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By Angela Gardner


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Happy summer, loyal readers. I hope you're reading this column on your laptop as you lounge by the ocean, or pool, with your favorite little umbrella topped cocktail close at hand. Darlings, it's the only way to really beat the heat... and after a few of those frou frou libations who minds the soaring mercury? Bring on the humidity!



Nathan Lane Last month I mentioned my uninvited house guests... Rodentus Big Eyeus Furryus. The little dears have just had a field day, or from a mouse's point of view, a house day, frolicking through my jewelry and trying out my cosmetics. Well, my dears, The Diva quickly decided that no rodent is going to get away with that. Let 'em get their own eyeliner. So, I went on a mission. I had seen the fabulous Nathan Lane in that film primer on practical extermination, Mouse Hunt, and I thought I knew how to get rid of a few mice. (Just don't make the mistakes they make in the movie.) Did I mention, I hates meeses to pieces?

I put traps in my makeup drawer. This was not the perfect solution. For one thing, it was far too messy for my vanity table. I won't go into details, but... you know what it can be like when the killing bar (that's actually what the part that snaps on them is called) falls. And, when it didn't actually cause their demise I was forced to take matters into my own hands. Ugh. Actually I took a hammer into my own hands, and this Diva is far to delicate for that sort of violent behavior. So... I found "humane" traps that caught them live. The "humane" traps were also the easy-to-get-out-of traps. Twice I found myself in the park opening a trap to release a furry prisoner into the wild, only to find the prisoner missing, along with the sequins I used to bait the darn thing. No mouse makes a chump outta The Diva.

I decided to bring in the big guns. A truly big gun would, of course, be a cat. Sadly, allergies prevent The Diva from accepting feline companionship. Hairless are acceptable, but have you seen what they cost? How come a cat with less costs more?

Checking my options on the Internet search engines I found The Tin Cat. Great—no fur. No constant rubbing up against your leg demanding food, either. This device is a tin box with a hole on either end that snaps shut after the little visitor crawls in. There's a clear top so you can be certain the little buggers are in the thing when you drive it over to the park at midnight to introduce them to their new home.My Houseguest

I ordered The Tin Cat, and within mere days the mail man delivered it to my door. The instructions say the Tin Cat doesn't need any bait. Apparently most mice are so curious they just crawl in to check out the new hole, and—viola! My mice are not that curious. Jaded would probably be a better word for my mice. The Tin Cat sat empty for days. I tried some cheap costume jewelry and perfume samples. Nothing. After another day or two of no tenants, I laid out a small buffet. A little low fat peanut butter, some cheese (American, I'm not wasting the good stuff) and a little diced apple completed the complementary snack table inside The Tin Cat. Then, one day, I found a note scribbled in a mousy hand (or paw) on one of the napkins I'd folded so carefully for them. It said, "Sorry, the buffet is just not up to standard. Frankly, service at this spa is a little bit too shoddy for us. So... we are outta here."

I must say I'm relieved that they've gone, but "shoddy?" I think I went out of my way for those ungrateful little rodents. Some places would offer them cheese out of a spray can, or something equally drab. Spa Diva is now closed. I'm sealing the place hermetically. (If I can find a hermetic.) Let 'em try to get back inside. Those snobby mice can just head to the shore instead of the mountains for their next vacation.

And now...

I have made it a regular Friday night occupation to toddle into Philadelphia and have a cocktail or two at Shampoo. (It's really the open bar till eleven that gets me down there right when the doors open.) It gets me away from the mice and gives me a chance to shake my booty. The crowd is very mixed in all areas of classification, and while billed as The Shaft Party for gay guys, it attracts a sizable amount of young women, some straight couples and a few guys in dresses.

Our VampireLast week our Sexy Vampire, Kalina Isato, wrote some guidelines for crossdresser's role models. Kalina was talking about real girls that we shouldn't emulate. Believe me, there are crossdressers that we shouldn't emulate, too. I mention this here since I saw a few at Shampoo Friday night. The crowd is, as I said young and largely gay. Someone I know said to me, "Oh, honey, there's a couple of girls over by the buffet..." (did I mention the free buffet? It's really not as nice as the spread I put out, but hey, it's free) "...and do they need makeup consulting." I saw them a little later, and these girls not only needed makeup work, they needed shaves. And the outfits! Can we talk? When middle aged crossdressers go to a youth oriented club they should take a look at what the other girls are wearing and do their best to come close. If you can't wear a slip dress or bare midriff top with short shorts, at least try to look like the drag queens. Go for a little glamma! These girls were decked out in their best Sally Secretary thrift shop suits. Not fun suits from the '60s or '70s—dumb suits in drab colors and evil fabrics. Must have been '50s vintage. I had to run to the ladies room to compose myself. (As you can see from the photo, Kalina knows how to dress for clubbing.)

Seriously, it's outfits and stubble like that that cause the fashion conscious gay guys and glamorous drag queens to wonder about why the hell anyone would want to dress up as a woman and look bad. This leads to misunderstanding and raids by the Fashion Police. Not a good thing.

If you're gonna go out to the club scene, take a look at what the club kids wear. And remember, you don't have to dress just like them. Like I said, if showing your bare midriff is going to empty the club, then come up with an outfit that presents you in your best light. Another girl I met wore an '80s shiny cotton dress with a peplum. Remember peplums? The scary thing about it is I remember wearing peplum dresses when I used to boogie at the New York clubs back in the day. This girl worked that dress, and it was good to see a CD having a good time with a "look." She even had on sunglasses, just like the 1980s club scene. She spoiled the effect by telling me she wore the sunglasses cause she wasn't any good at eye makeup while driving on the Expressway. Remember, never advertise your faults.

Part way into the night a large bus pulled in and unloaded a gaggle of New York queens. I met the very nice Flotilla DeBarge, and she introduced me to Cherry Vine and NYC drag singing sensation, Joey Arrias. The girls were not at all attitude queens. We chatted for awhile and I found out that I may have replaced Joey in the last episode of Absolutely Fabulous a few years ago. It seem that she was slated to do the New York drag queen part with her back up singers and another commitment kept her from doing the gig. The casting director called The Diva and the rest is video history. Small world ain't it?

Even though the NY girls were fun I wondered why the Philadelphia night club scene needs to import its drag queens. The regular hostess at Shampoo is the fabulous Fee Fee LaDada and she has got just as much glamma as any out of town queen. More, I believe she's actually taller than RuPaul. If the girls from the Philly suburbs would just get their butts into the downtown club scene, hang out with Miss LaDada, and learn glamma we wouldn't have to import it from other cities. See ya Friday at Shampoo, no excuses.

This & That

Our favorite on screen TS, Steven Macintosh, who appeared in the indie film, Different For Girls, is appearing on a definitely male role in the new release, The Land Girls. Back in WWII when the English farmers had to go off to war, the English women stepped in and worked the land as part of The Women's Land Army. Hence the title. This all volunteer outfit got the crops in and kept things running while the mad dogs and Englishmen were out putting the kibosh on Jerry, or Dennis, or... whoever.

Macintosh plays Joe, the landowner's son. He has just joined the air force and before he ships out he indulges in typical male behavior by have amorous entanglements with three of his father's new female field hands.

The three women are played by Catherine McCormack, Anna Friel, and Rachel Weisz. They come from different backgrounds which is great for film making. They all fool around with Joe and one of them falls in love with him, but then he has to go drop bombs on Germans. If it's not one thing it's another.

The film is out now and is a visual treat, as vibrant color in costume and landscape contrast with the psychological gloom of wartime England

There are a couple of films coming up that bring familiar names back to the screen or deal with subject matter that may lend itself to some type of TG plot device. Keep yours eyes and ears open and always read The Diva. I'll dig up more info as soon as it's available.

The director of The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of The Desert, Stephan Elliott, has another outback comedy in the pipeline. MGM will be releasing Welcome to Woop Woop in a month or two. Then we'll see if Elliott has a drag theme running through all his work. Woop Woop could be a drag related thing, or, on the other hand, it might just be something aborigines say after a long walk about. In any event, one drag legend does appear in the pic; The originator of Dame Edna, Barry Humphries, has a role in Woop Woop. Another star is the woman who was an inspiration to thousands of crossdressers as Ginger on Gilligan's Island, Tina Louise. This one could be good. Check your listings for feature times.

MacGregor as RentonThe Velvet Goldmine is on the way from Miramax. It's about 1970s glam rock and stars the lad from Trainspotting, Ewan McGregor. Oh boy, a glam rock band you can't understand. What'd he say?

Since the theme is glam rock there could be some drag slipping into this one. I know the glam bands inspired a lot of teenage boys to wear things most of the population thought of as girly clothes. Hand me my spandex pants and platform boots, it's time to rock on.

Also coming from Miramax is a film that better have a little drag. Dame Judi Dench stars as Queen Elizabeth I and Joseph Fiennes (related to Ralph?) is Will Shakespeare in Shakespeare in Love. No word on who he's in love with but the film also stars the lovely, and well informed ,(ya gotta read these columns) Gwyneth Paltrow. I love Judi Dench, but given a choice...

Since we're talking theater in Elizabethan times there should be more than adequate opportunity for drag parts in this flick. Perhaps Will is actually in love with one of his male actresses? There has been talk, but they're not gonna waste Ms. Paltrow as a hand maiden to the Queen. She's gotta be the love interest.

Since we're talking about film here, how about that Mulan? One film critic, Moira Macdonald, said in a recent review, "It's the studio's [Disney] first animated feature in my memory to use the words "cross-dresser" and "drag show..." It's also broken new ground by being the first film to feature the voices of Harvey Fierstein and Donny Osmond. Now there's a co-starring combination. Who is that casting director?

Ya don't suppose there's anything to the allegations by the religious right that Disney's got some kind of homosexual agenda, do ya? Nah! It's a transgendered agenda. The lead character crossdresses to save China. Keep up the good work Disney. Walt's really spinning now.

That's it my little turnips. The Diva will return in thirty days. Until then visit the Library Archive and read my old columns. See ya. Send me email if ya wanna tell me any hot gossip, or politely discuss differences of opinion.

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