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A Lot About Living,
A Little About Love

By Shannon Wade

When the judge brought down his gavel twelve years ago and ended my marriage to my high school sweetheart, I thought it was also the end of my male existence and the beginning of my female one. The death knoll on this first relationship had ended years before, for the wife in this complicated agreement could never accept the side of me that was not masculine. To her, it was like a cancer eating at our relationship, and eventually, the patient died.

After walking out on this sad affair, I left behind a devastated woman and two lovely children. I was bound and determined to get on with my life and to explore the obsessive feelings within me which drove me to want to become feminine. I vowed to myself never to get involved in another relationship with a woman, and that by living alone I could do the things I wanted. Selfish ambitions took precedent and I began my journey.

After two years of being responsible for only myself and paying child support, I'd gotten into the groove of dressing regularly and being Shannon at will. The only restrictions were economic ones placed upon "her" by the need to have her male income to survive. This meant I had to tolerate my male alter ego and accept that I must "Wade" into the water, not jump in and drown. It was foolish to think I could cut off my male personae totally until all this was planned out perfectly.

I hadn't factored in the equation of another woman coming into my life. I was a resigned bachelor , and another affair was not in my plans. Or so I thought. After dating several women and keeping them at bay in matters of the heart, I stumbled across a woman that intrigued me and caught my attention like no other. She was almost fifteen years my junior, and she was bright, vivacious and very attractive.

Not meaning to, I fell madly in love with her. In the two years since my divorce, I'd dated gorgeous women, all of them shallow and self centered. I'd been intimate with men, exploring my femme self's attraction to them. I was always Shannon and dressed and I found being with a man was a natural thing which I took pleasure in. Yet something was missing ! I wasn't female, and neither was I male.

Julia and I dated for a year and finally we lived together for a year before we decided to get married. It was a time of trepidation for both of us, for we both were coming off bad marriages and had both let it be known to friends and family that we'd never do this commitment thing again. WRONG!

So, what about my femme side and my secret desires? Did I confess these to her? If so when, and how much did I tell her? To begin with, I wanted no part of this relationship if I couldn't be honest going in. No, I didn't tell her that first dating year, but after we'd lived together for a few months, I did sit down with her and go over everything about myself...from A to Z. I feared losing her at this point, yet I knew if this frightened her off that it wasn't meant to be. I owed it to her and to myself to be totally honest about this obsession. I explained my history, and my childhood when I dressed in my mother's clothing.

At first she seemed relieved, for she perceived me to be merely a transvestite, yet the more I talked, the more she could tell that it was far deeper than just a clothing fetish. I really wanted to BE a female, not just dress as one. The outcome of all this, after she had time to digest it and to research it, was that she loved me for who I was, not what I was, and she knew my heart was pure, my soul was gentle and that I truly loved and adored her. There were a few tears from both of us, yet all in all I saw in her an acceptance I'd never had with my ex nor any other human. We knew it wouldn't be easy, but that because we were in love, it was worthy of the effort to try and make it work out. Would I give up the notion and idea of feminizing my body and wanting to be a woman? She hoped I would, yet in her heart, she knew I would always have this desire. I told her not to expect that ever to happen...the desire hasn't waned one bit since that day.

Passion and marriage seldom mate, yet it was thus for Julia and me, and still is, ten years later. My ex couldn't handle her parental duties, so I got custody of my son and with the birth of another daughter with Julia, our family became a centerpiece of my attention. Shannon never left my side, and I continued to dress, sometimes at home, yet mostly on the road when I traveled on business. As the trips became more and more frequent, I began to have stronger urges to purge my male self and explore this feminine side more. Did Julia know this? Yes, I told her. I wasn't getting any younger, and my windows of opportunity were narrowing. Aging is a natural thing for all of us, but is quite difficult on a transgendered person. I began seeing a therapist, and discussing my options.

I experimented with hormones from across the border and finally when I got up the nerve to tell Julia, she was alarmed. Not because I was taking the substances, but how I was doing it. She'd seen the changes happening to me, my match size nipples expanding and my areolas increasing to the size of a silver dollars. She isn't blind, nor stupid, and the wisps of perfume, remnants of make-up from my trips, the shaved under arms, the plucked brows, the shaven legs were all indicators of this obsession increasing. When I told her I was on hormones, I saw the hurt look on her face, and expected her to fly into a rage, but she didn't. Instead we hugged and she told me she loved me, and would support me if this is what I wanted to do. I cried for days, and ultimately, she suggested that if I must take these substances, to do it legally and with a physician's sanction. I will never forget going into that clinic and telling them I was there to get a prescription for hormonal therapy. They were very kind and helped me get my blood tests and after a few sessions with their psychiatrist, it was determined I am transsexual, and that hormones were the proper course. Since I was already taking them, it only made sense to do it properly. I was given a spironolactone supplement to lessen my testosterone levels and at first I was given estradiol injections. After three months I was on an oral regimen and remain so to this day.

How does Julia feel about all this? How far do I plan to go with it? Will I have SRS? Am I having electrolysis? Is the marriage doomed and divorce the only option? As for this last question, I can only say I would like for this relationship to last, yet since I am transgendered, I can forsee the day when I must decide if SRS is truly an option. If that happens, will she stay with me? I wish I knew that answer...I do not!

Julia still would rather I be "her man", yet she knows now that goal is probably not a realistic one. I still work, 18 months later, in my male profession and have not moved out or thought about divorce. As for SRS, sure, that is an option, for I truly do desire to be complete, yet with my height and other restrictions, I must overcome some masculine appearing features before I even consider it. I want to have cosmetic surgery to my nose and to my eyes. I don't believe I will need implants, as I'm already a B-cup, and in the next few years should easily fill out a C-cup. My weight has been a struggle and Julia has helped me keep up my diet and I've begun exercising more to get firmed up. Electrolysis? I've had a few hours, but I have put more emphasis on body shape than this. I do intend to complete this over the next two years. I have little to no beard and very sparse body hair, so it isn't an overriding concern.

Where do I expect my relationship to go with Julia? For now, it remains a constant, and even though I am a sexual neuter now, I can still satisfy her and for others like me, in similar stages, I suggest you keep your S.O. just that...SIGNIFICANT! She must be shown attention, both in and out of bed, and the things I like, such as jewelry, flowers, perfumes, lingerie, cosmetics, etc. are also things I lavish on her. We exchange some intimate items and it is a rather unique situation to say the least. Spending a day at the mall with a wife who understands my feminine needs is a blessing, and she helps me with make-up and hair styling, and all in all it is a glorious time for me. I think she has learned to not be intimidated by this side of me, and she knows what makes me happiest is when I get something feminine for Shannon. Though in a way, this part of me is her rival, she knows it is still ME, and she loves all of me now, including Shannon. I have a perspective few others have and see things from both the male view and female view; she likes this characteristic in me.

How do I feel about others outside my marriage? My attraction for men increases the more feminine I get. I have "sisters" with whom I meet, and if they are CD, I often find myself attracted to their male identities. No, Julia does not know I have these rendezvous, and I will not disclose them. It is best not to decive her, yet I need to explore this attraction privately for now. I am still wading into the water, as it were, and until I'm sure of the depth, I shall not swim into a sea of sharks. It doesn't mean, however, I won't try out the waters to see if I can swim and keep my head above the waves.

My recommendations to others? I fear ever giving advice. Others may just take it, and I don't want that on my conscience. Since this is an article on being TS, I would say, "Follow the three P's...Patience, Persistence, and Planning. Be patient with your desires, don't let the urgency of them lead you into doing something stupid, and don't get so anxious that you leave behind you a trail of tears and broken hearts. I did this, and it was no fun, believe me.

Honesty is always the best policy, and if I could turn back time, I would have confessed to my ex, and not gotten her or me into something that just couldn't work. Be persistent! No goal is reached if you don't continue to strive for it. I know all of us have been through our purges and denials, that is a part of human nature and guilt something associated with being transgendered in a relationship. Yet, if you truly desire to become feminine, don't waver from this, and to thine own self be true. Plan your course of action, and stick to the plan as closely as possible. Sure, life often interferes with the best plans, yet it is best to know where you are going, if you ever expect to get there. Each of us has a planned destination, and where one of us expects to wind up may be radically different then where the other wants to go. Whatever the goal is, I wish all of my sisters the very best. It isn't an easy road we travel, yet the journey is one we must all take if we ever expect to live out our dreams.


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