Hello loyal followers, it is I, your guru and spiritual advisor, The Diva. Soon we will gather by the thousands at Neiman Marcus parking lots around the country and leave this dreary existence to ascend to a higher plane. (Or some mumbo jumbo like that.) To prepare for the meeting with our Space Sisters you must all renounce your worldly goods. Cleaned, in style, designer fashions may be sent to the Diva, care of TG Forum. Please make sure all dresses are size 10, unless cut small, in which case I'll need a 12. I have enough costume jewelry so just send your real gold, silver and jewels.
When our Space Sisters arrive, please don't stare at their heads. The poor things can't help it, and with the right eye makeup those big black eyes can be very alluring. There's not much they can do about their skinny little bodies either but don't worry, many of them are making thousands doing runway modeling when they're not cruising the galaxy.
When they land don't act like you're at an eighty percent off sale and push and shove to crowd into the saucer, there's plenty of room inside since the space ladies are adept at dimensional engineering - the ships are bigger on the inside than on the outside... kind of like my closet.
Don't worry about that small surgical procedure either. It's optional. Most crossdressers will need their testosterone producers to stay interested in all the glamour of our new space life. And there won't be any of that suicide stuff. I don't know about you, but I just don't look my best in black and purple with a dead pallor. Well, OK, I did that look a few times in New York City clubs back in the Eighties, but it was hip then.
So stand by girls. The invisible signals will be transmitted when it comes time for us to gather. There should be no problems with the transference to our new outer space home... unless there's a big clearance sale at landing time.
Now, here's all the dish that fits!
How come the TG community seems to have a problem with names? Sure, it's complicated cause we have to pick our own, but doesn't that give us a better chance of having a good name than if our parents gave it to us years ago? Looking at some of the types of names people pick it makes you wonder.
There seem to be three main types of name pickers at work. Number one: The Three Name Club. These gals all have three names. For example, Peggy Denise Smith, Bobbie Ann Smith, etcetera. Are they all Catholic and the middle name is their confirmation name? Maybe they're all Southern. That three name thing is big in Dixie. I say, why have a middle name? I have one in my male mode and I hate it. It only serves to make my initials look interesting.
Speaking of initials, that's type number two: The Initial People. They go to the trouble of picking out a first name like Debbie or Sue. Then they ruin it by not having a last name... just an initial. Debbie W., Alice K.. (See how it screws up the end of a sentence?) It's annoying. At least to me, but then again I am a cranky old Diva. I just can't understand why, if they went through the trouble of picking the first name, they can't pick a last name. I mean, do you think you'll find Gardner on my birth certificate? No way. I made it up. My real name is much harder to pronounce. Actually Gardner is the name a friend of mine's family used when they made dinner reservations. Most people couldn't handle their ethnic name so they picked Gardner as a close approximation, and it sounded good to me. That way, when someone asks me my name I just smack them in the chops and declare, why I'm The Diva, you chump! Oops, sorry, I got carried away. What I meant to say was, I just tell them I'm Angela Gardner. Having the second name give's one greater credibility, don't you think? I do.
So, all you Initial people... get busy. Pick a last name. Be all you can be! Strike a blow for name freedom. Don't be trapped as an initial with a first name for the rest of your lives. You are somebody. Let your new last name reflect it.
I got so carried away with the first two types I almost forgot the third type of name in the TG community: Postal Names. This category only applies to those girls living in their PO boxes and they only have a limited number of names to choose from. The most popular are Occupant, Resident and Boxholder. Not very creative at all and certainly not very feminine. Come on ladies, if you pick a name you can build up a persona and maybe then you can get out and meet some other folks and have fun. Besides, you don't want to be addressed as Ms. Occupant, do you?
A name mixup led to comedy hijinks on the
sitcom Men Behaving
Badly.
The worst behaving of the men,
played by Rob Schneider of SNL, is named Jamie. He is an amateur photographer,
and male chauvinist pig. One day while surfing the Net, probably on
his roommates account cause he's that kind of guy, he sees a
photography contest with a $5000 prize. It's supposed to be images of
women so he submits a shot he took of a beautiful woman in top
condition running by two women of more than ample proportions. (I put
that so
PC. They were fat, OK?) He gets a letter that says he has won the
prize. Of course he get's all excited and quits his job at the
pretzel stand and makes plans to spend the cash.
Then, his roommate points out that it seems to be a women's photography contest. A careful reading of the letter indicates that his name has made the contest people think he's a woman. He quickly decides to do what any red blooded guy would do. He decides to dress up to claim the prize.
His outfit is not too good. As his roommate's girlfriend points out, he looks like a Mexican hooker. A red sequined dress, red sequined platform shoes and a cute page boy, bobbed wig complete his ensemble. He claims he found the dress hanging in his closet. His excuse, many women have exited his bedroom in great haste.
Then, at the last minute he gets an attack of conscience. He decides to go to the award ceremony as himself, wearing a really bad, pastel tuxedo from the Salvation Army. As he arrives at the podium, after being introduced as Jamie. He starts to tell them he's a guy but the words he chooses make the audience, which includes many butch women, think he is a drag king. When he hears them yell out, "Go on girl!" he remembers the five grand, realizes what's happening and goes with the flow.
I never watch Men Behaving Badly and only caught this show because I saw a promo featuring Schneider in a dress. I enjoyed the drag king twist on a plot that could have been pretty predictable. Keep your eyes on the television listings in case it reruns.
Boy do I have some hot dish. It seems (according to my unimpeachable source) that the US Postal Service had a contest to provide an image for a Breast Cancer Awareness commemorative stamp. Well, they found a winner, printed the stamps, and also did promotional poster sized prints. One of those prints came to be framed and put on the wall of the meeting site of a certain transgender support group in the Philadelphia area. The picture has been there for months and it has only recently been revealed that the woman in the picture is not really a woman. According to my source, who I refuse to reveal on pain of imprisonment, it's a transvestite.
This is possible since the photo is of a woman's (or TV's) back. Her head is turned to the right and we don't see her whole back. No actual mammaries are in the shot. She has rather short hair and if you look closely at the base of her neck it starts to protrude ever so slightly right where an Adam's Apple would begin. (At least it does after you know the truth.) Now, I'd like to say I had a feeling about the picture but, I really didn't. Well, maybe just the vaguest subconscious feeling. Kind of a crossdresser's intuition. Apparently it caused quite a scandal at the Postal Service when they found out.
To me the weirdest part, maybe we should call in Scully and Maulder, is that this picture came to be placed on the wall at a transgender meeting site with no one aware that the subject of the photo was really a TV. The therapist who had it framed and hung had no clue until just recently.
Cue the Twilight Zone music and pan to Rod Serling in a Chanel suit with matching bag. "Submitted for your approval, a Postal contest submission that does more than decorate the wall at the Greater Philadelphia Chapter of Renaissance. It's a photo that takes you beyond the self examination area and into The Twilight Zone."
Oh, darn that Rod. He gave away the location of the picture. Well, if you visit Ren. GPC you'll know to look for it.
Number 10. "Yo mama, let's make hot monkey love."
Number 9. "Now there's a girl with upper arm definition."
Number 8. "Well, I guess we can wait to see which restroom she uses."
Number 7. "Hey, she looks kind of butch. Could she be Ellen Degeneres?"
Number 6. "No, she's much too young to be Christine Jorgensen. Must be another TS."
Number 5. "Nah, Tula's not that old. It must be another TS."
Number 4. "Look dear, I think it's that fella from The Birdcage."
Number 3. "No, I think it's that Tootsie character."
Number 2. "Look ma, a drag queen."
And the number one thing a crossdresser doesn't want to hear when she's out in public: "Excuse me sir, but I thought you should know you have your skirt hem caught in your pantyhose."
Here's a question for my loyal followers. No, it has nothing to do with preparing to leave for space. It concerns conditions here on our little portion of this ball of mud we call Earth. There has been a suggestion made to major groups in the TG community that a new organization be formed to manage a fund for transgender activism. Currently we have the Winslow Street Fund to dole out cash for activism, etcetera, but those who propose this new fund want it to take a much more proactive approach to getting the cash out of your purse and into the fund. Then the money could be utilized to do good works for transgendered people, whether it is something in the form of providing pay for lobbyists to champion our cause to state and Federal government, to pay for protests over mistreatment of our sister and brothers, or to eventually be slipped to candidates as soft money so that they can buy new dresses. The funds' proponents' are correct when they say that the transgendered community will only become a recognized force for change when it gets large quantities of cash available.
Money talks. No doubt about that. The question is, should we set up a new fund? Is it necessary? This fund would be there to benefit you and the TG youth of tomorrow. (Bridge to the future, and so on, blah blah.) Let me know what you think. Send me an email and I'll let you all know what my readers think. If they think about anything but their feminine finery... they're my readers after all and that's all I ever ponder at any length.
And with that I must take my leave. My cucumber
facial and manicure await. Ta ta till next month my little chipmunks.
If you have an comments, tasty dish, or scathing critiques... send
them to The
Diva.
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