After crossdressers have come out to their wives or partners and their relationship
seems to be progressing in a favorable manner, they seem surprised and puzzled when
these same wives do not seem as enthusiastic about their crossdressing as they once
were. For example, a crossdresser reports, "There are times I dress at home and my
wife doesn't bat an eye. Other times I do the same thing and I can feel the ice
cubes forming in her eyes. I didn't do anything different. Now I am thoroughly
confused and feel guilty all the time. I don't have a clue as to what I did wrong?"
Sound familiar.
Then there is the crossdresser who cannot understand why his wife is upset when he
announces after coming home from his support group, "Honey, a couple of the guys want
to go out tomorrow night. Shouldn't be too late. OK?" And he wonders why she gives
him the cold shoulder. Sound familiar.
We all know that when crossdressers first come out, in their excitement and
enthusiasm in finding others and feeling good about themselves, they may tend to
neglect the needs of their significant others. They need to be sensitive to her
needs and not go overboard either in staying home and crossdressing or in going out
with crossdressing friends.
In keeping the relationship positive the crossdresser may need to slow way down,
especially in the beginning. Remember that all of these new behaviors represent
change to the wife and change is not easy to understand or adapt to. She still needs
reassurance that her life is not being turned upside down.
The best way to find out exactly how the significant other feels is to ASK her. If
he feels the "ice cubes forming" find out what is wrong. Begin communicating; don't
wait until the situation gets out of hand. Issues such as going out, how often to
dress, where to dress may need to be addressed several times. The significant other
may feel one way one week and completely different the next. She has concerns and
fears and is probably not a happy camper about all this. So allowances have to be
made for her ups and downs especially during the early days.
When the wife or partner, nurturer that she is, realizes that the crossdresser is
honestly trying to make things work out, she will probably more often than not, meet
him more than halfway.
(This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley
Girls.)