Dear Rachael,



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I

have been cross dressing secretly all my life, the past has been one of shame and agony.

The last two years have brought me out of this shame and into joy. Not necessarily joy for everybody else in my life, but at least for me.

Within the last few months I have been living my life totally as a woman, what used to be in the back of my closet is now in the front. With just a few exceptions all of my hours are as a woman. My life partner treats me as a woman, some friends see me as a woman, I function sexually as a woman. My hair is long and mostly in a feminine style. At home and a few private places I dress in skirts, blouses and with a flair. Out in the world I wear very light makeup, blue jeans, wild silk shirts (with a hint of lace showing for those who care to look at me closely), flats and my purse.

The world has always viewed me as a man, in my community, in my work I am seen as a man, a strange and/or gay man, but a man. What keeps me from dressing the way I love to dress out in the world is fear. Fear of what my associates and customers will think, fear of how my community will respond, fear of how my parents will feel (if they do not know by now they must be blind and dumb). I would love to run away, start a fresh life, begin hormone treatments, and maybe surgery but I am not a runner, nor am I alone.

My life partner, who is also my business partner is also afraid. With her family, in the world and in our work she is viewed as a partner to a man, not a transsexual. In her heart she is attracted to the body of a man. From the very beginning I have been completely open to her, keeping nothing from her, it is with her love and understanding and her desire to fulfill me that my life has turned into such joy. So here I stand today, a woman in all respects except body. Within my hands are bundles of joy, in my heart is a nagging to go on, to transform this body into what I have all my life wanted it to be.

Now for my questions, which will be blunt and to the point. I have no desire to offend, nor to beat around the bush. I have a very active sex life, full of feminine desires which are fulfilled by my partner. I have orgasms and ejaculations with and without an erection. If I am taking hormones will my desires diminish, will I still have orgasms and/or ejaculations?

I can live without ejaculations, but my orgasms are one of my great joys. I am 47 years of age, will hormone treatments have any adverse affects at this age? My partner wants to know will I still be able to have an erection while taking hormone treatment? That is about it. The real hard questions at this point are up to myself and my partner. Thank you for all your help and your open ear.

Danielle

Dear Danielle:

Wow, your letter is powerful with emotions and feelings . . . that is a feminine thing that men have a hard time doing. However, I sense a dichotomy.

You seem truly on your way to SRS, but you are giving mixed messages. You and your wife enjoy heterosexual sex. You do not want to give that up, but you want to live as a woman. It does not work that way. Hormone therapy will take away your ability to perform as a male.

Yes, there are reported exceptions, but don't count on it . . . you will not be able to perform as a man. Then again, you do not want to be a man. You wife may not want to live with a girl friend . . . she may not be able to be a Lesbian. Can you pleasure yourself and your significant other as a Lesbian? It won't be the same, but chances are that you can. You can if she is willing and you are too.

You are right . . . this is a decision for both of you. What works well is that she knew from scratch and supports you. The negative is how all those folks out there that you cherish, your relatives, hers, your business associates, will accept you; no answer here, it could either way.

I suspect that your road will be full of significant bumps, but that you will not turn away from SRS, wife or not. Get a counselor, hon . . . for you and your wife. The outcome may not be what either of you desire now, but necessary if you are to have a happy, fulfilling life! I love "happily ever after stories" so if all works well, please tell!

Dear Rachael:

I wrote to you about a year ago, wondering about what I should do. I was dating a wonderful girl and I didn't want to have her "find out" about my dressing by accident. I'm sure there was something more in that letter, but I can't remember.

Anyway, we married last August (YAY!). She was getting frustrated because everything she tried couldn't "interest me", if you know what I mean. She asked what it was that she was missing. After a bit of silence, I decided how I would put it. I told her that I liked "frilly and silky things against my skin". She thought at first that I meant HER wearing that sort of thing. It was another long pause, and I told her that she misunderstood, that her wearing such things wasn't what I had in mind.

She took that rather well. Better than I had hoped; I had read several testimonies from our sisters that many SOs don't approve of such things as cross dressing. I was afraid that my wife would be the same way. Maybe there was some hope that I could get her to see my way after all, since I had this thought even when I proposed.

Karen (my wife) doesn't mind a bit. she helps me get clothes, she works at a shoe store (am I a lucky girl or WHAT?), and she is willing to try going out in public, so long as we're not in the general vicinity of home. She has become a regular on #cross dress (IRC), and she likes it there. She says that it's the only place that she can go on the IRC and not be hit-on by HNGs... :)

I know that this is not your normal cry for help. It's not a cry for help at all. I just wanted to share the experience. I read your column whenever it's posted. I enjoy it, and I agree with you whole-heartedly. Honesty is the best policy, to be sure, but timing is important when coming out to a SO. Take care. I'll see you about the 'Net... ;)

Shelley

Dear Shelly:

I am so happy that you found a lady that can accept the "real" you. The only mistake you probably made was not telling her before you married ( your letter would lead me to believe that you did not! ). Would her acceptance been soooo complete? This is the burning question. However, it seems to be working and why dwell on criticism. Good luck to you both and thanks for writing back.

Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I saw the plea for help in your column - I also live in Michigan and am a member of Crossroads and the editor of the Chatter, newsletter, in the Detroit area. There is also a TriESS group forming in the Lansing/Flint area (we have not had a meeting yet, but are in the process of setting up a place to meet and to establish a chapter, probably more toward or in Lansing). If it would be of help to Jaime, would you forward my e-mail address?

Huggs,
Jayne Nicole Dear Jayne Nichole:

Thank you for you help. I am posting here so that others in you area will be aware, as well.

Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I am a 45 year old disabled man. I have known for a long time that I have a strong feminine side about me. I dearly love all the things that woman can do. I would like to have other sisters I could talk to on the phone. I am home most of my time and can't get away. During the day there are always people around me, but at night I could talk. I have a hard time typing fast, so chat is hard for me. I have no one to talk to or dress-up with. I need other people to dress me in the morning. Do you have any suggestion for me. Thank you for your time.

Patty

Dear Patty: Why not post a personal on the TG Forum. Of course you should give you City and State so those you are interested in won't pay high long distance fees. Also, try CompuServe and AOL as they have "chat" rooms for TV, TS, TG folks like us.

Dear Rachael:

Alright here's my situation...I'm 22 years old, married and still in school. I will be for quite some time as well...I'm going to go to medical school after I complete a double B.S. I have a good 4 to 6 years left of the good old academia world, (which I love very much). My wife and I got married young as you can see. We've been together now for about six years and met when we were in high school.

We grew up leaning on each other and still very much rely on one another. Anyway, about two months ago, I came out...(place scary music here...). I actually came out a year prior in Ft. Lauderdale with a bunch of friends.(sisters). They helped me out and got me going...I needed sisters then as I still do now. I belong to a TG organization in the area and they helped me out a lot as well. Now, I mainly stay with in my established circle of sisters. These of course being separate from my other friends. So...What happened was, I came out, she freaked, now she starting to deal with it. We started therapy with a good therapist, but really, I have more information then she does...Educationally and also on transgenderism. but, she's there for my wife and that's what I really pay for.

My question!!! Yes..I'm getting there now! *smiles* I'm not sure what I am really...T.V. CD, TS and what ever other acronym lie on the grand transgender continuum. I seem only to be able to relate to T.S.'s and to be honest...that scares me. I don't want to lose my wife or my life over my need to balance femininity with masculinity. What a mess, I know! I've looked into hormones, which she obviously doesn't like the sound of! And to be honest, the side effects from a medical stand point don't look very positive either. What do yo know about the side effects? Also, do you have any idea and how to figure out who what I am???!!! This is really confusing...(please don't say, "ah, you'll know eventually!...I hate that.)

Any advise would be great.

Love ya,

Serina

Dear Serina:

Fact is, "you will figure it out eventually" if you try very hard, keep going to counseling and you are lucky! You were wise to involve your wife in counseling for her sake. Maybe you need a better informed counselor for your benefit.

But, get real: you cannot take hormones and find a balance between you male and female side. Once you are into HRT, you will lose your libido and your sex life as a male will be over. Will your wife live with you as a female in a Lesbian relationship? Probably not. Would you be happy with this if she could accept? Is it normal to be scared facing all of this? You bet! But better now than later. It will take all of your brains plus a great deal of understanding, wisdom, empathy towards your wife to get through all of this. You are doing the right things now and asking the right questions.

Good luck hon!

Rachael


Got something on your mind? Would you like to talk it over with Rachael?
Drop a line to Rachael and she'll help you as much as she can.


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