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Cindy Jones

Going Out: The Desirable Addiction

By Cindy Jones

I promised myself that I would set aside the first fifteen minutes of my day today (it's 8:30AM) to tell the story of that night . . . I think you will find that the magic is in the little moments. The CD party itself was almost an afterthought.

I did have some help with my makeup. Jan, a lesbian GG, came over early--she is extraordinarily beautiful and we make quite a team together (there is another story about the two of us going out shopping--I was not dressed--the other day). She is very, very talented with makeup, and she did not let me look in the mirror until she was done. When I did, with Giselle's wig on, it took my breath away. I could no longer see my male self . . . it was a very, very powerful moment.

When Jan and I went out the other day, we went to the MAC makeup counter and bought what she used the other night. Tonight, if all goes according to plan, I am getting a makeup lesson so that I can learn to do it myself. The difficult parts, as you must know, are the eyes and the lips (my beard is light and not a problem). If I can master those, I'm there. But I need nighttime and daytime looks--Jan did a drop-dead evening look--you couldn't very well walk into a mall looking like that! The picture above was taken just before I went out--the dress, the hair, the makeup, well, it was just perfect.

After we were done, I was scurrying around trying to remember everything I needed to collect for the party (including a male emergency bag, just in case), and I had to drop Jan off at home too. You cannot believe how nervous I was walking out the door, but I did have confidence in myself. Got in the car and realized that what passersby were seeing was two women in a car, that's it. No way to read anything different.

Dropped Jan off, and then I drove myself over to the parking lot behind the TG store where Mary (the store owner, who is very sweet) was driving a few of the girls up to the party, which was on the other side of the city. I thought it safer to go in a group--car breakdown, etc. I got to the parking lot and it was empty--fear--oh no, did I do my usual Cindy ditzy thing and get the night wrong, the hour wrong, etc., etc. But five minutes later Mary pulled up. And that is when it started--when I went over to her I could tell that she was stunned by how I looked (remember when I went to my first meeting, I didn't even have a wig), and it was the first time that my body was being _read_ as a woman's body, she looked me over from top to bottom. This was to happen 3x that evening, each time with more power.

Anyway, in the mad dash to get out the door, I realized, as we went into Mary's store to wait for the others, that I had forgotten the bottle of champagne at home **I can be scatterbrained, but at least that night I had a good excuse! (smile)** I told Mary, and she said I had time to run home and get it. Oh no! I had to go back again, risk being seen by my tenants, etc, when I had made such a clean getaway the first time! But I went, there was no stopping me that night (I am a brave girl, in some ways, though I was feeling like a big scaredy-cat last night!!). Drove home, coast was clear, dashed in, got the bottle of champagne, back out.

But when I got into the car, I realized that I had left one of my gloves in the house. Went in to get it, but this time when I came out there were THIRTY (yes, count them 30) fraternity guys walking down the back lane, where my car was parked. This NEVER, EVER, EVER happens. I could not believe it. They were probably coming back from a bar down the street and going back to their frat house. But I did not panic--I thought to myself, if you are at risk at all, it is because you are extraordinarily good looking woman alone in the back lane, they can't read you, no way (btw--I would very much like to talk to you about how one _prepares_ themselves for being read). But so as not to press my luck, I did turn away slightly as I walked to my car. I got in, locked the door, held my breath (did not turn on the lights), and let them walk by. Then I started up the car and drove back to the store--this was the second magical moment of the night, it both frightened and exhilarated me.

We drove up to the party, and then came the third and most powerful moment. By now, I had no concerns whatsoever about running into someone on the street or driving by (though this is Winnipeg, and it was cold out). I got to the door of the party with the others, took off my pixie boots, put on my heels, walked thru the hall--and whoosh--it was like a shock wave through the room. Most everyone didn't recognize me from the TG meeting, but again my body was being read and the effect it was having was what I have so desired for years (you know I am vain)--my beauty rippled through the room, it reverberated, my body became a centerpiece. I could feel eyes moving up and down my body, and as I walked through the room, I swung my hips gracefully (I am an aerobics instructor, on the side, you know) knowing that I was being watched. The compliments that came pouring in after that were the icing on the cake, but it was that magic moment when I turned the corner that was so powerful. I felt so centered in myself and so happy!! It's like a drug, I want it to happen again!!

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