Too Much of a Good Thing!
by Vanessa Kaye
I believe that it was Mae West who said, "Too much of a good thing is
wonderful!" I quite understand what she was saying; yet there are some
exceptions.
Linda and I regularly correspond with couples. Usually, these
exchanges are initiated by the spouses or partners of crossdressers.
They have just recently discovered, by one means or another that their
male partner is a crossdresser. We do our best to explain this
phenomenon and how this need can successfully be incorporated in a
relationship. Providing that the existing relationship is a good one,
this generally works just fine.
The problem comes after the wife or partner has come to terms with this
and accepted the other woman into the relationship. The crossdresser
seems to feel that they now have carte blanche to do whatever they wish
in order to further their realization of complete transformation into
the femme self. They tend to make unilateral decisions without
consulting their partners and go at "light speed" to immerse
themselves in their new found freedom.
Whatīs wrong with this picture? Itīs obvious to us, and to the spouse or
partner. Unfortunately, the crossdresser can't seem to grasp the idea
that there are two people involved in this journey, not just one. From
the initial contact, up through the first "meeting" of the now femme
partner, all steps were taken gradually, and together. Once the
crossdresser believes that she is free to express her inner self, she
takes off and tries to make up for a good deal of lost time.
It is at this point that the damage is done. If you are a crossdresser
with a spouse or partner, you need to realize that they are trying their
very best to cope with this new idea. Often, it is quite difficult for
them to understand that you "need" to wear female clothing and fantasize
about being a woman. Generally, in order to save the relationship, they
try their very best and make some great steps towards accepting this
"femme" self of yours.
It is important to go slowly. Simply because your wife or partner has
said, "Okay, why don't you go upstairs, shave, put on your make-up and
dress. Iīll be up in a little while to see how you look." does not mean,
"Dress and prance about as often as you like." Nor does it mean, "Okay,
letīs go out shopping as girls tomorrow." It means exactly what is said:
"Letīs try it tonight and see how it goes."
I have a little maxim that I share with others. It is what I refer to as
"The Law of Diminishing Returns." In short, this means that the more you
experience, the more you will want to do in order to have the same
feelings of transformation. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to
explore more of your feminine self and develop her, this needs to be
done in accordance with your partner's ability to cope with, and share
in, your journey.
This journey of femininity should be a shared one. If you go at a pace
that your partner is comfortable with, there will be fun, instead of
stress. Talk with one another, discuss what the next steps will be and
clearly define the current boundaries. Donīt exceed the limits of your
partnerīs comfort zone without asking.
All the while that you are exploring your femme self, remember that your
spouse or partner cannot feel what you feel. They cannot understand the
burning desire that pushes you ever forward. Communication is the way to
relate these needs and feelings. It is essential that you share as much
of your journey as possible. If you do this, chances are that your
relationship will be better than ever and that the two of you
will be closer than you imagined possible.
Remember, too much of a good thing can be bad. Make sure it doesnīt
happen to you.
|