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Everything A Woman Should Be
By Linda Kaye
I often find that I am influenced as much by music as I am real life
events. Recently, I heard a song, name unknown, in which these words
were sung, "You are to me, everything a woman should be." At first, I
reacted as a gender woman, applying the words to my sisters and myself,
but after some thought, I think these words are also applicable to our
transgendered partners.
Throughout the last 10 years, I have worked with the transgendered and
their partners, for the most part, wives of crossdressers. For many of
these wives and partners, a major issue in
learning to live with their partner's transgendered side is to first
question their own womanhood, as well as sexuality. One of the first
thoughts many of these women have had is, "I must not be woman enough
for him, and therefore, he crossdresses." Of course, this is a fallacy
but their fear is not. Somehow, we women have been led to believe that
it is our duty to be a perfect symbol of femininity, of sexual
attractiveness, and subservience to our male partners, and again, this
is a fallacy.
As I've matured through the years (grown up emotionally,) I've
discovered that it is of primary importance that I be who I am, and not
someone I think my partner wants. I need that freedom to express
myself, be it the best parts of me, or those parts which may be
irritating,
clumsy, not so nice. I need to understand who I am and to undertake to
change those parts of me I don't care for. I need to be honest with myself.
All this is part of simply being a human being, as well as being a woman.
If that is the case with those of us who are gender women, then why
should we expect our partners to be less than they really are? Do we
love them simply as we think they are, or should be, or do we love them
unconditionally, as we expect to be loved?
All relationships are vastly different from others. We cannot expect
our relationship to be that of another couple. It is unfair for
partners to put upon the other unrealistic expectations, and
unfair to join with them, planning to change them into what they want
them to be. Behavior can be changed, but the fundamental person inside
cannot. Thus it is with the transgenderism of our partners.
I recently had a wife write to me, saying that she felt major
resentment against her husband because she believed him to be a virile,
macho, man's man. She had married him, she said, because he played
sports, had lots of body hair, and seemed exactly what she thought a man
should be. His revelation of his femme side blew apart her mental and
emotional images of who she thought he was. She told me that she had never
really known him at all. I have to agree. Rather than go into this man's
mind and heart, she had created what she thought was the perfect man, and
when he didn't turn out to be that image, she resented it and blamed him. I
blame him for not sharing all he was with her, before they got married, and I
understand her shock when he finally did tell her. He allowed her to believe
that he was someone else until the pressures just got too heavy to hide any
longer. However, she, too, has responsibility in all of this, because she
couldn't look beyond the outer image of maleness.
I am, to myself, what I believe a woman should be. I am strong, loving and
affectionate; I am intelligent, honest and kind. I am sexual and unafraid of
admitting that or trying new things to improve my sexual expression. I admit
my faults and I try to change behaviors I know are not productive. I
recognize my limitations, physical and mental, and simply get on with the joy
of being a woman. I have the joy of loving, and being loved by, my partner.
If I can do this, can I expect my partner to do less? If there is a
feminine side to my partner, and a need to express it, then I feel I
would be very selfish to expect him to have to hold that part within
himself, or say that it is wrong. Although my partner is a genetic
male, there are parts of that inner person which are feminine, and I
cannot deny that the femme side needs to be expressed. I want my partner to
be, everything that she believes a woman should be. She must have that
freedom, if our relationship is to flourish and be mutually fulfilling. I
cannot expect her to be what or who she is not, anymore than I can expect
myself to be less than I am.
Loving unconditionally encompasses both the good and not so good. A
relationship requires hard work by both partners, constant
communication, constant giving of self. I expect my partner to give to
me just as much as she expects me to give to her. Love is the channel
in which flows the nourishing waters of a truly meaningful
relationship. Each partner is nourished when the other lets them be who they
really are. If done right, the relationship provides trust, understanding, a
cocoon of safety and appreciation of the other.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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