Telling Your S.O.
By Desiree Corley
Determining whether to tell a significant other about your crossdressing is a heart-wrenching decision. It is one that can cause intense pain, fear, and troubles in relationship. .. or, it can become a source of joy and love in your life.
As a wife, I can tell you, it’s not easy to understand or accept crossdressing. Without the proper information, we have little to base our judgements about this ‘behavior’. Even for the most accepting, loving person, it is difficult to suddenly be faced with a misunderstood and misrepresented aspect of gender expression and sexuality.
Before making the decision to tell your beloved about this part of your life, there are many factors to consider. In my opinion, it is important to examine:
- The type of marriage or relationship you have with your significant other.
The first thing you must do is examine with a critical eye the relationship you have with your SO. If your existing relationship is strained, with little to no communication, expect a negative response on the part of your SO. Society has given us such a bad image of TGs, TVs, CDs, TSs, etc. that most women will suddenly be faced with the fact that her partner is one of those "weirdos". Add to the fact that you are already having problems, your TG status will most likely become a topic of argument and a weapon used in fights and disagreements. My own suggestion for those in such a relationship is to strengthen the emotional and physical bond between you and your SO as well as try to mend the rift in your relationship. Such a situation will definitely benefit by counseling, which may give you an open forum to reveal your crossdressing.
If you already having a loving relationship with open lines of communication, you are in a more beneficial position. If you are not married yet...TELL HER NOW! Studies done by academia have proved that a woman told about her partner's crossdressing before marriage has a much higher chance of accepting and successfully coping with his TGness. I can attest to this personally. Michele told me about her crossdressing before our marriage, which eliminated any feelings of resentment for her hiding the fact, or loss of trust felt by many women told after years of marriage or commitment. If you are married, tell her as soon as possible. The earlier into the relationship, the better the response from your beloved.
- The type of personality and ideals possessed by your significant other.
If you are already in a relationship, you must examine closely the values held by your SO. Is she open, forgiving, understanding, accepting, and understanding? Does she tend to be judgmental, closed minded, reluctant to sympathize with those who are different, afraid of change? Do not delude yourself by thinking if you have a relationship with a racist or homophobe, or a person who has no acceptance of anything different from her own personal values that she will eventually learn to understand and embrace your transgenderism. People with closed minds and closed hearts most often will *refuse* to understand, no matter how much you information, literature, and scientific proof you present them about crossdressing. In this case, not telling is a very viable option if you wish to keep the relationship. My advice to those who are looking for a partner, is to watch for these characteristics. Not every woman will jump right in and help you with your dressing and attend your meetings. However it may be almost unbearable to disclose this secret and receive no acceptance or understanding.
- Where you are in your own personal growth and acceptance of your transgenderedness?
Before telling your SO, consider where you are in your personal acceptance of yourself. Are you still in the phase of horrible guilt with fantasies of being forced into dressing? Are you still ashamed and humiliated by something you consider a 'dirty' secret? If you tell your SO about your crossdressing while you still have these conceptions about crossdressing, it may be interpreted by her to mean that she, too, should consider crossdressing as shameful and repugnant. Before telling, I would suggest either educating yourself or seeking therapy to deal with these issues. Being transgendered is not an evil thing, it is not wrong, it is not shameful. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for being who you are, and you must learn to accept this before coming 'out of the closet'.
- How integrated your crossdressing is in your life?
By not telling a SO about your crossdressing, you may be preventing them from experiencing an integral part of your personality. If you cherish the part of you which is feminine, your wife may also be open to understanding and enjoy that unique aspect of yourself. Also, if crossdressing takes a major role in your life, both physically and emotionally, you may not be able to keep it a secret. You may being feeling resentment for having to hide. However, there’s another aspect about how much crossdressing is a factor of your life. If it is something you feel you can keep a secret, and not share with your SO, and you do not think she will have a positive reaction to learning about this side of you...why tell? Let’s face it, not all of us have to be out of the closet. If you’ve gone 20 or 30 years without this part of you being a factor of your marriage and are fine with that, why add another stress into your life?
Ultimately, it is your decision whether to tell your SO about crossdressing. It isn’t mine, nor your support group’s, nor the community’s. If you do decide to tell, be sure to be prepared with plenty of information, and with answers to her questions. Don’t do it dressed, at the most, have a few pictures ready if she wants to see them. Most of all, just talk about it. Communication is the key for any relationship, whether or not crossdressing is a part of it.
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