Dear Rachael,



Got something on your mind? Would you like to talk it over with Rachael? Drop a line to Cindy and she'll get your story to Rachael.


this is my first time here.

I have done a ton or research into gender reassignment in the last 3 days. I'm pondering all of this and don't know how to start. I guess it's different for everybody, huh!. I'm elated... Perhaps happy for the first time in my life.

Here is a short version of it. I have to see it in print I guess.. First off I am not a CD or TV or gay. Just got a nice, sweet girl trapped inside.. So you can tell me if my story is 'normal' or 'strange', excuse the words. I only mean them to try and define my direction. Well, I did the dress up thing when I was little. Mom didn't mind. Then I just stopped. I never even admitted that to 'me' til now :)

By 13 I had designed in my mind the perfect girl. Every one I have met since then I tried to mold into her. Then it hit me a few days ago. That is the real me... I always denied my feminine self and became big, rough, tough and crude..Then one day I left that image and began to 'feel'. I knew there was something to it. I always made female clothing for girlfriends and dressed them up in the styles I like.

Now I'd like to meet someone who has been through the operation so I can get a further perspective, and probably ask some dumb questions along with the intellectual ones. But the personality change in the last year is incredible. I'm not crazy anymore...

Thank You,
Crissa

Dear Crissa:

You never were crazy, hon! You hid all your tenderness inside for all those years because it was not manly to have those feelings. Your cover? You became big, rough, tough and crude, cause that's what you supposed that what real men are supposed to do. You projected your feminine feelings and desires onto your lady friends and found some comfort in that.

I am not convinced you are not a TV or TS nor am I convinced that you are. I think you are exploring that question or really, who you want to be. If the girl inside you is really you, let her out. TV's, often choose manly endeavors, becoming Engineers, Cops, Firemen, CEOs, Military Officers, tough and rough, ad nauseam, in an attempt to be outwardly manly. The sad part is that they (including me) bury their real feelings for such a long time that they can end up feeling crazy. When I finally opened that deep dark door and let the light shine in I became elated and for the first time, happy. The closet is a very lonely place and you have been hiding some of your best garments there . . . your feminine feelings!

So where do you go from here? You say you want to talk to a transsexual. I guess I would ask why? While there absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just makes me wonder what your feelings are. Do you suspect or fear that you might be headed that direction? The answer to that question is in the missing chapter. You are on the right track though. Talk to real people on this forum. Leave your "personal" here and include your E-mail address so others can share their experiences with you and you with them.

While you are very happy now, you may not always be happy with or understand your new found self. Please do not think that it is less than manly to talk things out with a professional in the transgender community. Meantime, enjoy! Rachael


Dear Cindy:

Please pass this letter on to Rachael and all others who would care to hear what a "straight" person feels when told that her good friend and neighbor is not who she has believed him to be for four years.

Last Saturday evening my husband's and my good friends invited myself and another neighbor (gay gentleman)over for dinner. My husband was unable to attend as is in a nursing home fighting desperately for the continuation of his life. My husband and I have know our neighbors for 4 years now. We have gone to movies together, shared cocktails on our patios, shared our anger and frustrations about our children, their successes too, our work issues that drive everyone crazy like bosses, co-workers, politics in the work place etc. I am sure you all know what type of friendship I am talking about. Someone that you can count on when the chips are down. They also cook the best Mongolian meal on the West coast. Anyway back to basics.... After numerous cocktails my neighbor took me downstairs to his office and introduced me to Rachael. Four years prior I had questioned the feminine name on his license plate and he said, "someday I'll explain it to you." When he showed me the pictures of Rachael on his bookshelf, I thought it was his sister because it looked so much like him. I made some comment like boy you to sure do look alike and then he told me that Rachael was really him. My heart sunk to my shoes then my head kicked in and I said to myself so???? This is no different than your gay friends. I put my arms around him and gave him a hug to let him know that I accepted him know matter who or what he was.

We continued to have the most wonderful open discussion over desert with my gay friend understanding and sharing feelings and emotions with them like I could not. A new bond was created between them that I could not share. This was ok because my friendship with them was on a different level.

After dinner and muuuuuch talk I returned to my home where I lay in bed alone thinking about the evening. CONFUSED, ANGRY, SAD, HURT are not all the words to explain who I was feeling. I have several "gay" friends of which one is my soul mate, I can accept them as they are why was I having such a hard time accepting Rachael? Was it that he was different? I couldn't put him in any pigeon hole in my mind.. Was it that I was afraid that I was going to lose my dear male friend? I don't want to meet Rachael at this point....was it that I felt betrayed? we have known each other for four years..not a word. What was I feeling? It wasn't disgust, it wasn't fear or was (is) it? The only fear that I can identify at this point is the fear of losing my male friend. I am very confused and don't want this to change our relationship at all..I think..I am unable to share this with my husband because he is to ill and also I do not fell he would understand.

Will time alter my confusion? People say time does wonders, but do I really want to meet his other self. I have been told that I don't have to meet her but isn't that denying a part of my friend that exists. As several people I know say " What's a girl to do?"

I think I am willing to read and try to understand and learn about this part of my world that I have never been exposed to before but right now with everything else going on I don't have the energy to really pay attention to the feelings, confusion, rejection etc. that cross gender people must be experiencing. I am not concerned about what others feel, but only about what I and my friend feel. I do love and care about my neighbor a lot. I do not want to lose him. I keep assuring him and his wife that everything is ok but inside things HAVE changed. I hope that I am a good enough person to love all of him and I pray he gives me time to do so. I send my best wishes for a better understanding world to all people that society has marked "different". The one thing I love about my neighbor and my husband is that they aren't quite plumb. I love you neighbor please give me time and the love to learn to accept all of you.

Rachael there is no need to reply as I know what is in your heart. I also know that you know what is in mine.

Mrs. J

Dear J:

Your feelings are not unusual and in fact I think they only speak to the quality person that you are. Anger, confusion, sadness, hurt? Sure they are all there. Add one more, "why would he share Rachael with you now . . . at this point in your troubled life? These emotions and answers to your questions will come in time.

You may grow as close to "Rachael" as you are to her counterpart; she would hope for that, of course. Then again you may wish you had never found out. While you may remain friends with the male in him and his wife, you may also decide to you want no part of the friendship. Gawd the possibilities are endless. Here are just a few thoughts I would like to share with you on this journey, however long or short it may be.

Being "told" was not meant to be a hurtful act; you know that! There was undoubtedly a great deal of trust for you expressed in that act. Being told was not an act of exclusion, but one of inclusion. Letting one get so close to your inner soul is an act of affection and trust. I can tell you that deciding to come out people like this involves a great deal of thought and consideration. How can one tell another without hurting that person? Sauntering up to you in "drag" clearly is not the way. Being "being caught" by you is little better. There is little in Shock Appeal as far as warmth is concerned. The choice was hard to make. The timing had to be right, if there is such thing.

How many times did you almost "discover" her? How many times did you comment on "his" very long nails? You know now who the "other woman" was when she ran from the living room when you ran the bell. And of course the personalized license plate . . . it was all adding up and you probably just were not seeing it, but you would have, soon. Surprise and confrontation seem eminent to Rachael, I'm positive. You deserved better than that. And so . . . the night of reckoning!

I can tell you that Rachael does not expect you to suddenly accept this as nothing more than a change of clothes. Understanding comes slowly, acceptance even more slowly. It all begins with knowledge and you have that now and will learn from your natural inquisitiveness. There is a lot of material out there to review and you know that too. That you care says a great deal about you. Take all the time you need to come to grips with this.

The benefits to you? Maybe none, maybe many. You have two dear friends . . . one you only knew halfway; I'll bet you'll like the whole more than the sum of the parts. Smile! Rachael makes the person whole and she is very happy to have you as a friend AND she is very happy to be whole.

I hope this eases your anguish, hon. You know that I am there to help you, dear neighbor. Yes, dear readers, Mrs. J. is my neighbor and you all should be so lucky.

Rachael


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