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No More Hiding In My Room

By Livia


I had reached a time in my life when I was getting tired of dressing up in a room only to look in the mirror. I needed something more. I wanted to go out dressed to see what it would be like, but I couldn't bring myself to take the risk. If something happened and I got caught, it would ruin my life and probably my family's too. I had seen the Sigma Epsilon home page, so I knew there were others near. The final straw was Halloween when I got all ready to go out for a drive, but was too afraid of getting caught to go. I was so disappointed with myself but resolved that night to contact Sig Ep because they would have a safe environment for me.

Contacting Sig Ep was one of the scariest things I have ever done but also one of the best things I have ever done. It is very hard to let out something that has been your deepest secret all your life. But I found out all of these other crossdressers knew exactly what I was feeling because they have all been through the same feelings. And they are much more caring and genuine friends than most friends you'll ever know. They were exactly what I needed.

I had first sent Kerri an email, but got so anxious when the reply didn't arrive in a few hours (it seems she has to work for a living too) that I left a message on the hotline too. Then I got Kerri's reply just before Cheryl returned the hotline call. Both were a wonderful help even though I was scared to death. I went ahead and told them I would come to the meeting which was a few days away because I was afraid I would back out if I didn't commit myself. That committment was a great move on my part because without it I would have chickened out at several junctures.

I arrived at the motel on Friday and called the Sig Ep room for Kerri, who was going to come get me from my room. Although I knew I didn't have to dress for Sig Ep, I did because that's one of the reasons I came for. Kerri had been delayed but Lauren, who answered the phone, was a wonderful help. She offered to come get me, but I lucked out with a room so close that I zipped to the Sig Ep room by myself. I was totally terrified going into that room and for the first few minutes in the room. Everyone seemed so relaxed but me that I had thoughts in those first few seconds of running out and never coming back. Fortunately, my committment lasted for at least a few seconds and by that time Lauren had starting reassuring me and literally saved me from my own fear. From that point on, it was all wonderful. That first weekend was the most exhilerating, most fulfilling, most fantastic time I can remember in my life. Once released, the burden of my lifelong secret took such a weight off me that I was walking on clouds. No one pushed me to do anything I didn't choose to do that weekend. But I amazed myself at some of the brazen things I did dressed before the weekend was over. All those pent up needs for so many years just literally came out with a big rush.

I cannot begin to thank everyone who so generously helped me that weekend. Everything happened so fast and absolutely everyone was fantastic to me. I will be forever indebted but, as someone said, the best way to repay that debt is to help other first-timers. Perhaps someone who is reading this on the internet and is at the stage where a little something more is needed in their life...

The Sig Ep homepage is at http://pages.prodigy.com/kerricd/sigep.htm

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