Keeping Secrets

Jogged by a column in the Diablo Valley Girls newsletter "Devil Woman" I began to think about the question of whether crossdressers experience the bonding in sisterhood that women presumably do. This question embraces female crossdressers and the brotherhood they may seek.

In my experience of working with transgender clients of every stripe, I have observed that the sense of community that some crossdressers experience comes late in life, if at all, and only to the very lucky ones. Even those individuals who accept their transgender inclinations in their youth, rarely are comfortable or knowledgeable enough to seek out others who share their interests and needs. Non-transgendered women and men, on the other hand, learn early that those of their gender have much to teach them and almost instinctively gravitate to those like themselves.

However, male and female crossdressers often can not avail themselves of this experience. They frequently feel inadequate and unacceptable to those of their gender as well as to those of the opposite. The gender bonding experience may pass them by and they frequently report feelings such as "standing on the outside looking in," or "never belonging anywhere." By the time they learn of a community of individuals like themselves, many have accommodated to a lifestyle of self-sufficiency, independence and even isolation.

But is it too late once in adulthood to find and join a community of "brothers" or "sisters?" Successful gender-oriented organizations such as ETVC, DVG and FTM suggest that all through the life-cycle people yearn to belong, to fit in and to communicate with others like themselves. Whether or not they do so depends on many factors such as an available community, the presence of supportive individuals in the crossdresser's life, his/her social skills and motivation to risk coming out in an unfamiliar environment. Those of you who enjoy the experience of brother/sisterhood are indeed the lucky few - those of you still in the shadows may need more time, more help, and more courage.

Dr. Anderson is a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She can be reached at 415-776-0139. This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.