Coming out is a complex procedure beginning long before the actual moment of emergence, occurring again and again as each contact is made, and having consequences lasting long after.
Sometimes a crossdresser's exit is a well-prepared event, sometimes an impulse, and other times an involuntary act. The way it occurs sets the stage for what is to follow and can make the experience an empowering or a devastating one.
To the extent that this event is thought out and rehearsed, a person has the opportunity to anticipate various consequences and to shape the process. Or preparation may give rise to anxiety or a stilted expression lacking spontaneity and sincerity. Know yourself. Do you present yourself best in a structured situation or do you prefer to "strike while the iron is hot?" Coming out is so important; make sure you do it in a manner that is authentic and true to yourself.
Sometimes an individual is robbed of the opportunity to consider the above options. On occasion someone else "outs" him. Such acts may be malicious, insensitive or innocent in nature. But they almost always are experienced as disempowering by the crossdresser. They deprive him of the opportunity to interpret himself and his behavior to others and makes a potentially intimate communication a shallow report by a third party.
Or he may be discovered. Again, the crossdresser has lost the opportunity to pick his time and place as well as the chance to take the initiative. Rather, he is caught off-guard and finds himself in a defensive posture opposite an angry, frightened or ridiculing person.
If disclosure is on your agenda, think about the response you'd like to elicit from those who you want to know. Then consider what approach would be most effective on your part. Do not risk exposure by a third party or discovery by a loved one unless you are into shocking, frightening or entertaining others. Nobody can explain you, your needs and feelings like you can!
Dr. Anderson is a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She can be
reached at 415-776-0139.