Making Sense of It All

Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

I Am A Person

It may seem a bit obvious to state that I am a person, for I am obviously a human being. I am not, for example, an insect. And yet, to carry the metaphor a bit further, people do often treat each other as if they really were insects. People even try to stamp each other out, sometimes psychologically, sometimes socially, sometimes vocationally, and sometimes physically. In fact, soap operas have a heyday with the interpersonal intrigues growing out of these insect-oriented attitudes and behaviors.

What is even worse than the interpersonal undermining of each other which we humans endlessly demonstrate is the way we often undermine ourselves. From what I have observed of my own attitudes and behaviors over the years, I know for a fact that, for all that I can justifiably blame others for mistreating me, I have treated myself even worse. I have, in effect, stamped out some of my own humanity, some of my own potential, some of my self-belief, and a great deal of my own energy and creativity. I have been my own enemy, my own insect.

The problem with being my own insect-like enemy is that I have had trouble seeing the ways in which I have been self-destructive. I could always see and feel what others were doing whenever their attitudes and actions were against me. But I have had a much more difficult time seeing my own self-destructive behavior. For example, I felt ashamed and guilty for many years concerning my transgender wishes, fantasies, and behaviors, secretive though all of it was, or perhaps because it was all so secretive. The shame and guilt served to erode my self-confidence and my overall sense of well-being. I treated myself as if I were no better than an insect that needed to be eradicated, as if I did not deserve to participate fully in the world of human purposes and activities. In other words, I not only lacked self-respect but also did not see myself as a real person entitled to be respected by others, even though others did, in fact, respect me.

It has been in terms of my long overdue self-recognition and self-acceptance as a transgendered person that I have at last begun to feel less like an insect and more like a true human being. I now feel I belong on this earth, not crawling around in shame but rather standing tall with dignity. This is not to say that I do not continue to face social and vocational struggles, nor am I free from personal shortcomings. I see more clearly than ever my personal strengths as well as weaknesses. I see myself as a human being with all the hope mixed with uncertainty, the potential mixed with limitation, which simply being human entails. I like myself as the person I now am with all of the naturally accompanying human characteristics. I feel I am entitled to live and to live with others.

My gender change has become the glue which has at last helped me to put myself together and to keep myself intact, to give me a sense of wholeness as a person as well as a firmer basis for social involvement. But there is an irony in all of this. Most of my life, as I have said, I felt like an inner freak whose outer image, though socially acceptable, did not match my inner sense of self. In other words, though I was socially and vocationally acceptable to other people, at the same time I felt unacceptable to myself. As I have pointed out, I felt no better than an insect, for I did not really feel like a person. I did not like the outward presentation of myself, nor did I believe I had a right to be the person I felt myself to be on the inside. But now, while I do feel better about myself both inside and out, others often feel uncomfortable with me. I seem to have gone from being an outwardly acceptable person who felt like an inner freak to an inwardly fulfilled person who is sometimes seen as an outer freak.

It seems that, as a woman, I am not always seen simply as a person who has love to share and capabilities to utilize. Part of the problem, of course, may be the fact that I am experiencing what women in general experience. But this fact is in addition to my gender change. I do not give any outward indication of my male roots. My appearance, mannerisms, and voice are apparently okay, in spite of many testosterone-filled years. Nor do I announce to everyone my gender change, but my biological history does follow me around in my medical, legal, educational and vocational records and at times must be revealed. Also, family members and friends, all of whom have known me in the past, now see that I have changed my gender. I am not saying that everyone has difficulty with all of this, but I am saying that gender change is understandably difficult for many people to handle. I myself have certainly spent a good portion of my own life coming to grips with it, so the difficulty on the part of other people is also understandable. It is not something we expect to face in life.

My work as a gender educator is one of the ways I try to help others understand this particular phenomenon, not just within the transgender community itself but also in the wider community in which we all live and work. It is thus true that I do reveal to some people my gender change. And yet, the more I write and speak about the transgender phenomenon, especially in terms of myself as an example of it, the more I may be contributing to my own depersonalization. That is part of the ironic twist to all of this, for I do want to be seen as more than simply a phenomenon. Hopefully my own humanity will shine through it all, for I know I am more than a transsexual: I am a woman; I am an American citizen; I am a person. Perhaps a brief poem I have written, called "On Being Different," will add a bit more depth to what I am trying to say:

Each person is certainly different,
but a difference not everyone knows,
so all we can do is be patient
and see what we each will disclose.

And then we are put to the test
to accept or reject what we see.
The result is what makes us all human,
but love is what makes us all free.

Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.


© 1996 by Human Dimensions & Transgender Forum