Confessions of the Male-Lesbian's Wife!
By Linda Kaye
Recently, my partner, Vanessa, wrote an article entitled, "Confessions of
a Male Lesbian." Personally, I have never cared for the label, "Male
Lesbian," in part because several people in my past have used it to hurt
those who love them. However, I understand exactly what Vanessa was
saying in her article. The term, "Male Lesbian," in my view, represents a
transgendered male who loves women. I would take it further to say that
it might well be a transgendered male who enjoys making love, while
dressed as a woman, to a woman.
Unfortunately, there are connotations that come to mind by the actual
word, "lesbian" which I think are unfair and interpreted incorrectly. I
think that the word "lesbian" is one which frightens many people, just as
the words, "gay" and "homosexual" do. This seems especially true of
partners of transgendered men.
One of the first questions that comes from a wife/partner, when told
about the transgendered state of their partner, seems to be "Are you
gay?" There is immediate identification of gender with sexuality and no
distinction between the two. Often a second question is, "Are you this
way because I am not woman enough for you?" The questions go on and on,
and every one of them has a validity which is very personal to the woman
asking it.
I think we need to openly look at the identification by many women of
their partner's transgenderism with their sexual identity. Even more
important is the need to help the woman who seems to feel that she is not
"woman enough" and is somehow to "blame" for her partner being
transgendered.
If one becomes active in the so-called "gender community," one will
immediately see that those transgendered have joined their fight to that
of the homosexual community. There is instant identification with the
hell that the gay and lesbian community have gone through over the years,
and whether or not the gay/lesbian community wanted this identification,
it is now part and parcel. Everywhere you go, the term
"Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgendered" is used, and frankly, I think we
should be very grateful to the gay/lesbian community at large for this
inclusion and for their seeming acceptance of those transgendered.
However, societal doctrines have often belittled those who are gay and
lesbian, and have immediately identified the transgendered with being gay.
Thus, there is validity in the first question out of a wife or partner's
mouth, "Are you gay?" They are being faced with something new, probably
shocking, and they have no information except what they may have read
about in the newspaper or seen on the television.
Why is it that heterosexuals are so fearful of those different from
them, such as lesbians and gays? I don't know the answer, unless it is
simply the "human" way history has taught us to feel. I wonder if lesbians
and gays feel that way about us heterosexuals? Wouldn't that be
interesting!
I find it unfortunate that there are elements within our own gender
community which carry on this homophobia and allow personal prejudices to
invade. Whereas they demand acceptance of their transgendered selves,
they belittle those very people who accept them! It really is a sad
commentary on how far we really haven't come!
Recently, living in a new city, Vanessa and I wanted to go out one
evening, but had no idea where to go. A friend from the Internet
suggested we go to a gay pub on the other side of the bay, so I called and
asked if they had a problem with a crossdresser going to their
establishment. The very nice man on the other end of the line said, "Of
course not! We'd be delighted if you would come!" The next evening,
Vanessa got dolled up and we drove over the bridge to JT's. As we walked
in, the owner of the pub came rushing over, asking if we were the ones who
had called. He introduced himself, asked our names, found us a
comfortable place to sit and took our drink orders. He came back three
times during the evening to chat, asking us about our new house, how we
liked the city, did we have children, where had we come from, etc. The
patrons and other staff of the pub couldn't have been more welcoming or
generous in their offers of friendship. We were enchanted.
On the other hand, what if a transgendered gay man were to walk into
some of the support group meetings held around the country? Would he get
the same welcome that we did from the gay community? In some cases, I
think not. This is evident without it even happening - try going onto
some of the chat rooms and see the prejudices expressed there! It is a
real eye opener.
Obviously, we will never change the views of everyone. However, it is
time, I think, that those of us in the gender community who value the
differences in other people begin to try to educate those within our
community who continue to express prejudices even while expecting
acceptance from those they are prejudice against! It is time to realize
the if we want others to accept us for who and what we are, we need to
accept them. To begin, let me say that I love being married to a
male-lesbian!
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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