Keeping the Journal

 

The Glimmer Of Your Soul

By Anne Marie


How many people keep a diary, a journal, of events that take place in their lives? Does this personal perspective get added to, updated on a daily basis, or is it just a tool with a frequency that's updated when the notion strikes and something important has happened? Gee what a question. Mundane to some. Essential to others. I call it the "Glimmer of your Soul".

Hello, my name is Anne Marie Pemberton and since early last year when coming out became important to me, I've been keeping a journal of this journey that I'm on and trying my best to make sure that it stays current. When I go full-time it'll be very interesting to see where I been.

How time flies when so many things have happened, and has yet to come to fruition. All those little things that we tend to forget. Sometimes you try to remember what it was that made you feel a certain way on such and such day, and for the life of you, you can't remember. It's usually something that's not really important, but just the same it's an impression that's now secured deep within your memory cells, and will require some unique association to get to it as time goes on. Especially that sudden out-of-the-blue runnel of tears that becomes a cry. What brought that on? Of course like many of the sisters on HRT, I'll experience some mild depression from time to time without knowing where it's coming from, just living through it, but it's usually associated with a few tears. But these events are captured in the "Journal." My daily book of impressions and experiences.

There's so much that goes on in the life of a "girl" who is beginning and starting transition that you need some personal outlet, a static place of reflection where you really can stay connected with your feelings. At a recent session with my therapist I told him that I'd been keeping a journal and that it provides me with a reference point where I can actually see the plans in my live coming together, visually discern where a detour might be if I'm so inclined to look that far, and generally being able to take stock in me and what I'm thinking about. It's not intended to be an autobiography, but it's the closest this girl is going to get to writing one.

Actually keeping a log of ones life; not every detail, but brief notes, thoughts, (Shouldn't have eaten all those peanut butter cookies. I regret it already) is healthy and provides you with another task to be considered and taken care of daily, even if it's a simple line such as, "Gosh I feel really good today," "Glad I had that talk with Dad." Something to say, someplace to be. This has nothing to do with a security problem, it's another form of personal commitment to yourself. A guaranteed way that you will be able to reflect back on where you've been and perhaps even more important Where you're headed and maybe how you got there! No smoke and mirrors for this girl.

One Saturday evening a couple of girl friends of mine were over, and after serving some refreshments, one lady set her glass down; close proximity to my journal, and without noticing it while swinging her purse from her shoulder she knocked over her glass and drink went surging across the table. In a split second she snatched up the tome from harm's way as I was coming back from the kitchen just around the corner from the dinning room where we were sitting. Knowing what had happened I saw tears in her eyes when she told she'd almost inundated my journal. "You'd have killed me Anne," she exclaimed. "No, I'd have cried." Then we both sat down and had that silly little important cry, that men will never understand. It was a happy cry, and it found it's way into the journal.

Everyone has their methods, but for me it's keeping in touch.

Love to all.

Anne Marie

P.S. Anyone wishing to contact me, please feel free to do so at: mpembert@atorm.hq.nasa.gov


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