Finally, one day, you succumbed to that temptation. You bought a hamburger and ate it, and you REALLY liked it! But knowing how your partner felt you didn't tell what you had done, although you continued to sneak out and eat meat. Your consumption increased until finally, one day, the steak on your breath gave you away. The guilt you felt was exceeded only by the betrayal that your partner felt. Swearing to quit, you again stopped eating meat.
As more time passed though, you came to realize that eating meat was a natural part of being a human being and that the cow or pig or chicken was going to be killed anyway, so why shouldn't you have some of that meat. You started occasionally sneaking meat into your diet again, but your spouse was still a strict vegetarian. Finally, having come to terms with your habit and wishing to stop being dishonest about your dietary intake, you unburdened yourself and told everything, concluding with, "If you really love me, you'll understand that I truly need to do this."
Of course, your spouse doesn't
even come close to understanding. Not only did you promise them to stop
eating meat and then broke that promise, but the very fact that you are
consuming the flesh of another animal is totally disgusting and alien to
their way of thinking. Your partner just wants you to go back to being
the person you were when you got married. You, on the other hand, now
feel slighted and hurt because your honesty has not gotten you the
acceptance you deserve. After all, it's not like you want to start
slaughtering livestock in the garage - you just want a little meat in
your diet now and then. You both want something that you feel right in
demanding the other should give you.
In these situations, you have to give in order to be able to receive.
You have to let go of your expectations of being given something and
instead learn to accept your partner's point of view as being just as
valid and meaningful as your own. No, it's not your point of view or
your belief, but it obviously plays a large role in THEIR life. If they
could give you what you want or need under a given set of circumstances,
you have to know that their love for you would prompt them to do that in
a heartbeat. But they obviously cannot give you what you demand from
them, so your job is to accept the fact that they can't and to get on
with your life, both individually and together. Don't demand acceptance
of who you are from others. Instead, accept them as they are -
vegetarian, transgendered, sexually stereotyped, whatever.
And what do
you receive in return for giving up your own demands or expectations?
You get peace of mind and self-acceptance that you can use as the
foundation for finding some common ground. Do not expend your energy on
wrestling something out of you partner. Simply realize that you are two
different, maybe very different, people that hopefully love each other
and have more in common than a point of dissension. Accept that your
partner is NOT always the person you want them to be, and that the
person that they are probably doesn't always like the person that YOU
are. Accept it in an atmosphere of love and move on to more important
things.
Copyright © 1996 Jami Ward