Sallyanne Ofner


Talking To My Child

By Sallyanne Ofner



Daddy!
Lipstick!
Earrings!
You look like a girl!


I had spoken with our son about my being transgendered, transsexual, actually, several times previously over the past three weeks, but this time he chose to initiate the conversation with me-while I was on a ladder in my ankle length summer skirt, trying to replace a fallen carriage bolt which holds our garage door opener together and his mother was trying to get her car out to take him to his golf lesson. Kids never cease to amaze their parents, and they keep us young.

It all began when I read Melanie Phillips' biography about a year ago and learned that at least one transsexual woman had been able to transition with her children present in her home. I had known about my own issues for many, many years but had suppressed the need to transition because I felt that leaving my family would be too much to bear both for me and for our child. This changed last summer when it became apparent that, for my own health's sake, I would need to seriously explore my transgendered sense of being, if not to actually transition. I began the process through re-researching the matter in July, began therapy last September, HRT in October and am now on the verge of transition to RLT.

My spouse and I had agreed that we would not bring up my being transsexual to our son until his second grade had been completed in order to permit his performing his school work with a minimum of disruption. But, now Summer vacation has been upon us, and it was time.

All children are special and different, and ours is no exception. He does well in academics, follows his own mind, sometimes in exploratory acts of rebellion but often toward surprisingly positive, mature ends. He loves athletics, is a natural competitor and thinker in sports, and is a beautiful, wonderful little boy. What would happen to his sense of security when I told him his father was a woman and not a man? I planned this part of my transition very, very thoroughly.

There is a common thread of thought among those who have maintained a successful relationship with their children during and after transition.

  • This a natural thing affecting you physically, and they will not catch it.
  • You are still their father inside. You only look different on the outside. Their father is not gone, he only has changed on the outside.
  • You will still be there for them when they need to be with you, and you love them very, very much.
  • You will provide for them.
  • You will take care of their needs
  • You may be a better father now that you have been able to take care of this disturbance which has plagued your life.
  • They have to continue doing well because you still expect them to reflect well upon themselves.
  • Their life should be as undisturbed as possible (this is not an easy task but it can be accomplished).
  • Do not explain more than the child can understand, and let her/him ask questions rather than provide a complete, detailed explanation which could make the child more susceptible to issues not immediately important.
  • Give them time to absorb the information and remember: KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid!).
In theory, this program works. In practice, it is a bit more difficult to implement. But then, plans are made to be general outlines of behavior and action to be modified as conditions dictate. (This is about as old as military science, I suppose).

That night, he began experimenting with names for me other than "Daddy" because "girls are not daddies." He went to sleep calling me "vroom-vroom," and yesterday, tried "grandma." We rejected that, and now he seems happy with Sally. But he will undoubtedly continue his exploration of names and ideas until he is satisfied with the result.

So, what else to do now?

We are embarking on a short, partly planned vacation with me as Sallyanne to give him time to get used to it. We will play golf, fish and play tennis. Maybe even read some and hear a New Mexico storyteller, too. It should help him, me and my spouse.

Now, does anyone remember how to put a worm on a fish hook?

Sallyanne Ofner will provide us with occasional reports on her son and their relationship


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