First of all, that we are crossdressers or transgendered persons, requires no justification. We should feel no obligation to try to explain or rationalize to others, including family and friends, why we are the way that we are. To me, and to many others I know, being transgendered is not considered a “curse” or “defect.” To us, it is considered a gift.
Despite the positive feelings I have about being a crossdresser, it is not something that I try to convince others to do. There is no “Crossdressing Coalition” that goes about attempting to persuade the general population that ours is the only way to live. Crossdressers tend to keep their activities private and realize full well that there are many lifestyles, no one in particular is better than another.
I, and other crossdressers, have come to terms with who and what we are. We do not seek the approval or permission of the general public to be ourselves. Over time we have reached a point of being able to say, “It’s not important what people think of my being a crossdresser.” We have lived through all of the feelings of self-doubt and guilt. It has taken years for us to come to terms with who we are. We ask not for approval, we ask only that we be allowed to be ourselves. We, in turn, must be willing to extend the same courtesy and respect to others.
If all of the preceding is true, then what is the meaning of “It is, however, important what people think of me as a crossdresser.”?
No matter who we are, or what it is that we do, all of us are in some way or another identified with one or more particular groups. Perhaps we may be identified with an ethnic, religious, professional or interest group. Whatever the label, we are all inevitably grouped with something or someone. Our observed behavior is applied to the entire group. In this particular case, we are viewed as “one of those crossdressers!” No matter how well a few of us may pass, the majority can eventually be identified (read) as crossdressers. Now we come to the heart of the matter.
Whenever I try a new restaurant, store or other business, I am very mindful of the image I present as a member of the crossdressing community. It is important to me that I leave the clerks, waiters, waitresses or whomever, with a good impression of crossdressers. I want to be able to recommend to my sisters that they also may trade at these places. Generally, this works well, and I can rest assured that others will be treated as kindly as I was. Additionally, with any luck, one or two people will have a better view of crossdressers than they did before.
As a crossdresser, or transgendered person, we are held up to a higher standard than a genetic female would be. Not only is our appearance more carefully scrutinized, but so too are our manners and behavior. We have all either passed through the stage, or know someone who has, of not being terribly proficient at make-up. Smeared, or poorly applied lipstick looks even worse on a crossdresser than on a genetic female. There are also those who have a tendency to dress more like hookers than ladies. There is a time and a place where such clothing is appropriate, but not strolling the malls or in a fine restaurant.
Behavior is perhaps the real key factor. People can forgive appearances, but they cannot abide rude, insensitive or obnoxious customers. This is true whether they be “men in a dress” or men in a suit and tie. If you wish to be treated like a lady, then you must act like a lady. Leave your impatience and demanding behavior on the table with your wallet, don’t carry it in your purse.
All of us, like it or not, are ambassadors. When we are out in public, many people are seeing a crossdresser for the first time. Please think about what impression you are leaving them with. Please think about those of us who will visit those same places after you. The transgendered community has come a long way in the last few years, and none of us want to go back in the closet because of another crossdresser’s poor behavior in public.
Madam Ambassador, I give you the world. It is your’s to explore. Please leave it a better place than you found it.
Hugs, Vanessa Kaye
They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person.
They have their own web site you may enjoy.