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The Woman I Am, The Body I Desire

By Toni Alexandra Evola

No, I do not hate my body. To hate my body would be to hate myself. I honor my God, my father, my mother, my Sisters, my community, and myself. I am not disgusted or offended by my body, but it is not as I would like it to be. I desire the life, love, aura, essence, presence, appearance, attitude, rights, and yes, the body of a woman. I consider myself a woman. I live as a woman. I literally have estrogen pumping through my veins, but I am not complete. I am more than just a woman, I am a Lesbian. I am a woman who loves women. True, I always have. But this is not a love born of only physical attraction, but of affection, admiration, and the will to be a woman—whole.

I understand that I may never have an orgasm again. I am aware of the risks associated with the final, surgical procedure. But, I would not be denied. I am resolute and determined. I don't want to sit for hours in pantyhose and a skirt in extreme discomfort because there is a member between my legs that shouldn't be present. I don't want to go to the beach in a bikini and suffer the humiliation of a certain, and odd lump where it should not be. I don't want to go home with a new Lesbian lover and be ashamed to disrobe and have her find the single most unattractive genital on the planet, to a feminist. I don't want to stand and urinate. I want to be a woman, complete, whole, and alive. I long for a body that reflects the woman I know myself to be.

I don't hate men, but I don't want to be one, or be with one. I don't want unsightly body hair on my chest, in my armpits, covering my face, lining my legs and back. This is not attractive. This is not the woman I am. This is not me. The "Glass Ceiling" does not intimidate me. Men do not intimidate me. I am a strong, educated, and empowered woman. I have skills, abilities, and dreams. I will stand and deliver. I will not be put down, harassed, slighted, silenced, or beaten back. I will excel. I will contribute to and defend my community, and my Sisters. I will survive.

I am not a bitch. I am not a saint. I am not a whore. I am just a woman. This is not a desperate plea. This is not a request. This is not the dog begging for scraps at the table. This is not a joke. This is my life. I deserve it. I have suffered and earned the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of womanhood. I want to be complete. I deserve to be whole. I deserve a chance to be happy. I deserve the right to live life on my own terms. I deserve freedom of choice. I deserve to be the woman I am—and have the body I desire.

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