By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the gender community for over nine years, particularly with significant others and couples groups. Julie is a regular colunnist for the DVG newsletter and has also contributed to the ETVC newsletter, Tapestry and the Femme Mirror. Julie was ETVC Member of the Year for 1995. Her e-mail address is julie39@ibm.net. She may also be reached through the DVG hotline at 510-937-8432 or by snail mail to DVG, PO Box 272885, Concord, CA 94527-2885 .

Limits

When significant others find out about their partners' crossdressing, they are quite often bewildered, shocked, some even devastated. They question their own femininity; their self-esteem is lowered; and often they wonder if there are other secrets that they know nothing about.

If they find a support group, they come to recognize that their problems are not unique, that most wives have had the same reactions and fears and that in time with knowledge they may come to a better understanding of what crossdressing means and how they can incorporate their husbands' need to crossdress in their relationship.

But many times the crossdresser is unaware of these concerns and fears. In coming out to his wife, he may believe that he is now free to crossdress when and where he pleases, that he is now able to purchase clothes, make up, jewelry, and wigs at will.

He may even push his wife away emotionally, not wanting to face her reactions. Perhaps he may feel that he has lost her already, so why even try.

If the crossdresser were willing to set limits on his crossdressing when he first tells his partner, he might find that his partner would begin to meet him halfway.

Perhaps he may need to limit his activities from several a month to one or two every other month. Instead of buying two wigs a year, perhaps only one.

He definitely needs to consider his wife's feelings when he goes out - during day light hours may bother her, but she may not care about night. Going to public places may scare her, but attending a social in a private home may be okay.

She should not be pushed into going where she does not feel comfortable nor should he involve himself in activities which make her worry and fret.

He needs to recognize that consideration of her feelings is primary and necessary, and that it will take time, a lot of time, for her to become secure in her new role as the wife or partner of a crossdresser. That limiting his involvement now in the short run and being considerate of her feelings may actually benefit him in the long run when she becomes more adjusted and less fearful.

(This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.)


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