pantyhose) and continue to do so, as well as wear feminine-looking clothing. I inadvertantly bought some control top pantyhose last week, to my dismay. I generally hate the feel of control tops, but for some reason, this time, I didn't feel bound and claustophobic in them and they actually feel good. I can't explain it, I am simply enjoying it!

4) Sexy lingerie - panties and bras - oooooh - I love it! Lingerie has long had a soft spot in my heart. I adore sexy underwear - it really gives me a sense of femininity when I know my bra is low-cut and lacy, and that I'm wearing a flimsy pair of panties - wow, I think Frederick's of Hollywood is a God!

5) Sexy nightshirts. I am addicted to satiny nightshirts. I recently bought one with real lace at the neck and hem and I feel feminine, desireable, sexy when I wear it.

6) A bath after work. I bathe at least twice a day. Recently, with my partner away for three days, I skipped the after-work bath for two nights. I was amazed at how much I missed the warmth of the soft, scented water (scented bath beads are wonderful!), and the soft, clean feeling of my skin as I dry off. An evening bath, in scented, soft and warm water is a relaxation of both the body and the soul. Add a glass of white wine and some soft music in the bathroom, and you are in heaven.

7) Painting my toenails. I love to look at nicely painted toes - really makes me feel womanly.

8) Making love with clothes on! For years, I was under the impression that lovemaking was always done naked or not at all. Lingerie, if at all worn, came off within minutes and was thrown uncerimoniously on the floor. Fortunately, my partner has taught me about the delights of satin and lace, and even plain cotton while making love. There is a thrill at slowly finding your way through layers, discovering a stockinged leg or a satin panty, to feel a breast through the lace of the bra. Indeed, I've discovered that making love with clothes on is far more erotic than stripping butt nekid. Lovemaking is far more in the mind and senses than in the skin and what a delight to discover a better way to do it!

9) Wine and candlelight. There is a lot to be said for the romanticism of candlelight and a glass of good wine. Not only are they relaxing and gentle the mood, they are also a great aphrodisiac!

10) Enjoying time with myself. This is a very important part of being feminine. It is simply liking who I am, doing good things for myself, feeling at ease with just me. It is knowing that happiness, in my life, comes from within me - my happiness is my responsibility.

Well, I could go on and on about what makes me feel feminine, womanly, happy. Being a woman and encompassing femininity is far more involved than what I have listed, and it is as individualized as many times as there are women in the world. However, an interesting side-line to all of this is that my transgendered partner, a male to female crossdresser, enjoys all of what I have listed, and more. In other words, femininity is not limited to birth-gender; rather, it is an expression of emotions that can easily come from the opposite gender.

This concept is often frightening to spouses and partners. For some reason, it often threatens their personal femininity and womanhood. I have to ask that if this jealousy occurs, is it because the woman does not have a true sense of who she is, and that there is a possible lack of self-esteem? I know that in the years that I have worked with wives and partners of transgendered men, I have seen countless women who are frightened that they are not womanly enough, that in some way, they lack the femininity needed to please their man. This is extraordinarily sad, and even sadder, is far more commonplace than one would assume.

I am in no way threatened by my husband's expressions of his feminine side. The most surprising part of my story is that it is my husband who has taught me how to really enjoy my own femininity. By observing my husband's expression of his feminine side, I have come to appreciate those seemingly insignificant joys that I had previously taken for granted.

If my husband has a feminine persona, then I would consider myself very petty to condemn this expression, simply because I thought it might, in some way, compromise or compete with, my own feminine nature. The expression of femininity is a individual, highly personal thing, something that should never be compromised by jealousy or abuse. Just as I believe that my inner spirit must be allowed freedom to grow and flourish, so too do I believe that my husband's feminine side must also have such freedom. It is fortunate that our relationship is based on honesty and appreciation for each other's needs, and we are lucky in that we each feel strong enough in this relationship to want the other to be free to explore themselves. I am fully aware that this is not always the case in many relationships. The fabric a couple weaves in the course of their marriage should be strong enough to hold them together, even in the hardest of times; yet, the fabric should have a weave that is loose enough to allow expansion and personal fulfillment.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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