"You have the power of co-creation. Explore the ways you can exercise power for, not power over." (Celebrate your womanhood Therapy...Karen Katafiasz)
Think about these words. They are very powerful. As women, we are rarely thought of as powerful people. Yet, you hear about the "strength" within a woman. Are power and strength the same? I think not. Rather, I believe you must have strength to have power.
The strength of a woman is not usually physical strength, although there are women who are physically strong. The strength of a woman I speak of is that which is emotional, intellectual and mental strength. It is that vein of determination that is part of our make-up, it is the ability to pick up the pieces, to make decisions when no one else can. It is facing hardship or pain or grief, and being able to work through it and go on in life.
For women in a transgendered relationship, it is often necessary for them to be strong. They must deal with issues that other women do not. Often, they don't find out about their partner's transgendered side until they are firmly entrenched in the relationship, and suddenly, their partner is not who they thought he was. He has another side to him, a side which traditional and societal values find odd, at best, and often declared perverted. Women in a TG relationship are suddenly forced to open their minds, to throw away past prejudices, to be willing to communicate and truly listen.
One might think that such a woman is at a disadvantage. I don't think so. A woman who must deal with her partner's femme side is actually at an advantage. Not only does she finally know the truth, she has the power to change her own way of thinking, to be truly intimate with this man, to grow within the relationship. She could find herself in a position of opening up herself totally, as he has himself. There is much opportunity to deepen the core of the relationship, to share and learn and love even more deeply. It is here that strength comes to the fore.
The danger is in the power. A woman, in her shock, frustration and fear, may choose not to open her mind and heart or to put aside prejudices, and will, instead, use her power to control him. She may choose to play "dirty" and use his guilt and fear to pander to her own needs. She will exercise power over him, and the relationship.
Of course, each relationship is different. Many relationships are not founded on a love that is capable of weathering the storms of life. There may be little communication, or jealousies, or no trust. There may be justified reasons for this. And the knowledge that their partner has kept one entire side of himself hidden may throw a woman over the edge. Her power becomes a sharpened, verbal knife, eager to cut to the bone.
However, this is the time for a woman to use her strengths of intelligence and emotional tenacity. It is time to use the gift of compassion, and a time to open the heart to the man she loves. She may never reach a point of total understanding, she may never be able to totally accept this side of him, but she can reach a point of loving enough to realize he cannot help who he is, that he cannot keep this part deeply hidden anymore, and that by forcing him to push this side back into the closets of his heart, it could actually destroy him and their relationship.
I am not espousing total acceptance by every wife and partner of a transgendered man. I am not declaring that every woman is the same. Rather, I am simply saying that using inner strengths to learn and try to understand are a small price to pay if you want your relationship to last and prosper. To close the mind and heart is to exert power over your partner at his most vulnerable point. To open the mind and the heart is to exert power for the relationship and for a woman's inner peace. The opportunity to share this truly intimate secret can be a blessing. For those women who can take it even farther, there is much enrichment to the relationship and intimacy. The key is to understand that there is co-creation in each relationship - two people, each with needs, and in a relationship where her partner is transgendered, the woman holds the key.
Will the key open the door to learning and growth, or will the key lock the door to the dark closet of guilt and fear for both partners?