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Loving Your Transgendered Partner &
Yourself!
By Linda Kaye
This past week, I have received email letters from three different wives of
transgendered men. Each of these wives expressed fears about really getting
to know their husband’s femme side, and all three expressed doubt about their
own sexuality and desirability. I answered all three women with essentially
the same message:
Dear Wife/Partner:
This letter is for you alone. The primary thing to remember is that
your husband’s transgendered nature has absolutely nothing, and I mean,
nothing, to do with your attractiveness, desirability or your
sexuality. You need to convince yourself of this, and believe in your
own sexuality. You are a desirable woman, with the need for
fulfillment.
If you really look deep within yourself, you will see
this. Your sexual fulfillment is your own responsibility, so don't deny
yourself the opportunity to reach for the ultimate satisfaction.
I had a wife write me just yesterday about this very issue. What she
and I determined was that her husband's femme side turned him on, and
she began to feel insecure, unsure of her own worth. She found that his
being turned on while crossdressed was a threat to her own sexuality. I
suggested the following to her: First, get to know the real femme person,
with no sexual attempts. Instead, start talking to the femme side, become
friends with her first. Find out what makes her tick - ask the femme side
what she feels when dressed, help with the make-up, and learn to laugh - not
at her en femme husband but with her. Try things like sitting down to a nice
dinner for two; watch television together or any other “normal” activity, yet
do it together as two women.
There is so much laughter to be had in all of this. Vanessa and I
laugh all the time. I encourage Vanessa to be herself always and once
we got over the initial shyness, she became who she really was. She is
vampy, bitchy, silly, full of laughter, always arousing to me, and so
full of life, you can't help but love her. Which is another thing -
you need to fall in love with your husband's femme side. There really
is a difference between "her" and "him." Thus my suggestion to this
other wife that she begin a relationship (non-sexual) with the femme
side of her husband, giving herself the opportunity to fall in love with her.
You might want to try this.
When I first met Vanessa privately, I had no idea how I would
react to her. She was so much fun - she came out of the bedroom in a
long, black satin and velvet robe, full makeup and hair, and it was such a
major change from the male side! We danced in the kitchen, drank wine, and
talked for hours. And we laughed and laughed together. It was an enchanting
evening, which we both remember, even two years later. Eventually, we became
intimate, and it was fabulous. Living and loving with Vanessa is a delight.
We constantly live out our fantasies - she is as interested in mine as
much, if not more, as she is her own. With Vanessa, I can be whoever or
whatever I want. I make love to her as a woman, but I am not lesbian. The
male parts are still there, but fantasy allows us to be whoever we want to
be. But my pleasure comes more from the fantasy of the whole situation. You
really have to put aside all of the fears, all of society's doctrines
(remember the British - you make love for Queen and country??) Baloney, you
make love for YOU. And you seek your own fulfillment as well as that of your
partner. It is a joint effort, not one-sided. We both suggest that your
partner have patience with you as you explore all of this. And always,
always communicate - don't stop talking, don't be shy - this is your
lifepartner, the one you trust the most.
Hope this helps a bit. There is such excitement, fun and fulfillment
in store for you two if you can get over the initial barriers. As you
explore and help to fulfill one another’s fantasies and dreams, you will
reach a level of intimacy which few will ever know.
Good luck - and enjoy!!
Linda Kaye is married to Vanessa Kaye, who also writes for Transgender Forum. They operate the Couples Network and have their own web site you may enjoy.
Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.
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