Stef & Doris She Said...She Said

Chapter One: The Telling

by Stef & Doris Matthews

[TG couples have many unique events and a unique perspective on happenings in their lives together, some things many non-TG couples never have to deal with. Therefore, this series is offered to help other TG couples understand different approaches to "our" singular problems…from both perspectives.]

Stef:
I would gladly trade all of my hindsight for just a little bit of foresight. If I had some foresight I wouldn't have worried so much about telling Doris of my "TGism". But I did worry. Doris and I worked together, very closely - every day, for a year and a half. We became very close friends before any hint of a romance appeared. We were both still living in failing marriages and in different states. When I caught the first hint of a romantic attraction from (and towards) Doris I wasn't yet ready to get totally involved, or to let her in on my secret. My solution was to "scare" her off with a couple of pictures of me dressed. I carried those pictures with me and planned on pulling them out when the time was right. Well the time was never right, we became closer and closer, until I knew I wanted to be with her. The pictures went back in the photo album. We each moved out of our houses and into our own apartments. We talked on the phone every day and night. Try as I might I couldn't bring the TG topic up. Even after a trip or two to see her again, with the express purpose of telling her about Stef, I never had the guts to do it.

I knew from all I had read (and experienced) on the subject of telling one’s partner, that the longer the secret is kept -- the more the "keeper" feels guilty and the "keepee" feels lied to and betrayed. I couldn’t let it go on any longer, so I forced myself. I shaved my legs, arms and chest. That way I knew I would have to explain before we were alone again. Well the world’s greatest procrastinator waited until we were together again, sitting in the bar at the hotel I stayed at, before I asked her to come to my room that I had something very important to tell her.

As we walked to the room, holding hands, I reviewed the two page speech I had prepared, the materials I had downloaded and printed (in case she needed some "outside" help) and the two pictures of me dressed (in case she needed proof). We got to the room and my nerves were raw. I sat on the foot stool and she sat on the floor at my feet. I started reciting my prepared speech. "You know a lot about me. You know I like computers and my work. You know I like jazz music and that I like to shoot pool. You know that I like being your friend, in fact I love that, but there is something that you don’t know." (Dramatic pause for courage) "I like to do drag…dress in women’s clothes, whatever you want to call it" (Long silence as I let the words sink in and let my heart start to beat again).

She had a confused look on her face and tears started to well up in her eyes. And I thought, "Shit! That’s it; I screwed this relationship up." But then she started to ask questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. "Does this mean you are gay?", "No I don’t have a gay bone in my body." "When did this start?", "When I was quite young, probably seven or eight." "Does your wife know?", "Yes but she wishes it would go away." "Do you go out dressed?", "Yes, but only in safe situations, to the Max and to support group meetings." "What do you do when you go out?", "Talk to friends, shoot pool and drink some beer." "That’s what you do when we go out!" There were dozens of questions and dozens of answers. I was secure in the knowledge of who I was and what I was that I knew the answers and the questions. Of course some of the answers were, "I don’t know."

Finally, I offered her the print-outs that I had brought with me and asked her to read them and to never hesitate to ask me any questions. Then I showed her the pictures that I had carried with me for two months. She asked, "Who is this? Is this your wife?" I said, "No it’s not my wife, it’s me." And we began to laugh. That’s when I knew everything would be all right.

Doris:
I met Steve over three years ago now through my place of employment. Steve was contracted to design and write programs to automate the company’s shipping division. Since I was responsible for inventory control and learning the programs inside and out, we worked together through long, unending hours, days and weeks while he was on site. During this time, and frequent return visits, we became friends. We both learned that each others long term marriages had taken directions down rocky roads, and found comfort in each other through very trying times. We cried and laughed together, wondered "why", asked each other all the "what ifs", but inevitably, neither marriage got turned around in time for much needed maintenance. We were now "best" friends. My best friend brought me up when I was at my lowest, made me feel good about myself, and made me realize that I was a good person and what we were going through, was sadly, a part of life. Rule #1 - life goes on!

Over the next year, friendship turned to love. One month into this part of our relationship I was told of the "deep, dark secret". My first reaction was one of confusion and was somewhat shocked by what I was hearing. Here was my best friend, the man I was madly in love with telling me he was a cross dresser. There were tears and hugs as I was delicately told of what this meant and why I was being told. True friendship is believing in a person and accepting each other for what they are and what they believe in. In becoming true friends, before "growing" in love with each other, it was easier for me to accept and support this part of him. How could I abandon the one person that accepted and loved me for who I am?

The first time I met my new friend "Stef", I was nervous and excited, but not as nervous as she was! Standing before me was not a stranger, but my friend, my lover and soul mate - not different, just cuter!! (Sorry Stef – you know me, I couldn't resist!)



COMING SOON...Chapter Two: The Meeting.



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