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Beach Diary

A Collection of Impressions Gained Through 3 Days of Crossliving.
By Andee W.

I just got back from a much needed short vacation at the Delaware shore.

The weather was great - mid to upper 80s, sunny - but my real reason for telling you all is because it was a mini-RLT retreat where I had decided there was "no going back" to male persona from Thursday through Sunday. My last trip to California, and excellent visit with my friends Christina and Gina, really encouraged me to try "crossliving" for a continuous short period. I learned a couple things along the way (where the proverbial "light bulb" went on over my head ). I also learned a lot about myself in how I project to others and how a different tone or behavior signal how I am perceived (M or F) to other persons in the routine course of normal activities (from "woman" who did not stand out even in a swimsuit on the beach, to "absolutely" clocked as T*). In this short time I succeeded in experiencing a measured sample of the good and the bad, and about what it is like being a transgender woman in the real world.

Perhaps the first thing different was packing - no male clothes to "escape" back into. I would need to pack the things a lady would need for 4 days away. Luckily beaches everywhere tend toward more casual attire, and shorts, tops, a couple of rompers, and a casual dress would do along with a skirt and coverup for going to the beach. Since I wanted to spend time on the sand I brought a couple one-piece and a couple of two-piece swimsuits. The two-piece bikini bottoms worked well in keeping what's private, well, private! The one-piece suits were a soft cup style that both easily accommodated my breast forms on top and were not too revealingly high cut on the thigh. Still and all I had two-suitcases full as I packed the car.

The weekend began at home with a close shave and androgynous (though femme) shorts, a T-top, and sandals for the drive down Thursday - my last moments in male persona necessitated by not knowing who I would run in to on the way out of the neighborhood. I stopped for gas, used the restroom to put on my makeup and wig, and back to the car and I was off for about a three hour drive. On arrival I needed groceries, and so I figured it was "now or never" and into Food Lion I went. Supermarket...broad daylight...yikes! Know what - maybe everyone was still asleep but no one 'clocked' me, not even at checkout. Wow! The place I stayed is a townhouse condo that offers some, but not, absolute privacy in arrivals and departures and so I was worried about arriving when others were doing the same, or running into a gauntlet of teenage girls. But that was not to be. When I arrived there were no people (I guess they all headed for the beach early), so I brought my stuff in and decided to take a break, eat, and plan my next 3 days.

We have a lot of outlet shopping malls in the Delmarva resort areas and you can really find some good prices on things if you know where to shop. I usually hit the Danskin outlet and stock up on dance things, the Bass (and Nine West) outlet for shoes, and L. L. Bean, Ann Taylor, and Hanes/Leggs/Bali for various clothes. Since I had killed the better part of the day coming over I figured I'm already dressed and the stores would probably not be too crowded (nice day with people on the beach, remember) and so I freshened up the makeup and I was off.

Things started on a down note. In Danskin I was 'read' big time by Sales Associate #1, who appeared to be about my age (40s). She came over and asked "can I help you sir?," and I said no I was just looking and she asked "Is this for your wife or daughter?" Sheeeze! I should've just walked out. But no, I looked around and SA#1 went back to Sales Associate #2 to point me out. Then I had another "can I help you find something" (at least no "sir") from SA#2 who really just wanted to check me out. I was not feeling very comfortable, but I did want to get some new tights and they were 50% off my local dance store's price, so I scooped up 4 pairs and headed for SA#1 at the register. If looks could kill...at least she was efficient, if not friendly. On the way out SA#2 looked up from her work to say "bye, and have a great day!"

Maybe things would improve. And improve they did. The ladies in Nine West know me in male drab, and seeing me dressed was something I had threatened them with but not pulled off. I don't know what the other customers thought but I had 3 associates in a mild case of shocked surprise. One said "I wish I could get my boyfriend to try that sometime...I'd really find him a pair of heels!" As is usually the case at that outlet store, either they have something that works in stock or they don't and today wasn't a big shopping day, only one pair of pumps. Ann Taylor is practically next door and so in I went.

Surprisingly there were a lot of shoppers on this day, and I headed for the sales rack in the back. Sometimes they will have stuff there priced at only 25% of retail...usually either way-small or way-large sizes...but today they had a classic white blouse marked down from $39 to $9.99 that was my size. It didn't even dawn on me to worry about asking to try it on, as I spied an associate the words just popped out of my mouth and she pointed me to the dressing room in the back. A perfect fit! This would go well with a number of skirts and pants I already have. I had to stand in line to pay and the lady behind me had quite a handful and she remarked about the good prices. If she read me she hid it well...usually my voice gives me away...but I didn't even notice a raised eyebrow. The cashier did notice, I could tell by her smile, but she didn't say anything.

Before I knew it I was off to Hanes. As a factory store they have a lot of slightly irregulars that don't seem to affect the durability of the garment, often at prices 25%-30% off retail. Depending on the item you can do as well with first quality merchandise when your local department store has a sale, but some items are a bigger discount. I was looking for Bali Barely There underwear (really comfortable) and they had "first-quality" for 35% off, a marginally better price than at home. I know my size and so I just picked up what I was after and headed for the register. Not too many people were in the store and the cashier read me big time (that doe- eyes in the headlights look) and I must have flabbergasted her enough that she didn't know what to say...in fact she was speechless! She kept looking at my face...then my chest...then my face...then the merchandise...then my face. As she finished ringing up and putting the stuff in a bag and handing me my change she smiled and said "have a nice day dear." With a small smile I said thanks and I was off. After a further stop at the Dress Barn I headed to the car with my full bags. I felt really good as I drove back to the condo. Although traffic tends to crawl and there were now a lot of folks on the street, no one in the other cars or passersby seemed to notice me as anyone other than a shopper coming back from the outlets.

At the condo there was a family who had returned from the beach outside...mom, dad, and two little girls...and I got a little tense. I decided you can't be fearful now, and so I picked up my bags and headed right past them. Surprise - not even a double take. They were so busy with their own stuff that they didn't have time to even look hard at me. I surmised that the initial impression - casually dressed woman with full shopping bags - fit the stereotype and did not warrant any further scrutiny. Inside I admired all that I had found, and turned on the stereo, opened a bottle of wine, and sat down to relax and decide on a plan for supper.

When I was in Los Angeles last month my friends Christina and Gina had me doing everything from the symphony to the beach without even having a chance to doubt or worry about being read. If "we" could do it together there then I felt "I" could do it by myself here.

Supper would in one sense be no big deal, yet in another sense a major challenge because I had not frequented the restaurants closest to the condo en femme. I decided to try Phillips Seafood, which appears deceptively small from the street but holds about 300 in a series of smaller rooms. The restaurant tends to be rather crowded, but at the same time a bit private with booths along the walls, and this is where I was usually seated as a single before. I made my plan to freshen up and change into a new longish summer floral dress and flat sandals.

The restaurant is really only a few blocks walk and so I decided to hoof it, maybe to see if my confidence and passability would survive the test. I walked in behind a group of seniors, two couples, and the hostess thought I was with them and asked if we wanted a table for 5. This caused them all to glance my way, but immediately turn back to the hostess. One of the gentlemen said, "oh, she's not with us," and so off they went to be seated with me standing by myself in the middle of the entryway.

A family came in behind me, and in my worst fears I saw that there were two teenage girls with their parents. I didn't look back at them, and they really didn't see my face, and soon the hostess was back and escorting me to my table. I had to walk through two of the three large rooms, now full of patrons, and was seated in a booth just as I had hoped in the last room. No one even looked up from their crab cakes so I guess I must've passed OK.

That Voice

Phillips always has plenty of wait-staff, and soon a young man brought me water and a young lady was asking if I wanted a drink. Mentally I already knew what I wanted, but sat back to take in the moment and ordered white wine and said I'd look over the menu. I didn't think I was read but as busy as they were in there if I was nobody had a chance to make a big deal over it. My waitress returned and I ordered my meal, sipped my wine, and "people watched." My dinner arrived just as I was finishing my wine and my server offered to get me another glass...what the heck...and I didn't think about the tone of my voice when I replied "sure." This got me looked at real-hard, and as she departed I could see her pointing me out to one of the other waitresses. Uh oh. A few minutes went by and the other waitress brings me my wine, looks at me real hard, smiles, and walks away. Now my mind began racing and worrying about what they were saying or thinking.

Light-bulb-on Discovery No. 1 - Hey, it didn't matter. I was here to eat and enjoy my dinner and I wasn't going to let others impressions get in the way of my good feelings. That realization, and the calming effects of the second glass of wine, caused me to relax.

It may have been that my fears were unwarranted because no one made any particular notice for the rest of my dinner. My waitress asked if I enjoyed my meal, did I want dessert, or was I ready for the check. I ordered coffee, and sat back to drink in the scene for a while longer, and then left my money (and healthy tip) and departed. Walking back out caused no stir, and I was getting used to not being noticed as out of the norm. It was still warm, but there was now a cooler breeze blowing that felt absolutely delicious in my new dress. Darkness had begun to fall as I started my walk back to the condo, and the sun was setting in shades of gold and red on the blue sky. What a great day.

Off To The Races

The next morning started off warm, as it is want to do in August in the south. I was up early and decided to jog, and so took a quick shower and shaved, and dressed in my Champion sports-bra and bike shorts and my short wig. I planned it would not be too long or too hard a run today, and grabbed my headset radio and headed off to the beach. A residential street runs parallel to the ocean at the first set of ocean front houses, and this is usually a good place to run with a smooth surface and no traffic.

Lots of folks walking, jogging, and biking this early though...must have been other type-As. I got "Hi'd","Good Morning'd", but not read, and that was a big ego boost. As I walked off the last 1/4 mile back to the condo I was starting to think about what my plan would be for the day. Breakfast...another shower...light makeup...hey why not take some pictures, and then head to the beach.
So the plan was set, and I got ready. How much makeup is light makeup for a T*? Most GGs would not have much on at all but I knew I needed something, and so I opted for a SPF 11 light coverage Clinique, and some lipstick. Now what swimsuit to wear. The one-piece was definitely more conservative, and I felt pretty comfortable in it and had worn it before on the beach, so here goes. I topped it with a short denim coverall-type of dress that I'd used as a cover-up before, and put a scrunchy in my hair and got my towel, beach bag, sunglasses, sand chair, and book and I was off. It is only a short walk to the beach, and while I did see folks out they didn't take any particular notice to me.

While not deserted this stretch of beach is not very crowded, and I settled in to catch a few rays. It started to get hot and so I walked down to the water to cool off. What a great feeling as the cool water rushed over my legs, and I dunked under only keeping my head up. I came back and sat in my chair and tried to read but really just wanted to people watch.

I was really feeling comfortable in my femme persona, and didn't think about being read. After a couple hours I was ready to go and so I walked back to the condo. I decided to get cleaned up (another shower, quick shave and makeup) and go out for lunch at a restaurant in Rehoboth, a short drive away. Many thank to the ladies at The Renegade who made lunch and the afternoon relaxing and enjoyable. This is the premier gay resort/dance club at the beach, and is connected with both a lounge, restaurant, hotel, pool, and pool-side bar, where I ended up. Although I was the only one dressed, which did cause some discussion, I was welcomed and made to feel comfortable.
In one sitting I got to meet Alma Jean, a FI performer who bills herself as the ugliest Drag Queen in captivity (not true); Kathi, who does a lot of work for the club and was a fixture at the bar that day; Kathi's "little sister" who really wasn't little or a sister, who was also helping out with making the place look good; Fantasia, who was just there like me to relax and have fun. I can't forget Ed the bartender, Wayne the manager, and the other patrons. In talking with Fantasia and Kathi I was complimented on how I looked ("you look really good...right makeup for daytime...need more blush...blend the neck a little more...but you look really good"), and a comment from Ed about needing "big balls to carry that look off in daytime."
Kathi and I talked a bit about her and my situations...we both have two young kids we love so much...and talked of electrolysis and hormones, compared makeup tips and the various aspects of the "scene" in Rehoboth Beach. The highlight of the Renegade between now and Labor Day is the appearance of Christopher Peterson, a FI illusionist from Toronto who was performing on Thursday and Sunday nights. He is described as truly amazing in his on-stage transformations into famous personalities and songs in his own voice. Other performers who were on the bill for this week were Dominique and Gladys Kravitz doing karoke in the lounge, and Alma Jean doing comedy.

"Light-bulb-on" discovery No. 2 I made upon reflection was that I had not interacted on this kind of a basis before, with strangers, when not in the sanctuary of a group or a companionship of a friend...I've always been with other T*s or with a gay friend at a gay establishment, kinda the token "het" having no interest in men there for sexual companionship. But in trying to define a stereotype I had to answer the question of where I fell on the spectrum...as a TG madly in love with my 'tolerant' but not 'enthused' spouse, what does that mean in this context? Mardi Clark wrote an interesting article a few weeks ago in TG Forum discussing this very subject and maybe that's why it's on my mind. I came to the conclusion (no startling revelation) that wherever IT is on the defined spectrum it's OK to be different than the norm if you can find the balance of comfort and satisfaction in your own personal situation, and you are better off happy and relatively content than depressed, anxious, and worried about the judgment of others.

I departed The Renegade just before 5, as I had to be back at the condo to receive a phone call at 6, and again the drive back didn't warrant any undue attention from the other drivers. The evening would be a bit less eventful. I was still stuffed from lunch and decided to eat a light supper in. After a leisurely meal I took a walk down to the water and as darkness began to fall I was treated to another beautiful sunset over the bay. The lighthouse began to shine as the stars popped out and I walked back home. Day 2 was another winner.

Saturday was going to be a hot one, with the humidity at 100% as the day started. This is usually the busy traffic day here at the shore because most rentals are Saturday to Saturday, and lots of the week-end crowd drives up in the morning. I planned a full day at the beach, and packed a lunch and lots of water in my bag. Today was going to be a two-piece day, and so I did a close shave and repeated the light makeup, and put on lots of sunscreen. I topped my suit with a T-top and pull-on shorts. There were more people on the beach today, but it still wasn't blanket-to-blanket crowded.

I was really getting used to not being noticed, and didn't think about passing or not passing very much. One appearance advantage of having been out in the sun a lot this summer was no tan lines on top (which I'm sure would be a bit unusual for most GGs); one disadvantage was my speedo bikini tan lines didn't match up with my new two-piece suit (a distinct white strip!). Oh well.

A group of 5 young-20s women set up camp next to me, and while I was close enough to be in earshot I really couldn't make out all of their conversations. Luckily from what I could hear their discussions didn't include me. I did the same as any other beachgoer...if you get hot go down to the water to cool off and walk back to the chair. I was conscious about losing my 'tuck', especially after swimming, but the cold water and tight suit kept things in place. I was getting into the scene "people watching": the families building sand castles; the mommies who seemed to have all the responsibility for trying to take care of their kids; the parade of teen girls walking by and trying to be noticed by the lifeguard; the "powerwalkers" really pumping hard as they zoomed by; and the lazy strollers seeming to only go a few steps with every wave.

Skin-cancer scares be damned...I was catching some serious rays...and I kept applying sunscreen to my white strips to keep them from burning. As I finished my book I was getting more than a little tired, and as the afternoon wore on I decided to call it a day.

What would the plan be for later: Drive back up to the Renegade for dinner and the late show? Cook "in" like last night and hang close to home? Go out to supper and do something else? Whatever it was going to be I needed a shower after my day in the sand, and so I cleaned up, shaved, and dressed in a short floral romper and sandals, and decided to have dinner out. A short drive away is a restaurant called Tom & Terry's which has great food at good prices. The folks in the bar there know the other Andy, and so that was off, but the restaurant is in a different section and so I headed there.

On arrival I was read immediately (nuts) as the hostess asked "can I help you sir?" I said one for dinner, and she walked me to a booth at the far end of the place, kind off by itself but with a water view. My waiter came by, who was young, tan, and may have been gay...I don't know these things. He remarked "wow, you're sure dressed nice tonight! That's a good color for you." I said thanks, and ordered a white wine and looked over the menu.

The waiter returned and went through the specials d'jour, and I decided on the local tuna. My server remarked "we don't get many ladies like you in here, but don't worry, we won't bite...this is a friendly place." More patrons started to arrive but no one was seated at the table next to me, which was fine as I was facing away from the entrance and toward the water. Out the window I watched a windsurfer doing a good job of following the wind (didn't go down once!) and soon my food arrived. The waiter really put on the dog, asking if I wanted extra this or that, fresh ground pepper, etc.

Great To Be A Girl

By now every table was filled and I ordered another glass of wine and settled into a great meal. Lots of boats of all kinds were out this evening, everything from pontoon "party-boats" to jet skis, and the bay was alive with activity. I was deep in thought when my waiter returned and asked "a penny for your thoughts." I had viewed this scene many times before but never appearing as a woman. I responded "it's great to be a girl on such a pretty night," and he rolled his eyes and smiled. "How about a complimentary dessert?""...the cheesecake here is to die for!" How could I refuse, and I said "oh, why not...sure. That would be nice." He was back in a heartbeat, and brought the cake and coffee saying "I thought you'd like this too." I said thanks and thought back to being "sir'd" on the way in and not thinking that the evening would turn out as well as it had. I paid my check and left him a "huge" tip for good service and better feelings. The sun was now setting as I drove back to the condo, and I was thinking that this turned out to be a good day...no make that a great day. It was great to be a girl tonight.

Sunday morning is usually a quiet time at the shore. The partygoers are trying to sleep off a boozy night; the families are getting up and organized for the day; even the joggers are fewer and are going at a slower pace. I got up and decided to jog before it got too hot, and slipped on a T-shirt and shorts and hit the road. Today I would need to clean the place and prepare to drive home and return to my other existence and my other persona. The thoughts raced through my mind as I rounded the 3-mile turn around point. It really was a good experience all in all over the weekend. I definitely got read, but I didn't worry about it. With few exceptions the people I interacted with reacted either positively or at least non-negatively. Could I live like this always, that is as a non-op TG? Was this really a mini-RLT or more a carefully planned experiment where many of the variables has been managed? I didn't have the answers...I still don't...but I did do a lot of thinking. Back at the condo and out of breath I headed for a shower and breakfast. Now the real work would start. As only one person I wasn't too hard on the place but I had a job cleaning from stem to stern. After another shower, light makeup and my short wig, I dressed in a sleeveless shirt and shorts and packed the car and hit the road. In three hours I was home to my same old life but with a different perception of it, and my place in it.

Can three days make a difference? Perhaps...

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