If In Doubt... Smile!By Dr. Alycia Ellison It is an old axiom, when in doubt, smile, for people believe what they hear and see. Therefore if you appear in public places crossdressed, it is of the utmost importance to believe in yourself as a woman. Thus, when you approach an individual before you speak, they will believe you are a woman, and attribute your voice to being possibly a result of a cold or flu. A soft voice a little below a normal women's voice will not register as a masculine and not alter the message you are sending. Our perception of the appearance and gender of the person before us initially affects our behavior towards that person. This appearance leads to the expectation about what the response will be. Those expectations we regard as virtual certainties because they are the normal pattern of behavior to which we have become accustomed. If, however, the crossdresser speaks before "she" is observed, she may be read. Thus coughing in a bass voice or clearing your throat harshly may also reveal your identity. Communication is as essential to passing as are the clothes one wears. Communication covers the whole range of the psychological and sociological effects of the masculine and feminine role. Speaking is probably the simplest action in terms of physiology but the hardest to achieve. Thus to pass in society for brief intervals is not for the faint of heart, as it involves development of sociological, psychological and interpersonal skills to give voice to the expression of the soul. Simply wearing the clothes of the opposite sex is inviting disaster. One of my most obvious failures early in my transition from the closeness and comfort of the house to the unchartered perils of the street was not to recognize the subtle yet definitive nuances which a woman (female) takes for granted. Men usually have little awareness as to true femininity. To compound this confusion, even if he is dressed as a woman, he is still aware of himself as a male, and will generally act as a male if he is not sufficiently adept at recognizing the female nuances and is facile enough to adopt them. His own attitudes towards the other sex may be noticed as incongruous to his apparent sex. Thus, we have the confusion of crossed lines. A woman viewing what she interprets visibly as another woman, will make the approach she would normally make to another woman. But confusion sets in, when the crossdresser does not respond to her cues and responds as a male would. For example, both women approach a door together. The normal male attitude is to hold the door open and let her pass through and then follow, rather than proceeding through the door and holding it open for her to grasp and then proceeding onward. "Why," one might ask, "is the crossdresser resistant to softening his voice?" The answer may lie in a reluctance to give up the power vested in the male image. Or, in other cases, some simply don't care about passing. Or some are just lazy and haven't feminized the soul. The voice of authority, often loud and strident, is reluctant to become meek and mild. In part, the voice, is based on the physiology of gender, and is not modulated by hormonal action. In males, it is further amplified through the adam's apple, thus giving it larger room to vibrate allowing the masculine voice to resonate and therefore achieve a lower pitch. Females, on the other hand, have no amplification other than the nasal passages. The female voice, therefore, does not resonate and is higher than a man's voice. It is true that one can convince himself, especially if his voice is a high tenor, that a lot of woman have low voices as noted with Tallulah Bankhead or Carol Channing. However, they fail to realize that these woman while throaty are well modulated. The answer to this puzzle is to think about tone, pitch or inflection and volume. Men generally speak louder while conversing, as one is considered meek and mild if a low modulated voice is used. Women, on the other hand, normally speak softly as they were raised to be gentle. It is noticeable that in the blue collar culture, females use expletives and speak in more strident tones, especially those involved in male oriented tasks. Perhaps they wish to imply that they are on the same level as the men doing similar tasks. As one ascends the sociological or socio-economical level, one sees a different type of feminine vocal behavior. There is also a considerable difference in the speech pattern of the educated female, which implies a certain degree of culture and sophistication, in contrast to the female who has had a grade school or high school education at best. The use of expletives and coarser and louder speech inherent in the male culture tend to become softer and cleaner in the feminine culture, especially when one is talking to another female. As socialization or cultural conditioning increases due to wealth, training or increased educational status, one notices the softening of the female voice, the use of less dominant expletives, a greater variation in pitch or tone, a more rapid and animated delivery complete with eye contact and hand motions, which are generally more unrestrained than those of men. Their conversations are laced with words like "cute,""lovable," "darling," and "honey," which men generally consider too effeminate for their macho image. Men tend to speak rapidly, considering the slower languishing drawl effeminate. One has only to hear males speak in falsetto voices to realize how inappropriate this tone appears. A crossdresser speaking in a falsetto tone is immediately recognized for what he is, a male in woman's clothing. Women also use qualifiers extensively to soften or qualify phrases and often include "tag end questions" at the end of their statements, (e.g.)" Mary had such a beautiful coat on, don't you think?" Men would generally say, "I thought Mary had on a beautiful coat," if, he regarded her clothing at all. Men tend to be, as a rule, less observant and reluctant to give compliments. The feminine vocabulary is replete with such qualifiers as "lovely,""gorgeous," "beautiful" or as my sister was fond of saying "too precious for words." Especially when talking to another female, women use a vocabulary sprinkled with an abundance of adjectives and adverbs. In my observation, the female tends to be person-centered rather than object centered. She is in touch with her feelings and those of others. Women are more prone to reveal their emotions, whereas the male is generally not in touch with his feelings and generally does not recognize easily the feeling of others. Males have generally been brought up to be stoic. He must always be in control of himself and the situation, never to reveal what he is feeling or his emotional state. Men are more literal, direct and to the point, whereas women tend to avoid, through qualifiers, any direct statement, especially if abusive or derogatory. Towards the opposite sex, women may be, coy, sexy, flirtatious, but toward other women they are often spontaneous, lighthearted and easygoing. Feminine behavior also involves facial and hand movements with each statement or remark. A woman may smile to disarm any potentially harmful or dangerous query, a move which to many men is considered submissive behavior. It has been often stated, especially in mideastern or oriental culture that a smile covers shame, guilt, and nervousness, However, this genuine disarming gesture may warm the coldest heart. Man, however, in his more primitive mode does not know how to smile easily. Rather, he is on the defensive or openly aggressive in his behavior, especially when "on the make." The woman tends to smile easily again as a disarming gesture and gesticulates with her hands when emphasizing a point. For women, the gaze is the avenue for emotional expression. As I became enlightened about the intricacies of the feminine mystique, I began to understand the earlier emotional problems I had encountered during the first stage of my new relationship. The feminine point of view and emotional base is not based on the concept of advice, solution or resolution of a problem, but on the satisfaction of being heard and understood. A woman is looking for empathy and awareness, and perhaps a shoulder to cry on. Thus in our transition from masculinity to femininity we now cast aside the male patterning and begin to understand the nature of human caring, that of love and respect as epitomized in Madame Butterfly. To her these are the essentials: a women needs to feel cared about, with understanding, reassurance and devotion. While a man's concept depends on the strength he shows in solving problems rather than talking about them, to giving advice instead of just listening, being trusted to make the right decision. From these ideals, he receives acceptance, appreciation and admiration. In communicating the male motto is don't speak unless you have something to say. Again this baffles most women and classifies males as the strong silent type. For them conversation, whether it is on the telephone or personally to a friend, is not only a way of conveying information but a way of discovering new and related information. In many cases, they may want to share information but do not know where to begin or if it relates to their feelings on a subject, they may bring up related ideas before coming to the main point. However, I discovered if I listen patiently and quietly, eventually I will learn what she is referring to and she will then reward me with a smile. as if I have given her a gift of support. I no longer offer, as I was prone to do in the past, a solution or a finishing thought for her so that we could get on with the business at hand. A woman, I discovered, just wants to share herself and I have discovered lately this provides a strong basis for intimacy and friendship and in the long run, a positive relationship. Therefore with a song in your heart and a smile on your face, you will achieve warm friendship wherever your life leads you. |