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Ain't That Somethin?

by Stephanie K

My essence is BOTH masculine and feminine. My essence is NEITHER masculine nor feminine. My essence is what I am. Who I am! So I am Stephanie and Steve and love being both at various times, all the time.

I continue to learn much about myself and have fun in the process. I would like to tell you about a quite significant event in my life that occurred just a few months ago while I was in California.

I travel toSanta Barbara about three times each year to participate in weeklong intensive workshops of personal and professional development. I do this with about forty other men and women who are pursuing further knowledge about their essence and how to move in the world to better pursue happiness and success in whatever they choose to do.

I was just beginning my first meeting earlier this year when I did something that I never ever thought I would ever do. I made the move toward revealing instead of concealing so that I might be more transparent to all those around me and remove the burden of silence and secrecy around something that I love dearly.

I revealed to my training group, all of whom I hold near and dear to my heart, that I enjoy crossdressing. It was scary and exhilirating all at the same time. There was a brief hushed moment followed by a general hubbub of surprised gasps, gentle laughter, and even a smattering of applause. I was trembling, but couldn't stop smiling! I wasn't surprised. I already knew that this group of people would not run screaming from the room when they found out one of us men liked to wear dresses sometimes. Revealing secrets here is met with respect, and revealing one of this magnitude is usually greeted with awe! But still.... So I did it. And so it was!

My teachers, a wonderfully supportive couple of psychologists, were amused. I knew they would be. As part of the teaching moment one of them told a brief story about a movie he'd seen with Marlon Brando in which Brando was bent over tying his shoe as another man told him about a heinous crime he had committed. After the crook finished telling his story and Brando finished tying his shoe, Brando straightened up, looked at the other guy and said, rather nonchalantly, "Ain't that somethin'!"

What a great reaction! That's all. The man I respect most in my life, my mentor, in reaction to my revealing the deepest, darkest secret in my life looked at me and said, "Ain't that somethin'!" Now, ain't THAT somethin'!!!

Well, another minute went by as some of my women friends asked me if I would dress up for them and I told them I hadn't brought any of my Stephanie clothes along this time, but would agree to do so at our next meeting, if they wanted. I was asked if I had brought any pictures and, of course, I had brought a couple of my Glamour Shots. I then told the group that I would be willing to talk about my crossdressing and answer any questions anyone had anytime during the week. Everybody quieted down and we moved on with the training activities.

It was all over in about 5 minutes. I felt warm and shaky all over but really good! I was in integrity with myself and with the group. I could now go on with my personal development work without the burden of trying to keep this rather large part of my joy and happiness a secret as we talked about and explored how to get in touch with our essence in our lives.

Throughout the rest of the day, many people came up to me with comments of support, congratulations, and awe. I showed them my pictures and most were amazed at how I looked. "Beautiful!" "Amazing!" "Do you do your own make-up?" "Wow!" "Very pretty!" Many of the people were very comfortable with all of it. In fact, one of the lesbians in the group admitted that she liked to crossdress too! Some were a little cautious and just sat at the periphery and just listened and didn't say much or asked only superficial questions (Do you shave your legs?). Some of the men stayed away and didn't say anything at all. This topic is so hot and juicy that I'm sure my revelation stoked some personal feelings of fear in a number of them. Issues around sexuality usually do.

Three days later I found myself having as much fun as I had ever had among this group of people. I had not been mocked from the room. I had not been ignored or rejected. In fact, many people had come to me with comments of congratulations and appreciation for sharing something so deep, revealing, and meaningful. By the end of the week, I had shown my pictures to everyone and everyone seemed OK around me. I must admit I had been looking for little shifts, little signs of disapproval. I didn't experience ANY!! In fact one of the women promised to take Stephanie shopping and to dinner next time we were together and another took my measurements and is sewing me a new dress!

How do I feel, several months later? Well, I must admit that I am still processing all this! I do have a slight feeling that things have somehow changed. I can't put my finger on it. Is there still a little sludge of fear of disapproval bouncing around inside me? I'm not sure. I still have a twinge of fear that maybe I revealed "too much?" Well, only time will tell. All I know is that I am still the same, or have actually changed for the better.

I continue to move and breathe with this in every moment. I have never felt so alive! I feel so "in charge" of my own life. It is truly a transition period, a move toward essence. And, heck, it's darn fun being able to talk so openly about Stephanie, one of my FAVORITE topics, anytime I want in a group of my best friends and peers. Now, ain't that somethin'!?

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