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The Vampire's Lair




Role Models?

One thing that can help any transgender woman on her quest for ultimate femininity is a good role model. Sometimes this could be a transgendered friend, a famous female impersonator, a leader of a transgender support group, or a genetic female wife or companion.

But what if a good role model doesn't exist? What if the environment we live in doesn't quite have the necessary ingredients for a decent learning atmosphere? Who can we turn to? I'm not going to answer all of these questions, but I can warn you against the types of people who do not make good role models. These are - surprise surprise - genetic females who, perhaps unintentionally or not, lack the right stuff for being a great role model. Avoid imitating these fashion blunderers and uncouth examples of society.

A lot of straight dance clubs are frequented by lots of women who look like campy drag queens! Big hair, lots of makeup and jewelry, long fingernails with exotic colors, and skintight clothing that do not quite hide the fact that the girl has a penchant for Tastykakes and cheesesteak sandwiches. Lots of club women smoke too much and have hoarse and raspy voices to prove it. Many also have the intelligence of a rock.

Recently, my wife and I were dining at a posh restaurant/club in Center City when we noticed a handsome young couple being seated next to us. The guy was wearing a white t-shirt (the kind that costs over $50) and baggy black slacks. He had day-old scruff that made him look charming in a rogue-like way. The girl looked and acted like the cream of the crop in elegance. Her blonde hair and makeup were perfect. Her black jacket, skirt, and heels looked very stylish and very expensive. The waiter directed the girl to her seat and she had her nose up with a slight smirk the entire time as if to say, "I'm all that." When she turned about-face to be seated, I noticed the inevitable.

She wasn't really "all that."

In fact, she wasn't even close to it. Her skirt was way too short and her ass cheeks, little as they were, were sticking out of her skirt. When she sat down and opened her menu, I noticed she had impossibly long nails, too.

"A female impersonator?" I thought to myself.

But, no, it was a genetic woman, an example of an ostentatious club woman. There are club women who are smart, look good, and have very friendly demeanors. These are the demure club women. These women are one in a million. The rest of the club women are ostentatious club women. They concentrate on one thing only - their looks. Once they lose their looks, that's it. The magic is gone.

The girl's boyfriend spoke and that's where the two models from a magazine turned into ugly frogs. His South Philadelphia accent was annoying and accentuated by curse words. When the girl spoke, she wasn't any better. I could tell that they were in the beginning stages of their relationship. All he could talk about was his car and, when she spoke, she said nothing about cars. After she finished ordering, she tried to look sophisticated drinking her glass of wine, but her long nails got in the way. At one point, she almost spilled her wine on herself.

Oh, well, at least this girl was trying to make herself look elegant and sophisticated. Give her some points for that, but don't let these types of women be your ideal.

Some women like to turn up their snob dials even though they may not have exactly stemmed from royalty or cultured backgrounds. Sometimes these women can be especially hilarious in a pathetic way. Every guy has probably met the type of woman who has read a couple of arcane books and then believes that she is some sort of expert on those books. I call these women "pseudo-intellectuals." They will raise their noses when they hear that you've never read anything from such and such an author (even though they themselves have only heard about the author in the past week!). The best defense against these women is to bombard them with boatloads of information on the arcane books that you've read. These women will then attempt to look intelligent by pretending to understand what you are saying. Only you will have the last laugh. Don't be like these women. It is better to have a real education than to be a pseudo-intellectual.

But what about women who spit or chew gum with their mouths open? Many of them, especially the unkempt "I don't give a damn about my looks" ones are especially nasty! N-A-S-T-Y!!!!! These women should stay at home watching Jerry Springer. I suggest that a list of names and addresses of all of these women be made available to the men (and women) who like these nasty women. Like attracts like. Just keep them away from us civilized folks. Don't be like these women, either.

I was down in Ocean City, Maryland a few days ago and noticed, during my frequent people-watching adventures, two middle-aged ladies wearing clubkid clothes that would have looked better on women half their age: baby tees, jeans, and platform sneakers. The rest of the people in the beach club were wearing beach attire, so the two women looked terribly out of place. "What planet are they from?" was the general response from onlookers. These women get double points off, once for not dressing appropriately, and twice for not dressing their age. Oh, yes, one of the women was quite overweight. Her rippled and layered flab was displayed quite prominently through her baby tee. Did she think she looked sexy or something? Don't be like these women!

Lesson One: Appearance is one thing, but follow-through is every bit as important. You could look like the most beautiful person in a place, but if you have an uncultured mouth, you had better get yourself some speech lessons and if you have an uncultured mind, you had better start reading some books, obtaining some formal education, or hanging out with intelligent friends. Lastly, you have to blend in with the rest of your environment. That's where knowing how to dress comes into play.

[Preaching mode on.]

When I hear women comment about a female friend they like most, they use words like, "She's very pretty, very funny, a real nice person, kind and considerate, highly intelligent, has lots of goals and works very hard to achieve them, and [add other positive words you may be thinking of here]." In other words, this great friend has balance in her life. This is how every person, whether he or she lives as male or female, should live his or her life. Balance leads to success.

[Preaching mode off.]

Let's turn our attention to women who shop in department stores.

Women who leave "makeup rings" or lipstick on the necks of shirt tops should be banned from entering a department store ever again. There should be a law or at least a store policy much like "you break it, it's yours." Every fitting room should be staffed with a clerk who inspects merchandise before and after it is tried on. If you damage or ruin merchandise, whether intentionally or accidentally, you should paid for it. End of story. Don't be dissing (disrespecting) other people's property.

A lot of snobby women I've met, who would like to think they're models, have an attitude of "I only wear clothes made by Gaultier or Vivienne Westwood or (fill in your fave designer). Anything less is unacceptable." A self-proclaimed diva from the group, Club 69, says, "Yeah, I'm the diva. I like shopping. I like going to the grocery store. I like painting my nails..." The list goes on and on about what she likes to do. "Work" is not one of those things. A good number of crossdressers have an incredibly strong work ethic. They work hard to make a lot of money so they can buy more clothes. What a great goal. When you work hard towards something, and you finally reach that goal, you feel great. Not only that, but you earn the right to feel great. The selfish diva will never understand this. The selfish diva will lead a superficial life of overly high expectations and may never be satisfied with what she has. Ever. To not be the stereotypical selfish diva mentally, but just look like one, is the model of living I propose. A diva with brains... that's another one in a million kind of person.

Lesson Two: Respect other people's property. Of course, respect yourself and your own property first. This may be the key to understanding the first sentence. Set goals for yourself and achieve them within a timeline.

Lesson Three: Okay, so a certain authority figure in the community chastised me in her column for using the term "guido," pointing out that it's a slur, so I came up with "ostentatious club person" as a replacement for "guido" in this and future columns. Personally, I think it's funnier to call the two dancing club guys on Saturday Night Live "guidoes" than "ostentatious club men," but what do I know? Some people may have been too easily offended. I've been fighting off racial slurs all my life (let's see... "fuckin' chink" comes to mind a lot). I love Italian women; that's why I married my wife. My in-laws are Italian. My godparents are Italian. Everyone in the Brooklyn Italian neighborhoods I grew up in do not think the term is derogatory (unless you attach a curse word in front of it). So... SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOU. Now that we're on a "politically correct" bent, the proper term for an Asian person is "Asian" and not "Oriental." Bet a lot of you didn't know that. Actually, the real point of her chastisement was my lack of knowledge of "cruising." Okay, okay, so I don't know everything.

 

A Shopping Tip

If you have a lot of experience shopping for clothes - and I mean a lot of experience - you will eventually develop a knack for picking clothes that look great on you without having to try them on. You will be able to pick up a top, a pair of pants, or a dress with both hands, raise it to eye level, and tell if it looks good on you. The things you will look for are the garment's length and width, the color and the style and how it might look on you. Do not rely on "One Size Fits All" labels. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't look like it's going to fit you or look good on you, chances are it won't. Put it back on the rack.

I know a lot of women who will buy something because it looks sexy on a mannequin or on a model in a catalog. Don't fall for this trap! Ask yourself why you want it. Is it because you secretly want to look like the mannequin or the women in the catalog? Chances are the mannequin or the catalog models are physically smaller than you and the clothes they wear are specially fitted to look great on them. The reason why these models look so good is - duh! - because the manufacturer wants to prey on our lascivious minds and make us buy more stuff.

Lesson Four: When it comes to clothes shopping, know your body and let your mind, not your you-know-what, do the decision-making.

 

Kalina's Cool Colors of the Month

Maybelline Orange Knocks, Fuschia Hops, and Purple Rage, all part of the Express Finish fast-dry nail enamel line. The latter three are shocking drag queen colors for the summer months. Wear one with Maybelline's Moisture Whip Lipstick in Silver Sand. Also check out Sally Hansen's Hard As Nails enamel in Shock Frost (a lime green) and ColorFast nail enamel line for some interesting new colors. Cover Girl Vintage Wine is a perfect plum. And check out Orly Salon Nails matte finish nail color in Satin Wisteria, a wild silver metallic!

 

Soda Pop Buzz

If you happen to live near a beauty supply store, check out Revlon's new R Pro line of professional makeup products, everything from stick foundation to a collection of natural bristle brushes. Prices are not outrageous, either, at a max of $10 per product. As with all professional makeup products, you will need to buy the applicators separately, so a blush pot, for example, will not come with a brush (very rarely will you want to use the supplied applicator with any drugstore makeup item anyway).

Avoid the brush-on gel acrylic nail kits if you do not have an artistic bent. The marketing lit will have you believe that you can obtain a professional manicure in minutes. Ha ha ha ha ha (500 times). It's easier to glue on some acrylic nails, coat your nail with a thin layer of glue, sprinkle acrylic powder on top, and file smooth. Repeat three times. Even this method requires a lot of skill. I have seen people who have mastered getting a perfect set of nails on one hand, but the other hand leaves a lot to be desired. Practice makes perfect.

The best cheap acrylic nails I have found are Cosmar's Pro-10 in Natural Curve or Extra Curve. Buy them in packs of 100 for about $7 at your local drugstore. Both nail types are quite long and should be trimmed for a more natural effect.

Ponds has recently released an update to the pore strips for the nose that they and Bioré have made immensely popular. Ponds' Clear Pore Strips can be used all over the face and can help you remove blackheads and unclog pores. These strips come in assorted shapes and sizes similar to the way assorted bandages are sold.

If you want to bake in the sun, don't forget to use sunscreen! Use at least an SPF 15 oil-free and waterproof formulation, especially if you like laying on the beach. Don't sunbathe for more than 60 to 90 minutes. Some makeup products claim to have SPF protection, but I wouldn't trust them as my sole means of protection. After your sunbath, take a shower to remove all the sunscreen gloop, salt water, and sand particles from your body. Rehydrate your body with Lancome's new body moisturizing spray called Re-Source.

The new look in sunglasses is a swept-up, almost "Spider-Man"-like shape. Check out a Bugle Boy store for some cheap pairs ($15) or, if your tastes run rich, some designer sunglasses stores that will charge upwards of $200 or more per pair.

The July/August issue of Maxim has an article about a Brian Zembic, a "Joe Six Pack"-kind of guy who would do anything to win a bet. A high stakes gambler friend challenged him to undergo breast implant surgery and wear 38C breasts for one year in order to win $100,000. Being the wild and crazy guy that he is, he, of course, won the bet and found that he was quite attractive to women who would enjoy him as their "ultimate fantasy." What did his family think of his act? His brothers "laughed their asses off" and his father retorted, "If I was given the opportunity to make that kind of money, I'd do the same thing." Two pictures of his "curvaceous" body appear in that issue.

The July issue of FHM includes a mini-magazine of the "100 Sexiest Women of 1998." In order, they are: 1. Jenny McCarthy (huh?) 2. Denise Van Outen 3. Louise Nurding 4. Jennifer Aniston (huh?) 5. Cameron Diaz 6. Carmen Electra (from Prince slut to superstar bikini babe - aren't publicists wonderful?) 7. Catherine Deeley 8. Melanie Sykes 9. Courteney Cox 10. Gillian Anderson 11. Isla Fisher 12. Yasmine Bleeth 13. Dannii Minogue 14. Natalie Imbruglia 15. Teri Hatcher 16. Alicia Silverstone (and she thought she was too fat!) 17. Kate Winslet (she was too fat) 18. Caprice, 19. Sophie Anderton 20. Melanie Blatt 21. Samantha Janus 22. Kylie Minogue (never thought she was that cute, although her sister at number 13 is) 23. Sandra Bullock 24. Elizabeth Hurley (loved her in Austin Powers) 25. Melinda Messenger 26. Rhona Mitra 27. Emma Noble 28. Nicole Appleton 29. Kelly Brook 30. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen (she's off and on - voluptuous in some images, fat in others) 31. Neve Campbell 32. Natalie Appleton 33. Joanne Guest 34. Salma Hayek (she is hot) 35. Victoria Adams 36. Cindy Crawford (ho hum) 37. Nicola Charles 38. Anna Friel 39. Pamela Anderson (better bod than face) 40. Zoe Ball 41. Dani Behr 42. Tyra Banks 43. Shania Twain 44. Emma Bunton (Baby Spice makes the list? I like Ginger better) 45. Jordan 46. Mariah Carey 47. Helena Christiansen (bleh!!!) 48. Kate Moss 49. Drew Barrymore 50. Ulrika Jonsson. Okay, okay, I'm sick of typing. To find out who the other 50 are, buy the magazine!

 

Goo Me, Baby

Here's a little pic that I generated from a cool little program called Kai's Power Goo, available for both Macintoshes and PCs. I gave myself Barbie-sized proportions, enlarging my chest and hips and reducing my waist and you-know-what. At 5'8" with 44-22-36 proportions, I think I look pretty damn sexy.

Besides mutating transgender pictures, you can also mutate your fave facial photographs to appear more caricature-like. The product box is covered with a number of humorous examples. You can even create "Goovies" that display a series of slide pictures of an original photograph morphing into a mutated photograph.

 

Like this column? Want to find out more about Kalina the Sexy Vampire? Then click here to check out my fabulous Web site! E-mail me if you think I'm sexy.

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