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Misconceptions

By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the gender community for over nine years, particularly with significant others and couples groups. Julie is a regular colunnist for the DVG newsletter and has also contributed to the ETVC newsletter, Tapestry and the Femme Mirror. Julie was ETVC Member of the Year for 1995. Her e-mail address is julie39@ibm.net. She may also be reached through the DVG hotline at 510-937-8432 or by snail mail to DVG, PO Box 272885, Concord, CA 94527-2885

As we know, when significant others find out about their husband's crossdressing they are usually confused and upset. They may in time read about crossdressing or even talk to a helping professional. Many times they are referred to significant others support groups and may even call to find out about times and locations.

But so many times these same significant others who call NEVER show up for a meeting. We know it takes courage to take that first step, but that does not seem to be the main stumbling block. It appears that there is a misconception that if they attend support groups, they will somehow be FORCED to accept their husband's or partner's crossdressing. They believe that only supportive wives attend support group meetings and that the agenda is to make them accede to their husband's demands, whatever they might be. They are afraid that they might get in deeper than they want.

When I attended my first support group meeting, I also expected to be given some sort of "list" of what was expected of the wife of a crossdresser. I was very surprised to find that not only were the other wives at that first meeting NOT necessarily supportive, but they in no way at all tried to influence me one way or another. In fact, they were surprised, even shocked, to find that I had gone "out" with my husband because I thought I was supposed to. It was a wonderful meeting, not at all what I had anticipated.

There is another misconception about significant others support meetings. Many crossdressers erroneously believe that if they suggest such meetings, their wives or partners will attend some sort of "bitch" session and come home armed with ways to make their crossdressing lives miserable. These crossdressers may be very hesitant to suggest such meetings because they fear the outcome.

My first support meeting was definitely not a bitch session. We talked about our own experiences, our fears, our concerns, and ways to help not only us but the crossdressers in our lives.

Support groups can be a positive experience for both the significant other and the crossdresser if such groups remember their focus - to help integrate crossdressing into a relationship in a way that is beneficial to both and considers the needs of both. Such groups cannot consider ONLY the concerns of the significant other nor should it consider ONLY the concerns of the crossdresser.

It is certainly up to the members of such groups to remember why they are meeting and set their goals accordingly.

(This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.)

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