Transgender

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Dear Rachael,


Got something on your mind? Would you like to talk it over with Rachael?
Drop a line to Rachael and she'll help you as much as she can.

Dear Rachael:
I really need some help, everyone I've tried to talk to haven't answered my mail or don't want to know. I'm 29, biologically male. Since I was 8 years old I felt different, I preferred playing with girls, I started borrowing my mother's underwear and clothes.

My parents didn't like this and they liked it even less when they found when I was 14, I had bought my own briefs, bras and pantyhose. My parents then started with the "Boys do this, Boys DON'T do this" treatment which only made me feel worse. I don't "cross dress" as a rule, as my body is the wrong shape for most of the clothes I like, but I do wear control briefs, to smooth my front, and pantyhose regularly. I prefer shaving my chest and legs, but I was given a hard time where I work over doing this. Do I sound like a possible candidate for SRS? How do I start the procedure and is it expensive?

Helen

Dear Helen:
You are a far cry from being a SRS candidate. You may be a cross dresser only or just may enjoy feminine things. I would recommend that you see a Gender Counselor in order to work out just where you are and the direction that you are heading.

I don't know what kind of work that you are in, but clearly it is one where others know what you are doing and wearing "underneath." You are either awfully conformable with presenting yourself in that fashion (good) or you are doing it as an "in your face" thing (not so good and dangerous, too!).

Should you end up on the SRS end of the transgender spectrum, you better have a nice nest egg set aside. Costs can be a little as $7k, but more than likely over $10k. There will be considerable convalescent time too! Rachael




Dear Rachael:

I'm a TV/TS going through a sex change. Can you respond to this message. I am looking for others in the same category.

MARRILYN

Dear Marrilyn:
I don't think so . . . you are not going through a sex change, that is. If you were, you would have been in therapy and very much exposed to the SRS (pre and post op) community. I am guessing that you are fantasizing about the possibility, which is quite all right.

Please write back and introduce the "real Marrilyn" and present her issues and questions.

Rachael




Dear Rachael:

I am 28 years old and have been together with my girl friend for two and half years. Our relationship is quite hard at times, especially as she doesn't know about my feminine side or should I say didn't. For such a long time I have wanted to tell somebody, only one other person knew from my child hood. However two days ago she found some lingerie right in front of me and well the time had certainly come to let her know. She seemed to take it quite well and so the following night I planned to let her experience my transformation, it was really nerve racking how would I look in front of her. Finally after going through with it, the next few hours were spent showing her my wardrobe and her asking me lots of questions: Like what makes you dress and what do you get out of it? Am I attracted to men? She also asked if I would prefer to be a woman? You see, I like to dress as often as I can and perfect my passing but also don't want t loose her. On one hand I feel wonderful that somebody has experienced feminine side but where do I go now?
Happy but unsure,
Sasha
Dear Sasha:

It sounds like you weathered the being discovered well . . . or shall I say your girl friend did? It's always harder to accept by being surprised than being told, up front. The questions that she asked you are pivotal ones for her and your relationship. She may not want a girlfriend for a lover or may not want you if you desire to be with men as a woman. She may not even want a guy in a dress at all. A lot depends on where you are going with all this and how accepting she is. If you do not know, seek counseling for your sake and hers. It is far better for both of you to end this relationship NOW than for you to live a lie only to break up later. It will hurt either way, later will be far, far more painful.

Rachael




Dear Rachael:

I saw your posting on the TGF book and wanted to drop you a line. I'm a 43 year old TG just out (past month) and trying to figure it all out. It sounds like you've been there already, and come out just fine!

I appreciate being able to discuss some of these issues with you and get your opinions, esp. on the transgender issues

As I read your last post my heart really went out to you. What you must have gone through! I'm so glad to hear that you made it. Sometimes the truth is a bitter pill; it makes us better, but at what a price!

I'm also glad that you found someone else. That must be a real comfort. I have to tell you, being alone for the rest of my life is a big fear right now.

My marriage of 19 1/2 years is just ending, even as I write. We're separated and will be formally divorced by the end of the year. It's not because of my Cross gender issues and there's no animosity; we've always been best friends and I hope we'll stay that way. But, as a married couple we've been a spectacular failure. I think its stubbornness, and an unwillingness to admit defeat, that kept us together so long. Now I wonder how I can ever find someone who will love me for who I am becoming. I suppose that is a natural fear, but its real to me nonetheless.

I'm in central Indiana, in the middle of the great, flat Midwest. SF and the bay are my favorite spots in the US, but my job and family are here for the present. However, I do travel extensively for my job, and try to make it to SF several times per year, usually over weekends. If you have contacts you think might be helpful, I may be able to take advantage of them over time. Also, if you know anyone out this way, I'd love to hear from him or her. Networking works well for me.

Regards, Valerie

Dear Valerie:

I am sorry to hear about your dissolving marriage. You say it has nothing to do with your transgendered issues but I'll bet is does. For some reason or another, wives have a hard time admitting that it was those very issues that caused the discord (really, it would be understandable if they did). It often seems that it is veiled with claims about other things. But alas, that's fast becoming water under the bridge for you and in time you will be free to pursue your newfound self without guilt. Will you ever find another? There is a very good chance that you will. What will make that relationship endure to start with will be "honesty" right up front. If it's a woman, maybe not the first date but if it's a man, definitely before intimacy looms (and/or after SRS). The best advice is to go very slowly in coming out and see a counselor, early on in the "coming out" phase of your life. As far as finding friends locally, look here on this web site; this also applies to the Bay Area also . . . best of luck.

Rachael

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