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Making Sense of It All

by Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

Gremlins and Grace

The more I face my gender confusion, the more I begin to understand what gremlins and grace are all about. It seems that all human beings have gremlins of one kind or another, even if they are not fully aware of them, which is often the case, and all human beings, whether consciously or unconsciously, desire grace. Unfortunately, the road to grace is usually paved with gremlins, and road repair is not always easy. But it is not impossible either. In fact, the gremlins themselves may actually become the road. Gremlins go by various names, such as demons, dark forces, and shadows, but they all point to the same thing: bothersome, intrusive, and even destructive feelings, attitudes, and habits. Gremlins are what I had in mind when I wrote the following poem, called, in this instance, Demons:

Demons,
earthquakes of my soul,
throw me off balance
and tumble me into a chasm
of longing and fear,
where falling from pressure
of present and past,
I lunge for release,
till twisted and torn
beyond recognition,
I grasp the living ledge
of hope
and climb upward
once again.

I have had several demons, or what I am now calling gremlins, in my life. They have all made difficult my search for grace and thus for a life of enjoyment and happiness based on rewarding human relationships and a meaningful and fruitful existence. But I have never given up hope for that happiness and fulfillment, for that state of grace in which I can simply live and more freely give.

Undoubtedly the biggest gremlin in my life has been my gender gremlin, that intruder who has persistently tried to hide from me the truth about my gender identity. My gender gremlin, like all gremlins, has made me feel bad about myself, lowering my self-esteem and eroding my personal and interpersonal effectiveness. Worst of all, for most of my life I never realized that I even had a gender gremlin. I just thought that the way I felt, with all the confusion and self-deprecation, was simply the way I was meant to be. If nothing else, I simply had secret feelings. The norm seemed to be that my gender gremlin should live and I should die, if not physically, then at least emotionally and spiritually.

What has been so tricky about my gender gremlin has been its ability to hide the truth, even though I have felt its effects. Being confused about my gender identity, I did not always know where I belonged. I lived one way but felt another way and did not even know what was taking place. In my particular case, in order to resolve my gender confusion, I finally had to make a complete change of gender identity (much to my own surprise, I must admit, but especially with great relief). But regardless of the resolution one does finally make, whether as a transvestite who enjoys the identity of the other gender from time to time and thus sees crossdressing as an acceptable part, but not as the totality, of one's personhood, or as in my case, a transsexual who feels enormously compelled to make a permanent change of gender identity, the point is that, if the gender gremlin can instead keep the individual split and confused, the gremlin remains in command through the strategy of divide and conquer.

When the gender gremlin can be recognized and accepted by the person it inhabits, then the inner battle, at least along gender lines, is essentially over. What starts out as a gremlin simply becomes part of one's personal history. Gremlins fear the truth and the open air of self-awareness. If they can keep us from the truth, keep us in the dark, they can continue to live. But why should a gender gremlin, or any gremlin, for that matter, live at our expense? Are we not entitled to live, too? Is not one's very being - one's true self - the life and grace we each seek?

Recognizing and then accepting one's gender gremlin is basic to making the gremlin visible to oneself. An invisible gremlin is a dangerous, dark force in one's life. Ironically, at least in my case, out of the darkness has come a light which has begun to illuminate my whole existence. Such illumination is, for me, the beginning of the grace I have always been seeking. It is as if the exposed gremlin has become part of the road to my happiness. I am beginning to treasure my gender gremlin for the insight it has afforded me, so long as I am willing to face it and stand up to it.

However, none of this gremlin-facing necessarily makes family, social, and work life any easier. The inner gremlin may be exposed, but now the world begins to project its own fears and inadequacies onto us. The gremlins begin to inhabit family members, people at work, and even friends. The strategy for dealing with those gremlins involves patience, compassion, courage, and all the qualities of grace which our own struggle has bestowed upon us. Maybe grace can grow from grace. A graceful existence may not be recognized by some of the people around us, but does that mean we should usher back into our lives the inner gremlins, those demons and forces of darkness, which can dwarf and even destroy all that we might finally construct in our lives?

I am not saying that outer pain, often in the form of financial difficulty and social rejection, is what I want, but I, for one, can not go back to my former existence of what was in reality a living death, even if the world gives me a difficult time. To persist in the face of financial and social difficulties requires all the inner strength and grace I can develop and maintain. The point is that the gender gremlin, once seen and faced for what it is, does not usually regain its original position of power and control.

What is at stake in all of this is the true sense of self, that personal grace, without which all else eventually loses value. Not to have oneself is, in my way of looking at things, to have nothing. If a gender gremlin thinks it can ruin my life, then it had better watch out. Perhaps the gender gremlin will never fully disappear from my life; I will always wonder about it. But I believe I can tame it and make it obey me, make it mine, make it part of my life, make it a source for the grace we all seek on the road to happiness.

Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.

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