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The Transgender Dilemma
By Dr. Alycia Ellison
In any relationship, giving and receiving love is not only nurturing but without it, one's soul may shrivel and dry up. To achieve this state is not easy and requires full expression of our inner-self. In order to be intimate one must be open. However, in most all transgendered relationships as well as "normal" relationships there is an element of shame, guilt and doubts about oneself. These anxieties are further compounded also, by fear of abandonment, loss and discouragement by the spouse or girlfriend.
Thus, you may ask what is love? Is it related to feelings, romance, or commitment? In fact, it is interrelated in such a manner as to achieve any goal, many steps are needed. Initially, romance turns the head and perhaps the heart. "ere the rose is blooming". We cannot wait for the pleasure of his or her company. But alas, you cannot make yourself feel love, for love has to be internal, in the same way you cannot make another love you.
Other emotions such as hurt, anger, jealousy, resentment or fear, however, may replace the love felt by the threatened partners leading to an emotional desert where love feels dead or absent, thus often resulting in conflict.
In most instances among transgendered couples, conflicts are not handled well. Hurt, anger or resentment may persist for years, often erupting in the dissolution or separation of the dissonant spouse. In many cases blame and guilt seem paramount with each partner who thinks the other partner should change.
Here the crossdresser has a problem, if he emphatically states, unrealistically, that she should accept his behavior and that she is basically the blame for all their problems so she should be more reasonable and change.
Problems can escalate, especially if she changes to some degree and he doesn't, but instead demands more and more. She could become devastated by his reactions. In this manner, she now feels justified in reacting injured and claiming there was no choice but to seek a divorce or separation.
There is no easy way, no automated formula for marriage and human relationship. In fact, if one evaluates the mathematics of the human equation, there are infinitely more chances of error than success. Yet for those who find the key, it is a rewarding struggle and highly positive experience, in fact it is a wonderful journey, to struggle and reap the rewards far richer than any one could ever imagine. A loving relationship is a reliable source of comfort and strength for as you hold your partner in your mind, you again realize his strength as well as his weaknesses as well contrasted to your own. This happiness you have found together is not dependent upon what you have in common but a deep felt oneness that transcends your differences.
Therefore in order for love to flower again, the unpleasant emotion must be attended to so that healing can occur. Initially in the romantic stage, we have the idealization of the love object. In essence, he or she represents your ideal dream affirming all positive aspects and repressing all negative vibes, which will surely emerge sooner or later. As one travels the road of life, especially after marriage, [this term is used in the following context, it is a state of mind or love for a significant partner of long standing and does not necessary mean joined by a legal piece of paper] when you then realize what the incongruity of your actions entail.
You, then, can either re-stoke the furnace by remembering those romantic meals or shows or other blissful times, or harden your heart and feel cheated when you hear those awesome words, "may I borrow your new dress, Dear"; or you find new lingerie in his dresser drawer again, especially after he had faithfully promised to refrain from dressing in order to preserve the relationship. Thereby, leading you to think back and remember the abuse and heartaches of past events.
True openness is not easy, as one recalls past experiences, for both partners must be open to allow intimacy to ripen, thus allowing love to grow deeper and deeper with the passage of time. The flip side of all this is that tenderness and intimacy may not lead to loving behavior. For present behaviors are based on past behaviors or experiences and are usually reflective of an inborn ineffective belief about herself or himself. Especially if they believe they are unlovable or inept. Based on these feelings, they may not treat their respective spouses well, due to the replaying of their tapes of their early childhood and their parent's marriage.
True committed love requires you share mutual decisions and not demand that your decisions are the only ones that are important. Along this pathway one must possess the strength of character embodying self esteem and self confidence. For all relationships, as well as life, are full of rocks and thorns as well as hills and valleys. Confidence in your ability is paramount in these times of crisis. In reality, this is a commitment to the individual and not to the altar of love or process. In honoring the process or marriage, you will be adrift and alone if the marriage flounders. This also does not imply that we must control or impart measures designed to try to keep the relationship from floundering such as we must stay for the sake of the children, if there are children, or forbidding the spouse to work, claiming caring for the house or children is a full time effort and is essential for your feeling loved, cared for and respected.
When the commitment is to the individual, both partners flourish and love becomes deeper and deeper. This is the path towards true intimacy. It has oft been stated that it is not what you say but what you do in the circumstance. Ultimately relationships fall or thrive, not on what you feel but on your action.
It is, however, essential that you tell your spouse or loved one, what is important to you . It means being honest about your inner conflicts so they can be solved in a mutual way. In this regard, in my newly formed relationship, I informed my mate early on in our courtship of my crossdressing as I was not willing to live in a suppressed state any longer. It will certainly cause conflict and initial despair, but eventually if the love is strong the problem will be resolved, for true commitment will motivate you to keep on or renegotiate your promises even if you don't feel like it all the time.
True commitment, however, is a two way street. The many things you do to please your mate or what she does to please you are essential. Some of which may not be enjoyable and indeed upsetting so that in such cases, feelings of love may not be present, in fact, you may feel angered or resent the intrusion in your time or space. However, listening to the request and it accompanied response will certainly go a long way to increasing the bonds of love. The converse as stated is equally true, if you express your love in words, but not action, that is, never making time for conversation or listening to her requests prior to carrying them out, she or he will not experience your love even though you may shout it from the highest rooftop.
In this context picture this scenario, your husband comes home from work and after sharing cocktails with him as he unwinds before supper, you shows him an advertisement featuring two women wearing black off the shoulder cocktail dresses at a fancy restaurant with the statement "A Dress For All Occasions." She then states, " Honey, how would you like to take me to dinner and a show wearing that dress." Dearest, he responds. "I would love to take you up on that idea, but I am afraid that people would ridicule you and you would lose face with your friends." Honey, she replies, "I appreciate your concern so I will tell you what my counselor told me about our crossdressed relationship."
All this is possible if the relationship is alive and both partners are able to accept and appreciate their own uniqueness without shame. There is nothing wrong with this type of relationship, if it is approached positively and with the commitment to do your best to understand each other and work for mutual wants and needs.
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