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How I Got Here

By Paige

Edited by Cynthia Smith



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As I sit here at my computer, in our spare bedroom turned office, trying to put down my thoughts on how I arrived at this point in my life, I am wondering where did my femme personae came from? I don't really have an answer for that question, but I think she has always been a part of my being.
Paige

My first memories of identifying with the opposite gender were in early childhood. As a child I shared a bedroom with my brother and I recall play acting or role playing as we lay in bed at night. We would fantasize, as I suppose most children do, but more often than not I would end up playing the role of the "lady". At that young age I don't think I though anything of it, but my longing to act, dress and be like a lady blossomed. By the time I was twelve or thirteen I was secretly experimenting with makeup, wearing my mother's lingerie, and curling and styling my hair as a girl would. I remember I would often lock myself in our bathroom pretending to have a bath, while dressing, applying makeup and doing my hair (can you imagine a twelve year boy wanting to bath so often, for so long). My parents never suspected, or at least they never let on that they did.

I soon found myself interested in girls for reasons other than wearing their clothes and I convinced myself that my compulsion for wanting to be feminine was not right. In an attempt to purge myself of my longing to be female, I plunged myself into the world of competitive athletics. I was very successful in my athletic endeavors. Over the years I won seven provincial championships, in two different sports, and competed internationally. My success in sports did not eradicate my femme yearnings. Yes, my concentration on athletic endevours kept my mind focussed, and did not leave much room for anything else, but the longing to be female survived and would resurface over and over again. Other than my sports activities and the fact that I had an uncontrollable yearning to be female, my high school years were somewhat typical of a normal red blooded Canadian male, and I somehow managed to make it through high school without anyone finding out my little secret.

I met my wife of now 24 years in my last year of high school and we were married my first year of college. The growing shame and guilt of my feminine desires and the fear of destroying our relationship would not allow me to reveal my secret to her, but my overwhelming need to express my feminine side persisted. I continued to dress en femme when the opportunity presented itself. My secret was almost unveiled in my second year of college. Some days I had no morning classes and I would on occasion use the opportunity to dress. One afternoon I did less than an adequate job of removing my mascara, which was noticed by a classmate. I had to do some fast thinking, and some fancy if not fictitious talking about my wife's experiments in applying her mascara on me. The incident made me far more cautious, and in the future I took greater care in looking after the little details which may put an end to my secret. After graduating college and entering the real world, my occupation allowed me to spend the occasional day at home. On many of those days I seized the opportunity to fulfil my femme desires.

In the twenty four years of my marriage, like many of the other stories I have read, I have been through the cycles of the desire to be female and dress, followed by shame, guilt, purging and the return of my desire to be feminine. Although I say my desire returned after purging, I really don't think it ever really went away, and probably like many of our sisters it grew stronger year after year. About three years ago my desire to dress and be more feminine more and more of the time became almost overwhelming. I would take every opportunity to fulfil my needs including taking days off work to spend time at home as my femme personae. I often thought of telling my wife but couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid of her reaction, of losing her, but I think most of all of hurting her. My gender confusion continued to fill me with guilt and shame. My fear of being discovered, fear of loosing everything in my life that mattered, my wife, my children, my family, and my job, consumed me. However, the overpowering desire to become more and more feminine persisted and was growing stronger.

By the time I was in my early forties my mental state was becoming very precarious, yet because of my fear of being "discovered", I chose not to seek help. Then, a little more than two years ago I was thrown a lifeline. I decided to subscribe to an Internet service provider and through it discovered a thriving transgendered community and the Transgender Forum. I was not alone! Although I knew I was not the only person to feel the way I do, I had no idea that the transgendered community was so extensive and organized. I poured through all the resource material I could find. I even got up the courage to go to the library and loaned books (Brain Sex, and Kate Bernsteins book "Gender Outlaw"). The courageous stories, helpful articles, answers to FAQ's, and fabulous pictures I found on the web, and TGF in particular, comforted and inspired me. My shame and guilt subsided, and I became more at ease with who I am.

Despite this, I still could not get up the courage to face my wife with my gender confusion. Then one evening, about a year and a half ago, it happened. While my son was at soccer practice, Liz (my wife) confronted me with a purchase of cosmetics, which I had carelessly left tucked away at the back of our filing cabinet. In retrospect, I sometimes think that my subconscious mind had made me leave them there on purpose, hoping they would be discovered. However, the cat was now out of the bag, so to speak. I could have tried lying my way out of it but I had been living the lie for far too long, I decided it was time for us both to face the truth.

I took her into our family room, had her sit down, and told her of my gender confusion. To my surprise she took it remarkably well. When she found the cosmetics, her first reaction was that they belonged to another woman, what she did not suspect was that the "other woman" was her husband. I explained what I knew of my "gender identity problem", and of my lifelong yearnings to be female and feminine. She wasn't mad or angry, she was concerned, both for my well being and for the effect it may have on our relationship. We both had a good cry and talked for many hours that night on how we would deal with this change in our relationship. We agreed to keep it between our selves for the time being, perhaps at some latter date we would inform other family members of my "gender identity problem". One thing that we did decide was that we would not tell my son. A twelve year old's psyche is a very fragile thing and we did not want to risk the emotional trauma that would result from the realization that his father was a crossdresser or transsexual.

I was so relieved after the telling was over, it was like a great lead weight had been lifted from my chest, I had been freed of this lifelong secret and could at last share my feelings with someone. Since that fateful day the relationship and bond between Liz and I has grown even stronger than it was before. She has been very supportive and understanding of my desires. Over the last year and a half she has helped me shop for clothes, lingerie, makeup and even chose a name " Paige", for my female side. She has given me constructive criticism on my appearance and complemented me when I look my best. On the first anniversary of her finding out about Paige, Liz presented her with a very special card and a single yellow rose, which signifies friendship.

My "look", mannerisms and attitude have improved so much under Liz's tutoring, and as a result my confidence as Paige has soared. I have on occasion, but with great care, taken short excursions out of our home, and hope in the not to distant future Paige and Liz can go out together, perhaps to Wildsides in Toronto, or to a quiet little restaurant for dinner. All in all I have come a long way in the past two years, both as a person and as a woman. I owe this in part to my friends at TGF, but mostly my growth is the result of the love, caring, support, and thoughtfulness of my wife. Two years ago I was on the brink of who knows what. Today I am more content than I have been in a very long time, and although I would like to travel further down the path in my desire to be female, it would be far to selfish of me to burden the people I love with the hurt that I know transition would bring.

As I finish this article Liz is downstairs reading an article which I recently printed from the TG Forum (She Said, She Said by Stef and Doris Mathews), and my son is off enjoying himself at a local theme park. Every now and again I turn my head, glancing sideways to view myself in the ceiling to floor mirror I recently installed. The sight of my femme personae dressed in a black floral print georgette dress, with hair, makeup, and nails meticulously done, is reflected back. My reflection as Paige pleases me, and I enjoy each and every opportunity which allows her to be seen. I often find myself wishing that her reflection would greet me every time I glanced into that mirror, or any other mirror for that matter, but I realize that my dream will not happen. I must be content, therefore, to remain who I am, as I am, and cherish the uniqueness of the person or people that I am.

Forever

Paige




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