Well the good news is that you are not nuts! Since you found the TG Forum,
you know that you have a lot of friends here that feel the same way you do.
And they tend to not be sleazy types. Many in fact hold very responsible
jobs and are professionals.
So what to do about it... You can always carry on as you are doing right
now; I believe that, alone, will make you crazy. You could seek out a
gender counselor and that is what I strongly recommend.
The benefit of getting some counseling is that you will be comfortable with
yourself first. Then you can address the next sticky question . . . what
about the wife? There are ways to tell and there are ways not to tell.
Surprising her all fluffed out is one of the "no-no's!" Her fear will be
that you will become a woman, that she has failed to satisfy you as a
woman, that she will abhor living in a Lesbian relationship, that she will
be embarrassed when friends and relatives, kids, find out, ad nauseam! You
will have a lot to overcome without scaring the daylights of her.
Counseling can help prepare you for this and it may be wise, at some point,
to bring her into the counselor's fold. Good luck, Hon! Rachael
The follow Book (review) has gotten some rave reviews and may be of
interest to many Gender people and families.
Book Review: "Mom, I Need to Be a Girl"
I wish I'd had this book to give to my parents and siblings and other
relatives in 1976, the year that I transitioned. Or maybe even before. I
don't know if it would have made a difference with some, but I think it
would have helped with most, and it would have made my life a lot easier
for sure.
Mom, I Need To Be a Girl_ is written by a the parent of a teenaged son who
soon became a teenaged daughter. The author, Just Evelyn, is a friend that
I met at the second International Conference on Transgender Law and
Employment Policy in 1993. Evelyn had called me several months prior,
seeking legal advice for dealing with her teenaged transgendered. As I
told her then, she was welcome to the conference, but at that time we were
timid about dealing with anyone under eighteen. You just never knew what
the fanatic, religious right, conservatives would do, so we mostly told
them to call us back when they became eighteen years old. That was 1993.
Evelyn's book, just released this month, will certainly be a good guide for
parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and cousins who love and
recognize that their family member is, at age eight or ten, twelve or
fourteen, and has been socially trapped in the wrong gender role. There is
a lot of love in this book. And there is a lot of searching and soul
searching as well. I do not understand why family members feel guilty when
they learn of a loved one being transgendered, but they often do, and this
book will certainly help in that area as well.
One of the things that I admire so about Evelyn is that she is not afraid
to sound-off at those in the so-called "helping professional" area who do
no really help, but charge a fee to transgender clients who then educate
those professionals or serve as research data and are provided little
actual help.
Evelyn blasts several. She also takes the reader step by step through all
of the challenges, including school, restrooms and gym class. She also has
a good list of references in the back.
The last time I visited with Evelyn was while I was in San Diego for a
conference. Just because Evelyn's daughter has grown up and gone on into
the world of adulthood, does not mean that Evelyn has forgotten how to
care. She still reaches out to assist community members who are deeply
closeted and need someone to talk to who is safe (from police and the
toughs who might assault them). She shares an extensive video library of
talk shows and others where the TG issue has been expressed. She even has
my appearance on the
"Phil Donahue Show" from 1991.
I want to say now that I would not really want to change anything about my
past life. Every cause had its effect, and if I changed anything, I'd not
be legally, same-sex married to my wonderful Trish (silver anniversary is
only two months from tomorrow), and I'd not have my wonderful son and his
wife and our grandchild. But I do know that if this book had come out in
the mid
1960's and if my parents had read and understood (a real key, yes) it,
maybe I would not have been so fearful when they discovered my cross
dressing back in
1965. It was my high school senior year when my stash of women's
underclothes was discovered. You could cut my parents' homophobia with
dull knife: it permeated the air. I knew that I had to tell them it was
just an experiment, for I feared that the truth would have caused me to
become a homeless youth and on the street at 17.
I hope that you will purchase and use Evelyn's book. Send it to any parent
who is having trouble. Send it to PFLAG Chapters so maybe they will see
that
TG work belongs in their mission statement as well. It is a very good
tool.
Send $10 (inclusive of tax and s/h) to Just Evelyn, 3707 Fifth Ave #413,
San Diego, CA 92103, 1-800-666-8158, www.justevelyn.com.
I hope that the mother of an FTM child writes a similar good book soon.
Review by: Phyllis Randolph Frye