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"The Psych Files"
By Siobhan Ellis
TGF's Siobhan Ellis has graciously agreed to make public her diaries of visits to her psychologist which we thought you'd find interesting. Siobhan lives in Australia and has a Personal Ad here at TGForum.
Session 1 - 10th October 1997
I had my first session yesterday. It was an hour long session with a Psychologist that had been recommended by TLC, the Victorian Transsexual support group. I had been told that this guy may not be who I need, but to start with him and see how I go.
Well, he is a very personable fellow. I would describe him as looking 'cuddly', and he quickly relaxes you. He asked me what I was looking for and I told him that I didn't want answers from him, but for him to find the answers within myself.
Over the next hour, he asked me many questions about my sexuality, my upbringing, my dreams, and my work. Because I have nightmares, he told me I was a masochist! He didn't concentrate on the good dreams I have, just the bad ones.
Finally, he did exactly what I told him I didn't want. He told me what he thought. He told me that I was suffering from an absent father in my early years (My father was in the Royal Navy), and that I had been imprinted by women (My mother and grandmother). I was a long way from being TS as I was still attracted to women. This actually annoyed me, not only had he given me an answer, when there was much info left he hadn't asked about, but since when has sexuality defined gender? I actually told him that. Anyway, I'm going to stick with him a few more times to see how it goes. However, he is a real Freudian, and I just don't hold with all that stuff. If I'm still uncomfortable after a few sessions, I'll change.
One thing that'll be different on Monday, when I see him again, is that he'll see Siobhan. He didn't ask for it. However, when he saw me yesterday, I had facial hair. I think that influenced his thoughts - I tried to explain why that was, not sure if he listened. Well, he'll get full impact soon!
Session 2 - 13th October 1997
I wanted something that would show that I can look good, without going to the extreme. This is what I cam up with. I wore this to my second session. It is a light brown linen suit from Cue Design. My first pair of Femme trousers! I also bought a skirt to go with it! This was not a cheap suit, but well worth it!
Well, he did get the full impact. I went as Siobhan. I wore a white body suit that showed some cleavage and a brown linen trouser suit with 2" strappy heels. I spent ages in getting ready to make as much an impact as possible.
I arrived at 2:15pm at the local company office and dropped the car there. It was a beautiful spring day and i walked the 5 blocks to the Psych's office. I was wearing sun glasses, and so was checking everyone to see if they were looking at me. No-one did. Actually got to the point where I was wondering why they weren't! What was wrong with me? Didn't I look good enough?
When I arrived at the Psych's office, I had to do 2 profile tests. The first was MMPI (Minnesota Multi Personality Index - I think). This was a series of 537 questions which I had to answer true or false to. For me, this was too black and white, but the results were interesting - I'm a rebel, and my gender identify is confused - well, what a surprise, I could've told them that! The next test gave the flavour of my personality, and was also interesting in what it showed, there were no surprises - for me - again.
Finally, at 4:30 I had my second session. The Psych admitted he was surprised by my appearance, and hadn't recognised me in the waiting room (hee-hee!). We talked for a while, and he asked me a number of questions, in particular if there was anything he said last week that had upset me. I told him that he hadn't upset me - but had pissed me off - it was the only phrase that seemed apt, anything else was to strong or to weak. He wanted to know what, and I told him that I had told him the week before that I didn't want him to give me an answer, and he had done at the end of the session. Also, I thought he had prejudged me, because I turned up with 6 days facial hair growth, and hadn't bothered to ask why. He was fairly good about it, and explained his reason for making his assessment.
We finally went on to more information gathering, and I told him about something I had learned from my mother the other day, that I had started wearing her nighties at around 2 years of age. (See above). This, he said, was classic behaviour of a transsexual.
We also explored alternative methods of treatment. Next week he will try hypnosis. He also wants me to try group therapy - in a group where there are no other transgendered people (go figure), and maybe see an analyst. God, I hope I can claim most of this on my federal and company health benefits! Anyway, I'll see him next Monday, but I feel a lot happier this week than last. We'll see.
Lastly, he said I'm unusual as I'm fairly aware of what I'm doing. He said that most Transgendered people he sees have already made a decision about their gender, and have a number of other issues to deal with. I am unusual, in that I've sought psychiatric help before I make a decision. Interesting statement.
Session 3 - 20th October 1997
I bought this dress from Portman's. I got it when I went on serious shopping therapy a few weeks ago because I was feeling down. There's nothing like a damn good shop to make a girl feel good. Anyway, this is what I wore to my second psych session. I prefer to go as Siobhan, rather than Shaun. Any excuse!
This is how I went this time, but with a brown jacket on - it was a little cold. This session was different again. This time he used hypnosis on me. It was the most amazing experience. He got me to lie down on the couch and then started to hypnotise me. I was totally aware of what was going on all the time and can remember that it was amazing and thoroughly fascinating as it was happening to me. He got me to a point where I couldn't move, but could talk and then asked me to remember stuff from my past that was pertinent to my gender identity confusion. I remembered a number of things :
- That at 4 or 5 I found a ballerina dress that was my mum's and used to wear it. The first few times people laughed, and then they stopped. I didn't understand why.
- I pestered to have an Action Man so I could have a doll, but so that it didn't look like I did. That is so I could have a doll within the safety of being a boy.
- At 10, being jealous of Jessica Peak, who grew breasts before anyone else I knew.
- Finding my mother's make up for the first time, and wearing it. Ugh, it was that disgusting 1970's blue eye shadow!
- Wearing my mother's slips in bed and pretending it was a nightie
- Wearing her underwear out as I really wanted to go out as a girl, but it was the closest I could get.
- Baby sitting for the next door neighbours, and wearing her clothes, which was a real thrill because she was younger and better looking than my mum, so I got to wear something fashionable.
- Getting caught a few time
- Going out for the first time when I was about 18.
- Sex games my ex-wife and I used to play.
- Wanting long hair, which I finally managed at 30, and then cut it off again at 31 (for work), so I could style it, and feel it cascading on my back. I'm growing it again!
- That I wanted to look like a female, I wanted their shape, I wanted to be beautiful. I like the way I look as Siobhan.
- That was most of it. I wont go into the sex games, it could be embarrassing for my ex-wife. There was some other stuff, I'm sure, but can't remember it right now. This was the cool thing about the hypnosis that I can remember everything, but it freed my mind to remember more, and some stuff in more detail.
Once again, the Psych said I was far from being a transsexual, but it seems to me that much of the stuff I remembered pointed to that. We'll see. I have another appointment next week.
Session 4 - 28th October 1997
I've not got too much to say about this one. It was more of a chat and catch up than a full on session. However, there were some things we discussed that I'm just prepared to reveal in public as they are way too personal.
We discussed how I felt about the hypnosis. I told him that I thought it was fascinating, and that I had remembered more detail about some events and some events I had forgotten. I was also curious to know how it worked. He told me that it wasn't something that was completely understood, but he was using my rebelliousness on me. He gets me to go under by getting me to try and not do what he's telling me to do. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Using the fact that someone usually wont do as they are told to get them to go into a state where suggestion is very powerful.
Anyway, we talked a bit about my sexual fantasies and what they might mean. I won't go into the detail of the fantasy, but just by talking over it with him, I came to realise that what it meant was that I wanted to be viewed and appreciated as a desirable and beautiful woman. I guess, because of where I was made me analyze the fantasy more. It was me that came to that conclusion, not him - although he agreed. Guess the counseling is working - in a way.
I went under hypnosis again. This time for only 15 minutes. I didn't really remember anything new this time. I don't know if it is going to give me anything again. Still, it's great relaxation.
Pseudo Session 5 - 11th November 1997
You may be wondering why I've called this Pseudo session 5, it's because I didn't have one. I missed it last week. Got my days muddled up. Argh!
However, the reason why I've put this passage here is because it is worth noting that I went as Shaun today - and will have to on Thursday when I go again. As I was walking down St. Kilda Road, looking at the women and what they were wearing, I caught myself really longing to be dressed like them. I really wanted to be dressed in a skirt or a dress, with my make up on. I was thinking how lucky they were. Also, I realized that I was feeling aggressive about the session I was expecting to have, and it was because I was feeling uncomfortable going as my male self. Interesting. I'll mention it to my psych on Thursday.
Session 5 - 13th November 1997
This was one of the least successful sessions I have had. The Psych wanted to talk to me about doing group therapy. I wanted to tell him about my thoughts from 2 days before. He acquiesced. However, as soon as I had told him about the dream he wanted to talk about the group therapy. He wasn't listening. To re-iterate this, when I told him about the woman on Tuesday, he thought that I was jealous because she looked better than me. He completely missed the point - especially as she didn't! I was jealous of her purely and simply because she was a woman and could be a woman all the time.
Interestingly, this time, he suggested that I was brave for coming to him dressed as a woman on previous occasions, and wanted to know why I was now dressed as a man. I told him, that it was simple - I had to go to work, and that dictated my mode of dress. If I had free choice, I'd go dressed as a woman.
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