Transgender

Forum











Linda & Vanessa Kaye

Celebration of Life

By Linda Kaye

Each living person has both an "inner" cycle and "exterior" cycle. All too often, people allow their exterior life cycle to rule over and dominate the inner life cycle. Only when we realize the distinction of the two, will we be able to fully realize the potential that still exists within us, regardless of our age.

Sometime ago, I was sent a small booklet, entitled "Happy Birthday Therapy." One of the sections of the book state: "How old do you feel on the inside? Reflect on what your answer reveals about you. Celebrate the child within you - your enthusiasm, passion, hope. Celebrate the adult within you-your maturity, compassion, wisdom."

I thought that these were rather profound words. As I read them again recently, I wanted to reflect on where I am in my life cycle, and how these life cycles can affect us all.

We have only one alternative to aging, and that is death. Obviously, life is therefore very important to us. The quality of our inner life cycles is dependent solely on ourselves - we have total responsibility for what we do, how we do it and how we feel about ourselves.

There are many external influences and they do have an effect on our feelings; however, we are responsible for how we respond to those influences. There is a difference between responding and reacting, in that by responding, it indicates that we have given thought to our actions, rather than not thinking things out and reacting through animal instinct. There are times in our lives when, despite our chronicle age, we feel very, very old. Our minds and our hearts feel old, and seem defeated far beyond the aging process of the body. All life events we experience, everything we feel, everything we do remains within our life cycle. We cannot go back and change it. We might wish it to be different, it might torment us, but it will never, ever be changed.

Another favorite book of mine is "A Falling Star," written by a woman living in Africa, and who, in mid-life, met a man who changed her life. This true- to-life fairy tale is that their love and life together was one that comes along very rarely. They loved each other totally, completely, without reservation, accepting each other exactly as they were. Their life of enchantment continued for nearly two decades, until the husband became terminally ill and the fairy tale ended in the physical and mental destruction of a vibrant, caring man.

Not only does the book put into perspective how outside influences can so profoundly affect us, it allows us to see that there can be a love that comes along in life, that so completely fills us that the two lives are forever fused together, in the oneness of mind and emotion.

These two people rediscovered the child in each other. They allowed passion and enthusiasm encircle their lives; yet, they also allowed maturity, wisdom and natural compassion for each other and others around them to become the bonds for that relationship.

When the time came that the magic ended, there was left indomitable love, compassion, and dedication to the other. Somehow, this made the pain of letting go bearable. The memories of what had been nurtured the healing.

So many times, as we age, mentally, emotionally, and physically, we lose sight of this. Society puts us into compact "times of your life," telling you that simply because you are chronologically aging that you can't do certain things. Age has nothing to do with what you make of your life nor with decisions you make. What your heart tells you is right, is what should guide you.

There are so many parts to each of us. To hide those parts away simply because chronological age dictates you are to do so is to lose the essence of your personhood. As women, we need to appreciate each facet of our womanhood, from birth to death. So much happens in between. To hide it away, to not experience every moment is a dreadful loss. Life is not an enchanted and magical dimension. Rather, it is a myriad of magic and reality, and to avoid it simply because it hurts or is unpleasant or because someone else tells you it should be avoided, is to deny everything you were created to be.

Our lives are filled with dreams - and to stop dreaming is to allow outside influences to overcome your personhood. "If your life dream has been fulfilled, you may feel that something is still missing. Recast your dream so that it fits who you are now. Embrace your transformed dream." (Happy Birthday Therapy) Dreams are simply hopes, emotions you want to share, possibilities. When one ceases to dream and loses hope, they begin to dwell on "what might have beens," dreams that never came true. Far better to understand that some things are impossible, but others aren't. Far better to try to make your dreams come true, even if they aren't in the original context. It is okay to transform them, change them, modify them, improve them. And it is a joyful moment when one comes true. If it doesn't, then it was good to dream it. Life goes on, and there can be more dreams. To go backward is to deny yourself - to allow your inner spirit to wither and die.

All of this is not a question of yourself involved in a gender relationship. Rather, it is a question of whether or not you are willing to allow yourself, as a person and as a woman, to be. It is a question of whether or not you are willing to go past simple existence, and to purposely seek your own happiness, to accept your past defeats or lost dreams. It is a question of whether or not you will be "old" inside, no matter what the outside may seem. There is no reason that you cannot be as youthful in your mind and heart at your point of death as you were at your point of birth. You alone are responsible for what happens in between - no one else - just you.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

TGF's Home Page