By Angela Gardner
As the falling leaves drift past my window and gather on my shoulders I give Autumn a glad shout of encouragement for soon TG events will abound and no one will need worry that their makeup will melt into their cleavage. It's also wonderful to not have to shave your legs for every outing. The self tan cream was putting me in the poorhouse. The good stuff ain't cheap and the cheap stuff makes you look like a carrot. A fine vegetable, the carrot, but not something you'd want to impersonate.
Speaking of impersonation, our high holy day, Halloween, is coming neigh and our thoughts turn to costumes and such. What will the Diva wear this year? As little as possible. (On no, more shaving!) That's the only way to make a real statement anymore, and what a challenge it is when you don't have quite the proper anatomy for pasties and a thong. Details in October kittens. But now...
Kalina Isato is the undisputed Queen of the clubs and an exquisite beauty to boot, but she was wrong about the title of the movie in which Jackie Chan dons a lady's suit. She told me it was Streetfighter, but I got the correct information from a kind human named Dov Sherman. Dov says that in the film CItyhunter Jackie and the bad guys bump into a Street Fighter video game machine ( Ah ha! The Street Fighter connection) while they are committing mayhem on one another. Some magic ensues and they are all transformed into characters from the game. Jackie spends a short time as Chun-Li, the female martial arts character from the game. He even closes the fight with her trademark school girlish victory cry while jumping up and down in glee. She does that when she successfully kicks bad guy butt with her lethal pumps. Dov reports that it isn't a long time for Jackie in drag but it's worth the trip to the video store. While you're there...
The 1993 film in which George "I gonna be Batman" Clooney played a "lip synching transvestite." (Harvey Fierstein is in the film too but it appears he plays a guy.) Miss Rachel from Oklahoma cued me into it and I'm grateful. I don't know how I missed it back in '93. I must have had a manicure scheduled when it opened &endash;and closed. I don't think it did what we in the biz call "big box office." Rachel said it's called The Harvest but I can't tell you any more. While browsing the Internet Movie Database to dig out all the details for my sweet and lovable readers Netscape locked up and I had to restart. My entire column disappeared in a cloud of electrons. Not even Unerase could help. (Don't you dare say "save often.") Oh, the prose you will never know. So start moving that mouse, as soon as you've finished reading everything in Transgender Forum and, my column twice, point your own browser to the Movie Database if you want more details on The Harvest. I am, as the urban girls say, over it.
Rachel asked if George and I had ever met. No hon. I was only near George when I wasing working as just an extra&endash;way, way in the background on his latest film, with Michelle Pieffer, that's slated to come out soon, One Fine Day. You won't actually see me. We shot in Central Park and I was far in the back, behind a tree, dressed as a man. (Best place for that sort of thing.) Look for the Diva in Stonewall. I'm much more visible there.
Dave Foley, the Kid In The Hall who stars in News Radio is starring in a new film with David Higgins from Ellen (hey, she's gonna be a lesbian this season! Now there's a new idea.) and Jennifer Tilly from Bullets Over Broadway. While David and the KITH fellas have a tendency to slip into dresses, a lot, this time there's another transgender element at work.
The film is called The Wrong Guy and it's directed by David Steinberg, a wonderful comedian and director who has been around for years. In an interview with Tom Snyder, Steinberg talked about how he noticed something odd about one of the actresses he auditioned. He thought she was a little large in the shoulders and her hands were on the big side, too. He gave her the part. Later, after the film started shooting, David Foley said, "I see you've cast Eleanor. Pretty bold move, " or something of that general nature. Steinberg asked why that was a bold move and Foley said Eleanor used to be a man. (Now how did he know that?) Well, not only did Steinberg cast her, he said she did a great job.
Of course he did make a couple of questionable little jokes about her gender status during the Snyder interview but you know how insecure these men can get. He got his yucks and Eleanor will get residual checks. Way to go Eleanor.
I'd give you more information on the film, which is being released in the States by Hollywood Films and internationally by HandMade Films, but I'm not starting that browser again till this column is converted to HTML and saved on the hard drive.
You know how life is filled with all these coincidences sometimes? It's called synchronicity and it's a lovely name for the phenomena, and that Sting album. Anyhow, I was stumbling through the Net last month trying to find out about Wigstock or the outlaw drag event, Dragapalooza, and I found the promoter of the latter event's website http://www.hedda.com/, home of NYC drag babe Hedda Lettuce. She's a Gen X DQ. I hate her: in her twenties and beautiful. (Her site makes my browser lock up, too. It may be time to buy a registered copy of Netscape.) Well, I never made it to Dragapalooza since my bed was too comfortable and the idea of getting up early to shave and get made up, then endure an hour and a half drive to NYC in a gaff, was not that enticing (ain't it awful when a queen get's old) but I did manage to read part of an interview with Ms.Lettuce.
OK, get close to your monitor, this is where the spooky synchronicity comes in. It seems that (according to Miss lettuce) Jimmy James famous female impersonator and Jahna Steele, transsexual model and performer, went to the same high school in Texas, and... Hedda's uncle (who is not a queen as far as I know) also graduated from that school. Could it be something in the water? Cue the Twilight Zone music and fade to...
Gary Bowen, author of Diary of a Vampire, which has been nominated for the Bram Stoker Award given by the Horror Writers Association, was denied permission to participate as a panelist at Balticon 96, Maryland's annual science fiction convention. Why you ask? Somehow, I knew you would. Bowen had participated in Balticon in previous years but "informed sources" (I love that kind of talk) stated that when the convention chair discovered Bowen was a female to male transsexual she blocked his participation saying, "He's too weird," and "I don't want to have to deal with him."
Now I may just be a silly old Diva but isn't the concept of a science fiction fan in charge of a convention of science fiction fans being that uptight over a TS a bit bizarre? I mean, if science fiction fans can't be tolerant of difference, hell, downright strangeness, what are we supposed to do? The body switching and gender changing in the genre has brought me hours of reading pleasure. (Stranger In A Strange Land played a role in my first sexual pleasure, but that's another story. Thank you Mister Heinlein.) Have you ever read a Jack Chalker book? He's got one where the bad guys end up as female strippers in Las Vegas. (The Identity Matrix, I think.) I guess the convention chair is probably one of those fans of romantic sword and sorcery stuff where the hero doesn't grow breasts and the heroine waits in her tower to be rescued, and definitely doesn't do any transforming into a hero to save herself.
Anyhow, I talked to Gary and he said he's pretty sure he'll be back on the convention scene in the future, as soon as his arch nemesis has her evil schemes thwarted by some transgendered heroes, who may happen to be gender changers. If that doesn't happen I'd give the old Wizard of Oz bucket of water approach a try. It usually works with creatures of her ilk. (Oh boy, I used the word "ilk.")
Here's one I hate to mention, but it's so dumb I just gotta tell ya. A 55 year old elementary school principal was arrested in drag on prostitution charges. I'm not giving out the poor guy's name (it's already been in the papers and online for all to see) and I won't even tell you where it is, but I feel I have to mention the incident (talk about a High Incidence) cause it's something you should do your very best to avoid.
If it were a Perry Mason novel it would be called The Case of the Unprincipled Principal. Since it's real life we'll call it stupid. I can only guess he was caught up in the glamour of street walking. Come on girls, admit it, you've all thought about what it might be like to do that hooker fantasy. That's fine if that's all it is; a fantasy. To actually head out to the red light district is another story. It's bad enough doing that kind of work when you have to do it to survive. To do it for kicks when you have a good job, working with children and are established as a pillar of the community is just plain nuts. See how carried away (dare I say obsessed) you can get when fantasy starts to creep into your reality? It wouldn't surprise me to learn that this guy hadn't had all that much experience with crossdressing, and I'll bet he wasn't attending any transgender group meetings. I've found that fantasy can seem better and better the less reality you have to balance it out. Someone at a support group would have talked some sense into him.
Anyhow, it's a good thing he got arrested. If it hadn't been a cop instead of a regular john, the female hooker he was arrested with would have probably made some painful modifications to his anatomy. He had just offered to undercut her price for sexual favors. He can pay the $550 fine and maybe he'll be able to move to another town, change his name and get a principal job again, but messing with a hooker's livelihood is likely to take you places you don't want to go. OK now, as they used to say on Hill Street Blues, "Let's be careful out there."
Jessica Brandon reports that she-who-is-to-be-worshipped will begin hosting her own weekly talk show on VH1. No, not Bette Midler. I'm talking about RuPaul. The show debuts on October 12th so check your schedule for the time and tune in.
Jessica also informed me there is a 1997 RuPaul Calendar on the market. I guess that'll have to do till we get the Diva of Dish Calendars done.
And that's it senoritas. I'll see you next month. Remember, I can't possibly dig up all the dish so help me out and if you find some send it to angela@ren.org so I can actually manage to write another column. Big kiss!