Celebration of Life
By Linda Kaye
Each living person has both an "inner" cycle and "exterior" cycle. All
too often, people allow their exterior life cycle to rule over and
dominate the inner life cycle. Only when we realize the distinction of
the two, will we be able to fully realize the potential that still
exists within us, regardless of our
age.
Sometime ago, I was sent a small booklet, entitled "Happy Birthday
Therapy." One of the sections of the book state: "How old do you feel
on the inside? Reflect on what your answer reveals about you.
Celebrate the child within you - your enthusiasm, passion, hope.
Celebrate the adult within you-your maturity, compassion, wisdom."
I thought that these were rather profound words. As I read them again
recently, I wanted to reflect on where I am in my life cycle, and how
these life cycles can affect us all.
We have only one alternative to aging, and that is death. Obviously,
life is therefore very important to us. The quality of our inner life
cycles is dependent solely on ourselves - we have total responsibility
for what we do, how we do it and how we feel about ourselves.
There are many external influences and they do have an effect on our
feelings; however, we are responsible for how we respond to those
influences. There is a difference between responding and reacting, in
that by responding, it indicates that we have given thought to our
actions, rather than not thinking things out and reacting through animal
instinct. There are times in our lives when, despite our chronicle age,
we feel very, very old. Our minds and our hearts feel old, and seem
defeated far beyond the aging process of the body. All life events we
experience, everything we feel, everything we do remains within our life
cycle. We cannot go back and change it. We might wish it to be
different, it might torment us, but it will never, ever be changed.
Another favorite book of mine is "A Falling Star," written by a woman
living in Africa, and who, in mid-life, met a man who changed her life.
This true- to-life fairy tale is that their love and life together was
one that comes along very rarely. They loved each other totally,
completely, without reservation, accepting each other exactly as they
were. Their life of enchantment continued for nearly two decades, until
the husband became terminally ill and the fairy tale ended in the
physical and mental destruction of a vibrant, caring man.
Not only does the book put into perspective how outside influences can
so profoundly affect us, it allows us to see that there can be a love
that comes along in life, that so completely fills us that the two lives
are forever fused together, in the oneness of mind and emotion.
These two people rediscovered the child in each other. They allowed
passion and enthusiasm encircle their lives; yet, they also allowed
maturity, wisdom and natural compassion for each other and others around
them to become the bonds for that relationship.
When the time came that the magic ended, there was left indomitable
love, compassion, and dedication to the other. Somehow, this made the
pain of letting go bearable. The memories of what had been nurtured
the healing.
So many times, as we age, mentally, emotionally, and physically, we lose
sight of this. Society puts us into compact "times of your life,"
telling you that simply because you are chronologically aging that you
can't do certain things. Age has nothing to do with what you make of
your life nor with decisions you make. What your heart tells you is
right, is what should guide you.
There are so many parts to each of us. To hide those parts away simply
because chronological age dictates you are to do so is to lose the
essence of your personhood. As women, we need to appreciate each facet
of our womanhood, from birth to death. So much happens in between. To
hide it away, to not experience every moment is a dreadful loss. Life
is not an enchanted and magical dimension. Rather, it is a myriad of
magic and reality, and to avoid it simply because it hurts or is
unpleasant or because someone else tells you it should be avoided, is to
deny everything you were created to be.
Our lives are filled with dreams - and to stop dreaming is to allow
outside influences to overcome your personhood. "If your life dream has
been fulfilled, you may feel that something is still missing. Recast
your dream so that it fits who you are now. Embrace your transformed
dream." (Happy Birthday Therapy) Dreams are simply hopes, emotions you
want to share, possibilities. When one ceases to dream and loses hope,
they begin to dwell on "what might have beens," dreams that never came
true. Far better to understand that some things are impossible, but
others aren't. Far better to try to make your dreams come true, even if
they aren't in the original context. It is okay to transform them,
change them, modify them, improve them. And it is a joyful moment when
one comes true. If it doesn't, then it was good to dream it. Life goes
on, and there can be more dreams. To go backward is to deny yourself -
to allow your inner spirit to wither and die.
All of this is not a question of yourself involved in a gender
relationship. Rather, it is a question of whether or not you are willing
to allow yourself, as a person and as a woman, to be. It is a question
of whether or not you are willing to go past simple existence, and to
purposely seek your own happiness, to accept your past defeats or lost
dreams. It is a question of whether or not you will be "old" inside, no
matter what the outside may seem. There is no reason that you cannot be
as youthful in your mind and heart at your point of death as you were at
your point of birth. You alone are responsible for what happens in
between - no one else - just you.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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