Hello kittens, it is I... The Diva.
Spring is in the air and my skirt is over my head. Oops! I didn't mean to say that. I guess that's what Norm MacDonald said after his broadcast on Saturday Night Live the evening of April twelfth. No, I'm not talking about his latest comments that could only offend any right thinking transgendered person. He let out a couple of four letter words in the sentences preceding his TS bashing.
Now, I've done a little acting and I can only imagine the pressure of having to present the fake news on a broadcast that reaches millions of homes, but you'd think that a week of rehearsals and having the script in front of you would help poor old Norm get through the bit without fouling up and uttering foul language. Twice (that I remember) the lad inserted a four letter word. He seemed downright flustered. I can only guess that he may have remembered all the crap that hit the fan when he last slammed the transgendered in his remarks about the murder of Brandon Teena (The Transexual Menace came down on SNL like a ton of breast forms) and he was therefore a bit preoccupied. But, Norm, (c'mon, who's named Norm? Okay, don't send me email in defense of Norms everywhere. I'm still getting poison pen letters from girls with three names. It was a joke!) Normie baby, why'd ya say it? Referring to a case receiving national attention in which a transsexual father is seeking custody of her children Norm said, "Who's gonna win? The woman who gave birth to the children or the woman who used to be a man who had his penis twisted into a fake vagina?" Evidently the Menace sensitivity training didn't take.
One encouraging thing was the audience reaction. They laughed, but
it was a half hearted kind of, I know that's not funny but the
applause sign is on, type of laugh. I, for one, don't find Norm's
"humor" that amusing. It's only now and then that anything he does on
the news segment makes me even smile.
He's no Chevy Chase, if you get
my drift. Perhaps it's time for Norm to follow in the footsteps of
the other SNL stars, and move on. With luck he'll soon be the next
Garret Morris. Who?
If you want to hit NBC now that they think the whole thing has blown over you can direct creative crank calls (please make them serious, not just diatribes) to Mr. Andrew Brewer, NBC Standards & Practices, (212) 664-4458, or Mr. Dan Ferguson, SNL Public Relations (212) 664-3733. While you've got the Standards & Practices guy on the phone tell him you didn't think much of the bit on Jay Leno's show May fourteenth. They had a segment called "Kid Books Gone Wrong" and the title of one of the books was, See Dick Become Jane. Yes, NBC seems to be the home of sensitive treatment for the transgendered.
I believe I mentioned the problem I've been having with my skirts. No, it's not cause I'm sexually promiscuous, I just take them off for activity of that sort. The problem is Spring. It's windy out there. I stopped at an ATM machine to make a withdrawal and while I was standing there pushing the buttons the mother of all winds came by and tried to reveal my true gender to the rest of the world. Now that's being "outted." That demure little pleated mini went up like a window shade. I can only thank the Goddess of Fashion that I chose to wear a body suit that day so my southern exposure wasn't too exposed.
This girls, is the problem with flouncy type skirts. The least bit of wind and people are reminded what day of the week it is. (I always wear my day of the week panties, don't you?) It's really no fun to have to walk down the street trying to hold your skirt down and knowing that at some point around your body you aren't succeeding. This is why many women hate skirts and love to wear pants. It takes a really evil wind to blow your pants off.
It's not just a feminine problem though. Jessica Brandon sent me a newspaper photo of the British Army's Black Watch. Ooh, they're butch, but their ceremonial uniform is a Khaki shirt, white belt, black kilt and white spats over black shoes. The kilts are, of course, pleated. In the press photo one of the Watch men has his back to the camera and the hem of his kilt above his waist. We get a clear view of his rosy cheeks. The wind hoisted his skirt while the lads were lowering the British flag in Hong Kong. Since the British are leaving Hong Kong this year I guess Mother Nature felt it was appropriate that they show the city their backside.
So, if you are going out in the breezes and you must wear a short, flouncy skirt (of course we must) please remember to act feminine when it starts to blow up around your waist. Demurely push it down and maintain your feminine dignity. Shaking your butt at construction workers is a definite no no. Unless you're really into construction workers. Personally I find that they're more turned on by really short hot pants. But, I have to move on now. This isn't that kind of column.
If you haven't heard that Eddie Murphy was pulled over with a TG hooker in his car then you must have been out of town or something. The bust was made by undercover officers at 4:45 in the morning on May second. They saw Murphy stop his Toyota Land Cruiser on Santa Monica Boulevard--in an area the police call a "prostitution abatement zone"--and pick up Atisone Seiuli, 21. They followed along in an unmarked car and then turned on all those flashing lights. The transgendered girl was busted on an outstanding warrant for prostitution. Eddie got to drive home and explain it all to his wife. Now which might be worse, off to the lock up or home to the wife?
Eddie told the media that he is a Good Samaritan. After a sleepless night he decided to drive to an all night magazine store for a few issues of LadyLike... I mean, Variety, when on the way back to his lovely wife, Nichol Mitchell, he saw what his lawyer says he "thought" was a disoriented woman sitting on the curb. He pulled over in a very gallant manner and asked the fair damsel if he could be of assistance. She said, "Hey, you the Nutty Professor!" and asked him if he could give her a lift home. He complied, and added a $1000 so she'd have cab fare (in case she wanted to go back out to pick up some magazines or something) and the rest is a police report.
I've seen Eddie's face pasted next to pictures of TVs on the cover of three different tabloids and none of the TVs look like the same girl. (They're all pretty hot.) Oh yeah, there's a resemblance but I get the feeling they just dragged out (oops! a funny) any old queen and pasted her in. What headlines! Now that's journalism.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, what were you thinking. If you want to help the TV hookers make an anonymous donation to a registered charity that helps them. Or, have your faithful minions pick them up in small, unmarked cars and deliver them to you at a hidden fun pit. I mean, at a place where you can Samaritan all you like in privacy. Didn't Hugh Grant teach you anything?
Eddie's suing two tabloids, the Globe and the National Inquirer, and a relative of his hooker, I mean charity project. He claims that the tabloids published false stories about his encounter with Atisone. He's seeking $5 million dollars in damages for "severe emotional and physical distress, requiring medical attention." Now that kind of money will cover all the deductible on his medical plan and let him set up a full service spa for street queens
His legal eagles are also after a purported relative of Ms.Seiuli, one Ioane Seiuli, who made remarks concerning Atisone and Eddie in The New York Post. That suit is only for a mil. I'm sure Ioane has that much cash hidden in the sofa.
Of course, now that the sexy lingerie has hit the fan people are coming out of the woodwork to claim they either had sex with Eddie or knew that he had sex with TG prostitutes. Geraldo, ever the probing journalist, has a show in the can with several transgendered prostitutes who claim they have known Murphy in a biblical sense. (There probably was a little genuflecting involved.) We knew he had a foot fetish but who knew he was an "admirer?" I think it's sad that a wealthy movie star can't have sex with whoever he wants too. The only thing Eddie should be ashamed about is cheating on his wife. If he was single, so what? Eddie likes drag hookers, and Ellen's a lesbian. What a world.
How about Charles Barkley in a dress? Bet ya didn't expect that. Has Charles been inspired by Dennis Rodman? Has he developed a heightened fashion sense? Na. He lost a bet with Rodman. It seems that before the season started Barkley and Rodman made a bet on who would win the league rebounding title. That honor went to Mr. Rodman and now we can look forward to Charles Barkley in a shift, or perhaps something with a empire waist. I do hope that whatever he wears to satisfy the bet (maybe he could get a fashion consult from Atisone) that he displays a better sense of style than Dennis.
If Dennis had lost the bet our biggest problem would have been figuring out when he was paying up. Dennis, is this the dress that honors the bet or was it that thing you wore yesterday? Not really much of a strain for Miss Dennis.
It seems everybody on television is either coming out as a lesbian or jumping into a dress. Or at least making some TG reference. In a recent episode of The Nanny, C.C. was having trouble with a guy hitting on her. He tried to put on a sensitive guy act and then asked her if she "liked the sensitive guy?" She replied, "Yes. I used to be one." Of course she wasn't (at least not on The Nanny) but that seemed to, as they say in the vernacular, cool the Romeo's tool.
One May episode of the Drew Carey Show had the gang trying to recapture the wild days of their youth. It seems that back in the day they all used to go to the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They get decked out (Drew just does the white underwear. His buddy does Frank in corset and stockings) and head on out to the theater. When they arrive, to their horror they discover that Rocky Horror has been replaced by The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of The Desert. Drew's fellow employees, and his boss, are all decked out like the Priscilla queens. They maintain that their drag is the new drag and Drew and his bunch are the old drag. (Remember, this show is set in Cleveland.) What to do? A dance off! With clever cutting and smooth dance moves the competing styles of drag strut their stuff in the street in a big dance number. The winner is never really decided since the cops show up and drag (I couldn't help it) everyone of to the pokey. Keep up the good work Carey. Next time though, you wear the corset. (Actually, the poor boy could use one.)
The youngest queen of the Priscilla crew, Guy Pearce, is starring in the film adaption of James Ellroy's novel of crime and corruption, L.A. Confidential. Don't get all excited girls. He's not doing drag in this one. He plays a young cop named Exley, a new boy at the police station who has fierce moral, ethical and intellectual dimensions that don't quite fit with the regular cop attitudes of 1950s Los Angeles. The dresses will be worn by Kim Basinger in this flick. She plays a call girl who works for a pimp whose speciality is providing johns with celebrity look-a-likes. So, in a way there is some impersonation going on. Look for it on the big screen soon.
Another actor who we loved in drag is appearing in another big screen effort without his mascara and hose. Hank Azaria, the nervous maid of The Birdcage, will be manly and fearless in his next opus, Godzilla. It's shooting now in New York City so look for it in theaters at the end of the year. It's a big budget flick, but just imagine how much Godzilla's airfare could be? Maybe they got Gamera to fly him in. New York's all in a tizzy over the shoot cause they've closed off several blocks in the restaurant district and it's bad for business. All the crushed cars and buildings are bad for business to, but since Godzilla's a major star he gets his way. Just remember Zilla, baby... no transgendered prostitutes.
Which brings me to reports that the den of iniquity we fondly called Edelweis has been shut down by the vice squad. It seems the working girls at New York's only full time drag club got so thick you couldn't find a girl who wasn't working. I knew it was going down hill years ago when the guys stopped buying a girl a drink and started asking how much you charged. Now I know a girl's gotta make a living but they've screwed it up for the rest of us... who were willing to give it away under the right circumstance. Some new place has opened that advertises bring your own liquor (which at NYC drink prices was always a good idea, anyway) and no hookers allowed. It just won't be the same. If only the hookers had followed Eddie to the Coast.
And with that I must follow my heart and move along. Keep your makeup fresh, don't get your panties in a twist if you have anything you'd like to say don't hesitate to type a little note and hit the Send button to The Diva. See you next month my little lacy lovelies.