Letter For A Frightened Woman

By Evonne Alford


Dear Susannah,

Many thanks for sending your post to me. You know that I've been reading your correspondence with my Emily, and I've got some sense of how terribly troubled both you and your spouse are feeling. I'd like to help if I can, especially her. She's not the first spouse of a transgendered person to whom I've reached out. This letter is for her, even though I'm sending it through you.

First, let me reassure you that I am exceedingly discreet. I am a trained counsellor, and I've lived with my husband's transgenderism for as long as we've known each other. I know that he is a lot happier with himself now, because of the many long talks we have had about the woman whom he partly is.

Let me also say that I am a perfectly heterosexual woman myself. I have to say that because sometimes (from the genetic woman's point of view) it feels either that her own womanhood is lacking or as if her transgendered spouse might be asking for a Lesbian relationship. If two people work matters out that way and are happy, great. I don't think, though, that it's what your own spouse wants, and it's not my situation either. I am not still with my husband because I find his being transgendered sexually thrilling, but because I love him with all my heart and my guts.

I fell in love with him before he told me (in hot sweats and panic) about himself. It was not long after we met, and maybe part of him expected me to reject him. I can remember that I felt very shocked--who wouldn't? But I was not repulsed, and I did not reject. I told him that it was all right, that it was what he what he was given. "It's you," were my words. So what could I do to change it?

You see, Susannah, it is not what we have that makes us good or bad people. It is what we do with it. At the very start you gave your spouse the same precious gift that mine gave to me, knowledge of yourself. You were honest with her, and that means that half the issue is already resolved. You do not have some terrible secret to hide from her. She KNOWS.

But she is very unhappy. It's years since you told her, but it's also years since the issue was last raised between you. She clearly had hoped that what you told her had been rectified, and she had come to believe that it would never come back. Now it has returned, and by your own statement it's not just a matter of dressing. You realize--and she realizes it too--that you would rather be a woman. She is virtually bereaved. She feels like the person she loves might die. And she is very confused.

Really, do you blame her? No, I don't think you do. I think that you are woman enough yourself to appreciate what she is feeling. That's at least part of what you are feeling. You see, even I had problems adjusting to the fact that my husband is a special person, during the first few months after he told me about Emily, and after I first saw her. (I had to laugh, in fact. He was trying to deny her at the time by wearing a scraggly beard. It made him look unkempt as himself and just plain silly in a skirt. Fortunately, he laughed along with me. I was really glad when he shaved it off.)

I remember spending long hours talking to him about it. I wanted to know more. "What is it like to feel the way you do," I would ask. I wanted to know if the desire was there all the time, or whether it came and went, like my having periods. I wanted to know most of all whether it would affect the way he felt about me.

Sometimes I felt afraid, and sometimes I even felt jealous. I was afraid that he would turn to the female within him for comfort when he got uptight, instead of to me. Sometimes he would need to dress, try to repress it, get frustrated by the self-denial, and then get upset with me. When he did that, it would hurt a lot, as if he was afraid to trust me, and I would get very emotional myself. We had a lot of issues to resolve, and I had a lot to learn. So I asked lots and lots of questions. I realized before he did (or before he accepted it) that all other things being equal he would rather be a woman. But I realized too that he loves me and that Emily would not want to achieve full, all-the-time, bodily womanhood at the price of hurting me and destroying what we have. She has told me so, and I believe her.

I feel comfortable with myself now in relation to Emily. I feel accepting enough of my husband's specialness to not be bothered by it any more. It's just there. He has assured me that he will always be the husband I married and wanted and that I will always be the wife that he married and wanted. Emily and I have become very, very good friends. Once, years ago, I did get badly upset with her, when she swore at me. I told her so. If I was going to accept her as a lady, I wanted her to act like I would act myself. I told her so and that was that, finished. Of course I get upset with my husband sometimes (like most men, he can do some really dumb things.) But I let him know at all times that I love him, which I do, intensely.

What Emily knows about makeup and conducting herself in public, she learned from me. She has a good wardrobe, but not at the expense of my own. My husband would not allow that. That is good both for my own sense of myself as his wife, and for his sense of obligation and love for his family. If I go shopping and I see something Emily would like, or that I think she would look nice in, I buy it for her. I like doing that. It's a sign of the special closeness that we both value. But I shop with the same pleasure for my daughters and my husband too.

I think that what I am trying to say is that trust, honesty, openness, oneness, andf above all mutual respect form the basic ingredients for a marriage such as ours to work. (Of course, they form the basic ingredients in any good marriage). I know from your own postings how intensely you are feeling now that Susannah must be herself, and how disturbing you find it to feel that way. I know you are getting help, and I'm glad that you are. I also know how strongly you value your wife and your marriage. I am not telling you, or your wife, to do it our way, but you do have to figure out your own way. The issue is out, and you can't repress it again. She wouldn't believe you if you tried. You have to talk to her. There is lots to talk about.

If you find talking difficult, try writing it down. Write a letter to her about the issues that you find so hard. Remember that she feels very vulnerable right now. She is in competition with another woman for her husband, which is a horrible feeling, and the woman is yourself. There is no contest, if Susannah really wants to win, and she realizes that. But she wants to understand. It's why she is trying to talk to you, and why she is seeking help herself. Women do talk about things that bother us. We don't bottle it up, like men, until our hearts burst or our stomachs turn to ulcers. So talk.

I want to help--you know that. I want to help her, especially, because I appreciate how she feels. She can talk safely to me, in the sure knowledge that whatever she says it won't get back to either Emily or you. Whatever you and she do is up to the two of you, in the end. But I will say that I know you love each other, and that you both know what you would lose if you come apart. Whatever happens I'm cheering for you--the entirety of you--and for her.

Take care, Susannah

Evonne


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