By Kelly Davidson
This is a true and humorous story that happen to me about 15 years ago. It proves the adage, "A man can never really understand how a women thinks". Now before you start flaming me, hear me out. I had just picked up my buddy and we were driving over to my girlfriend's house to get ready for a Halloween party (hostedby our local church).
For the prior two weeks, my girlfriend had been trying to get me to decide on a costume to wear to the party. I, on the other hand, just kept blowing it off. Finally, in a fit of anger over my disinterest, she said that she was going to pick out a costume for me to wear to the party and if I didn't like it, then that was just too bad. I didn't pay much attention to her threat, I was just glad I wasn't involve in getting a costume ready.
Well, when we got to her house I was a little curious as to what she was going as and also, what she had picked out for me. My friend was going as an Indian (he was 1/8 Cherokee) which consisted of throwing a old blanket around his shoulders and putting on some war-paint. My girlfriend announces that she is going as a witch which consists of a black dress, a pointed black hat, a broom, and a mask. Naturally, I figured my costume would be something that matched hers. Wrong!!!
When I asked her what was I going as, she smiled, (one of those, "I'm going to make you pay for making me pick out your costume" looks) and led me downstairs to her bedroom. "There is your costume", she replied, "Its on the bed". When I saw it, I began to realize the nightmare she had prepared for me. Lying on the bed was a blue and white flower skirt, a matching shoulder shawl, a lacy white blouse, some assorted undergarments (need I say more), a dark, brown wig and a pair of white high heel shoes.
First I argued with her, saying that there was no way I was dressing up like a women. She put an end to that by saying, "It was your decision to let me pick what you were going to wear, and this is what I have decided on". I then told her I would go out and buy a costume but she told me "No," that we had to be at the party in one hour and that this is what I was going to wear. In the end, she won out and I changed (So sue me, I loved the girl and was in the,"I'm wrapped around your finger" stage. The things men do for love!). She helped me with my makeup and after hearing the comments of, "How good you look" from her parents, we left for the party.
I don't remember much about the party. The only thing I do recall is that as the party went on, my girlfriend got madder at me. The reason, I had several guys come up and ask me to dance while no one asked her. Another reason was that while people commented on how good I looked (after we told them who I was), nobody said anything to her on how she looked. She had wanted me to be in the spotlight, but in a different way.
After the party, we decide to get something to eat (I was thinking we would all still be in costume). We stopped at Denny's restaurant where a friend of ours worked and asked to be seated in her section. However, before going in both my friend and girlfriend had taken off their costumes. So he was going in wearing jeans and a shirt and she was going in wearing a black dress. I didn't have that option and was given a choice, go in and eat or walk home (in high heels. Ouch!).
We went in, waited to be seated and then ordered. My friend (who seated us) recognized my friend and girlfriend but not me (she told us later that she thought my friend had found a nice girl to date). When we finally told her who I was, she proceeded to tell the other workers that there was a man sitting at her table dressed as a women. After a while, it became obvious (by the way they were looking) that her co-workers thought my girlfriend was the guy. (No, she was not a dog, just a plain-jane). This proved to be true when she was stopped while trying to enter the lady's bathroom. A waitress told her that it was against the law for a man to enter the lady's restroom no matter how he was dressed. She was going to have to use the MENS room. The manager showed up to agree.
Now this was the wrong thing to say to a real women, especially my girlfriend who was always trying to look as feminine as possible (and had a temper for those who disagreed with her). All of the sudden, I heard the distinct sound of my girlfriend yelling, "What do you mean I have to use the men's room? DON'T YOU KNOW A REAL WOMEN YOU SEE ONE". As I rush up to see what the problem was, people in the restaurant began to take notice.
When I got up there, the first thing the manager ask me was, "Miss, are you with him"? My girlfriend, who was just about ready to slug the guy, turned as red as a beet. "NO," she screams, "He is with me. I am the real women here. Can't you tell"? The manager didn't look too convinced. He was beginning to think that this was some sort of Halloween prank being played on him. Meanwhile, everyone waiting in line for a table was getting quite a show, especially a group of teenaged girls.
In a manly voice, (as manly as I could make it in a dress) I try explaining to the manager that we had just come from a Halloween party. He looked at me and then at my girlfriend, who at this time was having a conniption. Finally he asks, "Okay Miss, (he still hadn't figured it out), why are you the only one with a costume on (something which I was wondering myself)"?
I was trying to come up with an answer, when my girlfriend decided that she had had enough of my help. She yells at the manager, "I will prove to you that she is my boyfriend". She then looked at me and commanded, "Take off your wig so this jerk can see what you really are".
This is the last thing I wanted to do because everyone in the restaurant was now looking at us. If I had my choice between dressing up like a women the rest of my life or pulling my wig off, there would be no contest. However, I didn't have that choice, not with my girlfriend. So I lifted it off part way to convince him. This really got the group of teenaged girls laughing.
Wanting to get in the last shot, my girlfriend yells, "Would you now like him to drop his skirt too? Or would this confuse you MORE"? With that, she pushed him aside and rushed into the bathroom. The manager and waitress both continue to stand there looking at me, trying to decide what to do next. It was at this time my waitress friend came over to see what the problem was. Talk about the cavalry coming over the hill after the battle.
I asked the manager if there was anything else and he muttered,"No." As I was walking away, I could hear the manager say something about my girlfriend and "this explains why he wears the skirts in their relationship." I wanted to go back and hit him but good sense won out.
On my way back to the table, one of the teenaged girls (from the group) stopped me to ask some stupid question. All of the sudden, I began to feel a draft coming from below. One of the other girls in this group was lifting up my skirt for the rest to see. Fortunately, my girlfriend had made me wear one of her lacy blue half-slips or it could have been worse. However, this still set off a round of whistles and comments from them like, "nice legs baby" and "love your underwear honey" (those were the nice comments). I was finally able to pull my skirt back down and get back to the table with some dignity left.
At this point, I was too embarrassed to get mad. All I wanted to do was just leave. Which, surprise, surprise, was the last thing my girlfriend wanted to do. Somehow, by staying there longer, we were going to teach this manager a lesson (I have no idea what that lesson was). After about a half-hour, she decided it was time to go. I just about screamed when I went up to pay the check and the waitress (who had stopped my girlfriend from going into the restroom) asked me, "Was everything alright".
Now here is where the real fun begins. My girlfriend is real mad by this time and needs to take it out on someone. And who might that be? Why, me, of course. So after we drop off my friend, she starts yelling at me because I look better in a dress then she does. And of course, I wore it just to make her look bad. When I try to interject facts into this argument, (like she made me wear it. I didn't want to do it. Etc.) this only makes her madder. Now I'm blaming her for everything that happen (To this day, I still don't understand what she thought I was blaming her for).
By the time we got to her house, she has reach level 12 on the 10 point anger scale. She walks up to the door, goes inside, and then tells me that since I like dressing up like a girl so much, I can drive home like one too. The last words she utter to me before slamming the door are unprintable, but believe me, they weren't nice.
Of course, I'm upset by this time, as I leave in my car. I'm also a teenager who thinks he will live forever so I'm not paying attention to my driving, which does catch the attention of a local police officer. The next thing I know, a blue and red light is flashing in my mirror. Now I began to panic.
I pulled into a parking lot and watch the policewomen (an attractive, southern blonde) get out of her car and start walking toward mine. When she got to my window she asked, "Miss, do you know you were doing 39 in a 25 MPH zone"? "I'm sorry officer", I replied in a low voice. I was so scared I don't think that I could have raise my voice if my life depended on it. Visions of being locked away in a jail cell danced in my head. I started shaking and hyperventilating.
The policewomen must have picked up on that I was scared. Her tone became a lot more sympathetic and smoothing as she tried to calm me down. "What is you name Miss?", she asked me sweetly. This is where I made one of the 5 stupidest mistakes of my life. "Cindy" I lied (all I could think about was the little girl from the Brady Bunch on TV).
Maybe it was the change in her attitude and the fact that I was just scared. But for some reason, and I know it sounds stupid, I thought that if she believed I was just a scared teenaged girl, she would just let me go (without checking to see who I was of course). Looking back on it, I don't know how I could have believed this since it goes against the police standard procedure. But logic wasn't playing into my thinking at this time.
"Okay Cindy, the first thing I want you to do is calm down some and take some deep breaths. This isn't the end of the world," she replied. After taking a few deep breaths, she smiled and ask if I felt better. "A little," I replied. "Good," she said. "Just sit there and relax." Then she said the words that I had been dreading. "Now Cindy, I need to see your driver's licence". "My, my licence," I stuttered. "Oh, shit!," I thought. Now I'm in really trouble.
"Yes, your driver's licence. You do have one don't you," she asked with a little concern in her voice. I thought about telling her I had left it at home, but I knew that I had already screwed up and lying at this time was only going to make it worse. "I have one," I squealed, "somewhere." My mind went blank, I didn't know what to do. The policewomen stood there smiling at me for a moment and then said, "Perhaps you should check your purse to see if it's in there dear". I looked over and saw that she had her flashlight shinning on it.
"Yes, sure'" I somehow muttered. I reached into the purse and took out my wallet. Next I pulled out my driver's licence and handed it to her. She stared at it for a moment and then said, "Cindy, I need your driver's licence. You gave me someone elses." "Would you believe that is my driver's licence," I sputtered out.
The policewomen pointed her flashlight at me and then the licence. "I'm going to have to ask you to step to the front of the car sir," she informed me, her tone now less understanding. At this time, another police car pulled up and two more officers got out. As I walked up to the front of the car, the three officers engaged in a conversation. Then they approached me and took up their positions. On my left was a new policewomen. By the look on her face, it was obvious that she was amused by the situation. In fact, I was surprised she didn't burst out laughing. The policeman on my left had a different attitude. He glared at me like I was Charlie Manson. I was sure he was going to throw me down to the ground any second and put handcuffs on me. The original policewomen took up a position in front of me.
"Now son, I need to know the truth. What is going on?," she demanded. I proceeded to tell her about the party, the restaurant, and the fight with my girlfriend. By this time, I was close to tears (guess my other half had completely taken over). The policewomen looked at me for a moment and smiled. "Sounds like you had a pretty bad night," she said. "But why did you lie to me? Do you know how much trouble that can cause?" I explained that when she pulled me over, I paniced over the prospect of going to jail. "You still may," the glaring policeman said. Another wave of panic griped me.
Maybe she figured I had gone through enough. She could have made it worse for me. Instead she replied, "Now Bill, you know we can't put anyone as pretty as this in jail". This caused them all to laugh and allowed me to relax a little. Turning back to me she said, "Look, stay right here 'Cindy' and I will be right back with you." She then walked back to her car to write up a warning citation.
The stonefaced policeman (and other policewomen) turned out to be a real nice guy. He kept making comments like, "I bet this is a night you will never forget," and "your girlfriend must be one tough lady," to cheer me up (only some police officers are assholes). When the blonde policewomen returned, she handed me a warning ticket and told me to watch my driving.
She then got a big smile on her face and said, "You know, you really do look cute. I know some men in Georgia who would love to meet you. Well, someone who looks like you. You had me going there for a while." The other policewoman added, "I just wanted to say that I love your outfit. Can you tell me where you picked it up because I would like to go shopping there." After telling them where my girlfriend shopped, I crawled back into my car.
Its hard to describe the emotions that were going on inside me. Fear, relief, anger, shame; I was a complete wreak. It took me 10 minutes to collect my feelings before I could drive off. All I could think about was what a perfect ending to a bad night.
But wait, its not over. Once I got home, I had to wait until everyone was asleep before I could sneak into the house. If my parents ever saw me, they would kill me (and they would have). But my luck stayed with me till the end. On the way in, I ran into my sister. How would I like to do her dishes for the next month? Like I'm in a position to bargain with her.
Well, my girlfriend stayed mad at me for about two days and then we made up. A year later we went to the Halloween party again, but this time, I had learned my lesson. I picked out my costume and we went as Mr. and Mrs. Count Dracula. I looked real good, or should I say "real bad." I had my face painted white and had blood and scars all over it. People loved my outfit and told me so several times. So what happens? That's right, she gets mad at me again, this time because I look worse then her. Another argument and another door slammed in my face.
So, let's see, if I look better then her, she gets mad. And when I look worse then her, she gets mad. Is it any wonder men (at least me) can't understand how women think. Of course, my wife tells me the same thing (she can't understand me).
So what did I learn from this night?
BTW, my wife is not the same lady mentioned above. After about 5 years of being with that women, I left her for my first love, model trains! At least I can understand them!