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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

The Purge

By Linda Kaye

Life is simply not as predictable and patterned as we sometimes think it is. It is dynamic and ever-changing. My Vanessa is quite fond of the saying, "The only thing that is certain, is change." Though I believe all of this, there are still some things that catch me by surprise.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent off a letter to an old friend of mine, who is a crossdresser. We've known each other more than 10 years and kept up a friendship, even though we live far apart. I was very surprised, when a few days later, the letter was returned, "addressee unknown." After verifying that the address I had on the envelope was correct, I addressed another envelope with this person's real, male name and shipped the original letter in this envelope.

About a week later came a letter from this individual, with a return address which had the male name in a very larger font. This was very odd, as not once in our 10 years of friendship had I ever had a letter from her with anything but the femme name in the return address. Opening the letter, I got the news....yes, you've guessed it, she purged.

It seems that my friend became very ill, went into a hospital of hell (her description) and was told by an incompetant doctor that she was dying. Having basically left her church several years ago, she hadn't felt she was a religious person anymore, but this news apparently rewoke her need to talk with her creator, and bottomline, she made a bargain: "I'll give up my crossdressing, if you, God, will save my life." Circumstances brought her to a new doctor, who said the first was crazy, and ultimately, the new doctor was able to bring the condition around and my friend is now at home recuperating. However, she decided that she had made a bargain, and she was going to live up to it. She called a church run by an old friend of ours, a post-op TS, and had a truck come out and gather up the literally hundreds of very expensive dresses, suits, lingerie and wigs - many, many thousands of dollars worth of classy clothes, and haul the whole lot off to the church clothes closet. Next, my friend changed her telephone number, threw out all correspondence from the hundreds of people in the gender community she has corresponded with for many years, threw out all books dealing with gender conditions, magazines - any and all identity with her femme past. She has completely purged all evidence of the probably 30 years she has lived nearly full-time as a woman, and cut ties with all friends from the community.

She did say that I was perhaps the one person within the community she wanted to stay in touch with because she always felt that I loved her simply as a person, not for her crossdressing or transgendered nature, which is true. She also stated that she felt that evidence of her crossdressing and involvement in the gender community was a poor legacy to leave her family were she to die and they have to clear out her belongings from her apartment.

This story is all the more shocking to me, not because it is unusual (it is a story oft-repeated daily within this community,) but because of all the people I have met in this community in the last 11 years, my friend was the one who seemed most secure in her transgenderism, taking real delight in expressing it, and especially in her enjoyment of beautiful things. Blessed with a steady and substantial income, this person bought only the best from the courtiers, and was a regular customer at only the very best restaurants in her city - always en femme. In fact, she was really a pioneer in leading the way to coming out to the general public, unafraid, determined to win acceptance, and she did all this very successfully. Following in her shoes have been countless other transgendered persons and their partners - leaving their closets and proudly holding up their heads in public - demanding the respect they deserved.

Perhaps the most shocking thing to me about this entire situation is her comment that she did not want to leave behind a legacy of transgenderism. Although there can be (and are) undesireable elements within our gender community, as there is in all of society, I personally do not see being a transgenderd individual as anything undesireable or wrong. The feelings of transgenderism are as much a part of the entire being as are other individual characteristics. These feelings simply cannot be controlled; rather, it is the behavior of the individual that can be controlled. If a person is a decent, kind individual, then this shows through all aspects of the personality.

My friend has lived her "double life" for so many years, with her feminine personality being the stronger of the two. She took such real pleasure in wearing beautiful clothes, and acting out the part...perhaps that is my answer right there - she was simply acting out a part. Then again, when I think of my friend, I see how deeply her transgenderism went and I find it very difficult to believe that this purge can last. Yes, there are other interests in this individual's life - good books, music, bridge, sports...yet, so much of her enjoyment came from being a crossdresser and expressing it so elegantly. I wonder if she will become tormented as time passes, and if she won't be torn between her religious bargain, and the transgendered drive within her.

I feel a sense of loss - not that I have lost a friend, for I do love this person whether en femme or in the male mode. I question myself now as to whether my sense of loss is due to my expectations of another person, and my reluctance to accept the changing nature of life. My shock, and disappointment is due, therefore, to "my" expectations, and not the needs and wishes of my dear friend.

This also leads me to wonder what my own partner, Vanessa, may be doing in a year, ten years or even later. Will she continue to express the feminine nature that is truly a part of her being? Or, will she change course due to outside forces working against her path. It seems that all of the "easy" questions were used up when I was a child. Now life's question are no longer simple, nor are they as clear as black and white. As we go forward each day anew, we are faced with questions that require us to weigh and balance issues, oft times, we choose gray, or one of the myriad of colors in life's spectrum. Yet "going forward" and experiencing new things, new situations and new locals is what gives us real life.

In any event, I will support my friend and my partner in any decision, and support them no matter what happens in the future. I want only for my them to be happy and if this is the way, so be it. Friendship should have no gender lines and no expectations.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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