
How I Got Here
By Paige
Edited by Cynthia Smith
|
Would you like to share Your Story with us?
It's easy! Submit your copy by e-mailing it to Cindy Martin here at TGF. Hope to hear from YOU!
As I sit here at my computer, in our spare
bedroom turned office, trying to put down my thoughts on how I
arrived at this point in my life, I am wondering where did my
femme personae came from? I don't really have an answer for that
question, but I think she has always been a part of my being.
My first memories of identifying with the opposite gender were
in early childhood. As a child I shared a bedroom with my brother
and I recall play acting or role playing as we lay in bed at night.
We would fantasize, as I suppose most children do, but more often
than not I would end up playing the role of the "lady".
At that young age I don't think I though anything of it, but my
longing to act, dress and be like a lady blossomed. By the time
I was twelve or thirteen I was secretly experimenting with makeup,
wearing my mother's lingerie, and curling and styling my hair
as a girl would. I remember I would often lock myself in our bathroom
pretending to have a bath, while dressing, applying makeup and
doing my hair (can you imagine a twelve year boy wanting to bath
so often, for so long). My parents never suspected, or at least
they never let on that they did.
I soon found myself interested in girls for reasons other than
wearing their clothes and I convinced myself that my compulsion
for wanting to be feminine was not right. In an attempt to purge
myself of my longing to be female, I plunged myself into the world
of competitive athletics. I was very successful in my athletic
endeavors. Over the years I won seven provincial championships,
in two different sports, and competed internationally. My success
in sports did not eradicate my femme yearnings. Yes, my concentration
on athletic endevours kept my mind focussed, and did not leave
much room for anything else, but the longing to be female survived
and would resurface over and over again. Other than my sports
activities and the fact that I had an uncontrollable yearning
to be female, my high school years were somewhat typical of a
normal red blooded Canadian male, and I somehow managed to make
it through high school without anyone finding out my little secret.
I met my wife of now 24 years in my last year of high school
and we were married my first year of college. The growing shame
and guilt of my feminine desires and the fear of destroying our
relationship would not allow me to reveal my secret to her, but
my overwhelming need to express my feminine side persisted. I
continued to dress en femme when the opportunity presented itself.
My secret was almost unveiled in my second year of college. Some
days I had no morning classes and I would on occasion use the
opportunity to dress. One afternoon I did less than an adequate
job of removing my mascara, which was noticed by a classmate.
I had to do some fast thinking, and some fancy if not fictitious
talking about my wife's experiments in applying her mascara on
me. The incident made me far more cautious, and in the future
I took greater care in looking after the little details which
may put an end to my secret. After graduating college and entering
the real world, my occupation allowed me to spend the occasional
day at home. On many of those days I seized the opportunity to
fulfil my femme desires.
In the twenty four years of my marriage, like many of the other
stories I have read, I have been through the cycles of the desire
to be female and dress, followed by shame, guilt, purging and
the return of my desire to be feminine. Although I say my desire
returned after purging, I really don't think it ever really went
away, and probably like many of our sisters it grew stronger year
after year. About three years ago my desire to dress and be more
feminine more and more of the time became almost overwhelming.
I would take every opportunity to fulfil my needs including taking
days off work to spend time at home as my femme personae. I often
thought of telling my wife but couldn't bring myself to do it.
I was afraid of her reaction, of losing her, but I think most
of all of hurting her. My gender confusion continued to fill me
with guilt and shame. My fear of being discovered, fear of loosing
everything in my life that mattered, my wife, my children, my
family, and my job, consumed me. However, the overpowering desire
to become more and more feminine persisted and was growing stronger.
By the time I was in my early forties my mental state was becoming
very precarious, yet because of my fear of being "discovered",
I chose not to seek help. Then, a little more than two years ago
I was thrown a lifeline. I decided to subscribe to an Internet
service provider and through it discovered a thriving transgendered
community and the Transgender Forum. I was not alone! Although
I knew I was not the only person to feel the way I do, I had no
idea that the transgendered community was so extensive and organized.
I poured through all the resource material I could find. I even
got up the courage to go to the library and loaned books (Brain
Sex, and Kate Bernsteins book "Gender Outlaw"). The
courageous stories, helpful articles, answers to FAQ's, and fabulous
pictures I found on the web, and TGF in particular, comforted
and inspired me. My shame and guilt subsided, and I became more
at ease with who I am.
Despite this, I still could not get up
the courage to face my wife with my gender confusion. Then one
evening, about a year and a half ago, it happened. While my son
was at soccer practice, Liz (my wife) confronted me with a purchase
of cosmetics, which I had carelessly left tucked away at the back
of our filing cabinet. In retrospect, I sometimes think that my
subconscious mind had made me leave them there on purpose, hoping
they would be discovered. However, the cat was now out of the
bag, so to speak. I could have tried lying my way out of it but
I had been living the lie for far too long, I decided it was time
for us both to face the truth.
I took her into our family room,
had her sit down, and told her of my gender confusion. To my surprise
she took it remarkably well. When she found the cosmetics, her
first reaction was that they belonged to another woman, what she
did not suspect was that the "other woman" was her husband.
I explained what I knew of my "gender identity problem",
and of my lifelong yearnings to be female and feminine. She wasn't
mad or angry, she was concerned, both for my well being and for
the effect it may have on our relationship. We both had a good
cry and talked for many hours that night on how we would deal
with this change in our relationship. We agreed to keep it between
our selves for the time being, perhaps at some latter date we
would inform other family members of my "gender identity
problem". One thing that we did decide was that we would
not tell my son. A twelve year old's psyche is a very fragile
thing and we did not want to risk the emotional trauma that would
result from the realization that his father was a crossdresser
or transsexual.
I was so relieved after the telling was over, it was like a great
lead weight had been lifted from my chest, I had been freed of
this lifelong secret and could at last share my feelings with
someone. Since that fateful day the relationship and bond between
Liz and I has grown even stronger than it was before. She has
been very supportive and understanding of my desires. Over the
last year and a half she has helped me shop for clothes, lingerie,
makeup and even chose a name " Paige", for my female
side. She has given me constructive criticism on my appearance
and complemented me when I look my best. On the first anniversary
of her finding out about Paige, Liz presented her with a very
special card and a single yellow rose, which signifies friendship.
My "look", mannerisms and attitude have improved so
much under Liz's tutoring, and as a result my confidence as Paige
has soared. I have on occasion, but with great care, taken short
excursions out of our home, and hope in the not to distant future
Paige and Liz can go out together, perhaps to Wildsides in Toronto,
or to a quiet little restaurant for dinner. All in all I have
come a long way in the past two years, both as a person and as
a woman. I owe this in part to my friends at TGF, but mostly my
growth is the result of the love, caring, support, and thoughtfulness
of my wife. Two years ago I was on the brink of who knows what.
Today I am more content than I have been in a very long time,
and although I would like to travel further down the path in my
desire to be female, it would be far to selfish of me to burden
the people I love with the hurt that I know transition would bring.
As I finish this article Liz is downstairs reading an article
which I recently printed from the TG Forum (She Said, She Said
by Stef and Doris Mathews), and my son is off enjoying himself
at a local theme park. Every now and again I turn my head, glancing
sideways to view myself in the ceiling to floor mirror I recently
installed. The sight of my femme personae dressed in a black floral
print georgette dress, with hair, makeup, and nails meticulously
done, is reflected back. My reflection as Paige pleases me, and
I enjoy each and every opportunity which allows her to be seen.
I often find myself wishing that her reflection would greet me
every time I glanced into that mirror, or any other mirror for
that matter, but I realize that my dream will not happen. I must
be content, therefore, to remain who I am, as I am, and cherish
the uniqueness of the person or people that I am.
Forever
Paige
|