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Shopping 101

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF TRANSGENDER SHOPPING

By Jessica Brandon, B.S.
(Bachelorette of Spending)

Hello, darlings!

Welcome to the second edition of Shopping 101, the latest and greatest column to grace the fabulous electronic pages of TG Forum! For those of you who might not know me, I write a shopping column for Renaissance News & Views, one of the best transgender publications around. Every month, I'll bring you my tips, views and opinions on the wondrous world of shopping. I hope you get as much out of this column as I intend to put into it! Now, let's get busy!

One of my all time favorite movies (behind only Pulp Fiction, the original King Kong, and Star Wars) is The Ten Commandments. And no, the reason I watch it is NOT for the cheap thrills from seeing Charlton Heston and the late, great Yul Brynner parade around in skirts, but rather because of it's ostentatious splendor and pageantry, the likes of which haven't been done in Hollywood since. And, lets not forget the parting of the Red Sea, which is one of THE greatest special effects marvels of all time. The reason I've mentioned this is because after my yearly viewing of the movie on Easter Sunday in 1996 (I have it on video, saves me from suffering through commercials when it's shown on ABC!), I was suddenly struck dumb by a terrific idea, an idea where I came up with a list of directives that would pertain to shopping for the sisters in our community. After a few days, I composed my directives which I came to call my Ten Commandments of Shopping.

I: THOU SHALT SPEND WISELY AND SENSIBLY.

My first and most important commandment. Unless you're filthy rich and have money to burn (And who among us do?), don't try to buy everything in sight, just because it strikes your fancy. Especially with credit cards. A cool head must prevail here, or, before you know it, you've spent yourself into a bottomless hole of debt.

II: THOU SHALT BUY QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY.

This commandment pertains to items like pantyhose, cosmetics or jewelry. Case in point: why buy, say 12 pairs of cheap hosiery from a five and dime store which will run like Jackie Joyner Kersee after only one wearing when it's more economical to buy half as many pairs of highly quality hose from a department store that'll last much longer.

III: THOU SHALT BUY CLOTHING TO MATCH THINE AGE. In my opinion, there's nothing sadder looking in today's society than an older woman (Be it the real McCoy or the imitation variety) trying to recapture her youth by dressing like one. Buy clothing appropriate your age, for instance, if you're over forty, for God's sake, don't try to dress like Betty and Veronica! You'll only embarrass yourself.

IV: THOU SHALT NOT SCRIMP WHEN IT COMES TO SHOES.

You can be dressed in the utmost of comfort for an outing, but if you have on ill-fitting shoes, it'll wreck your whole day, not to mention your feet. Splurge when it comes to shoes, buy only the best, and by that I mean leather, not the cheap, man made junk from places like Payless. Your feet will thank you for the consideration.

V: THOU SHALT SAVE THY RECEIPTS.

As I mentioned in my previous column, changing rooms in department stores and boutiques aren't worth the hassles you could encounter. When you buy something, hold on to your receipts and try it on at home. If the item works for you, great! If not, return it. Always be sure to ask the salesperson about the store's return policy.

VI: THOU SHALT NOT BUY COSMETICS AT THE DRUG STORE.

Now, this commandment is open to debate. I used to be highly prejudiced against drug store cosmetics which I considered to be pure crap compared to the pricier department store brands. Of late, the quality of the drug store brands has improved greatly, however, when it comes to getting one on one attention to choose the right product, nothing beats the big stores.

VII: THOU SHALT NOT BUY WIGS THROUGH MAIL ORDER.

One of the biggest mistakes one can make in this area is thinking you can make a wig you bought through the mail look just like the photograph in a catalog. This is untrue as those wigs were professionally styled and cut, and we aren't pros. It's always better to buy wigs in person and, if you're bold enough, try them on to see how they'll look on you.

VIII: THOU SHALT LOOK AT ALL TIMES FOR SALES.

In my mind, there's absolutely no reason to pay full price for anything when, sooner, or later, it'll be on sale. And hardly a day passes when some store isn't having one sale or another. Check your newspapers religiously, or cruise the stores in search of sales, especially around holidays and such. It's no crime to be thrifty.

IX: THOU SHALT DEMAND GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Just because you're a biological male in search of women's clothes doesn't mean you shouldn't be treated any differently than genetic women doing the same thing. If you need help while shopping, don't be afraid to ask for it from salespeople, that's what they're trained to do, provide you with customer service, which is your right as a consumer.

X: THOU SHALT REMEMBER: CASH IS QUEEN! NO MATTER HOW THOU ART DRESSED!

I can't state this any more strongly. Whether you're in your sloppiest male attire, or in full femme mode, you are, first and foremost, a consumer who's money or credit is every bit as good as everyone else's. And since most salespeople work on commission, they should warmly welcome your business, no matter what you look like or what buy!

There you have it, girls, your laws on transgender shopping. Keep them close to your faux breast when you hit the stores and I promise you won't go wrong. If you have any comments about this column, or if you want to share some shopping tips with me, I can be reached at treetop@voicenet.com. Until next time, shop not just with your heart, but with your head!


TG Forum's newest columnist, Jessica Brandon, born, raised and still living in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes onboard with quite a pedigree as she does a monthly shopping column for Renaissance News & Views and is a talented writer, having penned several thought provoking articles for that newsletter. Jessica's other passions along with crossdressing include collecting comic books (Her favorite is "Betty and Veronica") and Barbie dolls, writing, shopping, desktop publishing and the semi-occasional bus trip to Atlantic City with forty dollars and a dream of hitting a million dollar jackpot on the slots, but only manages to break even.

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