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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

Confessions of the Male-Lesbian's Wife!

By Linda Kaye

Recently, my partner, Vanessa, wrote an article entitled, "Confessions of a Male Lesbian." Personally, I have never cared for the label, "Male Lesbian," in part because several people in my past have used it to hurt those who love them. However, I understand exactly what Vanessa was saying in her article. The term, "Male Lesbian," in my view, represents a transgendered male who loves women. I would take it further to say that it might well be a transgendered male who enjoys making love, while dressed as a woman, to a woman.

Unfortunately, there are connotations that come to mind by the actual word, "lesbian" which I think are unfair and interpreted incorrectly. I think that the word "lesbian" is one which frightens many people, just as the words, "gay" and "homosexual" do. This seems especially true of partners of transgendered men.

One of the first questions that comes from a wife/partner, when told about the transgendered state of their partner, seems to be "Are you gay?" There is immediate identification of gender with sexuality and no distinction between the two. Often a second question is, "Are you this way because I am not woman enough for you?" The questions go on and on, and every one of them has a validity which is very personal to the woman asking it.

I think we need to openly look at the identification by many women of their partner's transgenderism with their sexual identity. Even more important is the need to help the woman who seems to feel that she is not "woman enough" and is somehow to "blame" for her partner being transgendered.

If one becomes active in the so-called "gender community," one will immediately see that those transgendered have joined their fight to that of the homosexual community. There is instant identification with the hell that the gay and lesbian community have gone through over the years, and whether or not the gay/lesbian community wanted this identification, it is now part and parcel. Everywhere you go, the term "Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgendered" is used, and frankly, I think we should be very grateful to the gay/lesbian community at large for this inclusion and for their seeming acceptance of those transgendered.

However, societal doctrines have often belittled those who are gay and lesbian, and have immediately identified the transgendered with being gay. Thus, there is validity in the first question out of a wife or partner's mouth, "Are you gay?" They are being faced with something new, probably shocking, and they have no information except what they may have read about in the newspaper or seen on the television.

Why is it that heterosexuals are so fearful of those different from them, such as lesbians and gays? I don't know the answer, unless it is simply the "human" way history has taught us to feel. I wonder if lesbians and gays feel that way about us heterosexuals? Wouldn't that be interesting!

I find it unfortunate that there are elements within our own gender community which carry on this homophobia and allow personal prejudices to invade. Whereas they demand acceptance of their transgendered selves, they belittle those very people who accept them! It really is a sad commentary on how far we really haven't come!

Recently, living in a new city, Vanessa and I wanted to go out one evening, but had no idea where to go. A friend from the Internet suggested we go to a gay pub on the other side of the bay, so I called and asked if they had a problem with a crossdresser going to their establishment. The very nice man on the other end of the line said, "Of course not! We'd be delighted if you would come!" The next evening, Vanessa got dolled up and we drove over the bridge to JT's. As we walked in, the owner of the pub came rushing over, asking if we were the ones who had called. He introduced himself, asked our names, found us a comfortable place to sit and took our drink orders. He came back three times during the evening to chat, asking us about our new house, how we liked the city, did we have children, where had we come from, etc. The patrons and other staff of the pub couldn't have been more welcoming or generous in their offers of friendship. We were enchanted.

On the other hand, what if a transgendered gay man were to walk into some of the support group meetings held around the country? Would he get the same welcome that we did from the gay community? In some cases, I think not. This is evident without it even happening - try going onto some of the chat rooms and see the prejudices expressed there! It is a real eye opener.

Obviously, we will never change the views of everyone. However, it is time, I think, that those of us in the gender community who value the differences in other people begin to try to educate those within our community who continue to express prejudices even while expecting acceptance from those they are prejudice against! It is time to realize the if we want others to accept us for who and what we are, we need to accept them. To begin, let me say that I love being married to a male-lesbian!


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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