By Angela Gardner
August! Look out girls the Dog Days of Summer will
soon be upon us. You know how hard it can be to get dog hair off of a
little black dress! So, be careful out there when the dogs begin to
accumulate. But seriously...
You Want Paralysis? Try This
The en vogue treatment for wrinkles these days happens to be a
deadly bacteria. You hear me right ladies, women all over the country
are getting Botulinum Toxin A injected into their faces. Not just one
shot, but about 12. (OK, it's a little needle, but still...) It seems
that one of the lesser known wonders of modern medicine is that one
of the most lethal toxins this old rock we call a planet has produced
is just what the doctor ordered for those of us who are vain, and
desperately struggling to keep looking like we're under thirty. OK,
maybe forty.
Botulinum Toxin A is the bacteria that causes Botulism in canned
vegetables that didn't get processed correctly. It's also pretty good
as a germ-warfare agent.
Hello, Mr. Hussein? Your Botulism Toxin A is here. Where would you
like it put? Where the UN won't look? Yes sir.
The commercial name for this nasty little brew is Botox. It was
approved by the FDA in 1989 as a treatment for spastic eye muscles.
It helped the eyesight of plastic surgeons and dermatologists who
soon saw dollar signs in using it as a wrinkle treatment. How's a
deadly bacteria stop wrinkles? Well girls, what causes wrinkles?
Sure, the sun, and Botox won't help with those kind of wrinkles. It
fixes the wrinkles you get from using your facial muscles too much...
smiling, knitting your brow in concentration, excessive grimacing.
You know, like RuPaul. Oh wait... that's a smile. Right.
But, you get the picture. The skin wrinkles 'cause the facial
muscles crease it in the same spots over and over. The answer? Inject
the deadly toxin. (Horror movie music here.) It paralyses the muscles
that make
the wrinkles and viola! No more wrinkles. Also no facial
expression where the muscles are paralyzed. (This might be a good
line of work for those natives in that Indiana Jones movie. You know,
the short guys with the blowguns.)
The effects of Botox are so apparent,to those in the know, that
women getting the treatments are called, "the zombies of Bergdorf's."
(Shot of blank faced matrons walking through a black and white,
upscale department store, "Must buy expensive outfit... charge it,
charge it." Oh, the horror!) And you need the kind of disposable
income enjoyed by people who shop at Bergdorf's have in order to afford the
treatments. They can cost $1600 a visit in the Big Apple. That's for
a treatment that wears off in four to six months. Being wrinkle free
for the rest of your life could run into some money.
And, there are possible problems. Can you say "side effects?" If
it's used around your mouth, and it's not applied just right, you
could end up with a six month drool problem. Anybody know where I can
get a deal on a drool cup?
I have a much cheaper alternative to Botox. Tighten up your wig.
As a male (yes girls, it's true, sometimes I crossdress in men's
clothesthe white cotton Jockey shorts make me feel so
empowered) I have a few furrows in the old forehead. En femme and
bewigged that space is much smoother. The reason? The tight headband
of my wig cuts off the circulation in my forehead, and after a few
hours everything up there is numb. Yeah, it takes awhile for the pain
to go away, but after that you're smooth and youthful. And oh, the
tingling as the blood comes back when you take that baby off! So
forget the toxic injectionstighten up your wigs for beauty.
Disney... Again
I tell ya, there's gotta be a queen working over at
Disney. The latest project they have announced is a television movie
(probably to be shown on The Wonderful World...) called
In Your Shoes. The film stars Vivica A.
Fox , David Alan Grier and Rue
McClanahan. The plot concerns a pro quarterback dad and
feminist mom who exchange personalitiesbut not bodies. Kind of
like the old Star Trek episode that had Captain Kirk
stuck in a woman's body while she took over the ship in his body. Or
there's that movie where the mother and daughter switch bodies. This
kind of body swapping has been going on in movies for years. Usually
there's some kind of mad scientist or magic at work. In this case
it's all thanks to the couple's meddling children and some
old-fashioned New Orleans voodoo. Yeah, the kids put the gris gris on
'em... in a Disney way.
These body switch movies, while a treat for the actors, who get to
act like the other lead character, aren't as satisfying for us
transgendered types. I mean, we want to see David Alan Grier dressed
like Pam Grier, not just acting like a woman while looking like a
man. Oh sure, everybody learns wonderful lessons about gender and all
that, but at least a good old fashioned criminal impersonation movie
like Mr. Headmistress shows us a guy in drag.
Jumping On The Band Wagon
Warner Brothers will not be left out. They've got a transgender
sports film in the works, too. It's called Juwanna Mann,
and it's about a flamboyant, Rodman-like, pro basketball player who
gets kicked out of the NBA for life. Whatta ya gotta do to get that?
Kill a coach?
The player (not yet cast... I wonder if a red head around 5' 11"
is tall enough? I can't play B ball, but heck, it's a movie) really loves the game and will do
anything to play again. Yep, he joins the WNBA and
passes himself of as a female basketball player. Wesley
Snipes would be great in this, but then again, he's still
trying to shake off To Wong Foo. He's looking
more than a little butch in that new vampire flick (Blade)he's got coming
out.
I can just see the hilarious shower room scenes now. Oh well, at
least this one will give us a guy in a women's basketball uniform...
hey, that's just like a guy's basketball uniform. There better be a
few off the court scenes. I suppose the owner of the women's team
will probably be head over heels for his new player. It always
happens in these flicks. (Ed Asner's character
in Ask Harriet had to be beaten of with a stick. I'm not
gonna type the punch line. I'm not that kind of Diva.) Perhaps we'll
be treated to a romantic dinner scene in which the team owner makes
like an octopus and the crossdressed player trys to avoid receiving a
pass.
This could be good, or it could be really bad. Let's send plenty
of warm, fuzzy crossdresser vibs toward Hollywood, and maybe it'll
turn out OK.
A Little Foreign TG Film
Actually it's not a completely TG film. It's just that I haven't
paid any attention to the other aspects of its plot. All I know is an
old artist dies and his friends and relatives come to pay their last
respects. They all have to take the train to get there, hence the
title, Those Who Love Me Can Take The Train. It's a long
title and it's even longer in French, France being its country of
origin. It's directed by Patrice Chereau. (I know a
woman named Patrice, but this is a man. At least everything I've read
tells me he's a man. God, it's so hard to tell the players without a
scorecard, anymore.)
The TG part of the plot concerns a young woman
coming to the funeral. This will be the first time most of these people have seen
her as a woman. Vivianne is a pre-op TS. What manly, male, sex
symbol, movie star plays Vivianne? Well, his name starts with a V,
also. Vincent Perez , best known as the star of the
second Crow movie, The Crow: City of Angels, signed on
to play the transsexual character. Looking at him I think you'll see
that he has potential. I have surfed the Net till my computer
crashed, and I haven't been able to find a picture of Vincent as
Vivianne. I even spoke to his accountant in Los Angeles, but she
wasn't too helpful. I will persevere, however, and as soon as the
publicity photos are released I will get one in my column.The film
has not yet been released in the States, but someday it may jump the
pond. When it does, you'll hear about it here.
The exciting part about this picture, for girls like us, is the
attitude Perez had about taking on the role. He said he wanted to do
something as an actor that was the total opposite of himself. He had
been talking to the director, who he has been associated with since
the beginning of his career, about a project like this for years, and
when it happened, although he had doubts about his ability to play a
female part, he lost himself in the role. In an interview for
The
International Herald Tribune he said, "It was a secret for
a year. There was no Vincent on the set, just Vivianne." He expanded
on that in an interview for the Internet's Film Scouts.
"The fun part of it was that when we started shooting, probably
thanks a lot to my co-actors, there was no longer a Vincent. There
was only a Vivianne. My name wasn't even on the call-sheets,
Vivianne's was. I got into the character and then a few days later,
something strange happened, total immersion, I just let go. So
Vivianne began to exist in lieu of Vincent. Mostly because everyone
around me believed that was the case."
Here's a regular guy, a heart throb for women around the world,
becoming immersed in a female character. He says later in the
interview that for a long while after the shooting wrapped he would
wake up feeling feminine, and find himself sleeping on his side, not
his normal sleeping positionthe position Vivianne slept in.
If I can ever get an interview with Vincent Perez I have a lot of
questions to ask. If anybody hears about a US release before I do,
please let me know. Boy, immersing yourself in a female
characterand getting paid big bucks to do it. To paraphrase
Dire Straits; That ain't workin'. Ya get your money for nothin' and
be a chick for free.
Get My Good Side
 But enough about famous
actors, what has The Diva been up to? Well girls, one night as I
prowled the nightclub scene I was stopped by a nice gentleman who
asked if he could sketch me. I promptly struck a pose (speaking of
which... happy birthday Madonna. She's Jack
Benny's age this month (39), or at least that's what I hear)
and the artist drew my likeness on the back of a promotional flyer.
Since it's only a line drawing I must tell you my hair was blonde
that night. Here's a small version of the finished product. Kind of
vampy, isn't it? Vampirey? (Shades of Miss Isato) Visit the Gallery
for a monitor filling look. (I love line drawings, no wrinkles.)
Also, just this month I journeyed to the Big Apple for a little
birthday party for my old pal Tina Lindsey . We used
to do the clubs in NYC back in the day, and when our party, which
included fab cabaret performer Jerry Scott , barged
into The Oaks on Grove Street in lovely Greenwich Village, we proved
that we can still cause a rumpus. Tina took over the piano for a
couple of tunes, and Jerry accompanied other members of our party and
then belted out a couple himself.
Speaking of belting... the hostess of the evening was the talented
Ruby Rims . (She's a Saturday night regular.) She
did a number, without the benefit of amplification, and she more than
filled the room. As they say on Broadway, that girl's a belter. She
also has a big heart. Every December she takes over another club in
the Village, Eighty Eights, and puts together a show to benefit
Teddycare, the Christmas Teddy Bear Drive for Hospitalized Children.
She put's together a whole cast of talented impersonators
and performers and they do four nights for a good cause. If you want
to help some kids and see some men in dresses, you can't go wrong with
this one. Contact Eighty Eights at 212-924-0088 as the season gets
near and find out when the shows are scheduled. The talent is
different each night since the performers all have other commitments.
That means you can go all four nights and buy the kids a few bears.
I'll see ya there.
That's it for The Diva this month. I'll be back next month with
all the news that's fit to transform into electrons. Trans-form...
get it? I kill me. Air kisses!
The Diva is a busy woman who just can't read every page on the web and
every newspaper. If you come across any juicy dish... or a picture of
Vincent Perez in drag, send it along to The Diva.
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