Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

© 1996 Transgender Forum and Lee Etscovitz

Dear Mom and Dad,

It is not easy for me to write this letter, for you have never really seemed willing to listen to me. But maybe a letter provides just the right combination of closeness and distance that we need for communication. Of course, up till now I have not even been able to hear or see myself for who I really am, so how much can I really blame you for our relationship and for our lack of communication? The older I get, the less I can honestly and responsibly do any blaming. I am at the point in my life where I now feel I am truly responsible for what I do and think and feel. So I want to tell you some things that I now accept and respect about myself.

Mom and Dad, you brought a son into the world, a son, however, who was always seen by both of you as a dreamer, a boy who you, Dad, wanted to be more of a man, and a boy who you, Mom, wanted to be close to you. As you know, I did try to be a good son to both of you, though at times I felt a bit torn apart by your conflicting expectations of me. In any case, I did go to school, I dated girls, I participated in sports, worked in your garage, Dad, and have held good jobs in teaching and selling. But somehow I have never really been happy.

I realize you both helped me with therapy, but I remained troubled. Well, at last I have found the source of my problem: it is what is called "gender confusion," and it just won't go away. The truth is that all my life, ever since I was six years old, I have always preferred to be among girls, just being with them and playing house with them. Oh yes, I played with cars and trucks and guns and was in the Cub Scouts and had some boy friends. But the older I got the more I found myself wanting to be just like the girls. That is why, given my being born a male, I have been confused and unhappy, confused about my gender.

This confusion has taken quite a toll on my life. Self-recognition in a case like this can be very difficult, let alone accepting what one finally recognizes to be the case. I have always felt ashamed of my feminine feelings, for being somehow different from the other boys. As I look back, I wonder how I ever got through school, for I was so preoccupied with my inner concerns and my inner unrest that I had difficulty concentrating on my studies. But somehow I managed to graduate at each step of the way. Of course, concentrating on earning a living has also been difficult, but again, I seem to have managed.

But that is about all I was doing as the years progressed: managing to get along but not really enjoying life and not really accomplishing the things I had once envisioned doing. So now, with many years behind me, I have at last seen the truth about myself. Better late than never, as they say. I guess hearing all this is enough to make you turn over in your graves. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, you are in your graves, both of you. I wonder if you are still arguing over me. I used to feel guilty thinking I was the cause of your marital difficulties.

Well, now that you both are resting, perhaps in peace, I find myself finally telling you something that probably makes you a bit uncomfortable. But tell you I must, if only for my own sanity in the world of the living. I cannot tolerate any longer my own living death. I suppose that, if you can somehow hear and understand what I am saying, you are shocked. But think of it this way: at last you have given me the opportunity to tell you my deep, dark secret. I am no longer ashamed of who I am.

Maybe you think I am a coward for waiting until both of you cannot really react tome. But all the time that you thought I was a difficult child, you in turn were not easy parents, the way you carried on about me. I always felt something was drastically wrong with me, leaving me with little solid ground to stand on. But now I feel the ground beneath me to be solid and exciting. Unfortunately, and I do mean it is unfortunate, you are in that ground, perhaps the only time you have stayed quiet and listened to me and, hopefully, accepted me for who I am. If you are uncomfortable, then I am sorry, for I do love you. Maybe some flowers from me from time to time will sweeten the bitterness of the truth I have just shared with you.

But is it really bitter for me to be happy, wanting nothing more from you than love and acceptance? I think not, and I can only wish for you the eternal happiness that I am beginning to experience while I am still living. May you rest in peace, and may I live in peace.
Love,
Lee
P.S. I hope you like my new first name.