The peach silk nightgown softly slid along a smooth shapely leg. My gaze wandered along the body on the bed to that classic nose. A love rush swept me as her soft sighs told she was still asleep....
My husband. We met when we were both teenagers, took our marriage vows on the cusp of twenty, and retain a loving and fairly rare relationship; we both still LIKE one another as an individual person, as well as LOVE each other as an intimate mate. Now married for 22 years, I had no knowledge of his "en femme" side until April, 1996. Only 7 months ago....
"Quietly masculine" or "lumberjack type" would be fairly accurate descriptions of my man as he would be described by friends, family, and myself last year. I had noticed mood swings accelerating in the last year or so, but had put it down to the constant stress we're under from finances, teenagers (Help!), ailing and ageing parents, lack of job security, and the "40's male menopause". The kids had questioned me a few times on these moods swings, as they had never seen Dad "space out" on them like he was now, more and more often. As wives/mothers always do so well, I calmed the troubled waters, and life trundled on as usual....
My father passed away unexpectedly and devastatingly 3 years ago. Without becoming morbid, I'll just mention that I became a patient of the Head Psychiatrist of a local Hospital two weeks after I finally agreed to see our family doctor about my inability to handle the death of my father. In April 1996 my husband told me that he needed to see my psychiatrist, and fast. I wanted to know why, naturally, but he would only say that he needed to talk to the doctor first before he felt he could discuss anything with me. I made the appointment for him, but one day he seemed very agitated and down. I suggested we go for a walk as I wanted to talk to him....
A faint cool breeze lifted our hair as we strolled along the path. I told him that I had noticed he wasn't happy lately, and I wanted to know why he wanted to see the psych. and what the trouble was. It took a little gentle prodding, then suddenly the dam burst I was told the truth that lay behind the eyes of the man I had known since I was 16. His voice seemed to come from far away, and a sense of unreality, of not being me, took over. Looking back, I believe that I was in the first throes of fainting. However, the words began to register and I struggled back to the realization that yes, this WAS reality. This inner battle was in increments of seconds only, but I still vividly remember that reaction....
Two hours later, we arrived home again, both of us slightly different people from when we left. My husband had shared with me a tightly-wrapped secret never opened before. I had accepted said secret and nestled it in my bosom, to be examined and explored by myself solitarily, and together as my questions took form. For the first minute of this revelation, I had obviously gone into shock, but after that initial reaction, I listened intently. I heard pain, isolation, confusion and loneliness, in the feelings/thoughts of those caught in the Web of Wonderbra.
("Web of Wonderbra" is a phrase I thought up which I feel describes the situation many TG'ers find themselves in. If you have a minute or two, think about that phrase today sometime, and how it relates to your situation. You may find that it describes fairly accurately where you are caught, even for those running, embracing with open arms the TG lifestyle. Webs are softly spun, delicate things, those entrancing gossamer filaments fascinating and hypnotizing, but clamp strong as iron on those who have to "cross" it....)
I digress. During our walk, one question kept interrupting, "Will you leave me?" This came from me, not my husband. The one scene I couldn't cope with was that of being without her/him. Not just in the physical sense - the one person I fully trusted in this world, who I knew trusted me absolutely. We must have sounded like two star-crossed teenagers sometimes that day, each proclaiming the same things to each other over and over. In some ways we were teenagers again, re-affirming our devotion to each other and our family. I never at any time felt revulsion or disgust at the disclosure of my husband's TGism. My mind was racing with possible problems, as well as adventures, in our future. The road would not be easy, but it would not be dull! I envisioned a life with just me and the kids. We have two children, 18 and 14. I could live with my Mother, so finances wouldn't be a problem after the divorce settlement. I would be living quite well actually, but the scenario was empty to me. Trusting, loving someone who truly loves you can't be found easily if at all in a lifetime. I could understand fully why I hadn't been told before, and I feel it was a wise decision. Apparently the pressure and desire for femaleness had reached such proportions within him that he had to divulge, or explode in some other way less healthy. I could empathize with the fear and reluctance to tell someone about this "other" part that had never been known to anyone before. I highly respect her, and have told her so, for having the courage to tell me and having the sense to handle the matter like she did.... MY GIRL
Slow and easy is the way you should handle delicate information. Diplomacy and tact. Always gauge the reactions of the person you are talking to as you speak. Read body language. DON'T RUSH IT!! I was handled like that, and it was two months before I knew every tiny detail of my husband's life from age 4 to the present including seeing him fully dressed. Four weeks after I knew, it was my husband's birthday. I did a little secret shopping, and when alone, I led her up the stairs to our bedroom. On the bed were three gift bags. One bag held a black lace bra, another a matching black lace panty with other silk panties, and the third was the peach silk nightgown "she" since loves to wear to bed. Shock, surprise, delight, and a deep gratitude for the underlying message in the gifts were her reactions. In fact, I called up Expressions and met/talked to Pam about the dinners, etc. I called up Wildsides and met/talked to Roxy about their location, stock, etc. (To be fair, she found out about these places talking to people on the Internet and asked me to call). Another surprise I left on the bed; a big blue velvet makeup bag with the makeup basics inside. So began my/our journey together into the world of the TGer....
The next item on the agenda was the name. Apparently one had already been thought of: Dawn. I thought it fitting to the occasion. A new girl was now in town....
Yes, I admit that I do embrace this lifestyle, albeit lightly due to the constrictions of children, close friends, and my Mother. I have no doubt that I would be swept up into the mainstream without those constrictions, as I have no phobias regarding TG'ers, gays, lesbians, etc. As a teenager I knew some of the gays living downtown (through a family member) and enjoyed periodically visiting these young men. We always had a laugh together, and I was fascinated with their lifestyle. I believe that because of a positive association with these friends I have no transgender phobias that many of our TG friends experience with their wives/lovers. I feel sorrow for the pain of my friends on all the levels, from the teenagers with their eyes on a new world, to my friends who have gone SRS and live in a world they have carefully and skillfully carved out for themselves. I have made many new friends in the 7 months I have known about my husband's TGism, and I have been made welcome everywhere I go, including the Internet. I truly appreciate this, as I am always conscious of not being a Transgender myself, and always try to ask first if it's ok that I attend (at meetings, dinners, weekends, get-togethers, some Internet chat groups). I feel this is common courtesy, as I would understand if someone felt inhibited in sharing due to my presence. Luckily, this has never happened....
I myself am a born female, happy with my home and family, I enjoy my job and the people I work with and wish, like most people, that we were rich. So, although we have bills, we still carry on regardless. We see our non-TG friends when possible, but we have noticed that there is a tendency to sway towards Dawn's lifestyle downtown....
I took Dawn out on her first shopping trip 3 1/2 months after I found out. I chose Saturday shopping at the Toronto Eaton Centre downtown. Off we went, and had a great day. We went to Lime Ricky's for lunch, and bought some knick-knacks on Yonge Street. Some people made her, but so what? Others don't really care; they may notice, but rarely do or even say much. I was with her anyway; you're at your safest from being noticed when with a gender girl. People don't feel threatened, and are far, far less likely to cause a scene if you're with a born woman. It shouldn't make a difference of course; feelings are hurt by ill-mannered louts no matter if you're a TG or not. But who said the world makes sense?? As I said, it's been 7 months now, and we've gone shopping in downtown Toronto a few times now (daytime), donut shops, restaurants, drives, etc. I only wish my family member were alive; what a hoot we all could have had!!!....
Dawn knows a lot more people than I do, and the Internet is a world in itself. However, I have met some lovely ladies in person, that I would especially like to consider as my friends.
Paddy, Roxy, (Sally), Vicky, Michelle D., Michelle (& Rupert), Heather, Jennifer, Shirley, Cynthia, Krista, Sandra, Pam, Micky, Lindsey....
Please forgive me if I've missed listing your name. I have met many wonderful girls not named here who I hope will all be valued friends in the future....
Also, a big hug to our friends on the Internet. I couldn't even BEGIN to mention names of people that I've enjoyed talking to periodically. Thank you for your VERY valuable support and friendship to Dawn in her time of need, and just for being there to share a laugh, discuss, or share information. The Internet has proven to be very valuable as a lifeline and a means of finding and developing personal friendships within the TG community. For that I will always be grateful....
As you can see by the length of this epistle, one of Dawn's finer qualities is patience!
P.S.: I love you, Dawn