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Loving Your Transgendered Partner & Yourself!

By Linda Kaye

This past week, I have received email letters from three different wives of transgendered men. Each of these wives expressed fears about really getting to know their husband’s femme side, and all three expressed doubt about their own sexuality and desirability. I answered all three women with essentially the same message:

Dear Wife/Partner:

This letter is for you alone. The primary thing to remember is that your husband’s transgendered nature has absolutely nothing, and I mean, nothing, to do with your attractiveness, desirability or your sexuality. You need to convince yourself of this, and believe in your own sexuality. You are a desirable woman, with the need for fulfillment.

If you really look deep within yourself, you will see this. Your sexual fulfillment is your own responsibility, so don't deny yourself the opportunity to reach for the ultimate satisfaction.

I had a wife write me just yesterday about this very issue. What she and I determined was that her husband's femme side turned him on, and she began to feel insecure, unsure of her own worth. She found that his being turned on while crossdressed was a threat to her own sexuality. I suggested the following to her: First, get to know the real femme person, with no sexual attempts. Instead, start talking to the femme side, become friends with her first. Find out what makes her tick - ask the femme side what she feels when dressed, help with the make-up, and learn to laugh - not at her en femme husband but with her. Try things like sitting down to a nice dinner for two; watch television together or any other “normal” activity, yet do it together as two women.

There is so much laughter to be had in all of this. Vanessa and I laugh all the time. I encourage Vanessa to be herself always and once we got over the initial shyness, she became who she really was. She is vampy, bitchy, silly, full of laughter, always arousing to me, and so full of life, you can't help but love her. Which is another thing - you need to fall in love with your husband's femme side. There really is a difference between "her" and "him." Thus my suggestion to this other wife that she begin a relationship (non-sexual) with the femme side of her husband, giving herself the opportunity to fall in love with her.

You might want to try this.

When I first met Vanessa privately, I had no idea how I would react to her. She was so much fun - she came out of the bedroom in a long, black satin and velvet robe, full makeup and hair, and it was such a major change from the male side! We danced in the kitchen, drank wine, and talked for hours. And we laughed and laughed together. It was an enchanting evening, which we both remember, even two years later. Eventually, we became intimate, and it was fabulous. Living and loving with Vanessa is a delight.

We constantly live out our fantasies - she is as interested in mine as much, if not more, as she is her own. With Vanessa, I can be whoever or whatever I want. I make love to her as a woman, but I am not lesbian. The male parts are still there, but fantasy allows us to be whoever we want to be. But my pleasure comes more from the fantasy of the whole situation. You really have to put aside all of the fears, all of society's doctrines (remember the British - you make love for Queen and country??) Baloney, you make love for YOU. And you seek your own fulfillment as well as that of your partner. It is a joint effort, not one-sided. We both suggest that your partner have patience with you as you explore all of this. And always, always communicate - don't stop talking, don't be shy - this is your lifepartner, the one you trust the most.

Hope this helps a bit. There is such excitement, fun and fulfillment in store for you two if you can get over the initial barriers. As you explore and help to fulfill one another’s fantasies and dreams, you will reach a level of intimacy which few will ever know.

Good luck - and enjoy!!


Linda Kaye is married to Vanessa Kaye, who also writes for Transgender Forum. They operate the Couples Network and have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.




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