Main Library
Nightclubs
Personals
Photos
Pictorials
Chat
Hot Links
Basic Resources
Events

Help &
Reaching Us


Grieving for A Friend Who Hasn't Died

By Sheri Evans


I have been blessed to have the most wonderfully dear friend for the last 15 years. Her name is Fuschia. Over the years, we connected in a way that made us both feel like soul-mates and eternal friends. We were like two halves of a whole. We spoke often about knowing we would always be there for each other forever. I once told her of a dream I had of the two of us having coffee together at some little old turn of the century cafe, the both of us in our 70's, our long gray braids spilling down our backs. We took it as a premonition. Reams of paper and cards we have sent back and forth to each other and hundreds of hours we have spent on the phone, as she has been living in another state for the last couple years. Countless major and minor catastrophes we have helped each other through. She is simply the best friend, besides my ex, that I have ever had in my life. I have visited her a few times since she moved and she was actually the very first person that I admitted my planning transition to about 15 months ago. She was tentatively supportive but always there for me. She was the one person I could always turn to about the Hell that was my life during that time. She literally was my savior.

I recently told her, by e-mail, of having just achieved Full-Time. A few days past, and I received this e-mail back from her. She, literally the last person on the face of the planet that I would have ever imagined receiving a letter like this from:

    Dear Sheri, (Thu, 21 Aug 1997)

    I feel it is about time I was honest with my feelings. I think for some time now I've been in a state of denial. I have put off mourning Xane's passing in the expectation that I would find the same qualities in his stand-in. I feel Sheri has taken from me someone I loved and not replaced him with someone for whom I can have the same regard. I have continued in a relationship with Sheri for the sake of Xane, but I can no longer do this. So for now I must distance myself from you. I am sorry if this causes you pain.

    I've put my own feelings aside for some time in order not to do a hurtful thing, but I realize I can no longer do this. Right now I do not want Sheri as a friend. Maybe sometime in the future I may feel differently, but I genuinely feel Sheri is moving in a direction that is not something I can relate to. The narrowed focus and pursuit of things I can not share have shown me that for now we have nothing in common, therefore no basis for a good relationship.

    Perhaps it is a failing of mine, but I have never been interested in traditional "Girlish" matters. I understand you have friends with whom you share these things and am glad of it. I know you have many things to grow through and I am sorry I can not be there for you, but right now I need to distance myself from your process. I realize I can not go through it with you.

    I need time to grieve.

    This is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I do not undertake it lightly. To reject someone is a mean-spirited thing. I wish I had a more understanding heart, but right now I do not. Right now as I begin to process my grief I realize how angry I am at Sheri for taking Xane away. You may feel Xane is still with you, but I haven't seen him in a very long time. And I would rather give up hope of his return and let go, and mourn his passing, than hold onto something which is irretrievable.

    Regretfully,
    Fuschia

I was, of course, devastated and stunned. It was a complete surprise. It took me days to get over MY grief and decide how to respond. I had planned on simply leaving it at that, as I thought that was her wish. But I heard from my ex, whom Fuschia is still in contact with, that she was wondering why I hadn't gotten back to her yet so I sat down that moment and e-mailed her this reply. It was part anger, part betrayal I was feeling, part sorrow and utter regret. But I feel that I got out what needed to be said and used the opportunity to examine the whole state that I and other transsexuals in transition unfortunately find ourselves in:

    Fuschia, (Thu, 28 Aug 1997)

    I am sorry to be so long in responding. I had planned on not responding at all. Far be it from me to cause further pain to someone whom I consider to be such a dear friend so I had thought it best to just continue in the part you have seen fit to cast me in: A dead person, and respond accordingly with dead silence. I even heard from Melissa that you were worried that I might call or something after I received your e-mail so my non-reaction seemed wise. Then today I hear from her that you seem to have been expecting something from me all this time. Hmmm.

    I am sorry to have caused you such anguish. I went into this knowing that a lot of my loved ones would probably be confused and hurt by this path I have had to take. The torment that that knowledge caused me made me actually weigh this choice against the only other one I had to ever have peace. But I am afraid that either one would seem to have the same effect on friends and relatives that you are experiencing now in some way or another.

    So here I am, relegated to the rank of Ghost. And just like a ghost, I wander around my old familiar "haunts" not even aware that I am dead. I still FEEL alive. I don't remember dying. My body seems different... somehow, but I still AM the same person I was. I still have the same feelings I had before I died. The same emotions. The same connections to people. The same desires to grow and learn and advance with them. But I can no longer get some of them to even see me. I try to put my hand on their shoulder and it passes right through them. They look right at me and I am not even there. They say I am gone. I say I am not.

    Which of us is right?

    It is no small wonder that I have sought out and become so enamored of the company of other ghosts. We can see each other just fine. We can touch each other. We are friends just like the way we used to be with others when we were among the Living. We are solid to each other. We KNOW we are real, that we exist. And we are all, to a person, baffled as to why we have to be dead when we have never felt so alive before in our lives.

    In a way, your words have set me free. It has now finally set in: I AM dead. I AM a ghost. I must pass on to another dimension and no longer hang on to the one I have known all my Life. And I may not be able to take any of those amongst the Living with me, as much as I would cherish the idea. I think you are the only person in the World who could have opened my eyes up to this fact. You have exorcised me.

    I will respect your wishes and no longer subject you to the baffling chaos that is this "existence" I now have. I will not interfere with your mourning process even though as I look in the mirror, I seem to myself to still have a reflection.

    I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being there in the past for me. I always tried with every fiber of my being to be there for you too and still wish I could continue to be. You were there and you alone helped me through the most difficult part of my entire life. I truly do not see how I could have survived it without you and I am always going to be in your debt (A debt I apparently go to my grave still owing. Plus interest). I am so, so sorry that your assistance caused you such inner torment. I had no idea.

    I will always love you, Fuschia, no matter which dimension I am in. That will never change. That would be impossible. Maybe next time around we will get it right. We were so close this time; I thought we had it for sure. I am positive that we will get it eventually.

    I hope you find everything you are searching for. I wish I could be there to help you look as you were for me. I so very much wish you all the best. Take care, My dearest friend.

    Maybe someday we could get together for a cup of coffee or something?

    All my Love, Sheri

It is a difficult thing to admit, my dear sisters, but those of us who are in or going to be starting transition must face the fact that things can't just stay the same. Things we thought we would always be able to count on will slip through our fingers. We will loose many things we held precious as those around us will feel they are loosing something that is precious to them. It IS a death, in many ways. But a death from which there is a rebirth. We can not let the fear of this death stop us from achieving our birthright for we are being reborn into the person we were meant to be. Letting that fear stop us would be condemning ourselves to an utter Purgatory.

All of us are strong. We all have an inner strength that has allowed us to even live with being a transsexual to this point. We are virtually super-human! Rely on that strength. Depend on it. It will only grow as you do.

Those around us can not possibly ever really understand what we have had to go through our whole lives. It is usually pointless to even try to get them to. Some of them will support us, some of them will not. We will all have to depend on ourselves and our sisters, ultimately, to get through this journey.

Going through with transition, if it is what you were meant to do, is a trial by fire of the highest degree. But the rewards... the rewards, my dear sisters, are far more than worth the effort. The sacrifices we may have to make along the way are admittedly sometimes just too much to bear. We must all find our own method of achievement of the goal before us. But we must no longer deny WHO WE ARE! And we must do whatever we have to do to become just that: Our True Selves.


Back to TGF's Home Page