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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

You Don't Have to be Isolated - Healing Can Begin Right Away

By Linda Kaye

Vanessa and I have a website, which includes a Couples Page and link to our Couples Network . Last year, we had more than 70,000 hits to the site, and a good many of those who had looked at the web pages wrote to us. Many of those were wives or partners of transgendered persons, and I continue to correspond with quite a few of these women. It is something I enjoy doing, as I have worked for 10 years with wives and partners, in some capacity, and although I am not a professional therapist, I care and I can be a good listener, as well as offer a good dose of common sense in most situations.

A few days ago, a wife wrote to me, stating that our pages “glorified” being an accepting wife or partner of a crossdresser, and that there was no mention of the pain many women go through. Furthermore, she thought we should add a page to the site, where women who had “suffered” through the agonies of being partnered with a transgendered person could post healing words for other women like themselves.

I admit to being take aback by this letter, for I had never thought of our pages as glorifying the accepting partner. Rather, I have viewed our pages as a statement that there are actually partners who accept and who enjoy their marriage/relationship with their transgendered partner. Many of the articles on our Couples’ Page are by other wives/partners, some of whom have walked a perilous journey to finding their comfort zone in this relationship. Yes, some articles are glowing about how good it can be, but nowhere do we state that it must be this way. And nowhere do we indicate that others are not suffering.

In response to this wife, I quoted back to her some parts of her letter, which included enough information to indicate that there were other problems within the relationship beside the gender issues. Also, if her letter was accurate, her husband had spent numerous, fruitless years trying to find out who he was, and in his search, became blind to the needs of his wife and his marriage. One thing she mentioned was, “no matter how much I gave to him, he always wanted more.” Well, I don’t think this necessarily is because he is transgendered; more likely, it is because he is a selfish person, and rather than seeking a good balance, he wanted “it all.”

It is my habit to take such letters with a grain of salt. If there are 2 people in a relationship, then there are 2 stories. It would be interesting to hear his side of the story. However, such a letter from a wife is a cry for help, and you have to try to either read between the lines or else accept what she is saying, until you get a better picture of the situation as a whole.

Perhaps the saddest part of the letter I received from this woman was her obvious isolation. It is something I hear regularly. It is a shame that this wife hadn’t found sites on the Internet or a support group earlier in all of this, before she and her husband split up. It might have made a difference. There is tremendous help and support for wives and partners of all transgendered people, if only it is sought out.

There are numerous support groups across the country (and in other countries,) and many of them have meetings for partners. The are numerous sites on the Internet which have information for wives and partners, as well as some chat rooms. TG Forum has articles of interest to wives and partners every week. Vanessa and I run the Couples’ Network, accessible through the Net, where we have many resource couples who are willing to work with couples who need support and information as they work through their issues.

There is a conference designed specifically for wives and partners of heterosexual crossdressers, SPICE, which is held each July, and incorporates both professionals and peers in a variety of programs designed to help women work through issues, as well as have the opportunity for dialogue with other women. SPICE also provides programs for couples. By the way, SPICE was designed to provide anon-threatening environment for the wives/partners, and therefore, no crossdressing is allowed.

There are a variety of magazines produced by groups and individuals within the gender community, as well as many newsletters, some of which are produced strictly for wives and partners. There are also more and more books coming out that deal with many of the issues a wife/partner might be working through. These are available through several outlets, such as Creative Design Services, AEGIS and International Foundation for Gender Education. Two of Dr. Peggy Rudd’s books are written specifically with wives/partners in mind. Jo Ann Roberts wrote Coping With Crossdressing, as well as producing a video with the same title. Vanessa and I wrote Life With Vanessa, specifically for couples. And there is an absolutely endless variety of books about all levels of transgenderism.

An exciting development recently is that we are beginning to see more and more therapists learning about gender issues, and many are becoming more attentive to the needs of wives and partners. Many of these therapists are now attending the numerous conventions held throughout the country each year, and it gives them the opportunity to work first-hand with wives and partners. Many of these conventions have full Wives/Partner’s Tracks. Well known professionals such as Dr. Sandra Cole present day-long programs for wives and partners, offering them the opportunity to work with each other and deal with issues in a protected environment.

The point of all of this is that there is no longer any reason that a wife or partner need feel alone. There is no need for isolation, because the opportunities to find help are out there. When I first became a part of the gender community, these opportunities were somewhat limited, but that was 10 years ago, and the community has come to realize the importance of helping the partners of transgendered persons. There is much more that can be done, but that will come naturally and quickly as more and more people become committed and want to help others like themselves.

No two people are alike, and what is good for me may not be good for another partner. Another wife may not be able to enjoy her femme partner or deal with the issues, but simply because I am able to do it does not glorify the accepting partner. What we want to say is that it is possible for some women to find happiness with their transgendered partner. We also want to say that it takes a great deal of hard work on the part of both partners to make any relationship, let alone one in which one partner is transgendered, work. It doesn’t just “happen.” If one partner cannot give to the other, as apparently the husband of the woman who wrote me could not give to her, but instead could only take, then the relationship is not going to work.

Our website (and others like it) gives hope to those who have none. It simply shares the success stories of couples who have struggled through the issues and have come out of the struggles okay. We think it is healthier than to have a page which continually rehashes those relationships which do not succeed.

Healing begins when one knows there is hope, that things can be good, and healing means putting the pain behind us. It may not turn out to be exactly as we had hoped it would be....but healing is often surprising as it works through your mind and heart.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.



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