Jami Ward #1




Puppies

By Jami Ward

I've given away a lot of puppies in the past year or so. Not really, but that's how I have come to think of sharing secrets or inner private feelings with someone else. Let me explain that, or try to. The puppy concept grew out of my attempting several years ago to explain to my best friend what love meant to me. (You know these conversations. They usually take place in a bar somewhere.)

I told her that to me, love meant giving a piece of yourself to someone else and trusting them to keep it safe and not hurt it or lose it. I also explained that in doing that, there was an expectation of something in return - a similar piece from that other person. The discussion then evolved into one about the differentiation between loving someone and being IN love with someone. I love my friend very much - she's my best friend and an important part of my life - but I am in love with my spouse, who is a friend, too, but who IS my life. Following the theme of giving things away, I said that the differentiation was that you gave those you love a part of your heart, but you gave the one with whom you were in love not just your heart but also your soul for safekeeping forever.

So, where do the puppies come in?

Well, this metaphor of giving things away kind of took on a life of its own after that, and I came to associate it with intimacy, the real intimacy that comes from sharing a part of your life with someone. It happened while telling another friend about my transgenderism.

When I was done, she asked me if I were worried that she might use the knowledge that I had just shared with her in a way that might harm me - something that I truly had not even considered. And the puppy metaphor arrived at that moment. I explained to her that what I had just told her was something that I had given her, much as if I had just given her a puppy. First, I wouldn't have given her a puppy without knowing her very well - well enough to believe that she would take care of it and love it and not mistreat it. Second, unlike love, giving away the puppy implies nothing in return. It does imply a responsibility to the puppy, but not to the person giving it. Finally, if I was wrong about her and the puppy, I couldn't take the puppy back - I gave it to her and it's hers now. I'd like to think she could handle the responsibility of having the puppy, of having the intimate knowledge, that I gave her, but the important thing for us both to know is that I did give away something fragile into the keeping of someone else. If I have made a mistake, I have made a mistake that I cannot rectify, just as I can't bring the puppy back to life if she kills it.

Since then, the puppy metaphor has been repeated, either by me or by my friends, and has grown so that now it has become a private signal among us. Now, when one of us needs to talk about something very private or personal, or needs a shoulder to either lean on or cry on, we just say to another friend, "I have a puppy for you." This also serves to remind us both that this is not just talk, but a sharing and a responsibility that is not to be taken lightly. Yes, we gossip and bullshit and tell jokes and tell secrets, but beyond that, we sometimes take out the very valuable and very vulnerable parts of ourselves and show them to others who love us. For some of us now, those parts will always look like puppies.

Copyright © 1996 Jami Ward

Visit Jami's Home Page
Back to Transgender Forum's home page