I have been asked to write about my feelings being a CD/TV's wife, like many other spouses that experience, in some way or another, the unusual emotional test of sharing your life with a heterosexual man that has a double personality and, as a derived consequence, a double life...
First of all, I should say that my husband has been very honest with me telling what he hardly knew about his crossdressing from the very beginning of our satisfying relationship several years ago. Nevertheless, we both became aware of the implications of his crossdressing about two years ago when he felt forced, by that other female being, to do it on a regular basis. I was absolutely devastated about the consequences of his transformation into an unknown pretty and sexy bachelorette woman called Olga. For me, this experience has probably been the most distressing one in my whole life. A mixture of ignorance, misunderstandings, anxieties, doubts and suffering were the first sensations I had to go thru during the first months. I blamed Olga for all my disgraces in this world and I also felt the unhappiest woman in this biased and deplorable society. I even felt as if some divine punishment and burden had been thrown on my shoulders for some unforgivable unknown sin I had committed during my short life. It is very hard to explain the confusion, anguish and feelings of guilt I have suffered and, to a certain extent, my husband has also endured with the different arguments, conversations and discussions we have kept and still do in a long process of elucidating the consequences of these changes in our common life.
Now, after almost two years of sharing Olga with me, I still have mixed feelings about all this trans-gender world for many reasons I can't explain here and now in a few words, because they have to do with education, beliefs, society, unconsciousness, and many other aspects that constitute the biography of any human being.
Nevertheless, I would like to distinguish two aspects that from my point of view me are fundamental in my personal perception of a crossdresser husband.
On the one hand, during the last two years I have had the great opportunity of enriching my life as a human being realizing that all I had been told about gender and sexuality had nothing to do with real life. Despite the traditional morality and censorship that almost all western societies tend to impose to their citizens, human sexuality rebels against the stereotypical labels emerging for good or for worse with a fascinating strength and power.
Unfortunately, the strict moral codes that pervade human unconsciousness and the results of the two powerful drives of the unconsciousness (Id and super Ego as Freud called them), clash regularly and the results are unpredictable. The world of transgenderism is a good evidence of these forces acting one against the other in a difficult search for equilibrium, and sometimes, the result of the combat is terrible. I have accomplished a more comprehensive attitude about the human conflicts these two tensions generate among some men and women that simply have different bodies, feelings and necessities that do not follow the official Christian morality trends. I honestly feel a sincere empathy with them and understand that they are some of the many victims this society generates.
It goes without saying that our capitalist society is too busy with its cheap materialism and false hypocritical morality to take care of these particular realities. Instead, the general tendency is that of hiding the natural variety human beings show in everything that has to do with sexuality causing unhappiness and anguish to many of its members. Personally, I try to intellectually broach human behaviours in order to feel more human and understand that I am not the only one on this planet.
On the other hand, I should confess that my contradictory feelings betray me when I feel blue or simply when I am the biological victim of the PMS. In those moments, I have no rational way of controlling the fear that crosses my mind when I imagine the possible consequences of friends and relatives knowing my husband's crossdressing or simply his wish of going out for dinner as Olga with me. While it is true that all these things should not worry me because society should not control our lives in such a way, the fact is that they do and what is more serious is the anguish those unavoidable fantasies cause me. Sometimes, I also think about the repercussions of my husband's crossdressing in his professional life as he focuses most of his energies on this rewarding world. But, above all, the real issue for me is my personal involvement with Olga and my future relationship with her. I think that this is the real test for me as a woman and wife.
In a sense, therefore, I am still debating how to incorporate Olga in my family life and how to work out the anguish and fears she unfortunately starts. At the same time, I am trying to explore the positive aspects in which Olga may strengthen our couple. I am honestly doing my best to cope with all the positive and negative aspects of this singular experience.
Before getting to the point, I want everybody to join me in a big loud cheer:
Ann Lynn, E. Fenton, Kristy’s wife, Evonne Alford, Wendy, my own sweetheart,… all of them have plucked up the courage to attempt carry on their relationship with their TG husbands in spite of their distressing confusion. They overcome their fears, listen to what we have to say, discover a world of femininity which is not necessarily their own, or at least try painfully to do so. That deserves a loud and hearty cheer, a passionate expression of admiration that we don’t cry out often enough. Bless you, women! The world could not exist without you, and you make it a happier place with all your love and sympathetic tolerance.
This article was inspired by, not based on, Kristy's wife's "A Woman's
approach: be honest". I don't wish my words to sound harsh or defiant, on the
contrary. However, this world is a hard place to live in, for all of us, both TGs
and others, so crucial questions must be addressed bravely, face to face, bluntly
if necessary. A typically Spanish saying goes: "you must grab the bull by the
horns." So let's go for it.
No, girls, honesty alone is not enough. I have always been honest to my beloved
spouse, and yet we have about the same problems as Kristy and hers do.
When we met at work, I knew from the beginning she was someone I could trust,
so I told her everything (that I was aware of myself, that is!), even before we
became engaged. She certainly took it as something weird, but nothing much beyond
that. What is more, she was the first person in the world to see my self-portraits
in stockings and garters, and she was not shocked by them, on the contrary, she
found them exciting!
Then, during the first few years of our marriage, I gave up crossdressing, not
knowing myself whether that part of me was past or what. It was not. It came back
with renewed energy as a result of psychoanalysis, which I started completely
unaware of how important crossdressing was to me. My spouse followed closely my
progress throughout the therapy I was involved in for almost two years. I told
her, at the same time I was discovering it myself, that I needed to dress more
often, and more accurately, too. She was a direct witness of the "making" and
eventual "birth" of Olga, that second self I had been holding back for only too
long. I will not deny it was a jolt for her when she first saw me in full dress
and makeup, towering her from my 4 inch stilettos, moving slowly and delicately
like the Queen of the Night. She broke out in tears a few minutes after I stepped
out of the bathroom, and she did the same the next time we tried. Now she doesn’t
anymore. She has even learned how to treat me as a woman in bed, her most recent
and touching achievement in her attitude towards me. I think I was very lucky to
find the person I married. I am now happy, almost perfectly so.
Nevertheless, as Kristy’s wife says, she accepts it, understands it (let’s assume it is so), but still does not like it, and probably never will. Although some other CDs are luckier than Kristy or me, in that they found a woman who does like their crossdressing to the point she participates in it, I don’t want to sound like singing the blues about our spouses’ limitations. Of course I assume it is difficult enough for you girls to take a third person on board just because she came in the same package, and it is certainly not fair to string you along.
Now let me see if I get the picture right, ladies. You don’t like it, put up with it because you love your hubby, but you don’t know where that crossdressing will eventually end up, feeling there is too much pressure for you alone to take. As a consequence, you demand honesty. Well, I have been pretty honest with my spouse, and yet she feels much the same as Kristy’s.
Definitely, honesty alone is not the
point.
I would like to ask you girls to be honest as well, so here goes a very blunt
question: do you really know what acceptance means? You wonder what will
come next, if we will have our legs, arms or chest shaved, if we fantasize about
doing this or that… Listen, WE don't know. We cannot foretell what is to happen
tomorrow or next week. Actually, nobody can predict anything, particularly about
one’s own feelings. Even though
you dislike it, you should also accept that his "second self" is subject to change,
just like you or anybody else. We can be honest about what we feel today, but not
tomorrow, nor can YOU. Your acceptance, then, is conditioned, not by honesty, but
by the impossibility to predict our feelings.
On top of all this, you girls can’t seem to realize that crossdressing, to say the least, is not a piece of cake. First, Kristy’s spouse seems to have understood it, there is self-acceptance, which is a normally lonesome and distressing process. Second, we must get the same acceptance from as many people as possible, CDs and not CDs, men and women. That is often more difficult, since the risk of being rejected, or worse than that, is very high. Showing off perfect legs, manicured hands and polished nails, or behaving convincingly in the company of others, are just a way to get enough self-confidence in the hard and hazardous process of being accepted. Looking, or feeling, ridiculous would be too much for us to bear.
None of those little alterations --never irreversible,
you have to admit!-- is intended to hurt you, string you along or challenge you.
As for how far those liittle frolics might go in future, who knows? If you decided
to shave your head clean, or go away with the milkman next week, is there anything
in the world we could do to stop you? Will you love us when we grow old? We
don’t know, and you don’t know.
Probably, the real trouble is that we are married couples. It’s not our fault
to be CDs: don’t blame us for that. And above all, don’t destroy yourself or your
spouse for the sake of marriage, it’s not worth it anyhow. Two unhappy people do
not make a worthwhile marriage: let’s face it bravely. Nobody is supposed to like
his/her spouse’s crossdressing, but if you decide to keep your marriage going, you
should try to know what it’s all about, understand and accept
it as it IS, not as you would prefer it to be. If you just cannot, then perhaps it
was all a mistake from the beginning.
Having said that, I realize it might sound like "it’s take it or leave it." In
fact, I just want to change the negotiation terms. If you dislike your spouse
being a CD and always will, fair enough, nobody should blame you on that account.
However, if you have decided you want to attempt an acceptance of that fact,
please don’t ask for impossible compensations: that would be just a mild version
of blackmail. Crossdressers can --must-- be tolerant with their spouses if an
acceptance agreement has been put forward. Now, think this over: who makees
that agreement so difficult? Certainly not CDs, nor their spouses, but the
inherited social values. So blame your parents, teachers, neighbors, best
friends,… not us. We CDs have suffered long enough, and our time has come. If our
spouses want to join the cause, they are cordially welcome, I honestly mean
it. If they do not, we will fight without them. Everybody must understand
that.