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© 1996 Transgender Forum
May -Jun 1997
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Topics: Most pleasant surprise? Can spouses/significant others really accept? What does "passing" really mean?
I was dressed for Halloween at a disco bar. A girl walk by me, took a glance at me and said with a big smile, "Not bad!" Another time, many years ago, my wife and I were driving around in our VW Bug. The cops pulled us over. I was getting ready to hand him my driver's license when he looked at us and said, " I'm sorry. We were looking for a man." I was both elated and scared at the same time!
Lorraine Kimberly Adams
One of my most pleasant experience as a TV occured just last month. My wife and
I were at a wonderful piano bar in San Francisco. I was feeling confident
and warm inside. I am usually very conscious about my chest and arms but this
night I took of my jacket and proudly showed off my short sleeve blouse! We
sipped champagne and enjoyed the music and all the elements of dressing up (make-
up, clothes, perfume, etc...) seemed to be in harmony with each other. That
there were many straight couples in the bar made the moment that much better!
Samantha
Samantha
I would have to say that once I stopped struggling with being TV,
I learned how much fun it is. I just go about my life, and when I have the
desire to cross roles, I do it without hesitation. It is a very pleasant experience.
TTFN
Ericka
I suppose the most pleasent surprise came after all the HRT therapy had begin to show results. As others have said, I too hated having such a "man's" body. The only answer was to change it until I was satisfied. With 18 months of intensived workouts, killer cramps from the HRT, and starvation diets, I think I'm finally happy with what I see. Gone were the muscles and body hair which was replaced by softer skin and a decidedly different shape. I was 46-36-48, now I'm 38C-26-38 and very happy. I just love the clothes to, don't you?
Jamie Ritter
My most pleasant surprise is how easy it is to pass as a woman. I am a crosdressing hetro male, now 38 years old. I am married and have three children. I have been venturing into public for about 5 years now. I never thought that I could pass, but in public men look at me, flirt with me, and a few have even made passes! It is so incredible to me that I can pass that I wish I had ventured into public many year earlier. Thanks for providing a great web site!
Stephanie
Being new at cross dressing, I am uncertain as to the legality of appearing in public! Living in the mid-west in a small community I dare not venture out.St. Louis or Kansas City are possibilities! Would anyone know if it is against the law in these cities?? Please let me know if you do! I'm dying to make a public appearance and see how I will be accepted! Thank you, Michelle
Michelle
I have been very lucky, I have had two occasions, that fit the question, the day I came out to my wife, her frist question was asre you gay, second was do yopu want to become a woman, and when I said no twice, the third was what size do you wear, I wound ulp whit two dresses and the most expensive loungerie, I have ever owned. I never thought that could be toped until this last Christmas, when after opening all the presents, I found that she forgot to get my male side anything for Christmas, she had, had to much fun shopping for Tina!
Tina
Last year, I had some trouble with my ATM card. The machine was in the lobby of my bank, so I went inside to see if I could make a withdrawal even though I didn't know my account number. When I asked a teller about it, they said they could make the withdrawal using my ATM card number. All I needed to do was show them my driver's licence as proof of ID. No problems.
When I handed the teller the driver's licence, she looked at it, then at me, then back at the licence. I thought I understood her confusion; I had cut my hair very short to get a job just a few weeks earlier, and in my licence my hair was really long. I was not en femme, (I have yet to be out during daylight hours as Sara) and in the picture on the licence I had a moderate amount of stubble from not shaving. Naturally she would be a little disoriented by the change in apearance.
Imagine my surprise when she timidly ventured, "Is this your wif-...Oh! nevermind." I asked to make sure I hadn't misheard. I hadn't. She thought I had picked up my wives licence by mistake, missing both name and sex on the licence because of a picture I wasn't even trying to pass in.
She made my day!
Sara
I was in a clothing store that I'd been to en-femme several times before. I was
in the changing room, trying on things when one of the salesgirls brought me a
dress that another woman had just had on, but didn't like. After I tried it on,
and I was in the hallway looking at how it fit in the mirrors, the woman who had
originally had it on came out of her dressing room, and said "That looks better
on you than it did on me". I'm sure she thought I was just another woman trying
on clothing, and it felt great.
Shannon
Hi, just a quick note. Saw a TS oriented film yesterday evening.
It is called "Different for Girls" - Der Kleine Unterschied in German. A
British film produced by the BBC so I guess it may make the US circuit. Sort of a love
story with happy ending. Ciao.
Connie_1954@hotmail.com
Hi Gals, I'll be visiting White Plains, NY next Weds& Thurs. does anybody out here know of any TG groups, bars, restaurants, etc in or near there? Write me if you have any ideas. Thanks.
Cissy B.
When I was 16, my stepmother was the cheerleader coach at an elementary
school. She told me that one of the girls she used to coach who was having some
problems. She was 14, only two years younger than me. I called her up
pretending to be "Lisa" an 11-year-old girl that my stepmother was coaching and
invited her to my house over the weekend.
Needless to say, when she came to visit and didn't know who I was. All she
knew was what "Lisa" told her about me. She kept looking for the mysterious
Lisa who of course did not exist. Finally I gave in and told her. She started
crying, but not with anger. I gently put my hand on her back. What could have
been a disaster turned out to be one of the best moments of my life.
Suzanna
My most pleasant surprise was when my wife accepted the fact that
I am a CD. In fact she buys me fem clothes or makeup when she goes
to the mall. She helps me with my makeup when I get dressed also. I
just wish sooo bad that I wasn't so masculine looking. I wish that
I could pass and be able to go out in public and never be read. If
anyone could offer help on accomplishing that goal, I would
appreciate it very much.
Joanne
The real high point in my TG life was when I came out to my boys ages 22 and 17. They were great, understanding and loving. They accepted me totally. Not the same story when I came out to my SO. Things still on the rocks. Thanks to the girls and this board I am able to help them and myself understand this rather confusing life of mine. Love to all, Terrianne, Jacksonville, Florida
Terrianne
Over the past few years as the pressures of parenting, careers, and life in
general have closed in upon my SO and myself. Our technique to deal with this
problem and to help keep us in tune with each other is to have 'date' days.
Let me explain...;)
What we do is to take a weekday the both of us can get off from work when the
children will be in school. We arrange for somone to take care of the children
at lunchtime and voila we have and uninterupted day. This could me us staying
home and snuggling, a day shopping, or just a walk in the park.
Whatever we do we have a day to spend together and we get time where both of
us are awake, aleret, and not stressed out by you day. The fact most of the
rest of the world is at work just makes the day more special. All our favourite
stores and restraunts are mostly deserted during the week. Everthing is there,
just for us...;)
Hey it may be a little selfish but you gotta' admit it does sound appealing.
In any case this small amount of 'quality' time had added a lot to our relationship.
Perhaps it will work for you too...
Jennifer Lynn
Jennifer Lynn
To all the New Hampshire friends of Carla Feldman: It is with great sadness that I report the death of my friend Carla this past week in Clarmont New Hampshire. Carla was a lifelong transgender person who was murdered in her apartment by a man who she met in a bar in Manchester, NH. Carla was a wonderful person who love life and loved the transgender lifestyle. She will be very missed and we are all saddened by her loss. The murderer was caught and is awaiting trial for capital felony murder.
Jamie Ritter
I"ve tried to dress up less as she doesn't like it when i get enfemme to much. I hope some day she will except me more for my fem side.
Dixy
My wife and I have always had a good relationship, and she excepted Tina day one, But as Tina, I have tried to see to it that she had a reason to want Tina around. Since I am the first one home at night, I get the chance to change, before she gets home, and if she walks in and finds Tina here,she knows, Tina will fix dinner, do laundry, and clean house, so of course she has reason to be happy to see Tina. The other day, as we plan a trip, she goes shopping, for a new wardrobe, and comes back empty handed, and depressed (she is dieting, and not to happy with her body right now, so shopping is hard for her),. so Tina steps in the next day after work, goes out and finds three new outfits for her, all have gotten rave reviews, and great envy of what a wonderful husband she has, from friends and co workers, none of them feel their husbands could or would do the same for them. So I guess I would have to say, what I have done, is MOTHER her as much as I can, she loves the attenion, I love getting to play the mother\wife roll, so we both are happy, and she buys me flowers, and this year a great Teapot for mothers day, It works for us.
Tina
Role reversal has been something I like to do. If gives us some idea of the other's point of view.
Acting and role playing in general is something I like to do. "Sophie's Choice" is a particular favorite
of mine.
Suzanna
How do you tell your straight, male friends...or should you NEVER do that?
alicia
Thank you for your show. You have helped me throughout my life and admire eveything you say and do. You have helped my marrage and helped me make problems work out. I hope you last forever,
your best fan.
Kay Smith
I began dating a girl in February, who was very observant; she found out immediately that I am TG.
Her response was one of acceptance. Since then, I have dated only women who could not only accept
me as both Elayne AND her male counterpart, but embrace the whole idea as well. After that first
relationship with 'Cas', I was moved to disclose immediately; I feel that if they can't accept me as
I am, then the relationship just won't work. This type of honesty, and shared 'secrets', seem to
create the type of bond necessary for a close relationship- at least in my case. But to answer the question
specifically- being open and honest at the beginning, or as soon as possible, helps immensely.
Take care, and email me if you like.
Elayne
Elayne Wylie
The thing that improved my relationship with my wife was we got a divorce
She coundn't take the fact I was T* so she left. Now she is back and wants to make a go of it
She claimes now she can deal with Phyllis. She has gone out with the girls
and enjoyes their company. She asks me to help her with makeup & wardrobe.
She is becoming a good friend. only time will tell as I still have some of the hurts
I have to get over. HUGS
Phyllis
The final program for the 1997 SPICE (Spouses and Partners International
Conference for Education) can be found at http://www.pmpub.com/spice.htm.
Bring your partner to SPICE July 16-20, 1997 in Ontario, California and
enrich your relationship with your partner and perhaps she will from
the experience move toward understanding and acceptance of your
crossdressing. SPICE is sponsored by Tri-Ess, IFGE and many of the
worldwide gender organizations.
and
Melanie Rudd
Does everyone love stockings or pantyhose? Hard to find stockings and
garters that allow very short skirts--any help?
The most helpful thing in my transformation to femme is the tolerance, understanding
and help of my wonderful wife. She doesn't understand why, (but who does)
She does however help me make up and tells me when I am wrong. For some reason
thrill of dressing is intensified by her prescence. She is not always an easly taskmistress.
Without her I could not live the life I love
Hugs to All!
Michelle2
rcsx@tcsn.uswest.net
Who has helped me the most ? I guess the Interenet has helped me get
through my transformation. Lets face it though , the internet is just
a vehicle for making contacts to other people . So no doubt , it is
those people , who are like me , who judge me for the person I am & not
what I do ,who have helped the most. Organizations & support groups
that I have made contact with this past year have been great! I never
knew there where so many like me out there until I did a search under
the term crosse dress! It's been a busy year for this girl!
Jennifer
I'm back and this time I hoope to stay. After an interminably long time without a computer
and a change of ISP ROSALIND has returned. And just for the record I believe my transformation
although I'm a CD is the realisation that I can't make myself into something I'm not, so I crossdress
as me now not as something I want to be. Hi to everyone and on the offchance that you did miss me
I appologise for my sudden departure from this scene and GOdwilling I'm here to stay this time.
HUGS TO YOU ALL...ROSALIND!!
ROSALIND!!
My teacher helped me a lot when I was in high school. One day he told me that
he had noticed my girlish behavior and asked me if I was attracted to boys.
I blushed but answered with a yes. He then asked me if I wanted to talk about
it and invited me to his home. I didn´t accept, but he also told me that I
could phone him anytime if I changed my mind. Some weeks later I did and I
visited later the same evening. We talked a lot and after a while he showed
me some woman clothes and talked me into put them on. It felt great having
them on and even grater when he took them off and made love to me. For several
months we kept meeting and he encouraged me to finally accept that I had to
crossdress and act like a girl to really be myself. Maybe you could say he
used me, but he also helped me out and I´m ever so thankful for what he did.
Tom
Suche Kontakte und Forums in Süd-Deutschland,
der Schweiz und Österreich.
Bitte schreibt mir. Danke!
Michelle
Their has been two great factors in making my transformation, one is this fourm, I have found that you can teach an old dog new tricks, and I don't have to tell any of you what this place does for self exceptance, finding so many people with like interest, has been wonderful. But even before that, I have been blessed with a wonderful wife, that has exepted me from the first day I told her about Tina. A very big person in a small body, able at 5 foot 1 size 6 and 1\2 shoe, to walk right up and buy a size 11, with out a blink, she buys me gifts of clothes and jewelery. her latest was to sign me up for a make uup club, that sends you new products every few weeks to play with. when you have someone like this on your side, transformation is easy, and life is wonderful, and to top it all off, I got a new department store in the neighborhood, that sales really cute clothes cheap. Life is good.
Tina
I am a happy, full time, pre-op TS. I could never have gotten to this point without the
help of the many friends I've made in my TG support groups. They've given me lots of
good information about therapists, doctors, electrologists, etc., and also provided
tremendous emotional support, inspiration, and welcome feedback. Some of the more
experienced members have been role models and given me a glimpse of where I may
be in a year or two. Also, my attendance at the Southern Comfort Conference was a
very enlightening and rewarding experience. Finally, thanks also goes to my family,
friends, coworkers, therapist, and electrologist who've stuck by me and supported me.
Amanda G.
Who helped my transition was my late wife. She was big hearted enough
to decide that if I wasn't going to be the kind of man she wanted, she
would help me become the kind of woman I wanted.
What helped was the computer. In the pre-Internet days, having a lifeline
to Carolyn's Closet, Feminet, JSS, RGA. Even though I read much more than
I ever posted or contributed, it was a breath of air to find other people
in situations similar to mine. And when I think of how different my life
might have been if the Internet had been around when I was in my 20's.....
Jane
The person who has most helped me in my transformation is my wife Julie. Julie supports me in every aspect of my life to include my dressing and everything which goes with it. I never imagined there was such a person but I am truley blessed to have found her!
Rachael
Several factors have contributed to helping me make my transformation;
1. The realisation that I am a crossdresser and always will be.
2. That my avoidance of my TG issues, keeping the secret, had placed me in peril of my personal health and welfare.
3. My realisation that my crossdressing was always a joyous experience.
4. An awareness that not all crossdressers are ashamed of it and I needen't be either.
5. My participation in our Tri-ess chapter where I found affirmation and support and loving sisters.
6. My wife's insistence that she could accept my crossdressing only if I first took responsibility for it and accepted it myself.
7. The courage to just do the thing and thereby learn by experience that I could move in the world in my femme persona without negative consequences.
Sofronia Anne Strong
Transformation? Never been there or done any of that. Is that a CD & TV term?
Now, Transition is where I am at. I am a Pre-Op TS, undergoing HRT and am experiencing RLT, even at work. Some very important - wonderful people and belief in myself are what is getting me through Transistion. (Am I changing the topic here?) A good doctor, therapist, shrink and friends here in my City along with several posting sites on the Web all have been and continue to support me on what they refer to as a long and possibly difficult journey. That is only the half of it Hon(s). Well am running out of lines. Hugs & Kisses: Dri Adrianna
Dri Adrianna
One of the toughest parts for me has been acceptance by my family. Today my family has told me they never will, so be it. I've made it through three operations now and to be honest, it hasn't been easy. But it's my friends who have helped me get through the rough spots. So, on this public forum, I'd like to take this oppertunity to thank a few people for thier kind support. WINNI-for being there when other told me not to keep going, to Nora for listening to my raving's, to Cindy for her kind words, and to THE FORUM for allowing me to blow steam at idiots who can't except people for who they are, not what they are. Jamie
Jamie Ritter
While I dress sometimes at home I am far too masculine to ever "pass." I do regret that. But I am also an ardent admirer of transgendered ladies as well and I must say that passing physically might be somewhat important but it is the mental ability to carry yourself as a true lady that shines. then you are not only "passing", you are excelling.
I. Jackson
Finally I desided to date a man by answering a personal ad. The guy was older
than me, but he sounded nice on the phone and I agreed to a date. We met in a
gaycafe and I found him quite nice and accepted to go with him. As soon we were
in his apartment he showed a totally different personality. He was stronger than
me and did not pay any attention to my protests. He just laughed when I begged
him to stop and was really hurting me badly. When he was finished he just told
me to go. I´ve heard from other tg:s on the net that some men looks upon a tg
as a slut who they can treat like shit. How can I avoid beeing used by such men?
Tommy
I am still in transition however, this web site and all the wonderful girls have helped me understand my life and who I really am. Without the love and support that has been provided by the girls that I have meet, I would either be in a mad house or worse by now. Thanks, Hugs, Terrianne Jacksonville, Florida.
Terrianne
Sorry folks, I had a disagreement with AOL's billing and dropped them so
there is no web page now for Aloma Haralambas or our Argentinian sisters.
I'll let you all know if I can get them up through some other server.
Love,
Lisa
Lisa Skinner
The term "passing" comes from the
African-American sub-culture where it was used to refer to those who
were accepted in public as white. The word was adopted by the TG world
as a designation for TG's who are accepted as the opposite sex. (The
opposite of "passing" is "being read.") The root of the meaning probably
comes from the concept that one who is unnoticed is "passed over" or
disregarded. Another interpretation holds that "passing" is the opposite
of "failing." If you "pass" or are "passable" you succeed; if not, you
fail. It helps to understand these implications when looking at...
Second, the popular definition:
To me, (and I think, to most TG's) "passing" means being accepted as a
female (or male, for the MtoF TG) and though nearly everyone understands
the concept in that way, there are some in the TG community who dislike
it. I have to be honest with myself though: I *WANT* to pass because I
want to be able to go anywhere and do anything as a girl and the fact is
that if I'm seen as anything else there's a likelihood that I'll have
problems--with a sales clerk, a bigot, or worse, the police. I think
it's unfortunate, but the "passing" thing is just another of those areas
that divide the TG community. A TS told me once that I'd never "pass"
and ought to just forget about the whole thing. (Easy for her to say.)
But I can't dismiss it that easily. And I don't see any use in trying to
impose the concept on others. If YOU don't care if you pass or not,
that's fine. But please, don't tell ME that I shouldn't be concerned
about it.
Bobbi
Passing.... For me that means the wonderful feeling of freedom to do what ever i like in public, and no one looks strange at me. I hav experienced that feelin a lot of times the last three months in a lot of different towns and villages in Sweden (even my own home town Ljungby). It's a feeling to which nothing can compare...
Marianne Ljung
Christine prefers to dress in the privacy of her home for the pleasure
of her spouse. She has no interest in going in public in femme fatale
attire. She just likes the way it feels. Looking pretty is a great stress reducer.
Christine
to lauren looking for size 12 rings please email me. I may be able to help.
Kandise Morgan
coming out is very hard as many people put it to be. i'm 21 now and have been cross dressing since i was three. I have had a very rough life, i dream every day of being my true self and coming out to people around me but i've tryed before and it was devasting when i was 13. i told my mother in a 20 page letter about being a female trapped in a male body, about everything i could think of and it hurt me. I was sent to a mental hospital for it, 8 years
later i am still a female in a male body, i am so desperate to get a sex change, my feelings are so strong and its hard to deal with it and coming out would be great ,but i don't feel like gaining 350pds again. i am looking for a friend i have no e-mail but if you have suggestions please post them here i will thank you personally.
Stephine Tammy Mills
DO THEY MAKE SIZE 15 SHOES?
JENNIFER
I used to think that passing meant not being recgnized as a genetic male while dressed en femme. Now I argued that passing really mean feeling feminine, feeling attractive and not being harassed even if someone should notice that I am genetically male. Of course< I still like to look as feminine as possibly.
Ericha
Passing, Uh.., it means we can pass everywhere no matter in the restroom,
in the changing room, or on the bus. Everybody we pass through should think we are
just a woman. Therefore, if you want to success to pass, you should do what most
women do in your community. Keep in mind, don't wear those hooker's things!!
Gloria
Passing may be satisfying to the individual but it may not promote social
acceptance of TG's. Passing makes it easy for peoples denial, to deny
that males are exibiting behavior that is designated feminine.
I think a more "In your Face" approach will promote social acceptance of
TG's in the long term by making people re-think their definition of gender.
Doug in Pumps
Passing, for me, used to be in line with the common definition. The goal
was to go out in public and have everyone believe I was a genetic girl --
no questions asked. I'd shop in the malls or wear a bathing suit at the
beach and observe others' reactions to me and when they didn't act as if
there were an incongruence, I'd say I passed.
After the IFGE/California Unity convention last month and essentially
living as a woman full-time for four days, my definition changed. There,
the staff knew what we were and didn't care. Passing became less of an
appearance issue and more of a deeper one -- that of getting in touch with
the feminine person that I was inside and expressing it to the point where
I was being, not just appearing. I was now passing not just "as a
woman" but as Revana, a real person inside of me. And that's what means
more to me now.
Hugs and happy thoughts,
Revy, Rock n' Roll Wondergirl!
BTW, the Union Leader, NH's biggest newspaper has yet to publish my letter to the editor re: the recently passed NH Gay Rights Bill and their editorial condemning it. Nor have they pronted my letter a week later in response to a hateful and bigoted column by the syndicated columnist, Linda Bowles, attacking both the gay and transgendered communities. I signed my *M* name and address to both and outed myself in them as a TS.
Susan Ashleight Thatcher
To Lori and Peter39...Lori, I don't know if you got my reply to your e-mail to me, my ISP was having trouble contacting you through aol. Your e-mail was importanat to me and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring it. To Peter39, I have tried to reply to your e-mail but it keeps getting kicked back as user unknown. Anyway, I appreciated your letters and have attempted to reply to them; I will never ignore mail from anyone. ***smile***
Susan Ashleigh Thatcher
This anecdote doesn't really bear on the present topic, but it seems worth
passing on. A few days ago I shared an airport shuttle with a friendly guy
whose main interest is sports. I don't share the interest, but we chatted
anyway. It turned out that he was returning to Neenah, Wisconsin which, of
course, is the home of Eugene Schrang, M.D. Deadpan I said I'd heard of it,
because somebody I know had changed sex there. Yes, he said with some
obvious pride, we've got a world-famous surgeon in our town. And that was that.
Let it be a lesson. An ordinary, uncomplicated
guy from Neenah takes pride in having Dr. Schrang's practice in his town.
It's one more sign that the community that provides the patients has no reason
to be other than proud of itself.
Emily Alford
Sorry folks, I just found out that puting my Home Page in the E-mail box doesnt work. My real E-mail box is here if you would like to send me a message.
Happy hugs,
Marrianne
Marianne Rivers
I think "passing" is a state of mind. Today I dressed in slacks, a tee shirt, flats and light makeup, and went to a mall to shop. I was invisible to everyone there. Everyone there was thinking about their own reasons for being there, and didn't spend any energy looking for cross-dressers. I felt confident about my presentation, even though anyone that might have taken a good look would have noticed that I was different. I'm sure that if I had wanted to attract attention through choice of clothes or makeup, I wouldn't have "passed". I really enjoyed the freedom of shopping en femme, and trying on some blouses that I liked (none fit :-( ). I normally can "pass' at 20 feet or in a dark nightclub, but I'm and old girl, and it shows. If you want to see how I look check my home page at http:/www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/5983
Marianne Rivers
Passing to me is that I look like a woman. The public's perception of how we should look is not the point. I make myself as beautiful as possible, and if I am happy, that is all that should matter (in addition to who I am with, of course). All of us look differently, I never attempt to look like all other women on the street. Denise from Utah...
Denise
Passing to me is being my fem self in public and nt making a scene or being noticed as anything other than a girl (ok, maybe older lady). It is not having to worry about being hurt if recognized as a CD.
Terrianne
Passing, to me, is a popular criterion with crossdressers who believe that they are successful as CD's only if they can succeed in deceiving others into thinking they are women. It's quite an understandable criterion, but I question if it is really a good one. I don't think most of us ever really "pass." A better criterion might be that we are satisfied, comfortable and at ease in front of others when we are en femme, making an artful and pleasing feminine presentation and putting others at ease with us while not trying to deceive anyone about what we really are.
Sofronia Anne Strong
Passing for me is to be accepted as a female in society,
doing things other GG's would do. In passing I strive
for complete acceptance and accorded all the courtesies
other women are given!!!
Diane Kaye
Passing is being able to walk pass a bus load of teenagers and not having one notice.
Katlynd (St. Louis)
If the article on our Argentinian sisters is not copyrighted, you'll find
it at the web site I created because of the Aloma Haralambas story in
TGForum a few months ago. This may be skirting the rules, but it's not
a personal homepage and has nothing about me on it. Just information
that may give the people interested a way to help Aloma. I'll also get
any info. I can about who to write to in order to protest the Argentinian
situation. Check out http://members.aol.com/aloma1hara/index.html for
more information. Love, Lisa
Lisa Skinner
This is for lorisden@aol.com. You wrote with a lot of obvious concern/fear/
uncertainty about finding that your spouse of 35 years is CD. There is a lot of
help here. Check the main library and find pieces by Linda Kay, Julie Freeman
and one by my own spouse writing as Evonne Alford, called Letter for a Frightened
woman. if you and your spouse both want to make it, you can. I'm rooting for
you both.
emily alford
Passing is the reward for all the effort we put into our transformation. There is hardly anything more rewarding than the fact that you just went out shopping, dancing or whatever en fem and you didn't get read. I love this ceremony so much i do it every weekend. W
Petra
Sara Anne, I tried to send you e-mail, but the address you have on the post is not going through. Drop me a note if you would like to correspond. Terrianne, Jacksonville,Florida
Terrianne
Coming out is scarey, I hate the idea of hurting the one's I love, but on the other hand, maybe living a double life is hurtful too. Would appreiciate any help. Thanks!
Sara Anne
My spouse recently told me about being a TG individual. I would like to
keep our marriage together. I want to hear how other spouses have coped
with the news: problems, solutions, fears, etc. After 35 years of
a great marriage, it was quite a jolt and I am still not sure what the
future will hold. How do you stay on a positive course?
lorisden@AOL.com
Personally, I found the message from Argentina very disturbing! If they find out you crossdress, they can (& do) just destroy your life, take your possessions and toss you out into the street?!?!?!?!
We should raise some hell.
Can't we petition the UN human Rights Commission, or post an "Argentina Sucks" web page?????
-sally
SallyN
Passing is like an orgasm, but mentally. try to achieve it, there is nothing like it!
Petra
Hi:) I thought coming out was a gay thing? I just woke up one day and became She
who I always was inside. I had to learn it all on my own. I looked a bit punk
rock at first, so my friends didn't get it. Now i simply tell them to deal
with it (in a nice was of course) and they don't mind. This has been since
Sept. last year, full time. I pass very well, but I appear much younger than
my age, and very kind a proper/girlish as opposed to womanish. I guess I gotta
lot of things to learn and experience as a girl first. At my club, many thought
I was a real girl til last month when one guy asked the bartender about me.
Crissa
HI, I HAVE BEEN A CD FOR AS LONG AS I REMEMBER, BU SOME HOW MY GUILT HAS STUFFED ME IN THE BOX, I AM TRYING TO COME OUT AND TELL MY WIFE AND THE DAY IS NEAR, IAM EXCITED, LATELY I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SHAVE MY BODY AND SHE SEEMS NOT TO MIND, I AM 40 SOMETHING AND I LIKE TO DRESS, I AM SO GLAD THAT THERE ARE SO MANY SISTERS AROUND, I AM CHANGING MY NET, BUT SOON I WILL HAVE E-MAIL AND I WILL GIVE OUT TO MY SISTERS. YES MY SISTERS GUILT IS SOMETHING THAT IS NOT AN INGREDIENT THAT MIXES WELL WITH HUMAN EVENTS!
SOAN
I have spent the last 9 months coming out, slowly, carefully, to my friends and
acquaintances. In fact, my father will be in town (LA) this weekend, and I plan
on showing him some portraits I had done of me. Typical Glamour-style shots,
very tasteful... and I am a bit scared.
I am 24, and my family has NO clue. My friends are very supportive of my coming
out to my family. Since September '96, I have been carefully telling a few of
my friends, mostly at school, and the response has been total support; resulting
from careful selection of those told, I am sure. This step is made easier by
the fact that I had worked at Tommy Tangs in Hollywood, and as a girl in a
women's clothing store last fall. I am not afraid to be me, just a bit afraid
of revealing who `me' is to my parents.
But it is the best decision I could make for my life.
Elayne
Hi,
I have to believe that being a CD is much like what I am in many ways.
I am an adult baby and I too would like to come out of the closet, but
simply don't have the courage. I love the feel of soft little baby dresses
and bonnets. The only difference is maybe I also enjoy the thick cloth
fluffy diapers and plastic baby panties. Are we so different?
baby Jeffrey
jeffrey
I haven’t come out to everyone in my home town, but I make no secret of the fact that I support the Transgender community. A couple of days ago, while in a neighborhood bar, one of the regulars started talking about a person he had seen at a restaurant that looked and acted like a man in a dress. I asked him if he had a problem with that, because some of my best friends are transsexuals. He was flustered that someone would support this person, and he said no, he didn’t have a problem.
Another friend, sitting next to me asked if I was kidding about having a transsexual friend. I told him no, I wasn’t kidding, and in fact one of my transsexual friends worked in his area. I have been getting a few quizzical looks since this little episode. I’m not ready to go to the bar as Marianne yet, but I’m not afraid to tell the truth to anyone that asked a direct question.
Marianne
Coming out a goal? Say rather that is was the next step in my transition, and a very early one at that. After better than half a century of closet-living I made the decision to stop living a lie and become my true self last summer. By fall I had begun therapy and electrolysis, and made my public deput in the company of friends. I told my remaining family (sister, brother -in-law, niece and nephew) several weeks later and an lady I've known since I was 15 and she 19. All have accepted me. I have since come out to my b-i-l's considerable family and with the same results. Thus far it has been a complete success and has lifted the worry of being 'caught' by them from my shoulders. Yesterday I took an even bigger step in replying to a negative editorial over Tuesday's signing of the gay Rights Bill here in NH. It was my first letter to the editor and spoke in favor of the bill from the transgendered point of view. I signed it with my drab name and address. This afternoon the paper called to confirm That it was I who had written. I expect it will be published in the next few days. I wonder how my neighbors and local acquaintances will have to say about it. Mixed reactions, I'm sure, but I did feel strongly enough about the issue to write them. The text of my letter can be found on my home page, located at: Http://www.geocities.com/paris/6168.
Susan Ashleigh Thatcher
Yes, comming out is a goal for me, have already been doing things in
the outside world as Jennifer for a year or so. I guess it's just
another expression and desire to portray my true inner self. I still
get a bit of a case of the nerves when doing it, but the desire remains
strong there. The confidence level will get better with time. Any one
else with the same feelings and jitters , do drop me e-mail! Hugs to
all, Jennifer
Jennifer
I, accepted myself and began coming out three and a half years ago.
Fortunately and unfortunately don't have kids and have avoided the problems
invovled with young minds trying to comprehend a complex situation. After all,
I have accepted it, I don't understand it! I came out to my girlfriend 2 years
ago , although Anne wasn't quite my girlfriend at the time of disclosure.
My honesty brought us much closer and I realised why I found it so hard to allow
people into my life. We have progressed very well since.
As I have come out to more and more people, I have realised that many, though
being totally supportive, seem to find their long time exclusion to the real
me as undermining. They thought they knew me, but what they knew was a mask. I
have really 'conned' them in some ways and until they realised that I hadn't
really changed, I sensed a lack of trust and a degree of resentment for my lack
of trust in them. Fair enough! If I covered up such an important and basic
element of myself, then what else had or will I cover up!
What Anne has shown me is that I have taken 30 years to come to terms with the
real me, and I have to allow those near me the same privelige - Time.
Caitlin Rhodes
Yes, coming out is very much a goal for me. Except I can't firgure out to what extent I should. I want to go out and about in society not just hide here in my closet. But, how to do so when there are others involved, my family, my fiancee, who just very recently learned of my lifestyle. I am 25 years old and very confused with no real support except for what I have found online. This forum is great, and has been a big help, but I need more, I need realness. Anyway, after years of hiding, yes, my newest and current goal is to become comfortable with myself and be self-confident enough to come out. Thanks for the opportunity to voice myself and all replies are greatly appreciated.
Jenny
Jenny
I came out to my sister this past weekend, and she took the news ever better thatn I thought she would.
I explained to her how I'd been carrying this around with me all my life, and how much anguish living in the closet has caused me. My sister is very supportive of my decision, and it has brought us even closer together. I'm very lucky to have her.
Mary Beth Cooper
One day, I will be honest in all things with all people, unless honesty harms them. For now, I have the choice of honesty with all, versus retention of the job that lets me support the two people who rely on me for support. So I have carefully come out, to my spouse of course long before we were married, to my parents (they 'were supportive' but did not want to meet Ashley), to my spouse's parents (who were great, and who loved not only Ashley's cooking but Ashley herself when they came over for dinner), and to my brother, who is less than two years younger, and had the same reaction as my parents. I have also 'come out' to close friends in the lesbian and gay community, where there is no risk. One day, I will attain my goal of full time as ME, and be able to experience the joy of communication that comes only from a loving, honest heart, honesty as to who I am from a gender perspective for anyone who needs to know. Meanwhile, heros like the girls leading tasteful but ground-breaking efforts to raise the consciousness level of the 'rest of the world' are invaluable to all of us, not only to combat the false portrayals of the Springer type talk shows, but to make things easier for those who will follow in their footsteps. Nancy, who was honored with a presentation by Mariette at the IFGE / Cal Unity event, comes first to mind in this heroine classification, but the concept applies to F-to-M, M-to-F, TG folks and all others who succeed in this: Let people know you, let people like you, let people listen to your honest statement of the essence of your being. When you make a person a friend, no matter in what role the friendship was begun, you increase the chances that when he or she meets the true you, there will be a loving acceptance based on the fact that first, you gave love, you had love in your heart for your friend, and you therefore met the requirement for successful honest communication. That is tomorrow for me. Today is working as a male in the deep south, in a place where the TV station has the "distinction" of being the only city in the country to black out the "Ellen" coming out episode. Before I can expect to successfuly reach out to these people in love and honest sharing FOR ME (obviously not for everyone), (1) I have to be willing to receive help from the Holy Spirit -- only a little willingness is required in this; (2) I have to forgive these people in my town who are, let's face it, close minded bigots in many cases by dealing with them only in the present and turning my perception of their past, their "sins" against me, over to the Holy Spirit, who lovingly takes these burdens when we are ready to release them and exchanges them for a perception of these same people, a new way of looking at them, where I see love and light in place of the biggotry and hatred that was there before, and (3) thus having removed the barriers to love's awareness, take every opportunity to actively love each of these people, and see what happens. Meanwhile, I try to practice the same forgiveness process (as described in "A Course in Miracles" as to all the other seeming "jerks" one encounters as just a matter of daily, urban life. It works! It has transformed an unhapping life in to an amazingly happy life, thanks to the spiritual growth I have obtained from a six year study of, and practice of the Course in Miracles. If anyone is interested in learning more about this, feel free to contact me. Or, if you live in LA or NY, find one of Marianne Willaimson's lectures.
Ashley Carr
I have been "out" for about 15 yrs. as in any endevor it has had both
pluses and minuses It cost me a marriage. But it also enabled me to
be comfortable with who and what I am. The people who matter know and
most have been very supportive. Those who aren't don't really matter. HUGS
Phyllis
What is coming out? I have always been out, even if only in my own mind. Being locked away in a physical sense from the world type coming out took a couple of tries. I still retreat into my mind for reasurance at times so instead of staying out I hide to replenish myself. Since I decided to make a difference in other peoples lives by writing, photography and marketing within the TG/Gay/Lesbian community I have been very fulfilled and satisfied. In this way my coming out has been a distinct plus. I have been told that by extending my hand to others I have also enabled them to better understand what drives them to dress. I hope to continue to help others to know that by going out in public and being seen you are not necessarily coming out as you, you are coming out as your enfemme self or masculine self for those going from female to male. A bit of humour; One night I was at a local club takeing pictures and playing pool. I kept beating this one gentleman at 8 ball and I was in 4" heels! After the games he kept following me around the club and asking me to dance and go out. I turned him down every time. Not my type. The next day I received a call to go in for a business consultation with a large company here in Kansas City to review their business plan. Guess who was behind the desk? Right the same jerk from the night before. I spoke with him at length for over two hours and then went back for a two week intensive rewrite of their business plan and he never recognized me as the girl from the club. The moral of this is when you are "OUT" you are not really OUT. When you are out the only thing I can say is RELAX. It took me a very long time to understand that one important thing. When I did relax life out and about has never been short of fantastic. Enjoy. TTFN CJ
Cynthia Roberts
Sorry to change the subject but I need help. I will be in Calgary Alberta The 17th of May.
I need suggestions on a CD friendly place to stay and places to go. I pass reasonably well and am comfortable in public. I would like to meet others in the Calgary area.
As to this weeks question. coming out would be nice but as a rural Montanan I don't think it would go over very well in my small community. I do go out in public when I travel and do pretty much whatever I want as Diana. I hope to spend the years after my children are grown and I am retired as Diana.
Diana-L
Yes, comming out is a goal for me. I am 75% out already, the only place left is my part time job. I am out at my full time job and will be transitioning soon. Coming out has definitely been a plus for me. For once I am free to discuss my feelings and my goals instead of standing silently never letting anyone get to know the me inside. Hugs Dani
Danielle Nordin
Coming out was a long process for me, about five years or so... I still have not come out to my family, but have had plans to do so for some time... I have come out to all of my close friends, and many others...
To those I have come out to the reaction has been good, in fact I have been rather lucky in this regard, and have never had a bad responce... Has it been a plus??? Definetly, just from the makeup tips and sopping trips alone,
not to mention the ablity to feel myself at all times around my friends... We go out together, and shop together, and they treat me just like one of the girls... I will say, this though, do give some thought about who you come out to, and when to do it... None of my outings
were rushed into, and I think that is why I have had such good luck with reaction...
XXX's and OOO's
Alyssa...
Alyssa
Coming out is the goal of every transgendered person. The denial and fear as well as the desire not to hurt the ones we love, who we have not shared our other self to makes it impossible for most of us to do so. Our other being is allways there wanting to come out, to be recognized, to live a life.
Amber
I want to come out, but i'm afraid of the backlash...This is killing me!!!!
Choklat
Hi All,
When I first started CDing, I thought that knowone would ever mistake the fact that no matter how much makeup and other fixing, I just wasn't an original. I decided to make the change complete, all the way, an now, after three surgeries, I wouldn't have to think about it twice. Being female is absolutely wonderful, even though I'm still not 100% there yet, the change did take place.
It wasn't the clothes or the makeup, it was an attitude change, I wanted this bad, and all though I wouldn't reccomend this to anyone, I starved myself into a much smaller size. Now I wear a 12-13, before I was a 18-20 and still looked male. With the breasts and the voice, I pass easy now, and I love the life. If you'd like to see what losing the weight and having the surgeries did, you can see me at:http://www.geocities.com/westhollywood/4601 and click on the sorrority. I'm way down near the end. TTFN Jamie
Jamie Ritter
Yes, I've been out. First time in a mall in Chicago. I was very nervous
and didn't look anyone directly eye to eye, but looked in all the shops'
windows to see if anyone was looking back. I may have been read once, but
she just gave me a long look. I was feeling wonderful.
My second time was in evening wear and I drove to a CD/TS/Gay bar in
Oklahoma City, but was to scared to go in alone. Back at the motel I
walked past a couple of older ladies with pleasent smiles returned.
Working on courage to try again - smiles and hugs from Wichita - PatieK
Patie
Well, it depends on what you mean by "coming out" I guess I'm finally "out."
By that I mean that hat my crossdressing is no longer a secret, but that has taken over six years
taken over six years to happen in a series of small steps building on one another. It has been really scary many times along the way.
I think we have to "come out." We have to do it for our personal health and welfare. Keeping the secret too long is a recipe for personal disaster. Well, that's what I think.
Sofronia Anne Strong
Everybody's situation is different, but it seems that just being
honest is important. I have only come out to my wife and we are thinking
about whether we should share it with our grown children. I have never
been happier. My wife is very understanding and we have laughed and
cried together over it, but we are still together and still working
towards staying together. We have been married 35 years and all that
past deception is gone. I can now be honest about myself with her.
Good luck to all.
Lori
Lori
Coming out is my first real goal as a TS. I have come out to my mother, wife, and therapist and the relife it has brought me has been incredable. When I come out to the rest of my family I can then begin my transition.
Bonnie MacLeod
When I discovered that I was gender gifted, comming out was a real challange. I felt that in order to come out I had to be passable.
I've always lacked confidence in my appearance as a male, and felt I would look worse as a female.
With encouragement from my tg friends and a little education on make up and demeanor, I finally made my debut on April 20, 1997.
I received many compliments from my tg friends and gg's for my appearance and demaeanor. The ulimate compliment came from a gg makeup artist who indicated that I looked like a gg.
Coming out has boosted my self confidence and and truly has made me feel proud to be gender gifted.
It was a definate plus!
Jessie
Jessica
Nope! Well frankly...I've come out, but to other t's...However I will NEVER come
out to my family and friends! I'm a TV...I have no need to...I'm not like gonna marry a guy or
alter my body. All I have to do is just throw all my girl stuff in a trunk and lock it.
To come out to my family and friends would be disasterous. Nope I like being two
people...but not everyone needs to know...In fact, the secrecy makes it much more pleasurable! ^_^
Yolanda L. Gonzales
Comming out to my SO and son is not just a goal, it is a deep seated need. I am on the verge of doing so. The closet is a lonely place, and I have been out in public twice now and love it. I have seen the better side and need to make them aware of who I really am. Last night I cried for several ours on and off trying to gain the nerve to talk to my SO. Yes, it is a must for me, maybe not right for all, but for me I have to do it. What loss can be greater than the loss I am at right now? Hugs, love and best wishes to all my sisters. This is a great group to be a member of.
Terrianne
I'm not sure as to what is meant by coming out? Coming out is usually in reference to Gays. I never came out, I was transformed into the goddess that I am and have always been only more beautiful. I tend to have a problem with grouping all gender desciptions all together into one group. The only similarities are that we are all looked upon as being odd! Not to take away from anyone it's just that I think all should be clarified for the record. So that John Q. Public will be informed of the differences Yes my rebirth was truly amazing and the best decision I've made in this lifetime. Among many!!! Smile. If I had it to do over I would change only one thing, do it sooner than I did.
Amazon
Coming out many years ago changed my entire life in so many beautiful ways. I find my self confidence levels soared to heights
beyond even my wildest imagination. I have met so many wonderful people from all lifestyles and it has changed my entire life forever.
Over time you learn to develop your own female personality and image - and I encourage anyone who has not done this to do so as soon as you can.
Best advise I ever got was - what is the worst thing that can happen to you if discovered ? Even the worst - could never change how I am - or take away from all the incredible things that have happened to me over the years.
Debbie is now a "real live person" - and I get high like no drug could ever effect me. Love to all - Deborah.
Debbie Allen
I have "come out" to my parents and some close friends.
Was it a goal? Not really; it sort of became a quest though! ;-)
It has been a BIG plus for me... I can share an important side
of me w/the people I care about very much. I have generally
chosen carefully whom to tell, and have been rewarded immensely
for my coming out. Now all I need is the coming out party! ;-)
Kim
Kim
Yes I am out, for a couple of years. Not one bad reaction either.
Which still simply amazes me actually.
As far as coming out for others
goes...I think it depends on where you live. I am in the Seattle WA
area so it is pretty easy. Someplace like where I grew up in the
Dakotas would be different.
But coming out in principle is pretty simple. Secrets are a terrible
burdon. And secrets always imply shame to others, when the secret is
"out"! So I think the best policy, and the one which worked/works for
me, is to be very open about it as if it were the most normal, ordinary
thing in the world. When it is presented to people in that way it
totally disarms them. Takes the "juice" right out of the ol'gossip, too!
Mardi
I live fulltime since june 96. It's marvellous !! At last I live the life I always wanted to live.
I got a great complment this evening from a _blind_ TV who was saying to me: " Oh you're soooo feminine !"
I was very touched by that remark. So girls, don't be affraid of coming out, outside there's a lot of air to breath !
Mariejozee Geleick
Comming out is a goal. I've told my wife that I'm TV, as well as one sister.
Just having told those two people has lifted an enourmous ammount of weight
from my shoulders! I can now order clothes through the mail without fear, and go
shopping to the mall. I don't feel sneaky any more, and its wonderful. I think
that eventually I'll tell others, and maybe some day not to far away I'll hit
some T* clubs en femme. That is a goal. Any way, if you have someone to
trust, then tell them. It is a wonderful side of myself, and I enjoy
being able to share it!
Hugs!
Ericka
I think that coming out is a goal for me. I dislike being dishonest,
even if it is dishonesty by omission. I try to be open and honest in everything
I do, with this one great exception. That exception bothers me. Being transgendered
is not shameful except in the eyes of the ignorant. It's not a choice, it's a birth
difference. I don't have to conceal any other birth difference, why being
transgendered?
Christy Kay
Going out - yes indeed. Coming out - no way! In other words: Double your pleasure,
double your fun; develop a second persona - its better than one.
Linda Jensen
No, no, no, never ever would I tell! I live in a great closet, it has large windows, that look out on a large back yard filled with trees, and birds, flowers, and beautiful plants. My closet comes equiped with a large wardrobe, of dresses, skirts, and blouses, lots and lots of shoes, and enough jewlery, to keep a girl happy. My closet also comes with a very loving and supportive wife, that brings me presents, of all kinds of femmine things, infact this year, she forgot to get me anything male for Christmas, and made it very hard to explain what I got for Christmas, to thouse close enough to ask. I have no children living at home, so I have no time limits, on how much time I spend in my closet, and I never have to deal with questions like:
10. can't you stop it if you really wanted to?
09. don't you feel silly in that outfit?
08. what would your father say if he where still alive?
07. dosn't that mean you are gay?
06. Isn't this just a way to rebel?
05. How come your voice is so deep?
04. did you know that will cause cancer?
03. don't you know you can go to hell, for that?
02. Did you know I can See you beard through, your make-up?
and the number 1 thing I do not want to hear is,
01. Do you know, you make a BUTT UGLY, woman?
Sometimes it is just better, not to rock the boat, stay the course, and enjoy the view from the closet door. After a 1\2 century, in the closet, I think I will just stay in here and cheer on the ones of you, brave enough to come out, but it is really not for everyone, and as in the case of the poor airforce piolt, that they say killed himself, rather than be outed, Its a choice we all have to make for ourselves, what is right for one, may not be right for another,
All we can each do, is figure out what is right for ourselves, and then suport the sisterhood, in the ways that our choice leaves open to us, I won't march, or be seen on the televison, but I will VOTE, and I will spend, where it helps the comunity, but I will stay in this box, as long as I can.
That is why for me, this place is so great, I don't have to come out, to know the community. **Luv and Hugs** from a timid Sister
Tina
My wife found out a year and a half ago, and we gradually told our 3 year old. I came out to my family over Christmas. Not the best time to do it, but it was necessary to prevent them from finding out the hard way from my daughter. The whole process nearly cost me my marriage and my future son, but things are gradually getting better and I don't have to change into wrinkled, smelly clothes while parked on a dark side street any more. If you do disclose, read some books and try to do it right, in a controlled fashion. I did all that and still it was like falling off a cliff because of the circumstances.
Love to all,
Josie
I edge toward just being out completely and I know that a lot of people wouldn't be
surprised. I'm out to some friends and some relatives, but I'm also careful
about who I tell. I've written about these things here at length. I buy clothes
and cosmetics for both my spouse and myself, but I still get uptight inside
if it's for me or if I tell somebody new. Go figure. I guess one of the best things about full time/
transition would be to have all that just disappear.
Emily Alford
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