By Joani/John
edited by Cynthia Smith



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It's easy! Submit your copy by e-mailing it to Cindy Martin here at TGF. Copy is edited by Cynthia Smith who will work with you on polishing up your article.
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Hi, I am John; I am Joani. I am 53 years old, a former dancer (33 years off & on) with a dancer's body , suppleness and strength though I am somewhat small. I am also a husband, a father, step-father, step-grand father, psychotherapist, avid sailor and decent cook, bread baker, and boat builder. I am also an extremely happy transvestite.

I begin this account at my computer, at home, en femme. How I got here may be of some help and some interest to my sisters out there who are still struggling and/or who are still deep in the closet. It is for this reason that I am documenting my experiences.

My early years were, as for many of us, fairly painful at times, distant Mother who had seven children and the emotional resources for two, on good days. Our home was a place of ridicule, put-downs and belittlement from both parents and from each other. I don't blame them any more. I did, once, but the poor dears truly were doing the best that they could, even if it usually wasn't very good. I believe that Joani was born out of my need to be loved by a female and my need to nurture myself and my siblings.

Of course, I knew nothing of this at the time. All I knew was that sometimes, I really needed to dress in some of my mothers underthings and clothes and just lie on the bed hugging myself and fighting the emptiness and pain.

Yes, I know, so many of us have been there

As I moved into adolescence, life became very strange indeed. I was either a poor student or a brilliant scholar, depending on the subject and whether or not the teacher seemed to like me. I was nurturing to my friends, mostly female. I fought and stole. I was a hooligan. I studied dance & theater, and wrote poetry.
I made little sense to myself and none to anyone else.

I became a beatnik, later hippie, lived through the sixties in Greenwich Village. Danced, cooked, did drugs, & dresses occasionally. I binged and purged on clothes as so many of us do. I suspect that I really was there as there is a lot I don't remember.

However, during this time, I also, with great effort, managed to mostly integrate the psychological woman inside. So that, by the time I left the Village in late 1969, I was and am a kind, nurturing, sensitive, sensuous , playful man.

I went through six and one half years of therapy, off and on, as I seem to have done most everything. I married, three times. Divorced three times. And went to college and grad school & seminary.

I also had a son to whom I was primary care parent half of the week, at my insistence. After the divorce, his Mom, (a good lady) and I shared custody 50/50. My son and I have a bond like few I have ever encountered. He is twenty, a tall, handsome, good and kind young man with strong values , compassion, and a strong sense of justice.

From my son's birth on most of my desire to dress in women's clothing was suppressed. It became a once or twice a year desire which I simply did not deal with. However, my son is now 20 and has been preparing to leave home.

As I became aware of my approaching freedom from the constraints of the role of Dad, I began to feel increasingly out of sorts, off center. After about three months of becoming more and more tense & cranky (an extremely unusual experience for me) and spending hours in reflection." Getting in touch " if you will. I increasingly felt a conflict in the male/female conjunction in my soul. I was aware, more & more, of a need to manifest the internal woman, externally and to integrate my womanliness into my life in an entirely new way. I had no model. Pathology ,it is not. Homosexuality, it is not. Transexuality, it is not. I was lost and just a bit frightened.

Then, this Spring, we got a computer and I discovered the `Net and Chat and SISTERS; others who felt as I did and who sometimes dressed the part. I knew then what I needed and began to shop, and shop and shop. On the net , I discovered a store, Studio Lites, here in Denver which did makeovers. Finally, I would realize the woman that I also am. And, I would see if I could ever go about in daylight, en femme without appearing ridiculous or pathetic. I was excited and frightened and I couldn't continue alone.

I came out to a longtime GG friend. In her apartment, I was so scared, I couldn't even get the words out so I excused myself to her study and dressed from the waist down. Skirt, hose, and heels. I walked into her kitchen holding my breath. She smiled, hugged me and said, "This explains a lot.". We had coffee & girl-talk for two hours. It was one of the happiest times I have ever experienced. On the night of my makeover, Jan was with me. She escorted me for my first night out. It was wonderful.

Now, I know who I am and who I must be.

Again, I was very frightened. As I noted, I am married, to a wonderful woman whom I love with all my heart. I had a secret and secrets destroy relationships. I knew that I had to tell Judy and I was so afraid of losing her that I kept putting it off.

Last month, I sent a picture of me as Joani to a friend In Wyoming. There was a glitch and the e-mail bounced back a day and a half later. Judy called me at work obviously angry and upset and declared that we had to talk. I don't think that I heard a word my clients said that evening. I shook from 3:30 until 9:30 when Judy came to my office to talk.

In preparation for this talk which I knew had to happen soon (but not now!!!) I had asked Judy to think about the aspects of me and behaviors that she particularly loved. She had done this and brought her lists to the office. When I asked if she saw any patterns, she immediately keyed on the feminine. It became apparent as we talked that she thought that I was having an affair. I swallowed, took a breath and announced, "Darling, the woman who has come between us is me." "Is that all?" she said and I nearly wept with relief. I showed her my photos. She declared me lovely. I did cry, with relief and joy.

It turns out that I am not the first TV that my wife has been involved with. I am the second. She is aware of the issues and rather loves the very idea. In fact, I think she is surprised that I haven't been dressing all along. Judy has always known that I am in part a woman and she loves me all the more fore it.

The next night, she gave me a whole bunch of beautiful clothes, including an exquisite silk dress and a daring black cocktail dress. We played dress up and giggled like schoolgirls for hours then went to bed and made wonderful warm love. Our marriage is stronger, and we begin a new phase of our live as spouses, friends, lovers, and yes, sometimes, sisters. I do not know where this is going but I do know that we will go there together - without the secret.


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