By Angela Gardner

Charge the web browsers, strap on your jet packs, the Diva is on the air! Great opening sentence. Now what? I gotta tell ya girls, I've got a writer's block about this big. I've tried everything, too. I had a cup of coffee, or two. I went shopping. That resulted in a great new long, black skirt to add to my wardrobe. (I better add some closet space to my wardrobe soon.) It didn't help with the writer's block.

Sigh... I just couldn't come up with a thing. I watched a little television to distract myself and caught a Sally Jesse Raphael Show (January 15, 1997) that featured Beautiful Women With A Secret. Yeah, they all started out as guys. Why is it that when they do these kind of shows the "women" parade around in "fashion shows" that display huge amounts of flesh and cleavage? (Pretty good looking flesh and cleavage, I might add.) The outfits always seem to consist of glitzy gowns, G strings and thigh high vinyl boots. One of the female audience members complained that the women on stage were all trashy. I guess that's the impression of the transgendered that comes through when television shows feature the glamourous portion of the TG community. Why do they do it? Glamour (read sex appeal) sells. That means rating points. A group of sedate, tastefully attired ladies, who happen to be transgendered, are no longer enough for a spike in the ratings. Bring on the babes! The Larry Flynt movie isn't bringing in the masses cause it's a stunning portrayal of one man fighting for his Constitutional rights. It's pulling the crowds cause they're hoping to see some hot babes in skimpy outfits.

I always wonder about TG women who concentrate on glamour. I tend to suspect that those who take hormones and have various surgeries to make them look more like Pamela Anderson Lee are more on the transvestite end of the TG spectrum than the TS portion. I'm a transvestite (and proud of it) and I love to look sexy and wear hot (but expensive, darlings, not cheap) clothes. If other circumstance in my life were different (less body hair, more head hair, etc.) I might have been one of the girls on the Sally show. I have a need to express myself in female roles and enjoy it a lot. I still wouldn't be a transsexual, but I would be able to wear a skimpy G string without worrying about hiding my candy, to quote Lady Chablis. (OK, I'm not getting rid of my candy. That's really what separates the truly TS from the dabblers in femininity.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't automatically assume that if you are transgendered male-to-female, and you dress in a sexy and provocative manner, that you're a TV tramp. Like the transgender impulse, trampitude is something that's part of a person regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I know two women (GGs) who feel like they're drag queens trapped in women's bodies. So, the desire to look like a cheap hooker doesn't mean you're not gender dysphoric. You may be, but you're too busy perfecting your eye makeup to go through any therapy that might clarify your gender identity. Speaking of blurred gender identity...

Painted Male Hussies

My best friend's son came home from Texas to live with her. One day she noticed he had dark polish on his toe nails. Was he a kindred spirit? No. I wear toe polish for a TV thrill, he wears it to fit in with the new teen to twenty-something attitude that makeup isn't just for girls. In fact some younger guys consider it sexist to say that makeup is a feminine prerogative. I think it's part of the movement started by the glam rock bands of the Seventies and brought to popularity in the Nineties by modern rock bands like Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins. For whatever reason grunge boys are wearing eye shadow, eyeliner and lipstick, as well as nail polish on fingers and toes.

According to Spin magazine (passed along to me by Jessica Brandon) 35% of 14 to 30 year old males thought that makeup was cool. What helps to make it cool are the names, like Uzi and Frostbite. Even the name of one of the companies that produces the makeup is macho, Urban Decay. Hey dude! If it's metallic purple or gunmetal color then it's OK for guys. I bet they still draw the line at shades of pink.

Barbie Alternates

Back in December the San Francisco Examiner ran an article on the latest San Francisco craze, alternative Barbies. The dolls are designed and put together not by Mattel, but by a company called Motel. What does Motel have to fill our alternative Barbie needs? How about: Trailer Trash Barbie-She comes with a cigarette dangling from her lips, her platinum hair showing black roots, a baby swung over her hip and a quote bubble that says, "My Daddy Swears I'm the Best Kisser in the County!" Her trailer and other accessories are sold separately. Big Dyke Barbie-She sports a pierced nose and a quote bubble that says, "Want to shoot some pool?" Carrie Barbie-She wears a prom dress drenched in blood. Hooker Barbie-Accessorized with a negligee and condom. And of course, Drag Queen Barbie-A Ken doll with a Barbie gown and wig. Oh goodie girls, a doll for us! Get one soon before Mattel puts a stop to this kind of twisted creativity.


Speaking of San Francisco

A concerned reader named Robyn forwarded a column from an SF newspaper. It seems that one of the city's firefighters is transistioning from female to male and the San Francisco Fire Department is handling it well. Assistant Chief James Cavellini issued a three-page memo to the troops, pointing out that "it is the duty and obligation of the Department to ensure that all employees and members of the public are respectfully treated as members of the gender to which they identify.'' Kudos (what the hell does that mean, anyway?) to the Fire Department. On the other hand, the paper commented, "Highly civilized..."

Speaking of Civilized

You just can't get more civilized than those wacky Brits. I mean, how could the country that brought us Monty Python be anything but civilized? Queen Elizabeth is in the habit of addressing the commoners every Christmas. For those who found the royal chin wag a bit too boring the innovative Channel Four offered alternative. Comedian Rory Bremner, in his best Princess Diana getup, giving a Yule message at the same time as the Queen. How very droll, dahlings.

Brit Appalls Hoosier Host

Gee, I hope that's right. I think Letterman is a Hoosier. Well anyway, it goes good with "host" and that's what counts in a snappy headline. The Brit in question was Tracy Ullman and the host seemed a little bit uncomfortable with Tracy's tale of wearing "fake genitalia" for her male cab driver character, Chic. It happened on the January sixth show when Tracy said she wore birdseed in a bag (now where did she get that idea?) to simulate testes, and a "sausage" of foam to provide an impressive bulge for Chic, the chick magnet. I've seldom seen Dave look as uncomfortable, except perhaps for the time when Howardette Stern appeared on the show and danced on his desk.

He just kind of sat there while she talked about how she accidentally dipped her phony willy in the toilet when she went to relieve herself in the ladies room. (She said it was kind of weird to use the ladies room while looking like a guy. Believe me Tracy, I know what ya mean.) She said she had to remove the sausage part and throw it over the stall top to her assistant while other women were using the facilities.

I thought it was hilarious, but Dave was nodding like one of those puppies that people put on the ledge of their car's back window. The heads go up and down as they drive down the highway. I guess Dave really is repressed. The fake genitalia story didn't seem to bother Paul Schaffer. (He's Canadian, ya know. Has nothing to do with anything but I thought you should know.) Don't worry Dave, this gender blurring stuff isn't catching.

Bad Taste, On The Other Hand...

Dennis Rodman, destroyer of cameramen, is also a fashion menace as far as Mr. Blackwell is concerned. The fashion designer (does anyone actually own anything designed by Blackwell?) chose Rodman to top his annual list of the worst dressed women. Blackwell described Rodman as a "unisex wreck." Well Mister Blackwell, Miss Dennis might be a fashion mess but she our fashion mess. Of course, since Rodman kicked that cameraman, he's probably going to have to get used to living on a tighter budget. He'll probably be getting his feather boas at the discount store for a few years. In any event, Rodman has been enough of an influence (without kicking) to be mentioned in other basketball player's sneaker ads. In one Michael Jordon ad we see Jordan talking to a classroom of kids. One of the kids asks, " Did you see the basketball player that dressed up in a wedding dress?'' The legend continues.

Speaking of Legends

Joni Mitchell is in the running for living legend. She appeared on Letterman (guess we know what the Diva is doing every night) and did a number with just her guitar. I got shivers down my spine. Damn she was good. Well, others think so too, including performance artist John Kelly, who has found that he can accurately reproduce Mitchell's vocal technique with his falsetto. He also kinda looks like her in his blonde wig and black beret. (As an aside I mention here that Joni did some pictures for an album once in which she dressed as a black man. Shades of Chic.) Kelly is best known for performance pieces where he has portrayed people like Jean Cocteau and early 20th century painter Egon Schiele. Now he has put together an off-Broadway show called Paved Paradise: The Songs of Joni Mitchell. It's a full two hour concert where he performs all of Joni's hits backed by a bassist dressed as Vincent Van Gogh and a drumming drag Georgia O'Keeffe. How did Kelly get started as Joni? A 1984 performance at Wigstock, the grand drag event that has launched a thousand queens on the path to glory. Well, at least six. Look for a picture of Kelly as Joni in the January issue of Spin. Thanks to Jessica Brandon for giving me the article. (Guess we know how she spends her time.)

One More Legend

Legends don't get much bigger than Marlene Dietrich and I think anyone who puts together a tribute show to her had better be darned good. It seems that James Beaman (who has done tributes to Lauren Bacall in the past) is darned good enough. In a review in the January third issue of Backstage, the "Bistro Bits" column tells us that Beaman not only has Deitrich's look, gestures and voice down pat, but he has also captured the qualities that made her Deitrich. Hard enough for a female actor to do, an amazing accomplishment for a male actress. Beaman did the show at New York's Don't Tell Mama and is going to be there this month. Call the club for dates and show times. I'll see ya there. I'll be dressed as Joni Mitchell.

Final Musings

Anyone catch the Romeo & Juliet flick. It's done in modern dress with English dialogue. One of the scenes is a costume party, and while Romeo and Juliet come in Elizabethan costume, the Mercutio character attends in drag. He does the Queen Maab Speech dressed as a queen. Bold use of drag as a theatrical device award.

Still slogging away at it, somewhat famed drag rock band, Temptress, has decided to stake a claim on the World Wide Web. Check out the site http://members.aol.com/temptress5. Of course it's an AOL sight and we all know that AOL... I won't say it. Back to Temptress. I revealed here, a while back, that they had finally admitted that they enjoyed dressing up. Remember that trampitude thing? The girls are just loaded with it. Wait till you see the names they have chosen, now that they've decided to adopt feminine nom de plumes. Keep rocking girls. One, two, three, four!

Gee, I guess that writer's block must have blown loose. I just filled this column and that's it for this month sweeties. Address your comments and critiques to The Diva . Hasta la vista my little chickens.


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