Too Much of a Good Thing

By Vanessa Kaye

I believe that it was Mae West who said, "Too much of a good thing is wonderful!" I quite understand what she was saying; yet there are some exceptions.

Linda and I are regularly corresponding with couples. Usually, these exchanges are initiated by the spouses or partners of crossdressers. They have just recently discovered, by one means or another that their male partner is a crossdresser. We do our best to explain this phenomenon and how this need can successfully be incorporated in a relationship. Providing that the existing relationship is a good one, this generally works just fine.

The problem comes after the wife or partner has come to terms with this and accepted the "other woman" into the relationship. The crossdresser seems to feel that they now have carte blanche to do whatever they wish in order to further their realization of complete transformation into the femme self. They tend to make unilateral decisions without consulting their partners and go at "light speed" to immerse themselves in their new found freedom.

What's wrong with this picture? It's obvious to us, and to the spouse or partner. Unfortunately, the crossdresser can't seem to grasp the idea that there are two people involved in this journey, not just one. From the initial contact, up through the first "meeting" of the now femme partner, all steps were taken gradually, and together. Once the crossdresser believes that she is free to express her inner self, she takes off and tries to make up for a good deal of lost time.

It is at this point that the damage is done. If you are a crossdresser with a spouse or partner, you need to realize that they are trying their very best to cope with this new idea. Often, it is quite difficult for them to understand that you "need" to wear female clothing and fantasize about being a woman. Generally, in order to save the relationship, they try their very best and make some great steps towards accepting this "femme" self of yours.

It is important to go slowly. Simply because your wife or partner has said, "Okay, why don't you go upstairs, shave, put on your make-up and dress. I'll be up in a little while to see how you look." does not mean, "Dress and prance about as often as you like." Nor does it mean, "Okay, let's go out shopping as girls tomorrow." It means exactly what is said: "Let's try it tonight and see how it goes."

I have a little maxim that I share with others. It is what I refer to as "The Law of Diminishing Returns." In short, this means that the more you experience, the more you will want to do in order to have the same feelings of transformation. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to explore more of your feminine self and develop her, this needs to be done in accordance with your partner's ability to cope with, and share in, your journey.

This journey of femininity should be a shared one. If you go at a pace that your partner is comfortable with, there will be fun, instead of stress. Talk with one another, discuss what the next steps will be and clearly define the current boundaries. Don't exceed the limits of your partner's comfort zone without asking.

All the while that you are exploring your femme self, remember that your spouse or partner cannot feel what you feel. They cannot understand the burning desire that pushes you ever forward. Communication is the way to relate these needs and feelings. It is essential that you share as much of your journey as possible. If you do this, chances are that your relationship will be better than ever and that the two of you will be closer than you imagined possible.

Remember, too much of a good thing can be bad. Make sure it doesn't happen to you.


Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have completed their first book together, entitled:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.





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