By Dr. Alycia Ellison While reading an ad in a magazine one evening, I turned to my mate, Jane and inquired innocently, "What do you think of this advertisement?" "What advertisement," she remarked. I showed her a copy of an ad entitled, His Clothes for You. It was an ad showing a model wearing a double breasted man's suit, complete with white shirt and tie and black patent leather shoes. However, her makeup was impeccable. Her reply baffled me somewhat, she thought it was fabulous although it was not her style. She favored pant suits of silk with more flair, but she also stated I think it would fit you nicely. She went on to say, "It is the style of the nineties, it reflects power, confidence and ability and enables the woman of today to achieve the competitive boardroom attitude necessary to get ahead in the cutthroat market of today, where man have the edge. The badge of competency. It goes with the search for equality that has haunted woman down through the ages. the search for power and prestige. We have won the right to vote, and achieved many of the things most men take for granted, promotions, achievements in the business world, political status, but still we are deemed by society to be demure and defenseless, too soft to make hard decisions. We are considered mankind's caretaker." In a way this is a strange turn of events as woman have chafed for centuries under oppression and in underdeveloped countries many still do, still seeking what most men take for granted. In the fifties and sixties, woman were taught to have the house spruced up, take a shower and have the dinner in the oven. When her man came home, she waited by the door, drink in hand possibly, ready to greet him after a hard day at work. Historically, the man supported his family and showed his love by congratulating her on how well she treated him and his house. In the eighties and nineties, in light of today's opportunities, physical and material needs are not good enough for this type of relationship to survive. Women have more options in lifestyles. In fact, as a result of failed marriages, they often have had to re-educate themselves and now generally have adopted a more masculine view of life, not only mentally but physically as well as having the option of wearing any style they desire. In the daytime, when they go to the office, they can wear a suit and tie and exude confidence through liberation and women's rights becoming more aggressive and assertive as they struggle to the top of the corporate ladder. At night they can come home, exchange the business suit for a black crepe dress with a plunging neckline and heels, exude sexuality and exert power of another type over men they come in contact with. Perhaps, we are all looking for equality in a different direction, after all. The society in which we live, however, is highly structured around the married couple and their offspring or "family unit" which at the present time is in the process of extinction or severe change. However, it is still considered irreverent to depart from this organized and socially accepted tradition. Two feminine persona in one family, especially if children are concerned, would definitely create problems and warp images in their later adult lives. Thus in our society certain taboos are already created. Society fails to understand that not everyone fits into the stereotypical "normal family unit." They react with scorn, laughter, cruelty and in some cases, violence, to those who suggest or practice anything different such as single member family. or a crossdressed family. To the wife suddenly confronted by the revelation that her husband likes to wear feminine clothes, the illusion of the person she thought she knew so well is shattered, and her dreams for the future are irrevocably broken. The husband on the other hand, witnessing her reaction, realizes that his dream that she will accept and embrace this other side of him is equally shattered and it is now revealed to be totally unrealistic, a fantasy concocted in his imagination. I am reminded of a quote from John Greys' book on relationships; "A relationship that sustains the magic of love is one in which we do not try to change the other nor deny ourselves. A relationship blossoms and attraction is sustained when we can both support our partners in being themselves and receive support for being ourselves. we must learn how to give support according to our partners unique needs we must also learn how to receive support without giving up who we are. Learning to appreciate and respect our difference is essential if we are to have a mutually supportive relationship. It is this love that supports us through the inevitable periods of resistance, resentment and rejection." In the nineties, movies and television talk shows exploit this new trend of transgender explosion. Society accepts it to some extent as entertainment but, in reality, the stereotypical behavior is avoidance and ridicule. A man who [cross]dresses is considered queer, gay or perverted, often resulting in provoking anxiety and discomfort. The answer to this quandary lies in two views of reality; Inner reality and external reality. Inner reality is how we see ourselves and everything with which we interact. External reality is how our senses and our preconceptions of the world influences our inner perceptions. These two views of reality create a constant tension for us because invariably we see ourselves somewhat differently from how we have to present ourselves in order to "get along" in the external reality. We must balance our inner reality with the imposed social necessity of being compliant with the external pressures towards conformity. Each time we put on feminine clothing, we start to play the role our inner perceptions say is the most desirable role for us. We may experience some fear often resulting in compromise. Managing our personal anxiety and fear levels, and bringing our feelings under control becomes a real part of expression of the "woman within." One of the most intense pressures to conform is the pressure of one's mate or loved ones. This pressure is very powerful and often influences individuals to violate their inner reality by staying in denial and refusal to get in touch with their feelings. On the other hand, the reaction of a mate or loved one can influence a weak person to go overboard and walk a path to disaster. This is particularly true, if he is motivated to try to be someone he isn't. In crossdressing conferences involving significant others and their mates, the issue of trust is usually discussed and often the issue of disclosure is explored. Some wives do not have a problem with trust. Many wives come to understand why they were not told initially about their husband's crossdressing, due to the fear of being rejected or humiliated. Wives frequently understand their husband's fear of losing them, but It is much harder for them, however, to empathize with the deception of "I'll get married, and the crossdressing will go away". Some crossdressers, not understanding it themselves, believed that the less said the better. The outcome often depends upon the manner in which the crossdresser shared his feelings with his partner. If the crossdresser is secure in his identity, he will usually be able to discuss with empathy his wife's issues, and recognizes her fears and anxieties. By treating his wife with empathy, he helps decrease the threat she may feel to her own femininity. Other wives, however, have much more difficulty trying to understand why they were not told prior to the relationship becoming serious. Being able to trust their partners is very important to them and they now wonder if there are other issues of which they are unaware . There are no easy answers as to how to help both the crossdresser and his significant other to resolve this issue of trust. The crossdresser has to truthfully convince his partner that there were reasons for his reticence, that this does not mean he is incapable of trust in other areas. The significant other needs to try to understand why her partner was hesitant and to allow him the opportunity to prove he can be trusted again. In this regard, a wife's ability to understand why a crossdressing husband didn't communicate depends on the explanation he gives. Most wives have no frame of reference for incorporating crossdressing into the relationship. The burden to provide information is on the crossdresser and failure to do so may be the reason for the resulting failures in many marriages. A positive step entails giving one's wife, books and other material about gender issues . Participating in activities for couples may help her learn and understand that crossdressing need not be a negative factor in her life. But above all else, he needs to allow her to progress at her own rate and keep the lines of communication open. Keep crossdressing down to a minimum for a while until she gains confidence. It will also help her to accept crossdressing, The answer to the above dilemma is again trust, confidence and communication. In many regards, people enter marriage full of romantic images, expectations and dreams. Girls grow up with the idea of a hope chest and a knight in shining armor, ready and willing to sweep her off her feet and then... the "charade" ends when the knot is tied and reality sets in. The reality of marriage is a constant struggle resulting in the "great compromise." A struggle to confront reality when it conflicts with your hopes and dreams. What! My husband wearing a dress? Never! What will my family think, the neighbors and our friends? What makes it work is the two involved people (partners) deciding the shared life is worth the struggle of their uniquely shared lifestyle and different values, dreams, aspirations and values. There is no easy way, no automated formula for marriage and human relationship. In fact, if one evaluates the mathematics of the human equation, there are infinitely more chances of error than success. Yet for those who find the key, it is a rewarding struggle and highly positive experience. In fact a wonderful journey to struggle and reap the rewards richer than any one could ever imagine. |