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Stephanie and Suzanne
At the Mall

By Stephanie K


Stephanie and Suzanne went to the Apache Mall in Rochester, MN. We drove over together but Suzanne dropped me off and then parked the van and came in later. I had been telling her recently about how people react (or don't react) to me when I go out dressed as Stephanie. Always inquisitive and wanting to know more about this interesting but different activity of mine, she suggested we go to the mall but not walk around together. She wanted to see me from afar, in public, and see how the public reacted to me. I just did my Stephanie thing and she watched. I saw her several times during the adventure (about 45 minutes) but didn't interact with her. I wore my long black ivory print skirt, mock turtleneck ivory T, black blazer and hose, comfortable shoes (black suede flats) and appropriate make-up and jewelry.

I interacted with the public much more than I ever have in the past and it was fun. First, I strolled into a puzzle store while I waited for Suzanne to park the van and come in. The salesgirl asked if she could help me and I said I was just looking. After a few minutes I started walking out and chatted a bit with her about how slow business seemed to be. She said that it was busy all day until just recently (Hmmmmm, it couldn't be because a man in a dress walked in and scared everybody else out??) I next strolled into a discount jewelry boutique looking for some dangly clip-on earrings. The salesgirl asked if she could help me and I asked to see clip-on earrings. She showed me and I noticed that there wasn't one pair of dangly ones (DARN!) So I wandered around the shop looking at the rest of the earrings, pins, and necklaces. I found some bracelets and I just had to get one. It was fun interacting at the counter with the salesgirl. She didn't bat an eye in disapproval and even helped me find the right change in my purse as I fumbled around nervously.

Next I strolled down to the bookstore and spent quite a bit of time just looking around. Once I had to squeeze past a man who had a large package at his feet. I excused myself and he moved and just went on looking at the stacks. I stood next to him for a few minutes looking for what I wanted and he didn't give me a second glance (and, no, he wasn't sweating or shaking in his boots because he was standing so close to this rather tall....what? Did he know? Did he care? It looked like he didn't even notice!)

I didn't buy anything in the bookstore and walked out. I intentionally made more eye contact with people as I passed them in the mall. A few stared. I think that even fewer people paid attention to me this time than the last time I was there two weeks previously. I next stopped at the JC Penney store and actually looked at some winter coats in my size. Then I wandered over to the women's dress department and looked at all the beautiful dresses in my size AND THEY WERE ON SALE!! There were several customers and salesladies in close proximity but I didn't notice any of them looking at me. I even picked out a couple of dresses and held them up to me to see how long they were. I found the wonderful stretch velvet I love so much in a long dress style!! But I didn't have my Penney's plastic with me. And I didn't want to buy without trying it on! I hadn't planned to try on clothes on this outing. Of course, my wig is a pain when I have to pull stuff over my head. I wonder if anyone would have said anything if I had walked into the fitting rooms to try the dress on? All they can say is no!

Well, that was the extent of our outing. Suzanne said she wasn't quite ready to go out to dinner (be seen) with Stephanie yet, so we drove back home and got a video and a pizza after I put Stephanie away!

Let me say a few words about Suzanne's experience with Stephanie at the mall. This was not a really fun thing for her to do! She still would rather be with me and have fun with me as Steve. But she really wanted to face her fear of embarrassment and shame when (and if) I got ridiculed or something as Stephanie. She followed me around all evening and said that her only bad time came when I was in the puzzle store at the start. While my back was turned the salesgirl rolled her eyes and smiled as she pointed me out to another customer! I wasn't aware of this, but so what! Suzanne felt this feeling of shame and embarrassment. I didn't, so we talked about that. We both agreed that a lot of people dress differently in public (like teenagers especially) and people laugh and/or disapprove of them. People express themselves in how they dress and how they look all the time. That's called freedom of expression in this country!

She also said that she thought that I really didn't stick out from the crowd as much as she thought I would. Yes, I was taller and broader (6' 4", 240 lbs.) but she said she was surprised to see many broad, tall people. If anything she thought I stood out because I was better dressed than most of the women there (she is a dear!) She was surprised that hardly anyone paid any attention to me. We decided that there is a certain level of anonymity in a mall situation and most people never really pay much attention to each other (sad, but true, but good for us CDs, eh?). I noticed that I never spent one ounce of energy worrying if I would meet someone I knew (I have a few friends in the Rochester area.) I believe that like everyone else they would not pay attention to me unless I came right up to them and talked to them. It's this anonymity thing in crowds like this. This was a great insight for both of us because we have these ego-identities that believe we are the center of our universes and this experience proved that we really aren't. This is a good thing for us to realize! It keeps us humble!

On the drive back we got into some discussion about how she thinks I pay more attention to her clothes than I do to her. She sometimes wonders (and fears) that whenever I compliment her on what she is wearing that I am really doing so because I want to wear her clothes and not because she is looking lovely and I am "hot for her bod!" That really doesn't happen ever. We really don't have the same taste in clothes (nor do we wear the same size) and I do love her and her body, not just her clothes (well, I do get turned on a lot more by seeing her in her pretty lingerie, but since I have my own, it is really about how she fills that lingerie in a way that I love and cannot duplicate myself. It's a good indication to me why I love and need her and can't satisfy all my needs by myself!).

The next morning she was feeling a little more fear around thinking that she must get to like being with Stephanie all the time. I told her I have no expectations about her going out with Stephanie. She told me that her intention is to have fun with Stephanie if we can do fun things that we both enjoy. She will continue to accept my unusual interest and continue to try to understand CDing in general, but she may not actively participate with Stephanie in everything. She is going to leave it open, play it by ear. I love her for her courage and understanding so far. She is the best!! We both learned a lot by this adventure. We both recommend it to other couples trying to live with and understand this wonderful but unusual gift.

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