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GenderArticles #31

COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

By Gianna E. Israel
©1998 Gianna E. Israel

GENDERARTICLES is a syndicated column featured monthly in TG-FORUM, the Internet's most respected weekly transgender magazine. American-Online's Transgender Community Forum (Keyword "TCF") posts this column and other gender resources for our community. An entire compilation of GenderArticles and other features by the author can be found at the Gianna E. Israel Gender Library hosted by Ms. Diane Wilson. Link to that site at http://www.counselsuite.com.

Halloween through New Year's Day is an exciting, special time of year for transsexuals, crossdressers and other transgender persons. As I ponder the holiday season, I feel both grateful and delighted that transgender persons across the country are becoming more and more visible and viable within society. However, reflecting upon the holidays, I also recognize that end-of-year festivities often present a time of conflict for transgender persons. Sometimes such conflicts go far deeper than deciding upon one's wardrobe or party destinations. The holidays can also be a time to safeguard one's well-being.

Did you know that sometimes the holiday season can be dangerous for transgender persons? This is especially so during Halloween and New Year's when people's social inhibitions are loosened. Many times individuals who are not familiar with going out in public crossdressed are also not aware that others seek to harm transgender persons. While dressing up may be good fun for some, crossdressed persons are typically despised by people who hate differences in others. Be advised that going out alone to unfamiliar places can be very dangerous. This is particularly so if the party location is unsupervised or isolated, or a great amount of walking is required after parking one's car. Thus, an individual would be advised to travel in the company of others when going out on social occasions, particularly if he or she is not experienced with being dressed in public.

The holidays are also a season of self discovery for many people. Traditionally around this time of year I begin receiving a great number of telephone and e-mail inquiries from people who wish to come out of the closet, or who are interested in going out for the first time. Not surprisingly, in counseling I have heard accounts of people who felt comfortable crossdressing every Halloween or New Year's, but felt unable to do so during the remainder of the year. This in and of itself is okay. An individual who is unable to come out should not allow others to put him or her down. After all, an important part of coming to terms with who one is, is making good decisions. Making good decisions includes being able to recognize and say when one is not quite ready to make major life changes.

Once in awhile I hear of individuals who crossdress at work during holiday parties, and then to everyone's surprised remain in their new identity after everyone else has placed their costume in storage. The preceding is probably not a good idea, because transition in the workplace requires both timing and planning. For example, does a person have experience coming out? Has he or she completed electrolysis, just in case she loses her job? Those are just several of many questions a person needs to be prepared to deal with before transitioning on the job.

Feelings of disappointment and loss are also associated with the holidays. For instance, the exhilaration that accompanies going out into the world as a person likes, can later be followed by grave disappointment or letdown. These feelings can hurt deeply. Particularly once a person recognizes that he or she must return to his or her regular social role on the following business day. All too many times I have heard of individuals looking into the bathroom mirror at the office, barely able to hold back the tears or recognize the person seen in the mirror. The best way to help prevent such deep emotional distress would be to make a serious attempt at seeking transgender resources after having a crossdressing or first-time out experience. This does not mean a person should come out of the closet, particularly not without a good support team. However, it may be within a person's ability to attend a group, buy transgender literature, or even socialize with others on the Internet.

Feelings of disappointment also don't end with not recognizing the person in the mirror. More often than not holiday festivities are family-oriented occasions. Being a crossdresser, transsexual or other transgender person doesn't mean one's family and social obligations suddenly disappear. It also really doesn't matter whether a person is closeted or lives full-time in a new gender. Family and social obligations go with the experience of human living. Thus, if a person feels depressed or burdened during the holidays, he or she shouldn't feel alone. Non-transgender people as well as transgender persons are not immune from what is often called the "holiday blues." Transgender or not, the best thing a person can do to combat holiday-related depression and pressures, would be to plan activities which directly fulfill his or her needs.

What can you do to make the holidays more pleasant for you? What do you dream about doing? Is there any way you can fulfill your family and social obligations, and still enjoy life during the process? I encourage clients to write a list of things that would improve their quality of life during the holidays. Then, write that list directly into a person's calendar or schedule. You would be surprised how simple acts of self-care can help combat depression and pressure. Massage, leisurely browsing through catalogs, playing cards with friends, and having a private night of intimate pleasures. Do not forget to set aside special time for crossdressing and getting together with other transgender persons. Participating in positive gender-stroke activities are an important part of feeling good about oneself.

Perhaps the most painful experience for transgender person is being alone during the holidays. This is not an uncommon experience, particularly for those in the midst of transition. All too commonly being alone goes hand in hand with building a new life for oneself. However a person's life does not have to stay lonely. In counseling, I encourage clients to learn the difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is something a person seeks when he or she wants to be alone, and get some peace and quiet. However, loneliness happens when a person needs positive human interaction and is not getting it. It can feel horribly lonely to be abandoned by others, and especially so during the holidays when others appear to be enjoying the benefits of close social and family relationships.

If your biological or marital family disowned you, its okay to have feelings of loss. However, please recognize that you deserve better than that. You also deserve good social ties. Thus, if you are alone I recommend that you get up off your ass and adopt new family or friends. Adopt only people who respect you for who you are. Invite new adopted family and friends to your home for the holidays. Or, graciously ask others to adopt and invite you for the holiday season! In the process of inviting people to visit you, remember to ask someone to help with dish washing. Or, if you visit someone's home, offer to help with clean up after festivities. And, if someone gives you a helping of treats to take home, don't return the Tupperware container dirty, empty or late. Give some love back. Happy Holidays!

Columnist's Note: My personal thanks goes to the many people who have invited me to their homes over the years during the holidays, and extra special thanks goes to people who brought wonderful conversation, creative side-dishes and fabulous desserts to my dinner parties!





Gianna E. Israel has provided nationwide telephone consultation, individual and relationship counseling, and gender specialized evaluations and recommendations since 1988. She is a principal author of the book, Transgender Care with Donald Tarver, M.D., (Temple University Press/1997). She also writes Transgender Tapestry's "Ask Gianna" column; and is a HBIGDA member.

She can be contacted at (415) 558-8058, at P.O. Box 424447 San Francisco, CA 94142, via e-mail at gianna@counselsuite.com or visit her Web Site

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