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Circles and Secrets

by Stephanie K

Freud was the first to say it "Secrets make you sick." Mostly when a person keeps a secret from another in a relationship, the relationship gets sick and many times the keeper of the secret gets sick too, or bored, or angry, or out of control. Mostly he lives in fear! I should know. I lived in fear for almost 40 years, fear that my secret, the secret that I enjoyed wearing dresses, would be discovered and my life, as I knew it, would end. My relationships suffered. I didn't have any real friends when I was a kid. I learned to settle for keeping a certain emotional distance from my roommates and other friends in college and I was lonely for many years even while married to a wonderful woman who loved me the best she could. Oh, dressing up and being feminine was fun, but the pink closet in which I primped and preened was stifling and claustrophobic. I really didn't have much room to grow. I wanted to grow. I wanted to bloom as Stephanie!

So one day I decided that I had had enough of hiding my candle under a bushel basket. I needed to let my colorful and pretty light shine. I met Sofronia in cyberspace and she introduced me to Sharon who became a real friend. Stephanie stepped out of the closet and began to shine, glow, sparkle — radiating warmth and happiness in ever widening circles.

The image of circles is appropriate to describe my joy in introducing Stephanie to the people in my world. The first, innermost, circle that learned about Stephanie was my family, my wife and three children, and that happened about 16 months ago. It was pretty scary to do, but went really well. Suzanne is feeling much better about Stephanie these days, not so fearful. I told my children (24, 21, 17 years old) about Stephanie and they were all amazed, amused, and mostly understanding, but when I asked recently if any of them would like to meet Stephanie in person they all declined. Since then they have all seen pictures of Stephanie and declared her "cute." I respect their feelings and someday I know they will feel comfortable meeting Stephanie. I will not force the issue.

Next I revealed Stephanie to a group of friends that live far away. They are a part of a personal and professional development training group that I meet with in Santa Barbara, California. This is an outer circle of people that have turned out to be very supportive, but being geographically distant, do not have an impact on my everyday life. In the same way, my sisters in my Tri-Ess support group are a part of this outer circle too.

But the circle of people that seem to be the hardest to tell about Stephanie is the one in between the inner and outer circles. This would include my friends and acquaintances in my hometown of Winona. Thinking about telling this circle has always produced a tight sphincter and tiny beads of sweat! These are the people I live with everyday — friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc. If I told them, would my social life, job, standing in the community be in jeopardy? Oh my, fear again! I don't want to live in this fear! So last month I did something about it! I meet regularly with a small group of friends to study the ideas in the book, The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron. Since Stephanie is an intensely creative part of me, I knew I had to share her with the group sometime and last month was that time! Well, it was very interesting. No, no one ran screaming from the house! There was shocked amusement around the circle of four women and one man. The topic of the meeting that week was to share pictures of ourselves from times in our lives when we felt especially happy!

I waited until all the others had passed around their pictures and told their stories. I found myself being very animated and commenting on how everyone looked so lovely! I was really nervous knowing that I had two of Stephanie's Glamour Shots sandwiched in between one picture of me at about 8 years old looking so proud wearing one of those little cardboard mustaches that I had gotten out of a Cracker Jack box at Brookfield Zoo in Chicago and another one of Suzanne and I about a year before we were married, looking young, dapper and in love. I had realized that since that time 29 years ago, I had never been truly happy until last year when Stephanie arrived on the scene!

Well, I could put it off no longer, so I told the group that I had some special pictures to show them of me when I was most happy a year ago July! I told them that I had been hiding something for about 40 years and that I couldn't continue my relationship with them without them knowing something more about me! I said I was a little afraid. I guess I was shaking a little bit and my voice was vibrating with emotion! Then it came out! "I enjoy cross-dressing and this is what I look like when I do!" I passed the pictures around the room! There, I had done it! Whatever was going to happen was going to happen! There was some stunned disbelief from my male friend and nervous giggles from the women. Then there was a flood of questions. I sat back and answered all the usual queries. We were all breathing pretty deeply! Then Suzanne served the cake and coffee and the conversation got philosophical and almost everyone made some kind of supportive statement. It was quite interesting AND quite delightful!! The youngest woman in the group leaned over and told me that she had actually dated a CD in college several years back, "He was a theater major!" My friend Ray's response was the most interesting. He wanted to know if I had ever been propositioned by gay men while dressed. He is a middle-aged artist and has "suffered" for his art, even to the point of being accused of being gay.

Overall, much learning and laughing (with me, not at me!) took place. Shortly thereafter the meeting broke up and everyone left. I got big hugs from two of the women who had never done so before! Everyone had been touched by my honesty. Suzanne and I just looked at each other and smiled. It was a good night!

The next day Suzanne met two of the women for lunch. We both had been wondering how our lives were going to change because of the revelation the night before. My CDing was the primary topic at the table.

Suzanne said that the women were both quite thoughtful and empathetic. One, Ray's wife, said that her and Ray had talked for a long time after they left our house about why people are so afraid to reveal who they really are! She said the conversation was stimulating and enlightening. The other woman said that she felt very protective of me, because our small community in S.E. Minnesota was quite well known for its intolerance of people who are "different." Overall, Suzanne was pleased and gratified by the warmth and support of her friends.

So, I did it! There is no going back! I don't know how this will all progress but I do know that I continue living in integrity and loving every minute of it!! I have confidence that this circle of friends respects my privacy as well as my honesty and integrity. Will Stephanie become common knowledge around Winona? I don't know! But I am not quite as afraid as I once was! Hmmmm, very interesting!

So the in-between circle is beginning to experience the sparkle of Stephanie. And, you know, my life, as I knew it, HAS ended! But a new and much more wonderfully healthy life has begun. Keeping the secret is never going to make me sick again. And the circles of my life are becoming like the soft ripples in a quiet, peaceful pond after a soft pink flower petal kisses the surface, sending out ever widening ripples that reflect the radiance of love that is Stephanie in my life.

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