Freud was the first to say it "Secrets make you sick." Mostly when
a person keeps a secret from another in a relationship, the
relationship gets sick and many times the keeper of the secret gets
sick too, or bored, or angry, or out of control. Mostly he lives in
fear! I should know. I lived in fear for almost 40 years, fear that
my secret, the secret that I enjoyed wearing dresses, would be
discovered and my life, as I knew it, would end. My relationships
suffered. I didn't have any real friends when I was a kid. I learned
to settle for keeping a certain emotional distance from my roommates
and other friends in college and I was lonely for many years even
while married to a wonderful woman who loved me the best she could.
Oh, dressing up and being feminine was fun, but the pink closet in
which I primped and preened was stifling and claustrophobic. I really
didn't have much room to grow. I wanted to grow. I wanted to bloom as
Stephanie!
So one day I decided that I had had enough of hiding my candle
under a bushel basket. I needed to let my colorful and pretty light
shine. I met Sofronia in cyberspace and she introduced me to Sharon
who became a real friend. Stephanie stepped out of the closet and
began to shine, glow, sparkle radiating warmth and happiness in ever
widening circles.
The image of circles is appropriate to describe my joy in
introducing Stephanie to the people in my world. The first,
innermost, circle that learned about Stephanie was my family, my wife
and three children, and that happened about 16 months ago. It was
pretty scary to do, but went really well. Suzanne is feeling much
better about Stephanie these days, not so fearful. I told my children
(24, 21, 17 years old) about Stephanie and they were all amazed,
amused, and mostly understanding, but when I asked recently if any of
them would like to meet Stephanie in person they all declined. Since
then they have all seen pictures of Stephanie and declared her
"cute." I respect their feelings and someday I know they will feel
comfortable meeting Stephanie. I will not force the issue.
Next I revealed Stephanie to a group of friends that live far
away. They are a part of a personal and professional development
training group that I meet with in Santa Barbara, California. This is
an outer circle of people that have turned out to be very supportive,
but being geographically distant, do not have an impact on my
everyday life. In the same way, my sisters in my Tri-Ess support
group are a part of this outer circle too.
But the circle of people that seem to be the hardest to tell about
Stephanie is the one in between the inner and outer circles. This
would include my friends and acquaintances in my hometown of Winona.
Thinking about telling this circle has always produced a tight
sphincter and tiny beads of sweat! These are the people I live with
everyday friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc. If I told them, would
my social life, job, standing in the community be in jeopardy? Oh my,
fear again! I don't want to live in this fear! So last month I did
something about it! I meet regularly with a small group of friends to
study the ideas in the book, The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron.
Since Stephanie is an intensely creative part of me, I knew I had to
share her with the group sometime and last month was that time! Well,
it was very interesting. No, no one ran screaming from the house!
There was shocked amusement around the circle of four women and one
man. The topic of the meeting that week was to share pictures of
ourselves from times in our lives when we felt especially happy!
I waited until all the others had passed around their pictures and
told their stories. I found myself being very animated and commenting
on how everyone looked so lovely! I was really nervous knowing that I
had two of Stephanie's Glamour Shots sandwiched in between one
picture of me at about 8 years old looking so proud wearing one of
those little cardboard mustaches that I had gotten out of a Cracker
Jack box at Brookfield Zoo in Chicago and another one of Suzanne and
I about a year before we were married, looking young, dapper and in
love. I had realized that since that time 29 years ago, I had never
been truly happy until last year when Stephanie arrived on the scene!
Well, I could put it off no longer, so I told the group that I had
some special pictures to show them of me when I was most happy a year
ago July! I told them that I had been hiding something for about 40
years and that I couldn't continue my relationship with them without
them knowing something more about me! I said I was a little afraid. I
guess I was shaking a little bit and my voice was vibrating with
emotion! Then it came out! "I enjoy cross-dressing and this is what I
look like when I do!" I passed the pictures around the room! There, I
had done it! Whatever was going to happen was going to happen! There
was some stunned disbelief from my male friend and nervous giggles
from the women. Then there was a flood of questions. I sat back and
answered all the usual queries. We were all breathing pretty deeply!
Then Suzanne served the cake and coffee and the conversation got
philosophical and almost everyone made some kind of supportive
statement. It was quite interesting AND quite delightful!! The
youngest woman in the group leaned over and told me that she had
actually dated a CD in college several years back, "He was a theater
major!" My friend Ray's response was the most interesting. He wanted
to know if I had ever been propositioned by gay men while dressed. He
is a middle-aged artist and has "suffered" for his art, even to the
point of being accused of being gay.
Overall, much learning and laughing (with me, not at me!) took
place. Shortly thereafter the meeting broke up and everyone left. I
got big hugs from two of the women who had never done so before!
Everyone had been touched by my honesty. Suzanne and I just looked at
each other and smiled. It was a good night!
The next day Suzanne met two of the women for lunch. We both had
been wondering how our lives were going to change because of the
revelation the night before. My CDing was the primary topic at the
table.
Suzanne said that the women were both quite thoughtful and
empathetic. One, Ray's wife, said that her and Ray had talked for a
long time after they left our house about why people are so afraid to
reveal who they really are! She said the conversation was stimulating
and enlightening. The other woman said that she felt very protective
of me, because our small community in S.E. Minnesota was quite well
known for its intolerance of people who are "different." Overall,
Suzanne was pleased and gratified by the warmth and support of her
friends.
So, I did it! There is no going back! I don't know how this will
all progress but I do know that I continue living in integrity and
loving every minute of it!! I have confidence that this circle of
friends respects my privacy as well as my honesty and integrity. Will
Stephanie become common knowledge around Winona? I don't know! But I
am not quite as afraid as I once was! Hmmmm, very interesting!
So the in-between circle is beginning to experience the sparkle of
Stephanie. And, you know, my life, as I knew it, HAS ended! But a new
and much more wonderfully healthy life has begun. Keeping the secret
is never going to make me sick again. And the circles of my life are
becoming like the soft ripples in a quiet, peaceful pond after a soft
pink flower petal kisses the surface, sending out ever widening
ripples that reflect the radiance of love that is Stephanie in my
life.
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