Recently I read a comment in a gender newsletter by a crossdresser
alluding to divisions within the significant other community. Then I was
told of a similar remark made by a transsexual regarding a significant
others support group elsewhere in California.
Specifically, both were referring to division between wives of
transvestites and wives of transsexuals. It appears to these individuals
that wives who are dealing with crossdressing issues are not particular
receptive to those wives whose husbands are contemplating at the least
hormones and electrolysis and at the most sexual reassignment surgery.
We know that significant others of transvestites differ widely. Some are
very supportive of their husband's crossdressing; others have a hard time
dealing with it. Issues such as financial concerns, job security, whether
to tell the children, involvement in gender activities are all concerns
that are frequently mentioned and discussed.
Likewise significant others of transsexuals differ widely. Some are very
supportive of their husbands' desire to change; others cannot deal with it
at all and leave. Many are in the middle, desperately in need of support
and guidance. These ladies in particular, in such a fragile situation,
certainly do not need the added burden of being shunned by those wives who
do not face the same issues they do.
There is probably an element of fear in play here. Those wives new to
crossdressing are particularly vulnerable. Since they themselves have
little understanding yet of what is going on with their husbands, when
they meet other wives whose husbands are not only crossdressing, but are
also considering going "full time" they panic and jump ship, so to speak -
never to return to the support group.
So perhaps some significant other support groups in trying to prevent
their members from leaving have decided to "restrict" their membership to
wives of transvestites only.
There has to be a better way! We, significant others, need to support
each other, even with our differences. We need to recognize the concerns
that wives of transsexuals have and help them find knowledgeable helping
professionals and alternate family groups. Instead of turning these wives
away, perhaps help them to form a support group within a support group.
Find some way of allowing wives with specific issues to network with each
other whether they be wives of transvestites or wives of transsexuals.
Wives of transsexuals are well aware that they face different issues than
wives of transvestites, but they still want and need support of all the
wives. It is cruel to deny them these friendships.
(This article recently appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the
Diablo Valley Girls.)