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Love Yourself, Love Your Partner
By Linda Kaye
I recently read an article, entitled, An Unexpected Love. The article
told about a young woman who had
spent a lifetime battling cancer, losing a leg, both breasts, her
ability to bear children. When she least
expected it, a young man fell in love with her. Her fears about what she
perceived was the unattractiveness of her disfigured body, plus the knowledge
that the cancer is back and that it will cut short her life, were paramount
in her mind. The young man still wanted to marry and share her life, however
brief it might be. He loved the entire person, and saw the beauty that lives
within her. To him, it was her bravery, the joy of her smile and the goodness
of her heart that attracted him...the rest did not matter.
This article gave me pause for thought, for I wonder how many of us
have an unexpected love in our lives? How many of us have learned to love and appreciate
ourselves? And more importantly, how many of us recognize the importance of who lives inside the other person and
what constitutes attractiveness?
Perhaps we are too captured by what the society to which we belong
believes beauty to be. We are told that outer beauty is vitally important, but I believe it is the
inner beauty that we come to love. Life is often cruel with our bodies, and often the outer beauty is destroyed.
Does this make us less of a person? I think not, for what is most important and beautiful lives inside us.
It is written that the true nature of a heart is seen in its response
to the unattractive. If one is the partner of a transgendered person, we are often faced with having to
disregard what we see on the outside. I can’t begin to tell you how many women who write me are so distressed to see
their “macho, male, hairy man they fell in love with” disappear when he
crossdresses. They find their en femme husbands unattractive. One wife
recently wrote she was intensely jealous of the fact that her husband can
wear the clothes she used to fit into; she is a bit heavier now and resented
him fitting into those clothes. She didn’t feel good about herself and she
couldn’t look into his inner person because she hadn’t looked into herself
and found herself worthy of love.
This brings to mind the title of that article, An Unexpected Love.
Often when you least expect it,
you are given a gift of love. You may not feel worthy of this gift. You
don’t know what to do with it. What
you should do with it is to embrace the gift, appreciate and nurture it. My
relationship with Vanessa is perhaps the unexpected love of my life. I have
been given another chance; why, I don’t know, but this time, I will not throw
it away. This is a love that means so much, that it is the number one
priority in my life. I have finally reached a maturity level to recognize a
real gift, and to know that it is a gift, one that must be nurtured, and have
first place in my life. My career no longer has the meaning it did, my place
in the gender community no longer has the importance it previously had; there
is nothing that means more to me than my partner and our relationship.
However, Vanessa and I have been married more than two years now.
Surely, the first bloom of
love and passion have disappeared...but they haven’t. Why? Perhaps
because there is a maturity in this
relationship where we both realize that as unexpected as the beginning
of our love and relationship was, it is
important to keep it unexpected. Far too often, couples in any
relationship find themselves becoming sedate
with the relationship. The excitement of the courtship and marriage are
over; the passion seems to become
less intense, less important. A couple begins to adapt to everyday life, and
in doing so, often allows the stress and pressures of everyday life to enter
the relationship. They begin to lose something very precious along the way,
when in fact, all of the things that interfere should be used as reasons to
draw closer together.
What they lose is the intimacy factor of the relationship. They don’t
touch as often, they don’t share
as they used to, they lose the laughter in the relationship. They go
about everyday life, loving each other, but
not drawing closer. They need each other but they put that need
somewhere else.
Perhaps what they lose the most is the unexpectedness of each other.
They find themselves sure of
what the other will do. It is a comfortable place to be, but one that
can become a lonely place. A relationship
should never be allowed to reduce to a simple comfort zone. It needs to
be constantly growing, nurtured by
the love two people share, and there has to be that sense of the
unexpected. Mystery has a firm place in a
relationship if it is used to keep the relationship exciting and
growing. People are constantly growing and as
we age, our outer person changes dramatically. However, if the love you
have for your partner encompasses
the entire person, especially the one who lives inside, then it really
doesn’t matter what you or your partner
look like. It is your commitment to each other, your desire to
continually renew your love by keeping it
unexpected - and always the most important part of your life.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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