Hoverers and Other Strangers
By Hebe Dotson
As we who dress seek unquestioned entrée to the marvelous world of women, we become increasingly obsessed with mastery of the many little details that give us authenticity. At first, we focus our efforts on looking like women -- cool, gorgeous, movie star/fashion model women. At the same time, perhaps, with the judicious use of bath oils and perfumes, we try to smell like women. Next, we do our best to sound like women, skillfully reworking a tenor into an alto or, failing in that, settling for a seductively husky whisper. There; we've fooled three of the casual observer's five senses (if we have to fool the other two, the observer's something other than casual). That's good enough, isn't it?
I'm sorry, but the answer is "No".
Assuming that our casual observer is moderately observant, we must also deceive his or her sixth sense -- the sense of how women behave. It's not enough to look like a woman, unless you plan to be a department store mannequin -- you must also know how to gesture and move like a woman. It's not enough simply to sound like a woman -- you must be able to express a woman's viewpoint in a woman's words.
Are we there yet? No.
How do we get there? We choose role models -- mothers, sisters, aunts, girl friends, spouses -- and we observe them carefully (not casually) and do as they do.
A word of warning, girls -- behind the trellises and colonnades of that glamorous entrance to the world of women, you may find culture shock.
Our role models haven't shown us everything.
Strange things go on in the ladies' loo.
I take as my text "The Gender Gap: It's a Kick in the Head," an article by Gene Weingarten in the Style section of the Washington Post for Sunday, April 26, 1998. (You can read the entire article at www.washingtonpost.com.)
Mr. Weingarten tells us about hoverers -- women who perch themselves just above unpleasant toilet seats, carefully avoiding physical contact between flesh and throne. I have no difficulty believing this, as I've encountered the term and its definition elsewhere. It occurs to me that hoverers must beware of strong crosswinds, lest they be faulted for the distinctively male sin of failing to raise the toilet seat, but if a hoverer is driven to hover, she's unlikely to elevate the toilet's disgustingness quotient by much.
Weingarten's principal revelation is something he himself had recently learned -- something that was completely new to me. Women, it seems (he was informed by his wife and daughter), flush toilets -- especially public toilets -- with their feet!
This knowledge came out of a casual Weingarten family conversation after their return to the USA from a family trip to England. Mr. Weingarten remarked that he had found it disconcerting to sit on the wrong side of a car while driving on the wrong side of the road. However, it had seemed even stranger to reach back with his left hand instead of his right hand to flush the toilet. "Hand?" said daughter and wife, incredulously -- and the unimaginable facts emerged. Women, wary of germs -- remember the hoverers -- take advantage of the protection provided by their shoes.
Weingarten, a journalist, researched his story. He queried male and female office mates -- the males were almost uniformly clueless, but most of the women confirmed the use of feet, especially when the facilities were not particularly sanitary. He went on to consult experts in the field. A woman who heads a potty parity movement in Wales told him about power hoverers -- women who actually stand on the toilet rim (I wouldn't want to try that in heels) -- but confessed ignorance of foot-flushing. Other experts, however, including a human factors analyst (male) for a toilet manufacturing firm , agreed that yes, many women and even a few (effete?) men routinely flush with a quick kick to the handle.
Do I believe this?
My first thought was that the Washington Post had had decided to extend April Fool's Day to a full month this year. Their Sunday Style section is renowned as a bastion of potty humor. And yet...my sensitive, well-tuned hoax detector didn't go off. Weingarten's article appeared to be serious humorous journalism.
Are we witnessing the birth of a new urban myth? Has someone been feeding Weingarten misinformation to measure the magnitude and speed of myth propagation? That's possible, but it would have to be a truly widespread conspiracy to have reached so many of his sources.
I am a trained, if rusty, scientist. I conducted my own research. I polled my nuclear family. Two-thirds of the female members (or three-quarters, depending on whose definition of female you use) professed astonishment. My older daughter, however, admitted to being an occasional handle kicker, especially in extremely grotty restrooms. She also offered an observation that clinched this whole thing in my mind -- Weingarten's story explained why she sometimes found grit on toilet handles.
My informal poll seems to prove one thing -- kick-flushing isn't a matter of womanly lore, passed on by all mothers to their daughters.
Nevertheless...
Two more thoughts occur to me. First, what other incredible things do women do? This is not an idle question. Seekers of authenticity need to know if there is more currently-unknown feminine behavior that must be emulated. Clearly, there is a need for more trained TG anthropologists and psychologists in the ladies' rooms of the world.
Second, have the genetic ladies decided to make fools of us -- at least, those of us who have not had the benefit of being raised as girls by thoughtful mothers or trained by kindly sisters or SOs?
When you are hovering in a non-hygienic ladies' room and you notice a little circle of feet outside your stall, ponder these questions carefully: Are the owners of those feet just waiting for your stall to become available? Or are they watching to see if you rise, turn, and balance on one pump while delivering a kung fu assault on the handle with the other. And if you choose to execute this maneuver, will it confirm that you're one of the girls, knowledgable of feminine behavior -- or just one of those stupid males that they've misled to disaster?
(Ed. notes: Stef Matthews reports that her SO, Doris, is a committed foot flusher. Cindy Martin's wife, Patricia, had just one comment: "absolutely"...)
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