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Roberta


Memoirs of a Transgendered Lady

THE BLUE DRESS
By Roberta Angela Dee



Childhood

I rarely think about the fact that every cross dresser, every transsexual and every transgendered person was once a child. And as a child, each dealt with the developing dilemma: Who am I? What am I? Am I male? Am I female? Am I some deviation of whatever it means to be gay?

As adults, perhaps we have found answers for these questions. But what were we thinking while we were on 7, 8 or 9 years old? the questions must have overwhelmed, or at least left us feeling a bit different from everyone else. And to whom could we speak? To whom could we present questions for which we had yet no words?

I was once a transgendered girl. Were there any transgendered boys - any anatomically female girls who wanted to be a boy. I don't mean just play like a boy, or dress like a boy, or act like a boy. I mean were there any little girls who actually wanted to be a boy?

I was 7 years old in 1956 - a time that the young people like to refer to as "the olden days" before color television, music television videos (MTV), Nitendo video games, personal computers, and internet chat rooms. However, even at the young an age, I already knew I should have been born female. And I was certain that somewhere in the world, there were young girls who knew they should be born male.

Unfortunately, there was no way for transgendered and transsexual people to communicate. Transgender Forum did not exist, and any information related anything other than the most conventional information about sex was considered perverse, "dirty," and immoral. So, a little boy who believed in his heart of hearts that he should have been born a little girl had nowhere to turn for answers. And the same was true for that little girl who simply knew that she should have been born a male.

Even today as we educate our young people about the dangers of HIV infection, smoking, controlled substances, alcohol and birth control. And as we inform our young people about alternate life styles, gay parenting, pedophiles and drug pushers, we completely ignore the child who might be enduring a gender identity crisis. We completely ignore a child's most basic question: "Who am I?" "What am I?" "Am I male?" "Am I female?"

The Blue Dress

I grew up in a household where there were four females - my mother and three sisters. Dad and I were the only male - and my masculinity was already highly suspect.

Whatever the composition of family, one thing was certain: there was always a generous supply of female clothing in the house. And because my oldest sister was only a year younger than myself, and close to my own physical stature, I learned very early on that I could wear her clothes.

One of my favorite garments was a blue dress. Dresses are so distinctively feminine. Pants are masculine, but girls wear pants too. And while pants tend to be masculine, they are not as masculine as a dress is feminine. So, I don't know if a pair of trousers can be treasured as much by a transgendered boy as the "perfect" dress is treasured by a transgendered girl. All I know is that my sisters blue dress was like my wedding gown. Any time I could wear it, that moment became a special occasion and a reason for celebration.

I also believe that transgendered girls, like genetic girls, are more likely to form an emotional bond with clothes. Although I do know boys to have had a "lucky" or "favorite" tee shirt, the fascination seems to diminish as soon as they outgrow the particular garment. Where as girls continue to have favorite articles of clothing throughout their lives.

In my case, it was not merely that the dress was blue but that it had lace and buttoned in the back. Every aspect of its design, texture and fit seemed to emphasize all that I loved about being a girl.

I would often take the dress down from my sister's closet and carry it into the attic, carefully closing the door behind me. Once inside, I would remove all my little boy clothes and slip into the dress. With it on, a transformation occurred, as though by wearing the dress I had truly become female. And I can still recall how wonderful it was to - if only for a short time - look like a real girl.

Yesterday

It was hell growing up transgendered. I'm certain that not every cross dresser, transsexual or transgendered person shared my experience. However, for me it was so awkward not really knowing why my feeling were so different than those of other boys my age.

It was by chance that I saw Christine Jorgenson on television. She was being called America's first sex change, and for the first time I had a word to describe myself - transsexual: a woman in a man's body. Later, again by chance, I learned of Virginia Prince, on Alan Burke's television talk show. S/he introduced me to the word 'transgendered" and that word too helped me to define myself.

How I wish that all of the information they had to share was more readily available.

Today

Today is a fabulous time for discussion of gender issues. Theories and hypotheses are emerging from a variety of sources. And although there is not always agreement, at least the issues are being discussed and we're beginning to look at gender in completely different ways than our ancestors. And it's about time.

Since the dawn of man, a male child was simply identified as male because the child possessed a penis. And because the child possessed a penis, an entire culture was imposed on that individual. Today we're learning that there's more to being a woman that being an individual with the capacity to menstruate or bear a child.

Unfortunately, there are still large segments of the population that continue to harbor hostile prejudices against transgendered communities. Not surprisingly, few of these people are knowledgeable enough to distinguish a transvestite, from someone who is transgendered or transsexual. Like most prejudices, its basis is rooted in ignorance and an unwillingness to become better informed.

Such ignorance is painful to all of us. It is especially painful when it emerges from within the gay and lesbian communities. Unfortunately, when it comes to gender biases, the gay community is not very different than the straight community.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I hope we can find more just and equitable ways to define gender and to distinguish gender from an individual's anatomical sex. Somehow society must learn that a woman can be more of a man than even someone born male, and a man can be more of a woman. Gender is not fixed, it's fluid. I hope we can all learn that there's more than one way to see the day.



With a Loving Heart,

Roberta Angela Dee



This article may be printed and freely distributed as a resource for information surrounding gender issues. Comments may be addressed directly to the author via electronic mail at Dianic007@aol.com.

(c) 1998, Roberta Angela Dee

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