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Recognizing Differences

By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the gender community for over nine years, particularly with significant others and couples groups. Julie is a regular colunnist for the DVG newsletter and has also contributed to the ETVC newsletter, Tapestry and the Femme Mirror. Julie was ETVC Member of the Year for 1995. Her e-mail address is julie39@ibm.net. She may also be reached through the DVG hotline at 510-937-8432 or by snail mail to DVG, PO Box 272885, Concord, CA 94527-2885

Recently I read a comment in a gender newsletter by a crossdresser alluding to divisions within the significant other community. Then I was told of a similar remark made by a transsexual regarding a significant others support group elsewhere in California.

Specifically, both were referring to division between wives of transvestites and wives of transsexuals. It appears to these individuals that wives who are dealing with crossdressing issues are not particular receptive to those wives whose husbands are contemplating at the least hormones and electrolysis and at the most sexual reassignment surgery.

We know that significant others of transvestites differ widely. Some are very supportive of their husband's crossdressing; others have a hard time dealing with it. Issues such as financial concerns, job security, whether to tell the children, involvement in gender activities are all concerns that are frequently mentioned and discussed.

Likewise significant others of transsexuals differ widely. Some are very supportive of their husbands' desire to change; others cannot deal with it at all and leave. Many are in the middle, desperately in need of support and guidance. These ladies in particular, in such a fragile situation, certainly do not need the added burden of being shunned by those wives who do not face the same issues they do.

There is probably an element of fear in play here. Those wives new to crossdressing are particularly vulnerable. Since they themselves have little understanding yet of what is going on with their husbands, when they meet other wives whose husbands are not only crossdressing, but are also considering going "full time" they panic and jump ship, so to speak - never to return to the support group.

So perhaps some significant other support groups in trying to prevent their members from leaving have decided to "restrict" their membership to wives of transvestites only.

There has to be a better way! We, significant others, need to support each other, even with our differences. We need to recognize the concerns that wives of transsexuals have and help them find knowledgeable helping professionals and alternate family groups. Instead of turning these wives away, perhaps help them to form a support group within a support group. Find some way of allowing wives with specific issues to network with each other whether they be wives of transvestites or wives of transsexuals. Wives of transsexuals are well aware that they face different issues than wives of transvestites, but they still want and need support of all the wives. It is cruel to deny them these friendships.

(This article recently appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.)

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