The Other Woman

Do you ever feel as if you are competing with an elusive siren? Or like a fifth wheel? Or as if your world could collapse with the flounce of a skirt (worn by your man)? These are some of the experiences confided in therapy by women in relationships with men who crossdress.

The feeling of being in competition with another, more gorgeous yet intangible competitor may arise in a woman when her spouse becomes enamored with his own femme aspect. A man may develop a narcissistic preoccupation with his appearance when crossdressed, spending what his partner considers to be an inordinate amount of time or money on clothing and make-up. At times he may obtain such excellent results or purchase such beautiful items, his wife becomes jealous. She may feel unable or unwilling to compete and come to see herself as dowdy or unattractive in comparison. This is a very confusing experience for her, for of course, there is no other woman.

This may lead to her feeling like an "extra" in an already complete scene. She may see herself as unwanted and unneeded as she observes her man preening and admiring himself. I am not talking about the experience of freedom and delight that ensues when a crossdresser "comes out" to his partner and finds her accepting and willing to help him find clothes and make-up that are flattering. Understandably, he will enjoy a brief period in which he focuses on adorning himself. But in time, this preoccupation usually recedes to take its place along with a variety of concerns and interests. In some couples however, his femme aspect increasingly demands attention to the point that his partner comes to feel that she is an intruder, a bystander, and irrelevant.

Another concern women have raised is that of mounting insecurity fed by their observation of their partners' taking more and more risks. A woman may notice that her spouse is increasingly careless about assuring that he has privacy when dressing and making-up. While initially they may have shared a common level of concern about discovery, a woman may see her partner develop a sense of entitlement to express himself in spite of the censure this may elicit from friends and neighbors. At times she may have difficulty impressing him with the fact that her social standing is equally at risk and that any decision to go public has to be a joint one.

The above situations are not inevitable consequences in a relationship with a crossdressing partner. They are, however, possible outcomes when one person puts his needs above those of his partner in a committed relationship. At such a time counseling can be useful. Initially it serves to de-escalate hurt and angry feelings. Later it can create a climate in which partners can listen to one another without judging or defending--neither of which contributes to further understanding or the developing of strategies to address their concerns. At that point communication, negotiation and compromise can save the day.

Dr. Anderson is a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She can be reached at 415-776-0139.


© 1997 by Barbara Anderson & 3-D Communications, Inc.


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