Gender Mirrors #25
By Gianna E. Israel
©1998 Gianna E. Israel
GENDERARTICLES This syndicated column by Gianna E. Israel is
regularly featured on the 3rd Monday of each month in TG-Forum, the
Internet's respected weekly transgender magazine. (http://www.tgforum.com/)
Several weeks later each column is forwarded to Usenet transgender groups,
readership (Transformatie). GenderArticleAOL's Transgender Community Forum (Keyword "TCF"),
and translated for Dutchs may be reprinted insofar as each
column, introduction and author contact information remains unaltered.
Have you run into the gender mirror lately? what happened when you looked
at your reflection? Did you see a man, woman, transgender person?
sometimes looking at our reflection can be disappointing, other times
exhilarating.
A lot happens each time we look into any mirror. Certainly we see our
reflection. However if we linger long enough we can also see other
things. Seeing one's reflection can spark memories of who we are and where
we've been. This includes our disappointments and successes perhaps. Our
reflection can also spark ideas about what and where we would like to be
in the future.
Many transgender men and women feel very dissatisfied when they look in
the mirror. Occasionally seeing the remnants of their previous gender
role may make them feel regrets for what they could not experience in
their former lives. Some also feel bad about remnants of their old gender
because of other's opinions. They may have been told that they didn't give
their original gender role a chance to work, and so try to fit in, making
their life more difficult.
As a transgender woman I am quite pleased to have lived as myself, as a
woman, for many of the past years. Before then, for a number of years, I
disliked looking in the mirror and seeing traits of masculinity. However
as my life became more settled I grew to enjoy seeing those masculine
traits as long as they didn't cause problems. After all, how many women
could profess to having both pretty and tomboyish traits.
Granted, I realize some people may view my reflections as different.
There are occasions when looking in the mirror can be acutely painful.
For some, the gender may be wrong. Or, perhaps a persons facial structure
isn't as wished. Sometimes a person may just be having a bad hair day.
There are other reasons why it can be hard to look in the mirror. These
can include some outside reason, or possibly some inner hurt not
noticeable by others.
Can you think of outside reasons a person may not like looking in the
mirror? If you are like many of my clients and myself, I bet you can list
half a dozen reasons. At the top of the list is harassment and
persecution. Its sometimes hard to feel good while looking in the mirror
while much of the world is saying we look ugly, deviant, or should die.
Those people are giving us the message that they dolt care about our
feelings and that is emotionally devastating at times.
Some of the internal or inside reasons a person may find it painful to
look in the mirror are easy to understand. A person may not feel
comfortable with their gender presentation because of its newness. Or,
the person may suffer from depression or lack of confidence. The fact is,
it isn't easy being transgendered. Building the self-esteem needed to feel
good about yourself when the world is against you is very hard work!
There are a lot of issues to focus and think about before feeling good
about oneself is possible.
One of the questions I encourage my counseling clients to ask when they
look in the mirror goes as follows: Is this a person I find lovable and
respectable? If the answer is yes, you have a head start into asking that
others treat you with the same respect that you give yourself (and
hopefully others). However, if the answer is no, you would be well-served
to keep looking in the mirror until you can pinpoint lovable and
respectable traits unique to you.
Sometimes it isn't possible to find an overwhelming number of lovable and
respectable traits immediately. I know personally, during difficult times
I may have felt comfortable with my gender identity, however finding other
positive traits wasn't so easy. It took several serious minutes of
reflection. Sometimes I found it necessary to call a friend I trust and
tell them I was having an identity crisis.
An identity crisis happens most frequently when you look in the mirror and
say, who or what the hell is that? Is that a freak? Is that a complete
stranger? During times like this don't call 911! Instead, remind yourself
that you are not alone in the search for who you are. Everyone else does
the same thing, sooner or later, transgender or not. Take time to learn
what is good about yourself. Once you figure a few positive things out,
tape a note or list right next to your mirror. Think about what the list
says, and become accustomed to feeling and seeing what is good about you.
I like self-identity mirror exercises. Perhaps the neatest one goes as
follows. Some morning before you put on your clothing and face for the
day, take a moment to look in the mirror. This nude reflection you see is
who you really are. You are that much a man, woman, transgender person
and human. What I like most is that we can add to and take away from
various presentations and appearances.
We are gifted with the ability to
transition from wild and exotic to sensible and sociable in a manner of
minutes with just a change of wardrobe and makeup. Learn to recognize
this flexibility in yourself. Take into consideration the fact that the
more flexible and willing to change that you are, the more adaptive you
will become while dealing with life's circumstances.
Gianna E. Israel provides nationwide telephone consultation, individual
and relationship counseling, evaluations and referrals. She is principal author
of the Recommended Guidelines for Transgender Care, writes Transgender Tapestry's
"Ask Gianna" column; is an AEGIS board member and HBIGDA member.
She can be contacted at (415) 558-8058, at P.O. Box 424447 San Francisco,
CA 94142, via e-mail at gianna@counselsuite.com or
visit her Web Site
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