By Ellen
edited by Cynthia Smith



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I always new that I was weird. I had always thought that my lack of the"killer instinct" was part of it, I am a heterosexual male after all. But I'd much rather compromise; I prefer equal rather than dominant /subordinate relationships. Then there are all those times when something that I heard, read, or saw instantly brought me to the point of tears. Its not that real men don't cry, its just that I seem to cry too easily. Just weird.

Then there's the desire to feel the soft smooth touch of the things females get to wear. From before adolescence, I've secretly coveted the nylons, and silks worn by the other sex. Just plain weird, that's all. Just weird. No normal male would even think of such things. Why did I have to continuously push such thoughts aside? I'm not attracted to other men, so why this obsession to feel as a woman feels? I would fantasize about living as a woman, yet at the same time I am sexually attracted to them. Does this make me some kind of hetro-homosexual?

They say that good can come from tragedy. Well I suppose so, but there are a lot better ways to get to good. I was alone. My parents had passed on several years ago one and then the other, and now my first wife and I had decided to call it quits after 16 years of marriage. The last ten years we were more like house mates, even though we shared a bed. I realized that it was time to leave when I discovered that, in addition to not telling her bad things that happened to me, I was also withholding the good. We were living two separate lives, the divorce just made it official.

I took a job that kept me on the road; training people on various computer software. I volunteered to teach the longer classes, and the ones that criss-crossed the country with occasional visits overseas. My co-workers thought I was crazy; I was always on the road or learning how to teach another course that would keep me on the road some more. They had families, I didn't and I didn't want to have to think about what I should have or how I should be. The problem is that you can't run away forever.

I wasn't interested in one-night stands nor did alcohol hold much attraction, but occasionally I'd visit the bar of the hotel I was
inhabiting that week, but it only takes one night to change your life. I was in New Orleans, the bar was full of people attending a convention of some kind, so I found a place at the bar. I had been there a while, enjoying the company of people when a woman asked if the seat next to mine was taken. I said no, she was welcome to it. What started the conversation was my accent, and her lack of one. I am from the South, and although my accent never was very strong, and had been scrubbed out even more due to my travels, it's still there. She claimed to be from the Crescent City but she didn't have the accent. She did have a most sensuous alto and I complimented her on it. Her name was Clarissa and she admitted that she had grown up in Iowa, and had moved south chasing a job.

There was something intriguing about her. She didn't have "knockout-good-looks" but she was handsome in a Latin way. We carried on quite a conversation which lead to a shared supper and a promise to meet again at the end of the week. I really didn't expect that anything would come from this date, but you never know.

Friday came around and that evening I parked myself in a chair in the lobby so that I could be easily seen. Just about at seven on the dot, Clarissa swept through the automatic doors; sort of an automated grand entrance. I stood, and she gave me a little hug which both shocked and delighted me. Huggers are indigenous to the South, so I wasn't offended, just surprised, and, well, grateful. She saw my bemused look, and said that she didn't mean to be bold, but that I looked like I needed a hug. I had attended college in New Orleans and suggested that we go to a restaurant on Lake Ponchatrain. The place was know by locals for two things, its food and its female impersonators. I didn't realize that I would get two for the price of one.

The supper conversation went down the usual path of home towns, families, and jobs, then turned to likes, dislikes and feelings. About that time, a lady dressed-to-kill came over to our table and gave Clarissa a big hug and turned a looked me over as though she was trying to decide to eat me from top-to-bottom or vice versa. Clarissa introduced me to Judy, and said that this was our "first date" and that I was a traveling man. At this, Judy's eyes went from, normal to high-beam to spotlight and from Clarissa to me and then back to her. She said to Clarissa to have fun, but be careful, shot me another look and swished away.

Wow! I said, that's one impressive woman, or a man who really knows how to put it all together. I think she has more nerve and confidence than I'll ever know. Why do you say that was Clarissa's response. Well, it's one thing to fantasize and quite another to turn fantasy into reality, I replied. Clarissa didn't say a word, just stared at me as though trying to come to a decision. I want to share something with you, she said. You seem to be a considerate, thoughtful person, and I was going to bring this up anyway, said Clarissa. You see, the reason that I know Judy is that I'm a transsexual and I first met Judy at a social club for transvestites."

They say that when your mind is forced to try to comprehend catastrophic events, like when you're in an auto crash, or a shooting, time seems to stand still. Well it did. I felt as though I was sitting still and the room was spinning around me. I tried to assess my feelings, I wasn't mad with Clarissa. Yes this was completely unexpected, but I hadn't done anything that I could feel ashamed of. Clarissa had been honest with me, not promising anything that she (I couldn't picture her as him) couldn't deliver. It didn't sound as though she was asking anything of me, although I vowed to myself to guard her secret and my chivalry index went off the scale (I was raised a southern gentleman, remember). Apparently my expression was as if I had been struck dumb for Clarissa said, "At least you're still sitting there, you haven't turned red, you're not cussing at me and storming out the door."

"From your mannerisms, dress, and looks, you did fool me" I said. Somehow my mind had caught on the words transsexual and transvestite, so I asked "I have to ask you about the two trans-words you used. What's the difference?"

"Well," she said, "I've always thought that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. In fact I in transition right now and have been living as a woman full time for the last three months. If my finances work out I plan to have sexual reassignment surgery in a year or so. That's what it means to be transsexual. Judy, on the other hand is a man who likes to let the female part express herself."

"Oh" I said. "I think I can relate to that." I can remember thinking "what have I just said!?"

"What can you relate to" asked Clarissa, "being a woman trapped in a man's body or a man who wants to express his female side?" This was turning into a real-life Truth of Dare. She had been honest and trusting with me and now I had to decide if I could be the same way with her. "I've often wondered what it feels like to be a woman" was my response. How do you mean that?" was her next question. I mean dressing as a woman and being treated as a woman." I said and was surprised that I had given my feelings voice so easily. Clarissa begin to smile, then chuckle. "From our conversations I believed that you were a kind, accepting person, or I wouldn't have come here alone with you. Now it turns out that you are gender dysphoric too. No wonder you haven't blown-up at my little secret, your female feelings of concern and support were what initially attracted me and now have kept you here. How serious are you about discovering what it is to be female in this society?" she said. "Are you serious enough to want to look like Judy? Because if you are, I'm willing to help. Think it over while I make a trip to the ladies room."

With that she left me with my racing thoughts, emotions and a half finished meal. Deep down wasn't this what I'd always wanted? Was she for real? Where would I be if I went through with this? Was this some kind of sucker deal, a scam to get me in a compromised position? Before I could sort this all out, Clarissa was back, and Judy was with her. She explained that she had talked to Judy because she thought that Judy could better understand my feelings and that if I took her up on her offer, I was closer to Judy's size rather than hers. I suppose Judy had been there before because in the next half hour, she spoke of all most all of my concerns, doubts, and emotions. Then came the question again, "Do you really want to see the world from a-top a set of heels?" asked Judy. During the question and answer session I had already decided to take this opportunity. Such circumstances would probably never come my way again. "Yes, I really would" was my response.

"Do you have anything scheduled for this weekend?" Judy asked. "I may have now" was my answer. Judy smiled, said "OK" and after asking me the five numbers that describe a male, see gave me a card on which she had written the name of a hotel and room number. It was one of the major international family of hotels, and she said to be there at 10 o'clock tomorrow. If this was a scam, it was an expensive and elaborate one. I said that I'd be there. The rest of the evening I talked with Clarissa, listening to her struggles, asking questions, laughing, and thinking. When we finally said goo night, she leaned over and gave me a kiss and I didn't pull away, I kissed her back.

I didn't get much sleep that night. I got to the Hotel at 9 O'clock. I found the room, and wandered along the floor trying to sniff out anything that was unusual. I asked a housekeeper if she knew if Judy had come back from breakfast, She smiled at me, winked and said that she thought so. It was 9:45, but I couldn't wait any longer, so I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Judy opened the door and with a warm smile invited me into her suite. I was glad the Judy had answered the door, I thought, and not her male personage. I wasn't sure that I would have entered if "he" had answered the door. Judy invited me to sit and asked if I wanted something to drink.

Judy said "This is the weekend that the local Tri-Ess chapter has its meetings here in this hotel and several of us get together to rent this suite so if you see other girls running in and out, don't worry about a thing. Its so much nicer than a single room, and after all we're here to mingle, not hide out." She went on to explain what Tri-Ess was all about, and what was on today's schedule and tomorrow's. Then she asked if I wanted to participate in any of these activities, to which I said yes. The next question was how I wanted to appear, as a man or woman? I thought, well I'm being given every chance to back-out but I didn't come here to sit on the sidelines, I want to get into the game, so I said "How could I go as woman? I don't own anything except some pantyhose which I left in my room" and returned Judy's smile as I made the pantyhose comment. "I think that between my wardrobe, and a friend's that I can provide you with an outfit" was her reply. "OK" I said "what should I do?"

Judy asked, "Do you have any objection to trip by mister razor over your legs and other parts that need attention?" I thought for a moment, and said that I had none, so she sent me into the bathroom to take care of hair removal. You know, you never notice that your hair keeps the things that you wear away from your skin, that is until its not there to get in the way. Shaving all over was not an easy task or risk free task. I was glad that there was a tube of shaving gel that I could see through so that I could watch what I was cutting. After I had finished with the razor, I showered and I have to say it was the most stimulating shower that I had ever had. As I was drying off, Judy tapped on the door and put a bundle of "things" for me to put on, and suggested that I use one of the body oils to keep my shaved skin from chapping.

After following all of my instructions, I examined the stack of thing Judy had left for me. The slippery smoothness of the panties excited me when I picked them up, but the feel of then sliding across my bare thighs was exquisite. What I thought was pantyhose was instead old fashioned hose with a garter belt to keep them up. A soft bra and foam breasts were next. It took me a few tries to be able to get the hooks to catch in their correct loops but I finally made it. The last item was a half slip which would tease my legs at every move. I called to Judy, "Where's the rest of the outfit?" Which got the reply, "Come on out and let's see what we have to work with."

"You know, just before we get made-up and become our female selves," Judy said with a smile, "I think that we all look like wet cats. Sit in this chair and try to relax. First I'm going to reduce your brows to the Brooks Shields category, then I'm going to paint your face." With that she attacked my eyebrows, but she was so quick that it she was finished before I even had a chance to say ouch (well not more than one or two ouches). Then she rubbed a stick of what she called industrial strength beard cover on me face and then spread it around. Next came some powder, and then she was working on my eyes and finally she said "Smile and say 'ah'. Now matte your lips together" and she had applied lipstick which had a pleasant taste. "Next comes the wig. I tried to get one that was not too long and close to your hair color. Better to start slow and then move into Bombshell" she said. She combed the wig, and said "Now its your turn, which of these three outfits would you like to wear to your first session?"

One outfit was dark green slacks and an ecru shirt, the next was a cotton skirt with a bluish print and light blue top, and last was a navy dress with a silver button at the neck. I came here in slacks, so I don't want to wear that outfit and the dress looked a little more formal than I thought was appropriate, so I said "I'd like to wear the skirt and top." "Good choice for sitting in meetings" was Judy's reply and she indicated a pair of navy pumps that went with the outfit. "Because you don't yet have pierced ears, I have a pair of clip-on era rings for you. Come over here and have a look at the woman that was inside you. When you see her, introduce her to me".

I can you remember the first time you saw yourself in makeup, wig and female clothing? At first I couldn't believe that the image in the mirror was me, but as I looked deeper into the face, I saw my maleness underneath the female. I wondered why I hadn't been able to see my female under my usual male face. Who is this person reflected in the mirror? I thought, and the answer came instantly, as though it had always been there: Ellen. My maternal grandmother's name was Ellen and now I could see a likeness in the mirror image. I said "Judy, I'd like you to meet Ellen." "Come, let me introduce you to the other girls, Ellen" said Judy.

My life had changed forever. Like a butterfly, I had come out of my cocoon, Ellen had taken flight. In the last two days I had come from feeling that I was all alone in my weirdness, to a transformation into Ellen, and now I was headed for my first Tri-Ess meeting. Although my head was still spinning with feelings and ideas and questions at the physical and emotional whirlwind I had entered, at the very center of my being I knew that this was the right thing to do and now was the right time.

Judy, my hostess and "mistress in charge of transformations", led me the Tri-Ess meeting room a few doors down the hall.. She introduced me to some of the ladies who were there and left me with instructions to attend the "New TV" session which was about to start.

There were five people in the NTV session, but only three had "just-come-out", the other two were "old-timers" there to answer questions, give suggestions and tell their stories. This helped me to really understand that I was not "the only person in the world who ever have this problem" and that many other people have learned to enjoy this duality of living. Two of us "new girls" were dressed as females, the other sort-of unisex male. I also discovered that my tenor voice was now a valued asset, and by speaking from the top of my voice, I could be easily mistaken for a woman. When I explained how I came to be here in this dress, all anyone could say was that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

You know, being female is a lot of work as I found out that afternoon when I attended 1) How to keep your wig, 2) Foundation Make Up for the Blue beard, and 3) Eyes for afternoon and Evening. After these three sessions I could only imagine all that I would need to know as a woman. Then there's the matter of clothes. I didn't own a stitch I had on and I needed to change that. I knew that I was not up to even figuring out what to buy, much less how to buy things that go together. Then I thought about trying to purchase female things as a man; "How do you know if it fits? I asked Sally, one of the ladies who had conducted the "new girls" session. "Easy" she said, "you try it on." My blood seemed to turn to ice water at the thought of everyone in a store staring at the man in the dress. "Several of us girls are going shopping at some T-friendly stores. Want to come along?" She asked. My relieved expression must have been something to see because she just laughed, and said that "shopping was what girls do, and the sooner I get started practicing, the better." That afternoon I purchased my first wardrobe; panties, bras, slips, hose, shoes and dresses. The last two categories provided the most apprehension and yet the most reward.

Dresses as a woman, the lingerie department was no problem, neither was the hosiery department. Then there was the unscheduled visit to the cosmetics section of the department store. I recognized some of the bottles and tubes that Judy had used a one counter, so I went in that direction as the other girls headed to their cosmetic supply station or other shops. We agreed to meet in 45 minutes and I had a mission. I looked over the sales ladies at the counter I had chosen to try to determine which one appeared to be "most natural". I figured that someone who knew how much makeup to use was just as important as knowing what to use and how to use it. I made my selection, waited for her to finish her a sale, and went over and asked her if she would help me with a makeup-checkup. She looked me over once then twice and then again and asked me why I felt that I needed a "check-up" because she thought that I was doing fine. I said that I had decided to get rid of all of my older makeup and so I needed everything. I could see the dollar signs in her eyes when I made that statement. "Lets start with your basic colors then. I think that your foundation may be a little too yellow" she said. I left there with bag full of transformational potions, and a mini how-to clinic.

At the appointed time, we all meet, and left the mall to visit the T-friendly shop in a strip center a few miles away. The store had women's and plus sizes so that there was something for all of us look over. I had three types of outfits that I wanted; day wear, similar to the skirt and top I was wearing, business wear, and something to wear that evening at dinner. I started with the last first. I was introduced to the store manager and her two assistants and at the suggestion of a sales clerk, I tried on a dress to see what size I needed. Next the clerk and I selected three dresses for me to try. Each time I put one on and came out of the dressing rooms, the other girls would help me with comments and suggestions. I've never had so much fun shopping, but then men never shop, they buy. I settled on a sleeveless, flowing dress that masked my lack of hips and made me feel so feminine when I moved. I didn't get to the business outfit, but I did select two skirts and tops that I could mix and match, shoes, and some jewelry. All I can say is that I was happy to have had gold credit cards that day.

When we returned to the hotel, I headed for Judy's room to get ready for the evenings activities. Judy asked how I'd done and I gave her a big hug and said "wonderfully". I was an absolute chatter box, but Judy kept telling me to change clothes while I talked and shortly Ellen reappeared and except for her hair, was wearing her own things. Judy said that if I waned to, I could go by the wig shop of the person who had conducted the session, tomorrow and remedy that situation. We were off, watch out metropolis, here we come.

At the restaurant, I had another, most pleasant surprise, Clarissa was there waiting for us. She looked us over twice before settling her eyes on me. We hugged, and I was glad for water-proof mascara, because we both found tears in our eyes. We sat next to each other at a large round table with some of the other girls. She asked me how I was doing because she was concerned that I might be going too far too fast. I said that my head was still spinning but that I was like a kind in a candy shop; almost everything I'd ever dreamed of has come true. Clarissa said that she was happy for me, but that she also wanted to ask a favor of me. I said that if I could, I would certainly do whatever she asked. "This may sound strange to you, but I'd like to see you again tomorrow, but dressed as a male" she said. "OK" I said and we agreed that she would meet me at 3 o'clock at my hotel. When we finished the dinner, the group of us girls went to a local watering hole. Shortly after arriving I found that I was emotionally as well a physically exhausted, and left to retrieve my things from Judy's room and head to my hotel for some rest.

Sunday afternoon Clarissa and I went for a walk in a city park and also strolled through a botanical garden. I had been brimming over with happiness all day and it must have shone through because Clarissa said that "I looked like one of the flowering bushes in full bloom!" That was how I felt too, but I could sense turbulence under Clarissa calm exterior. We sat together on a stone bench, and I asked her if there was anything that I could do to calm her "furrowed brow"? She smiled and said that my ability to "perceive her feelings was one of the things that had attracted her to me."

She asked if we "could stay together tonight even though all we could do was to hold and touch each other?" I smiled and said "I'd love to". When you meet people who seem special to you, you need to hold on to them as long as you can.


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