Your Life's Flow
by Vanessa Kaye
"Turn down the lights, turn down the bed. Turn down these voices inside my head.
"Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close, don’t patronize.
"‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
"I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.”
This is a passage from one of my favorite Bonnie Raitt songs. She is
able to say, in a period of less than two minutes, what I have been
trying to tell crossdressers for years.
It is also symbolic of the way most crossdressing husbands or partners
feel. The simple truth is that not all wives or partners can accept our
crossdressing. We, as gender-gifted persons, want nothing more than to
be accepted as who, and what, we are. However, not all relationships can
withstand the added dimensionality of transgenderism.
What then shall we do? What is the answer? Are we to deny who we are?
First of all, imagine that this force, or desire, within you is that of a
flowing river. It is natural, it is a part of what you are.
Next, imagine that some other force of nature, perhaps a beaver,
decided to erect a damn to obstruct your flow.
Finally, it is obvious, as with all rivers, that eventually, your life
force would overcome any action to hinder the force of the current.
Your life is as a river, your gender-gifted nature is as a part of your life
force. Nothing can dam it up forever. Eventually, your alternate, or dual,
gender role will either break through, or run over the dam. If, by some
unknown method, the flow of the river could be stopped forever, it would
become a stagnant pool. It would no longer be flowing with its life force.
This is the choice that we all have to make at one time, or another.
Are we to deny, for all time, those feelings or urgings within us, or
will we let go where the current takes them? In my own life, I have made this
choice, that is not to say that my way is the right way, or the wrong way, it
is simply, my way.
There came a time in my existence when I decided that I could no longer
withstand the efforts of others to obstruct the flow of my life force. I
wanted, and needed, to see where the currents would take me. Perhaps
risk-taking is a part of my nature. Nonetheless, at a point in my life, I
decided that Vanessa should be allowed to live and to grow. I had no idea
what she may become, nor where she may go. It was a choice I made to let my
alternate gender-self mature.
Admittedly, the road has not been easy. I am sure that many
transsexuals would concur with this. However, as I look back, I can
honestly say that the only regret I have is to not have made the
decision sooner.
Every day I receive letters from gender-gifted persons who say they are
unhappy because their partner abhors the thought of them expressing their
alternate gender. When I reply to their letters, I always add a the comment,
“Life is short.” This becomes even more apparent to me as I reach middle-age.
We have only a brief time here on this earth to explore and reach the
potential of what we are. Somewhere along the flow of life’s river, we need
to decide if we are going to follow it’s natural course, or try to alter it’s
course.
Speaking from a Taoist view, true disaster comes not from allowing the
river to over flow its banks, but rather from trying to impede or alter
its course. Surging rivers, new courses, and tides are natural, trying
to control them is not.
There comes a time, when we all must decide whether to live our life to its
potential or to attempt to settle for what is accepted as the “norm.” As for
me, I have chosen to seek where my life’s current flows. Fortunately, I have
a life partner who wishes to go on this journey with me.
It is a natural human trait to seek love and acceptance. It is equally
true that not all partners can be accepting of our transgendered nature. Life
is short, a choice has to be made. The choice is ours to make. I wish you
well. Let your heart guide you.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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