The Vampire's Lair

How to Lose Two Inches From Your Waist in Seven Days


I love the autumn months.

Walking around the university campus where I work, I am surrounded by a lot of very lean, very toned college women. The look I am seeing of late is a black bodyhugging top, blue denim jeans, and black leather chunky-heeled ankle-high boots. It's a generic plain-and-simple can't-go-wrong-kind-of look on this campus.

It's a neat look you can adopt, right? My fellow girlies and girl-wannabes, before any of you choose to adopt this look, take a moment to study your body type and ask yourself if you would look fantastic dressed like that. Go ahead and study yourself in the mirror. Take a good look.

Don't delude yourself. It's not that easy.

I'm skinny at 130 pounds and most people would agree that I'm petite for my five-foot-eight height, but I didn't always look this way. I was inches larger all over my body several years ago when I decided to transform my pathetic 118 pound frame to a ripped 155 pound jock wannabe. I managed to keep my waist size more or less the same at 28 inches, but it was not without tremendous effort.

The truth is my body type is not as ectomorphic as I or others think it is. When I gain weight, some of it will go to my waist. Much of it will go to my hips and butt. That's why I like to say I have an African woman's butt. I really do. If I was a genetic female or taking female hormones, I'd probably be very hip heavy.

Right now, I don't have heavy hips. I wear foam hip padding to give my body the illusion of a feminine shape. I try to balance out my enhanced lower torso with a pair of B- or C-cup breast forms. That's where the Mirage breasts come in. They give off the most realistic breast image of any breast form I have come across.

It takes me about seven days to tone down my waist to get it "gawk-worthy" or, in other words, "dance club ready." If I am to be gawked at or felt up, I want you to see or feel a firm feminine waist. I don't want you to see or feel flab hanging over my jeans or my skirt. That is unsightly and unappealing. Your waist is every bit as important as your boobs and hips in your feminine image.

Okay, Miss Expert Skinnyperson, you might retort, how do I achieve a tight little waist like yours?

Well, you could wear a corset, but getting into a corset is an achievement in itself and, when wearing one, you just won't get the same effect as if you had your own distinctly thin feminine waist. Roaming hands that like to feel velvet skin and toned muscles will feel leather, PVC, or cloth fabric with metal wiring instead. To some people, that may be a turn-on. To most people, it screams unnatural. My advice: Go for the natural and get in shape.

How long will it take to get in shape? Here's a good guideline to think about: If it took you three years to put on weight and/or increase your bodyfat percentage, it will take you at least three years to take it all off again. The situation gets worse the older you get because it will be harder for you to take off excess weight. You could enroll in a number of weight loss programs, but my thoughts on this are that if you truly have the time, commitment, patience, and enthusiasm to lose weight, you will be able to lose weight regardless of whether or not you enroll in such programs. I see too many people "re-enrolling" in their favorite weight loss program only to see less than desired results and a loss of lotsa bucks. I can't help you in your overall weight goals (that can be the subject of several full-length book), but I can help you with the waist as a specific spot reduction area.

I have a tried and true method for decreasing my waist by two inches in seven days. I call it accelerated spot reduction. It works for me because I have faith in it and it hasn't failed me yet. Let me save you hundreds of diet dollars by telling you what it is. Remember sit-ups? The kind you did in grade school through high school gym classes where someone holds down your ankles so that your legs are lying flat on the ground, you place your hands behind your head, and you lift up and curl your upper body so that your elbows touch your kneecaps?

I can see many people already whispering, "But I thought sit-ups were bad for your back!" and "Crunches have replaced sit-ups as a more efficient abdominal exercise." Not to be critical - nah, why not - but if crunches were the heaven-sent solution to the kill-the-flab problem, why do we still see flabby people? Maybe they're not doing the crunches correctly? Maybe they're not doing enough of them?

If you can do 50 sit-ups, then you should be able to do 100 crunches. If you are in decent overall shape, you should be able to do about 150 sit-ups (or 300 crunches) per day. If you can't do at least 200 crunches, you're probably not doing enough work to trim your waist. Go back to doing sit-ups. About the "sit-ups are bad for your back" myth, I've been doing sit-ups since I was six years old! I believe they've actually strengthened my back. I can easily lift any person, weighing up to 210 pounds, about a foot off the ground. Plenty of time on the circular rings and parallel bars in high school gym class also helped (for a less excruciating method of lifting someone heavier than you, see the last section of this column).

Here's a brief synopsis of my waist reduction program. It's frighteningly simple. Start about one week in advance of the night you go out clubbing. Eat two medium-sized meals per day: lunch and dinner. In the morning, eat two slices of toast with butter and jelly or one plain bagel. Do not snack during the day. Eating candy, cakes, and other types of desserts is a no-no. Artificially sweetened snacks are also a no-no. You are just satisfying a worthless craving if you indulge in anything that is sweet or tastes sweet. Your goal is to obliterate the craving.

Drink at least eight eight-ounce glasses of water, tea, or coffee per day (at least one glass with each meal). Do not use sugar or artificial sweeteners. Before your morning meal, do two sets of 30 sit-ups followed by 30 torso twists. One hour after your last meal of the day, do three sets of 30 sit-ups followed by 3 sets of 10 side bends in each direction.

After the first day of exercise, you may feel excruciating pain in your midsection, caused by your body not being used to the sudden intense exercise. However, as the days go by, the pain will subside and you will begin to feel your midsection toning up. The key to success in body toning is to continue working out the body part despite the pain you feel on that body part. You obliterate the pain with more pain. Do not give up. Seven days of spot reduction exercise will not kill you. If this program doesn't whittle your waist by two inches (or more) in seven days, I don't know what will.

This program is good for a one-time-only spot reduction. For example, do not expect to continue lose two inches from your waist every week. You may lose two inches the first week, one the second, perhaps one more the third, and then you won't see any improvement at all thereafter. Some people don't believe in spot reduction. A number of fitness enthusiasts were all gung-ho about it a year ago and, shortly afterwards, others came forth to renounce it. Again, I don't guarantee any results. I just know it works for me because I've been using it for years. Combined with a rigorous three-times-per-week workout regimen designed to improve your overall body, my program will give you fantastic results.

The Look

A couple of Saturdays ago, I wore the following outfit:

And the following were my makeup colors. I like to center all of my colors around my primary eyeshadow or lip color, meaning I will select one of those two colors first and then build a face with complementary shades all around it.

My lace bra was visible beneath my sheer top. You could even see my Mirage's areola beneath the lace bra cups. In order to pull off the sheer nylon top look, you have to have a great upper torso and, in particular, a really trim waist. That's where a high dose of daily exercise can really make the difference between looking like your average crossdresser and looking like a phenomenal woman. If you're a little flabby and you've skipped the previous section, I encourage you to go back and read it as thoroughly as possible. There is important information there that can improve your feminine image immensely.

An Always Ultra-Thin Maxi pad placed inside my panty girdle absorbed crotch sweat and kept my crotch area looking smooth underneath my jeans. If you pull (gently) down on your penis and pull it back so that it points towards your butt, the pad and panty girdle will keep everything in place. The downside of wearing pads is that, over extended periods of time (over four hours), you will start seeing the surface texture of your pad on the surface of your penis and your penis will shrink due to the excessive heat.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my hip padding, but, in the case of panty girdles, I suggest wearing them under your hip padding because the extra stretchiness of the panty girdle fabric will likely misshape your hip padding. That's where your pantyhose comes in. Combined with the stretchiness of your jeans, there is very little chance that your hip padding will move around and, if it does, just go to the restroom, unzip your jeans, and pull your pads up a little. Chances are your pads will shift down, not up. The most realistic-looking hip padding will start at about navel level and work its way down to about two inches above the knee. If you are wearing shorts or skirts, wear smaller pads and allow them to end about two inches above the length of the shorts or skirt.

[Here's a short snippet out of The Simpsons that is vaguely appropriate, but quite funny. It was taken from the episode where Homer enters Lisa in a kiddie beauty pageant:

Lisa Simpson (talking to Bart): "Do you really think I can win this thing?"

Bart Simpson (walking in high heels quite gracefully): "Sure! I'm beginning to think that I can win this thing!"

And the clinching line from Bart, the budding young female impersonator and beauty pageant contestant: "And later on, I can teach you about the fine art of padding!"

Lisa looks confused.

There are at least a half dozen more episodes with instances of crossdressing in the Simpson family.]


Mary, my personal hairstylist and fiancee, created a little braided French twist in my Tara wig. She also arranged two whispy long strands of hair to frame my face, a look that I can only describe as "antennae" or "feelers." This is an awesomely sexy look, is totally glamorous, and is easy to do. I've cartoon-ified my hairstyle in the following drawing, so you can get an idea of how my hair looked that night:

I apologize for not having any new photos this time around, especially with that awesome hairstyle I just described, so I'll give you another photo of me in my last photo shoot:



Party Talk

The moment I walked into my usual Saturday night place to dance, Luis, a handsome Hispanic man I had met before, immediately walked up to me and hugged me.

"Honey, you look fabulous!" he exclaimed giving me several look-overs.

I thanked him. He moved his lips to my cheek and gave me a really big kiss. He said he'd be back later, but I wasn't counting on it.

I walked away and stood at one side of the bar for a while, sipping on an Alabama Slammer. A middle-aged man about five-foot-ten with a medium build and wearing in a dark grey jacket and white t-shirt underneath walked towards me from the opposite end of the bar, kissed the back of my hand, and introduced himself as Mario. I told him my name and he told me how beautiful I looked. I smiled. He had a slight Italian accent.

"Cool," I thought. But maybe he was polite because he wanted something from me. Don't worry, kids. I'm not stupid enough to fall for one compliment. Ten, maybe, but not one.

"I just wanted to say that I love transsexual women," he said. "You must be the most beautiful transsexual I have ever seen."

"That's very flattering," I replied. "But I'm not that good-looking..."

"Oohh! But, you are! I have dated many transsexual women and you are the best-looking!"

Whooo! His flattery was working. His accent was, too. It was decidedly different from your run-of-the-mill Brooklyn/South Philly "tough guy" accent.

"You want to have dinner with me sometime?"

I smiled.

"When?" I replied.

"Tomorrow night. I pay for everything. I pay to have you picked up to my apartment."

I paused. I set my almost-empty drink down and he gingerly held onto my hand. I thought it was cool to see how feminine my hand looked in his much bigger masculine-looking hand.

"I can't," I replied.

"Why not?"

"I'm engaged."

"To a man?"

"No, to a woman."

"How long have you been together?"

"Six years."

"Oh! She is a very lucky woman!"

I blushed through my makeup.

"Thanks!" I said in a bit of a goofy voice. I wish he'd stop complimenting me!

He moved in a little closer and moved my hair away from my face, stroking the side of my face with his hand. He wore Polo on his wrists.

"She can come, too. I pay for her dinner, too."

Now, that would make an unusual three-way date!

"I'm sorry, but I can't."

"Why not?"

I paused.

"It's my principle. I'm monogamous. Sorry..." I concluded.

He nodded and acknowledged my words.

"No need to say sorry. If you should change your mind, here is my phone number."

He handed me his business card and wrote his home number on the back of it. I won't reveal his job, but let's just say he's probably a very rich man. Anyone want his card?

"Would you like me to buy you a drink?" he asked.

I shook my head. That was for the better.

"Maybe you'd like to dance?"

"Not right now... thanks..."

That, too, was for the better. He smiled, kissed my hand again, and left the room. I must have had this really goofy grin on my face because the bartender saw me and smiled back.

"What would you like, hon?"

"Just some water..."

So I stood there sipping on water to cool my heat.

[Before you start thinking Kalina is some horny little bisexual girlie girl who might be silly enough to sleep with a flatterer, here's a thought-provoking interjection. I'll always be hesitant in sleeping with a man. Why? Because I am one genetically and I know how most guys who go to clubs think. Why? Because I used to think that way and I had lots of guido friends who thought that way. However, I always find it a thrill to be able to attract both men and women, a trait I like to call "universal attractiveness." Because I'm a monogamous little kitten, I don't give up my goodies to just anyone. You can touch me, just don't touch my goodies unless I give you permission to!]

A young blonde boy in a black men's ballet suit walked by me and turned to stop and stare for a brief moment. He picked up one of my hands in his.

"Oh, God, honey! You have such gorgeous hands! So small and feminine!" he said in his high-pitched nasally voice.

He massaged my hand with his hands.

"If I was straight, I'd want you to caress me all over," he said.

Now, what do you suppose he meant by that?

He kissed the palm of my hand.

I smiled, not saying a word.

"Honey, you got it going on!" he exclaimed.

He walked away.

You should try going out to dance clubs some time if you haven't done so already. You can meet some pretty interesting people who can make some pretty interesting comments and compliments.

After the last song was played, I quickly scooted out of the club and walked about two blocks waiting for my ride home. A street urchin kept staring at me from across the street. I kept giving him cheesy grins. He finally walked away. Cool. A petite female impersonator in six-inch spiked heels (always a dead giveaway of a crossdresser) walked towards a phone booth near where I was standing.

The street urchin started walking across the street towards her, but then stopped and gave the crossdresser a good look-over. The crossdresser turned to his direction, which caused the urchin to scoot back across the street and fly down an alleyway. I turned to look at that crossdresser talking on the phone. She had a very feminine body and her hair was naturally long and slicked back, but she had a very manly face that no amount of cosmetics could hide.

A young guy in a polo shirt inched his way up to me and took my hand as if I were a woman.

"I have great respect for you," he said. "I have respect for anyone who can wear heels for long periods of time."

He was kind of drunk or drugged or both. Whatever it was, I took it as sarcasm. He probably didn't mean it to sound that way.

"I've worn higher heels before," I replied bluntly.

"Oh..." he said as he quickly retracted his hand and proceeded to slowly walk down the street.

A number of friendly young gay kids passed by and said hi. An over six-foot tall crossdresser passed by wearing a black vinyl maid's outfit and stiletto heels. Cop cars passed by, too, but paid no attention to me or the odd sights around. Mary showed up shortly afterwards to pick me up and, as I got into the car, I caught a glimpse of that street urchin who was checking me out earlier. I gave him a look and a smile. Hee hee.

How to Pick Up Guys

Okay, okay, here's the real secret to lifting a 210 person even though you weigh 130. You can even lift this person with one arm. It's all in the way you lift the person (we'll assume the person is a "he"). We'll also assume the two of you are about the same height. Start with the person facing you and ask him to place both hands around your neck with fingers interlocking. He can even place his hands squarely on your back so long as they more or less touch. Bend your knees, wrap either arm around the person's waist, and heave upward, lifting your knees.

After a couple of practice runs, you'll see that it's relatively easy to lift someone much heavier than you. It looks impressive and may even shock the person in your arms. Why is it easy? Believe it or not, the big person is actually doing some of the work himself; in other words, he is helping you lift him by lifting himself! If he didn't wrap his arms around you, you'd be trying twice as hard to get him off the ground. You'll still need a strong back to do this trick, though, so don't go rushing out the door to pick up your neighbor (they'll probably call the cops if you do).

Be sure to check out Kalina's fabulous web page.
Of course, you can always e-mail the girlie girl at isato@gender.com.