Got something on your mind? Would you like to talk it over with Rachael?
Drop a line to Rachael and she'll help you as much as she can.
Dear Rachael:
I have a boyfriend some years younger than me (17 to be precise) and we
have been together for five years. I've always known that he was a cross
dresser and in fact encouraged him to be TV. I gave him a very good makeover
when he was sure that he could never look good as a woman. He was stunned
and proved mistaken.
For the last couple of years he's spoken less and less about TV things to me
and I started to resent it a little.
Recently I found out that he'd been lying to me and he's been going out "on
the scene". I asked him why he couldn't tell me and that I would have been
Ok with it if only he had talked to me about his feelings.
It has now caused a rift between us and it is tearing me apart. I love him
very much and he says that he loves me. I am finding it very hard to trust
him now. I need to trust him but I worry about what the next step will be.
Will he want sex with a man? I couldn't handle that. He wavers between
saying that he "doesn't know if he wants sex with a man" and "No, he doesn't"
I have asked him to give it up for a few weeks (going out, not dressing up)
and that when he starts going out again, to take me with him so that all his
friends can see that we are a couple. That will give me time to learn to
trust him again if he is honest and truthful about not going out and we can
start on this new road afresh, together.
He says he doesn't want to give up going out. Where does that leave me?
I feel he has nothing to lose for a few weeks off "the scene" but we will
lose each other if he chooses to carry on excluding me.
If you have any advice going by your own experience, I would be very
grateful to hear from you.
Regards,
Heather
Dear Heather:
I am afraid that I am going to hurt you and I really do not want to do
that. You are a wonderful lady and I wish that you were in my life long ago.
First of all, a compliment! I don't know, but the mail that I get from the
UK is always great . . . grammatically! It makes it so much easier for me.
Thank you.
Your live-in girl friend (that is what she has become) loves you very
differently than what you would hope for. I suspect she will continue to love
you forever, if that is some consolation! The trouble is, she may be seeing you now
as a "mother," rather than a lover! Yes, yes, there may be sex in your
relationship, but I would wager that it is becoming more infrequent. Probably she feels it is more of a Lesbian relationship. There is no judgement in that statement; it is perfectly okay, if it is with
you.
Worse yet, you gave her the tools she needed to become a woman. She is
going out, yes! What a wonderful feeling it is for her to be "hit on" by
males. It is similar to the validation that young, real girls go through! It
is powerful, I know! Is it also very dangerous? Oh, yes, yes, yes! You know,
the turn of an ankle, a whistle . . . gawd, my heart melts for her!
But this is about you! How do you protect yourself? First of all . . . if I
am right, accept the situation. If you cannot, then break up soon. You may
need some counseling help. Believe me, that is okay. Heck, I've been
declared sane by two psychiatrists and one MFCC. One saved my life, the
other two validated where I was going! Hey, not many others can say that
they have been certified sane! Smile!
My best advice, based upon what you have told me, is to go slow. Your
lover may discover that she has the real love of her life right at home. I
think she has just that, but has not recognized it! Just be prepared for the
eventuality that that may not be the case. If you push the envelope, your
life may unnecessarily crash and burn soon. I would be very judicious about
finances though.
As an aside, I would love to hear from her. I feel that she is going down a
bloody path that may lead to her BODY being discovered in some dark alley,
someday, somewhere, pretty soon, if my suspicions are right! Boy, I hope I am
dead wrong (pun intended). Love, Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I am Beverly (Readers, last month's letter). You just answered my letter in
these weeks TGForum. Thank you for your advice. A little background on my
situation that you questioned. I am 44 years old, I considered myself as TG
with strong TS leanings but I am not looking for SRS at this point of my
life. I live with my mother. She is conservative and anti-gay and often
points out gay and cross-dressed articles in the paper in a negative way. She
is a loving mother and I hope that that love will over ride any prejudice
that she may have. My father is deceased and I promised him before he died
that I would look after my mom. I find it increasingly difficult to be me
and to constantly lie to her about where I go and what I do.
I wanted to thank you for the response. I intend to come out to her after
the holidays in January. I will take your advice and I will try to be
prepared for any responses that my mom has. If you have any more advice I
would love to hear it now that you have a better view of who I am and some
more background. I would ask you to not print this letter in the TGF. The
first one was fine but I would rather this one be between us.
Thank you for your time and for the help that you have given the community
and me. Hugs, Beverly
Dear everly:
Thank you so much! This is a labor of love for me as the community has
given so much to me. Also, I am happy to find out that you're very much an
adult (very much . . . it's okay hon, I'm getting close to 60, gad, I copped
to that!). As much as you want to be prepared and as much as you think that
you are, you may be hurt. Please share with us for e-huggs or
e-backslappings. Many of us have to come out to our folks. The more we can
learn from our experiences, the more we can deal with the possibilities.
My coming out to "mom and dad" was well received. I was fortunate! Mom
said, "I am not surprised, you were always far too sensitive for a boy." Dad
said, "get some balls and be a man!" No, no, kidding here. What he really
said was that he loved me, regardless (get the difference?). It was quite
okay. I can remember, a couple of years later, when I was helping him put up
a deck in his back yard (yes, Rachael still has the talents of Richard-
drat!). I yelled out while hammering, "Sh-t!" Dad said, "are you okay?
(Thinking I hurt myself)." Mom said, "(s)he just broke a nail." Dad was
wrong, mom right! I was okay and I had just broke a nail! I call that
acceptance! Mom always asked if I was "fluffed out" when she called during
my time off from work. When I'd say, "yes," she would say, "go for it!" Now,
that's acceptance! Actually, I am fluffed out most always, androgynous
otherwise!
I hope you have it as easy as I did!!!! Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I'm not criticizing your response to that person who's afraid of a Mother's
rejection, but I feel a need to share something about what happened with me.
First off, I'm now 55, MtF, not in any gender program, so no hormones, no
surgery, yet living and working full time within the female gender; no
boyfriends either. The first time I TRIED to come out was in 1983, but I was
so afraid of negative reactions, and I got plenty including a lot from my
mother that I retreated from taking care of myself. This time, especially
with the help of AA and its program of honesty, I began to see that I'd spent
my entire life dancing to everyone else's tune instead of my own. Yes, there
are a lot of negative reactions but I've also gained a lot of respect and
assistance from biological women around me. Especially from my mother! For
the first time in my entire life, she accepts me! The first month or so she
did her best to ignore me. But I think that she finally figured out that I
really had to be me in order to exist.
When I first decided back in April to come clean with myself, I drew up all
kinds of letters to explain myself to all my friends and acquaintances. In
the end, I threw them all away because I could see that I was only confusing
the issues, particularly for myself! As many of my biological female friends
say to me often, "what have you got to be afraid of? Fear? You're an adult!
It's time you start living like one." Many thanks for letting me share this,
Happy Holidays Too. Laura Jeanne
Dear Laura:
The best information, experiences and advice come from my readers. I do not
embellish, add to or change what you have said . . . it stands on its own as
an experience from the gender community to others in that community. Thank
you, Rachael
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