in talking with many transgender individuals -- TSs, TVs, drag queens, etc.-- in my role as therapist, I have wondered what common factors might exist in the backgrounds of these individuals. Of course, I found no similarity in social class, education, religious orthodoxy, or ethnicity. Nor have I found any in patterns of child rearing, birth order or the marital relationship of parents.
I did note that cross-gendered male children who demonstrated effeminate behavior had poorer relationships with their fathers, were rejected by their peers and were generally unhappier. However, boys who did not behave effeminately, reported being accepted in family and social situations. Interestingly, girls who demonstrated masculine interests did not describe being discriminated against as were their effeminate male counterparts. So, was there to be no common experience that young cross-genders shared that set them apart from their peers?
The one commonality reported in the early development of a majority of TG adults are feelings of guilt and shame and the concomitant behavior of secretiveness. This is understandable in the effeminate boy who endures ridicule and rejection. But it occurs also in the cross-gendered child whose behavior either attracts no special attention or the FtM girl who is valued for her male-identified qualities.
Even these children report having felt guilt and shame when they seek treatment as adults. At various ages, whenever they become aware of their gender differences, their response is consistent. Not one client has reported feeling good about wishing to be the other sex or desiring to dress in clothes or play with toys associated with the opposite gender. Even those who do not engage in behaviors that elicit negative response from others seem to have an internal sense that they should be happy being the boy or girl they were born to be.
This ambiguity must be indeed difficult for youngsters. That drive to be themselves, which brings them comfort and satisfaction, also causes them terrible distress in the form of shame and guilt. Shame is the result of feelings of inadequacy; guilt arises from believing one is bad. Both behaviors cause children and adults to become secretive in an effort to prevent others from learning about what they know of themselves.
Because gender is so pervasive in one's development, the TG person becomes increasingly secretive about more and more aspects of his/her life--from one's favorite color, to hobbies, career choices, dreams for the future, etc. By the time the TG adult seeks therapy voluntarily, he/she often describes a life marked by social isolation and low self-esteem.
Next month I will write about approaches in working with gender-questioning youth. Are cross-gender behaviors a mental disorder? Can/should they be treated in therapy? What outcomes should be sought?