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A Lesson Learned the Hard Way

By Jessica



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David?"

"Yes, Mommy?" I said.

"Are you wearing your sisters panties again?"

"Yes." I answered sheepishly.

"Why?" my confused mother demanded.

"Well," I stammered, "because they feel better!"

This conversation did not happen verbatim, but it did happen. My mother, a newly divorced mother of 5 with no marketable skills, did what she had to in order to make ends meet. Consequently, being the youngest of 5, I received the hand-me-downs from ALL the other four. My brother also received the girls seconds but he refused to wear them. I didn't in fact if I had been old enough to realize it, I treasured them. At least I knew I liked them better than the drab, rough boys clothes. I also treasured my sisters, in a family where dolls were at a premium, a young cooperative brother was an asset. My mom didn't think much of it until she took me shopping for real 'new' clothes and I wanted to shop in the girls department.

It was later the opening conversation (or some facsimile) took place. After that conversation, my mother sought counseling for me through the church. I didn't know that's what he was called at the time as I was pretty young. Anyway, I told him about how I thought girls clothes were made softer and I felt like I belonged in them. After about three months of seeing him he determined "It was just a phase", and it was... the beginning phase!

Shortly after, I had to move in with relatives because my mother became ill. Finances and 5 demanding children took their toll on her. Throughout all, my mothers Love was unconditional and her efforts to support us financially and emotionally were exemplary.

As I was saying, I had to move in with relatives and when 'SHE' my nemesis saw the clothes I was accustomed to wearing, she had a field day. She slammed my mother and teased me. She treated me like a disease. Needless to say a shopping spree was in order. Soon I was a 'proper' little boy and I hated it. My only outlet was to sneak my cousins clothes from the line in the basement and try them on. I ultimately got caught and was beat severely, bad enough to where I couldn't go to school for a few days.

My excursions to the laundry room became scarce and then finally non-existent. I stopped dressing completely until...

I was twenty two and married to my first wife (we divorced for other reasons). I don't remember what the circumstances were or why I wasn't better prepared but I was cold and I borrowed a heavy cowl neck sweater from one of my wives girlfriends. Suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, all the repressed feelings came to the front and I knew I wanted more. So, how does a macho, huntin and fishin, truck drivin he man tell he wife he likes to wear women's clothes? This one was too chicken, I never did. Instead, I made hints and picked up the most feminine men's clothes I could find. One day though I was in for a treat, my wife bought me some sweaters on sale. They were bulky cable and turtlenecks. After I tried them on and told her how good they felt, she said she was relieved because they were from the ladies department and she was afraid I wouldn't wear them. Other than those sweaters, I didn't get much of a chance to dress up. She was barely over 5 ft and I'm over 6'. Too much size difference to wear her clothes. Later (about 11 years) we were divorced for unrelated reasons.

After the divorce, I bought a couple of outfits, but was too shy to go out or anything like that. I just enjoyed being home and being Jessica. After dabbling with dressing for a while, I met the person who was to become my second wife. Remember those "purges"? Well I was through crossdressing. I was a man in love with a woman. I put away "childish" things to be this woman's man. We were married, and like a fool I did not have the fortitude or integrity to tell her of my history of crossdressing. After all, it was done and over with right? Wrong, after three years of marriage I started thinking of dressing again.

I bought some clothes, you know the type gender-less appearance unless you look close. This worked fine for a while but then I was ready for the bigtime. In preparation for a business trip, I bought a blazer, skirt and all the trimmings. After all the trips I've been on, I don't know why she picked this time to put something in my suitcase, but there it was in all its glory, a complete woman's outfit. She confronted me and I told her I wanted to see what It felt like to dress up in it (lies never get you anywhere).

She let it go for awhile, I even entertained hopes she might be supportive. Boy, was I wrong!! She told me I made her skin crawl, and I was an embarrassment. She asked me to leave when relatives were coming for my step-daughters graduation.

I did and haven't returned through mutual agreement. So here I am, alone. I am still very much in Love with her. We are to be divorced because of my choice of life style. This woman whom I would die for was so deeply hurt by my lying and sneaking. Any of you that may be in a similar situation, think hard, really hard, is sneaking around believing "you won't get caught" worth the Love of your spouse. CATEGORICALLY NO. Be honest with her now. You may still wind up single, but at least your integrity and self respect will be in tact. The hurt I saw on my wife's face, will be vivid until the day I die.

Yes, if your asking, I still dress, almost all the time. But then the rules have changed. I'm single, I am not responsible for another's heart.

I only write this because all I seem to hear are the Cinderella stories. I truly pray that each of you who are being honest with yourself, can be just as honest with the one you Love. The alternative is a life of guilt.

Hugs,
Jessica



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