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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

Love Yourself, Love Your Partner

By Linda Kaye

I recently read an article, entitled, An Unexpected Love. The article told about a young woman who had spent a lifetime battling cancer, losing a leg, both breasts, her ability to bear children. When she least expected it, a young man fell in love with her. Her fears about what she perceived was the unattractiveness of her disfigured body, plus the knowledge that the cancer is back and that it will cut short her life, were paramount in her mind. The young man still wanted to marry and share her life, however brief it might be. He loved the entire person, and saw the beauty that lives within her. To him, it was her bravery, the joy of her smile and the goodness of her heart that attracted him...the rest did not matter.

This article gave me pause for thought, for I wonder how many of us have an unexpected love in our lives? How many of us have learned to love and appreciate ourselves? And more importantly, how many of us recognize the importance of who lives inside the other person and what constitutes attractiveness?

Perhaps we are too captured by what the society to which we belong believes beauty to be. We are told that outer beauty is vitally important, but I believe it is the inner beauty that we come to love. Life is often cruel with our bodies, and often the outer beauty is destroyed.

Does this make us less of a person? I think not, for what is most important and beautiful lives inside us. It is written that the true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. If one is the partner of a transgendered person, we are often faced with having to disregard what we see on the outside. I can’t begin to tell you how many women who write me are so distressed to see their “macho, male, hairy man they fell in love with” disappear when he crossdresses. They find their en femme husbands unattractive. One wife recently wrote she was intensely jealous of the fact that her husband can wear the clothes she used to fit into; she is a bit heavier now and resented him fitting into those clothes. She didn’t feel good about herself and she couldn’t look into his inner person because she hadn’t looked into herself and found herself worthy of love.

This brings to mind the title of that article, An Unexpected Love.

Often when you least expect it, you are given a gift of love. You may not feel worthy of this gift. You don’t know what to do with it. What you should do with it is to embrace the gift, appreciate and nurture it. My relationship with Vanessa is perhaps the unexpected love of my life. I have been given another chance; why, I don’t know, but this time, I will not throw it away. This is a love that means so much, that it is the number one priority in my life. I have finally reached a maturity level to recognize a real gift, and to know that it is a gift, one that must be nurtured, and have first place in my life. My career no longer has the meaning it did, my place in the gender community no longer has the importance it previously had; there is nothing that means more to me than my partner and our relationship.

However, Vanessa and I have been married more than two years now. Surely, the first bloom of love and passion have disappeared...but they haven’t. Why? Perhaps because there is a maturity in this relationship where we both realize that as unexpected as the beginning of our love and relationship was, it is important to keep it unexpected. Far too often, couples in any relationship find themselves becoming sedate with the relationship. The excitement of the courtship and marriage are over; the passion seems to become less intense, less important. A couple begins to adapt to everyday life, and in doing so, often allows the stress and pressures of everyday life to enter the relationship. They begin to lose something very precious along the way, when in fact, all of the things that interfere should be used as reasons to draw closer together.

What they lose is the intimacy factor of the relationship. They don’t touch as often, they don’t share as they used to, they lose the laughter in the relationship. They go about everyday life, loving each other, but not drawing closer. They need each other but they put that need somewhere else.

Perhaps what they lose the most is the unexpectedness of each other. They find themselves sure of what the other will do. It is a comfortable place to be, but one that can become a lonely place. A relationship should never be allowed to reduce to a simple comfort zone. It needs to be constantly growing, nurtured by the love two people share, and there has to be that sense of the unexpected. Mystery has a firm place in a relationship if it is used to keep the relationship exciting and growing. People are constantly growing and as we age, our outer person changes dramatically. However, if the love you have for your partner encompasses the entire person, especially the one who lives inside, then it really doesn’t matter what you or your partner look like. It is your commitment to each other, your desire to continually renew your love by keeping it unexpected - and always the most important part of your life.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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