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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

Everything A Woman Should Be

By Linda Kaye

I often find that I am influenced as much by music as I am real life events. Recently, I heard a song, name unknown, in which these words were sung, "You are to me, everything a woman should be." At first, I reacted as a gender woman, applying the words to my sisters and myself, but after some thought, I think these words are also applicable to our transgendered partners.

Throughout the last 10 years, I have worked with the transgendered and their partners, for the most part, wives of crossdressers. For many of these wives and partners, a major issue in learning to live with their partner's transgendered side is to first question their own womanhood, as well as sexuality. One of the first thoughts many of these women have had is, "I must not be woman enough for him, and therefore, he crossdresses." Of course, this is a fallacy but their fear is not. Somehow, we women have been led to believe that it is our duty to be a perfect symbol of femininity, of sexual attractiveness, and subservience to our male partners, and again, this is a fallacy.

As I've matured through the years (grown up emotionally,) I've discovered that it is of primary importance that I be who I am, and not someone I think my partner wants. I need that freedom to express myself, be it the best parts of me, or those parts which may be irritating, clumsy, not so nice. I need to understand who I am and to undertake to change those parts of me I don't care for. I need to be honest with myself. All this is part of simply being a human being, as well as being a woman.

If that is the case with those of us who are gender women, then why should we expect our partners to be less than they really are? Do we love them simply as we think they are, or should be, or do we love them unconditionally, as we expect to be loved?

All relationships are vastly different from others. We cannot expect our relationship to be that of another couple. It is unfair for partners to put upon the other unrealistic expectations, and unfair to join with them, planning to change them into what they want them to be. Behavior can be changed, but the fundamental person inside cannot. Thus it is with the transgenderism of our partners.

I recently had a wife write to me, saying that she felt major resentment against her husband because she believed him to be a virile, macho, man's man. She had married him, she said, because he played sports, had lots of body hair, and seemed exactly what she thought a man should be. His revelation of his femme side blew apart her mental and emotional images of who she thought he was. She told me that she had never really known him at all. I have to agree. Rather than go into this man's mind and heart, she had created what she thought was the perfect man, and when he didn't turn out to be that image, she resented it and blamed him. I blame him for not sharing all he was with her, before they got married, and I understand her shock when he finally did tell her. He allowed her to believe that he was someone else until the pressures just got too heavy to hide any longer. However, she, too, has responsibility in all of this, because she couldn't look beyond the outer image of maleness.

I am, to myself, what I believe a woman should be. I am strong, loving and affectionate; I am intelligent, honest and kind. I am sexual and unafraid of admitting that or trying new things to improve my sexual expression. I admit my faults and I try to change behaviors I know are not productive. I recognize my limitations, physical and mental, and simply get on with the joy of being a woman. I have the joy of loving, and being loved by, my partner.

If I can do this, can I expect my partner to do less? If there is a feminine side to my partner, and a need to express it, then I feel I would be very selfish to expect him to have to hold that part within himself, or say that it is wrong. Although my partner is a genetic male, there are parts of that inner person which are feminine, and I cannot deny that the femme side needs to be expressed. I want my partner to be, everything that she believes a woman should be. She must have that freedom, if our relationship is to flourish and be mutually fulfilling. I cannot expect her to be what or who she is not, anymore than I can expect myself to be less than I am.

Loving unconditionally encompasses both the good and not so good. A relationship requires hard work by both partners, constant communication, constant giving of self. I expect my partner to give to me just as much as she expects me to give to her. Love is the channel in which flows the nourishing waters of a truly meaningful relationship. Each partner is nourished when the other lets them be who they really are. If done right, the relationship provides trust, understanding, a cocoon of safety and appreciation of the other.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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