Couples

By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the transgender community for over seven years, particularly with the significant others and couples groups. Julie has contributed too the "Other Voices" column of the ETVC newsletter and also writes articles on gender issues for the DVG newsletter (Devil Woman),Tapestry Magazine, and the Femme Mirror. She is ETVC's current Member of the Year. Having attended many conferences around the country, Julie along with Donna, her spouse, CO-founder of DVG and former Secretary and Membership Chair for ETVC, is now helping to organize California Dreaming' this April in San Francisco.


When is Enough, Enough

As many of us significant others know, when crossdressers discover the gender community, they are eager to partake of the activities offered - socials, parties, holidays - just to name a few.

If they happen to be blessed with a supportive wife, then it becomes easy to add more and more activities as the months go by and they develop confidence; they become bolder when going out in public.

Occasionally, they may even bring crossdressers over to change; those who may have nowhere else to dress. The wife can clean up after they leave for the night, of course. She is used to that responsibility! As time goes on, crossdressers may offer rides to those without transportation and even lend money when asked. Money is spent on clothes, make up, and accessories. Gender activities in other cities become financial considerations.

As they become immersed in the gender community, responsibilities such as planning socials, mailing out notices, preparing newsletters, organizing activities, etc., become a large part of their lives. Mundane chores such as cleaning the house, taking care of the yard, etc., take a back seat. Or perhaps the wife adds these chores to her schedule. Finding time to talk becomes difficult as newsletters need to be prepared, membership lists need to be updated, letters need to be answered, and phone calls become a nightly interruption. The wife may have to schedule an appointment with her husband just to discuss household issues.

Gender activities begin to look to the wife as just another way of the boys getting together with the boys. And she begins to wonder: When is enough, enough!

...and those fears

When wives and significant others first find out about crossdressing, one of their deepest fears is just how far will their husbands go in their desire to emulate and imitate women. Although most of us know little about what prompts this behavior, many of the women I have met are willing to learn about the behavior and try to understand it.

But the fear that keeps cropping up is that of transsexualism. Our knowledge about primary transsexualism as opposed to secondary transsexualism is limited to be sure. Most of us can understand an individual who believed from an early age that he was born in the wrong body. Some, like Tula, make it to the media scene and convincingly make a case for the primary transsexual. Even more persuasive was a movie made several years ago about the late Christine Jorgensen, where a medical work-up led the doctor to conclude that George (Christine), although appearance-wise looked male, had the hormonal makeup of a woman.

But it is the secondary transsexualism that has us baffled. Is there such a phenomenon and how do we cope with it? I was particularly disturbed when on a cruise set up particularly for crossdressers and their families to find one member of our group, married with children, out gallivanting at night as a young single woman! "She" was so successful in passing that a single straight man on the cruise was smitten and probably hoped a relationship would develop.

Although "she" had the good sense to prevent an unpleasant situation from developing, the fact remains that her wife and children were left somewhere in the background while "she" went out to play. So when I was asked a few days after that event to write an article on wives and transsexuals by some friends in Tri-Ess, who were concerned about the break-up of families in the gender community, it was not hard to do. Especially since at that time I was facing some concerns also. I had no knowledge of why secondary transsexualism may occur or even if there is such a phenomenon, but I could speak to the feelings and emotions that wives experience when faced with this prospect in their own lives.

Recently another talk show on gender aired with the families of crossdressers. In one relationship, the husband was now living full time as a woman, but had no intentions of ever having surgery. His wife seemed very supportive and happy in their relationship. But sadly another couple did not. In that relationship, all the fears and anxieties that we wives are troubled about were demonstrated. Although they had been married for over fifteen years and had several children, the crossdresser was now living full time as a woman, with plans to have an operation when financially able. His relationship with his wife is now just one of friendship, "best" friends as the wife puts it.

She seemed very resigned to her situation, but it was obvious to the audience as well as the hostess that she was unhappy to say the least. Her husband did not make things easier by alluding to the possibility of having a relationship with a man, sometime after surgery! Crossdressers need to know of these fears and anxieties on the part of their wives and significant others. They need to reassure their wives as to their love and commitment to them and their families. Only then will their relationships broaden and deepen.

(This article originally appeared in the ETVC Newsletter.)


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