The Purge
By Linda Kaye
Life is simply not as predictable and patterned as we sometimes think it
is. It is dynamic and ever-changing. My Vanessa is quite fond of the
saying, "The only thing that is certain, is change." Though I believe all
of this, there are still some things that catch me by surprise.
A couple of weeks ago, I sent off a letter to an old friend of mine, who
is a crossdresser. We've known each other more than 10 years and kept up
a friendship, even though we live far apart. I was very surprised, when a
few days later, the letter was returned, "addressee unknown." After
verifying that the address I had on the envelope was correct, I addressed
another envelope with this person's real, male name and shipped the
original letter in this envelope.
About a week later came a letter from this individual, with a return
address which had the male name in a very larger font. This was very odd,
as not once in our 10 years of friendship had I ever had a letter from her
with anything but the femme name in the return address. Opening the
letter, I got the news....yes, you've guessed it, she purged.
It seems that my friend became very ill, went into a hospital of hell (her
description) and was told by an incompetant doctor that she was dying.
Having basically left her church several years ago, she hadn't felt she
was a religious person anymore, but this news apparently rewoke her need
to talk with her creator, and bottomline, she made a bargain: "I'll give
up my crossdressing, if you, God, will save my life." Circumstances
brought her to a new doctor, who said the first was crazy, and ultimately,
the new doctor was able to bring the condition around and my friend is now
at home recuperating. However, she decided that she had made a bargain,
and she was going to live up to it. She called a church run by an old
friend of ours, a post-op TS, and had a truck come out and gather up the
literally hundreds of very expensive dresses, suits, lingerie and wigs -
many, many thousands of dollars worth of classy clothes, and haul the
whole lot off to the church clothes closet. Next, my friend changed her
telephone number, threw out all correspondence from the hundreds of people
in the gender community she has corresponded with for many years, threw
out all books dealing with gender conditions, magazines - any and all
identity with her femme past. She has completely purged all evidence of
the probably 30 years she has lived nearly full-time as a woman, and cut
ties with all friends from the community.
She did say that I was perhaps the one person within the community she
wanted to stay in touch with because she always felt that I loved her
simply as a person, not for her crossdressing or transgendered nature,
which is true. She also stated that she felt that evidence of her
crossdressing and involvement in the gender community was a poor legacy to
leave her family were she to die and they have to clear out her belongings
from her apartment.
This story is all the more shocking to me, not because it is unusual (it
is a story oft-repeated daily within this community,) but because of all
the people I have met in this community in the last 11 years, my friend
was the one who seemed most secure in her transgenderism, taking real
delight in expressing it, and especially in her enjoyment of beautiful
things. Blessed with a steady and substantial income, this person bought
only the best from the courtiers, and was a regular customer at only the
very best restaurants in her city - always en femme. In fact, she was
really a pioneer in leading the way to coming out to the general public,
unafraid, determined to win acceptance, and she did all this very
successfully. Following in her shoes have been countless other
transgendered persons and their partners - leaving their closets and
proudly holding up their heads in public - demanding the respect they
deserved.
Perhaps the most shocking thing to me about this entire situation is her
comment that she did not want to leave behind a legacy of transgenderism.
Although there can be (and are) undesireable elements within our gender
community, as there is in all of society, I personally do not see being a
transgenderd individual as anything undesireable or wrong. The feelings
of transgenderism are as much a part of the entire being as are other
individual characteristics. These feelings simply cannot be controlled;
rather, it is the behavior of the individual that can be controlled. If a
person is a decent, kind individual, then this shows through all aspects
of the personality.
My friend has lived her "double life" for so many years, with her
feminine personality being the stronger of the two. She took such real
pleasure in wearing beautiful clothes, and acting out the part...perhaps
that is my answer right there - she was simply acting out a part. Then
again, when I think of my friend, I see how deeply her transgenderism went
and I find it very difficult to believe that this purge can last. Yes,
there are other interests in this individual's life - good books, music,
bridge, sports...yet, so much of her enjoyment came from being a
crossdresser and expressing it so elegantly. I wonder if she will become
tormented as time passes, and if she won't be torn between her religious
bargain, and the transgendered drive within her.
I feel a sense of loss - not that I have lost a friend, for I do love this
person whether en femme or in the male mode. I question myself now as to
whether my sense of loss is due to my expectations of another person, and
my reluctance to accept the changing nature of life. My shock, and
disappointment is due, therefore, to "my" expectations, and not the needs
and wishes of my dear friend.
This also leads me to wonder what my own partner, Vanessa, may be doing in
a year, ten years or even later. Will she continue to express the feminine
nature that is truly a part of her being? Or, will she change course due
to outside forces working against her path. It seems that all of the
"easy" questions were used up when I was a child. Now life's question are
no longer simple, nor are they as clear as black and white. As we go
forward each day anew, we are faced with questions that require us to
weigh and balance issues, oft times, we choose gray, or one of the myriad
of colors in life's spectrum. Yet "going forward" and experiencing new
things, new situations and new locals is what gives us real life.
In any event, I will support my friend and my partner in any decision, and
support them no matter what happens in the future. I want only for my
them to be happy and if this is the way, so be it. Friendship should have
no gender lines and no expectations.
Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender
Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.
|