The Vampire's Lair
Soda Pop Buzz
That club lass, Angela Gardner and I have been recently
seen at the Friday
"Shaft" party at Shampoo in Philadelphia. A transgender
support group-type (yes, there is a special look to these types of women)
approaches me and sits about three feet away from me on a couch in the lounge
area. I look at her and she smiles back. She then proceeds to slowly inch
her way towards me, then stops and waits a minute before inching again.
She's still looking at me. After I get back to my conversation with Angela,
the transgender support group-type gets up and walks away. Huh? What the
hell?!
Hey, people! Don't be shy! I don't bite. I'll just laugh at you. (I'm
kidding!) Just walk up to me and say hi and I'll say hi back. Promise!
By the way, thanks to the three kids from Atlanta who waved and blew
kisses to me while I was dancing atop the platform at Shaft. Love you,
too!
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Like my Boris and Natasha tee? |
A friend joined my wife and I for brunch recently at The Astral
Plane,
that cozy, quaint, and romantic (and gay friendly, too) little restaurant
located at 16th and Lombard in Philadelphia. We sat at a table on the second
floor next to a window. Propped up against the window was a photograph of
Lisa Rage, Miss Gay America 1993, in all her majestic drag queenliness.
The Astral Plane is one of my fave restaurants. Their menu changes seasonally
and the decor is quite unique and unusual (mismatching furniture and tableware
and a ceiling parachute representing clouds). Our friend had "Valerie's
French Toast" which was extra thick slices of hallah bread mixed with
raspberry cream cheese. My wife had a Western omelette made with extra huge
chunks of tomato, red pepper, onions, saltless Canadian bacon, and Bourson
cheese. Their omelettes are to die for, by the way. I had the "Cancun
Style Brunch" which was grilled chicken and shrimp in a mango salsa
drenched tortilla. My usual selection for brunch there is "George
Clooney's
Brunch" which is grilled Filet Mignon with eggs and potatoes.
I recently got hooked on pho (pronounced "fuh" or sometimes
"foo"), a Vietnamese beef noodle soup that is not only good for
you (you can't go wrong with rice noodles and beef), but actually tastes
great. For a paltry $5 price, you get a very large bowl full of rice vermicelli
noodles in a broth seasoned with five different flavorings (including ginger,
onions, scallions, basil, and cinnamon) and your choice of any combination
of different "meats" (everything from quality eye round steak
to beef brisket to book tripe). The raw meats are thrown into the steaming
hot broth and the broth slowly cooks the meat right in front of your eyes
(kind of like fondu). Personally, I like the eye round steak and beef brisket
for additional flavor. As I was eating the eye round steak, I thought to
myself, "They should be putting meat this good in Philly
cheesesteaks!"
The next time you visit South Philly, do not stop by the cheesesteak places
like Geno's, Pat's, or Jim's on South Street. Instead, try a delicious bowl
of pho and a glass of coconut juice at Pho 75 located at 1122 Washington
Avenue.
By the way, those of you who know me know that I love food, so just because
I recommend a place, don't think it's because it's gay or transgender-friendly.
I don't like limiting myself to restaurants that cater exclusively to (or
are frequented exclusively by) alternative lifestyle people because there's
a whole world of great food out there. Those who limit their choices of
food places are doing themselves a great disservice.
Grrr... the Princeton Tigers should've gone to the Sweet 16. Many of
you know my alma mater is Penn and, while I greatly respect Quakers basketball,
the Tigers were a really hot team this year. The Quakers will win the Ivy
title next year. You heard it here first.
This is what I'm hearing from the working woman these days: I don't have
time to paint my nails. I don't have time to dry my hair. I don't have time
to style my hair. I don't even have time to wash my hair or get my roots
done. I don't have time to defuzz my legs. These are the complaints being
made by the very same women who expect everything out of their ideal man.
Wake up and smell the roses, bitches! If you want the perfect partner,
you're going to have to pull your weight (and keep it down, too) and do
something about your ugly asses. Fix your hair, your face, and your fuzz.
Nobody wants a greasy, hairy ape woman! Take a hint or two from the sleek,
feminine crossdressers out there.
Okay, enough testosterone. Let's inject some estrogen into our
systems...
Me on top of my baby Bimmer.
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Supermodel Tyra Banks has a new beauty/self-help book out entitled Tyra's
Beauty Inside and Out published by Harper-Perennial. It's a softcover
book that reads more like an issue of Cosmopolitan than your usual
beauty/self-help
book (check out the tacky tear-out coupon for Cover Girl makeup products
in the center of the book). Topics include skin, makeup, hair, health, fashion,
alcohol and drugs, relationships, and self-loving.
Those of you with sensitive eyes may wish to try Almay Amazing Lash
Waterproof Mascara. The product claims to thicken and lengthen lashes
and last up to 16 hours.
Revlon has produced a bunch of wicked cool colors called
LavenDare.
Like their Virtual Violet counterparts from two years back, LavenDare colors
are hard to wear and require just the right kind of occasion to wear them.
L'Oreal has introduced a bright, almost winter holiday-like, green called
Grass Roots in their Meta Morphosis line.
Orly has introduced a new line of nail polish called Satin
Hues that gives your nails a matte finish (read: dull-looking). Hello,
McFly?! Painted nails are supposed to be shiny!
Picture this. You're walking around Manhattan's Park Avenue at 9:00am.
You pass by a number of women wearing lots of gaudy jewelry, very heavy
makeup, big hair that doesn't move, big fur coats, short skirts, and sky-high
heels. They walk in exaggerated steps, move and swerve their hips and arms
with utter flamboyance, and talk with voices that resemble a cross between
sandpaper and a frog. Sounds like a bunch of drag queens coming out of an
all-night dance club, right? Well, no, you'd be wrong. It's scary, but these
are genetic women and, yes, these kinds of women do exist in real life.
Hey, hey, was that THE Queen Mary ship in Long Beach that all
the stars who attended the Academy Awards stood and poised on for hours
before the big show? The same ship that hosts all of those awesome drag
parties?

I hate cornball glamour poses like this... but they're cute with a girl
like me, right? |
Allure Magazine has published their parody of the
Oscars called
The Glammie Awards. The nominees for best drag queen of 1997 were
Lady Chablis in a blue beaded and sequined gown and big silver earrings
in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Mick Jagger in a red
satin dress as a cabaret performer in Bent, Pam Grier in
flight-attendant
garb in Jackie Brown, Hazelle Goodman in hot pink vinyl lace-up shorts
in Deconstructing Harry, and Fran Drescher in those deliciouslt tacky
prints in The Beautician and the Beast. America's fave drag queen is...
Fran Drescher. Hey, why weren't Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino (Romy and
Michelle's
High School Reunion) chosen as nominees?
The Miss Northern States USA female impersonator pageant comes
to Philadelphia on Saturday, April 11. Check it out at the Mandell Theatre
at Drexel University.
That funky shoe manufacturer, Chinese Laundry, just came out with
a new ad featuring two very sexy club girls wearing floppy wigs and dresses
made up of a hodgepodge of very bright and very wild fabric designs. For
those who don't already know, a couple of my platform shoes are made by
this company. Also check out Aldo and Steve Madden shoes while
you're at it. Nine West has some awesome snakeskin pumps out. |
The search for the ultimate shoe insole continues. Dr. Scholl's
makes a horrible line of products that just do not work. Do not be a sucker
for the promises on their packaging. An insole less than one-eighth of an
inch thick can never truly be comfortable. The foam latex foot cushions
are okay for two or three wearings before they fail to do what they originally
intended to do. I'd place my money on the gel insole products over both
of these. There are two types of gel insoles, one that has its gel encased
in a firm, thin shape and a second that also has a firm shell but allows
gel liquid to flow freely inside the shell.
Marie Claire has a fun article in their April issue about the
future of sex and designing our own sex organs. "By 2040, genetic
engineering
will be refined to the point where everyone can select their looks. This
will result in many women choosing to look like Pamela Lee and men wanting
to look like Brad Pitt. Because of human error, the technology will go haywire
and 10% of the population will end up with Pamela Lee's breasts and Brad
Pitt's penis. This mutant breed of bisexual hermaphrodites will emerge as
the trendy new 'in' crowd."
Another article in the same issue states, "The most flattering shade
for eyes, lips, and cheeks: pink - no matter what your skin tone."
Say what?! Sorry, honey darlings, it's brown.
Kalina's Tip of the Month: If you like to wear attachable breast
forms, then you should wear a bra or a support top to hold them up, otherwise
you will develop stretch marks similar to many naturally large-chested
women.
Well, hope you had fun reading my column this month. If you would like
to find out more about me, check out my Web
site!
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