The Image We See In Our Mirror

By Linda Kaye

"Behavior is the mirror in which everyone sees their own image."

Human beings, in general, seem to become quite engrossed with their physical image. I can't think of any single group of people who would be more engrossed than a group of crossdressers. I find a crossdresser's fascination with the outer image to be very normal, yet all the while wishing that they would look inward rather than outward.

As a gender woman, I, too, have had a fascination with my outer image. And the truth is that I have never been happy with what I have seen in the mirror. Our harshest realities hit home when we look in the mirror.

In the years that I have been involved in the gender community (with two transgendered partners) I have learned much about both those who are gifted with a transgendered nature and about myself. I have learned not to judge at first meeting; I have learned not to look only at what one wears or looks like; I have learned that humanity goes far deeper than the skin. And I have learned to genuinely love. Back in the days when I was involved in a Christian denomination, much of the teaching concerned the different types of love. Agape love was pure love, which knew no bounds. The love of the Christ was agape love, and if I must be truthful, I rarely offered such love to anyone, and certainly have known few people who loved in this way.

As I grew older (and hopefully, but not always, wiser,) I interpreted agape love as that of loving unconditionally. I learned that outer appearances meant nothing when you dealt with an unconditional offering of love; instead, one should look into the eyes of another if you are to see the real person who lives within that human vessel. Unconditional love means that you overlook or ignore that which may not fit within the framework of societal influences. Unconditional love is acceptance of that person, and all he or she is.

In the transgendered community, we are so often faced with the visual rather than the inner spirit. The crossdresser, especially, will go to great lengths to produce the outer image he or she wants. What I find most fascinating is my observation of many friends and acquaintances who crossdress or are transgendered in some part, and who select an individual to copy or emulate. Often, I have observed transgendered persons selecting someone they admire, and then setting out to create that person's image upon themselves. I recall two acquaintances who genuinely thought that they closely resembled entertainers Paula Abdul and Cher. When these two transgendered persons looked into the mirror, they saw a vision which they interpreted as Paula Abdul or Cher. Each tried to match Cher's or Paula's hairstyles and make-up, as well as wardrobe. I personally did not think that either of these people even remotely resembled their heroine, but they felt that these two women were their "ideal" and they wanted to be exactly like them. Both are genuine and nice people whom I like. What they wear on the outside, or look like, makes no difference to me whatsoever; instead, I prefer to look inside them and like them for simply being who they are. The sad thing about all of this is that neither feel that the person who lives inside is beautiful enough; they lack self-confidence and self-esteem, and rather than chance letting their inner woman out, they try to take on the physical image of other women, known for their outer beauty and talent.

When I meet a person now, I always look directly into their eyes. I don't care what they are wearing or what they look like. However, outer beauty has always been the ray that attracted others. Think back to high school, and if you were like me, a plain-Jane wallflower, you saw that the "pretty girls" were the most popular; they were the ones selected as cheerleaders, and always the ones who got the good looking guys. I liken my teenage years to the "coming out" of my transgendered friends: Insecurity, fear, depression, hope, frustration and excitement. And, of course, the outer appearance is what triggers all of this, or at least most of it.

Outer beauty is nothing but a brittle image and mindframe, created to pander to our societal concept of perfection. Most of us cannot be what we think we want to be, nor do most of us fit within the framework of society's vision of beauty. True beauty lies within the person; yet, so much is emphasized in outer beauty, that to look within for inner beauty is a rare occurrence. In my mind, this doesn't say much for the society we live in today.

As I write this, I think of my own partner, Vanessa. I have written before that she has taught me much in our brief time together, but perhaps what has influenced me the most, is that she simply is herself. Although she may spend much time working on her outer image, it is the inner person I see when I look at her. She does not try to be anyone else but Vanessa, and she lets her own personality develop naturally. There is no other like her; she is an individual and she allows the inner Vanessa to be released from within. How many of us can do that? She has forced me to open myself up in the relationship; if she is being so open and honest about who she is, how can I hide within myself? I can't, and I have stopped hiding behind the walls I built around myself.

Beauty can be found in many forms: A sensitive nature, poetical thoughts, a caring heart, a hand offered in friendship, unconditional love. These are the true beauties of this world, not what is on the outside. The outside can be spectacular to look at, but if the inside of the person is warped by ego or anger or an uncaring heart, then the outer beauty is tarnished and ruined.

Behavior is the vessel of true beauty. How we act towards others is an expression of behavior, as is how we project ourselves. If we look down on others, if we turn away because they don't meet the "standards" we tend to put on others, if we care only for ourselves, then it is reflected in our behavior. We each have a mirror of life, in which we must look. When we look, who do we see? Do we see physical perfection or do we see physical imperfection? Does it really matter to us? If it does, perhaps it is time to rethink our outlook on life. What is most important to us - is the outer image so important that it overrides who we are inside and how we act? In our community, far too often, we strive too hard to perfect the outer image and thus, ignore the inner person. Far better to strive to reach a balance that will allow us to nurture the outer image, but let the true beauty that lives within shine through, in our behavior, in our opening our hearts to others, in sharing of all we are, inside and out.

Hugs, Linda


Linda Kaye is married to Vanessa Kaye, who also writes for Transgender Forum. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have completed their first book together, entitled:
"Life With Vanessa"
Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into
a loving, caring and positive relationship.





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