Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.
Puzzlement and Peace
The last seven years have represented for me a long period of transition from living as a man to living as a woman.
During the first two years, while still living as a man, I attended weekly gender counseling sessions. At the end of those two years I began living full time as a woman. But it was only a little over a year ago that I began electrolysis with a certified electrologist and then a hormone program under the guidance of an endocrinologist experienced in the treatment of transsexuals. During this last year my appearance has noticeably improved, and I have really begun to enjoy my gender change.
A major benefit of that change has been a general feeling of inner peace. I don't seem to be fighting myself anymore. I don't deprecate myself or apologize, one way or another, for my existence. Instead, I feel I have a right to exist, that I have a voice worth hearing. I have opened several closet doors in my life, the gender door being the biggest one of all. I have also emerged from a writing closet as well as from a music closet, so that I now write to be read and play my trumpet to be heard. I relate better to people and generally feel more involved in life. I am not saying, nor do I mean to imply, that the world has simply opened its arms to me. There are many family, social, and vocational issues for me to face, but my self-perception has allowed me to function better, even in the face of a myriad number of difficulties.
And yet, even with the benefits of my gender change and with the inner assurance that I am doing the right thing for my life as a whole, I am still puzzled. My body has changed but my puzzlement remains. I keep wondering why all this had to be. What kind of a trick has God played on me that I have this inner need to be different from what I was supposedly intended to be? My inner life, my feelings, have been one thing, but the shape of my body has never matched those feelings. My inner and outer lives have always been at odds with one another. I tried to change my feelings, but nothing and no one could help.
At last I have undertaken to change the external aspect of my being to fit my inner self. It is that outer change which has brought with it a high degree of inner peace mixed, however, with a lingering puzzlement about it all. I doubt if my puzzlement will ever disappear. It represents a perpetual mystery, unless medical science can someday provide an explanation for gender confusion and maybe even a treatment for it. Until such time, I live with both inner peace and a certain measure of inner disquietude as I strive to resolve my gender issue the best way I can.
I am reminded of a poem I once wrote, called "I Stand In Awe," which reflects my growing realization that some of life's realities, such as my gender change, must be seen as one of life's ongoing mysteries.
I stand in awe of ultimates
that humble victory
and despair,
no matter when,
no matter where.
There seems no reason for it all,
just the mystery of each day
demanding depth along the way.
Time and space,
the great infinities,
perhaps the great divinities,
outlast all growth
and all decay.
My time,
my space
is all I really know,
and when my knowing ends,
the greater truths
are all that really show.
In order to live with both puzzlement and inner peace simultaneously, and especially without the puzzlement eroding the peace, I have had to learn, or relearn, the meaning of faith. It was with a certain measure of faith, mixed, I must admit, with at least an equal measure of inner desperation, that I undertook my gender change in the first place. But it is my faith which is now helping me to cope with life's ongoing outer challenges and especially with the inner challenge of living with puzzlement and peace at the same time. I'm not sure if I can describe that faith, that something inside of me which tells me that this or that step is the right one to take. Words and phrases that come to mind to describe, or at least point to, my sense of faith are: trust, letting go, being, self as sacred, dignity, entitlement, self-belief, awareness, courage, purpose, resolve, and commitment. What is becoming clearer to me is that my recognition and acceptance of the ongoing puzzlement which has accompanied my gender change is in itself an act of faith, for as my poem points out, there are certain puzzling realities, certain mysteries, before which one can only stand in awe.
Money, and the whole matter of simply surviving in the physical world, always stares me in the face, regardless of whether I am transgendered or not. Sometimes I become so frightened, especially as I get older, that my faith is truly challenged. I think not only of the need for money to pay for necessities, let alone luxuries, but also of the general disappointment and sadness which accompany the money issue, especially when I think about my spouse and children. If money, or the lack of it, frightens me, the impact of my gender change on those closest to me, especially in terms of money, saddens me just as much, if not more. It is that fear and sadness mixed with puzzlement which I carry around with me, even as I experience greater inner peace.
But that inner peace outweighs everything else to such an extent that I am constantly renewed in my faith and my inner mission. The more I honor myself, the more I live in terms of my true self, the more I can honor, love, and accept others and can more effectively deal with life's challenges. Facing those challenges takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage day after day. If I as an individual cannot find within myself that daily strength and courage, then I will be in big trouble with both myself and those around me.
And so, after seven years of effort and many prior years of inner misery, I now feel more of an inner strength and clarity as opposed to an inner weakness and confusion. I feel more together, more integrated, and better equipped to live from day to day. Regardless of my transgender identity (that is, regardless of whether I am transvestite or transsexual), the fact remains that I have to deal with my particular gender feelings in a way that allows me to live meaningfully and productively. Any ongoing puzzlement about it all has been offset by my increased inner peace, an inner peace that helps me, as I have said, to live more effectively with myself and with others.
Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.
© 1997 by Human Dimensions & Transgender Forum
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