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Class and Dignity vs. Tasteless and Tacky
By Linda Kaye
Vanessa and I have a web page for transgendered persons and their
partners. It has become a real labor of love, especially on the part of
Vanessa, who keeps it up-to-date. Recently, Vanessa found other sites
that had a "guestbook," where folks could leave a message on the site,
and she was able to put one on our pages. It
became apparent rather quickly that there is an element out in
Cyberspace who are not very nice people. We
have had both transgendered and non-transgendered people leave really
nasty, tasteless and even
pornographic messages on the guestbook, and Vanessa has to keep deleting
these. We also received a variety of such messages via e-mail. For whatever
reason, some people find such behavior amusing and/or erotic, but to us, it
is plain tacky and tasteless. It has no place in our lives nor on our website.
When I first went on-line, back in 1992, it was solely for e-mail
purposes. I was involved in getting
the first SPICE together, and e-mail was the easiest way to keep in
touch with others involved. Once the
conference was over, and information about it's success began to reach
other parts of the gender community,
the positive responses to the news were many. However, I also began
receiving a variety of pornographic
e-mails and letters to the SPICE address - one sticks out in my mind - a
crudely worded missive from someone who said he was transgendered, and who
wrote graphically how I "could put some spice in his life." Although I am no
prude, such a letter was a bit of a shock. I realize that this (and the
others) were sent for shock purposes but I found it had no place in my life
and that it was potentially destructive to the good work being done in the
gender community.
Likewise, we went through a period of time when there were endless
exploitive talk-shows, many
touching only on the sexual aspects of being transgendered, and turning
some honestly expressed feelings
into something that sounded perverted, although it was not. Perhaps
even more cruel were the shows which
exploited those who were legitimately trying to make others understand
the diversity of being transgendered.
I recall one local talk show in Chattanooga, who recruited a very
confused crossdresser from my old support
group, and put this person on a show with a fundamental Christian
preacher. The poor CD never had a
chance against this preacher, who railed him with comments about sin,
spiritual destruction and moral decay.
This was exploitism at its worse, and it devastated this CD and his
wife.
No doubt there are those reading this article who say I am against
freedom of speech. This is not
the case, for it is perhaps the greatest of our freedoms. However, I
also state that unsolicited sexual
invitations and comments constitute an invasion of my privacy. "Ah, but you
have placed yourself in a public forum by putting yourself on an open website
and visibility within the gender community," I can hear critics say. That is
true, but it isn't a free invitation for comments that are offensive.
"Anyone has the freedom to say what they wish to say," may also be said.
That may be true, but who gives them the right to say it to me or to Vanessa
or anyone else, without invitation?
You've got to have a sense of humor in all of this, or else you can get
pretty upset with what is sent you. Some suggestions we get are anatomically
impossible, and we laugh, despite the crudity. I remember one unsolicited
e-mail Vanessa received from someone in Italy, who wanted to know what kind
of panties Vanessa wore. Vanessa was offended but I pointed out how really
silly this request was and we still laugh about it.
Offensiveness sometimes comes along without sexual innuendoes - one of
the worst e-mails I have
been sent was a selection of jokes about someone well known who had died only
12 hours before. The person sending them thought they were funny and never
gave it a thought that people might grieve the loss of someone who had
radically changed the lives of so many, including mine. These jokes really
hurt, for they were an invasion into my private grief. They were far more
hurtful and invasive than any of the sexually crude letters we receive.
There is obviously a fine line between freedom of speech and invasion
of privacy, and the debate
will go on as long as freedom and this country exist. Whereas I can't
deny someone the right to say
something unpleasant and hurtful, I can object to it loudly by saying
how offensive it is to me. Others may
not be able to react as I do, and may find such commentary personally
hurtful. And it can be truly
destructive, especially to someone who is dealing with painful issues in
their lives. People tentatively reaching out for help can be destroyed by
such unsolicited hate - because that is what such comments are - a type of
hate, intended to destroy, as all hate does. Our only defense, at this
point, is to either ignore it, or else speak out loudly against such
invasion. It is a defense which must cross lines of freedom but one which
must be spoken loudly enough to be heard. We cannot tolerate offensive or
crude behavior in our community, if we want respect.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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