By Dr. Alycia Ellison The dynamics of a healthy relationship are complex indeed, yet are also deceptively simple when each individual is emotionally secure and has appropriate expectations framed in effective communication skills. Sounds good, doesn't it! But very difficult for most of us to do because we mainly get in our own way, as we stumble in the way of each other. We are products of our past experiences, our former relationships our family of origin dynamics, all combined with our present or current needs and expectations of the future. With all of this, we should give ourselves a hand, for caring, trying and the endless hope of connecting with a soul-mate to journey this life experience with. Now add the very complex and challenging issues of transgender and the simmering pot begins to boil; in fact it may boil over. At the same time, however, they can make a wonderful stew, blended together, yet each maintaining its own flavor, ones own integrity. The complexity of relationships can be made even more complex by the male partner's crossdressing activities. Like other important couple circumstances, this calls for special skills involving acceptance, tolerance, comraderie and especially exquisite communication. It can, and often is, a special bonding experience -- when two separate individuals can "work through" potentially difficult issues and find joy in their acceptance of each other's feelings and uniqueness. Much of this we know depends not only on the couple's individual emotional strength, but on the way that crossdressing fits into the relationship. How was this initially explained? Are secrets and betrayal part of the fabric of the activity? Is crossdressing experienced by the couple an open and viable component of their relationship; something that is shared privately by themselves or openly in public or in selected groups? How are other family members prepared, especially children, being respectful of their age and feeling. Crossdressing must be viewed in a multidimensional context. There are numerous, often multi-dimensional reasons, why relationship dynamics work or don't work above and beyond the specific crossdressing experience. To explain this further, let's view the couple within the framework of a dynamic system,and apply concepts of Family Systems Theory to illustrate it. Basically, we must view the family energy as cumulative, actually more than the sum of its parts. This means actually viewing the system as larger than the couples's relationship itself! A snapshot of the multigeneration themes that have influence through three, four or even more generations.. When viewed in a larger framework such as this, one's impression are quite different than when viewing the situation in a narrow, ofter constrained context. Let's first look at the couple's emotional relationship pattern, the style and energy in which they operate in. Is it calm, or nonreactive with inappropriate reactivity to a situation? It's as if the couple in this highly charged situation live on the verge of chaos at all times. They walk on eggs almost waiting or actually precipitating a crisis, "No dear," the wife exclaims, "you can't wear your nightgown to bed." So the unbearable stress is ended in hopes of subsequent relief with closeness achieved with brief fantastic sex. It seems that these arguments or crises desensitize the couple's fear of intimacy so they can lighten their emotional load through the joys of sex - all temporary, of course - as the cycle undoubtedly repeats itself, often more frequently and violently with time. How sad for the couple and for the two individual lives that are injured, not to mention children, if they are present. This situation can occur, however, only within the context of individuals that are not emotionally differentiated, i.e., are not emotionally secure and feed on each other in a parasitic or emotionally fused way. The other person's behavior is immediately internalized and blamed as a personal assault, without realistic assessment of the situation. There is often a love/hate relationship which is confusing to the individual and all who know them. They typically cannot live with or without each other. In a highly reactive and conflictual relationship, as described above, negative energy is always available to be discharged on a third point, in essence, a triangle. A common or natural unit of reaction in small doses, becomes a problem when the pattern has become rigid and fixed on a certain problem. Now factor in a crossdressing situation and view this in relation to the type of family system dynamics we have discussed. If crossdressing is in a triangulated position, it now has a life of its own, as it plays out dysfunctional couple dynamics deeper than the crossdressing itself. As a matter of fact, this couple probably had a prior triangulated issue, and predictably will have others in the future, if the negative energy dynamics is not identified and resolved. It is as if the couple have limited direct, honest and authentic interactions with each other. They inevitably fight through the triangulated issue at hand. It may be presumed that the couple would be in trouble, fighting about something else even if crossdressing was not part of the equation. Either person may have a greater interest in triangulating a certain issue. For example, the wife may triangulate the crossdressing as the blame for all the problems, and the husband may target her diminished sexual desire. How could they ever solve the conflict when both fingers are pointed at each other? In a highly charged long term issue it is very difficult to change your opinion as one's self esteem becomes erroneously associated with winning the point. How could they ever get down to identifying their underlying feelings and working through strategies to enhance their coping skills? It's worth the effort, though, because this is the path to true intimacy with oneself, and then shared with one's partner. It must start within oneself's first. Each partner now has increased emotional strength and is on the road to emotional differentiation while still remaining emotionally respectful and connected. It means that each person is responsible for their perceptions of events, and appropriate and realistic responses to any situation without triggering the old emotional baggage that we carry. It also means that we are each responsible for dealing appropriately with that old baggage. We can no longer cover it up through denial or medicating it through addictive patterns of behavior. Although different, it is the only path to true self care, to operating from a base of integrity and ultimately transforming self. Crossdressing can be an easy triangulation point for the female partner. Sometimes it gets so bad that it, indeed, has a life of its own. But, this is not to blame the female partner as triangulation only occurs when there is couple conflict. When issues outside crossdressing are unresolved or other needs are left unmet or violated by underlying and unresolved conflicts, they now reside in this triangulated arena. In order to change this triangulated behavior it is necessary to identify old unresolved patterns, so as to prevent their re-emergence into this new virgin territory. Beyond even this each person in the couple has to complete this individual task, so they stay alert aware and differentiated in their new issue, before focusing on the other person. Yet beyond even this, we must take this inquiry even further back, in essence to our roots. Remember, it is within the context of our family of origin, that we formulate our personal and interpersonal issues. It is here that we learn our basic emotional defense mechanism based upon how they treated us and each other. It is quite ironic that we often find ourselves in a repetitive family pattern without conscious thought or intention. It is as if there is a multigenerational force that moves us like a marionette on a string to compulsively repeat negative patterns of behavior, despite the fact that we often "know better" and we swore we would never do that again. Again be aware of the very complex personal, interpersonal, familial and sociological influences on your self. your partner and your family. It's like coming out of the fog, being conscious in the moment, as we reject the automatic script that many of us have been in. Be open, talk, share or consult a professional, preferably one who is sensitive and respectful of gender issues. Get guidance, search and try again. The effort, although difficult becomes a challenge and is actually easier in the long run, than the toxic effects of living in misery. Understand that it is important to work through these issues, or they will invariably follow you if you decide to leave your partner. You can divorce a person, but, keep the problem. You should recognize that we often carry our part of the pattern into the next relationship, usually without our conscious awareness. The effect can be devastating initially, however, eventually, it will have the most favorable outcomes across the system. Its very healthy to know that your personal and couple effort will have far reaching consequences by interfering with the unconscious transmission of dysfunctional patterns to the next generation. This will generate a wonderful burst of self esteem and respect. especially, if you build yourself from inside-out! In viewing the crossdressing couple experience from a system theory format. We can note the pitfalls that are in the path and take corrective measures before they threaten our relationship and our individual self esteem. |