Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.Inside - OutsideMost of what I discuss in this column deals with the inner struggle faced by transgendered persons, the struggle to recognize and to accept ourselves as we really are. We see that we are significantly different, not only from those around us, but also from what we ourselves have usually been raised to expect in our own development as persons. We are eventually encouraged by fellow strugglers, by knowledgeable counselors, and by writers such as myself, to be true to ourselves, to be true to our feelings, to pay attention to our inner promptings. When we do act on those promptings, the result is fundamentally and gloriously, in one form or another and to one extent or another, an outward expression of our innermost being. But the larger and more complex reality of that inner struggle and its various outward manifestations includes the equally important fact that we also live our daily lives in a world of action. Like everyone else we seek work and relationships and things and services as part of our everyday functioning. In other words, we live in an outer world as much as in an inner world. Life is a combination of inside and outside purposes, events, and efforts. The question I wish to raise is: what is the relationship between our inner and outer efforts in life, particularly as transgendered persons? This question is important because, regardless of how much we may stress the importance of inner resolve and the value of inner courage and strength, there are usually social implications and complications. How satisfied, for example, would I be with my gender change if, regardless of my self-recognition and self-acceptance, I were seen or heard, not as a woman, but as a man in a dress? Would I still have the inner strength, let alone the opportunity, to function in a rather disapproving bipolar world which does not readily accept androgynous appearances, that is, ambiguous gender identities, let alone what may come across as a poor impersonation of the other gender? What, in other words, is the real connection between my inner resolve and the larger reality of it all? Some of my transgendered friends, transvestites and transsexuals alike, say they do not care what others think, though usually it is my transsexual friends who express this attitude. The transsexual point of view is understandable, for transsexuals are usually less concerned with clothing and more concerned with being their true selves. They usually feel that being oneself is of fundamental importance, regardless of what others may think, for their very lives are at stake. Transvestites, on the other hand, tend to keep their crossdressing a secret, with varying degrees of secrecy depending upon their life situation, for they still value their assigned or given gender as their daily modus operandi. For the transgendered persons who, nevertheless, say they do not care what others think, the problem, as they see it, is society's. Of course, there is some measure of truth in this stance, but at the same time the forces of social attitude may make employment and other social involvements very difficult. Whose problem, then, is it? My own struggle with this inside-outside issue is expressed in a poem I have written, appropriately called Inside-Outside: All my life
Now more than ever
So more and more
The point is
In my own situation, where the feminine gender is my true self, my total functioning as a human being is at stake. I want to be my feminine self and at the same time I want to be part of the world. I want to stay intact as the person I really am but also be connected to, not separated from, life's events. I do not want to reject the promptings of my soul, nor do I want to be rejected by other people. I want what most of us basically want: personal fulfillment and social acceptance. Of course, none of this would have been a problem for me if I had not lived most of my life as a man. Prior to my decision to make the transition to full-time womanhood, I faced the task of managing a secret, the secrecy of my feminine wishes, the same management task which, as I have indicated, most transvestites continually face as they struggle with whatever degree of secrecy they deem important within their overall lifestyle. Following my decision to make a permanent transition, my task shifted from managing a lifestyle which encompassed a gender secret to managing a total and open change of lifestyle which contained no gender secret at all. In terms of the androgyny previously mentioned, we all have masculine and feminine traits within us. Gender ambiguity, both inside and out, may very well be a richer reflection of ourselves as persons, but, as I have already indicated, the outer mix is not what society in general can handle, for none of us, as a rule, is raised to accept the idea of a gender mixture, that is, androgyny. Outwardly speaking, we are usually identified as either masculine or feminine, depending, of course, upon one's particular society and its definition of masculinity and femininity. In any case, if there is to be some meaning to the inside-outside aspect of our struggles as transgendered persons, it is most likely in the challenge to our personal courage. Those who can handle such a challenge, regardless of the gender variation involved, deserve a great deal of credit. Ultimately, no one else can meet the challenge for us, not if we want to call our lives our own, both inside and out. Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.© 1997 by Human Dimensions & Transgender Forum |
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