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The Relationship: Trust and Vulnerability
By Dr. Alycia Ellison
Part 1 | Part 2
In all types of relationships managing our vulnerability in life is
more than an exercise in good judgement, it is essential to our survival.
There is no excuse for ignoring risks and exposing our vulnerability in
situations where harm might come to the crossdresser or his family. In this
case, if one acts brashly, one must be willing to pay the price of folly.
Many crossdressers, who are more fearful, experience feelings of
exhilaration while dressed. This happens because of our having being
conditioned by society against wearing the clothes of the opposite sex. In
over-riding our socialization, we have to exert cognitive control, and any
time cognition is turned on, we are keenly aware of where we are. This
requires good risk management in order to survive. Therefore, it is
mandatory to allow no one else to tell you, who, what and how you are, and
allowing no one else to tell you what you need to do to express yourself. For
he should remember, crossgender expression involves other lives than that of
the crossdresser. Therefore, responsibility may temper the expression.
One
of the most intense pressures, however, to conform is the pressure of one's
mate or loved ones. This pressure is very powerful and does influence
individuals to violate their inner reality by making them deny and refuse to
get in touch with their feelings. On the other hand, the reaction of a mate
or loved one can influence a weak person to go overboard and walk a path to
disaster. This is particularly true, if he is motivated to try to be
someone he isn't.
In crossdressing conferences involving significant others
and their mates, the issue of trust is usually discussed. Some wives do not
have a problem with trust. They may understand why they were not told about
their husband's crossdressing due to the fear of being abandoned or rejected.
In this regard, wives frequently understand their husband's fear of losing
them. It is much harder for the wife, however, to empathize with the
self-deception of " I'll get married, then the crossdressing will go away."
For, in the main, they do not appreciate the role of a guinea pig. Some
crossdressers, not understanding it themselves, believe the less said the
better. Therefore, a lot depends upon the manner in which the crossdresser
shared his feelings with his partner.
Other wives, however, have much more difficulty trying to understand
why they were not told prior to the relationship becoming serious. Being
able to trust their partners is very important to them and they now wonder if
there are other issues of which they are unaware . There seems to be no easy
answer as to how to help both the crossdresser and his significant other to
resolve this issue of trust. The crossdresser has to convince his partner
that there is a reason for his reticence, that this does not mean he is
incapable of trust in the future. The significant other needs to try to
understand why her partner was hesitant and to allow him the opportunity to
prove he can be trusted again. In this regard, a wife's ability to understand
why a crossdressing husband did not communicate depends on the explanation he
gives. Our wives have no frame of reference for incorporating crossdressing
into the marriage. The burden to provide one is on the crossdresser. This
factor, in itself, may be the reason for the resulting failures in many
marriages.
Most crossdressers I have met are upstanding members of the community
and provide well for their families. These individuals usually are
trustworthy, To help demonstrate their trustworthiness, crossdressers should
keep the lines of communication open. Certainly borrowing clothes without
the partner's knowledge or buying clothes on the "QT" are not inspiring modes
of behavior. As difficult as it may be for the crossdresser, particularly
one who has just come out of the closet and is experiencing a normal "high"
as he realizes he is not alone, he has a duty to meet his partner's needs,
while she learns about crossdressing, and put his own needs on the back
burner while she struggles to cope. In many cases, the relationship is
strained beyond the breaking point due to the reticent of the crossdressing
partner to give up on the fantasy of achieving actual womanhood following
seduction by so called friends or acquaintances you have lured him to join
them in many cases much to his peril if he has not adequately researched his
future.
Therefore in all reality, the relationship begins with two
individuals each with his or her own thoughts and feelings . The central
issue revolves around faith, trust, love and expectations. Each expects the
other to honor the contract between them. Such a super emotionally charged
issue, as crossdressing, immediately conveys to the other, an image of
smoked filled bars, drag queens and sexual perversion. Movies, T.V. talk
shows do little to distort this image, with its emphasize on drag queens and
sensationalism. those truer to life are fine and interesting and in the most
part informative.
But Whoa! You are now talking about something or someone closer to home.
When you are saying you are a "crossdresser." Suddenly your partner or
spouse slides to a halt, plops down in an easy chair and is totally
nonplussed. Now what was actually safe at a distance and non -threatening
has suddenly become close and formidable.
Instantly as noted initially, the spouse or girl friend is struck with
fear and apprehension, the issue strikes at the core of her survival. Is
there nothing safe or sacred anymore!
This is a common reaction that all
wives or partners feel as they strive to regain their composure and sense of
self. What is he trying to tell me? Is he gay, a pervert? If I go along
with him in his pursuit, does that mean I am lacking in self esteem! unable
to attract a suitable mate? Am I really a lesbian at heart! All our plans
for a solid and happy life together suddenly go up in smoke as she tries to
deal with the issues at hand, rejection, loss of love, abandonment, faith and
trust. The expectation of a normal marriage with all its pitfalls is
strenuous enough in itself. Simply coping with her needs or wants, his needs
or wants and now this, coping with his strange inner needs or more precisely
his "femme" needs and desires are mind boggling. Is he schizophrenic or
paranoiac in the bizarre behavior? What does he expect of me? One forgets
easily in these emotionally clad moments that true spiritual love transcends
all barriers. Right! Turn the other cheek, love is accepting no matter
what, for richer for poorer. However, as oft stated, love is the ability to
never having to say good-bye and the individual is always accepting of what
one is and is not dependent on what wants or desires the other to be. All
these cliques are great, however, where in the hell in the wedding vows does
it say for transgender or not!
In the true light of reason, however, acceptance is not possible
immediately and may require , if ever, time to cross this great divide and
mind field of terror and disbelief. What about my faith and trust in you.
This faith was based on the belief and expectation that you were who you
purported to be and my expectation of a house with a white picket fence and
children.
Now I want you, the crossdresser, to reflect a minute on what this
scenario entails and imagine what would happen if the shoe was on the other
foot? Suppose one morning as you were drinking your morning coffee, your
partner or spouse walks into the room with her breasts bound tightly wearing
a mans shirt and tie, her hair shorn close to her head and said, in the
deepest voice she could master, honey, I have something to tell you, I am a
crossdresser! How would you react? Would you say all right honey, what's
the joke and pretend nothing had transpired or would you break out in a cold
sweat and feel your world had come to an end? For some men, the first option
is probable because men are raised with the ability to shut down their
feelings and say, "Honey, if this is what you want , go for it". Others may
actually want to go screaming out into the morning air, not believing it
and thinking really this is just another fashion fad.
The fear of disclosure and the anxiety it produces is real and the
answer for these fears are complex indeed. On a personal note, a true
blessing I have achieved is having a truly supportive partner. In spite of
her initial fears and anguish, in which I trust and note, we have a deep felt
mutual trust and are able within certain limits to have fun with our unique
relationship. Thus living without guilt or trepidation has finally come to
me. This has not been an easy or automatic response, it has taken patience,
a hell of a lot of communication and time which is on going. I told her early
in our relationship about my crossdressing and made a commitment to keep her
informed and that our relationship was paramount. In this context, we worked
and strived to meet our individual needs. To me her security is very
important and her thoughts and fears are acceptable as she is more vulnerable
in our changing lifestyle. She alone has been a true partner, perhaps a
sister and at times, a mother, but most importantly, my best friend. She has
helped by word, thought and deed to assist me to develop my femininity by
sharing hers. In this manner, she has enlarged on my personality and shaped a
style that scarcely existed in the early months of our blossoming
relationship. In doing this, she has also given personally, reaching far
into her philosophy, of being a accepting person without losing herself.
Communication, respect and openness should be the keynote of all
couples who undertake this strenuous journey towards intimacy, one that can
be rich and beautiful beyond that ever imagined or a rocky road to ruin and
desolation. It is a mutual choice as you strive for togetherness, based on
faith and trust. Even though most of us believe this, we often fall prey to
deception based on fear of rejection, ridicule or being taken advantage of.
Factor in crossdressing, this now takes on another layer of guilt, fear and
possible shame, helping one to understand the reluctance of disclosure.
However, the facade so carefully built slowly begins to crumble in the
routine of everyday life. Guilt, fear and anxiety has taken control as fear
of rejection, abandonment and disgust is projected on your mate or partner.
Would she now divorce me, break the engagement and ridicule me to our friends
and associates, such that I would lose my place in society. The risks of
honesty are high indeed but are far more healthy than the inevitable
consequences of deceit to you, your partner, children, family and friends.
In all regards, confronting this issue head on is in your best
interest, because a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and
honesty. If both individuals are emotionally healthy, then the relationship
has a possibility of growing to higher heights and deeper depths. You did
not enter this relationship in the belief that by getting married the need
and compulsion to crossdress would disappear. If this was true, this fact
alone, would dissolve any marriage, as this compulsion is inbred and cannot
be desensitized that easily. It only becomes stronger, especially with the
increasing pressures of work and the commitment of marriage.
In the final analysis it is now necessary to return to the where it all
began, over a lovely romantic meal. Now, you begin to realize that how we
adapt and accept each other is the key to the success of the relationship.
First, however, we need to honestly look at ourselves. we need to put aside
vanity and pride; take a good look at who we are and then look at our friend
and determine, if indeed, we do have a committed relationship or is it borne
of shame and deceit. Perhaps your partner has looked at himself many, times,
hating in this regard who he is. But he should be commended for placing
honestly above his own wants or needs.
In this regard each of us are on an intensely personal journey, but now
in a committed relationship .we begin a journey of togetherness with our
partner. Learning about ourselves and each other keeps us on the same path.
Ignoring the other's individual journey brings the relationship to a fork in
the road, and too often, we go the opposite directions. The key words at this
way point are stop, look and listen. During the conception of " The Enigma
Triangle", I was struck by an article by Linda Peacock in Cross Talk, a
Transgender magazine , in the article she states as partners of
crossdressing husbands we are placed in situations we would rather not be
placed in, we run the full gamut of emotions, from anger to fear to pain
and emptiness... and we are not emotionally ready to make the decision we
need to make, If we make the decision in haste or anger we may regret it for
the rest of our lives. In our aloneness we may allow the fear to overcome us
and in the end act irrational. What a relief if one could talk rationally to
someone who new first hand what we are feeling.
That is what this book
proposes to do give you the information to make a considered decision based
on fact and what others have encountered alone the way. The story is not
always pretty but in some cases it is extremely joyous. The nurturing of
yourself and your own journey should not blind you to his journey. Many
times it is better to seek a peaceful place where you can both live in
harmony and mutual understanding. There is joy in a companionship that
understands you, and there is joy in offering such companionship to the
other. If there is harmony between you, then the revelation of his
difference will continue to attack but can now be better examined and
discarded and allow you to travel back to the peace you have created within
and between yourselves. The bond between you is the bond between simply two
unique people.
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