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Barbie Dolls That Mattel
Probably Won't Make

Contributed By Lorri


Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one who actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a reorg and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working, and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions that need to be collated.

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Stripper Barbie: Comes with nothing on but a smile.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing, and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashiers' aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs to make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie wearing braids in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending white people.

Baywatch Barbie: The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.