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Linda & Vanessa Kaye

Class and Dignity vs. Tasteless and Tacky

By Linda Kaye

Vanessa and I have a web page for transgendered persons and their partners. It has become a real labor of love, especially on the part of Vanessa, who keeps it up-to-date. Recently, Vanessa found other sites that had a "guestbook," where folks could leave a message on the site, and she was able to put one on our pages. It became apparent rather quickly that there is an element out in Cyberspace who are not very nice people. We have had both transgendered and non-transgendered people leave really nasty, tasteless and even pornographic messages on the guestbook, and Vanessa has to keep deleting these. We also received a variety of such messages via e-mail. For whatever reason, some people find such behavior amusing and/or erotic, but to us, it is plain tacky and tasteless. It has no place in our lives nor on our website.

When I first went on-line, back in 1992, it was solely for e-mail purposes. I was involved in getting the first SPICE together, and e-mail was the easiest way to keep in touch with others involved. Once the conference was over, and information about it's success began to reach other parts of the gender community, the positive responses to the news were many. However, I also began receiving a variety of pornographic e-mails and letters to the SPICE address - one sticks out in my mind - a crudely worded missive from someone who said he was transgendered, and who wrote graphically how I "could put some spice in his life." Although I am no prude, such a letter was a bit of a shock. I realize that this (and the others) were sent for shock purposes but I found it had no place in my life and that it was potentially destructive to the good work being done in the gender community.

Likewise, we went through a period of time when there were endless exploitive talk-shows, many touching only on the sexual aspects of being transgendered, and turning some honestly expressed feelings into something that sounded perverted, although it was not. Perhaps even more cruel were the shows which exploited those who were legitimately trying to make others understand the diversity of being transgendered. I recall one local talk show in Chattanooga, who recruited a very confused crossdresser from my old support group, and put this person on a show with a fundamental Christian preacher. The poor CD never had a chance against this preacher, who railed him with comments about sin, spiritual destruction and moral decay. This was exploitism at its worse, and it devastated this CD and his wife.

No doubt there are those reading this article who say I am against freedom of speech. This is not the case, for it is perhaps the greatest of our freedoms. However, I also state that unsolicited sexual invitations and comments constitute an invasion of my privacy. "Ah, but you have placed yourself in a public forum by putting yourself on an open website and visibility within the gender community," I can hear critics say. That is true, but it isn't a free invitation for comments that are offensive. "Anyone has the freedom to say what they wish to say," may also be said. That may be true, but who gives them the right to say it to me or to Vanessa or anyone else, without invitation?

You've got to have a sense of humor in all of this, or else you can get pretty upset with what is sent you. Some suggestions we get are anatomically impossible, and we laugh, despite the crudity. I remember one unsolicited e-mail Vanessa received from someone in Italy, who wanted to know what kind of panties Vanessa wore. Vanessa was offended but I pointed out how really silly this request was and we still laugh about it.

Offensiveness sometimes comes along without sexual innuendoes - one of the worst e-mails I have been sent was a selection of jokes about someone well known who had died only 12 hours before. The person sending them thought they were funny and never gave it a thought that people might grieve the loss of someone who had radically changed the lives of so many, including mine. These jokes really hurt, for they were an invasion into my private grief. They were far more hurtful and invasive than any of the sexually crude letters we receive.

There is obviously a fine line between freedom of speech and invasion of privacy, and the debate will go on as long as freedom and this country exist. Whereas I can't deny someone the right to say something unpleasant and hurtful, I can object to it loudly by saying how offensive it is to me. Others may not be able to react as I do, and may find such commentary personally hurtful. And it can be truly destructive, especially to someone who is dealing with painful issues in their lives. People tentatively reaching out for help can be destroyed by such unsolicited hate - because that is what such comments are - a type of hate, intended to destroy, as all hate does. Our only defense, at this point, is to either ignore it, or else speak out loudly against such invasion. It is a defense which must cross lines of freedom but one which must be spoken loudly enough to be heard. We cannot tolerate offensive or crude behavior in our community, if we want respect.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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