My essence is BOTH masculine and feminine. My essence is NEITHER
masculine nor feminine. My essence is what I am. Who I am! So I
am Stephanie and Steve and love being both at various times, all the time.
I continue to learn much about myself and have fun in the process. I
would like to tell you about a quite significant event in my life that
occurred just a few months ago while I was in California.
I travel toSanta Barbara about three times each year to participate in weeklong
intensive workshops of personal and professional development. I do this
with about forty other men and women who are pursuing further knowledge
about their essence and how to move in the world to better pursue
happiness and success in whatever they choose to do.
I was just beginning
my first meeting earlier this year when I did something that I never ever
thought I would ever do. I made the move toward revealing instead of
concealing so that I might be more transparent to all those around me and
remove the burden of silence and secrecy around something that I love
dearly.
I revealed to my training group, all of whom I hold near and dear
to my heart, that I enjoy crossdressing. It was scary and exhilirating
all at the same time. There was a brief hushed moment followed by a
general hubbub of surprised gasps, gentle laughter, and even a smattering
of applause. I was trembling, but couldn't stop smiling! I wasn't
surprised. I already knew that this group of people would not run
screaming from the room when they found out one of us men liked to wear
dresses sometimes. Revealing secrets here is met with respect, and
revealing one of this magnitude is usually greeted with awe! But
still.... So I did it. And so it was!
My teachers, a wonderfully supportive couple of psychologists,
were
amused. I knew they would be. As part of the teaching moment one of them
told a brief story about a movie he'd seen with Marlon Brando in which
Brando was bent over tying his shoe as another man told him about a
heinous crime he had committed. After the crook finished telling his
story and Brando finished tying his shoe, Brando straightened up, looked
at the other guy and said, rather nonchalantly, "Ain't that somethin'!"
What a great reaction! That's all. The man I respect most in my life, my
mentor, in reaction to my revealing the deepest, darkest secret in my life
looked at me and said, "Ain't that somethin'!" Now, ain't THAT
somethin'!!!
Well, another minute went by as some of my women friends asked me
if I would dress up for them and I told them I hadn't brought any of my
Stephanie clothes along this time, but would agree to do so at our next
meeting, if they wanted. I was asked if I had brought any pictures and,
of course, I had brought a couple of my Glamour Shots. I then told the
group that I would be willing to talk about my crossdressing and answer
any questions anyone had anytime during the week. Everybody quieted down
and we moved on with the training activities.
It was all over in about 5 minutes. I felt warm and shaky all
over
but really good! I was in integrity with myself and with the group. I
could now go on with my personal development work without the burden of
trying to keep this rather large part of my joy and happiness a secret as
we talked about and explored how to get in touch with our essence in our
lives.
Throughout the rest of the day, many people came up to me with
comments of support, congratulations, and awe. I showed them my pictures
and most were amazed at how I looked. "Beautiful!" "Amazing!" "Do you
do your own make-up?" "Wow!" "Very pretty!" Many of the people were
very comfortable with all of it. In fact, one of the lesbians in the
group admitted that she liked to crossdress too! Some were a little
cautious and just sat at the periphery and just listened and didn't say
much or asked only superficial questions (Do you shave your legs?). Some
of the men stayed away and didn't say anything at all. This topic is so
hot and juicy that I'm sure my revelation stoked some personal feelings of
fear in a number of them. Issues around sexuality usually do.
Three days later I found myself having as much fun as I had ever
had
among this group of people. I had not been mocked from the room. I had
not been ignored or rejected. In fact, many people had come to me with
comments of congratulations and appreciation for sharing something so
deep, revealing, and meaningful. By the end of the week, I had shown my
pictures to everyone and everyone seemed OK around me. I must admit I had
been looking for little shifts, little signs of disapproval. I didn't
experience ANY!! In fact one of the women promised to take Stephanie
shopping and to dinner next time we were together and another took my
measurements and is sewing me a new dress!
How do I feel, several months later? Well, I must admit that I am
still processing all this! I do have a slight feeling that things have
somehow changed. I can't put my finger on it. Is there still a little
sludge of fear of disapproval bouncing around inside me? I'm not sure. I
still have a twinge of fear that maybe I revealed "too much?" Well, only
time will tell. All I know is that I am still the same, or have actually
changed for the better.
I continue to move and breathe with this in every moment. I have never
felt so alive! I feel so "in charge" of my own life. It is truly a
transition period, a move toward essence. And, heck, it's darn fun being
able to talk so openly about Stephanie, one of my FAVORITE topics, anytime
I want in a group of my best friends and peers. Now, ain't that
somethin'!?
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