I started going to a psychologist in the mid 80's. There I decided with her help that I was and am a transsexual. She suggested that I try hormones which I did. This was the best thing that ever happen to me!! The one catch to this was I was dating a woman at the time and had been for a few years. After talking it over with my doctor I decided to tell her about me, well it didn't go over all that well. But she decided to stay with me.
One thing I didn't tell her was that I was taking hormones. I took hormones for about a year and saw many changes. One was my complete lack of interest in sex. After about a year I gave up the hormones and we got married and still am to this day. Just yesterday I went back to the doctor and started on hormones again. I am so excited ! I can't wait for the changes in my body to start. I have started wearing panties and camisoles and have waxed my legs. My wife doesn't know and I don't know how to tell her, but this time I am determined to follow my feelings all the way to throwing out all my pants and male clothes and wearing only panties, stockings, skirts and dresses, right up to S.R.S. Does anyone out there have any suggestions or similar experiences ??
(Letter Two) After reading many of the letters and comments on this forum I would like to subscribe but am a bit worried about mail coming as I haven't had the courage to tell my wife again, and that she may stumble across mail in my mail box.
I'm just not sure how to tell her as I think it would destroy her world and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. Yet I do know that our relationship is poor at best because I can not be a complete person, and because of the hormones I have no interest in sex (which see wants) but I can not give her because I so want to be a women and make love as a women not a man. I have so much at stake in my life and career that I will lose when I come out that I am scared to death!!!!
I know that since I am now on hormones and plan to stay on them for the rest of my life that it is only a matter of time before I won't be able to hide the changes in my body anymore. A question I have is how long normally before the effects of estrogen take over the effects of testesterone to the point that you look more like a women than a man. This I am look very forward to but am not sure at all how to handle it socially. You see I live in a very small community (500 people) where I am one of the top 5 people in the community's major businesses, plus I am on two important boards. This I believe will all have to change when I come out, as I know I won't be excepted here as women. This I have yet to come to terms with. Can you help with any sugestions on any of these things ??? Thanks so much for every thing ,
Elizabeth
Dear Liz:
Thank you for your two letters. I see huge clouds on your horizon and much of it is going to be of your own making. One of the biggest sins in marriage is lack of honesty; you are living that sin right now and it is so unfair to her. It will not be long before your wife notices your waxed legs, followed by your breast development. She will be less happy with your not telling her than what you have actually done or are doing.
You have no sex life now and you say she wants it. There are many ways to "have" sex without copulation and they can be very satisfying. You may call that making love woman to woman, but many men make love to their wives that way because they cannot perform in the usual fashion . . . where is your wife in all of this?
I would encourage you (both) to return to a counselor to see if you can save the vestiges of you marriage if that is still important. One thing though, most wives will not stay with their mates after a sex change. The fact that you live in a small community exacerbates this problem; she will be embarrassed in your community by your actions as she will feel that it degrades her reputation as well.
The second storm on your horizon is your reputation in your community, business and socially. How you handle all this will effect your chances of surviving personally and financially. Step all over your wife and do what you "feel," community be damned and your life will make the movie, "Twister," look tame.
What you want to do (and are doing) is not inherently wrong or bad. It is the manner in which you do it. Have concern for your wife's needs as well as your community. If you live in the mid-west, it may never work (sorry to all you mid- western readers) and you may need to relocate. But, 'scuse me, your focus seems to be you and your feelings and I would suggest a more balanced focus even with SRS in mind. Here again, talk these issues out with your counselor and your wife.
You are scared to death. That's normal and okay. You are about to turn your life upside down. You can weather these storms. Just do it with dignity. When they subside you may find that your landscape has materially changed and that's okay, too! The good news is that the transition will exciting. You are going to become what you have always known you should be . . . Your breasts will probably develop and reach maturity (you asked) in 18 to 24 months although it could take up to a three years. You should start to notice changes in a couple of weeks in the form of tenderness and mass development . . . ever so slow at first. Look at the females in your family as your size will parallel theirs in all likelihood.
I hope this helps you. I did not intentionally try to be unkind . . . sometimes it is easier to see things more clearly from the outside looking in. Good luck. Rachael
ear Rachael:
My name is Nikol Monique Anne. I subscribed to TG Forum yesterday. I
think it's a very important step for me. I sent some questions to Cindy Martin,
but she wrote me that you can answer some of my questions.
Well, I am a nice and sexy lady with penis and breasts. My age is 35. I knew my sexual identity before 2 years old. I like my situation very much. My dream is to be more feminine....make my breasts bigger..and so....on... I don't think I will have SRS surgery. I like being a beautiful lady with breasts ad penis. I think this is the ideal woman! Dear Rachel, what is the definition for girl like me? Do you have any GIRLS like me on yourTG Forum? Please help me. I would like find GIRLS like me over all the world! Do you think it's okay to think as I am thinking ? Please me as I need your's answers and I have more questions..... Love, Nikol Monique Anne
Dear Nikol:
I suspect that you have some problems which English. I rewrote your letter and apologize if I changed the meaning from what you intended to say. Last things first. Hon, send me your questions, tell me more about yourself. How did you develop breasts, when, how old were you then, do you go out, etc.?
It is not wrong to think as you do. In fact there are many transgendered (TG) males who have both breasts and a penis, like you. Hormones will do that to you. While it is a li'l unusual to want to keep the penis, there is nothing wrong with that. Most people would not call such an arrangement the "perfect woman" but you may. Given the choice, I think that the T.G., having developed breasts is leaning towards TS and would gladly give up the other part so that she could be a true woman. That does not make her right and you wrong. This is just the way life is . . . we are all different.
I cannot find a soul mate for you. That is something that you have to do. Someone is out there for you . . . just keep looking on this and other forums. Rachael
ear Rachael:
I really need someone to talk to right now about my sexuality and I'd be grateful if you'd answer some of my questions? I am a male 21 years old. I been a heterosexual all my life (and still am). But somehow, I feel this intense desire to wear sexy woman's outfits (such as mini skirt, full length gloves, stockings, panties, etc.....) and I wanna writhe like a woman. But I'm very repulsed by men sexually. To put it simply, I feel like a Lesbian. Am I CRAZY OR WHAT !? I'm not even a gay but a lesbian !
My desire isn't driving me crazy but is fairly intense. I can either restrain my desire for the rest of my life or go on with what I feel like (that is becoming a woman !?). What do you think that I should do !? I have many male friends so I am not a man hater or something. Also, does anyone actually do SRS? Does it actually do anything great to his/her life ? or do they live miserably there after ? And how much does the surgery cost? I'd greatly appreciate it if u could answer these questions....
Dear Ming:
You are not crazy. If you want a "label" then this one suits you from what you have written: "Transvestite." You are probably turned on by what your mirror tells you and by the way all of that sexy stuff feels like. That can be a very wonderful and powerful feeling. You probably make love to the woman within you. All of that is okay. In fact it has been determined that cross dressers are not crazy . . . there is no psychological diagnosis for cross dressing.
And no, you need not be a man hater or lesbian to enjoy doing as you are doing. In all probability though, these feelings will not go away and may become more intense. You may find that there is a need to dress more frequently, venture out into the public world as your female self. You arousal level may diminish when dressed and turn into feelings of calmness, rightness and congruity with your mind's image of whom you really are.
Yes people really do SRS. It's expensive ($10-20k). You may even be headed in that direction some day. From what you have shared, though, you are not even close to considering that. If all this is hard for you to come to grips with, perhaps a li'l scary that's okay too. A counselor could help you deal effectively in accepting yourself as the fine person you really are. Rachael