To My Family And Friends

By VanessaKaye

After all of these years, and all of the many things we’ve been through together, it would seem that we know all there is know about each other. Despite that, we are still worlds apart, and it’s my fault and it’s due to my fears.

Often, people are afraid of what they do not know, or understand. My fears; however, are how to be free from the known. By this I mean, the fear of losing my son, family, friends, reputation, job, bank account and so on. While many are afraid of physical pain, for me it is a the psychological pain that I find most terrifying. Over the years, I have developed a preconceived idea of your reaction to a part of myself that I have kept from you. This hasn’t been fair to you, and it hasn’t been fair to me. It has been said by some that a person’s fears are a result of the accumulation of experiences. Much as when I was young, I learned that touching the stove was an unpleasant experience, I have learned to anticipate the results of other actions. Because of this, I have been reluctant to share what I am about to share with you. There is a hope in my heart that your reaction will not be what I expect, and that you will realize I am the same person you have known, and who has been there when you needed help, a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear.

I know that you are an intelligent and observant person. I also know that over the last couple of years you could not have failed to notice my shaved hands and arms, slightly longer than normal fingernails and my plucked eyebrows. I thank you for your kindness in not prying, yet perhaps it would have been easier if you had. Nonetheless, the past is the past. We cannot change it, yet we can build upon it. I can’t say when it first appeared in my conscious, and I am beyond the point of wondering why I am the way that I am. What I do know is that I am a crossdresser and that I am comfortable with this side of myself.

A crossdresser is also referred to as a transvestite, and some times a drag queen. All of these terms focus on the outer person, and completely ignore what is going on inside. That is what I want to talk to you about. The clothing, makeup and accessories are the tools of my crossdressing, not the symptoms. This is a very important point, and one that I hope you will try to understand.

If I were a writer, or perhaps a poet, there would be within me things that needed to be said or written. The tools I would use to express these thoughts would be words, be they prose or rhymes. Along this same line of thought, what if a writer were to try to suppress or resist letting these thoughts get out? Eventually, the writer would be overcome by the inner pressure and the need to express what is inside them. So it is with crossdressing, or transgenderism. I hope that you will be able to focus more upon the gender-role than the clothing. The clothing, which is cultural, is only the external appearance. The gender-role is something that comes from within me and needs to be expressed.

I guess that it is important for me to try to make a distinction between sex and gender. I have a friend who once said, “Sex is what you do in the bedroom, gender is everything else.” While this may seem an oversimplification of transgenderism, it is about what I feel. I like expressing the feminine side of myself, yet I have no desire to be “female.”

Somewhere, within me, lies a need to express a gender that is opposite from that assigned to me. For years, it sometimes seemed unfair that I was expected to be something other than what I felt. Yet, I wasn’t really being honest. In fact, I like both genders. Rather that feeling “cursed,” I now feel blessed. I am able to experience both sides and that is not something that everyone is able to, or wants to do. This feeling took years to come forward, and I want you to know that it was not an easy journey. Yet, I am now at the point where I enjoy my femme self when she appears and I have no desire to hide her away.

I am now at the point where I can no longer hide who I am, and I do not want to hide my self from you. For a long time I wished that I could tell you about all of this, yet I wasn’t able to face the possibility of losing you. While I wouldn’t recommend that everyone be transgendered, I don’t find it a shameful thing, and it is not something that I wish to hide. I do keep my femme self “private,” but not “secret.” The word secret has some rather negative connotations, as if being transgendered or a crossdresser were something “dirty.” I don’t find it so, and I hope that you won’t either.

Being a crossdresser means that I often dress in feminine attire. I also go out in public as my femme self. When I am out as my femme self, I always try to look “tasteful” and behave in a ladylike manner. I think that my femme self is someone that you’d be proud of, and whose company you would enjoy. It would be wonderful if you’d be willing to go along, but I won’t ask that of you.

I am fortunate enough to have a partner who knows, appreciates and enjoys all of who I am. I am happy, we are happy.

Perhaps you are saying to yourself, “I knew it, but I wish that he hadn’t told me about this.” If so, I understand. And, I respect your right to believe and feel the way that you do. I only ask that you respect my right to believe and feel the way that I do. While our ways may be different, none is more correct or important than the other. I have not changed the way that I feel about you, and I hope that this new knowledge hasn’t changed the way that you feel about me.

So, where do we go from here? What will be different? Not much will change, other than that I will no longer hide photographs and other things around my home. I will not go out of my way to “shock” you. By that I mean that I won’t make it a point to be dressed as a woman when you visit. By the same token, please understand that your sometimes unannounced visits may be met by my “femme” self.

I am still me. Nothing has changed other than the fact that I have told you about a part of myself that I longed to share with you. I still work hard at my job, I still want you to be proud to know me, and my neighbors still consider me a good neighbor. In addition, you can still count on me if you ever need help. Although, I am a bit careful of my nails.

There is really no need for our relationship to change. I have been crossdressing for years, and if you have known or suspected, it hasn’t made any difference to this point. If you want to know more, I will be willing to discuss all of this with you. Yet, please understand, I am comfortable with who I am.

What I want you to know is this. You mean so much to me that I have decided to share this part of myself with you. I want you to know me and I no longer want this chasm between us. This was not an easy letter to write. Yet, I wanted to be honest with you. Our relationship means a great deal to me, and I hope it does to you, too.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis.

They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person.

They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have completed their first book together, entitled:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.





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