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Let's Get Physical

By Linda Kaye

I recently heard from an old friend in the community, whom I had known a few years ago. A crossdresser, he had first contacted me because he had just come out to his wife of 15 years about his transgenderism, and he thought perhaps I might be able to help his wife. From the day he told his wife, she stopped all physical contact with her husband, and he was forced to move to a spare bedroom. The physical separation was not just sexual, but included all forms of touching.

Naturally, when he wrote me a few weeks ago, I asked about the situation, and essentially, they are still living like strangers in a house, no longer a real home. They have been this way for more than 5 years.

In this community, you hear a wide range of stories, from both the transgendered and the partner. A lot of the stories are fairly commonplace, and a great many are sad. Once in a while, there are stories of great happiness, and those are increasing, thank goodness.

But of all the stories I have heard, I think the situation between my transgendered friend and his wife is possibly the saddest.

If you think about it, affection between people is a vitally important part of any relationship. When a child is born, it is the affectionate embrace of the parents that creates the bonding with the baby. The baby must have physical contact: it is the gentle touch on his back, or the kiss on his cheek that he relates to. Even in the womb, a baby responds to touch. Touching is a vital part of the growth of a child, and children crave the warmth of their parent's touch.

We don't change when we grow up. Affection between friends and lovers is an important part of the relationship. Friends hug each other or slap each other on the back. It is an expression of the caring for that other person, on a friendship level. For lovers, touch is the expression of love for the other. How barren is a relationship without affection, without that touching. How unbearably lonely each partner must be, when there is no hugging, no kisses, no caresses. It must be the hardest part of being lonely.

If you have ever attended a support group meeting, you will find that members really have missed you since the last meeting, and a great deal of hugging goes on. This is sharing of friendship, of caring about others just like yourself. Sometimes, the touch is to console, or to encourage someone who is having a hard time. It is also welcome. An example was at a recent meeting I attended - Vanessa and I had been talking and corresponding with a CD for some months, and she finally showed up at this meeting. Even though we had never actually met her, we both welcomed her as a friend, with hugs. It helped ease her nervousness and she realized how very welcome she was.

I think it is very important to look at your relationships and review how you treat your partner. I am not talking about sexual touching here, although I believe that affectionate touching is very much a part of a sexual relationship. It is what adds the love to the sexual encounter. What I am talking about is to look at your relationship and see if you give your partner the nurturing he or she needs by expressing your love through touch. Do you kiss and hug when you get up in the morning? Do you kiss goodbye as you leave for work and when you come home? Do you hug your partner during the day, when doing normal activities around the house? Do you hold hands when you sit and watch TV or when you are out in public? Do you touch as you sleep and hold each other at night? All of these are what gives intimacy to your relationship. You share your love in the most primal of ways - by touch.

There are people who do not like to be touched most of the time, but when they open their hearts and accept the affectionate touches of the one they love, I believe it is an expression of their trust of that partner. And their trust is a privilege to be honored. Some partners have a difficult time showing affection, in words or by touch, to their partner when he is crossdressed. They are no doubt working through the issues, or may have issues within the relationship that have nothing to do with the transgenderism. I find this very sad, because I know how wonderful a relationship can be when not only is there mutual love, but there is affection, touching, caring of each other, even when one is crossdressed. It makes no difference to me-it is the person in his/her entirety that I express my love to. Perhaps what I have found is an ideal to reach for, something rare, and I am grateful.

To me, "I love you's" without personal affection are empty statements. Love your partner wholly, by telling them of your love, and backing it up by expressing that love through touch.

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