True Gifts
By Linda Kaye
"Want the perfect gift? We have it!" That's the headline on the current Garden Botanika catalogue, and it is eye-catching. And, in fact, if you look inside, you can find just about anything any woman could use. And any crossdresser, for that matter. In fact, Vanessa is now the owner of a snazzy, red evening purse and a variety of make-up. I won't say she's spoiled....but.......!
Despite the commercialism of the season (and most seasons, now that I think about it,) I believe it is important to look beyond the catalogue front pages, beyond the daily ads in the newspaper, and look at what really is important.
I look at Vanessa and I see that she is able to have some of the things she has wanted - good breast forms, BIG HAIR, a good wardrobe. But if you look closer, you'll see that she has something more important - acceptance and encouragement from someone who really loves her. Furthermore, she accepts herself, which is something we all hope to do in our lives.
Recently, we've heard from two friends who have had turmoil in their lives. One is a dear friend from the other side of the world, and he is going to be involved in a separation and divorce. It has nothing to do with the transgendered part of this person but whatever the reasons, the pain is tremendous for him. For him, there is no Christmas, no Hanukkah. Our other friend has been in a great deal of turmoil in a relationship for sometime. He told us yesterday that he and his life- partner, a GG, have worked through many issues, transgendered and not, and are finding life to be far more wonderful and hopeful than they had ever expected.
Reading what I have just written, I would have to think, if I didn't know better, that our first friend has no gifts in life at this point. That is not true. He has terrific children. He has self-acceptance of who he is, as a person of multi-genders. He has a good job. He has good memories. There are good things in his life. Even though, right now it is hard for him to see it. He also has good friends, for we love him dearly and will support him to the best of our ability and friendship.
Our second friend has felt for sometime that life wasn't being very good for him. Yet, through concerted efforts on the part of each partner, a break through seems to have happened. They have a gift of renewed love and commitment. What makes it special is that neither partner had a clue that problems could be worked through and solved and that happiness could be reached. What a rare and generous gift they have been given.
I see life as a gift, something rare and delicate, easily destroyed. It is far more work to savor it, learn to enjoy it, realize its worth, than it is to simply accept unhappiness. It is far too easy to overlook the gifts that life offers.
In our transgendered world, we have many blessings which we tend to overlook at times of stress or unhappiness. There is a huge community of supporting people who genuinely care about each other. We might not always agree but we tend to join together and offer support and understanding. In this community there is remarkable strength, which unfortunately often is misinterpreted, simply because we choose to be different. There is so much love in this community, just waiting to be given (and received.) It is unfortunate that we tend to overlook this when we see someone vastly different from ourselves or who chooses another path to take.
At this season of giving and love, I encourage those within our community to put aside prejudices (yes, we tend to be prejudice against those not like us) and to put aside opinions, politics and personal agendas. Each year, this season rolls around, and we get a "feel-good" feeling which fades as soon as the egg nog wears off. Why can't we come together and be openly commited to finding peace within the chaos of competitiveness and envy that pervades this community?
I am not such a dreamer, or space-cadet, that I think that it will happen this year...or next...or even 10 years from now. However, if enough people sit up and put aside their personal opinions, openly and truthfully wish each other well, it is a beginning. We have enough turmoil in our lives, within this community, that to continue to add pain or discourse is a disgrace.
Wish your brothers and sisters of this community well - wish them joy at this holiday season - wish them self-love and self-acceptance - wish them communion with friends who care. That is what this community should be about. Only we can make it so. We - that's you and me.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network, a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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