Making Sense of It All

Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

My Gender Story

Every once in a while I am asked to tell, in brief fashion, the story of my gender change, the whole story, not just an aspect of it. Given such a request, it is the brevity itself which poses a challenge, for how does one recount briefly what has transpired over an extended period of time? By compressing feelings and events into summary statements, how does one do full justice to the confusion and pain which usually accompany gender change? Where is the depth of such experience given a superficial rendering of it? In the face of such a challenge, I believe I have found an answer, at least for my own gender story, which does justice to the struggle I have experienced and which, at the same time, can be shared briefly. I am referring to the use of poetry followed by some clarifying commentary. Therefore, let me begin right away by sharing with you a poem entitled, appropriately, "My Gender Story:"

If you want to hear my gender story,
gather all around,
and I'll tell you what it's like to live
when life goes underground.

I was raised to be a macho man,
the silent type and strong,
but all through school and then at work
I knew my life was wrong.

I stayed in school, I kept my job,
I even grew a beard,
but when I looked at how I felt,
I felt my life was weird.

I tried to love the powers
that should make a man so proud,
but I really loved the flowers
and felt distant from the crowd.

When I saw women's lips and legs,
I saw my secret wish:
to have those lips and legs as mine,
to be that sexy dish.

The thought of all this troubled me,
it made me hurt inside,
for how could I do manly things
with dreams I could not hide?

I bravely fought my secret wish, I even married twice,
but pantyhose on shaven legs
remained my secret vice.

I turned for help to find the truth
and found I needed breasts,
so now I sport a matching pair
and pass most gender tests.

Sometimes I wonder: Why all this,
when life could be so straight?
But I admit I love my curves,
though not to hurt my mate.

I guess I keep confusion down
by knowing who I am
and listening for those welcome words:
"So nice to meet you, Ma'am."

Perhaps the first thing to notice about this poem is its underlying humor. Such humor is intentional, for I have found that, in the midst of the seriousness of my gender change, I have to be able to laugh. Otherwise, I might be truly depressed by the whole experience. A major aspect of that experience is described in the first eight stanzas, which depict the secretive or underground conflict between the way I was raised, on the one hand, and the way I really felt about myself, on the other. But it is only in retrospect that I can find some humor in it all, for the inner torment and pain I experienced during its unfolding was no laughing matter. I felt my very life to be at stake.

Going to school was increasingly difficult over the years, though I somehow managed to concentrate sufficiently to obtain a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, and then a doctor's degree. Holding a professional position was not always easy, either, for without a secure sense of self, I had difficulty relating to the rest of the world. As a professor, I was effective in the classroom, but I had difficulty with committee work and with the requirement to publish regularly.

I married and helped to produce three children, but I was never fully present as husband and father. I was preoccupied with gender and sexual fantasies that simply interfered with my domestic responsibilities. This is not to say that I did nothing at home, but my inner discomfort created a significant, though secret, interference. As I have already indicated, there was no humor about this situation at the time it was unfolding. In fact, family life only served to increase my inner confusion, for on a daily basis I was confronted with the discrepancy between expectations of me as a male versus what I wanted as a female. At times that discrepancy was almost intolerable.

My marriage ended in divorce. In retrospect, that ending represented the beginning of my self-realization. But it was during a subsequent marriage that I was finally able to seek help for my gender confusion. Fortunately, my second spouse is still with me, difficult as my gender change is for her. She never knew of my inner distress until I revealed it to her eight years after we were married. Of course, I had to reveal it to myself first, for I could not verbalize that which I myself did not fully understand, let alone accept. My spouse and I love each other very much, but my gender change certainly does not simplify matters. The mating of two souls is undoubtedly a deeper relationship than the mating of two bodies, but in a world of social and physical realities, even soul mates have to work on their total relationship.

As I look back on my life, I realize, of course, that I could have done without gender confusion and the resulting gender change. Life is complicated and challenging enough without additional problems. But I am what I am. Maybe God was momentarily distracted at the moment of my creation, but I will not argue with Him. All I can really do is deal with the situation He has created for me. Out of it all I have gained some insight into life, perhaps a bit more than if I had not been faced with this phenomenon. Actually, facing the inner truth about myself, even in the midst of outer fears, such as social rejection and job insecurity, has been the most liberating aspect of my gender journey. At last I am free to be, free to laugh as well as to cry, free to be me. Compared to my initial gender confusion and, in my case, the transitional process that followed, the rest is simply life. As I have said, the problems of life in general are not really simple, but given my gender journey, I welcome them as a challenge to my reintegrated sense of self.

Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.


© 1997 by Human Dimensions & Transgender Forum