Transgender

Forum













%expand(%include(D:\http/ads/ads0.html))

Making Sense of It All

Mirror, Mirror

by Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"

So goes the famous question which has as much, if not more, meaning for the transgendered as it did for the wicked witch. Only we are not implying here any wickedness or evil intentions. On the contrary, for the transgendered this question refers to gender identity and overall lifestyle. Perhaps the question should read: "Mirror Mirror, please tell me, what am I really meant to be?"

The question of one's being, one's total existence as a living human being, is at stake here. For the transvestite the question involves the issue of not only recognizing and accepting oneself as a crossdresser but also integrating occasional crossdressing into an existing lifestyle. For the transsexual, on the other hand, following the usually difficult task of self-recognition and self-acceptance, the issue is that of making a complete change of gender without destroying all chµances for a satisfying lifestyle of some kind. In either case, the challenge is significant and oftentimes very difficult, if not life-threatening, for we are speaking in terms of such basic matters as faith, family, friends, finances, and thus one's overall life.

A number of years ago this same concern for one's total existence was the underlying theme in my college class poem, called "Ode to Freedom," which I wrote and delivered at my graduation exercises. Two lines from that poem come to mind: "We all must stand before the looking glass and face the naked image of our lives." At the time I wrote those words I did not have a gender issue in mind, but I did have my life and my vocational concerns in front of me, plus my very private and personally disturbing sexual fantasies, all of which combined to weigh heavily on my twenty-two year old soul. I was searching for answers, trying to make sense of it all, trying to make what I hoped˙ would be good life choices. But I was not yet able to see fully what I really wanted to see: the so-called "naked" truth. I had feelings I could not or would not bring to the light of day, even though I yearned for a greater sense of inner peace. Those feelings, in this case gender-related, remained buried and at the same time disruptive for a major portion of my life.

Only recently have those feelings become real facts of my life. In the meantime I wrote another poem, again not directly gender-related and still predating my gender awareness and transition, but at least addressing the fact that feelings themselves are as real as everything else in life. Through life experience in general I was beginning to understand the implications of my original injunction about facing "the naked image of our lives." The result of that awareness was a poem called, "Feelings:"

Feelings are real,
like the weather and time,
seemingly ridiculous
but always sublime,
invisible like air
yet always there,
parading as fun
or pressing as fear,
yet never done
and always near.

We take them to bed,
we take them to work,
we take them on trips,
we hide them as quirks.
Though feelings are real,
they are not really bad;
they may make you happy,
they make you sad.

Perhaps the child in each adult,
like seed beneath the ground,
can burst the shell of dormant growth
to let the heart be found.
We have such little time to see
that all our hopes and fears
are part of all our laughter
and part of all our tears.

To speak of "the child in each adult" may very well be at the heart of what it means to face the naked image of our lives. As adults we often talk ourselves out of feelings and out of doing things which we think are childish. But childishness, while not always appearing rational, may very well be soulful and heartfelt and ultimately and fundamentally very rational. This is not to say that we should proceed to forget all or even some of our adult responsibilities. What I am suggesting is that, as adults, we find a way to build into our lives the freshness and genuineness which we ourselves knew as, and still see in, children, so that we might begin to experience what I like to call "sophisticated innocence."

I am suggesting that we somehow step back, if only in special moments, from the so-called "adult" way of seeing things and begin to see our lives more simply, more innocently, that we may somehow remember, even in the midst of adult responsibilities, to be true to ourselves, true like a child but with the control and dignity of an adult. In fact, the child-like truth may itself be the fundamental dignity we all seek or seek to recapture.

All of this especially applies to those of us who are, one way or another, transgendered and who want to be true to ourselves. The search for that truth, which involves recognizing it, accepting it, and integrating it into our ongoing lives, is usually very difficult, as I have alread§y pointed out. For those of us who are having difficulty with that search, guidance, usually in the form of a caring and wise counselor, can be extremely helpful, if not indispensable. None of us wants or even needs to be judged or lectured. Instead, we each need to be heard, understood, and helped to see the truth and its implications. When we each find the courage and the strength, or are simply desperate enough, to peer into our inner mirror, we then have a chance of finding the truth about ourselves, perhaps the truth which we buried along with our own childhood. The quality of our adult lives really depends upon recovering, or perhaps discovering for the first time, that truth and then doing something constructive about it. It is the process of recovering or discovering one's personal truth that is the first step on the road to a life of fulfillment. "Mirror Mirror, please tell me: What am I really meant to be?


Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com
TGF's Home Page