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By Angela Gardner

It's a drag world after all, it's a drag world after all, it's a drag, drag world. That's right kittens, and it's highly probable that there's a famous mouse who wears lady's undies. At least it seems that way with the things Disney have been up to lately.

Back in November I told you about a film in production called Mr. Headmistress. It aired last Sunday on The Wonderful World of Men in Dresses... I mean The Wonderful World of Disney, and my oh my was the headmistress cute. Well, in a sensibly attired Julia Child, but not as hefty, way. (Katey Sagal wore power suits but they were all dark colored, so no fashion pizzazz there either.) Harland Williams dons drag to escape from some bad guys, and in the process finds himself taking the place of a woman education expert brought in to fix up an all girls school with problems. It's ruffled necklines and blazers for this headmistress as she digs into the job and brings upgrades, solves personal problems for the students, and turns the field hockey team into a fighting machine. (Yeah, it's the old he's-a-better-man-in-a-dress plot device.)Ya see, if the grades go up and the hockey team wins, a benefactor will donate $500,000 to the school... in a check conveniently made out to the headmistress. Guess that kind of cash could make shaving your legs worth while, huh?

It's all done in a Disney way. For example, the bad guys tie up the ersatz headmistress' accomplice and torture him to tell where Harland is hiding. The torture? A feather to the naked foot. They tickle it out of him. And, all the men are enamored of the headmistress, of course. For some reason they all long to kiss her hand and get close. Who writes this stuff? I suspect it's someone who spent years cranking out transvestite fiction.The plot is a pretty standard version of one of those books. Only difference is, after the headmistress has helped everybody, won the big hockey game and gotten the 500 grand, she learns her lesson, gives back the money and comes out to everyone as the male con man she really is. In the TV books she'd just give into the joy of women's clothes, start taking hormones and stay on and run the school. Well, that happens too, the running the school part, but it's because everyone forgives and defends him and he takes the job as a guy.

One other thing makes me suspect the writers. The character's name is Tucker. Dressing like a woman... name is Tucker... coincidence? I don't think so.

Saturday Night's All Right For...

Garth Brooks must be trying to shed his down home country boy image. Did ya catch him on Saturday Night Live back in February? He started the show by dressing as a hippy and doing a psychedelic song. Then he appeared in the "Mango" sketch. Mango is an exotic male dancer who captivates Garth (who plays himself) when Garth and some pals stop in at a club someone recommended, little suspecting it features male exotic dancers. There were M Butterfly overtones to Garth's backstage visit to Mango's dressing room. He arrives with flowers and is spurned by Mango (who isn't all that hot and sexy... actually not hot and sexy at all). He ends up slumped over in an alley drinking and moaning for Mango.

As if all this weren't enough to make his cow feces punting fans begin to wonder, he tops it by appearing in a quiz show sketch called "Old French Whore." You guessed it. Garth appeared before the world as "Coco, the 67 year old French whore." Actually, he looked a lot younger than 67 and seemed pretty comfortable in a shimmy dress and feather boa. He's got a good face for drag.

Well all I can say, mind ya, is that there danged old country music has changed a lot since the old days. You wouldn't never see Merle Haggard in no damn shimmy dress. Conway Twitty would never have been caught on the television in a simple A line skirt and pumps. Do you suppose country music has changed that much? I guess we'll have to see how many nominations Our Miss Brooks gets at the next Country Music Awards. In the meantime keep your eyes open for a new country chart topper from Boy George. Nah, just kidding.

If You Can't Get Lesbians...

Guys in dresses will do. At least that's how it seems in the television world. When I started writing for the transgender press I'd mention a few appearances of men in dresses on TV now and then. Now days it seems like there's a guy in drag in every show. Why is this? Maybe we should Ask Harriet. Gone but not forgotten. Anyhow, there are so many guys in dresses that it's become impossible to mention them all. I'll try though.

The Drew Carey Show has brought back the crossdressing brother. The brother is in a phase that some of us go through, wherein we feel we need to tell everybody about ourselves. We just feel so darn good we need to share. Some of us do this "coming out" in ways that feature more enthusiasm than forethought. Of course on television that's where the comedy comes from, so Drew's brother ends up popping out of a cake at Drew's bachelor party in an outfit that looks a bit like Wonder Woman's. The boy's dad is seated right in front of the cake and even though he's pretty shocked... he's over it by the end of the show. Wrap all the issues up in a half hour and move on to the next show. Could that be why this planet is so wacky?

Veronica's Closet with Kirsty Alley is fairly wacky and it's had its share of crossdressing. On one episode a male employee who wanted to design lady's undies was ordered to wear them so he'd know if they're comfortable or not. In January a subplot featured a model named Tiffany who had a funny looking shadow on the results of her photo shoot. They speculate for the whole show and at the end one of the guys kisses her, walks away and proclaims to the others, "It's a guy." Tiffany, portrayed by a GG, was a hot dish, and I for one wouldn't have walked away after just one kiss. But hey, that's the kind of girl I am.

Veronica's latest foray into gender bending featured a real life female impersonator and has stirred up a little controversy. Ooo, what's the dish? Well girls, I never was actually alone with the president... oops. Wrong dish. I'm not scheduled to testify till next week. Back to Veronica's Closet.

In a recent episode Veronica is appalled to discover a drag queen is doing a cable show called Moronica's Closet. In an effort to get the queen to stop she goes to the cable studio and confronts her. The impersonator tells Veronica she's always been an inspiration and promises to stop making fun of her after Veronica tells her deep dark secret about how all the kids used to tease her. The very next show includes a sketch that reveals the secret to the world and makes fun of Veronica's sidekick, to boot. Veronica vows to "get that freak" and attorneys are summoned.


Karen Dior

The end of the show is supposed to be a fashion show and Veronica is set to be lowered onto the stage in a giant bra (designed by the guy who had to wear lady's scanties). After she is injured in a fight with a kleptomaniac model (I just report this stuff) the finale is almost ruined cause she can hardly stand up, let alone get into the bra. What to do? It's drag queen to the rescue. The impersonator climbs into the giant bra and takes Veronica's place for the finale. Again, all problems solved in a half an hour. Actually less with the commercials.

The controversy? I knew you couldn't wait. The drag queen is played by Karen Dior. Karen's boy name is Geoffrey Gann and he's the son of a former Republican Represnetative from Montana, and his mom's a Republican, too. I wonder how that goes over at the country club? Oh girls, did you see my drag queen son on Veronica's Closet? To further complicate things Karen is HIV + and is successfully living with it.

I believe Miss Dior was the girl like us who appeared in Xena, and she's also been in Bud Light spots. Anyhow, unlike myself ( Grrrr... down Diva, down!), she has been doing great working in film and TV in a dress. (She's dated Eddie Murphy, too and he's dropped his lawsuit against her.) Oh, right, I haven't got to the controversy yet. Sorry, I just get so wrapped up in telling a story.

It seems that while on the set everything was just hunky dory. The Veronicas, faux and real, posed for pics and kidded around. After the shoot, though, it seems that Ms. Alley's people would not release any of the photos of Kirstey and Karen. Why? It seems Kirstey's people told Karen's people, " Kirsty didn't want to appear in any of THOSE magazines." Oh come on Kirstey, I think I can get you a spread in LadyLike if you're willing to let us put a shadow in a strategic spot. Have your people talk to my people. But seriously, kind of homophobic (I'm sure she isn't aware enough to be transphobic) for a Scientoligist, don't ya think. Get out that e-meter and work on those engrams Kirstey. Having your picture in a few gay oriented magazines might help the show's ratings. Dropping a pound or two might help, too. Did I say that? Meow!

Last Drops in The Cyber Sea

Backstage has given it's Backstage Bistro Awards for some recent span of time, and in the impersonation catagory the winners are, may I have the envelope please... Tommy Femia as Judy Garland at Don't Tell Mama (NYC) and Richard Skipper as Carol Channing at Don't Tell Mama and other clubs. Congrats kids! Keep up the glamma.

If you're in Philadelphia on April 4th come on out and join me at The Renaisance Spring Ball. It should be a fun event with dinner, (accompanied by live classical strings) and a live band for dancing. Tickets are only $50 and the profit go to non-profit Renaissance for the benefit of the transgender community. Visit the Spring Ball page on their website and get more info. You can even buy your ticket there.

That's all she wrote for this month, girls. It's time to fire up the email and get this to my editor before she has another panic attack. I keep telling her to adjust her medication. Ta ta my little penne pastas!


The Diva can't do it all. She only has so many eyes. If you see something that girls like us need to know send it along ASAP.


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