The Journey Continues: My Father Knows All
By Anne Marie Pemberton
As with most women in my place, the hardest thing
you'll ever have to do, and talk about is yourself and who you
are to your parents.
The thought of confusion, rejection, and
ejection makes the effort seemed like it might be the end of your
world. Of course a lot depends on the relationship that you've
established and shared with your parents over the years.
I knew that eventually my father would
have to know everything, and knowing the pain and confusion
this would bring him left me out in the cold so to speak. I
was terribly afraid, but the time had "come to talk of many
things," to quote Lewis Carroll.
Last year I'd had a conversation with him about my
"life style" has he referred to it; crossdressing, and
what that meant to me. Well that didn't go over to badly. It was
something that he could accept, of course no parent is ever
going to say to their "Son" Oh gee so you like dressing
as a woman" Well that's great". But that isn't like
knowing that they might in fact be loosing a son and gaining a
daughter. Some women I spoken with have had shattering
conversations with parents even about crossdressing, but in the
end, there's still some dialogue, not ex-communication...
My father understood the idea, and there wasn't any
further discussion about it, but he did note that I'd been physically
changing somehow, but he couldn't put his finger on it. So that's
where it was left; not the time for the "Full Truth"
As my first year in HRT progressed, and my plans for going full-time
are starting to take shape, I knew that soon I would need to speak
with my father. I'd be changing more here soon, face, name, and
gender status, and beginning to live full-time; I might as well
be full-time know for all intents and purposes, but I don't have
my legal documents yet; next month I hope.
In early August one
of my sisters mentioned to me during a phone conversation that
Dad really saw that I was changing, and " I believe that
he knows more then you think Anne", was how my sister stated
it. My siblings know and are fine with me as Anne Marie, and all
that entails. I wasn't too surprised with her statement because
I was beginning to appear more obvious. My father felt that he
was on the outside and looking in without knowing who he was talking
too anymore, so this really jolted me, and I knew that I would
have to speak with him too. Not wanting to just come right out
again and say " Hi Dad, by the way", I decided that
since he knew about crossdressing, then dialogue in this area had
already begun.
So being subtle, and very, very scared, I wrote
him a letter, and telling him that this was the hardest and the
most emotionally charged thing I'd ever done, and that I hope
and pray he'll try to accept this, and me as Anne Marie. Also
I found a copy of "TRUE SELVES" that I thought he should
read. On a Saturday afternoon I gave him both, asking him to read
the letter first and then the book. He said he would, and I believed,
and still believe that he knew what this was all about. For almost
a week I was going through hell, because he hadn't read anything
yet, and I was under a lot of stress at work which magnified the situation. We speak each most evenings
after I get home from work. He usually calls me around 5:30. Thursday he called as usual, and the first thing that he said
was " I'm not happy about any of this and what you're doing".I
read the letter twice ,and have just finished the book".
If you want my understanding then, that'll have to wait.
Hearing his voice made me scared. He was really pissed. But suddenly as
I stood there with tears running down my face and starting to
shake a little, he said something that's still magical today to
my heart; he said that regardless "I STILL LOVE YOU, AND
IN THAT I HAVE NO CHOICE". We will talk more when I come
over on Saturday. He told me again that he loved me, and I told
him thank you, Dad I love you too, you don't know what this means
to me, but this is important, and I'm truly sorry for causing
you pain, but you have to know". He accepted that and thanked
me for my honesty, and we hung up.
I literally fell into the arms
of a girl friend who'd come over shortly before the phone call,
and cried the tears of the living. I thought happy, I thought
pain at the same time, and really didn't know if I was felling
anything. I was stunned, and not long after that I felt that I'd
caused him enough pain and wondered what I could do to make him feel better.
Well what can you do? You must live your life too. You can only
hope and pray that by the grace of the Lord you'll be accepted,
especially by your parents, sometime along the way. My father,
God Bless him will accept me, though it's hard for him I now.
He knows now that I will be living
full-time soon, and that facial surgery will be done soon, followed
a little over a year later by GRS. He seems reluctant to discuss,
or bring up the topic, and in light of the all that has come to
pass, I understand the reason, and I don't initiate any further
conversation about my changes, unless he asks how this or that
is going. Last week, he was such dear when I spoke with him as
usual one evening; I had a bad day, a bad hair day, a hot flashing
kind of day, and my eyes hurt because of it. I told him that I
felt like a long cry, which came soon after and a bubble bath,
and I felt so miserable today. He said, " I don't understand,
but I can imagine from what you've told me how you might feel,
and you sound like you're about to cry. I love you and try to
have good sleep, God Bless you, it'll work out for you".
And I guess it's all starting to come together: next stop the
office, and loads of confusion, but support too. It's become a "whispering issue about me."
In retrospect I feel that I went about telling my
Father the only way that was open to me since there
had been some under-lining awareness in the recent past, but it's
not the same for all of us, and it's the hardest, most nerve-wracking
time that I've ever lived through thus far, but we all do what
we have to do in the long run. My approach my not have been the
perfect way, but hopefully some of this will help others, as much
as it helps me to write it.
May Jesus Christ grant us peace and guidance through
all the days of our lives.
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