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First Time Experiences
By Gianna E. Israel
©1997 Gianna E. Israel
G E N D E R A R T I C L E S This syndicated column by Gianna E. Israel is
regularly featured on the 3rd Monday of each month in TG-Forum, the
Internet's respected weekly transgender magazine. (http://www.tgforum.com/)
Several weeks later each column is forwarded to Usenet transgender groups,
AOL's Transgender Community Forum (Keyword "TCF"), and translated for Dutch
readership (Transformatie). GenderArticles may be reprinted insofar as each
column, introduction and author contact information remains unaltered.
First time experiences are typically more important
than most people realize. First time out of the closet. First
trip to the department store. First time disclosing to a friend
or family member. First time making love after genital reassignment
surgery. Without a doubt, transgender men and women often become
very adept at mastering first time experiences. It's because we
have so many.
I remember my first time out of the closet years
ago. Those were difficult days. I had been living in San Diego
in the early 80's. I knew nothing about transsexuals, crossdressing
or gender issues. Crossing into Mexico, I went to a pharmacia
and asked to purchase female hormones. The clerk said I was too
young to be buying hormones, and gave me the name of a physician
to contact. At the physician's office I nervously sat looking
about. I envisioned myself becoming institutionalized in Mexico,
and fled. It took several months for me to go back again and ask
a physician for hormones. Since then, I've had hundreds of first
time experiences as a transgender woman.
Are you still in the closet? Never been outdoors
as your new self? On my first occasion I was pitifully frightened.
I laugh now, but wasn't then. I remember believing all my neighbors
were watching me. They were because I acted all nervous and scared.
I made it to the end of the block. Then, ran home as quickly
as I could. It took several weeks to get up the courage to try
doing it again. The second time I made it 4 blocks away to a
friend's house. Can you imagine how relieved I was to be escorted
back home by my friend? My suggestion for first timers. Take
it slow. Be safe. Go out with a companion. It helps considerably
to have an escort on those first several walks outdoors. If you
believe people are watching you, they very well might. Even if
you feel afraid, go ahead and walk out that front door as if it
were just an ordinary thing.
Is it your first time trying and buying opposite-gendered
clothes? My suggestion: catalog order the first few items. It's
the easy way out. You can try new clothing on in the privacy
of your own home. In fact, invite a friend over for a second
opinion. Naturally, good clothing is expensive, therefore do
a little research before investing in a wardrobe. Look at your
body type, and then look and see what others are wearing? Are
there any wardrobe combinations which look good on similarly shaped
people that would possibly look good on you? The first time I
went out and tried on clothing, I bought my first women's suit
at Neiman Marcus. Buy the best you can afford and make sure it
can be altered. Over the years your body size may change, particularly
if you intend to take hormones, and you don't wish to be stuck
with something that can't be changed for fit.
I remember the first time I saw a counseling client
in session alone. It was quite exciting because it was something
I had always wanted to do. It was also a little frightening because
I was new. It helped tremendously to have an experienced therapist
available to me in the next door office. Over the years I've had
plenty of first-time appointments with new clients. Most come
alone. I consider new clients to be pretty brave, particularly
since many have never talked with a therapist before. Is it your
first time visiting a therapist? I suggest you call around.
Talk to therapists by telephone. Anticipate spending 10-15 minutes
talking on the phone with each one. It definitely pays to shop
around. Always ask about their experience dealing with gender
and/or sexual minorities. Tell the individual your needs. Then,
ask how they can help your situation. Be honest about what you
are looking to achieve. Give the therapist time to explain his
or her process to you. Regardless of what guidelines or standards
exist, each therapist generally has their own way of doing business.
The preceding suggestions also apply to doctors,
electrologists, hair stylists--anyone who provides a service.
Shop around. Negotiate and renegotiate services and relationships
to fit your needs. Do not assume just because you found a gender
specializing provider or merchant, you have found the best. Each
provider or merchant has his or her own style and approach. It
helps tremendously to ask other transgender men and women what
their experiences have been. Don't just ask for one or two opinions,
ask around three or four times. Just as if you were shopping
for a new car, consider that you are making an investment. The
majority of products and services transgender consumers seek are
expensive and often irreversible. You want the very best you
can afford.
I remember my first time visit to a support group.
I went along with a friend in the role as a co-facilitator.
I already was practicing as a community counselor, so I was probably
one of the more informed persons in the group. Still the same,
like any first-timer, I found it useful to sit quietly and observe
the dynamics of the group. I listened to conversation and learned
what type of issues people were dealing with in the group. I
knew from experience nobody likes a first-time visitor who portrays
him or herself as an instant expert. Listening can be invaluable,
particularly if you have a lot of first time questions or just
found a new transgender Internet resource. When visiting, go
ahead and introduce yourself. Then, as I did, before asking questions,
sit and listen for awhile. This will give you some idea what
type of issues people are comfortable talking about. Sometimes
it can be extremely helpful to ask an experienced group member
if you can speak to them privately, this can be particularly useful
if you have questions which you feel uncomfortable talking about
in public.
On the Internet, when you visit a chat room or newsgroup,
ask if there is a FAQ file. FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions.
A FAQ file usually has easy-to-read answers to basic questions.
Reading the FAQ file will give you a chance to learn new information
without interrupting people who are already discussing day-to-day
conversations. Once you have a comfortable feeling for a group,
chat room or newsgroup, you can then began participating in conversation.
Are you ready for your first full-time day on the
job in your new presentation? That is an extremely important
day for many transgender men and women. You should already have
plenty experiencing being out in the world in your new role.
You should have a support system of friends, a therapist, and
others you can call for advise. And, I've always encouraged male-to-female
clients to have already completed the vast majority of their electrolysis
if at all possible. In fact, if possible, regardless of transition
direction, you may want to have already started hormones. Doing
so will help your presentation. Female-to-male transsexuals,
however, are advised to remember their voice will change. Generally
starting hormones 1-3 months before going full-time at work will
provide a grace period where changes are observable but not overwhelmingly
obvious.
On your first day, you can anticipate people who
are aware of your transgender identity are going to be naturally
very curious. Allow for questions, however, also keep in mind
your first priority is to not allow this personal issue to detract
from your work performance. You can anticipate that the more
preparation you placed into this important first day, the more
people are going to appreciate your efforts. I have heard hundreds
of positive first-day experiences from clients who put forethought
into this special day. Occasionally, a client will come see me
directly after their first day at work. They sigh, sink casually
into my couch, and state how proud they feel of themselves. They
have every right to feel proud. Anyone who works so hard to become
who they are has the right to feel that.
The funniest first-time experience I remember as
a therapist, was receiving an emergency telephone call from a
client. She had a date. Not just any date! The first-time love-making
experience was waiting for her in the next room. "Gianna,
what should I do?" Funny, I didn't remember her mentioning
she had considered trying that yet. She hadn't even mentioned
interest in anyone. I told my client to start out slow, use plenty
of lubricant and protection, and ask her partner to allow her
to do all the work until she was comfortable. The following week
she was glowing, as she told about her first time experience.
I was glad to hear she had kept up her dilation, and had practiced
masturbating prior to seeking out a date. These things had contributed
significantly to her being able to relax and experience pleasure.
Gianna E. Israel provides nationwide telephone consultation, individual
and relationship counseling, evaluations and referrals. She is principal author
of the Recommended Guidelines for Transgender Care, writes Transgender Tapestry's
"Ask Gianna" column; is an AEGIS board member and HBIGDA member.
She can be contacted at (415) 558-8058, at P.O. Box 424447 San Francisco,
CA 94142, via e-mail at gianna@counselsuite.com or
visit her Web Site
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