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Leaves & Rivers

By Vanessa Kaye



During the months of October and November, Linda and I had occasion to drive from Oklahoma City through Arkansas. The drive, usually less than exciting, was magnificent. The Fall weather had arrived and the sight of the leaves was spectacular. As I was born and raised in the upper Midwest, this time of year has always been my favorite.

Not long before our last drive, I was listening to National Public Radio’s (NPR) “All Things Considered.” The host was interviewing a horticultural expert on the subject of “Leaf Viewing” and the causes of the various colors. The interviewer wanted to know why various species of trees had different colors. I was amazed at what the guest stated. He said, “The colors that most people refer to as the ‘Fall colors’ are always present; it is simply that you can’t see them during the Spring and Summer. What changes is that the green of the chlorophyll goes away.”

Linda and I have driven Interstate 40 back and forth between Arkansas and Oklahoma many, many times. During most of the year, all of the trees look the same. We generally see only a mass of green. Yet now, with colder weather setting in, the differing trees are quite obvious. It is during this time of year that we can truly appreciate the unique beauty of the various foliage.

Much as the leaves of all trees are not all the same color, so it is with people. Each one is an individual, with his or her own ‘colors.’ When people strive to blend into the crowd, all one can see is a ‘mass of green.’ It is only when a person allows their individuality to come forth, that we see the reds, golds and browns. This is when we can easily see that not all people are the same. It is also when the world becomes most beautiful.

Regardless of what many people may say about the hazards of expressing individuality in our country, it must be admitted that our society is more tolerant than many others. I well remember the warning I received in Japan about expressing one’s personality, “The nail that sticks up, will be hammered down.” At least here, while individualism may be viewed as unusual, it is not discouraged.

Much the same as nature has a way of revealing the natural color of the leaves, so to it has a way of forcing a person’s individuality and uniqueness to the light of day. If you are a transgendered person, you know well what I am talking about. Trying to suppress or deny your inner gender-nature is like trying to divert a raging river. The water will not be held back for long and will eventually find a way around any temporary dam. The very act of trying to hold back the flow of the water is what is ‘unnatural’, not the river itself.

It is impossible to recount all of the stories of denial that I have heard over the years, but I will share a few examples with you. There was one crossdresser who told us that it wasn’t until their wedding night that he (and his wife) discovered that he had an affinity to women's clothing. According to the story, while the new husband’s wife was in the bathroom, in the honeymoon suite, the husband saw the new bride’s undergarments in a suitcase. “Hmm? I wonder how those would feel, if I had them on?” he thought. So, the new groom tried on the bra and panties. “It was at that moment that I became a crossdresser,” this person states. While I am not saying that this is a prevarication, I do find it difficult to believe. More palpable is that the husband felt, “I might as well let her know now.”

Another story is of a couple married nearly twenty years. Suddenly, the husband states, “I thought, I must be a crossdresser.” When asked, “Well, did you ever dress in women’s clothing before?” his response is confused and less than clear.

In both of these cases, I say that the “colors” were always present. The occasions upon which these two persons claim to have suddenly become crossdressers is when the “green” drained away. Or, in other words, when they acknowledged who they were inside.

There is nothing wrong with a person coming to terms with being transgendered, gay or anything else. In fact, I encourage people to look inside and let their true colors show to the outside world. What is wrong, I think, is trying to obstruct nature. Much as the leaves will eventually show their true colors, so must human beings. If a leaf stayed green forever, it would have to stop its growth, or interrupt its life. Celebrate the colors of fall foliage, celebrate self-expression.

Our lives are like a flowing river. Whether the current be swift or slow, it will, despite all attempts, continue to move. Like the river, it is ever changing. If you should step into a river, you can never step into the same water twice, it is constantly moving and changing. So it is with life’s journey. If you make any resolutions this New Year’s, let it be that you will not interfere with your life’s current, and that you will not keep your true colors hidden.




Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis.

They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person.

They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.




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