First Steps

By Leah MacLean


Would you like to share Your First Time Story with us?
It's easy! Submit your copy by e-mailing it to Cindy Martin here at TGF.
Hope to hear from YOU!

Alone in a dimly lit room, I pause for a moment and try to relax just a little. I don't believe I'm actually doing this. The reality of what I am about to do is finally hitting home. The sound of people quieting chatting in the room below reaches my nervous ears. Hurriedly I kick myself into motion before I can talk myself out of going down to the room. Walking on wobbly ankles and a fluttering stomach, I go to the head of the... Oh no, stairs! I hadn't thought of the possibility of negotiating stairs in heels. Suddenly visions of ambulances and emergency rooms flash before my eyes. My heart rate ratchets up a few more beats... again. Steadying myself on the handrail, I catch a familiar sight in a nearby mirror. There I am, in all my glory. I wonder how I will see myself after this meeting. How will I be different? First things first, I tell myself, get down there in one piece and then worry about it. Looking down, it dawns on me that in many ways, the stairs before me will be some of the biggest steps I will ever take in my life.

Drawing upon courage from an unknown source, I put aside thoughts of broken necks and tentatively put my left foot onto the first step. No problem here... Hey, what was I worried about? The right foot automatically moves to the next step. Ha... this is easy. Piece of cake. I keep going, gaining confidence with each step. About halfway down the stairs, I get really cocky and try to go faster. The heels playfully snag the carpeting on the stairs, and threaten to spill me ass over underwires down to the main floor. I grab the hand rail in white knuckled terror and manage to stop myself before I rudely tumble into the crowd below. I can hear my insurance agent now, "You want to know if your health insurance covers WHAT?" I stop and take time to compose myself, thankful that no one else is on the stairs with me. Gripping the handrail with both hands now, I continue on, abandoning all illusions of grace and concentrating instead on simply surviving. Soon I was near the base of the staircase, I feel a profound sense of relief, the odds of serious injury were greatly reduced now. I hit the landing at the base of the stairs loudly in my trademark "clop" and wobble a little, but remain upright nevertheless.

True to my nature, I feel self conscious and scurry off to the safety of a chair in a corner. I say little, preferring instead to listen to the goings on around me. People do their best to make this newcomer feel welcome and I do feel welcome, but inside I'm still a bundle of nerves. Even six months ago, the idea of wearing a dress in front of total strangers would have been the stuff of nightmares. Robin sits down beside me and we begin to talk. Before long I find that we share many things in common and talk comes more easily to me as the evening passes. Several people come up to me and talk and introduce me to others. They're doing a much better job of being friendly than I am. There's no way I can remember all of the names of the people that I've been introduced to. I begin to regret my decision not to put on makeup. At this point in my "career", my makeup application time is far too long; I didn't want to spend two hours in front of a mirror in others' way. The wig that I thought would be just the "thing" is not cooperating. I feel gross. My beard shadow steadily worsens as the evening passes. I feel "grosser." In spite of my appearance and shyness, I am having a wonderful time. When was the last time that I felt so at home?

Robin invites me to go along with her down to the parking lot to get some pop. At first, I decline, but then the spirit of adventure hits me and I decide at the last second to accompany her. We go out into the cool night air and down some more damn stairs. There's no Velcro carpet here though, and my life doesn't pass before my eyes during the descent, not even once. Robin heads for the motel office. Warning sirens wail in my head. I'm not going in there and I tell her so. She says, "OK then, wait here." I wait outside and try to blend into the shadows. I might as well have a flashing red beacon atop my head blazing the words, "READ ME" on it. Too tall, short dress, heels, and damn near a day's worth of beard growth; yeah, you bet, I'm going to fool everyone. A Ford Bronco across the parking lot backs out of his stall... five times. I try to act nonchalant while trying to blend into the wall in front of me. After what seems an eternity, Robin comes out of the office; the Bronco, thank God, is finally gone. We make our way to the pop machine on the side of the building. Oh Boy! Ice and snow, balancing acts on curbs, bouncing off of dirty cars, heels sinking in the mud... This is so much more glamorous than I had ever imagined it would be! As I wait for Robin to get her pop, I suddenly realize that I would make an easy target for every redneck in Douglas county by standing here in front of this brightly lit pop machine. I slink away and try to find cover of some sort to hide behind. Two slightly flattened pop cans and a pile of cigarette butts are all I can find. Why can't it be darker at night? We've been outside for hours now it seems. At last Robin has her pop and we are ready to go back up to the room where it's safe and warm, thus ending my first time "outside."

Too soon it is time to change clothes, time to go back to reality. My first RCGA [Iowa] support group meeting is over. As I reach the top of the stairs, I see myself again in the mirror. Hey, what's new with you? As I study my face, I detect a gentle gleam in my eyes, a soft hint of recognition that I've never seen before. I have been given a magnificent gift tonight and my eyes reflect that gift in a warm and subtle glow of peace, hope and understanding.


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