
A Funny Thing
By Jami Ward
Many moons ago, when Cindy drafted me (OK, I kinda volunteered, too) to
write a column for TG Forum, I think she was hoping for a little light
humor along the lines of the "You Might Be Transgendered If..." piece I
originally did here. Instead, she's gotten something (as they say on
Monty Python) completely different. This month, however, I'm going to be
different and try being humorous again. There is another reason for this
particular column: to keep me honest.
This column is actually a
transcript of the comedy routine I did at last year's Southern Comfort
talent night, and in order to prevent me from recycling old jokes and
passing them off as new this year (if I get to perform again), I'm
putting the old jokes out here where everyone can see them. Well, yes,
technically, I'm recycling them now, but I'm not claiming that they're
new, see. Actually, this column is not a verbatim transcript, since I
have yet to find a copy of the tape of the show (anybody out there got
one?). But it's pretty close, and if it doesn't seem funny now - hey,
all I can say is that the audience laughed last year, so I guess you just
had to be there.
Showtime..
"Howdy! My name is Jami Ward and before I get started here tonight, I
wanted to pass along some late-breaking news that might be of some
importance to this crowd. I just heard on the radio backstage that a
spokesman for the Lee Pharmaceutical and Cosmetics company has
announced a large explosion and fire had occurred at the company's
adhesive research laboratory. He stated that while no one was injured,
the adhesives research lab and all their notes were completely destroyed,
and that this will mean an indefinite delay in the release of the
company's long-awaited "Lee Press-on Breasts". I'm sorry to be the
bearer of bad tidings.
"Well, I AM from Texas, even though I might not look it. I'm not wearing
a Peter...bilt gimme hat, and I don't have two first names. But the
definitive thing that I don't have is big Texas hair. I make up for
that fact by having big Texas feet, though. But that's OK because you
know when you have big feet, you also have big...shoes to put on them.
I swear that my feet have gotten bigger with time, too. Maybe gravity's
just pulling us all down into our feet and if we lived to be 500, we'd
all be wearing those big clown shoes.
"I was born in southeast Texas and grew up there and in southwest
Louisiana, which is the heart of Cajun country. Because both Tex-Mex and
Cajun cooking are more than just a little spicy, I was raised on hot
food. You can tell when your food is TOO hot, though, when you start to
self-cauterize your hemorrhoids.
Growing up in both Texas and Louisiana,
on top of being transgendered, led to some real confusion for me. When I
was a kid and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I
initially answered "Pretty", until I figured ut that they were asking me
about a potential career. Well, then the wild-west Texas side pulled me
towards being a cowboy, because they got to wear high heels all the time,
while the strong Louisiana Catholic side pulled me towards being a
priest, because they got to wear those long dresses all the time.
However, once I got old enough to really understand what "celibate"
meant, I knew right then that I was going to make a hell of great cowboy.
I actually started my working life in the Navy, in the submarine
service. And if you think about it, being a submarine sailor isn't all
tha different from being a cowboy: stuck out in the middle of nowhere
with a bunch of foul-mouthed, horny men - I personally loved it!
"A quick joke I first heard while I was in the Navy: The doorbell rings
at a whorehouse and the madame opens it to see a midget with no arms and
legs only six inches long. She looks down and says to the little man,
"You've GOT to be kidding!" To which the midget just looks up, smiles
and replies, "Hey - I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
"I don't know if y'all are familiar with Jeff Foxworthy, but he's real
big in this neck of the woods. Since he's a native redneck, he has tried
to offer warning signs of potential redneckness to the public at large.
You know, like "If your house is on wheels and your car is on blocks, you
might be a redneck." Well, following Jeff's lead, I have some warning
signs of my own for all you guys out there. Here we go: If you find
yourself at work checking your face in the mirror for traces of
Dermablend, you might be a crossdresser. If you know what Dermablend is,
you really might be a crossdresser. If you can operate the self-timer on
more than 3 different camera models, you might be a crossdresser. If
you know that Dick Docter is not a urologist, and that Virginia Prince is
not a pipe tobacco, you might be a crossdresser. If pluck is also a
swear word in your vocabulary, you just might be a crossdresser. And, if
you wear a gimme hat to hide a wig line, you might be a redneck
crossdresser.
"Just so you know, I don't do political commentary because politics is
ridiculous enough all by itself, but it struck me that Jack Kemp and OJ
Simpson both played for Buffalo. Make of that whatever you will. (And
while you're doing that, remember that you should never attempt to pass
on the right.) In the same vein as political commentary, I don't
normally tell jokes that target a group of folks that I'm not a member
of, but I have to make an exception tonight for my friend Michelle and
tell you just one lawyer joke. Do you know what you call sky-diving
lawyers? Skeet.
"In closing, I'd like to leave you with a couple of thoughts: Two wrongs
don't make a right, but three lefts do; Any beauracracy is very much
like a septic tank in that the really big chunks always rise to the top.
And, if you're here and you're enjoying yourself, you just might be
transgendered."
So, if they let me on stage the night of October 3, I'll be up there in
Atlanta with some new material. Before I go, I want to thank everyone
out there who expressed their concern and support after I mentioned last
month that I might not make it to Atlanta for Southern Comfort this
year. I can now report that, unless something drastic happens, I WILL
be there. Thanks, y'all! (And next time, send some e-cash with that
e-mail - OK?)
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