Grieving for A Friend Who Hasn't Died
By Sheri Evans
I have been blessed to have the most wonderfully
dear friend for the last 15 years. Her name is Fuschia. Over the
years, we connected in a way that made us both feel like soul-mates
and eternal friends. We were like two halves of a whole. We spoke
often about knowing we would always be there for each other forever.
I once told her of a dream I had of the two of us having coffee
together at some little old turn of the century cafe, the both
of us in our 70's, our long gray braids spilling down our backs.
We took it as a premonition. Reams of paper and cards we have
sent back and forth to each other and hundreds of hours we have
spent on the phone, as she has been living in another state for
the last couple years. Countless major and minor catastrophes
we have helped each other through. She is simply the best friend,
besides my ex, that I have ever had in my life. I have visited
her a few times since she moved and she was actually the very
first person that I admitted my planning transition to about 15
months ago. She was tentatively supportive but always there for
me. She was the one person I could always turn to about the Hell
that was my life during that time. She literally was my savior.
I recently told her, by e-mail, of having just achieved
Full-Time. A few days past, and I received this e-mail back from
her. She, literally the last person on the face of the planet
that I would have ever imagined receiving a letter like this from:
Dear Sheri, (Thu, 21 Aug 1997)
I feel it is about
time I was honest with my feelings. I think for some time now
I've been in a state of denial. I have put off mourning Xane's
passing in the expectation that I would find the same qualities
in his stand-in. I feel Sheri has taken from me someone I loved
and not replaced him with someone for whom I can have the same
regard. I have continued in a relationship with Sheri for the
sake of Xane, but I can no longer do this. So for now I must distance
myself from you. I am sorry if this causes you pain.
I've put
my own feelings aside for some time in order not to do a hurtful
thing, but I realize I can no longer do this. Right now I do not
want Sheri as a friend. Maybe sometime in the future I may feel
differently, but I genuinely feel Sheri is moving in a direction
that is not something I can relate to. The narrowed focus and
pursuit of things I can not share have shown me that for now we
have nothing in common, therefore no basis for a good relationship.
Perhaps it is a failing of mine, but I have never been interested
in traditional "Girlish" matters. I understand you have
friends with whom you share these things and am glad of it. I
know you have many things to grow through and I am sorry I can
not be there for you, but right now I need to distance myself
from your process. I realize I can not go through it with you.
I need time to grieve.
This is one of the hardest things that
I have ever had to do. I do not undertake it lightly. To reject
someone is a mean-spirited thing. I wish I had a more understanding
heart, but right now I do not. Right now as I begin to process
my grief I realize how angry I am at Sheri for taking Xane away.
You may feel Xane is still with you, but I haven't seen him in
a very long time. And I would rather give up hope of his return
and let go, and mourn his passing, than hold onto something which
is irretrievable.
Regretfully,
Fuschia
I was, of course, devastated and stunned. It was
a complete surprise. It took me days to get over MY grief and
decide how to respond. I had planned on simply leaving it at that,
as I thought that was her wish. But I heard from my ex, whom Fuschia
is still in contact with, that she was wondering why I hadn't
gotten back to her yet so I sat down that moment and e-mailed
her this reply. It was part anger, part betrayal I was feeling,
part sorrow and utter regret. But I feel that I got out what needed
to be said and used the opportunity to examine the whole state
that I and other transsexuals in transition unfortunately find
ourselves in:
Fuschia, (Thu, 28 Aug 1997)
I am sorry to be so long in responding. I had planned
on not responding at all. Far be it from me to cause further pain
to someone whom I consider to be such a dear friend so I had thought
it best to just continue in the part you have seen fit to cast
me in: A dead person, and respond accordingly with dead silence.
I even heard from Melissa that you were worried that I might call
or something after I received your e-mail so my non-reaction seemed
wise. Then today I hear from her that you seem to have been expecting
something from me all this time. Hmmm.
I am sorry to have caused you such anguish. I went
into this knowing that a lot of my loved ones would probably be
confused and hurt by this path I have had to take. The torment
that that knowledge caused me made me actually weigh this choice
against the only other one I had to ever have peace. But I am
afraid that either one would seem to have the same effect on
friends and relatives that you are experiencing now in some way
or another.
So here I am, relegated to the rank of Ghost. And
just like a ghost, I wander around my old familiar "haunts"
not even aware that I am dead. I still FEEL alive. I don't remember
dying. My body seems different... somehow, but I still AM the
same person I was. I still have the same feelings I had before
I died. The same emotions. The same connections to people. The
same desires to grow and learn and advance with them. But I can
no longer get some of them to even see me. I try to put my hand
on their shoulder and it passes right through them. They look
right at me and I am not even there. They say I am gone. I say
I am not.
Which of us is right?
It is no small wonder that I have sought out and
become so enamored of the company of other ghosts. We can see
each other just fine. We can touch each other. We are friends just
like the way we used to be with others when we were among the
Living. We are solid to each other. We KNOW we are real, that we
exist. And we are all, to a person, baffled as to why we have
to be dead when we have never felt so alive before in our lives.
In a way, your words have set me free. It has now
finally set in: I AM dead. I AM a ghost. I must pass on to another
dimension and no longer hang on to the one I have known all my
Life. And I may not be able to take any of those amongst the Living
with me, as much as I would cherish the idea. I think you are
the only person in the World who could have opened my eyes up
to this fact. You have exorcised me.
I will respect your wishes and no longer subject
you to the baffling chaos that is this "existence" I
now have. I will not interfere with your mourning process even
though as I look in the mirror, I seem to myself to still have
a reflection.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for
always being there in the past for me. I always tried with every
fiber of my being to be there for you too and still wish I could
continue to be. You were there and you alone helped me through
the most difficult part of my entire life. I truly do not see
how I could have survived it without you and I am always going
to be in your debt (A debt I apparently go to my grave still
owing. Plus interest). I am so, so sorry that your assistance
caused you such inner torment. I had no idea.
I will always love you, Fuschia, no matter which
dimension I am in. That will never change. That would be impossible.
Maybe next time around we will get it right. We were so close
this time; I thought we had it for sure. I am positive that we
will get it eventually.
I hope you find everything you are searching for.
I wish I could be there to help you look as you were for me. I
so very much wish you all the best. Take care, My dearest friend.
Maybe someday we could get together for a cup of
coffee or something?
All my Love, Sheri
It is a difficult thing to admit, my dear sisters,
but those of us who are in or going to be starting transition
must face the fact that things can't just stay the same. Things
we thought we would always be able to count on will slip through
our fingers. We will loose many things we held precious as those
around us will feel they are loosing something that is precious
to them. It IS a death, in many ways. But a death from which there
is a rebirth. We can not let the fear of this death stop us from
achieving our birthright for we are being reborn into the person
we were meant to be. Letting that fear stop us would be condemning
ourselves to an utter Purgatory.
All of us are strong. We all have an inner strength
that has allowed us to even live with being a transsexual to this
point. We are virtually super-human! Rely on that strength. Depend
on it. It will only grow as you do.
Those around us can not possibly ever really understand
what we have had to go through our whole lives. It is usually
pointless to even try to get them to. Some of them will support
us, some of them will not. We will all have to depend on ourselves
and our sisters, ultimately, to get through this journey.
Going through with transition, if it is what you
were meant to do, is a trial by fire of the highest degree. But
the rewards... the rewards, my dear sisters, are far more than
worth the effort. The sacrifices we may have to make along the
way are admittedly sometimes just too much to bear. We must all
find our own method of achievement of the goal before us. But
we must no longer deny WHO WE ARE! And we must do whatever we
have to do to become just that: Our True Selves.
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