%expand(%include(D:\http/ads/ads0.html))
Got something on your mind? Would you like to talk it over with Rachael?
Drop a line to Rachael and she'll help you as much as she can.
Dear Rachael:
I am a 38-year-old male CD, and I have been for as long as I can remember. I
am one of those individuals that worked for years trying to suppress
these desires and feelings. I am married (currently separated) with three
children. The older I get, the harder it is to suppress the desire to finish
the change. This is the first time I have actually used my femme persona
anywhere outside of my mind, and I would like to pursue this to the end. I
feel that I am finally nearing a time of my life that I don't have a constant
battle raging within myself.
In response to your post in 'Friends' I believe that I would fall into the
Lesbian category. The thought of being (or being with) a man, quite frankly,
turns my stomach. I attribute this to some traumatic experiences I had in my
youth. I hope this isn't too long, and I hope it helps. Thanks for having a
listening ear. Deena
Dear Deena:
Hi Deena . . . yes, I can identify with your thoughts . . . I too did the
marriage and kids thing . . . the longest marriage lasted 22 years. The fact
is, that the longer it went on . . . the older I got, the more I desired to
be a woman. I was going crazy and knew it. Now, a year from retirement, I
live much of my life as I choose and feel so much more at peace with my body
than before. There are prices to pay, though. See my Dear Rachael Column in the
TGForum Library section for those who are dealing with this. Love Rachael
Dear Rachael (Deena two):
That's amazing! All this time I've thought that I was alone, and felt very
secluded. I will take your advice and look through your column. I know
there are prices to pay, and I have already begun paying the price, but I
won't go into all that (having been there, I'm sure you know what I mean.) It
just feels better getting this out into the open. Thanks for the kind ear
and keep in touch. Love Deena.
Dear Rachael (Deena three):
I took your advice and went to the 'Dear Rachael Column' in the library
section. It was so great to hear about other peoples' experiences. I have
even contacted a TG group in my area and have an appointment to start seeing
a gender counselor. At this point I thought it would be interesting reading
for others to hear my story. (If it is too long, feel free to edit it down)
I started cross-dressing at a very early age (around 7 or 8), and sometimes I
would play "house" with my sister who thought it was fun 'dressing me up'.
At the age of twelve, things got really interesting (and tragic). My parents
(I was wearing a complete ensemble) caught me. They were so upset that they
took me to see a 'shrink'. His idea was to make me wear ladies underwear and
give me electrical shocks on my arms and legs. This was supposed to make me
stop wanting to wearing these clothes. After this he made me watch skin
flicks with supposed 'normal' sexual activity between men and women. This
was supposed to make me realize what was normal.
I did want to make my parents happy so I really tried to suppress my
desires, and it worked for a little while; but, since I seemed to have some
feminine attitudes and expressions (I assume this is the reason) I became the
unwilling target of my Junior High School Chorus Teacher. Over about a
six-month period he made great reasons (excuses) to get me alone during and
after school. I was molested several times by him. He was eventually caught
molesting someone else, but I never came forward as one of the people that he
molested. I feared that somehow it was my fault and I was also afraid that
if I came forward it would be discovered about my female tendencies and
desires.
The summer before I started High School my parents could tell that I had
become somewhat despondent and depressed. They felt that if I could attend a
summer camp I would improve. I told them I didn't really want to camp so
they sent me to an educational forum at a local university. This was OK, but
since I was alone, I got put in the dormitory with another person. He was a
senior at the high school I attended (I was going to be a freshman). I
discovered during the two weeks there that he was gay. It really didn't
bother me since he made no heavy moves towards me. We became pretty good
friends during that two-week period. After the forum I was over at his house
one weekend while his parents weren't around. He brought some of his gay
friends over and they started to get pretty physical with each other. Since I
wasn't interested I decided to leave. That is when my friend raped me.
Since I was heavily threatened if I told anyone, I never did (until now.)
Over the next several years I really tried to act masculine. Even though I
still cross-dressed I never admitted to anyone, especially myself that these
desires to be a woman would always be there. All through my life I would
tell myself things like "OK, I'll stop feeling like a woman on my next
birthday", etc. I didn't stop!
I got married at the age of twenty and now have three great kids after
being married for eighteen years. My wife has caught me cross-dressing
several times during our marriage and I have tried talking to her about
this. Her solution is simple: "Just stop doing this and the desire will go
away!" Well, the first couple of times it almost worked. I actually went
four years without wearing any ladies underwear, but the desire was always
there and over the last several years I have figured out that I either do
this or I will go crazy. I had visions of becoming so crazy that I would
become a serial killer and kill women because they had what I couldn't have.
(DON'T WORRY, I COULD NEVER DO THIS!!!!!)
I have very recently discovered that I can have it anyway, and am taking
steps in this direction. My wife's inability to accept this has forced our
separation. We still live in the same house, but we don't talk, we don't
have sex, and basically we live our own separate lives. She says that she
doesn't want a divorce simply for the children's sake. She knows I have
female tendencies, but she will never acknowledge this, or discuss it. I
know that when I take this to the next step, we will be divorced, but I've
got to do this now.
I think that I can finally start to get over some the trauma that I have
living with now that I have found some outlet and I've never felt better by
making the decision to pursue my feminine side. Rachael, this is the first
time I have told these things to ANY one. I am thirty-eight years old and
have been carrying this stuff around for a long - long time. It's about time
I can finally do something about this.
I love what you have done for me, and I will never forget the freedom you
have given me. Thanks. Love Deena.
Dear Deena:
I kinda want to blush! I know how you feel and you have far more sisters out
there than you can imagine. I really can't take credit for you finding your
freedom. With or without me, it was there for you, just around the corner.
Just now, you have gotten to that corner and peeked . . . and what a
wonderful view! If you are in therapy, good; if not, you may benefit from
it. Your "rape" experience may have left you with some undeserved guilt
feelings. I am glad things are working out for you.
Dear Rachael:
Please help me. I am Transgendered Transsexual or...girl age 35. At 33
years old I have found (finally) my sexual identity. I have decided that I
would like be a woman. But, I have a problem. I would like be a woman with my
penis... I don't like have SRS.
Please help me. Let me know if it is possible to be a woman with breasts and
penis.
Am I Transsexual Transgendered or what? Are there more girls like me...and
how can I make contact with them.
NicKole
Dear NicKole:
Contrary to what you have said, you most definitely have NOT FOUND YOUR
SEXUAL IDENTY. You are very confused about whom you are. You cannot be a
man with penis and boobs any more than you can be a woman with penis and
breasts. In fact, you will not find a legitimate doctor who will prescribe
hormones for you if you share your current thoughts. It does not work that
way. You can live transgendered full time or part time, but is that what you
want to do? You need help in sorting this all out. Run, don't walk to the
nearest gender counselor for help! Best of luck. Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I'm not criticizing your response to that person who's afraid of a
Mother's rejection, but I feel a need to share something about what
happened with me. First off, I'm now 55, MtF, not in any gender program, so
no hormones, no surgery, yet living and working full time within the female
gender; no boyfriends either.
The first time I TRIED to come out was in 1983, but I was so afraid of
negative reactions, and I got plenty including a lot from my mother that I
retreated from taking care of myself. This time, especially with the help of
AA and its program of honesty, I began to see that I'd spent my entire life
dancing to everyone else's tune instead of my own. Yes, there are a lot of
negative reactions but I've also gained a lot of respect and assistance from
biological women around me. Especially from my mother! For the first time in
my entire life, she accepts me! The first month or so she did her best to
ignore me. But I think that she finally figured out that I really had to be
me in order to exist.
When I first decided back in April to come clean with myself, I drew up all
kinds of letters to explain myself to all my friends and acquaintances. In
the end, I threw them all away because I could see that I was only confusing
the issues, particularly for myself. As many of my biological female friends
say to me often, "what have you got to be afraid of? Fear? You're an adult!
It's time you start living like one." Many thanks for letting me share this,
Laura
Dear Laura:
Thank you for sharing. We all can learn from one another's personal
experiences. Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I'm not sure what is going on in my life? That's me.
I can remember CDing since I was 12. I always do some form of it when I
have enough time alone. Lately, it seems to have accelerated, and although I
enjoy it, it kind of scares me. Maybe I need a psych. Recently, I got a wig.
That's what set things off. Now I'm growing and shaping my nails, looking at
makeup, talking to other girls on chat each day, and wondering what's going
to happen next. I have a terrible fear of discovery, and keep thinking about
how to begin to reveal this to my wife. My biggest problem is not whether my
feminine self is right (it is!), but how to fit it into the rest of my life.
Can you help? Should I see a prof? Lorri
Dear Lorri:
Last things first, you can most definitely benefit from professional help...counseling.
It would be far superior to have a gender counselor or
psychiatrist. It's not that you are crazy; it's just that you feel that you
may be. What will the shrink do for you? Cure you? Well not as you may
think as you read this, but yes, in the non-traditional sense. You will
become accepting of who you really are (whatever that may be . . . TV/TS/TG,
etc.). Once you become comfortable with yourself, you can better deal with
all those folks out there that may not be. Your foundation is set and will
support you.
Sounds easy, yes? Well, I wish it were. It'll take time and don't hurry.
There is a lot of stuff you will have to deal with at home, with family and
job! Go slowly for your self and loved ones. Most of those you love now
will probably love you later. The exception, may be your wife. You may be
challenging her femininity and she may feel that she has failed as a woman or
you as a man.
Wife and husband adjustments pro or con are a mixed bag here. There is no
magic formula, love potion that guarantees success. One guarantee of failure
is not taking her feelings and fears into account. So don't show up in a
gown and expect her to say, "yes, yes!" what I have always wanted was a
Lesbian relationship with you. It's probably not in the cards. Tho- I have
known some women who loved it! Do you believe in winning the State lottery?
Same odds!
Discovery? I have a very responsible position open to continual public
scrutiny. From day one, I planned what I would say, if discovered. I was
also very open in the Gender Community and knew it was just a matter of time.
It took ten years before I was discovered at work. My loved ones had long
since known.
Did it make a difference at work? Yes and no. When queried by my boss, I
came out without shame, without lying (fatal) and with my chin held high. The
response was completely supportive and I admired that. But then my employer
had a supportive policy of acceptance in this regard. For a couple of months
all seemed same, same. I imagined some funny looks, but most of my
co-workers (whom like me) showed no changes at all. But then, very subtly, I
felt that I had fallen out of favor- I am not alone in this regard. On the
surface, it's the same except for little things. I may be reading more into
this than need be, but I am pretty perceptive.
So why am I boring you with all this? It is an experience and I feel
lucky, for some have faired quite well and others have failed miserably. Do
not assume that because your job site accepts your "coming out" out, you will
survive. You may not be fired, but downsized out, etc.. Hey, it happens.
So the point in all of this is that YOU have to be strong, very strong,
prepared and have a plan. Do not eliminate a civil suit if this goes astray!
To reiterate, have a plan and make friends with an attorney!
So why, the hell bother?????? The joy in being you is a HIGH that will
you will never forget, nor lose, once out! Best of luck! Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I hardly know where to begin, but I'll try. It all began about two months
ago, when I accidentally stumbled upon the subject of Transsexualism. First,
let me give you a synopsis of my background. I'm a contract aerospace
mechanical engineer, and I do a lot of sensitive work for the government.
Because of my job, I have to be very careful. Because I travel extensively
throughout the world, I have a need to check out available dwelling places on
the Internet, so I'm able to make a smooth moving transition. How I came
across transsexualism as a community, I haven't a clue. Although you would
think so, since I have a very good working knowledge of the computer. (A
complex designing computer, and not a Internet) In any event, there I was. I
looked at some of these individuals who looked like women, in every sense of
the word. This aroused my curiosity, because I have always enjoyed the feel
of women's undergarments. I have never been with the opposite sex, because I
am straight, and don't have any desire to be of the gay community. I have
since learned much about the transsexual world. I have always believed that a
transsexual is not necessarily gay. To make a long story short, I came across
an individual who just blew me away. I'm not making light of this. I mean,
she took my heart like a hurricane. I've not been right since. I can't sleep
nights, I can't concentrate on anything it seems. Needless to say, this
frustrates me deeply, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe you're not
the person I need to talk to, but you might just be a Dear Abby kind of a
person. Please don't take this as an insult, I mean well, and make no
judgments.
To interject for a moment . . . Having never been with a male, and I think
this individual has not made the complete transition,(at least I think I
know) this person is extremely passable. However, this doesn't make any
difference to me, because I believe her to be a woman through and through. So
what is my point?
My point is this. I wanted so much to be in touch with her, and like an
idiot and a bumbling fool, I wrote two e-mails that were idiotic in nature. I
wasn't explicit, or anything like that, because I consider myself to be a
refined gentleman. What I basically said was a bunch of things that were
stupid, implying me to be an arrogant, pompous, Mr. know it all kind of
person. I was to excited, and I wanted to be in touch with her in the worst
way imaginable, and I blew it. If I had to do it over again, I would have
used a much softer approach. I say this because later I found her Bio, and
read her likes and dislikes. She is a sensitive, caring warm person, and
after reading her bio, I knew I scared her off, or turned her off in one way
or another.
I have since written her an e-mail every other day using a very soft
approach. I have given her information about myself, and have repeatedly
asked her to let me know if she were interested or not. Also, I have asked
her to let me know if she doesn't want to be bothered, and to simply say the
word, no. Although I did make a comment that if she were to say, no, that
this would devastate me to no end.
Rachael, my question is this. You have been involved with people who
perhaps think and reason as you do, what can I do? She has not responded to
any of my e-mails. Is it possible for her to simply delete my incoming
e-mails without ever reading them? It's driving me insane not knowing what
she is thinking, or doing, concerning my e-mails with her. I remain, Curious
Dear Curious:
You would be many Transgendered and Transsexual's dream person. A man that
would love them as a woman, knowing who they really are is rare indeed. The
point here though is, this person is not one of the people who wants your
attention. To continue on at this point would be cruel and most likely scare
her to death. In fact, she could make a complaint to the local police
department that you are stalking her if you continue. My advice? Seek
another who might relish the attention. Rachael
|