No More Hiding In My Room
By Livia
I had reached a time in my life when I was getting tired of dressing
up in a room only to look in the mirror. I needed something more. I
wanted to go out dressed to see what it would be like, but I couldn't
bring myself to take the risk. If something happened and I got
caught, it would ruin my life and probably my family's too. I had
seen the Sigma Epsilon home page, so I knew there were others near.
The final straw was Halloween when I got all ready to go out for a
drive, but was too afraid of getting caught to go. I was so
disappointed with myself but resolved that night to contact Sig Ep
because they would have a safe environment for me.
Contacting Sig Ep was one of the scariest things I have ever done but
also one of the best things I have ever done. It is very hard to
let out something that has been your deepest secret all your
life. But I found out all of these other crossdressers knew exactly
what I was feeling because they have all been through the same
feelings. And they are much more caring and genuine friends than most
friends you'll ever know. They were exactly what I needed.
I had first sent Kerri an email, but got so anxious when the reply
didn't arrive in a few hours (it seems she has to work for a living
too) that I left a message on the hotline too. Then I got Kerri's
reply just before Cheryl returned the hotline call. Both were a
wonderful help even though I was scared to death. I went ahead and
told them I would come to the meeting which was a few days away
because I was afraid I would back out if I didn't commit myself. That
committment was a great move on my part because without it I would
have chickened out at several junctures.
I arrived at the motel on Friday and called the Sig Ep room for
Kerri, who was going to come get me from my room. Although I knew I
didn't have to dress for Sig Ep, I did because that's one of the
reasons I came for. Kerri had been delayed but Lauren, who answered
the phone, was a wonderful help. She offered to come get me, but I
lucked out with a room so close that I zipped to the Sig Ep room by
myself. I was totally terrified going into that room and for the
first few minutes in the room. Everyone seemed so relaxed but me that
I had thoughts in those first few seconds of running out and never
coming back. Fortunately, my committment lasted for at least a few
seconds and by that time Lauren had starting reassuring me and
literally saved me from my own fear. From that point on, it was all
wonderful. That first weekend was the most exhilerating, most
fulfilling, most fantastic time I can remember in my life. Once
released, the burden of my lifelong secret took such a weight off me
that I was walking on clouds. No one pushed me to do anything I
didn't choose to do that weekend. But I amazed myself at some of the
brazen things I did dressed before the weekend was over. All those
pent up needs for so many years just literally came out with a
big rush.
I cannot begin to thank everyone who so generously helped me that
weekend. Everything happened so fast and absolutely everyone was
fantastic to me. I will be forever indebted but, as someone said, the
best way to repay that debt is to help other first-timers. Perhaps
someone who is reading this on the internet and is at the stage where
a little something more is needed in their life...
The Sig Ep homepage is at http://pages.prodigy.com/kerricd/sigep.htm
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