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Hope Has A Place

By Linda Kaye

Linda Kaye (formerly Linda Peacock) has long been active in the transgender community. She has been on the board of SPICE, an organization for the significant others of MTF transgenders. She has written extensively on family issues.

"One look at love and you may see it weaves a web over mystery, all raveled threads can rend apart, for hope has a place in the lover's heart....Look to love, you may dream, and if it should leave, then give it wings. But if such a love is meant to be, hope is home and the heart is free."

These lyrics come from "Hope Has A Place," one of the tracks on the haunting and beautiful CD by Enya, entitled, "The Memory of Trees." When you listen to her, you are moved by the music, the sound, but it is not until you read the lyrics to her music that you realize just how beautiful and emotion-stirring they can be.

In thinking about an article on hope, I found these words to be especially inspiring. In all lover's hearts, there is hope...but there is not always freedom. Hope is an emotion that is always with us; yet, we often ignore it, or abandon it, in our search for ultimate happiness. We may well reach a point where we feel all is hopeless, be it in our search for true love and happiness, or having found it (or thinking we have,) discovering that what we have found may not be what we were looking for.

My partner, Vanessa, has rapidly come to know what I like and don't like, and since our tastes are so similar, she has an uncanny knack of picking things out, such as movies, that I like. One such movie, which she especially picked for me to see was "The Cemetery Club." "It just looks like a movie you'll love, Linda," she told me. Well, once again, she knew me so well, for I found the story absolutely enchanting, as well as inspiring.

Basically, the movie is about three Jewish women, all in their late 50's or early 60's, who are best friends, and as each loses her husband, they draw closer together as friends. The title, "The Cemetery Club," comes from the fact that following the death of the last husband, all three women make a weekly pilgrimage to the cemetery to visit the graves of their late husbands. It is during one of the visits that one of the wives revolts and states that she is tired, after 4 years of visiting her husband's grave, and she wants to get out and meet people and have fun. Interspersed throughout the story is a sub-plot in which a fourth friend continues to meet and marry rich men.

The story is very moving, often funny and always emotional. And it has a powerful message.

I have often written about the importance of women learning to like themselves, to accept themselves as they are and to recognize the beauty that lives within them. Some of my writing has dealt with the natural aging of a woman. Society is so hung up on the beauty of youth, that it loses sight of the fact that a woman's beauty continues throughout her life and is not limited to any one period. When I saw "The Cemetery Club," I couldn't help but think of my own aging process and how I feel about it. In the movie, one of the widows goes out with a widower she met first at the cemetery, an ex-cop, now taxi driver. The relationship develops and eventually, they become intimate. Unfortunately, just as the woman is finding out that she is a desirable, beautiful woman, her lover cannot deal with the affair and hurts her. The rest of the movie pretty much deals with her growth, not only out of the grieving for her husband, but the grief she feels after being rejected by her lover. There's is a lot more involved in this movie, but the message is that no matter how old a woman is, no matter what her past, no matter that she be widowed, divorced, never married, she holds within her great beauty, great intelligence and great ability to challenge and change the world.

The past year has been one of great change in my life. I have to admit to having put myself behind walls of vulnerability for sometime, and in doing so, hid myself from the relationship I was in, as well as from myself. I was a very good actress, for I was perceived as a woman content in her relationship, easy with the transgendered mode of my partner, and an active and popular leader in the gender community.

No one saw behind those walls, until Vanessa did. And when she did, I resisted, not only her, but myself. When one is unhappy in a relationship or a job or any life situation, you can learn to live with it, make excuses for yourself and for others, and continue to live in an oblivious state. That is, oblivious until late at night, when you lie awake, aware of your misery, trying to make excuses to yourself for staying or for leaving. It is a wonderment how easily we can lie to ourselves, and by doing so, we convince ourselves that things will work out. And when we do that, we can easily convince others.

A woman must face her aging process; it is something she cannot hide from. In admitting that she is getting older, and saying that it is okay, she is allowing her beauty to continue. It is when she denies her aging process and does all she can to avoid it that she tends to lose her inner beauty and become a shell, which can be manipulated and maneuvered to create an image of youthfulness.

Perhaps I am one of those women who reach a certain age and see the handwriting on the wall. I allowed as though I was content when I really wasn't. I allowed as though I expected nothing more in life than what I had - unhappiness, hidden behind a happy facade. I could have gone years and years. However, someone from a great distance saw through the facade and the walls and by approaching me, gave me the option to find something I thought could never be. The choice was mine, and I chose to take it.

In choosing to take this chance, I had to leave one transgendered relationship and begin another. What was especially apparent to me was that in making a choice to leave, I was allowing my walls to come down. In doing so, I was especially vulnerable and I had to trust my new partner totally.

A woman is not the delicate creature that men would like us to be, or think we are. We are actually strong individuals with great capabilities. We hold within us great power - the power of womanhood and humanity. To deny such power is a slap to our inner worth. We are not subservient, second class citizens - we are women, we are strong and we are beautiful. Our beauty comes from within us, rather than from without; perhaps in the transgender community, our transgendered sisters may not be able to see this, for they often perceive beauty as an outward thing. Yet womanhood, and femininity are very personal, inner expressions, and I would suggest that it is a rarity for any man to understand this. It certainly is difficult for many of our crossdressing partners, for once again, they perceive feminine beauty as an outward thing, rather than inward. My own partner relishes her outward appearance, but she seems to understand the inner woman better than many of the crossdressing friends I have. She delights in the outer, yet, her expression of femininity comes from within.

Perhaps what I am trying to say in all of this is that, as a woman, you should give yourself the credit of being strong enough to make difficult decisions. You should recognize your own strengths and abilities, and what is most important, utilize these gifts. And you should recognize your own inner beauty and never, ever let anyone tell you differently. Your beauty will travel many paths through life, and always, you will be older. That your body may thicken, or your face and neck begin to show wrinkles is part of a natural process, a natural progression though life. You are no less beautiful, only different. Age has no bearing on your intelligence; in fact, I would hope that your intelligence has actually increased, not withstanding your common sense. Your hair will turn silver; rather than cover it up in an attempt to recapture lost youth, relish the beauty of silver strands and enjoy them.

I am blessed with a partner who purposely sought out a woman who is aging. My partner saw beneath the surface, saw the walls and gave me the opportunity to let them come down and to open up the chance to seek happiness I thought long gone in my life. My partner gave me back youth of heart and spirit; this is our inner youth that never ages - it is simply lost to us until we take time to find it. In having that youth of heart and spirit, I see myself differently and I act differently. I can accept and relish myself again. I see myself as someone progressing through life, someone who is loved and cherished, and one who can once again love, and know that this love will be accepted, no matter my stage of life. What more can a woman ask?


Linda Kaye is married to Vanessa Kaye, who also writes for Transgender Forum. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

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