March 23, 1997
"Dear Abby"
c/o The Sacramento Bee
P.O. Box 15779
Sacramento, CA 95852
Dear Abby:
I write in answer to the letter in today's newspaper (Mar 23, 1997) concerning restroom use by
Transsexuals and Transvestites. You said you were "straightened out" by certain people after you
told a pre-operative Transsexual to use the women's restroom when presenting as a female.
Pull up a chair, hon! I'm handing you a cup of coffee and asking you take a deep whiff! Let me
share reality with you.
Fact # 1 -- To my knowledge it is decidedly not illegal (in most states) for a woman to use a man's
restroom or a man to use a woman's restroom. Yes, there are some places still backward enough to
criminalize such actions. Then again, there are places which require a woman to take title to real
property as either "a single woman", "a married woman", or "an un-married woman".
Fact #2 -- Some Genetic Women are nervous about someone with a penis using a
restroom designated for women. (Of course, if the women's restroom has a long line, they have no
problem using the men's restroomn!) These women mistakenly believe and fear that a Transsexual
Woman is not really a woman at all, but a man with prurient interests. As you (and/or your sister)
say "wake up and smell the coffee"! I guarantee you the Transsexual Woman is doing the same thing in
the bathroom that a Genetic Woman is.
Fact #3 -- Sex is a matter of what's between your legs. Gender
is a matter of what's between your ears and in your heart!
Question #1 -- Are these same Genetic Women worried about Lesbians peeking under the stalls at them?
Of course not. After all, how do you know the woman next to you is lesbian or straight? Unless she
makes a pass at you, you'd never know. The same is true of many a Transsexual Woman. Unless her wig
comes off or she blows her voice, you'd never know she was not born with 2 X chromosomes. And, I
hate to break this news, but I know of many Genetic Women with voices even lower than mine.
Fact #4 -- Like Genetic Women, Transgendered People (both men and women) come in a variety of
flavors. At one end are the Transvestic Fetishists, who wear women's (or men's ) clothes to attain
or strengthen an orgasm. These are a very, very small group!
Fact #5 -- Transsexual Women have as much right to live in peace as any other
woman.
Question #2 -- What would you say to a woman who refused to use a restroom because a Black woman was
using it -- or a White woman, or an Asian woman, or a Hispanic woman, or ...? You'd tell that woman
to get over her prejudice, right? So why do you even entertain a different answer in the case of a
Transsexual Woman?
Fact #6 -- A Transsexual (whether Male-to-Female or Female-to-Male) does not walk this road on a lark
or for prurient interests. The road is too rough, too expensive, and has way too many risks for
that. Many have spent decades coming to grips with themselves. To be a Transsexual is to risk
losing everything -- family, friends, and job just to feel right about themselves. Beatings, rapes,
and murders are more common in their community than among the :"normals".
And just to make sure folks don't make a royal mess of themselves, the reputable health providers
follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. These require long term therapy. You must have a
letter from a therapist before you can start Hormone Replacement Therapy. You need to live at least
one year living 100% in the target role before surgery. And even after that year, you need
recommendation letters from two therapists! Remember that therapy usually costs about $100 - $200
per hour.
Now let's talk about electrolysis. Do you have any facial hairs? Pull (don't pluck) one of those
hairs taut for ten seconds. While you're doing that, stick a sewing needle in your face as though
you were getting out a splinter. After ten seconds, go ahead and pluck the little sucker. That's
what electrolysis feels like. Now multiply that by the number of hairs on the face! It typically
takes 200 - 300 hours of electrolysis to clear the face -- at $40 per hour.
When all is said and done, counting the electrolysis, hormones, therapy, and various surgeries, one
can count on spending $60 thousand, give or take a few grand. All this for a lark or sexual
excitement? Oh, come now!
How dare I speak like this? Because I, too, am a Transsexual Woman. In my case, I denied myself
well over 30 years, until I could not avoid myself any longer. And when I finally did take a good
close look at myself, I was scared silly. I knew what the risks were. I knew my wife and daughter
would be ridiculed because of me. I knew I would probably lose most of my friends, maybe my family,
and even my job.
Even worse, this realization shook my very faith. If I was a mistake, having a male body and a
female heart, and if God could not make mistakes, then there is no God. If I was not a mistake, why
am I the way I am? Did this God of mine simply have a vicious sense of humor? If so, He is not God.
But to know an artist, look at her works. To know God, look at His creation. You'll see a huge
number of variations on a theme. Describe a flower. It's impossible. They all have the same
physical parts, yet each different, both in form and function.
Notice, too, that the universe follows certain laws -- Chemistry, Thermodynamics, Physics,
Mathematics. The latter gives us Statistics, which gives us the bell curve, which gives us "normal"
and "non-normal".. But without the "non-normal" section, you would not have the :"normal"! I've
always been a "Damned Curve Raiser" in school, so this is just another way I'm "non-normal".
Which brings up another interesting point. You'll find among Transgendered People, a
disproportionate number of lefties, Mensa members, and people in the medical, legal, and technical
fields. As a general rule, we're a pretty intelligent set of folks. Now I'm not quite Mensa
material, though I'm just a tad closer to 200 than to 100. And I am a techie. Sorry, but I'm right
handed!
I almost took my life several times because I saw no way to walk that would not hurt someone. Only
the thought of my wife and daughter coming on the body stopped me. Too many of my transsexual
sisters and brothers commit suicide each year. It's not an easy life. But the alternative is worse!
Thank God, I've been able to talk at least one other person out of killing herself. I pray I'll be
able to help others.
To get back to the bathroom question. Which bathroom do I use? I am not yet in my Real Life Test
(year of 100% cross living), so I use the bathroom appropriate to my presentation. When dressed in
drag (i.e. in male mode), I use the men's room. When dressed appropriately (i.e. as a woman), I use
the women's room. Does that sound like anything you originally advised? I thought so!
Don't abandon that poor girl who originally wrote you, Abby! She needs your original wisdom. If I
were to add anything to your original advise, it would be to contact a lawyer in her state or any of
the various Gender Associations for information specific to her state of residence.
I know this letter is long, so you may abbreviate it for publishing should you so desire, as long as
you keep the original intent. And just to let you know I'm real, and not some Yalie yanking your
chain, I give you my phone number. Feel free to call me at 916-XXX-XXXX with any questions. If you
think it would help, pass it or my address on to the girl who originally wrote you.
I leave you with the greatest blessing and my most fervent prayer. May we all
Live in Peace!
Stephanie Michaels
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