Thoughts, Words and Choices
by Stephanie K.
The other day I was transforming into Stephanie for the trip up to the Twin
Cities for the local Tri-Ess meeting. My wife Suzanne, as she does so well
most of the time, was telling me about her fears.
This was the first time I
was going to be leaving during daylight and the sun was shining brightly!
She said she was afraid that someone would see me as I walked from the house
to the garage. She said she was afraid that as I was driving out of town
that someone would recognize our van and see me inside of it and recognize
me. She said she was afraid that when I stopped at a stop sign or for a
stoplight that the person in the car that pulled up next to me would look at
me and recognize me. I asked her what she was telling herself about any of
these things happening. She said she was telling herself that if I was
recognized by anyone that my "secret" would be revealed to the public and I
would be ridiculed and lose status, job, friends, credibility, etc. And
that she would have the same thing happen to her because she was married to
me and she would be discounted, dismissed, rejected, and lose her business.
Taken to the extreme, we would both be laughed at, lose our livelihood and
have to leave town in shame!! Hmmmmm, very interesting! Suzanne, of
course, was not alone in having such thoughts. I myself used to have such
thoughts quite often when I was still deep in the closet. These thoughts
were even there when I began taking my first tentative steps out and about
as Stephanie. In fact, these thoughts were the actual, and, as it turns
out, the sole source of my fears.
Now, I was generating those thoughts. I had no real experience of what was
going to happen to me when I chose to celebrate being Stephanie in public.
I didn't even know anyone else who had actually had any crossdressing
experience. So my thoughts, and therefore, my fears, were not
reality-based. They were mostly based on fantasies that I had either read
or made up in my head myself. Oh, yes, I had fears and I will never dismiss
the realness of mine or anyone else's fears, but what was I thinking that
generated such fear? Well, I noticed that I was thinking some pretty
negative thoughts. Why did I think that the only results of being
recognized as Steve crossdressed as Stephanie in my van while stopped at a
stoplight in Winona would be something so negative? After all, I was making
up my thoughts and I was choosing to think the worst. We all do that don't
we?? We couldn't possibly come out of our closet because "WHAT ARE PEOPLE
GOING TO THINK, SAY, AND DO??!!" Well, it's now been my experience of the
past 12 months that people haven't said or done ANYTHING negative!! In
fact, I have had many positive experiences. Sure, I don't know what
people's thoughts are, but, of course, I can NEVER know, so I choose not to
worry about or fear them. In fact, I choose to think positive thoughts
about what people will say if they find out about Stephanie. I told Suzanne
that day before I departed for the Twin Cities as Stephanie that if someone
recognized me at a stoplight that they might actually think, "Hey, that
looks like Steve over there. And, hey, he's all dressed up to look like a
woman. Isn't that interesting. He sure looks good. I wonder why he's
doing that? I like Steve and he's a pretty fun guy, I think I'll ask him
the next time I see him. Hmmmm, my husband has told me he's always wanted
to do something like that too and maybe Steve would be a good person to
talk to about it…." Ok, I can go on and on about how this might proceed
along these pretty positive lines and you might be saying "Wait a minute,
Stephanie, you're making all this up!" WELLLL, yeah, that's my point. I'm
making this up just as much as I make up the negative outcomes, except
thinking the positive thoughts leaves me feeling much better. And since I
have a choice, I choose to feel good about being Stephanie all the time.
I'm Stephanie, not Pollyanna! My real experience with crossdressing has
been positive. I know what I am about. So I don't use so much energy
anymore worrying about my fears. It's getting better and more fun!
Another place where we make choices is in how we talk about ourselves as
crossdressers. This is a very powerful area. How we TALK about ourselves
is a very strong indicator of what we THINK about ourselves and how we FEEL
about ourselves. I have often heard crossdressers talk about themselves
using terms like pervert, sissy, insane, weird, queer, sick, etc. Why do
we choose to do this? Many times it's dismissed as just having fun, being
silly. OK, it's healthy to not take ourselves so seriously all the time.
And sometimes it's appropriate to "call a spade a spade" when caught up in
the dead end activity of denial. But I propose that how we talk about
ourselves and what we say about ourselves reflects what we REALLY think
about ourselves. I have a choice about how to talk about myself. I am a
loving, gentle, intelligent, healthy, masculine/feminine, warm, cuddly,
witty, concerned, man/husband/father/teacher. I like reading, sailing,
making love to my wife, cooking, watching baseball, crossdressing, teaching
nursing, etc. I enjoy crossdressing and I know that it is considered an
unusual pastime where I live. I even enjoy the occasional clever joke about
crossdressing. But I choose to respect myself and all my sisters by
speaking positively about myself and them as much as I can. I see very
little purpose to do otherwise. It really isn't hard either. It has
certainly lead me to feel better about myself and to let those around me
know that I like myself as Stephanie and that I like them as their feminine
selves. And I believe that it is absolutely imperative that I speak only
gently, honestly, and respectfully about myself and my sisters in the
presence of people who have never had contact with crossdressing men. This
is the real work of educating the public about ourselves. Is it so hard? I
don't think so!
So I continue to work on thinking positive thoughts and speaking positively
about myself and all of you, my sisters. My goal is to be healthy, pretty,
and have fun!!
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