By Leslee Anthony
Let me see, there was the Bronze Age, the Iron Age and the Nuclear Age, and included in there somewhere is the Industrial Revolution and later the Sexual Revolution. The Sexual Revolution begat the Social Liberalism (maybe it was the other way around but who cares?) which begat overt transgenderism.
But, who ever heard of the TS Age?? Nobody because I just created it. It begins within the individual when she first accepts her own feminine gender identity (referring to the MTF TS) as opposed to her birth gender. It is important to note that "accepts" is not the same as recognizes, or suspects or other forms of awareness.
Each of us has her own TS Age since acceptance is such a personal and environmental thing. In today's sexual awareness and liberal society that acceptance is coming, to many, at ever earlier ages. It is not unusual for a teenager to be aware of, and accept a gender difference. In fact, there are many, probably most TS's who are chronologically several decades my junior but several decades more advanced in their TS Age.
My chronological age?? Now really, Dear, you don't actually expect a proper Lady to reveal her true age, do you?? Let me put it this way, most of you are about a Daughter, even Granddaughter age from my perspective. And that is leading into my major point; it's never too late!!
I would set my TS Age at 25, + or -- a few. (I'm my own Grandma.) Which leads to the obvious questions, what took so long and what did I do about it??
When I was quite young I realized that I was "different". I had strong feminine characteristics, such as a small bone structure, but then there were lots of skinny kids. I avoided boys if I could and had these strange feelings and desires. But, and how I hate to admit this, in the 30s, that's 1930s Dear, not age 30, nobody, but nobody even thought transsexual much less discuss it or admit it. I didn't have a clue that such a thing existed, I was merely a loner and different. This was especially true in my rural, ranch, southwestern environment. You want redneck?? Try a cattle ranch lifestyle.
Came the 40's, a war and "mucho macho" was the key note. But the feelings I had persisted. I sneaked little secret opportunities to wear my Mothers girdle, hose or anything feminine. They gave me that warm and fuzzy feeling that I never got from my boy clothing. At an age when sex was still many years away, I wondered why I had genitals. Enter the guilt trip. The 50's were no better except that my awareness grew and my guilt and confusion along with it. As an undergraduate I was a good athlete, but a thin one. I spent hours in the gym trying to bulk up, to look masculine. I got stronger but did not develop any significant muscle tone or size. With a single exception, which bothered me tremendously then and created a lot of taunting comments. My pectoral muscles and upper chest were unusually well developed, and I had, still have, quite prominent nipples. "Wear a bra" was the most common tease. (Little did I appreciate that it was to become a reality later in life.)
Hmmm, thin bones, tapered hands, slight facial hair, soft voice, large chest, high waist, firm buttocks. Now what in the world is a male doing with all of that?? In the 50's he hides them, or tries to.
Next decade, the 60's brought little change other than an increased awareness and increased closet dressing. I did, or had done, all the proper male things, married, Fathered children, took up sky diving, went hunting and learned to be profane and laugh at weird jokes and spit.
But, when everybody was laughing and confused by the Christine Jorgenson story, I was envious. Secretly I read everything I could and savored the warm passions I felt when I got, and took, those rare opportunities to be or think like a female. Internally I seethed when "they" mocked her, but externally I played the socially acceptable game of ridicule.
Today I feel a bit guilty because I hadn't the courage to stand up for a deep belief and defend my own feelings. But, understand, in the 60's a mature, adult male stood to be equally rejected if he even thought feminine. My family and income depended upon my conformity, so I conformed.
But the 70's brought a ray of hope. Rene Richards helped because she was a celebrity and through that was able to gain a certain rather tentative level of public acceptance. I for one benefited because I felt freer to speak up and express some long suppressed thoughts. By that time I was divorced and able to feel easier about my femininity. Not open, just freer.
It was then that I came of age. My TS Age opened because I admitted to myself and accepted my difference for what it is, I am a female in a male mold. But, accepting, even understanding and doing are some things quite different. I had so many years of secrecy that this sudden realization was not easy to express publicly, Perhaps it is more accurate to say, that I was not willing to risk the exposure. So many years of isolation are not easily overcome. So, I joined a TV support group, began to dress more often and took advantage of the emerging social liberalism. Still, I felt incomplete. There was something about the support groups that was not as satisfying as I had hoped. I went to meetings, talked, compared and participated in events, but I still felt sort of left out. I often asked myself why was I uncomfortable, when here I was with other males who dressed and wore nail polish?? Some were very chic and stylish, wearing quite expensive clothing and custom wigs. So what was my problem? After all those years I was finally in an MTF environment but I was not happy. Odd to say the least. But, before the 80's ended I discovered the reason for my discomfort. Basically it dealt with the difference between a TV and a TS as I perceive it. And, in retrospect, I recognize this difference through many years and multiple organizations. Simply stated, it occurred to me that the TV is a part time female who wants to look the part when it is convenient. The TS is a female and wants to be female, not just look the part occasionally.
When I attended my first TS support group I felt instant comfort, security and rapport. I was home. There was caring and understanding on a common level of being a female inside but a male outside. The question became one of what to do now that I had finally "arrived". Now, in the 90's, many hours of electrolysis and psychotherapy later, I see the world differently. Still, the nagging conservatism exists and in spite of my inner peace I experience minor uneasy "pangs". And the question of what to do persists.
Hormones, transition, reassignment surgery, the Benjamin standards and other facts are all a part of my routine vocabulary now. But, what to do??
As you can tell, or at least I hope you can, from the text so far, I did not exactly just fall off the turnip truck. That leaves some rather disturbing facts when considering hormones, surgery, etc.. For a much younger person the decision becomes one of finances. (Assuming all other factors are equal) For me the decision is not that simple. If all it cost was money then away I go, but the physical problems of an "advanced" age are not to be taken lightly. There is little, if anything hormones can do to enhance my breast development, for example. In fact, the potential for adverse side effects increases as one ages. If you need more on that subject, I suggest you contact your local Physician and do some serious research. But I digress. Anyway, my Dear, I have aged, albeit quite gracefully. I wear a natural 38-B bra, have a 30 inch waist and very little facial or body hair. What I do have I shave carefully daily when I shower. At 6 feet and 160 lb. I would be a part of the landscape if I was 30 years younger, make that 40 years. But ladies of my generation are not tall. Short and dumpy maybe but not tall.
So, here I am, a chic, quite stylish Grandma in a Grandpa's body who often quotes that old adage, "We get too soon old, too late smart.".
Regrets?? Yes, too bad that today's social environment didn't exist when I first discovered my femininity. But I played the hand I was dealt as best I could until today when I finally drew to the inside straight and hit. (Ladies do play poker you know.)
Even at the tender TS Age of 25, forget the calendar, I say to anyone who will listen, it is never too late to be the real person you are. It is the inner woman to satisfy and if the external changes are not possible, for whatever reason, then adjust. Learn to cope but enjoy being as much of a woman as you possibly can.
The gender is inside, not out.