Transgender

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Dear Rachael,




Got something on your mind? Would you like to talk it over with Rachael?
Drop a line to Rachael and she'll help you as much as she can.

Dear Rachael:

I am a 38-year-old male CD, and I have been for as long as I can remember. I am one of those individuals that worked for years trying to suppress these desires and feelings. I am married (currently separated) with three children. The older I get, the harder it is to suppress the desire to finish the change. This is the first time I have actually used my femme persona anywhere outside of my mind, and I would like to pursue this to the end. I feel that I am finally nearing a time of my life that I don't have a constant battle raging within myself.

In response to your post in 'Friends' I believe that I would fall into the Lesbian category. The thought of being (or being with) a man, quite frankly, turns my stomach. I attribute this to some traumatic experiences I had in my youth. I hope this isn't too long, and I hope it helps. Thanks for having a listening ear. Deena

Dear Deena:

Hi Deena . . . yes, I can identify with your thoughts . . . I too did the marriage and kids thing . . . the longest marriage lasted 22 years. The fact is, that the longer it went on . . . the older I got, the more I desired to be a woman. I was going crazy and knew it. Now, a year from retirement, I live much of my life as I choose and feel so much more at peace with my body than before. There are prices to pay, though. See my Dear Rachael Column in the TGForum Library section for those who are dealing with this. Love Rachael

Dear Rachael (Deena two):

That's amazing! All this time I've thought that I was alone, and felt very secluded. I will take your advice and look through your column. I know there are prices to pay, and I have already begun paying the price, but I won't go into all that (having been there, I'm sure you know what I mean.) It just feels better getting this out into the open. Thanks for the kind ear and keep in touch. Love Deena.

Dear Rachael (Deena three):

I took your advice and went to the 'Dear Rachael Column' in the library section. It was so great to hear about other peoples' experiences. I have even contacted a TG group in my area and have an appointment to start seeing a gender counselor. At this point I thought it would be interesting reading for others to hear my story. (If it is too long, feel free to edit it down)

I started cross-dressing at a very early age (around 7 or 8), and sometimes I would play "house" with my sister who thought it was fun 'dressing me up'. At the age of twelve, things got really interesting (and tragic). My parents (I was wearing a complete ensemble) caught me. They were so upset that they took me to see a 'shrink'. His idea was to make me wear ladies underwear and give me electrical shocks on my arms and legs. This was supposed to make me stop wanting to wearing these clothes. After this he made me watch skin flicks with supposed 'normal' sexual activity between men and women. This was supposed to make me realize what was normal.

I did want to make my parents happy so I really tried to suppress my desires, and it worked for a little while; but, since I seemed to have some feminine attitudes and expressions (I assume this is the reason) I became the unwilling target of my Junior High School Chorus Teacher. Over about a six-month period he made great reasons (excuses) to get me alone during and after school. I was molested several times by him. He was eventually caught molesting someone else, but I never came forward as one of the people that he molested. I feared that somehow it was my fault and I was also afraid that if I came forward it would be discovered about my female tendencies and desires.

The summer before I started High School my parents could tell that I had become somewhat despondent and depressed. They felt that if I could attend a summer camp I would improve. I told them I didn't really want to camp so they sent me to an educational forum at a local university. This was OK, but since I was alone, I got put in the dormitory with another person. He was a senior at the high school I attended (I was going to be a freshman). I discovered during the two weeks there that he was gay. It really didn't bother me since he made no heavy moves towards me. We became pretty good friends during that two-week period. After the forum I was over at his house one weekend while his parents weren't around. He brought some of his gay friends over and they started to get pretty physical with each other. Since I wasn't interested I decided to leave. That is when my friend raped me. Since I was heavily threatened if I told anyone, I never did (until now.)

Over the next several years I really tried to act masculine. Even though I still cross-dressed I never admitted to anyone, especially myself that these desires to be a woman would always be there. All through my life I would tell myself things like "OK, I'll stop feeling like a woman on my next birthday", etc. I didn't stop!

I got married at the age of twenty and now have three great kids after being married for eighteen years. My wife has caught me cross-dressing several times during our marriage and I have tried talking to her about this. Her solution is simple: "Just stop doing this and the desire will go away!" Well, the first couple of times it almost worked. I actually went four years without wearing any ladies underwear, but the desire was always there and over the last several years I have figured out that I either do this or I will go crazy. I had visions of becoming so crazy that I would become a serial killer and kill women because they had what I couldn't have. (DON'T WORRY, I COULD NEVER DO THIS!!!!!)

I have very recently discovered that I can have it anyway, and am taking steps in this direction. My wife's inability to accept this has forced our separation. We still live in the same house, but we don't talk, we don't have sex, and basically we live our own separate lives. She says that she doesn't want a divorce simply for the children's sake. She knows I have female tendencies, but she will never acknowledge this, or discuss it. I know that when I take this to the next step, we will be divorced, but I've got to do this now.

I think that I can finally start to get over some the trauma that I have living with now that I have found some outlet and I've never felt better by making the decision to pursue my feminine side. Rachael, this is the first time I have told these things to ANY one. I am thirty-eight years old and have been carrying this stuff around for a long - long time. It's about time I can finally do something about this.

I love what you have done for me, and I will never forget the freedom you have given me. Thanks. Love Deena.

Dear Deena:

I kinda want to blush! I know how you feel and you have far more sisters out there than you can imagine. I really can't take credit for you finding your freedom. With or without me, it was there for you, just around the corner. Just now, you have gotten to that corner and peeked . . . and what a wonderful view! If you are in therapy, good; if not, you may benefit from it. Your "rape" experience may have left you with some undeserved guilt feelings. I am glad things are working out for you.

Dear Rachael: Please help me. I am Transgendered Transsexual or...girl age 35. At 33 years old I have found (finally) my sexual identity. I have decided that I would like be a woman. But, I have a problem. I would like be a woman with my penis... I don't like have SRS.

Please help me. Let me know if it is possible to be a woman with breasts and penis.

Am I Transsexual Transgendered or what? Are there more girls like me...and how can I make contact with them.

NicKole

Dear NicKole:

Contrary to what you have said, you most definitely have NOT FOUND YOUR SEXUAL IDENTY. You are very confused about whom you are. You cannot be a man with penis and boobs any more than you can be a woman with penis and breasts. In fact, you will not find a legitimate doctor who will prescribe hormones for you if you share your current thoughts. It does not work that way. You can live transgendered full time or part time, but is that what you want to do? You need help in sorting this all out. Run, don't walk to the nearest gender counselor for help! Best of luck. Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I'm not criticizing your response to that person who's afraid of a Mother's rejection, but I feel a need to share something about what happened with me. First off, I'm now 55, MtF, not in any gender program, so no hormones, no surgery, yet living and working full time within the female gender; no boyfriends either.

The first time I TRIED to come out was in 1983, but I was so afraid of negative reactions, and I got plenty including a lot from my mother that I retreated from taking care of myself. This time, especially with the help of AA and its program of honesty, I began to see that I'd spent my entire life dancing to everyone else's tune instead of my own. Yes, there are a lot of negative reactions but I've also gained a lot of respect and assistance from biological women around me. Especially from my mother! For the first time in my entire life, she accepts me! The first month or so she did her best to ignore me. But I think that she finally figured out that I really had to be me in order to exist.

When I first decided back in April to come clean with myself, I drew up all kinds of letters to explain myself to all my friends and acquaintances. In the end, I threw them all away because I could see that I was only confusing the issues, particularly for myself. As many of my biological female friends say to me often, "what have you got to be afraid of? Fear? You're an adult! It's time you start living like one." Many thanks for letting me share this, Laura

Dear Laura:

Thank you for sharing. We all can learn from one another's personal experiences. Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I'm not sure what is going on in my life? That's me.

I can remember CDing since I was 12. I always do some form of it when I have enough time alone. Lately, it seems to have accelerated, and although I enjoy it, it kind of scares me. Maybe I need a psych. Recently, I got a wig. That's what set things off. Now I'm growing and shaping my nails, looking at makeup, talking to other girls on chat each day, and wondering what's going to happen next. I have a terrible fear of discovery, and keep thinking about how to begin to reveal this to my wife. My biggest problem is not whether my feminine self is right (it is!), but how to fit it into the rest of my life. Can you help? Should I see a prof? Lorri

Dear Lorri:

Last things first, you can most definitely benefit from professional help...counseling. It would be far superior to have a gender counselor or psychiatrist. It's not that you are crazy; it's just that you feel that you may be. What will the shrink do for you? Cure you? Well not as you may think as you read this, but yes, in the non-traditional sense. You will become accepting of who you really are (whatever that may be . . . TV/TS/TG, etc.). Once you become comfortable with yourself, you can better deal with all those folks out there that may not be. Your foundation is set and will support you.

Sounds easy, yes? Well, I wish it were. It'll take time and don't hurry. There is a lot of stuff you will have to deal with at home, with family and job! Go slowly for your self and loved ones. Most of those you love now will probably love you later. The exception, may be your wife. You may be challenging her femininity and she may feel that she has failed as a woman or you as a man.

Wife and husband adjustments pro or con are a mixed bag here. There is no magic formula, love potion that guarantees success. One guarantee of failure is not taking her feelings and fears into account. So don't show up in a gown and expect her to say, "yes, yes!" what I have always wanted was a Lesbian relationship with you. It's probably not in the cards. Tho- I have known some women who loved it! Do you believe in winning the State lottery? Same odds!

Discovery? I have a very responsible position open to continual public scrutiny. From day one, I planned what I would say, if discovered. I was also very open in the Gender Community and knew it was just a matter of time. It took ten years before I was discovered at work. My loved ones had long since known.

Did it make a difference at work? Yes and no. When queried by my boss, I came out without shame, without lying (fatal) and with my chin held high. The response was completely supportive and I admired that. But then my employer had a supportive policy of acceptance in this regard. For a couple of months all seemed same, same. I imagined some funny looks, but most of my co-workers (whom like me) showed no changes at all. But then, very subtly, I felt that I had fallen out of favor- I am not alone in this regard. On the surface, it's the same except for little things. I may be reading more into this than need be, but I am pretty perceptive.

So why am I boring you with all this? It is an experience and I feel lucky, for some have faired quite well and others have failed miserably. Do not assume that because your job site accepts your "coming out" out, you will survive. You may not be fired, but downsized out, etc.. Hey, it happens. So the point in all of this is that YOU have to be strong, very strong, prepared and have a plan. Do not eliminate a civil suit if this goes astray! To reiterate, have a plan and make friends with an attorney!

So why, the hell bother?????? The joy in being you is a HIGH that will you will never forget, nor lose, once out! Best of luck! Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I hardly know where to begin, but I'll try. It all began about two months ago, when I accidentally stumbled upon the subject of Transsexualism. First, let me give you a synopsis of my background. I'm a contract aerospace mechanical engineer, and I do a lot of sensitive work for the government. Because of my job, I have to be very careful. Because I travel extensively throughout the world, I have a need to check out available dwelling places on the Internet, so I'm able to make a smooth moving transition. How I came across transsexualism as a community, I haven't a clue. Although you would think so, since I have a very good working knowledge of the computer. (A complex designing computer, and not a Internet) In any event, there I was. I looked at some of these individuals who looked like women, in every sense of the word. This aroused my curiosity, because I have always enjoyed the feel of women's undergarments. I have never been with the opposite sex, because I am straight, and don't have any desire to be of the gay community. I have since learned much about the transsexual world. I have always believed that a transsexual is not necessarily gay. To make a long story short, I came across an individual who just blew me away. I'm not making light of this. I mean, she took my heart like a hurricane. I've not been right since. I can't sleep nights, I can't concentrate on anything it seems. Needless to say, this frustrates me deeply, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe you're not the person I need to talk to, but you might just be a Dear Abby kind of a person. Please don't take this as an insult, I mean well, and make no judgments.

To interject for a moment . . . Having never been with a male, and I think this individual has not made the complete transition,(at least I think I know) this person is extremely passable. However, this doesn't make any difference to me, because I believe her to be a woman through and through. So what is my point?

My point is this. I wanted so much to be in touch with her, and like an idiot and a bumbling fool, I wrote two e-mails that were idiotic in nature. I wasn't explicit, or anything like that, because I consider myself to be a refined gentleman. What I basically said was a bunch of things that were stupid, implying me to be an arrogant, pompous, Mr. know it all kind of person. I was to excited, and I wanted to be in touch with her in the worst way imaginable, and I blew it. If I had to do it over again, I would have used a much softer approach. I say this because later I found her Bio, and read her likes and dislikes. She is a sensitive, caring warm person, and after reading her bio, I knew I scared her off, or turned her off in one way or another.

I have since written her an e-mail every other day using a very soft approach. I have given her information about myself, and have repeatedly asked her to let me know if she were interested or not. Also, I have asked her to let me know if she doesn't want to be bothered, and to simply say the word, no. Although I did make a comment that if she were to say, no, that this would devastate me to no end.

Rachael, my question is this. You have been involved with people who perhaps think and reason as you do, what can I do? She has not responded to any of my e-mails. Is it possible for her to simply delete my incoming e-mails without ever reading them? It's driving me insane not knowing what she is thinking, or doing, concerning my e-mails with her. I remain, Curious

Dear Curious:

You would be many Transgendered and Transsexual's dream person. A man that would love them as a woman, knowing who they really are is rare indeed. The point here though is, this person is not one of the people who wants your attention. To continue on at this point would be cruel and most likely scare her to death. In fact, she could make a complaint to the local police department that you are stalking her if you continue. My advice? Seek another who might relish the attention. Rachael

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