Is it Something To See Or To Feel?

By Leslee Anthony
© Transgender Forum

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, style is defined as, among other things,

"the way or manner in which something is said or done", or "individuality expressed in one's actions and tastes", or "elegance" or "the current fashion".

What no dictionary that I could find said was how an individual interprets any one or all of those acceptable terms. So, lacking any really qualified or knowledgeable explanation, I will go where even the educated fear to tread and assign my own interpretation. Being individuals we will each have our own version or interpretation of style; this is mine.

A recent article in TGF discussed passing as a personal and internal attitude, and so, too, is one's style. One must have a feminine style to pass. Then there was another article in a different publication titled "A Personal Style". One quote from that article says it quite well,

"Think about people you know... You know the expressions of their faces, their voices, way they react, how they come on, the way they walk. You know these things because they express how these people really are. They are personal styles in life..."
And that from a professional photographic publication, Photo Techniques, discussing artistic styles. Interesting parallel.

So, style is who and what we are. Now all we need to do is find an acceptable, passing way of expressing it.

It seems we of the transgender world are constantly struggling to find an acceptable image and personal style. We do things we think are feminine and stylish, then turn to those within our own community for approval. I am not convinced that peer approval is all that it is cracked up to be. It's sort of like asking a Bishop to comment on the Pope, or asking a physician to comment on the American Medical Association. One can usually anticipate the nature of the response. We often sacrifice reality in our quest for approval.

What that has to do with style is quite simple. We tend to express our individuality, or have a manner, or exhibit our tastes so that our transgender peers will approve and in so doing we think that we ourselves have achieved a classic "style." So here we have a 6-foot-plus overweight behemoth wearing a miniskirt, 5-inch heels and getting nodding approval from a group that is so politically correct we make regular same party politicians seem radical. The truth is all too difficult lest we have to face our own truth. And to add to the comedy, we are seeking external style approval from those who themselves are not sure what is happening.

It sort of reminds me of the story of the fisherman, who goeth forth in the early morning full of hope, yet returnth late at night smelling strong of drink and the truth is not in him. We get dressed, go find another who is dressed and ask, "How do I look?" Now really, what answer would you expect? The truth is not in him or you probably. Once I was asked by an older TV if I thought that her new wig made her look 10 years younger. The truth was not in me, or her, she looked like an older man with a young wig, but I said something to the effect it was a very attractive wig and tried to avoid a direct answer. I got away with it. And in one sense, shame on me. I did not feel the responsibility of being the one to tell her to face the facts; she had to do that herself.

Therein lies the crux of style. There is an inner style and an external style. Or, what we want to be and what we appear to be. You decide! When these two match, you are comfortable. Sooner or later we must accept the reality of our age, size, attitude and forget our fantasies.

I often wonder who we, the transgender community, are trying to please and impress. Ourselves? Our peers? The public? Who? Most often we settle for our peer approval and lose sight of our individuality and passing.

The classic, much overused, and usually incorrect attitude of not criticizing one's own group leads inevitably to rejection by the very people we should be asking for approval and acceptance -- the general public. If we see ourselves as glamorous, chic, passing females at the exclusion of public and societal opinion (or style), then we are doing ourselves a giant disservice. We may have a style that cries rejection. And it gets those unseen and unheard criticisms. In short, individuality is wonderful, but not at the expense of ridicule, rejection and the embarrassment of a pointless "read."

As distasteful as it may seem, we must accept style on terms presented by others outside our community while we express our individuality by the very fact that we elect to cross gender "barriers" in the first place. By a male presenting himself as a female and vice-versa, that is quite individual.

Of course this all does not apply if one limits one's personal goal to intra-community activities and peer group approval, or the goal is to see how much attention one can attract. But, if one's goal is in fact, public femininity, as defined by those who must accept us, then we must operate on their terms. We are dealing then with several styles, a TG community style, a public style, a personal style, and our fantasy style.

But earlier I mentioned an inner style and an external style, and now I come up with a TG community style and a public one. Good grief, woman, make up your mind! How many styles are there? Several! If there was only a single style then we would all think and look alike and that, my Dears, at least in my opinion, would be a gigantic disaster.

The current buzz phrase is "reality check" often accompanied by "get real." Meaning, take a harsh look at yourself and your inner-style and let that guide your fashion image. Get real in the sense of getting away from trying to look like someone you are not and never will be. Make the most of what you have and create an inner-style that reflects you; not what others expect of you.

But keep that public image in mind too. Without revealing any personal secrets, I am probably old enough to be your Grandmother, or at least your Mother for sure. And there is my reality check. Even with a trim figure, my inner style admits that my public style must reflect my comfort zone as a stylish, chic sophisticated and mature (older) woman. I could be glamorous, but probably not pull off a miniskirt look, even on Halloween. As a result, I am comfortable in any setting, receive more than my share of compliments and many of those for my very passing public style. And, frankly, I am often embarrassed when I am seen with someone whose style is strictly internal and maybe just a TG community style. It might get raves at a group meeting but then everything gets raves at a group meeting.

So, let's deal with reality and look at style in a slightly different light, a cruel harsh light called reality. In some ways style reality is not what I, or we in the TG community, perceive it to be, but rather it is what society says it is. Which opens up the possibility of two more realities, ours and theirs. (Not to mention internal and external styles) Ours being the transgender community's and theirs being everybody else's. We must deal with theirs exclusively since we are attempting to live in their world, not they in ours, unless, as I have already allowed, your goal is to live strictly within group meetings and occasional adventures to a TG accepting club. Even so, the most accepted practice is to "pass" and that is most definitely decided by their society. Ergo, we must accept and abide by their styles, rules and conventions, unfortunately.

For the most part, public style is conservative. Glamour has a place, but not on a male dressed as a female and wandering around in public. Style and passing therefore become matters of conforming within their societies' rules. And there is where, besides two societies there are two style definitions; the dictionary ones, as quoted above and an unwritten one which I am about to give you. But first...

I have said it before, and I feel that it bears repeating, virtually anyone can, with enough time and money and determination, achieve an exterior appearance approaching that of a female, but very few really achieve the inner feeling and senses that make real femininity. They have no sense of style, personal style, or femininity comfort level. They are, in effect, actors playing a role, and rather poorly I might add.

Some achieve that enviable feminine style goal easily. For some it takes years. But for most it is an endless struggle under the delusion that appearance is enough and they never get fully accepted. They do not project an inner feminine style.

Perhaps the transgender community should have it's own definition of style. One that reads something like this, "Style is that inner sense of confidence, peace and sensitivity that allows us to project femininity in our lives," or "a feeling of female presence that emits the delicate essence of femininity." No doubt you noticed the lack of any reference to exterior appearance since it is not the clothes that make the Lady but the feeling. You have all seen women dressed in jeans, sloppy sweater and sneakers who ooze femininity.

This inner style leads us through our external style of shopping, cosmetics and actions. If we seek to appear to be the female that our inner male side finds desirable, then usually the selected style is more fad fashion than stylish. Other than the lounge circuit, I seldom see tall women in miniskirts, heels and extra long nails. On the other hand, if our inner style is as feminine as we really feel then the external style will inevitably be more conservative. We understand and appreciate the public style. Prostitutes want to attract attention, ladies do not. Many transgender persons thrive on attention, even trashy, unwanted attention. I wonder if it isn't making up for what they lack as males.

Perhaps a few examples of feminine style will help make the point clearer. Verifying these examples is simple; merely be observant. But even so, to emulate these examples it must come from within. Although practice can help ease the agony of a careless move, there is NO substitute for a natural inner style.

A proper Lady will always determine the proper (public) dress mode before getting ready to go out, be it shopping, the Post Office, a movie, or a dinner date. She will never deliberately over-dress and will usually prefer to be "in style" rather than attract attention. She tailors her inner style to meet public acceptance, and that is a real female not an imitation. We who pretend to be feminine, tend to do the exact opposite. Our hair is too neat, the dress mode over done, too much make-up and, you can bet your corset on these last two, too much jewelry and too much perfume. Get Real! Get style! Get public.

Consider the feminine style of driving a car. A woman seldom takes her eyes off the road, most often keeps both hands on the wheel and at a stop sign or light, looks straight ahead, maybe a slight side glance but that is all. A man on the other hand has a ball bearing neck, a sloppy, casual way of steering and a tendency to want to see what the other drivers are doing or look like. Watch a man driving and you will see, especially at a stop light, how he checks out the driver next to him. Women do not do that! A man may sometimes lay an arm across the passenger seat back. A woman, never!

How about pushing a shopping cart? A male has a purpose; buy and get out of there and it shows by his seeming hurry to get it over with. He will push straight ahead, stop quickly, grab an item and take off. A definite masculine style. A female sort of wanders, reads labels, shops, and almost savors the experience of pushing her cart. It is here that he stares straight ahead and she has the ball bearing neck. An odd sort of role reversal from driving a car. Maybe it depends upon what they are driving, car versus cart. (One little "t")

Next we have the cocktail style. Men gulp, ladies sip, usually with a straw. I will bet you a new lip stick that we have all seen a beautifully dressed, totally passable appearing friend spoil it all by gulping a beer from a bottle, or a scotch and water in a few big swigs. That is most definitely not a feminine style. He has a female appearance but a masculine style. Not good, not good at all if public acceptance is at stake. Also, notice that a well dressed female in a nice club or restaurant will rarely order a beer, a man will. Ladies reserve their beer orders, usually in a glass, for the casual times, if they order it at all.

How about checking out the nails? Ladies will look at their nails by extending their hand out flat, palm down, fingers separated so they can see the entire hand and view their nails as a total fashion and style statement. A man will hold his hand palm up, fingers curled almost into a loose sort of fist so he can see the nails without regard to their attachment to the hand or as a style statement.

There are lots of other examples but I think you get the point, if your inner style is not feminine then your actions and appearance most probably will not be either. One must decide between being feminine and appearing feminine. Then, one must decide which society to please, the TG one or the public one. Please the public one and the other one will be envious. Feel feminine, have a feminine inner style and achieve an accepted public external style as well and you will be a living, walking, talking role model for lots of people.

Looking back at the dictionary definitions I can see that they really are quite accurate. "The way or manner in which something is said or done," "individuality expressed in one's actions and tastes." Yes, of course, all quite true, if, and this is big, major league, Olympic sized "if," we feel our femininity inside and that is the basis on which we project our style outside. Let your inner style, a reality style, control your external public style and chances are the current fashion you decide to wear will be perfect. And everybody will smile: you; the public; and your support group friends.


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