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Dear Rachael:
I am a 40+ heterosexual cross-dresser who has just recently come out. I have told a few friends, have joined the local T' club and am generally learning to accept who and what I am and am finally starting to feel some self-esteem again. Unfortunately this has been at the expense of my marriage since my spouse has decided not to support me and has elected to seek a divorce.
Among the many questions that I have regarding my re-awakening is how to re-enter back into the dating scene. I am really quite reserved and the club scene and smoky bars don't appeal to me. My spouse is trying her best to convince me that cross-dressing is not 'normal' and that there are few women out there who will tolerate such behavior. I hate to think that I am condemned to spend the rest of my life as a celibate, but I am unwilling to further subjugate my personal lifestyle in order to cater to the whims of others. Can you offer any suggestions?
Thanks. Claudela
Dear Claudela:
You need not feel condemned to lead a life alone without a female soul mate. Truthfully (and regretfully) though, your market has diminished greatly. Like your present wife, most women do not embrace cross-dressing with open arms. They were brought up to believe men were men and not some guy in a dress trying to look like a woman. One of their greatest fears may be that you will want to, some day, have a sex change...and where does that leave them? They may feel that people may view them as Lesbian when they are not. I could go on ad nauseam about this, but let's move on.
It may be wise for both you and your present wife go through counseling...probably more for her than for you, though you will undoubtedly benefit as well. Select a counselor that is well-versed in gender issues. Somehow it seems from your note, that you may have already given up on making this work.
If you do get a divorce and want to re-enter the social scene, you need not do the Bar scene. Get involved in other social groups (i.e., Church, Volunteer work, Civic affairs, etc.) You will be attracted to women and they to you. Date and have a good time, but very early on in a relationship, tell them about your CD activity. They may say, "Bye!" It is far better to deal with that than a divorce again! On the other hand, you may find the exceptional woman, secure enough in her femininity that truly wants to get to know you better. I know of many such women, as rare as they may be. Good Luck!
Dear Rachael:
I'm responding to your ad in TGForum Personals.
One of the things that caught my eye, besides your nice photo, as that we are the same age. Perhaps these days its always comforting to notice that someone else, especially in this community, has been around as long as I have.
I live in the Bay Area and have been exploring perhaps more appropriately my gender issues for most of my life. The past year has allowed me much greater freedom of expression in that I took early retirement from a long career in the computer industry. I live alone and am unattached, which in many ways is a blessing; but certainly not in all ways, as I tend to isolate.
I'm taking the chance that your ad is genuine and sincere and that possibly we could become friends. At this point I'd love to find a friend I could talk freely to, share advice and tips, socialize with, and just be me. I've made a few attempts to meet people in my area, but for the most part these have been disasters. I'm pretty shy and also, I am truthfully pretty inexperienced in this area.
Dear Sara:
We come in all sizes and shapes and ages. I know TV/TS/TG folks ranging from late teens to mid-eighties . . . all wonderful folks.
While we live very close to one another, that is soon to change, as I will be moving to a new home North of Sacramento. While we could correspond, and I would love that, I worry about your comment about tending to isolate.
This is not uncommon for people in the gender community, especially those who happen to be shy. All I can say is DON'T let that happen. Get out and join even a "few" groups. Have you heard of the Rainbow Gender Association (RGA)? It is a wonderful group that I have belonged to for many years. There is also ETVC and RGA in the bay area; both TV/TS/TG groups and I belong to them as well. You will find their postings on the TGForum. Reach out and touch them. You will meet many new friends who will feel the same way as you . . . and go from there. Good luck. Oh yes, Thanks for your generous comment (and excuse the editing.)
Dear Rachael:
I've been reading all the advice you've given others and hope you can help me. Let me start with the background. I have been cross-dressing for as long as I can remember. It started with my sister's clothes, in fact that one of my earliest memories, me spinning around with the skirt flowing around me. From then on every chance I got I used to dress. As I got older I dressed more and more, going from the underwear, to complete outfits, to make up and breast forms. I am currently 24 living in Johannesburg South
Africa.
I hope this letter isn't to confusing or unstructured, I just having so many things to say.
This is something that I have been trying to sort out in my mind, why and what do I want from it? So far lots of potential answers but nothing that brings me any peace. Its has taken me from one end of the emotional scale to the other, from joy to suicidal depression and back again and again... I can't classify myself as purely a CD or anything else, I just don't know where I fit in. With the desire to dress has been the yearning to be female. Maybe its envy of what advantages I perceive women to have, maybe I desire them so much to the point I want to be one. I just don't know!
I have always felt that what I am doing is 'not right' and have kept it very much hidden. I don't think anyone in my family knows about it and I have never been caught either. The only person I have revealed myself to is an ex-girlfriend of mine. At first she accepted it and liked the lingerie part of it. As I tried to get more serious about it she thought I was wasting my time since she thought I would never pass and therefore there is no point, to not liking it at all. It's not the main reason she broke up with me, but I'm pretty sure its part of it.
Towards the end of our relationship I began to realize that the desires I have are not going to go away and I told her if she can't accept it, then we are in trouble because it's not something I can stop. Or is it something I don't want to stop? Again I don't know.
I wish someone could give me the answer I'm looking for, you are x y and z. The appropriate behavior is such and such. If I am a CD then I need to work at why I feel I want to be a woman and if it's a quirk then how do I get rid of it. I would be fine if I knew I was transsexual, at least then I would know what to do.
I haven't gone to see a therapist or psychiatrist. I'm afraid I think, partly of what they will say and partly of outing myself to someone else. I don't know how I would be able to look them in the eye and tell them everything I've kept hidden for so long. I also don't know where to start to find one, especially one that specializes in transgender people. (Excuse me if I'm using the terms in the wrong form). As for support groups, I almost went. I spoke to the lady (a GG) who organized it and found out where and when their next meeting was. On the day I was looking for excuses not to go and I didn't. I think to myself I'm not ready for it, but on the other hand it's the next step I think I have to take. I want to find out who I am.
I don't know if it's because of my upbringing or what, but I'm a very shy introverted person who finds it very difficult to meet new people. The thought of meeting a whole group of new people as my male self scares me, never mind as Lisa. I'm also not sure how I would react to the others. Part of it is age, I would feel very strange with a group of older people. Or maybe it's all in my mind! Sometimes I think I think way too much.
I've been reading about others and advice and in many cases I can identify with their stories, that's me they're talking about, in others that's not at all like me. Which leaves me even more confused.
Coming out to people... I don't know. The thought of trying to tell my family, it's like a thought you think about and go no way never! I can't imagine it. More likely I see myself moving FAR away until I can sort myself out. I often think about going to live in the States or the UK, to be far away from people I know (in other words discovery) and also to have many more resources and friends.
I don't that Lisa and Lon are that different. It's not like they can be separated with totally different character traits. Or maybe Lisa hasn't had the chance to interact with anyone, so I don't know how different she will be.
As for friends, I have one good male friend and a lot of female friends, most of whom describe me as being more sensitive than most men easier and in a lot more detail than anyone else.
There is a lot more I want to say I just hope I haven't written a very confusing letter. Any advice will be very welcome. Thanks, Lisa
Dear Sara:
First of all, your ambiguity is normal, your recognition that these feelings are not going to go away are totally correct and your increasing desires are normal. You are not, however going to come to grips with all of this at once.
You say that you wish someone could tell you if you are "x," "y" or "z!" It does not work that way. You have to discover that for yourself with the help of professional gender counseling. Even then, it will take time and what you first feel your identity to be may change over time...that's okay, too. So, first take a deep breath and make an appointment. If you don't like one counselor, try another.
Don't worry about "coming out" to friends, parents or the world. When the time is right you will know; then again, you may decide to stay all the way or partially in the closet and that is okay. At the far end of the spectrum you may discover you are TS, maybe not. At this point no one can say.
Do try to join a support group. The first time is scary, but once done you'll regret that you didn't do it sooner. Get a member to go with you the first time...that helps.
You have been very wise in you female relationship to tell. A relationship based upon lies is no relationship at all. Best of luck on your way, Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I'm a recent out of the closet CD. Yes married for 20 years with 2 sons. My dilemma is that since telling my wife, I've found a new freedom to some extent as I can dress at least in drab most every day. We have also joined a local Tri-ess chapter.
I have found that my need to dress is becoming more frequent or I just go stir crazy. Because of my job and my wife's job, mine being Military connected and my wife home day care, we have found that keeping this a secret is a must. Or at least I thought that. Then a change occurred at work that changed my view on whether or not I want to continue working there and want to sever all ties with the Military, but finding another job isn't that easy. Anyway, because of this change the comfort level worked out with my SO simply went away and I went into a deep depression. With the help from Sisters of the Tri-ess chapter and a Counselor versed in the gender issues I'm starting my way back out of depression.
But still the hiding or dressing in drab just doesn't seem to be enough, so I ask myself should I tell my kids, age 15 and 9? Will telling them jeopardize my career because of the view on CDing by the Military. Do I quit my job and find another? Is there any hope in salvaging marriage, or do I walk away to find the inner peace I desperately need.
My wife calls me selfish because I want to dress every chance I have, could I be Transsexual and not know it? I consider and always did consider myself as heterosexual, maybe I'm really a male lesbian? Any advice would be helpful. Rachelle.
Dear Rachelle:
Go back to your counselor. You have many issues to deal with that have been left undone. See if you can get your wife involved in the counseling; her reaction is not untypical . . . she just does not understand. Life in the military as a CD/TG/TS? Not in this century or the next is my best guess. But I cannot advise you on what to do. Work out these issues and the others with your counselor. The counselor will help you to deal with all the issues so that when you make the necessary decisions you will be comfortable that they are the best that you can make. You are right, the desire continues to grow . . . hopefully you marriage will survive, but may not. Best of luck, Rachael.
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