When A Son Becomes A Daughter

By Sandra W "Krista's Mom"
© 1996 Transgender Forum




Eighteen years ago, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful, baby boy. I was extremely grateful he was born perfect.

As he grew up the only problem he had was that he was extremely shy and found it extremely hard to get close to anyone but family. As he got older I realized he never seemed very happy and was moody most of the time, but I could never figure out why.

At age 12 I caught him trying on my bathing suit, but being a mother and rather stupid I ignored it and thought it was a phase that would eventually pass. Either I didn't want to know or didn't want to admit there was a problem, I'm not really sure. Then when he was about 15 my best friend left me a note in my car telling me that my son was trying on her daughter's clothes in their bathroom secretly. Also one of her bras were missing.

My friend and I had a long talk and we thought it was because he liked her daughter.He did always seem to stare at her, little did we know that he secretly wished to be just like her!

Well shortly after the note thing my son had a long talk with my friend and told her everything. He was deeply depressed and scared I would hate him if I found out. My friend allowed him to dress up at her house and even took him shopping because she was worried about him being so depressed. I think at this time I knew there was something wrong but was still unwilling to admit or discuss it. It was easier for me at that time to ignore it. Finally she talked him into letting her tell me.

We had a long talk that day, and although I knew little of what he was telling me I knew I would always love him/her no matter what. At first after finding out I was totally shocked and wondered what I had done wrong. I was also mad because I couldn't figure out why this was happening to us. I was still in denial even though I knew and I think at first I avoided any quiet meetings with him because I didn't know what to say or do to help him. All I could do at that point was tell him I loved him and always would, but I'm not sure he believed me then.

I thought ignoring it would make it go away, although deep down inside I knew that wasn't true."Krista" throughout all this felt ignored and unwanted. I think sub-consciously I was avoiding her, but out of ignorance. She was also still dressing and shopping with my friends. She was extremely sad and depressed; I was very little help to her then I am ashamed to say.

Finally one day I woke up and decided to get educated on the subject.I had a long talk with my GP who knew very little but was of some comfort.He suggested an appointment with a psychiatrist.On our first visit he told me this was caused because of a lack of a father figure and it would take years to correct. I was thrilled, finally I heard the word correct. Not until later did I find out that he had also yelled at Krista. When I found that out we never went back.

My GP got us a new counselors who is very supportive and who has helped and educated us a lot. I also recently purchased a computer which helped Krista find Transgender Forum's chat area. Here she has found acceptance, with people willing to listen and encourage. She was in a terrible state and I wasn't really there yet, she really got better after finding and talking here. I am very appreciative of that. I too have been on the chat line and it has helped inform me of TS issues way more than everyone we have been sent to see.

Well anyway throughout it all I never stopped loving Krista, even though I was having trouble showing it. My main concern was always her happiness and she is just recently becoming happier. She now feels she will have a future, the future she wants. The first time I saw Krista "dressed" was a bit difficult for me. To say the least I was shocked! But together, with love and understanding we got through it and will continue to do so together.

We have had many talks in the last two years, I have become a bit more educated on the subject and we are progressing at a good pace I think. Krista is also much more open and comfortable around me. She now realizes I love her for who she is not for what she is and I will no matter what. Things are far from perfect, we both still have our ups and downs, but at least now she knows she is not in this alone. I do and always will love and be there for her.

A Trip To Toronto

A few weeks ago we went to Toronto for our first time out as mother and daughter in public. We were both very nervous. I was scared to make a mistake and a few times said he instead of she, and Mike instead of Krista, but 18 year old habits are hard to break. She understands I'm trying my best and is patient with me also. We have had many shopping trips together recently and I must admit they are more fun than they used to be.

At first I was worried about losing my son,now I realize she's still the same person just the outside looks different. In fact I think I've gained the daughter I secretly always wanted. I'm still not totally 100% all right with this but we are trying very hard. My family still doesn't know, we're going to wait until she finishes high school. I always thought we were very close and had a great open relationship, but little did I know at the time. We have become much closer now and much more open with each other. We also talk a lot more now.

My advice to other's is to keep communication open, listen, love and always be there. Things any parent should do for their child. I found it was harder on me because Krista is an only child. Also, her father has not been a part of her life for a long time. My number one concern right now is her happiness and well being and I will continue to do whatever it takes to get her there.

Taking it one day at a time,slowly,and with love!

Krista's mom (Sandra)


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