Elaine came to see me because of rage and frustration with her husband Eddie who is a transvestite. She refused my offer to meet with them together first and then individually. At our first meeting I learned that Elaine believed crossdressing was a bad habit, although not an illness, and therefore did not see the need for counseling for her husband. She however, came for help in dealing with Eddie and helping him to get over this habit.
The above scenario is not unusual although there are several variations on the theme of trying to change one's partner. There is the mental illness scenario, the one that involves sin and redemption, and the one which confuses sexual orientation and gender identity and may cause a partner to doubt her heterosexuality as well as that of her spouse.
What all these situations have in common are:
- The woman is almost always ignorant about transvestism. She does not understand that it is not a condition of illness, sin or homosexuality and she needs help to know that she plays no role in her husband's gender expression. Prescribing books that render a comprehensible explanation of this behavior is very useful along with building a trusting therapeutic relationship.
- The couple's sexual relationship is frequently compromised. Transvestites often want to crossdress prior to or during sex with their wives. To the woman who doesn't understand and is frightened, disgusted or upset by this inclination, sex may become an ordeal or an event subject to conditional agreement. Eventually a situation may evolve in which each partner takes turns enjoying sex. For example, "Tonight we are doing it my way, or we are not doing it at all!" The remedy to this requires the participation of both partners in treatment and I encourage them to meet with me together.
- In all cases the woman is powerless to change her partner's need for periodic crossdressing. No technique, no seduction, no punishment will discourage the expression of his feminine persona for long. However, with his agreement, such expression can be managed or shaped to better conform to her expectations of a husband. Again, counseling is most effective when both partners participate.
- Wives of CDs seeking counseling either have a terror of discovery of their husbands' transvestism or a need to expose them to the people who are most meaningful in his life. Either of these needs, if unexamined and not understood, may contribute to the death of their relationship--if not the end of the marriage. Individual counseling can be very effective in giving the spouse a window into her unconscious motivation to cause either herself or husband such pain.
In counseling the partners of a CD, I address the above issues and any individual concerns that are raised. Dealing with children sensitively and with primary emphasis on what is in the children's best interest often is a focus of treatment. Arranging for sufficient privacy to process what is occurring between them, becoming reassured of husband's discretion, and establishing fair rules surrounding costs involved in husband's purchase of clothing and membership in gender organizations, are some of the variety of concerns specific to certain but not all couples.
Dr. Anderson is a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She can be reached at 415-776-0139.