By Susan
edited by Cynthia Smith



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I am a 39 year old M2F transgender woman. I live just outside London, England and will soon be celebrating my "one year on" from having had my bilateral orchidectomy in November '95. Full surgery hopefully within a year or two. I changed my name by 'deed poll' the day after my orchidectomy and all my official things have now been changed to my new name and female status, including my social security registration, driver's license, medical number, and passport.

On an encouraging note and no doubt from all the efforts of the many people before me I am happy to report that I have had not a single problem in any of my dealings with the various UK government agencies. No queries or "extra" questions or anything at all. Some forms to fill in, but no hassles at all. I changed my social security details first; once I had my name changed legally - previously I was registered with an official alias. Everyone was very helpful at the local social security office, and made a special point of ensuring privacy in my dealings with them. Then I changed my drivers license with an accompanying letter from my psychiatrist. Then my passport, again with a letter and a copy of my deed poll.

I have had long hair (usually in a ponytail) for the last eight years (bar one time when I let myself be persuaded to have it cut short - the trauma; never, never again !!! ). I use 'DermaBlend' when necessary for my face to cover the rash following my electro sessions, otherwise little make-up. Some lip colour and occasionally eye shadow is about all I use normally when I go out. I do however keep my nails varnished most of the time in a light peach "Candy Floss" which adds a shine rather than a strong colour. Generally I aim to understate.

I have had the feeling of being the wrong gender all my life. My earliest recollections as a child of between 2 and 3 years is of cross-dressing ( my mother found me out one time when giving me a bath, I was wearing the 'wrong' underclothes! I don't remember any censure at the time as I was too young to be of concern; that came later!)

My father (American) and mother parted when I was 18 months old. It was apparently very traumatic. She was 19 and he 21 when they met in Vienna, Austria where she went to study music. My mother's pregnancy was a complete disaster as far as her parents were concerned. She came back to England (second trimester stress?) and my parent's were married soon after. Difficult for my father in a foreign country with an unfamiliar social structure and being pressurized to take a "proper" job, like in a bank. Quite at odds with his artistic temperament. When it didn't work and the legal people got involved my father was told that he must never try to find me or attempt any form of contact with me. That I would be adopted and would never know him as my father. However I did know, and often wondered about him. I even tried a few times to find out more, but I had very little information and no form of contact addresses to follow up. However, the best possible news is that I have found my father this summer via the People Search web page (*smile*).

I have cross dressed throughout my life, particularly when I was old enough, to wear my mother's or grandmother's clothes with some semblance of them fitting. I remember at my grandmother's, coming down the stairs having put on an evening gown to confront mother and Gran who had just come in from shopping. The abject horror from them caused me to flee back upstairs in a state of great panic, and to determine never to try the subject again with them. (In hindsight I probably should have tried to be a bit more subtle, but at 12 one doesn't always think of these things).

At prep school, as a termly boarder, I would only apply for the female roles for the school plays (which I never got!). I also hated sports; football, rugby, boxing (which really terrified me) and cricket (which petrified me every time the ball came near). (I could cope with tennis and badminton though.) I used to help on the school farm instead, bringing in the cows, helping with milking, mucking out the stalls; much more constructive I thought. I recently visited the school with my father and we were warmly welcomed. Going back there as a female wearing a dress was a interesting experience !!!

At public school (only about thirty pupils so nothing grand, just somewhere where families or local councils could send us to be out of their hair) I continued to feel disjointed, with little in common with the other boys. My puberty was also causing me great distress. I longed for breasts, instead my voice deepened and other things happened! I crossed-dressed privately both at school and at home. I had no real friends to talk to (I am not trying to be self-pitying, but that was how it was at the time).

I have thrown away my wardrobe three times (know the feeling?) and tried hard to suppress my femme side several times for a good number of years. This has proven destructive as I just closed off the feeling, emotional aspects of myself, and became very unbalanced as a person. This was not helped by my doctor prescribing me anti-depressants, which really blew me away. In making my decision I had to finally confront my personal demons and find a lasting solution, which I have finally done. I had got to the stage where I felt that if I don't go for transition now, I might never have the courage and be torn for the rest of my life.

I have been married (for seven years) but it ended over five years ago as she couldn't cope with my 'other side' . I didn't dress in front of her, but she found some of my clothes when looking through boxes in my study (I was mostly working from home at the time) and after a while it all became too much for her. I have a daughter of eleven, who I have seen with some, but not enough, frequency these last years. I have felt really guilty about her as I have not been there for her as she grows up. Although I try to dress in a somewhat "male" fashion when I visit, she now knows about Susan and I am ever so proud of her. Also I am beginning to have a problem "passing" as a male, 18 months of HRT does have an effect !!! We are closer now that I no longer have to try to hide a part of me away.

I go out sometimes in a skirt and blouse, other times in jeans or lose sports style bottoms with a black top and a jacket. During the summer I wore a long button through viscose dress, often without a bra, and a jacket if it was cooler. When I wish to look smart, like for interviews and things, I wear a blue trouser suit with a red silk blouse. I frequently wear a wonder bra ('A' cup) for that little something extra !!! ( Amazing thing, every girl should have at least one, and it just about works for me without any extra padding! )

Males are less easy to get on with in casual day to day contact, probably feel threatened, and I try to avoid this if possible. They sometimes try a put-down "Mr..,etc" denying my gender - I have always really hated being called Mr. or Sir. ( I really think there should be a non-gender address, like comrade. ) However as time progresses this does seem to be happening with less frequency as I live my new life with greater confidence.

I am neutral about my sexual orientation at the moment. I have had enough problems coping with my own gender to complicate it with external physical relationships. Maybe once I have had the full operation, I may be open to some form of relationship with a male. Currently I am so disgusted with the extremes of male (testosterone) aggressive behaviour; murder, rape, assault, war, genocide and abuse that I find it difficult to trust males as a species.

I am also Dyslexic. Is there any known link between gender dysphoria and dyslexia? The brain is supposed to be wired differently for dyslexic, and from my own research (i.e. reading) it would appear to be more akin to how the female brain functions, with greater connectivity between the two halves. Any ideas, perhaps a secondary topic for the BBS one week?

love and best wishes
Susan P..



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