Transgender

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By Angela Gardner



August! Look out girls the Dog Days of Summer will soon be upon us. You know how hard it can be to get dog hair off of a little black dress! So, be careful out there when the dogs begin to accumulate.

But seriously...

You Want Paralysis? Try This

The en vogue treatment for wrinkles these days happens to be a deadly bacteria. You hear me right ladies, women all over the country are getting Botulinum Toxin A injected into their faces. Not just one shot, but about 12. (OK, it's a little needle, but still...) It seems that one of the lesser known wonders of modern medicine is that one of the most lethal toxins this old rock we call a planet has produced is just what the doctor ordered for those of us who are vain, and desperately struggling to keep looking like we're under thirty. OK, maybe forty.

Botulinum Toxin A is the bacteria that causes Botulism in canned vegetables that didn't get processed correctly. It's also pretty good as a germ-warfare agent.

Hello, Mr. Hussein? Your Botulism Toxin A is here. Where would you like it put? Where the UN won't look? Yes sir.

The commercial name for this nasty little brew is Botox. It was approved by the FDA in 1989 as a treatment for spastic eye muscles. It helped the eyesight of plastic surgeons and dermatologists who soon saw dollar signs in using it as a wrinkle treatment. How's a deadly bacteria stop wrinkles? Well girls, what causes wrinkles? Sure, the sun, and Botox won't help with those kind of wrinkles. It Smile! fixes the wrinkles you get from using your facial muscles too much... smiling, knitting your brow in concentration, excessive grimacing. You know, like RuPaul. Oh wait... that's a smile. Right.

But, you get the picture. The skin wrinkles 'cause the facial muscles crease it in the same spots over and over. The answer? Inject the deadly toxin. (Horror movie music here.) It paralyses the muscles that make the wrinkles and viola! No more wrinkles. Also no facial expression where the muscles are paralyzed. (This might be a good line of work for those natives in that Indiana Jones movie. You know, the short guys with the blowguns.)

The effects of Botox are so apparent,to those in the know, that women getting the treatments are called, "the zombies of Bergdorf's." (Shot of blank faced matrons walking through a black and white, upscale department store, "Must buy expensive outfit... charge it, charge it." Oh, the horror!) And you need the kind of disposable income enjoyed by people who shop at Bergdorf's have in order to afford the treatments. They can cost $1600 a visit in the Big Apple. That's for a treatment that wears off in four to six months. Being wrinkle free for the rest of your life could run into some money.

And, there are possible problems. Can you say "side effects?" If it's used around your mouth, and it's not applied just right, you could end up with a six month drool problem. Anybody know where I can get a deal on a drool cup?

I have a much cheaper alternative to Botox. Tighten up your wig. As a male (yes girls, it's true, sometimes I crossdress in men's clothes—the white cotton Jockey shorts make me feel so empowered) I have a few furrows in the old forehead. En femme and bewigged that space is much smoother. The reason? The tight headband of my wig cuts off the circulation in my forehead, and after a few hours everything up there is numb. Yeah, it takes awhile for the pain to go away, but after that you're smooth and youthful. And oh, the tingling as the blood comes back when you take that baby off! So forget the toxic injections—tighten up your wigs for beauty.

Disney... Again

I tell ya, there's gotta be a queen working over at Disney. The latest project they have announced is a television movie (probably to be shown on The Wonderful World...) called In Your Shoes. The film stars Vivica A. Fox , David Alan Grier and Rue McClanahan. The plot concerns a pro quarterback dad and feminist mom who exchange personalities—but not bodies. Kind of like the old Star Trek episode that had Captain Kirk stuck in a woman's body while she took over the ship in his body. Or there's that movie where the mother and daughter switch bodies. This kind of body swapping has been going on in movies for years. Usually there's some kind of mad scientist or magic at work. In this case it's all thanks to the couple's meddling children and some old-fashioned New Orleans voodoo. Yeah, the kids put the gris gris on 'em... in a Disney way.

These body switch movies, while a treat for the actors, who get to act like the other lead character, aren't as satisfying for us transgendered types. I mean, we want to see David Alan Grier dressed like Pam Grier, not just acting like a woman while looking like a man. Oh sure, everybody learns wonderful lessons about gender and all that, but at least a good old fashioned criminal impersonation movie like Mr. Headmistress shows us a guy in drag.

Jumping On The Band Wagon

Warner Brothers will not be left out. They've got a transgender sports film in the works, too. It's called Juwanna Mann, and it's about a flamboyant, Rodman-like, pro basketball player who gets kicked out of the NBA for life. Whatta ya gotta do to get that? Kill a coach?

He's Scary...

The player (not yet cast... I wonder if a red head around 5' 11" is tall enough? I can't play B ball, but heck, it's a movie) really loves the game and will do anything to play again. Yep, he joins the WNBA and passes himself of as a female basketball player. Wesley Snipes would be great in this, but then again, he's still trying to shake off To Wong Foo. He's looking more than a little butch in that new vampire flick (Blade)he's got coming out.

I can just see the hilarious shower room scenes now. Oh well, at least this one will give us a guy in a women's basketball uniform... hey, that's just like a guy's basketball uniform. There better be a few off the court scenes. I suppose the owner of the women's team will probably be head over heels for his new player. It always happens in these flicks. (Ed Asner's character in Ask Harriet had to be beaten of with a stick. I'm not gonna type the punch line. I'm not that kind of Diva.) Perhaps we'll be treated to a romantic dinner scene in which the team owner makes like an octopus and the crossdressed player trys to avoid receiving a pass.

This could be good, or it could be really bad. Let's send plenty of warm, fuzzy crossdresser vibs toward Hollywood, and maybe it'll turn out OK.

A Little Foreign TG Film

Actually it's not a completely TG film. It's just that I haven't paid any attention to the other aspects of its plot. All I know is an old artist dies and his friends and relatives come to pay their last respects. They all have to take the train to get there, hence the title, Those Who Love Me Can Take The Train. It's a long title and it's even longer in French, France being its country of origin. It's directed by Patrice Chereau. (I know a woman named Patrice, but this is a man. At least everything I've read tells me he's a man. God, it's so hard to tell the players without a scorecard, anymore.)

The TG part of the plot concerns a young woman coming to the funeral. This will be the first time most of these people have seen her as a woman. Vivianne is a pre-op TS. What manly, male, sex symbol, movie star plays Vivianne? Well, his name starts with a V, also. Vincent Perez , best known as the star of the second Crow movie, The Crow: City of Angels, signed on to play the transsexual character. Looking at him I think you'll see that he has potential. I have surfed the Net till my computer crashed, and I haven't been able to find a picture of Vincent as Vivianne. I even spoke to his accountant in Los Angeles, but she wasn't too helpful. I will persevere, however, and as soon as the publicity photos are released I will get one in my column.The film has not yet been released in the States, but someday it may jump the pond. When it does, you'll hear about it here.

The exciting part about this picture, for girls like us, is the attitude Perez had about taking on the role. He said he wanted to do something as an actor that was the total opposite of himself. He had been talking to the director, who he has been associated with since the beginning of his career, about a project like this for years, and when it happened, although he had doubts about his ability to play a female part, he lost himself in the role. In an interview for The International Herald Tribune he said, "It was a secret for a year. There was no Vincent on the set, just Vivianne." He expanded on that in an interview for the Internet's Film Scouts.

"The fun part of it was that when we started shooting, probably thanks a lot to my co-actors, there was no longer a Vincent. There was only a Vivianne. My name wasn't even on the call-sheets, Vivianne's was. I got into the character and then a few days later, something strange happened, total immersion, I just let go. So Vivianne began to exist in lieu of Vincent. Mostly because everyone around me believed that was the case."

Here's a regular guy, a heart throb for women around the world, becoming immersed in a female character. He says later in the interview that for a long while after the shooting wrapped he would wake up feeling feminine, and find himself sleeping on his side, not his normal sleeping position—the position Vivianne slept in.

If I can ever get an interview with Vincent Perez I have a lot of questions to ask. If anybody hears about a US release before I do, please let me know. Boy, immersing yourself in a female character—and getting paid big bucks to do it. To paraphrase Dire Straits; That ain't workin'. Ya get your money for nothin' and be a chick for free.

Get My Good Side

The Diva Done in Ink
But enough about famous actors, what has The Diva been up to? Well girls, one night as I prowled the nightclub scene I was stopped by a nice gentleman who asked if he could sketch me. I promptly struck a pose (speaking of which... happy birthday Madonna. She's Jack Benny's age this month (39), or at least that's what I hear) and the artist drew my likeness on the back of a promotional flyer. Since it's only a line drawing I must tell you my hair was blonde that night. Here's a small version of the finished product. Kind of vampy, isn't it? Vampirey? (Shades of Miss Isato) Visit the Gallery for a monitor filling look. (I love line drawings, no wrinkles.)

Also, just this month I journeyed to the Big Apple for a little birthday party for my old pal Tina Lindsey . We used to do the clubs in NYC back in the day, and when our party, which included fab cabaret performer Jerry Scott , barged into The Oaks on Grove Street in lovely Greenwich Village, we proved that we can still cause a rumpus. Tina took over the piano for a couple of tunes, and Jerry accompanied other members of our party and then belted out a couple himself.

Speaking of belting... the hostess of the evening was the talented Ruby Rims . (She's a Saturday night regular.) She did a number, without the benefit of amplification, and she more than filled the room. As they say on Broadway, that girl's a belter. She also has a big heart. Every December she takes over another club in the Village, Eighty Eights, and puts together a show to benefit Teddycare, the Christmas Teddy Bear Drive for Hospitalized Children. The Diva & Ruby RimsShe put's together a whole cast of talented impersonators and performers and they do four nights for a good cause. If you want to help some kids and see some men in dresses, you can't go wrong with this one. Contact Eighty Eights at 212-924-0088 as the season gets near and find out when the shows are scheduled. The talent is different each night since the performers all have other commitments. That means you can go all four nights and buy the kids a few bears. I'll see ya there.

That's it for The Diva this month. I'll be back next month with all the news that's fit to transform into electrons. Trans-form... get it? I kill me. Air kisses!


The Diva is a busy woman who just can't read every page on the web and every newspaper. If you come across any juicy dish... or a picture of Vincent Perez in drag, send it along to The Diva.
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