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Roberta


Memoirs of a Transgendered Lady

Transgendered Men,
Transgendered Women


By Roberta Angela Dee



The memories of a crossdresser, or those of a transgendered or transsexual woman, are certainly different from those of most little boys. Our memories tend to be more similar to the memories of little girls. Similarly, I must imagine that the memories of transgendered women are more like those of little boys.

I can remember strolling into a Woolworth's store on Long Island. I was 9 years old and was already shopping for a bra and falsies. The sales women were of course curious. "What would attract such a young boy to the ladies department?" I'm certain they asked themselves.

Most of my female attire had been acquired by stealing clothes from my neighbor's clothes lines. It was 1958, and clothes dryers weren't nearly as popular, or as common, as they are today. Most women hung their clothes out to dry, and often let them hang overnight.

While walking to school, I would take mental notes of who had hung out suitable clothes. Later that evening, I would sneak out through my bedroom window, sneak into the backyards of several neighbors, and remove the clothes I thought would fit.

I perceived these clothes as being "used," liked hand-me-downs. So, inevitably, I eventually wanted "new" things, my own things.

Boys my age were buying toy guns, air pistols, basketballs and airplanes made of Balsa wood. These things were of no, or little interest to me. I preferred shopping for a new panty, stockings, anklets, a bra or a new dress. I, after all, was at heart a girl, and my interests were naturally feminine.

I also shopped for cosmetics. My complexion was flawless, but like most women I sought something beyond perfection. "One could never be too pretty," I thought to myself. There are feminists, and others, who in order to satisfy their own political, religious or social agendas insist that my behavior was nothing more than the result of my environment or the society around me. This theory has no basis in truth whatsoever. No one in my family encouraged me to be feminine. There was nothing in my culture, nor my environment, to encourage girlish behavior. Yet, I had felt the desire to be a girl since the age of 4 years.

Others argue that my behavior was the result of there being no male role model, or being in the presence of an overly dominant female parent. Still, these theories do not apply. I had a very masculine father and grandfather, as well as several very masculine uncles to serve as role models. And my mother was no different than most mothers and wives raising a family.

Neither society, nor family had anything to do with my wanting to be a girl. I wanted to be a girl because it felt correct, and because it felt natural. Theories about "social constructs" are nothing more than "rhetorical constructs" generated to satisfy or support a popular myth.

There are those who probably believe that there are "social constructs" that encourage a young girl to want to be a boy. Again, I cannot help but believe that this is utter nonsense. And I encourage transgendered women to voice their opinion through the TG Forum, whether it is to agree with me or not.

I imagine therefore that transgendered women sought to buy or make use of male undergarments and to participate in the activities generally thought to be boyish. Of course, in our society, it is far easier for a young girl to be accept as a tomboy than it is for a young male to be accepted as a sissy. In fact, there is no such phrase as a "tomgirl." It is never considered acceptable for a male child to be effeminate, although it is acceptable for a female child to be somewhat masculine or boyish. At best, this seems very unfair, especially for the male child who is predisposed to being feminine.

I've found that lesbians, particularly those who identify as either butch or femme, are far more tolerant of variations in gender than the society as a whole. Some butch lesbians identify as male while others identify as female but butch... butch being a gender unto itself. And then there are variations even within the variations I have mentioned here.

It seems cruel to force children into culturally accepted gender roles. Rather than change children, we need to develop a culture that is better able to tolerate variations in gender. Every boy does not want to grow up to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, nor does every girl want to grow up to be like Tyra Banks. We must, as a society, come to understand that some boys will want to be more like Tyra as they mature, and that some girl will want to be more like Arnold.

No one should be ashamed to be transgendered or transsexual. No one should be ashamed to crossdress, simply because they have the desire to feel more feminine or more masculine. Democracy is based on rule by the majority, but we cannot ignore that the majority can be wrong, unjust and unfair.

Since logging onto the Internet, I've discovered that there are many people who feel just as I do about a lot of issues. I've discovered transsexual women who do not want to undergo sex reassignment surgery but who feel no less womanly and no less transsexual. I've also discovered that there are many people who do not define themselves as male or female, but who have invented alternative means of categorizing the way they feel along gender lines.

Unfortunately, the medical profession is still about 50 years behind the imagination of the general public. However, I have no intentions of waiting for someone with a Ph.D. to verify or substantiate what I already know to be true. After all, scientists still can't decide whether caffeine influences breast cancer, or whether beta carotene is a preventative. So much of the social sciences has proven to be anything more than speculation or an adaptation of prevailing social philosophy.

A perfect example is the idea of a feminist psychologist who must perceive all behavior in feminist terms, whether or not the perception is accurate.

My memories have led me to a place that science has not yet discovered. I became a woman long before science could even accept the idea that it was not abnormal to be gay. I refuse to die waiting for science to acknowledge who I am.

The End

With a Loving Heart,

Roberta Angela Dee



This article may be printed and freely distributed as a resource for information surrounding gender issues. Comments may be addressed directly to the author via electronic mail at Dianic007@aol.com.

© 1998, Roberta Angela Dee

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