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The Relationship
By Dr. Alycia Ellison
Part 1 | Part 2
Let us explore the beginning of the relationship.
It begins as usual, Joe meets Joan over dinner, or a show or a party.
They enjoy each other's company. Is she for real or is he out for a good time. After the
wine and dinner, does he expect me to go to bed with him, she muses? As for
me what am I looking for, relief from loneliness, someone to take care of me,
a good time or an honest relationship? With these thoughts in mind, we go
out on dates, stumbling from event to event, single club or bar, crisis to
crisis, ever searching for the right individual, without stopping to reflect
on what is going on inside of us. We allow outside influences to direct us -
parents, friends and counselors - rather than what is in our hearts. There
is so much we each need to learn, and so many variables and we are inundated
from sources all around us. Each with their own opinions, doctrines,
beliefs. It is incredibly difficult to filter through the dogma we hear
constantly, and we don't know the right questions to ask to find the true
answers.
"I Have Something To Tell You"
She meets a terrific person, and again the question is he
right for me? The relationship blossoms and she continues to see
him, her mask of respectability glued on tightly for fear that once again
this will be a cropper. As the months go on, hope turns into pleasant
reality.
Then, one blissful night as they lingers over a candlelight dinner,
he says, "I have something to tell you."
"What is that, Joe," she asks anxiously.
"I am a crossdresser", he mumbles nervously, "you know a guy who
likes to wear women's clothes."
Suddenly what began as a beautiful and romantic evening turns into feelings of anquish, shame and guilt which flood
the atmosphere. She blushes and tries to hold back her tears resisting the
urge to run and get away from it all. Why me? She murmurs. Shock and
disbelief has taken over the otherwise perfect evening. She strugggles to
regain her composure. In her mind she can see only two
options, one is to immediately get up, hail a cab and leave or stay and
listen to what he has to say before committing herself further.
She decides to take her fear in stride for she appreciates his openness and candor as
well as his warmth and charm. As she continues to listen, she becomes
suddenly aware that no two people are the same and beneath the smiling facade
far different emotions run below the surface and are expressed in many
different ways.
This situation is also similar to those in which a wife, fiance or a committed girlfriend
finds out that their beloved is a crossdresser, not always by self disclosure
but through supposedly innocuous incidents, such as finding her lingerie
drawer messed up, an article missing, or finding a pair of panties in his
underwear drawer.
Doubt sets in as she may believe, at first, she has
somehow failed her partner and that, in some way, she has not not been satisfactory. Many times, wives or girl
friends believe they can "cure" the crossdressing if they somehow just do a better job at being a wife or lover. When the desired change doesn't occur, as it won't, their self-esteem plummets and jealousy of the crossdressed
persona may develop.
At this point, communication is essential and is
necessary in order to preserve the relationship. In fact, as the
crossdresser becomes more adept and more attractive, her feelings of worth
and significance may dwindle even more.
First, because he did not confide in
her and seek her help in obtaining a wardrobe, or he spent money on a
wardrobe without confiding in her and it had been earmarked for something
else. She may begin to rage at her partner, not even understanding why. He,
bewildered and confused by this rage, may begin to withdraw from the
relationship, afraid to make things worse. In this event, he has compounded
the problem, ecause he doesn't understand his own need and his
anguish is transmitted to his mate or girl friend. It therefore becomes
necessary for the crossdresser to reassure his wife or partner that his need
to crossdress is not related to her ability to be a good wife or friend.
Both partners in the relationship need to understand where the need to crossdress
comes from before this issue can be resolved. It also becomes paramount at
this time for the crossdresser to realize how his partner may be affected by
his developing femininity and emulation of her. When wives understand the
crossdressing phenomenon and realize they are not responsible, positively or
negatively for the behavior, they can then start to make crossdressing a
positive force in their relationship.
At this point, some wives have no
problems with their husbands' other persona; in fact, they take his growing
appreciation of their needs as a true compliment and the better "she" looks,
the better the wife may feel. Not all wives, however, understand the
motivations behind their husbands' desire to look attractive and take it is
as a personal affront to their womanliness. In this case, they will either
give lip service to its occurrence or not tolerate it at all, demanding that
he give it up or they will file for divorce. It is for this reason, that the
majority of crossdressers remain quiet on the subject, and the wife, in most
cases, is the last to know, or so he thinks.
Since in the majority of cases, this is not a curable disease and in
the accepted term of a phase does no real harm, except, following rejection
"she" might be driven to divorce or live in guilt and shame attempting to
make her life more fulfilling through abstinence, which in the long run a is
doomed to failure.
The best recourse in this case is honesty, honesty to
'herself', in that he must admit to himself that it is an important part of
himself and is crucial to his survival. The second stage is more difficult
as he must convince his wife or girl friend that there is no alternative but
to accept his femininity and there is no threat to her well-being. However,
the snake in the grass in this alternative is that many crossdressers don't
know where to stop pushing the envelope and facing discouragement from his
wife and/or encouragement from other friends may continue on to being a full
blown trans-sexual.
Based on this concept, Enigma Consultants was borne to educate couples
in crossdressing relationships and to support the effort of forming a
support group with committed couples. The only purpose of such a group
would be to develop friendship with other couples with similar ties and take
the conflict out of a beautiful and loving relationship. (To be Continued)
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