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The Vampire's Lair




Boots, Boobs, and Hip Tips

Shake Your Booty

Boot season is upon us and there are several different styles of boots to choose from. Low-cut boots usually stop right below your ankle. These boots can be worn with almost any type of outfit. You can wear them with jeans, pants, skirts, or dresses.

Ankle-high boots look best with pants and jeans. Most ankle-boots can be worn with skirts but some won't look right with a skirt. Try to avoid wearing ankle-high boots with dresses unless you want to make your outfit look less dressy.

Mid-calf boots look best if worn with jeans or pants. Do not wear these with a skirt or dress because it will look silly.

Thigh-high boots look best with skirts or dresses. You could also wear them with pants or jeans, but why wear a funky shoe if you can't show it off?

Platform Warning

Last year, podiatrists proclaimed that high heels (stilettos) are dangerous to the feet. The same doctors now state that platform shoes can cause ankle injuries, lower back pains, and muscle spasms. They say that some platform shoes are so high that people can fall off of them. What?! Platforms are the sturdiest kinds of shoes out there! Listen, kids, you should learn to walk in any pair of shoes before you wear them out in public.

High Heel Training

This is not as kinky as it sounds. If you would rather look like a sophisticated lady walking in high heels than an awkward man trying to walk in the same said shoes, then you need some high heel training! I know that many of you would like to prepare for the upcoming Halloween season, so here's my crash course on the subject:

1. Every day for the first week, stand and balance yourself on your heels in front of a full-length mirror. Hold your hands by your side, feet together. Do an about-face, walk about ten feet away from the mirror, do an about-face again, and slowly walk toward the mirror, swaying your hips gently side by side as your walk toward the mirror. Think about how sophisticated women walk. That is how I want you to walk. Practice this 50 times each day.

2. Every day for the second week, perform 50 calf raises with 20 pound dumbbells in each hand. Hold the dumbbells by your sides, feet about one foot apart. Rest and do 50 more. Practice the walking exercise in step 1 immediately after the calf raises. It may be helpful to massage any soreness in your calves or thighs during your rest period.

3. Every day the third week, perform 50 calf raises with 20 pound dumbbells in each hand. Hold the dumbbells by your sides, feet together. Rest and do 50 more, feet about a foot apart. Rest again and do 50 more, feet together. Practice the walking exercise in step 1 immediately after the calf raises, but this time carry 20 pound dumbbells in each hand while walking. Maintain poise and balance at all times. Study your reflection in the mirror and correct any flaws. Practice walking to and from the mirror 50 times while carrying the weights. Rest. Practice walking to and from the mirror 50 times without the weights.

4. If you have any training days beyond the third week, continue to perform the three sets of 50 calf raises as mentioned in step 3. Practice walking with and without dumbbells for four sets of 50.

Soreness is a good thing, especially during the initial training weeks. The soreness should subside after the first or second week depending upon your present athletic condition. As with any training regimen, consult a physician before starting one. Refer to this type of training as moderate to high intensity strength conditioning exercise. After three weeks, your calves and thighs should be noticeably more firm and shapely. You'll be walking around in your favorite high heels and platforms like a champ!

Breast Friend

A Cleveland boy who bought his wannabe actress girlfriend breast implants with his mother's credit card made headlines recently. Michelle Pauly had her breasts increased from a size B to a size D as a present from her boyfriend, Michael. Ms. Pauly intended to use her newfound image to help launch her acting career by garnering the attention of Hollywood movie producers. Michael served time in jail for illegally using and charging over $3,000 to his mother's credit card.

"I felt violated," Michael's mother stated. "So I called the police on my son."

"We were all set to pay it off $100 at a time," Michelle proclaimed, defending her boyfriend's actions, "and then she [Michael's mother] ruined the plan."

Oy, these kids honestly don't get it!

I couldn't sympathize with anyone in this case. If you saw Michelle, you wouldn't see a potential actress. You'd see a potential porn star. She's kind of ditzy. Her Pamela Lee-like looks get her noticed until she turns sideways, that is. She has a really ugly nose. If I were her, I would have gotten that fixed before getting a boob job. Michael is a hen-pecked loser. Michael's mother should learn to hide her credit cards from her hen-pecked loser son. And Michelle and Michael's plans on paying off the credit card would take over three years to do.

While Michael sits in jail for his grand theft crime, Michelle is still trying to get her acting career going. She recently landed a part in a movie in her local hometown (in the middle of nowhere).

Hip Tip

If you want to project an ultimate feminine bodyshape, you must ensure that your hips are rounded and feminine-looking. Lower torso padding will help you achieve this goal. There are a number of padded undergarments that you can experiment with, but I prefer making my own out of foam cushion, the kind you use inside shipping cartons. A $20 electric carving knife and another $20 in foam can save you many dollars off the price of a garment purchased in a department store or a boutique. With some skill, you can even tailor the padding to match your own and your desired proportions exactly. A word of caution, though: Hip padding looks best underneath clothes that can hide the padding.

Kalina's TV Tips

Some department store makeup counters would be more than happy to provide their would-be customers with free makeovers to sell their products, especially around Halloween time. As a good gesture, make sure you buy something from the person who did your makeover.

After applying mascara, separate your eyelashes with a lash comb and then dust them with black eyeliner powder to prevent them from sticking to one another.

An interesting cosmetic technique for this fall is lining your lower eyelid with a shimmery white or pearl eyeliner. This technique opens up the eyes a little more, but you need to be careful not to make the lines too thick, otherwise you'll look like an alien.

There is a big difference in quality with something as simple as nail polish. While shopping for a black polish for Halloween, I found a generic brand in an unlabelled bottle in the shape of a skull as well as a shade called Shameless Noir by Orly. I bought both, $1.99 for the skull bottle and $3.99 for the Orly. I tested both as soon as I got home.

As with any really dark polish, you will need to apply at least three coats for maximum effect. The Orly glided on smooth and left no clumps. The result was a smooth and professional-looking finish. The skull polish, on the other hand, left streaks, was very clumpy, and left my nail looking like it was painted by a five year old. The Orly polish was twice the price of the generic brand, but like any product, you get what you pay for.

Did you get acrylic nails done professionally and now you're trying to remove them? If the nails are really thick, you should start by filing them thinner. Use a coarse file designed to be used on acrylic nails. Trim your nails back to their natural length by clipping off the artificial nail tip. Also clip away anything loose or lifted. Working on one nail at a time, soak the nail in a jar of acrylic nail remover for two minutes. Remove the nail from the jar and file or scrape away the softened acrylic. There will be white slimy stuff on the surface of the nail.

Place the fingernail back into the jar and soak for another two minutes. Continue to soak and scrape as needed. As the acrylic gets thin, stop using the file on the nail (you don't want to file on the surface of your natural nail) and just use the bristles on the inside of the jar. This process of soaking and scraping usually takes between 10 to 20 minutes per nail to remove the acrylic.

Once the artificial nails are removed, be sure to wash your hands with soap and water to remove any residue. Protect your nails with a good hardener or strengthener to rehydrate the nail and apply a good lotion or cream to your cuticle area because the removal process can be drying on your nails.

For those of you who wear lots of makeup during your outings, you owe it to yourself to use Biore cleansing strips to clean your pores. Their nose strips have gained a notoriety in some circles as "the next great invention." For those of you who are wondering about the Ponds strips, they are an inferior product to the Biore strips. The application procedure for the Ponds strips is a messy, sticky affair. Stick with Biore. It's worth the extra couple of bucks. Ponds does make a kickin' cold cream, though.

Kalina's Cool Colors of the Month

Cover Girl Bold and Burgundy, Plum Fairy; Lancome Plum; L'Oreal Garneta; Maybelline Burgundy; Orly Shameless Noir and Plum Luscious; Prescriptives Hocus; Victoria's Secret Wild Child; Zhen Sangria.


Did you enjoy this column? If so, you may wish to visit Kalina's Web site, which is chock full of fun and great info!

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