Dear Rachael,


It appears that we have some things in common.

I too was in Vietnam, with 10 years active duty. Due to wounds in combat I was not able to stay for the 20 years that I wanted. I was a COP as well, for 21 and 1/2 years when I retired (again from wounds in the line of duty). I have always had a lingerie fetish ever sense I can remember. It began when I was in grade school and my mother sent me to school in my sisters satin panties. When I was a police officer, I can into contact with TV's, CD's and Ts's many times. I had some feel for what they felt, but not completely. I began a personal research program by first having private conversations with some of these people to try to understand them. It became more and more of a mystery to me as time went on. I could fairly understand them as people but their cross dressing was still a puzzle.

Like any good researcher, I finally found that for me to fully understand the what, why, where, who, when and how, I had to try it for myself.

Fortunately, when I asked my wife for help, she was very, very supportive. I began by dressing at home in all kinds of lingerie. What I couldn't use of my wife's, we purchased for me. I found at first that it was purely a sexual feeling and the love making between my wife and myself became more frequent and more intense. Soon my wife began to use her wigs and make up to make me a complete woman before each of our love sessions. Soon we purchased my own wigs and other items and some clothing that fit me. I began to spend hours "dressed up" at home. Fully and completely from panties, garter belt and nylons, bra (stuffed), slip and all. I wore dresses, skirts and blouses, etc. My wife taught me how to walk in heels (really tough) to how to walk like a woman, talk like a woman, the works. After approximately 6 or 7 months of home dressing, we finally decided to try going out.

The first time was so nerve wracking that I though I would die. But, it worked out and we have been out many times sense as "sisters","cousins", friends, etc. I finally became aware of the one fact that had escaped me before. That was that every man has a feminine side. Most do not want to acknowledge that fact, but it is there none the less. I have found that my relationships with other women, my wife and other TV/CD people have become more close and understanding.

Paula

Dear Paula:

Wow, another very positive letter. You know that many TVs would die to have a wife like yours; how much fun you two must have together as lovers and girl friends. I think I am jealous, Smile! You are right, of course. In every man the is woman and visa versa. For most of us TVs, TGs, etc there seems to be more than our fair share of the opposite gender. For some there would be no hesitation to live as the opposite sex. You seem to have hit a nice balance for YOU. Good for you! Rachael

Dear Rachael:
I really do not know where to begin....but as for myself, my sex gender is male, but ever since I was a child, I had this urge to dress as a female....I fought against that desire for the longest time, but having the desire of being female has the tendency to creep back into my life here and there. As I was growing up, I used to put on my mother's dress, from underwear to bra to makeup and heels...I feel comfortable and secure....I did that for several years until I outgrew my mother's wardrobe....

All I can do now, is fantasize.....I need your advice and knowledge to help me out because I really do not know anyone who can help me in this area.....

Ming

Dear Ming:

Easiest way is to get you name on the female catalog lists. How to do that? Well, some TV forums list the catalog names and addresses OR you can by Ladies Home Journal of another lady's magazine and look inside for catalog offers. Most good catalogs list sizing instructions. Good Luck! Rachael

Dear Rachael:
I have recently embarked on HRT and hope to begin my RLT the early part of 1997. Being very tall, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my transsexualism. My wife is aware of the path I am treading and she has decided to support me for as long as possible. She still has to meet the real me, Fiona, and until recently referred to her as 'the other woman.' Thinking about that she is probably correct as Fiona has come between us and could eventually break up our long wonderful marriage.

The reason for this letter is basically to ask for advice as I find preparing for RLT a little difficult. Although we live in a fairly large house about six years ago we had my wife's elderly mother to live with us after the death of her husband. This together with the difficulty my wife has in dealing with Fiona has somewhat stunted my development and having the misfortune in not having any TS-support group in the area life is becoming somewhat frustrating. I have thought of renting a small flat in the area as a 'bolt-hole' but would be interested in hearing how other people in a similar position dealt with their dilemma. All possible suggestions would be welcome to overcome the impediment. My mother-in-law will have to know about me a sometime but now is not the time - I need to improve my image and voice. I have been out in public a few times and seemed to have attracted very little, if any, attention. Regarding the question of height, I'm 6'5", I have been told by a very good e-mail friend who is tall and post-op that it all comes down to attitude and being better than the average ts. This is the maxim I am now trying to adopt - 'It's ATTITUDE not ALTITUDE.' Smile! With apologies to Ralph Waldo Emerson, 'It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no-one can seriously help another without helping themselves'.

Fiona Scott.

Dear Fiona:

I am not to sure how sound any advise that I can offer would be. So first off, let's just throw it out there to the readers. Anyone have some ideas? Secondly, run the dilemma by your psychologist; you're probably paying her big bucks. Thirdly (and then I'll shut-up), If you cannot practice living at home as a woman now, you are no where ready to take the next steps. Sorry, but mother has to know and you have to get on with your life. Question for you, though . . . . Just how long is your wife going to "hang in" there. That's something that you should be discussing with her NOW! P.S. Love your maxim and quote. Good luck, Rachael

Dear Rachael:
Thank the gods of the universe that I have found this forum.

I discovered it late Friday PM (May 31st), immediately subscribed and even made my first posting to "were you born TG?" An emphatic YES! And I wouldn't have it any other way if I could. Susan is the better half of me and I would miss her terribly is she should ever go away. Unless, of course, I could press a button and turn into a GG. Or enter a machine and come out the other end as a GG.

Please excuse me if I start to run on but it is a relief to *finally* be able to talk about it with someone. This is the very first time I have ever admitted to anyone other than myself that I was TG and I'm a bit nervous about it. Almost as nervous as the first time I entered a lingerie shop (not even 'dressed!) to buy some things for myself many years ago. I soon overcame that nervousness and shopping became routine. Routine, but still exciting and wonderful!

I *knew* early on that I was supposed to be a girl and was not even 4 when I announced to my parents that my name was Suzy. They apparently thought that was cute and let it go. I tried several more times over the next 4 years to make them really listen to what I was saying but they remained non-responsive. There were never any recriminations, I was never scolded, ridiculed, made to feel ashamed or punished--a remarkably tolerate attitude on their part for the early 1940's!

I suppose they thought it was just a phase was going through and would soon outgrow it. We all know that you do not outgrow this, rather, the feelings strengthen with time. I finally gave up and keep things to myself. By then I had started to raid my mother's lingerie draw and soon was trying on her dresses, skirts and blouses whenever they were out. Sometimes even in the middle of the night if something had been left in the bathroom. It just felt right and I was very comfortable in her things but wished I had my own to wear. This continued right up until the time I left to enter the service(!). My parents never did catch me despite the many chances I took during those years at home. Did I subconsciously hope they would catch me? Probably. I had to relegate Susan to those sleep-time fantasies that occur between the time you turn the lights out and actually fall asleep, only allowing her to surface while I was home on leave. It was just too risky to my career to do otherwise or keep anything in my off-base quarters; I would have lost my clearances and career if anything had happened.

My grandmother *did* catch me (I think) once while I was home on leave. I was in the bedroom and had just put on one of my mother's dresses, a bra and a slip and was admiring myself in the mirror when she walked in the front door. I saw her and she had to have seen me before I could get the bedroom door closed. I hurriedly put my own things on and went into the living room expecting the worst and was somewhat relieved when she didn't say anything about it. Had she not seen me or did she already know or suspect that I was cross dressing and didn't see any need to mention what she had seen? I'll never know. My next biggest fear was that she'd tell my mother when she came home that night and the waiting for the ax to fall was not very pleasant. Nothing happened for several days and I began to feel both relieved and a bit disappointed that she had not confronted me so that we could have sat down and discussed it at last. I had long since come to terms with myself and was quite comfortable personally with being TG and I probably should have brought it up myself in the end but this was then the late 1950's and I was afraid (too embarrassed?) to bring it out in the open unless she mentioned it first. What a shame neither of us said anything but maybe she did not know.

I have no overt feminine mannerisms or physical characteristics other than being slim (at that time) and having slender arms and wrists (still have both of those) common to females, allowing me to *'pass as a male*. Yes, *pass* for a male, for this is how I have always seen myself.

I am retired now, single, and have two draws full of lingerie, a few skirts and tops; it's hard to find a proper-fitting dress when you're 6'-2", the upper body proportions are all wrong. Susan is finally able to come and go as she pleases--at home. I have only gone out once dressed and that was late at night, in my car for a long drive around the interstate highway system that encircles our city. It was felt wonderful to finally go out in a skirt and all but there is no way that I would ever 'pass' in a very public situation so Susan is a stay-at-home girl. Not that that is all bad, mind you. I sleep in a nightgown, bra and pettipants every night and spend several hours every day as Susan while I do some work around the house or on my computer (smiles!). I reserve at least one Sunday every month (Today! SMILES!) as an "all girl" day from the time I get up in the morning until I go to bed that night . . . in my nightgown. I often wear petti-pants and thigh-tops under my jeans when I'm out, especially for their added warmth during the winter months. This is probably as close as I'll come to 'going out' these days.

Looking back through past forums last night I noticed some who spoke of role models. Mine, outside of the family and close friends (none of whom know I'm TG) are Debbie Reynolds, Shirley Jones and Doris Day for the 'girl next door' types. Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn and Jacqueline Kennedy were to me the 'quintessential ladies'. All 6 are/were ladies in every sense of the word, at least in their public personas, whether dressed in gowns or jeans with a smudge of dirt on the tip of their noses. These are the ladies I would hope to emulate if I were still young enough to consider SRS (sigh). I've always believed that if you want to world to see you as a lady you must dress and behave in a ladylike manner at all times. Not that a lady can't be bitchy or catty at times just as long as she doesn't overdo it.

Would I change anything? Yes, but not what I am. I would hope for a live and let live world that would accept us for what we are: fellow human beings, nothing more, nothing less.

One last comment: I saw a young mother in the super market yesterday wearing a form fitting (and she had the form to fit it!) sheath of a small, pastel floral pattern. She had a figure anyone of us would kill for. I watched her as she walked away with a very feminine sway of her hips, hating her (meow, meow!) and wishing for a body like hers that I could wear in public as a TG or GG (smiles and sighs!!).

Thanks for being here for all of us, especially for those of us who have been out here in the wilderness by ourselves for so long. I'm still a bit nervous but it is wonderful to talk about this with others who do understand.

Susan Thatcher

Dear Susan:

I am happy for you. You seem to have come to grips with who you are in a very positive way. Your mental health bubbles with your femininity in your expressiveness. Oh, yes, thanks for the kind words, too. Rachael


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