A Woman's Approach: Be HonestBy Kristy's Wife This was written in response to a CD sister who is in the process of "coming out". She had just recently told her wife with less than favorable results so my wife thought a letter from a real woman might help. --Kristy Being the wife of a CD, I can relate to what you and your wife are going through now. I thought you might like to hear a wife's perspective so you may understand a little of what your own wife is going through. Though she may not agree entirely with my point of view (and who on this earth does think exactly like someone else?), I'll bet she is experiencing some of the same thoughts and feelings. Now, before I start, I want you to know that I don't think less of you because you are a cross-dresser. My own husband is a CD and I happen to think he is a terrific guy! Actually, CDs are quite brave because they have the courage to be what they are despite society's condemnation. And CDs that "go public" are facing their fears head-on; how many people in this world can say the same thing? So as you read this letter, don't think that I am accusing or scolding you. My husband didn't tell me he was a CD until about 3 months after we married, and even then he didn't really tell me. He just said that he liked to wear women's pantyhose and shoes "occasionally". I should have figured it out myself when I came home from work and saw him with a pair of women's pumps in his hand. But even then he didn't confess; he said he bought the shoes for me. When I said I didn't wear Size 10, he only said that he "forgot my size." I guess where much of my anger stems from goes back to when we first were engaged. Kristy made a big point of saying we should talk over "everything" before marriage so there would be no surprises that could cause problems (marriage is important to both of us) later on. Well, obviously he knew he was a CD so he purposely didn't tell me. To me that is very deceptive, and something that could definitely cause serious problems in a marriage. He should have told me! A CD really is almost like two people: the male side and the feminine side. Because CDs have a need to express this (some quite often), it is like living with two people. How would Kristy have liked it if 3 months after we married I told him, "Gee, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I have a guy in my life. He'll be coming over everyday, morning and night, including vacations. Of course, I'll be spending money on him; you know, clothes, toiletries, etc. It will be several thousand dollars over a lifetime, but I'll try to shop sales only. He'll be a part of us for the rest of our lives together; I just can't make him go away!" Kristy wouldn't have liked it at all, but it's very similar to what CDs do to their wives when they don't tell them about it before marriage. A very hard fact for wives to accept is that a CD cannot and will not change, which forces the spouse to change. That is very unfair to do to someone, and puts a lot of the burden of making the marriage work on the wife. Oh, a CD can vow to give it up, and he may succeed for a while, but eventually he'll start up again. He may secretly get a locker somewhere to store his feminine clothes, and then he'll find excuses to go out. He'll find excuses (with increasing frequency) to be away from home, causing his wife to wonder what's going on; is he having an affair? Or he may travel out-of-town, where he can indulge himself. Perhaps he'll look forward to being away from home more than being home. Eventually, he'll travel more and more, which will cause rifts in the marriage. All this will become so stressful that it is bound to cause major problems. The CD, over time, will become resentful at not being able to express his feminine side at home. So that is what I mean about the burden weighing on the wife. Either she accepts it, or eventually the marriage will crumble. A wife should be the one to decide if she wants shoulder this burden, and not be thrown into it. If a wife does decide that she will try to make the marriage work, that is a giant step, but only the first of many. A CD needs to give his wife time to adjust; after all, he himself probably spent years accepting this fate. He must realize it could take his wife that many herself to fully understand and accept it. But please don't confuse accept with like. While I have accepted this in my husband and understand it is something that is beyond his control (and mine), I would be ECSTATIC if tomorrow he woke up and this part of him was past. That is not to say that I won't continue to support him, but I will probably never really like it. However, I must admit that there are good parts to this. His eye is improving on what goes together so that I can ask his opinion if something looks good together (although I think he is HOPELESSLY colorblind!) He is a big help around the house with household chores, probably doing more than me, and the male side of him is good at fixing "man" things. I guess the only remaining thing that I worry a bit about is that Kristy is holding something back, something that I won't like. Because he never really told me everything up front, and because he writes that he hopes I will "slowly get used to" this or that, I feel he is stringing me along. He wants to shave his arms, so right now he only shaves up a little past his wrists. Next year will he be wanting to shave all his arm? The following year will he be wanting to shave his legs, maybe just above the knee? I'm wondering, when I'm 40 or 50 will he spring something big on me that will be too much to bear? Will he be wanting to live out some fantasy, such as what would it be like to make love to another CD? Men seem to have some fascination with two women having sex. (CDs and non-CDs alike!) Then I will be middle-aged and facing divorce. (Unfaithfulness is unforgivable, especially if he cheats with another man.) So my greatest advice to you is to be completely honest with your wife, because if you aren't then it could have a terrible effect on your life. I know this letter is but I hope it is of some help. |