I am a bit taken back by this article as it is a sweet blend of fact and fiction. Thus I feel a reply is necessary. First let me outline the article to point out my major objections:
In the first two paragraphs, Ms. Freeman establishes that wives are afraid that their husband may be transsexuals. (I feel that this is true.) In the third paragraph she makes the point that our knowledge of primary transsexualism is limited. (I take objection here.) In the fourth paragraph she asks if there is a case for "secondary transsexualism?" (I take objection.) Then beginning in the fourth paragraph and flowing into the fifth and sixth paragraphs, she describes a "T" (not really further described as TV, TG or TS) that is unfaithful to the wife by developing a one night relationship with a straight man. (I definitely take objection here: What does this incident have to do with transsexualism other than to bias the reader against Tıs? It is not even identified whether or not the person involved is T!)
In the seventh paragraph she alludes to the concerns and fears of wives without really being specific. She uses a hosted television talkshow anecdote as support.(I take objection on the grounds that the support for making such statement is based upon less than solid proof.) She continues to describe the television incident into the next paragraph. Finally in the last paragraph, she states that cross dressers need to know and respect these fears on the part of their wives. (I agree.)
What I really find objectionable about this article is its bias treatment of a very serious subject: that of a married transsexual. Ms. Freeman builds an argument that she is going to address a woman's fear of transsexualism and then does almost nothing to address the issue except raise bias against transsexualism and provide advice for a person that is not transsexual.
As a transsexual dealing with this very issue, allow me to begin by saying that I love my wife very much. I in no way want to hurt her. I feel that I am extremely sensitive to her concerns and fears. And clearly, if my wife could chose, she would opt for my transsexualism to just go away, no questions asked. I wished it were that easy.
Now what about the issue itself? First transsexuals do exist, have existed and will always exist. I see no magic pill to make our transsexualism disappear. The literature is full of references to "primary" and "secondary" transsexualism. I feel this is really a red herring. Let me explain.
As a child, I tended to traits identified as "female." Every time my parents noticed this, I was shamed or in some cases, beaten. To survived my family, I had to play sports and I had to be successful at "boy" activities. I had to be successful and I did the best that I could to "prove that I was a man." There was no room for anything else. There were no counselors, no Tı support groups, no internet and no books on my dilemma available to me. Neither my parents nor I knew what transsexualism was. There were only "queers" and "normal" people. And my dad certainly wasnıt going to raise a queer! Thus, I hid my transsexualism. I was drafted into the Army and performed my duties the best I could. This eventually got me appointed to West Point. After graduating, I served a full twenty year military career. Again, this was to "prove that I was a man." I met my wife at West Point. I was very adept at hiding my transsexual nature. My wife did not find out about it until our 23rd year of marriage. I did everything I could to deny that it existed. But there were cracks in the armor that just would not go away. And this caused great internal stress. I could not talk about it to anyone and the pressure continue to build. Finally, in researching for something entirely else, I came upon an article by John Money about transsexualism. It was the first time that I had the opportunity to read about anything that fit my feelings and my situation. For the first time in my life I understood what I was, what the various treatment was for it and where to find help. Then I did see a therapist and did get help. By the literature, I would be classified as a "secondary" transsexual because of my late life realization. Am I that? I donıt think so... I have always had these feelings of being a woman. I am in fact no different than any other transsexual. I was just ignorant of what transsexualism was and through my actions took every possible means to isolate myself from it. But in the end, the truth prevails.
Am I unfaithful to my wife: certainly not in the way that Ms. Freeman would have us seem. I donıt go dressed as a woman and seek out men. There are many unfaithful men in the world: a recent survey suggested that the number might be as high as 70%. Are there unfaithful transsexuals? Certainly, but I donıt think this is a distinguishing or sole trait of transsexuals. There are transsexuals that remain true to their wives: I know... I try to be one.
The issue that Ms. Freeman apparently missed is that the wife is a afraid that her world is going to change. And it will. By my transition to womanhood, my wife is liable to insults and disgust from her family, shunning by her religion and shame by her friends. It also threatens her future standard of living, particularly if I could not hold a position of the same or better employment than I now enjoy. It is little wonder that she is afraid. Furthermore, our relationship becomes ever more like that between two lesbians. My wife is not homosexual nor did she ever want to be one. While many husbands and wives are friends, the marriage can not casually be described as a friendship. Thus this situation turns my wifeıs world up side down.
So what are we to do? Ms. Freemanıs article is particularly vacant on advice.
I would submit that transsexuals in my position first must understand their wifeıs fears and to some extent internalize them. In some respects they are not different then our own. But the transsexual also must realize that we, as transsexuals, did not address our fears over night either. It took time, in most cases, lots of time. Thus we can not expect our spouses to be accepting immediately. We must give them time. At the same time we must give them love and support if we ever expect them to understand. They will need far longer than we will to transition.
I would also recommend professional help. A transgender friendly therapist is a must. There will be emotions that need to be handled safely. No marriage is free from issues unrelated to transsexualism that will need addressing. Every marriage has destructive scripts that will be used even if that do not apply to transsexualism. There is will be high tension on both sides of the marriage. There will be anger, disappointment, hurt feelings and other emotions. Very few people are solid enough to withstand the barrage of pain and hurt that is initially felt. Professional assistance can work these issues and bring them out into the open where they can be defused.
Can the marriage be saved? I donıt know. It appears that in some situation, it can be. However, it also appears that most marriages involving a transsexual partner fail. To succeed this stress, the marriage will need a surplus of love, commitment and understanding. If the marriage was bad before the issue of transsexualism arose, my guess is that it can not survive unless the professional assistance is successful in resolving the preexisting issues as well as the transsexual issue. In some rare cases, the transsexualism may lead to a strengthened marriage since the preexisting issues may finally be resolved.
A marriage is between two people who each must love and support the other. If the transsexual issue makes this impossible, then it is best that the marriage be dissolved. But I see no reason for this if it is possible for both people to continue their commitment based on mutual support, respect and love.
Sincerely,
Gwynne