I Like It! : The Reaction

By Linda Kaye



I've written several articles about the sexual relationship between partners in a transgendered relationship. One of my articles was entitled, "I Like It!" In it, I shared some of my own private experiences with my partner Vanessa.

Since that article was written, I've had several more letters via the Internet from partners of transgendered men about this topic, but one in particular touched me enough to answer her as I have below:

"Your questions about sex with your TG partner are valid, as are your feelings. This is possibly the most difficult aspect a wife/partner can face. She is used to making love to a male and in most cases, finds that male attractive and arousing. Suddenly, she's faced with a female in her bed (although the male equipment is there) and this femme person is wanting to make love as a woman. You, the partner, suddenly have to reverse direction and put behind you the past experiences you have had with him. If you are heterosexual, you may not feel any arousal whatsoever for the femme person and you are faced with either being honest and hurting his/her feelings, or lying, pretending arousal and satisfaction, and thus, being untrue to yourself as a woman. What to do?"

Personally, I think it is a mind frame thing. If you look at your partner, dressed en femme, as a totally different person, you may have problems. It is important to remember that under the femme outfit lives the same person you have loved, desired and made so many memories with. What he or she wears should have little impact if you desire the person. The equipment is still there, and you can and should use it.

With Vanessa, I am always aroused and desiring. Perhaps it is because just as Vanessa is living out fantasies, so am I free to do the same. Fantasies are great - you can be as inventive as you wish, you can bare your soul and do things you'd never otherwise admit to, because you are with the one person you trust, and who is doing the same.

Fantasy is simple imagination, and to act out such fantasies between two consenting adults can allow your intimate mental contact to grow as you use the intimate physical contact of making love. When Vanessa and I are together, we both let go of all outside influences and allow ourselves to enjoy not only our bodies, but our minds. Though I use the term "fantasy," I don't want you to get the wrong impression. When Vanessa is en femme, she actually becomes Vanessa. It is quite remarkable, and I enjoy her. I accept and welcome her into our home, my heart and our bedroom. Out of this acceptance, Vanessa has been able to open up more than ever before and we have grown closer than I ever believed possible.

Sharing and living out fantasies has brought a depth of intimacy and connection I never knew was possible between two people. To achieve this, you must first put aside all your past prejudices and what you have been taught by society. When you and your partner are alone, put aside the outer world and simply concentrate on pleasing each other. Don't let doubts or worries about what others might think interfere. Simply let yourself mentally, emotionally and physically go. Concentrate on pleasing "her" and hope that "she" do the same for you. Ask her to help you live out your fantasies - be trusting enough to share them with "her" and ask "her" what her fantasies are. This is your privacy - use it, share it and for heavens sake, don't feel guilty about it!

When I wrote back to this wife/partner, I couldn't help but think of how many women are either unable to reach this point or simply won't. Other than security issues, the sexual relationship seems to be the most painful and alarming aspect of being the partner of a transgendered man. It doesn't have to be this way, providing that a woman will give herself a chance, and if, and this is a BIG IF, her partner is a generous, loving and patient person. I believe there is hope that they can find as much fulfillment when making love with the transgendered partner en femme as when he is not so dressed. It is important to understand that in a committed relationship, you make love to the inner person. Yes, we dress up the outer person in alluring lingerie at times, and yes, we appreciate the beauty of each other's bodies, but it is the inner person we love and whom we desire. If a woman can think this way, she may be able to overcome the barriers which have prevented her from enjoying a sexual relationship with her en femme partner.

So far, I've written about putting aside attitudes and mind sets that tend to get in the way of lovemaking with your gender-gifted partner's femme self. Now, let me give you a few reasons why it may be important to you, your partner and your relationship. Let's say that you decide that you simply cannot tolerate the idea of being intimate with your partner while he is en femme. Even if you take this standpoint, I can assure you that your partner will be imagining and fantasizing about being en femme while making love. It isn't his/her fault, it is only a natural extension of the desire to experience the femme self. The only person that is being fooled by this, is you.

If, on the other hand, you take the chance and simply "go with it," you will be saying, the loudest and clearest terms to your partner, "I love you, all of you." This is what relationships are all about. If you can reach this point of closeness, you will have an astounding sex life. The sense of intimacy you can and will feel with your partner will be beyond anything you have ever dreamt of. Moreover, this intimacy will transcend into all aspects of your relationship as a couple and the benefits will be beyond measure.


Linda Kaye is married to Vanessa Kaye, who also writes for Transgender Forum. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have completed their first book together, entitled:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.





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