"But, it doesn't always work out that way"




Thought Trans-mission

Melody Griffiths


This column is designed to be about thoughts, feelings, and events a young transsexual goes through in her quest to discover who she is, and become who she wants to be -- both serious and humorous. The viewpoints expressed in this column may be inflammatory, and as such are not to be considered the opinions of the editors or owners of Transgender Forum -- solely the author of the column, Melody Griffiths. Comments on this column may be sent to the address posted at the end.
Usually, this column is going to be about the humorous and ludicrous side of a young transsexuals transition, but I'm going to break tradition and run a different angle than my first column. I'm going to be a bit serious (*gasp*) here... beware! :)

So, you're "out" are you...?

You've come out to all your friends and family as being transsexual, started hormones, and are planning your transition to living full-time. You've left the closet far behind -- or have you...?

If there's one thing I've found transsexuals to be very hard nosed and set upon alot of the time, it's their sexuality. We seem to fall into two catagories -- either we're trying to be "perfect little transies", and be heterosexual to satisfy our therapists and gender clinics, or we're confirmed "lesbians" -- to keep our wives/female SO's from being paranoid we've gone "gay".

But, it doesn't always work out that way. Hormone replacement therapy can "unlock" feelings that we had for our SGS (Same Genetic Sex), and that our attraction to our OGS (Opposite Genetic Sex) was more of an associative thing -- a coveting of what we felt we couldn't have, what we couldn't be. Or, as we explore ourselves more, we find we really like women when we tried to like men -- to be a "normal" girl.

When we discover our orientation isn't what we think it can be, it can be a very scary thing. Why is it we can risk declaring ourselves to the world as something the world thinks is strange, wierd, and generally far-out, but we can't accept a sexuality in ourselves which may be conflicting to the image we've tried to present?

Are we scared people will think we're gay? Or, on the opposite, that being a "transsexual lesbian" we're going to be laughed out of society as over-sexed people just looking for another kick?

Sexuality is a very major part of transsexuality which is often ignored, perhaps because it is so sensitive. But is it fair to ourselves to go through all of the work of transition, all the painful changes, the loss and fear, to feel alone and unsatisfied sexually simply to comply to what we feel the world around us expects...?

Recently, I've developed an interesting viewpoint on the subject.

I'm in love with my roomate, and she's in love with me.

My roomate is a 28 year old pre-op transsexual.

But, I'm straight, right? What's going on here...? I don't feel attraction in *that* way to genetic women, why would I feel this way towards another transsexual...? Wierd?

Uh, yeah. We don't know "how" or "why" it happened -- but it did. We're happy about it, although still a bit uncertain... it was definitely unexpected. Two TS's loving each other...? Like, intimately... like... what?

Like, just what the hell are you supposed to do in bed anyway...? (I'll leave that one alone, but it is certainly an interesting issue... :)

Being a "confirmed" heterosexual - swearing up and down "I like men! I don't want women!" - even though I knew this attraction was here for some time, I think perhaps more it was a cry of "I want to be normal!" But what is normal?

Isn't normal just acting on the feelings you may have for another person? I mean, from a societarial viewpoint, I'm in a really wierd situation now -- although I know not unprecedented in the transsexual community -- but two pre-op transsexuals having a relationship with each other...?

Just what does one call that anyhow? How about love...?

I refuse to live in a closet when I've gone through so much work to get out of one. So, I won't. But it's certainly going to make my life more difficult -- then again, I'm a transsexual. How much more difficult can it make it...?

Unfortunately, it can. My family and friends are fairly liberal, and this will not come as too big of a shock to them -- I have very mixed associates. What of my SO, though? It was hard enough for her to get her family to accept that she was transsexual, let alone a lesbian one in love with one of her own kind.

Sexuality *is* a big issue, isn't it... but we try to distance ourselves from it -- as if it's not a part of our transsexuality. But it is, for our sexuality is not only forged and shaped not only by our percieved gender identity, but by our transsexuality itself -- the viewpoints and experiences we've recieved as a result of being transsexual.

Am I in love with my roomate because she's transsexual? No. But, I am in love with a person who has transsexuality as in an inherent part of themselves. And this makes her more attractive to me as someone who understands -- who I can care for and who can care for me.

This doesn't just apply to my situation either. When a man falls in love with a transsexual, frequently the transsexuality is a major part of their reasoning -- the combined masculinity and femininity appeal to them. Or, when a woman falls in love with a transsexual, it may be because they have a femininity within them that the woman finds attractive -- and disarming. When a transsexual falls in love with a man, they may be trying to overpower their own masculinity with anothers in order to draw out and amplify their femininity -- or opposingly, a transsexual may have a relationship with a woman hoping the woman will act like a feminine "magnet", and pull the femininity out of them.

And all of this has much to do with our transsexuality.

But, because our community tries to distance itself from the "sexual minorities" in an effort to make our lives seem "more legitimate", alot of people still sit in the closet even when they think they're out of it. Is this right...?

I am a transsexual bisexual/lesbian (Still working on figuring that out,) and YES, the transsexual part has MUCH to do with it. And, now that I've come to accept that, I truly feel like I am out of the closet.

Are you...?


Melody Griffiths is a 21 year-old pre-op transsexual living full-time in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. She is a musician, a keyboardist and composer who loves cats, kids, flowers, and art of all forms. She can be mailed at: ua770@freenet.victoria.bc.ca

Lazarus always thought Andy Libby was a little funny, but at
least she was finally happy now...
(Ref: The Number of the Beast, Robert A. Heinlein.)

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