I was actively and visibly involved in the transgender community for some eight years, serving on a variety of boards and as a leader, both of a transgender support group and of partners support groups and conferences. I served on the boards of directors of both Tri-Ess and I.F.G.E., as well as helping establish the now wildly successful Southern Comfort conferences. I worked hard along the sides of other women to establish S.P.I.C.E. and was lucky enough to see its value. I have been blessed with knowing a variety of people throughout the country who are involved (and not so involved) in transgender issues and groups, and I count amongst my friends many crossdressers, partners, transsexuals, transgenderists, and helping professionals. I have seen the value of true dedication of those who wish to help, and I have genuinely felt the pain and fears and joys of both those transgendered, and those who love them.
The transgender community is no different from any other community of individuals. There are always those with large egos, those with humbleness, those who wish to be served and those who wish to serve. The transgender community is made up of human beings, a variety of personalities, as well as a wide range of differences. That such a melting pot could live totally in peace is a pipe dream, but despite the idealism of such a thought, there is nothing wrong in hoping that such peace could happen.
In the last two years, there have been substantial changes in my life. I am no longer so much in the public view. My personal life has changed drastically, and these changes have been both painful and joyful. Other people have chosen to "perceive" how those changes came about and they have often chosen to judge. The truth is known to only a few, and that is my choice. Rather than raise issues that would hurt others, it is better to simply let the past be and get on with today.
An unfortunate happenstance that resulted from the personal changes in my life was the disruption of a very good friendship with Jane Ellen and Mary Fairfax, of Tri-Ess. Lack of communication, pain, anger, frustrations - all of these combined to create a rift from two people I had long liked, worked with and treasured as friends. The rift continued unabated for a year before Vanessa and I tired of the fight and asked for peace. Jane Ellen and Mary were wary, as we were, but the truth is that fighting, backbiting, accusations (true or false) simply do not work and only create more distress. Perhaps more important, the bickering and sniping only served to hurt others, who didn't deserve to be hurt.
So we established a wary peace, and have made honest attempts (on both sides) to open a communication, despite the differences in ideologies. Perhaps we are discovering that we are not as different as we thought. We recognize Jane Ellen's and Mary's true dedication to serving and I am personally well aware of the many sacrifices they have made over the years in their efforts to serve. In fact, they do too much, and the community allows it, ignoring the fact that they are human, too, and could often use a rest.
The point of all this is to tell you about a rare gift that Jane Ellen has given us, her former "enemies." Recently, Vanessa and I have been undergoing a stressful time. Vanessa's ex-wife has been denying visitation rights with her son, and it is currently in the courts. This denial is based totally on the fact that Vanessa is transgendered. In any event, once this denial became known to us, I suggested to Vanessa that we turn to Jane Ellen to ask for help. Considering our former joint animosity, it was a humbling thing to do, but one I felt right in suggesting. We had no idea how Jane Ellen would respond, if at all. What we got was a lovely gift of friendship, caring, concern and willingness to help in anyway she could. It takes a large heart to ignore the past and instead reach out to help a former foe who is now in need. Jane Ellen never blinked and simply responded immediately. She offered not only that caring, but also sound advice, which we have followed.
I don't expect us to ever agree on many issues, but the message here is one of value. Jane Ellen, a devout Christian, no doubt responded in Christian love. Although Vanessa and I both profess spiritual beliefs, we took her response instead as that of simple friendship, concern for someone in pain and stress. Jane Ellen's response is what this community should be about. It is putting aside differences, beliefs and simply reaching out to help. It is time to put aside the prejudices, to put aside sarcastic, hateful reactions to those different from oneself and to concentrate on those within the community who are reaching out for help. Jane Ellen's response to our need is a great example to follow.