It's The Journey That's Important

By Vanessa Kaye


Aby product of our goal-oriented society is that we tend to place far greater value on the destination, or end result, than we do on the journey. Overlooking the landscape along the highway, and thinking only of how many more miles it is to our destination, results in missing out on the pleasures and lessons we may experience along the way.

When I was living in Tokyo, a friend of mine asked if I would like to go with him to see an archery tournament. I accepted his invitation and following a short train ride to Meiji Shrine in the downtown area, we walked through the gardens and eventually came upon the archery area. I thought it was odd that such an event was being held at a holy place; however, one comes to expect such things in the east.

My friend explained to me that the men who were in the tournament were the finest archers among the priests. He also told me that years and years of training were required before one was allowed to compete in such a competition.

I looked around and something just didn't seem right. There was no "scoring" as would be typical in an archery tournament in the west. The targets had no such provisions for a "bull's eye," nor the surrounding rings. I asked my friend, "How do they know who wins?"

"Win?," my friend repeated. "Oh, you misunderstand. They are not competing against each other. It is not like that at all."

I then asked, "How do they keep their own score. Is one part of the target more points than another?"

"Target?", again my friend replied with question. "The target isn't important at all. It is simply to stop the arrows from going into the trees."

"This isn't a tournament. What's the purpose?" My friend, who often found me to be quite lost in such concepts, replied, "The object is not the target. It is the drawing of the bow. The arrows will find the target on their own. Watch carefully."

I did as I was told. It was simply amazing. The archers, possessing great strength and discipline, were able to pull back their long bow strings so slowly, that it almost appeared they were not moving at all. It took several minutes from the time the arrow was placed in the bow, until the time the arrow was released.

It was then that I finally learned the "secret" of eastern ways. It's the process, the journey, that is important. This can be seen in every aspect of their society. Perhaps the most popular example is the "Tea Ceremony." To an outsider, this at first appears to be an over elaborate, ritualized, waste of time to prepare a not so tasty cup of green tea. However, the tea is not the point. It is the process, the pleasure of watching someone prepare the tea, the porcelain pieces, the bamboo brush, the clothing, and the frame of mind one achieves. The tea itself, is the least important part of the entire ceremony.

In the impoverished areas of the Orient, this attitude is even more obvious. Regardless of the person's station in life, or their task, they take pleasure in whatever it is they are doing. Imagine watching a street sweeper, with a straw broom not a machine, singing and sweeping. There was the newspaper recycling man who always carefully wrapped and tied up the bundles of old papers, in perfectly uniform packages. Why go to such effort? By the end of the day these were going to be thrown into some enormous shredding machine. The answer is in an underlying teaching, "Take pleasure in what you are doing at the moment, whatever it is."

So it is with crossdressers. Linda and I speak with a great many couples. One of the complaints we often hear from spouses and partners of crossdressers is, "It just takes so long for him/her to get ready. It's a great waste of time."

No, it is not a "waste of time." It's the pleasure of the process. The transformation process is one that should be relished not rushed. Like the slow, disciplined drawing of the bow string, it should be enjoyed. Much the same as the target is not the object, neither is the completed external feminine image. It is the process, not the result.

When one takes the time to enjoy the process, whatever the task, the result will follow naturally. Much the same as the arrows found their target.

One dear sister of mine, out of necessity, often transforms herself in her truck or van. This is sad to me. While I know that she has the pleasure of being her femme self for a time, I feel that she is missing out on something very important. She is not able to enjoy the process of transformation.

While I dress quite often, when I am going out, I have a certain "ritual" or "ceremony" that I follow. Much like the tea ceremony, it is the pleasure of each step that I relish, the end result follows naturally.

I begin by preparing whatever clothing I'll be using. If it is something that needs ironing, I iron it carefully, slowly and with pleasure. Next, I select the appropriate undergarments. Finally, I select the shoes and jewelry.

All of the above clothing and accesories are readied. The lingerie is carefully and neatly placed on the bed cover. The shoes, placed by the foot of the bed. The outer clothing is placed on hangers on the outside of the closet door. The jewelry, earrings, necklace and rings, are polished and placed on the dresser top.

Next, I arrange my cosmetics by the sink. I begin by laying out a small hand towel. Then, I make sure to wipe each container and to fluff each brush. Each particular make-up item is placed in the order of use, from left to right on the towel.

Once all of these things are in place, I prepare a luxurious bubble bath. In the bath, I shave carefully and closely. I take the time to enjoy the bath. After drying, I apply a skin moisturizer.

Once ready to begin the make-up process, I pour myself a glass of wine to enjoy and turn on the radio.

The application of make-up can be a great pleasure, if not rushed. Take the time to apply each product in a particular order. Between each step, I sip some wine and wait for the product to set, before proceeding.

As the transformation process progresses, I find that I change internally as well as externally. Gone are the pressures of everyday work and demands. These are now replaced by a feeling of serenity and peacefulness.

The final touches of putting on the clothing, jewelry and hair, complete the external transformation. I take the time to enjoy this image. And, as I look in the mirror, I find that the person I see, agrees with the person that I feel within.

Take the time to enjoy the process. The external appearance will follow naturally.

Hugs, Vanessa


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have completed their first book together, entitled:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.





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