Coming Out at Work

Telling Everyone

Part II



By Hannah Reinstein


Informing your employer that you are about to go through transition can be a very difficult decision and no one way is correct. From time to time we will publish stories by readers who have gone through this process to give those of you in a similiar situation some ideas on how others have handled this. If you would like to participate contact Cindy Martin YOUR story could help someone else...


Note: These are responses to a memo Hannah sent to work colleagues about her children,
which essentially "outted" her to everyone

Here are some of their responses(See Part 1 to catch up)





These are the two followup posts made later the same day. By the afternoon of the next day there were well over 100 responses. People who had negative feelings--and naturally there were some who did--wouldn't have responded. For one thing, company diversity policy makes them think twice about flaming. Later that week, I did get flamed by two guys but I just ignored it. -H


---------
From: 	Cary E. Reinstein
Sent: 	Monday, 23 October, 1995 14:30 PM
To: 	SOC Parents of Teenagers; DAC Single Parents
Subject: 	Followup ("Men Cry")

Over 40 people took the time to write me notes today after they read my email 
about my children and my life-altering decisions. I'm trying to answer 
everyone individually but there are still more than 30 left to go!

When I woke up this morning I didn't know that I'd write a letter to these 
Aliases. What a road I've turned on to and what a great trip it will be!

You are all the most wonderful, supportive, and life-affirming people that 
I've ever known. Recently I discovered that I could free myself from fear and 
self-doubt. I took tremendous pride in the way that my kids are turning out. 
Now I want to say that I'm glad from the depths of my soul to be working with 
you all. 

I'll respond and thank every single one of you by tomorrow morning. Remember 
what James Burke said at the company meeting about being "out of the box"? I 
guess I am that now! It feels even better because I've experienced the kind 
and compassionate support that you all extended to me. It gives me strength 
and joy.

I was very moved by the beautiful phone call from L.B. this morning (you know 
who you are). Hugs to all who wrote, called and came to see me. 

Thank you,

Cary

========================
"And she said, 'I've swallowed a secret burning thread, It cuts me inside, and 
often I've bled.'" - Suzanne Vega
========================
"Wheres the KABOOM? There was supposed to be an earth shattering KABOOM!"   
Marvin the Martian


----------
From: 	Cary E. Reinstein
Sent: 	Monday, 23 October, 1995 17:51 PM
To: 	SOC Parents of Teenagers; DAC MS Single Parents
Subject: 	Men Cry: Compilation of responses

Below are most of the responses that I've received so far. I removed anything 
that was personal and most names to respect privacy. You are the best people 
in the world! Thank you for being there and being so compassionate and sweet.

The compliments in some of the notes are embarrassing! They're huge 
exaggerations (I love 'em anyway). I guess you never know what impact you have 
on the folks around you until you reach the sort of crossroads that I have.

Thank you all. It's an honor to work with you. I love and respect every single 
one of you.

Cary

=====================================
Congratulations - I'm applauding your honesty and decision to move on 
with your life.  You're truly amazing !!  Don't forget your son's 
attitude and understanding are a credit to you.   As a new single 
mother of a  - you give me inspiration ...  Good luck 
and God's speed on your future path. !
*********
thank you for sharing your story.  i wish you luck and strength....
*********
Hi Cary. You are very courageous to have sent this out. I hope the response 
you get is positive. I wish you lots of luck in the future.
*********
You mentioned in your story about losing some friends over this.  Let 
me tell you that I have learned you can't lose what you don't own.  A 
friend isn't something that you "have" it is something that you "do".  
(Friendship is the act of giving love)

The people who "don't get it", are people who don't understand that 
loving you is accepting you exactly the way you are.  God doesn't make 
mistakes.  You ARE exactly the way He intends for you to be at any 
given moment it time.

I admire your courage SO much!!!
*********
Good luck in your journey. This also shows your parenting skills, our 
kids do listen to us and learn when we aren't looking
*********
Your honestly and clarity is much respected. You are an example of a 
model parent. Good luck to you!
*********
Thanks for the beautiful account.

You are a very wealthy person to have two sons! It is the best kind of wealth.

A friend of mine took the same course that you are considering. She 
seems quite happy.
*********
You are one of the bravest people that I know.  Not to mention one of 
the most eloquent.  When you mentioned than Ben accepted you, and 
hugged you, I almost cried!  Those are one of the moments that parents 
live for Cary.  You should be very proud of your son.  It is even a 
greater testimony that you could raise two boys so well through such 
incredible adversity.  You are a model parent.

So, with all that in mind, I know that you succeed will do well in 
whatever you truly want.  Many of us will be here to help and support 
you in all of your endeavor.

Your Friend,
*********
My heart goes out with happiness for you.

When I first arrived at  as the receptionist in building 1, 
you not only welcomed me, but whenever I would see you, you would make 
me feel  "special" by saying hello to Loretta and not just a no named 
entity.  You always have a way to make everyone that I know that knows 
you, feel special.

Isn't time for you to take care of Cary?

Love yourself and we will all love you for it.  Stay strong!!!
*********
That's the most beautiful mail I have ever read, and it's from someone I know 
(if only slightly).  You are the third transsexual I have known in my life.  
The first two were men as I knew them.  The first (when I was much younger) 
was very unhappy, and I did not understand the condition at all, but I liked 
her very much and supported her.  The second I knew ten years ago.  I worked 
with her, but I didn't know her well enough to know about her condition.  I 
was quite surprised last year to see her name listed as Michelle rather than 
Michael in the  Yearbook credits.  And then I understood a lot more 
about her.  She was fully supported by the  company, but I heard from 
someone there that there were a lot of raised eyebrows.  What you are about to 
do is very courageous:  you are about to be true to yourself.  I wish you all 
the best.
*********
Hi Cary. I just wanted to say that I admire your courageousness . I 
know how difficult this is for someone. I went through something very 
similar to what you are going through, however, I weighed my options 
and decided to take the easier way out and remain the way I am. I am 
very happy for you that you are able to take the steps to do what you 
know is right for you, and I am also very happy that your son has been 
so understanding, loving, and accepting to you. I know that you will 
undergo a lot of emotional stress and negativeness from people in the 
world, but you have to keep your chin up and remember, you are doing 
what is right for you.

There's a certain way I've come to feel about life, and I believe that 
it crosses across all religions of the world in one way or another:

The law of physics teaches us that nothing is created or destroyed, is 
simply changes form. Change is good.  :)  There are two forces in the 
universe, positive and negative energy. It is up to us to choose which 
energy we choose to surround ourselves with and fill ourselves with, 
and we are responsible for our decisions. Even if your son had not 
accepted you, it would be painful, but I still believe you have to do 
what is right for you. I would like to keep in contact with you to see 
how you are coming along, and also to be there to provide support.
*********
That was an incredibly brave thing for you to post this to our MS 
community.   There are large numbers of very intolerant people in this 
world.  I am happy to say they are not among the people that I choose 
to associate with.  Bravo, to you for taking a stand for yourself and 
your happiness.  It must have been a wonderfully enriching moment to 
have your son accept you and support your decision. You can credit at 
least a portion of his ability to be open, to the way you raised him.
*********
Thank your for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me/us today.  You
may very well be going through the most difficult and wonderful time of 
your life.
I hope the holidays offer hope, love and peace for you and your family.
*********
your mail made me cry.  although i don't know you personally, i wanted 
to respond to your message and offer you support.  you have given me 
the opportunity to laugh on many occasions - something that everyone 
needs but something i rarely make time for.  i always thought of you as 
being a happy-go-lucky, funny, free-spirited person.  it sounds like 
you may have been hiding behind that front so that others weren't aware 
of your sadness.  i don't know that for sure but i am glad that you 
have found the strength to make the turn towards finding happiness for 
yourself.  you deserve it.  i support you in this and i will pray for 
you.  please take care of yourself.  what would your children do 
without you?  if you ever need a sounding board, please feel free.    
cheers to you and the new path you have taken.  may you find a well of 
happiness very soon and the courage and strength you need to get you there.
*********
wow!  I am totally awed at your courage and bravery.  And my heartiest, 
most sincere, congratulations and best wishes on the new road you have 
taken.  I am honored to know you.
*********
What an enormous transition you've been through -- and will continue to 
go through as time passes.  I'm glad your sons who obviously mean so 
much to you are there for you.  My heart and support go out to you too.
warm best wishes,
*********
 just have one thought for you and that is that you are a great 
person.  It takes courage to do what you have done and I think you 
admirable.  I just wish you a lot of courage and a lot of strength.

God bless you the way you are or the way you wanna be.
*********
That is one very brave thing to do.  I sincerely hope you will get emotional 
support from your family.  You have one great son who is understanding.  The 
other one may be just as understanding as well.  It is your life, you have to 
what is right for you.

I am not sure if you want to hear this from a stranger, but I wish you the 
best luck of all.
*********
You have often taken the time to help and support people on this alias.
I have often appreciated what you have shared. Good luck Cary.
After all you have done, even putting yourself on the back burner so
your EX could follow her own path, you deserve to find happiness.

Your friend as well.
*********
I am so happy for you that your son was so understanding. Obviously you 
have raised him to be a thoughtful, caring individual, and I'm sure you 
are very proud of him.

As it happens, I have a very dear friend who is gender-dysphoric. He 
and his girlfriend are about to get involved with a support group at 
the Ingersoll Centre. ... If it's 
okay with you, could I forward your email name to him so that he could 
contact you with more info about Ingersoll?

You are very brave to be able to tell your friends at work and your 
family. I hope you receive supportive responses, and that you find the 
support network you need.

All the best,


*********
Hugs.

Good luck on your path.  May these changes bring you the chance to find 
happiness and inner peace.
*********
You are certainly brave...
Congratulations on being able to breathe again. It's the secrets that kill us.

A question...you list three possible outcomes:
	1 hormone therapy and surgical remedies
	2 a miserable dysfunctional  life
	3 suicide, the most common outcome.
May I suggest that there are probably others? I mean, the truth is.even 
if you change your body and attach and remove the things that "make us 
gender specific", the truth is as you said it..."I know who I am."  
What does it matter what happens to the externals of your body? Why 
does one have to go through hoops and under knives to feel like they 
"fit." Could it be that we all have to show the same braveness you've 
shown every single day...whether we know our bodies, our hearts, our 
souls are not what everyone wants them to be...and own up to who we 
are, as we are.

Anyway Cary...I'm glad you are taking this big step for yourself. It 
must have been hellish for you. Why oh why do we all assume that 
everyone is supposed to be like, and love like,  everyone else?
(sigh)
And, clearly, you're a great dad...( I won't say mom and dad...because 
I believe that that is less important....you're a giving parent.
*********
We're strangers, but I wanted to celebrate your courage and send my 
blessings on your transformation.  You've obviously raised fine human 
beings; they're safely on their way, and support you in taking yours.  
That's how it ought to be, and all too seldom is.
I wish you ease and joy.
*********
You really touch people around you.  You are truly unique and 
wonderful.  I am sitting in my office all misty eyed.  Thanks for being you.
*********
Congratulations on raising such a great kid! It is so rewarding to know 
that the unconditional love
that we pour out is retained and returned when we most need it. I will 
be putting in my 2 cents worth
of prayers for you over Thanksgiving. Kind of an appropriate weekend. 
Try not to play it over in your head to often. I know I have a hard 
time when I have that much time to mull my every word over and over. 
You sound like you are handling everything remarkable well. Just 
remember that our bodies are only a resting place for our soul. Good 
luck to you on a path the you will now tread regardless of the unknown. 
The unknown has always been the scariest thing to me.

Now a personal note. I personally feel that the world is made up of all 
types of people.
If God had not meant for there to be straight people, gay people, 
celibate people, transsexuals,
cross dressers etc. then why are we ALL here? There are many of us in 
this world that truly feel
a person's sexual choices are their own to make and are really not ours 
to judge, discuss or decide.
I hope you find that the people you have surrounded yourself with are 
of this same belief.
There are many decisions we make, usually we don't have to discuss them 
unless we choose
to. With something like this, you have to confront everyone with your 
choice and wait for them to
decide how they will deal with it. I hope that your friends will not 
disappoint you, although some probably
will. I wish you the best with everything and hope you will soon find 
the happiness you deserve. You truly
are a brave person and deserve to be happy with yourself. Your 
selflessness is incredible. You have put your children first and even 
your ex-wife. Now it is time to give yourself as much love as you have 
given them.
Good Luck. God Bless!

People discuss and make fun of that which they do not understand. 
Forgive them because
they are truly missing out on what makes the world go round.
*********
Your son is a perfect reflection of the wonderful parenting you have 
done.  Now it is God's time for you to take perfect care of yourself.

God Bless You.
Love
*********
People are sexual. It is a free world. Everyone should be free to pursue the 
path that is best for them (as long as isn't an aggressive act against other 
people or the world around them).
*********
Congratulations Cary, you are strong and will succeed.  This Thanksgiving you 
can be truly thankful.
********
This takes a great deal of courage, Cary. My heart goes out to you, and 
I hope everything works out for the best. I'm sure you have the spirit 
and the strength to make your life into whatever you want it to be
*********
I was very moved by your mail this morning.   I think it's really courageous 
of you.    Coming out has been hard for me, and I imagine that a decision like 
yours must be even harder.
Best wishes on your journey!
*********
Welcome to your new life.  Glad to have you with us.
*********
hey cary-
a warm welcome to gleam!!!  i hope you enjoy our alias, gain from it's 
supportive and nurturing family, and feel comfortable knowing that there are 
many of us here who accept you.
*********
know that my mother has a co-worker at  who was in your situation.
From what I heard, this person was very open and honest about the 
changes she was going to bring into her life.
Everything worked out very well for this person.
*********
Hi Cary,
I must say I've been thinking about you all afternoon! My heart goes out to 
you – the decision you made to tell your son was unbelievably tough (I have a 
16 year old daughter, so I can understand the age pretty well too). I am proud 
of your son for being such a strong support to you. I honestly believe these 
kids are far more open and receptive to people being who they really are than 
any other generation that has come before them. For that, I am also grateful. 
It allows adults to finally be who they were meant to be.
The best to you. I'm really happy that you have received such positive 
support. You deserve that. And most of all….you deserve to be free to be who 
you are.
If you ever need a friend, just remember I'm here with the rest of us single 
parent-types—and we're all cheering you on!

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