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You Don't Have to be Isolated - Healing Can Begin Right Away
By Linda Kaye
Vanessa and I have a website, which includes a Couples Page and
link to our Couples Network . Last year, we had more than 70,000 hits to
the site, and a good many of those who had looked at the web pages wrote
to us. Many of those were wives or partners of transgendered persons,
and I continue to correspond with quite a few of these women. It is
something I enjoy doing, as I have worked for 10 years with wives and
partners, in some capacity, and although I am not a professional
therapist, I care and I can be a good listener, as well as offer a good
dose of common sense in most situations.
A few days ago, a wife wrote to me, stating that our pages
“glorified” being an accepting wife or partner of a crossdresser, and
that there was no mention of the pain many women go through.
Furthermore, she thought we should add a page to the site, where women
who had “suffered” through the agonies of being partnered with a
transgendered person could post healing words for other women like
themselves.
I admit to being take aback by this letter, for I had never
thought of our pages as glorifying the accepting partner. Rather, I
have viewed our pages as a statement that there are actually partners
who accept and who enjoy their marriage/relationship with their
transgendered partner. Many of the articles on our Couples’ Page are by
other wives/partners, some of whom have walked a perilous journey to
finding their comfort zone in this relationship. Yes, some articles are
glowing about how good it can be, but nowhere do we state that it must
be this way. And nowhere do we indicate that others are not suffering.
In response to this wife, I quoted back to her some parts of her
letter, which included enough information to indicate that there were
other problems within the relationship beside the gender issues. Also,
if her letter was accurate, her husband had spent numerous, fruitless
years trying to find out who he was, and in his search, became blind to
the needs of his wife and his marriage. One thing she mentioned
was, “no matter how much I gave to him, he always wanted more.” Well, I
don’t think this necessarily is because he is transgendered; more
likely, it is because he is a selfish person, and rather than seeking a
good balance, he wanted “it all.”
It is my habit to take such letters with a grain of salt. If
there are 2 people in a relationship, then there are 2 stories. It
would be interesting to hear his side of the story. However, such a
letter from a wife is a cry for help, and you have to try to either read
between the lines or else accept what she is saying, until you get a
better picture of the situation as a whole.
Perhaps the saddest part of the letter I received from this
woman was her obvious isolation. It is something I hear regularly. It
is a shame that this wife hadn’t found sites on the Internet or a
support group earlier in all of this, before she and her husband split
up. It might have made a difference. There is tremendous help and
support for wives and partners of all transgendered people, if only it
is sought out.
There are numerous support groups across the country (and in other
countries,) and many of them have meetings for partners. The are
numerous sites on the Internet which have information for wives and
partners, as well as some chat rooms. TG Forum has articles of
interest to wives and partners every week. Vanessa and I run the
Couples’ Network, accessible through the Net, where we have many
resource couples who are willing to work with couples who need support
and information as they work through their issues.
There is a conference designed specifically for wives and
partners of heterosexual crossdressers, SPICE, which is held each July,
and incorporates both professionals and peers in a variety of programs
designed to help women work through issues, as well as have the
opportunity for dialogue with other women. SPICE also provides programs
for couples. By the way, SPICE was designed to provide anon-threatening
environment for the wives/partners, and therefore, no crossdressing is
allowed.
There are a variety of magazines produced by groups and
individuals within the gender community, as well as many newsletters,
some of which are produced strictly for wives and partners. There
are also more and more books coming out that deal with many of the
issues a wife/partner might be working through. These are available
through several outlets, such as Creative Design Services, AEGIS and
International Foundation for Gender Education. Two of Dr. Peggy Rudd’s
books are written specifically with wives/partners in mind. Jo Ann
Roberts wrote Coping With Crossdressing, as well as producing a
video with the same title. Vanessa and I wrote Life With Vanessa,
specifically for couples. And there is an absolutely endless variety of
books about all levels of transgenderism.
An exciting development recently is that we are beginning to see
more and more therapists learning about gender issues, and many are
becoming more attentive to the needs of wives and partners. Many of
these therapists are now attending the numerous conventions held
throughout the country each year, and it gives them the opportunity to
work first-hand with wives and partners. Many of these conventions have
full Wives/Partner’s Tracks. Well known professionals such as Dr.
Sandra Cole present day-long programs for wives and partners, offering
them the opportunity to work with each other and deal with issues in a
protected environment.
The point of all of this is that there is no longer any reason
that a wife or partner need feel alone. There is no need for isolation,
because the opportunities to find help are out there. When I first
became a part of the gender community, these opportunities were somewhat
limited, but that was 10 years ago, and the community has come to
realize the importance of helping the partners of transgendered persons.
There is much more that can be done, but that will come naturally and
quickly as more and more people become committed and want to help others
like themselves.
No two people are alike, and what is good for me may not be good
for another partner. Another wife may not be able to enjoy her femme
partner or deal with the issues, but simply because I am able to do
it does not glorify the accepting partner. What we want to say is that
it is possible for some women to find happiness with their transgendered
partner. We also want to say that it takes a great deal of hard work on
the part of both partners to make any relationship, let alone one in
which one partner is transgendered, work. It doesn’t just “happen.” If
one partner cannot give to the other, as apparently the husband of the
woman who wrote me could not give to her, but instead could only take,
then the relationship is not going to work.
Our website (and others like it) gives hope to those who have
none. It simply shares the success stories of couples who have
struggled through the issues and have come out of the struggles okay.
We think it is healthier than to have a page which continually rehashes
those relationships which do not succeed.
Healing begins when one knows there is hope, that things can be
good, and healing means putting the pain behind us. It may not turn out
to be exactly as we had hoped it would be....but healing is often
surprising as it works through your mind and heart.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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