
By Angela Gardner
Fine tune the Thrust
Overdriver and charge the Bernoulli Clusters my little gender
explorers... The Diva is about to blast off into the Gendersphere!
Whoa there! Boy, too much science fiction can make a girl strange.
Let's throttle back and dip into the cold, chilly atmosphere of
planet Earth in mid-November. Strange things are still happening on
this little ball of mud. A French scientist has come up with a way to
predetermine the sex of a child. He's devised a procedure which
determines the alternating negative or positive polarity of the
membrane of the woman's ovum, or egg. A positively charged ovum
attracts sperm with the X (girl) chromosome; a negatively charged
ovum attracts the Y (boy) chromosome. Is the world ready for this?
Let the philosophers decide, but please don't let 'em debate it on
the Jerry Springer Show!
Could these positive and negative charges have
anything to do with why we want to wear pumps and carry a matching
bag? Who knows what the wonders of science may reveal. Get out the
voltmeter Frenchie and bring on the eggs.
Yes!
In other strange goings on, Marv Albert returned to the
Late Show With David Letterman last Thursday night. He arrived
on stage to big applause and it was clear that the audience was on
Marv's side. He told the world the whole deal was a setup, which I
can believe, 'cause the old lover was peeved that Marv was getting
married and wouldn't be having anymore sex romps with her. He denied
any biting, claiming that the marks on his lovers' body were hickeys.
Maybe yes, maybe no. I leave that to the forensic experts to decide.
The really cool thing was that Marv admitted knowing a transvestite.
Not only that but he defended a man's right to explore sexual
variations, and said he met the TV when he was in a "curious phase."
Letterman said, "I've known you 16 years and I never knew that you
knew a transvestite." Well Dave I guess it just goes to show that
there's more that moves in heaven and earth than we mortals ken. Or
something like that. (Wonder how many TVs Dave knows, but isn't aware
of?) The audience, again, didn't seem too upset with Marv for this
revelation. The Diva predicts that Mister Albert will be back
broadcasting sports within a year, and while you will continue to get
the occasional Marv Albert joke, for the most part, people just won't
care about his sordid past.
Marv did deny wearing ladies underwear, however. C'mon
Marv, ya know ya love 'em! And, what's a panty fetish compared to
dating a TV? Maybe later Albert will admit to a fondness for
Victoria's Secret. There's still time for him to pick up big bucks as
an underwear model. Marv as the newest angel? It could happen.
Remember what pantyhose did for Joe Namath?
Tish! You Spoke French.
More on strange synchronicity. I was offered a job on Halloween.
Being an actress one is called upon to perform many demanding roles.
The producer who called me actually wanted me to be a Halloween
costume character in a mall for four hours. The choice of costume was
up to me. The gig required arriving at 4 p.m. (in Delaware) and being
out on the mall floor for 50 minutes greeting shoppers with Halloween
welcomes, having a 15 minute break and doing it all again, till
around 8.
Well, being a starving actress I toyed with the idea. Since the
Henri David Halloween Ball was that night my original thought was to
do the gig in the costume I would wear to Henri's. The idea that came
to me was to be Morticia from The Adams Family. Then,
reality started to seep in. This role would not challenge my highly
trained acting abilities. It would not provide an opportunity for me
to grow in my chosen profession, expanding my range and honing my
instrument. Besides, the pay was lousy. Another thing; after gliding
around (you know how Morticia walks) on the marble floors of a mall
all afternoon I'd have been in no shape to have any fun that evening.
So... I backed out.
It's good that I did cause the phone rang that afternoon with a
last minute booking for a quick voiceover that made me much more
money. After the v/o I hurried home and pulled everything out of the
closet to come up with stunning costume you see here.
(Photo by my personal photographer,
Miss Miranda
Thomas.) That thing I'm holding is my Spear of Power and my
aspect is that of the Mountain Goddess. I descended from my mountain
fastness to anoint the poor folk of the lowlands with the wonder of
my presence. Or some crap like that. Too bad the tip of the spear is
cut off. It's a great cut crystal from a chandelier (or floor lamp)
that was given to me by Joanne White, the Treasurer of The
Renaissance Transgender Association, Inc..
I arrived at the Ball in a much more relaxed mood and less of an
aching body than I would have had if I'd done the Halloween mall
greeting gig. And there, right near my personal photographer (did I
mention Randi Thomas?) Was the star of The Adams Family,
John Astin. Mr. Astin was in town to perform Poe's The
Raven with the Philadelphia Orchestra.
(A gig
that's a little better than walking around the mall.) He is a friend
of Henri's (as are so many) and stopped by the party at Henri's
request. Since we're members of the same union I walked right up and
we chatted at length. I even met his wife. He's a charming man, and I
was tempted to speak French in his presence so I could get my arm
kissed up to the shoulder, but his wife was standing right there.
Instead I subtly signaled my photog (Yo Randi! Take a picture here!)
and I'll always treasure the picture of myself and Gomez. Just think
how cool it would have been if I'd actually gotten that Morticia
outfit together. Ah well, that's this strange world for ya.
Disney: Gay Nights & Men in Dresses
The Walt Disney corporation has gone places Walt would probably
not have dreamed of, even in his wildest visions of Tomorrowland.
They have given gay employees health insurance for their domestic
partners, and taken taken flack from the Baptists as a result. They
have had gay nights at Disneyland and Disney World. Talk about a
Magic Kingdom, Mary. Now, they bring us a film about a man in a
dress.
It's filming now in Canada and is called Mr. Headmistress.
It airs
next season on The
Wonderful World of Disney. The plot? That old chestnut about the
guy on the run hiding out in drag. Some Like It Hot and
Nuns On The Run spring to mind as examples of the genre. In
this particular case Harland Williams (star of Disney's recent
release Rocket Man), returns from Mars to play the movie's
hero Tucker, an "ex-con and con man" who, on the run from his
creditors, hides out in an all-girls school while pretending to be
its headmistress, Ms. Bascombe. Costarring in this
fella-in-a-frock-flick is former Married With Children star
Katey Sagal. She plays the no-nonsense assistant headmistress Harriet
Magnum, nicknamed "Dirty Harriet" by the academy's students. The
producers are using a 120 year old college in the Great White North
as the set for the girl's school and the weather has been crisp. This
has of course lead to jokes about the wind whistling up the star's
dress and I'm not talking about Katey. That's a line I believe I used
last year in this column. They're stealing my material. Get my
attorney on the phone! Anyhow, here we see Williams and Sagal sharing
makeup tips and trying to stay warm on the set. Keep your eyes peeled
for this one next year and remember, The Diva told you about it
first. Unless you already read about it somewhere else.
The Last Words
Those who read this column on a regular basis realize by now that
this is the place where I feature those kernels of dish that are the
juiciest and most scandalous. Or, it's where I slip in all the stuff
I get at the last minute. In any event, did you hear about Lady
Chablis and Clint Eastwood on the set of Midnight In
The Garden of Good and Evil? In the words of one crew member
Clint made Chablis feel like an "empress." Apparently Dirty Harry
liked Chablis' vintage. When a television crew came to the set Clint
puckered up and made Chablis' day with a smooch for the camera.
Clint considered casting an actor to play the role, but felt that
while anyone could get dragged up it took someone "real" like Lady
Chablis to really get into the part. Since she was playing herself I
guess it's the ultimate in type casting.
Crossdressing is the flavor of the month on the
soaps. Last month I told you about the transgendered character on
Days of Our Lives. This month it's a couple of soap hunks
getting into drag at the Budapest airport to elude the authorities
and enter the country. Yeah, right. I know the soaps are a gigantic
exaggeration of reality, but do you think two guys who haven't
dressed up before could manage a transformation such as that shown on
the left with all the facilities of the Budapest Airport men's room?
And two girls their size are going to walk right past the authorities
who are trying to stop them? Sure, why not? Who are these lovely
ladies? It's Tad and Edmund of All My Children. Who's their
makeup person? Where'd they get the wigs? Love the gloves. They're
coordinated to the other girl's outfit. How chic.
Now, a serious moment. The Gender Identity Project of The Lesbian
& Gay Community Services Center in New York City (now that's a
mouthful for ya) are having an event called "They Lived It
OUT!" to remember and honor all transgendered people who have
died from "AIDS, illness, suicide, violence, addictions, and old
age." That means, practically speaking, if you knew anyone who was
part of the transgender community and they passed away, they can be
included. The Center is putting together a collage and would like to
get pictures, names, or articles on our TG sisters and brothers who
have passed on. They suggest you make photo copies of the original
items and send the copies since they won't be dismantling the collage
to return things. The collage will be shown at The Center on Friday
evening, January 23, 1998. There will be entertainment and a
celebration of everyone included in the collage. If you have stuff to
send mail it to: The Gender Identity Project, The Lesbian & Gay
Community Services Center, 208 West 13th Street, New York, NY 10011.
Take a moment to remember and honor those from our community who have
made the final transition.
I tell ya, it must be this living alone on a mountain, but I'm
gettin' too serious, kittens. I gotta get out more. Speaking of that
I have to run now and pick my outfit for the big Renaissance National
Benefit Auction. It'll be over by the time you read this but I have
to be Vanna White and hold up auction items. They tell me the higher
you hold the stuff the larger the bids. We should get Dennis Rodman
or RuPaul to hold the stuff up. I'll let ya know how I do at the job
next month. Till then, don't poke yourself in the eye with a mascara
wand and always wear clean panties. Adieu. Tish! You spoke French...
The Diva can't do it all on her own. She only has so many eyes and
ears. If you see or hear something dishy, don't delay, relay it to
The Diva today.
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