TV Guide of the Future

By Stef Matthews


Given the proliferation of Transpeople in the media today and the explosion in the number of "specialty" cable channels it doesn't take too much of a warped mind to predict that in the near future we will have our own channel. Appropriately called, Transgendered Television, or T-TV for short. I stepped, daintily of course, into my time machine and slowly turned the dial forward. Sure enough, it didn't take long to find the channel that I imagined would exist one day. I glanced at the time calendar and it was on October 16, 2001 (A Tuesday if I recall). I was enthralled, but I knew that there would be more than a few skeptics in the crowd, so before I returned back to the present, I had the foresight to tear a page from the TV Guide.

  • Movie: On The Heels of a Murderer (2000, Made for TV) A police detective, while investigating a murder, follows the only clue, a muddy footprint of a size 12 stiletto. Starring John Travolta and Dame Edna.
  • Comedy: Friends Ross fills in at the coffee shop for Rachael and is hit on by his sister’s new boyfriend (Patrick Stewart).

  • Sports: NBA Finals Color commentator: Denise Rodman.
  • Drama: Rescue 911 A young drag queen needs paramedics help as she super-glues her fingers to her kitchen table when a flood threatens her wardrobe. Luckily she dials 9-1-1 by throwing her breast forms at the phone (no one ever dies on this show!)
  • Movie: The Tootsie (1996, ««) An aging cross dresser travels back in time to protect the mother of Virginia Prince.

  • Comedy: All In The Family, The Lost Episodes The real reason Mike and Gloria split up.
  • News: Barbara Walters Interviews RuPaul confesses to being the 60’s love child of Diana Ross and Andy Warhol. Sylvia Stalone recalls her action hero movie days. Cher recounts her honeymoon with President Bono.
  • Comedy: Life’s a Bleach Pamela Anderson, Harry Anderson, Cheech Marin, Arthur Anderson

  • Movie: Ramboette II (1998, «) Sylvia Stalone.
  • Comedy: America’s Funniest Bloopers and Practical Jokes The penalty for double parking in front of the Biber Clinic.

  • Sports: Drag Racing Live from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.
  • Movie: While You Were Sleeping II (1997, ««) A handsome young executive awakes to the surprise of his life after falling asleep while at a styling salon getting his hair trimmed. Starring: Adrian Pasdar and Zsa Zsa Gabor.
  • Biography: J. Edgar Hoover: The Closet Years Never before seen home movies of Nixon and Hoover at a support group meeting at a bar in Georgetown.
  • Comedy: Bosom Buddies Reunion Tom Hanks and Peter Scalari review the out takes from T-TV’s longest running comedy.
  • Movie: Batman Reverses (1999, «««) Batman, Robin and Batgirl battle the evil Dr. Chango (John Leguazamo) after he unleashes his SRS raybeam on all of Gotham City. Starring Sandra Bullock, Rosie O’Donnell and Paul Ruebens.
  • Drama: America Undercover: Born to Run This episode exposes L’eggs, Hanes and other companies in a conspiracy that costs CD’s millions every year. Also, Ed Wood: Man or Myth?
  • Movie: Mrs. Doubtfire II - The Operation (1996, ««««) After the courts rule against Daniel he decides to try and have his own children.
  • News: The 5 O'clock Shadow News, weather and fashion updates.
  • Drama: Baywatch The beach is closed after numerous accidents involving bikini waxing. Starring Dolly Parton, Don Rickles and Kato Kaelin.
  • Move: Lethal Weapon XIV ( 1999, «««) Two undercover cops investigate a serial killer who’s bizarre murder weapon is a brassiere, size 32A. Starring Melanie Gibson and Danielle Glover.
  • Sci/Fi: The Nail-Files Special Agents Foxy Muldoon and Diva Scurvy are lead on a wild goose chase in western Nebraska by their mysterious informant "Pantylines"
  • Drama: Greenwich Village Undercover Two prostitutes disguise themselves as police officers to trap a purse-snatcher that is terrorizing the city.
  • Talk: The Sally Jessie Oprah Phil Geraldo Montel Jerry Raphael Show
    The trouble with multiple SRS operations is explored.
  • Drama/Mystery: The Eye Shadow Private detective, Max Factor, accepts the toughest case of his career. But where is he going to keep all of the clothes?
  • Horror: The Texas She Saw Mascara (1998 TG-13): A maniacal family turns their frustrations with false eyelashes into an horrific spree at a drug store. Starring Brandy Pitt, Tim Curry, and special appearance by Tammy Faye Baker as "The Painter."
  • Drama: The Young and The Dressless Maria and Justine arrive back from their New York Business trip early only to surprise their husbands, Josephine and Daphne.
  • Drama: Gender Clinic ER After an accidental overdose of estrogen, Carter believes he is Roseanne Barr Arnold McDugall Smith Jones Doe.
  • Action: Mortal Compact, The Series The Trannie Mutant Ninja Girls disagree with the Powder Rangers over the shade of lipstick the combined groups should wear.
  • Sci/Fi: Star Trek: The Next Genderation Commander Data installs a new "gender chip" from Frederick's of Gamma Quadrant much to the dismay of his wife, Counselor Toasteroven.
  • Movie: Naked Gun 36C (1998 «««) Francine Drebin comes to the rescue of a former football star who is wrongly acquitted of murder. Starring Lesley Kneelsome and the late O.J. Simpson.

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