Alaina  Hardie




Diary of a Journey

Alaina Hardie


January 13, 1997

I don't even know where to start. It's been almost exactly a month since my last entry, but I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to update it.

I spent my last couple of weeks in North Carolina tying up loose ends at work and at home. We got the house packed (at least, the parts I was taking), did some ill-fated upgrades to the software at my ISP, and spent the holidays in Richmond with my parents. I had a pretty good Christmas--my parents kept insisting that I give them a list, so I did, and they got me everything that was on it (no kidding!)plus lots of other stuff. I have such great folks! I introduced my brothers to image creation and editing in Adobe Photoshop, introduced my parents to the Web and generally had a very pleasant holiday.

We bought a car the following weekend. It's a Saturn and the Raleigh dealership is having it drop-shipped to the dealership in Santa Clara. It was a great experience--I vigorously recommend Saturns to anyone. And they let us have our dogs in the showroom,too. ;)

I got on the plane at 6:30a on December 30th with my little dog. Everything was fine until we were about ten minutes outside of DFW airport, where we were supposed to change planes. They let me carry Kyrie in my lap and she was sooooo well-behaved.She introduced me to all sorts of wonderful people and was a huge hit.

The captain said that due to fog on the ground we were going to be re-routed to Abilene, TX where we would wait for the fog to go away. No big deal, Abilene isonly thirty minutes or so flying time from DFW, and I figured as soon as we got there we'd turn around and come back to DFW to catch the plane to San Jose. Wroooong. We sat there for hours and hours, until something like 2pm (we were supposed to be in DFW about 9am). We were there so long that the ground crew ordered out for pizza and they gave a slice to everyone on the plane. Needless to say, the ground crew was even more popular than my little doggie. ;)

Disgusting aside: Eight hours is a long time for a little dog to hold it. I finally went to the flight attendants and asked if I could take Kyrie outside. Can't do that. So we got one of her wee-wee pads--a potty-training aid for dogs--and put it on the floor next to the lavatory. I put Kyrie down and told her to do her business and she was incredibly upset. I was telling her to pee on the floor (even though it was on a wee-wee pad). Every time I would tell her to go potty she'd look at me like I was crazy, then turn and point at the door and cry. Finally I convinced her to go ahead and take care of it, and she got lots of treats--crackers, mostly--from the flight attendants who had stood by cheering her on the whole time. If you've ever had a newborn baby you probably realize how happy I was to see her finally get some relief. ;)

To be fair, I have to say that it was probably the most pleasant five hours I have ever spent on a plane. It was cramped but everyone stayed in a good mood. We knew we weren't going anywhere so we made the best of it.

They finally opened DFW and we flew back there. I got to the gate for the San Jose flight,which was postponed until a Boston flight boarded and departed. Five minutes turned into three hours of waiting. Kyrie actually went outside during this time, and she was very appreciative that I didn't make her suffer through another wee-wee pad incident.The flight to SJC was absolutely packed and they didn't let me keep Kyrie in my lap this time. It was three hours and twenty minutes of pure hell for both of us.

Then the rental car that The Company had reserved for me was with National, which is the only rental agency that is not located at the airport. I had to wait for a shuttle with all of my bags, go to the National lot, and then jump through hoops to actually GET a car. I got to the hotel at about 9pm, called Sandie, and then collapsed.

I started the next day looking for a place to live. I hate living in hotels, though this one was a Residence Inn and actually pretty nice. I went and talked to Bay Rentals, and spent the next three days looking at houses listed with them. I finally got a 4 bedroom,2-bath house in a quiet neighborhood in South San Jose, right smack in the middle of suburbia. I'm paying more in rent for this tiny little house than we pay on the mortgage for our 2000-sq.ft. house and 10-acre farm in North Carolina, but it has a (relatively)big fenced yard for Kyrie to play and a nifty open kitchen-dining room plan.

My first day on the job was January 2. It's going to be a great job. I have thrown myself into it with reckless abandon, and I am having a great time.

My first electrolysis appointment was on that Friday. I'm a complete wimp. It really hurts. Well, that's not true. It hurts a little bit each time she pulls a hair out, but there are lots of those hairs on my face which makes for lots of hurt. I'm seeing Rita Reckas (TGForum subscribers: you can read articles by Rita in the library!) who is really really cool. She recommended Emla cream to numb my face. We tried that for my second appointment and it made a world of difference. Now I think I'm going to take a couple of Roxicets (prescription painkillers I got for my knee) and drink lots of wine before I go for my appointments, and have someone drive me there and pour me onto the table so I don't have to endanger my fellow South Bay motorists. ;)

Last Wednesday, the 8th, Dr. Millie Brown had her Group session meeting, which I'm attending now. There had to have been twenty-five MTV transsexuals in that room -- it was incredible! Everyone was sooooo nice and friendly, but I am incredibly shy and didn't meet people well unless they approached me. We spent the session introducing ourselves and giving some personal history. It was such a huge relief to me to finally talk to people who understand what I'm going through! I was very different from everyone, and yet we all had lots in common.

The hospital chased us out of the conference room after an hour and a half, so some folks went to a restaurant afterwards and had dinner. I sat next to and got to meet net personality Michelle Steiner,whose name you certainly recognize if you read the transgendered newsgroups. I met lots and lots of other people whose names I can't remember. Well, that's not true. I remember Brenda, Sabrina and Jen.

I swear, fellow Millie Folks, that I will get your names right within twelve months.I'm so terrible with names. But I do remember faces!

I'm living part-time now. Pretty much I'm only in guy mode for work at the office,which isn't saying much. I mean, I'm there nine or ten hours a day and still get mistaken for a woman by people I don't know. My fave thing so far is watching the guys come into the mens' room while I'm standing at the sink and doing a double-take, then dashing outside to look at the sign on the door--just to make sure they didn't walk into the ladies' room.

The Company sponsors aerobics classes before and after work, and during lunchtime.I have been doing the step aerobics during lunchtime and having a grand time with it!One lady thought I was a woman even though I had my hair pulled back and was in bike shorts and a T-shirt. This is so cool. And they treat me like a woman, too, not like a guy. I love this class.

I'm spending a lot of time hanging out with my doggie, so while we're playing fetch or Fight the Comforter Monster I have time to think. It's interesting work, analyzing yourself. I find that I often fish for compliments, comments or anything to have people acknowledge me as feminine. It's pretty immature and I'm trying very hard not to do it,but I'm so lonely that I have this deep desire to be accepted for who I am. At the end of "To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar", Stockard Channing's character says to Patrick Swayze's character "I love you, Miss Vida Boheme!" Vida looks at her gratefully and says, "I've waited all my life to hear those words spoken with that name."I cried when I saw that. That's how I feel now. That's why I'm so indebted to Jamie, Cindy and all of the other wonderful people who don't treat me like a guy or like a transsexual, but like a woman. Like there's no question. It makes me feel so good.I finally feel like I can be myself and it's a great release. I have to resist the temptation to talk about myself all of the time; often, I find myself saying things to reinforce that my transition is finally happening! After all of these years! No one cares.The people I'm talking to don't need the reinforcement, and I shouldn't either. That's something I have to work through.

And, gentle readers, I didn't realize what cocky bitch I seem to be. I went back and reviewed my diary before starting today's entry and I realize I am lucky to be in the situation that I am. Lots of my fellow transsexuals have a hard time passing, and I probably come off as self-important and kind of a braggart. Please, please, please don't take it wrong. I think I was doing it more than anything else because this started out as MY diary, not something that was going to be published every two weeks on Transgender Forum. I will keep my self-adulation to myself, where it belongs. Better yet, I will try to eliminate my need for it.

You know something else I've noticed? I miss North Carolina. I saw a postcard of the Asheville area--the biggest town in the North Carolina Appalachian range, and in my opinion the most stunningly magnificent place on the planet--today in a bookstore and I had to fight back the tears. It's so beautiful back there. I only lived there for five years but it has become an integral part of my personality. I like California and don't want to make it North Carolina, but i still miss my home. I have to keep telling myself this because, right after my move, it's very hard to deal with. I'm sure I will get to feel like California is my home,and I am also sure I will fit in just fine out here. It's certainly a better place to transition--a larger support community, more resources, etc. But if North Carolina was ever your home you will know why I am upset.

Okay, I'm starting to cry again. Topic change.

I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of weeks decorating my new house. I am particularly proud of the dining room, which is kind of a style mish-mash with elements of the Middle Eastern styles and a kind of Late Period Goodwill Thrift feel. The new paint smell is pretty strong here so I have been burning lots of incense(vanilla and sandalwood mostly). The vanilla scent masks the paint pretty well, and I think sandalwood mixes well with it and adds a neat edge to the atmosphere.

I kinda geeked out at Fry's Electronics (a huge Bay Area electronics chain. I can't describe it. You just have to experience it) and bought 64MB of memory and a 3.1G hard drive for my Mac. Now I have 4G of drive space and 140MB of RAM in my Mac(creatively named "Alaina's Mac") which makes it... well, I guess it makes it a real powerhouse of a Web browsing machine. ;) Seriously, I also finally bought upgrades to Photoshop 4.0, KPT 3.0 and Eye Candy 3.0, which are indispensable for designing web sites in my opinion, so look for an all-new, high-graphics, truly obnoxious version of my web site coming soon. ;) At the very least it will help me to justify all of the money I have spent recently on my computer, which really didn't need anything more added to it. Oh yeah, speaking of that, I also bought Kai's Power GOO, a totally frivolous toy which will allow me to distort pictures completely beyond recognition. It's very cool.

January 23, 1997

So much has happened. I am going to Rita Reckas for my electrolysis. She's a really neat lady who was born in Greece. She takes her job VERY seriously, including some often-overlooked things like cleanliness. Electrolysis is a very painful and tedious process but she has given me some pointers that make it more tolerable. First I am using EMLA, a cream that I got from my doctor--it's a prescription drug. You put it on your face 90 minutes before you start electrolysis and it numbs your skin so you can feel almost nothing. She also suggested taking Motrin (for pain) and Benadryl (because it relaxes you), both of which I am doing. It's all I can do to not scream while she is working on me. I hope this gets better. Sigh.

January 24, 1997

Well, my very good friend at work, who got me the job in the first place, has just accepted a job with the Evil Empire--excuse me, "Microsoft"--in Redmond, Washington. He's leaving in the middle of next month to start work up there. His wife is in school here until May or June so she can't leave. He wanted to know if she could move in with me for a few months so he could pay less in rent and plus she would have some company. Uh-oh. They don't know.

So I told him that I was a transsexual and living full-time outside of work. He was a little surprised but took it all in stride. He talked to her about it and she's okay with it, so I'm going to have a roomie at the end of February. He's the first person I've come out to at work and it went really really well. Maybe this will be easier than I think....

Jan 26, 1997

Wow. The ETVC Cotillion was last night and it was really a lot of fun! Jamie drafted me to help with the techie stuff so I sat in the back most of the time and totally messed my hair up by wearing headphones. Then the lunatic--excuse me, "publisher of TGForum"--Cindy Martin took my picture, so somewhere out there will be a picture of me and my little doggie at the Cotillion. What you will probably notice immediately is that my hair looks awful.

The Cotillion was a real blast. There were seven contestants, all very good, and everyone was sooooo sweet! I saw a few people from Millie's Group there, including Sabrina, whose name I promptly forgot after meeting her a couple of weeks ago. I was really embarrassed when she started talking to me and I couldn't remember who she was. So many of the people there--Trauma, Lulu, Leslie, the list goes on forever--were really great. I am looking forward to getting to know all of them better. Plus there was the house manager, Michael, who is the biggest sweetie I've met since I've been out here.After the Cotillion we all went to Cindy's room, had some wine and some conversation. I wimped out pretty early because we had to drive all the way back from the City to San Jose. But I finally got to meet the famous Lisa Maxwell, which was one of the high points of my evening.

January 27, 1997

I had my first official belly dancing lesson tonight. My teacher came over and we had an intensive 1-1/2 hour class. I reviewed some stuff I already knew and learned LOTS of stuff I didn't.

I feel like a big hole in my life has been filled. I have been looking for something like this dance for a loooooong time. I'm very excited to be taking lessons from such an outstanding teacher.

I am going to practice constantly. This dance is loads of fun!January 31, 1997

Well, I'm going to go see Rita three times a week for two hours at a time until she completes the initial clearing of those horrible facial hairs. Six hours of electrolysis a week: I must be insane. At least I will get it over with.

February 2, 1997

We had the brunch for the cast and crew of the Cotillion today at the Blue Muse in San Francisco. Jamie and I went up together and hung out for a couple of hours, and then came back to San Jose. Brenda--from Millie's group--and Judy came over for dinner tonight. Here comes a great story....

Judy "discovered" herself at the Cotillion. Up to that point she had not known she was transgendered, but she knew something was missing in her life. I don't want to go too deeply into it because it's her business and not mine, but she says that she is really impressed with all of the warmth and compassion in the transgendered community. Me too, Judy, me too.

February 3, 1997

My second belly dancing lesson was tonight. We went over fast shimmies and some zill stuff. Zills, by the way, are the little finger cymbals you see dancers playing a lot. Though I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to play zills and dance at the same time--I think my head will explode if I try it. :) But anyway, now I'm shimmying while I talk on the phone, shimmying while I walk around the house, doing hip lifts and figure 8's while I cook. Belly dancing is addictive. I recommend not taking classes unless you REALLY want to become obsessed with something.

And, oh my Gawd, not only did Cindy take my Bad Hair picture at the Cotillion, but she put it up on TGForum for all to see! That's okay Cindy, just you wait. I'll figure out some way to get even.... :)

I'm really having a much easier time dealing with my transition than I had ever hoped possible. I'm getting so much support from Jamie and all of the other wonderful friends I've made out here, it makes it so much easier to handle. I've been hanging out at Carla Blair's shop (Free Plug: CG Dressers, 408-378-1003, a TG-friendly clothing store and salon) and trying to find excuses to give her money. She has done my eyebrows, given me makeup suggestions, done my hair (which looks much more feminine now). I even bought my dress for the cotillion at her shop. It's so comfortable and friendly there, I just love it.

February 4, 1997

It's very late. I had another appointment with Rita tonight, my first of my now-regular three weekly appointments. This is getting much easier to handle--I guess I'm getting used to the needle. So girls, it does seem to get better. But then I haven't started hormones yet, and I understand it's much harder after you do that....

February 5, 1996

Well, the second Millie's Group was today. The speaker was Dr. Joy Shaffer, a doctor here in the South Bay who works with Millie and lots of her patients. Dr. Shaffer has just completed a study of MTF TS brains and come up with some really interesting results. You will read about them soon. She also talked a little about hormones: how they work, what they do, what kinds she likes to use, etc. Aaaaaaand, she talked about some cosmetic surgery-type stuff she was doing. I definitely need to go see this lady.

After I got back Jamie came over, had dinner, and we played with her new toy, a Tascam digital tape recorder. We recorded me playing lots of different instruments. I am horribly out of practice so it sounded really bad, but it was neat just the same. I'm going to practice some more and then we might record a CD, something I have been planning to do for a long time.

Off to bed. Good night, all.

.


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