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The Relationship

By Dr. Alycia Ellison
Part 1 | Part 2

Let us explore the beginning of the relationship.

It begins as usual, Joe meets Joan over dinner, or a show or a party. They enjoy each other's company. Is she for real or is he out for a good time. After the wine and dinner, does he expect me to go to bed with him, she muses? As for me what am I looking for, relief from loneliness, someone to take care of me, a good time or an honest relationship? With these thoughts in mind, we go out on dates, stumbling from event to event, single club or bar, crisis to crisis, ever searching for the right individual, without stopping to reflect on what is going on inside of us. We allow outside influences to direct us - parents, friends and counselors - rather than what is in our hearts. There is so much we each need to learn, and so many variables and we are inundated from sources all around us. Each with their own opinions, doctrines, beliefs. It is incredibly difficult to filter through the dogma we hear constantly, and we don't know the right questions to ask to find the true answers.

"I Have Something To Tell You"

She meets a terrific person, and again the question is he right for me? The relationship blossoms and she continues to see him, her mask of respectability glued on tightly for fear that once again this will be a cropper. As the months go on, hope turns into pleasant reality.

Then, one blissful night as they lingers over a candlelight dinner, he says, "I have something to tell you."

"What is that, Joe," she asks anxiously. "I am a crossdresser", he mumbles nervously, "you know a guy who likes to wear women's clothes."

Suddenly what began as a beautiful and romantic evening turns into feelings of anquish, shame and guilt which flood the atmosphere. She blushes and tries to hold back her tears resisting the urge to run and get away from it all. Why me? She murmurs. Shock and disbelief has taken over the otherwise perfect evening. She strugggles to regain her composure. In her mind she can see only two options, one is to immediately get up, hail a cab and leave or stay and listen to what he has to say before committing herself further.

She decides to take her fear in stride for she appreciates his openness and candor as well as his warmth and charm. As she continues to listen, she becomes suddenly aware that no two people are the same and beneath the smiling facade far different emotions run below the surface and are expressed in many different ways.

This situation is also similar to those in which a wife, fiance or a committed girlfriend finds out that their beloved is a crossdresser, not always by self disclosure but through supposedly innocuous incidents, such as finding her lingerie drawer messed up, an article missing, or finding a pair of panties in his underwear drawer.

Doubt sets in as she may believe, at first, she has somehow failed her partner and that, in some way, she has not not been satisfactory. Many times, wives or girl friends believe they can "cure" the crossdressing if they somehow just do a better job at being a wife or lover. When the desired change doesn't occur, as it won't, their self-esteem plummets and jealousy of the crossdressed persona may develop.

At this point, communication is essential and is necessary in order to preserve the relationship. In fact, as the crossdresser becomes more adept and more attractive, her feelings of worth and significance may dwindle even more.

First, because he did not confide in her and seek her help in obtaining a wardrobe, or he spent money on a wardrobe without confiding in her and it had been earmarked for something else. She may begin to rage at her partner, not even understanding why. He, bewildered and confused by this rage, may begin to withdraw from the relationship, afraid to make things worse. In this event, he has compounded the problem, ecause he doesn't understand his own need and his anguish is transmitted to his mate or girl friend. It therefore becomes necessary for the crossdresser to reassure his wife or partner that his need to crossdress is not related to her ability to be a good wife or friend.

Both partners in the relationship need to understand where the need to crossdress comes from before this issue can be resolved. It also becomes paramount at this time for the crossdresser to realize how his partner may be affected by his developing femininity and emulation of her. When wives understand the crossdressing phenomenon and realize they are not responsible, positively or negatively for the behavior, they can then start to make crossdressing a positive force in their relationship.

At this point, some wives have no problems with their husbands' other persona; in fact, they take his growing appreciation of their needs as a true compliment and the better "she" looks, the better the wife may feel. Not all wives, however, understand the motivations behind their husbands' desire to look attractive and take it is as a personal affront to their womanliness. In this case, they will either give lip service to its occurrence or not tolerate it at all, demanding that he give it up or they will file for divorce. It is for this reason, that the majority of crossdressers remain quiet on the subject, and the wife, in most cases, is the last to know, or so he thinks.

Since in the majority of cases, this is not a curable disease and in the accepted term of a phase does no real harm, except, following rejection "she" might be driven to divorce or live in guilt and shame attempting to make her life more fulfilling through abstinence, which in the long run a is doomed to failure.

The best recourse in this case is honesty, honesty to 'herself', in that he must admit to himself that it is an important part of himself and is crucial to his survival. The second stage is more difficult as he must convince his wife or girl friend that there is no alternative but to accept his femininity and there is no threat to her well-being. However, the snake in the grass in this alternative is that many crossdressers don't know where to stop pushing the envelope and facing discouragement from his wife and/or encouragement from other friends may continue on to being a full blown trans-sexual.

Based on this concept, Enigma Consultants was borne to educate couples in crossdressing relationships and to support the effort of forming a support group with committed couples. The only purpose of such a group would be to develop friendship with other couples with similar ties and take the conflict out of a beautiful and loving relationship. (To be Continued)



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