As we know, when significant others find out about their husband's crossdressing they
are usually confused and upset. They may in time read about crossdressing or even
talk to a helping professional. Many times they are referred to significant others
support groups and may even call to find out about times and locations.
But so many times these same significant others who call NEVER show up for a meeting.
We know it takes courage to take that first step, but that does not seem to be the
main stumbling block. It appears that there is a misconception that if they attend
support groups, they will somehow be FORCED to accept their husband's or partner's
crossdressing. They believe that only supportive wives attend support group meetings
and that the agenda is to make them accede to their husband's demands, whatever they
might be. They are afraid that they might get in deeper than they want.
When I attended my first support group meeting, I also expected to be given some sort
of "list" of what was expected of the wife of a crossdresser. I was very surprised
to find that not only were the other wives at that first meeting NOT necessarily
supportive, but they in no way at all tried to influence me one way or another. In
fact, they were surprised, even shocked, to find that I had gone "out" with my
husband because I thought I was supposed to. It was a wonderful meeting, not at all
what I had anticipated.
There is another misconception about significant others support meetings. Many
crossdressers erroneously believe that if they suggest such meetings, their wives or
partners will attend some sort of "bitch" session and come home armed with ways to
make their crossdressing lives miserable. These crossdressers may be very hesitant
to suggest such meetings because they fear the outcome.
My first support meeting was definitely not a bitch session. We talked about our own
experiences, our fears, our concerns, and ways to help not only us but the
crossdressers in our lives.
Support groups can be a positive experience for both the significant other and the
crossdresser if such groups remember their focus - to help integrate crossdressing
into a relationship in a way that is beneficial to both and considers the needs of
both. Such groups cannot consider ONLY the concerns of the significant other nor
should it consider ONLY the concerns of the crossdresser.
It is certainly up to the members of such groups to remember why they are meeting and
set their goals accordingly.
(This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley
Girls.)