
The Woman I Am, The Body I Desire
By Toni Alexandra Evola
No, I do not hate my body. To hate my body would be to hate myself. I honor my God,
my father, my mother, my Sisters, my community, and myself. I am not disgusted or
offended by my body, but it is not as I would like it to be. I desire the life, love,
aura, essence, presence, appearance, attitude, rights, and yes, the body of a woman. I
consider myself a woman. I live as a woman. I literally have estrogen pumping through
my veins, but I am not complete. I am more than just a woman, I am a Lesbian. I am
a woman who loves women. True, I always have. But this is not a love born of only physical
attraction, but of affection, admiration, and the will to be a womanwhole.
I understand that I may never have an orgasm again. I am aware of the risks associated
with the final, surgical procedure. But, I would not be denied. I am resolute and
determined. I don't want to sit for hours in pantyhose and a skirt in extreme discomfort because there is a member between my legs that shouldn't be present. I don't want
to go to the beach in a bikini and suffer the humiliation of a certain, and odd lump
where it should not be. I don't want to go home with a new Lesbian lover and be ashamed to disrobe and have her find the single most unattractive genital on the planet,
to a feminist. I don't want to stand and urinate. I want to be a woman, complete,
whole, and alive. I long for a body that reflects the woman I know myself to be.
I don't hate men, but I don't want to be one, or be with one. I don't want unsightly
body hair on my chest, in my armpits, covering my face, lining my legs and back.
This is not attractive. This is not the woman I am. This is not me. The "Glass Ceiling"
does not intimidate me. Men do not intimidate me. I am a strong, educated, and empowered
woman. I have skills, abilities, and dreams. I will stand and deliver. I will not
be put down, harassed, slighted, silenced, or beaten back. I will excel. I will contribute to and defend my community, and my Sisters. I will survive.
I am not a bitch. I am not a saint. I am not a whore. I am just a woman. This is not
a desperate plea. This is not a request. This is not the dog begging for scraps at
the table. This is not a joke. This is my life. I deserve it. I have suffered and
earned the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of womanhood. I want to be complete.
I deserve to be whole. I deserve a chance to be happy. I deserve the right to live
life on my own terms. I deserve freedom of choice. I deserve to be the woman I amand
have the body I desire.
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