Sensual Aspects of the Transgendered Relationship

By Linda Kaye

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of being in a transgendered relationship that a wife/partner can experience is the sexual issues. For many women, it is the major block to acceptance of their partner's transgenderism. It can be a frustrating, frightening and unsatisfying experience, and one which will doom the relationship in some cases.

Although we are inundated by the media about sex and sexual agendas, I think we still retain a sense of shyness, as well as fear, of our own sexuality. Anytime you turn on the television, you can find someone, somewhere, doing something sexual. There is no longer a sense of privacy in our society; we have become voyeurs, and we use that voyeurism to titillate our own sexual lives.

With mass marketing of sex, I think we have lost our sensuality. There is a difference, if you think about it. The term "sensuality," in its definition, is a preoccupation with the body and the satisfaction of its desire. I find this definition misleading. Rather, I think that sensuality is the wonderful feelings you get, when you are sexually alive. It is the rush of sensation as you anticipate; it is the feelings you have which make you feel like a sexual being. Perhaps, sensuality is individual foreplay. Whatever you define it, I think that we have a tendency to lose it and think of sex simply as an act, and nothing more.

If you think of your sexual relationship as simply "sex," you are not making love. You are performing an act. You can do it with little or no emotion, and simply for the physical feelings (orgasm.) You can get up and leave and never think about the experience again. Yet, if there is emotion and tender feelings involved, the sexual "act" evolves into "lovemaking."

If you are like me, you were raised to believe that there was no thing such as sexual intimacy. I must have been a late bloomer, for the concept of intimacy between my parents was as foreign to me as was the Chinese language. When I finally realized that they must have done something that created my brother and me, I was astonished, and even today, I simply cannot picture them doing anything that would cause procreation. My parents, in their own privacy, or shyness, never gave me a sound education about sex; in fact, they gave me absolutely nothing, and when I finally did become intimate at age 17, it was done in total ignorance and certainly not very satisfying. In fact, I was of the misguided opinion that sex was only satisfying for the male, and that as a female, it was my duty to be sure he got all he wanted out of the event. I continued in this vain for a quite a long time, until I reached the age of 30. I discovered that I was a sexual being, that my desires mattered, too. Unfortunately, I believe that there are many women who either do not reach this point of realization, or if they do, they set it aside. I think that many women have a sense of guilt for having sexual feelings. It may be that carryback to that former time when sexual encounters were either for procreation or the pleasure of the male.

A person's sexuality is a gift which should be appreciated. Too often, it is ignored or abused. Such a gift should be enjoyed, taken care of, nurtured. We need to learn to appreciate what we are feeling, seek to prolong it, and to share it with joy.

Why is it, then, if our sexuality is a gift, that we don't do this? If you are a woman in a relationship with a transgendered partner, you may well find it difficult to not only deal with your own sexuality, but that of your transgendered partner. You have your own personal needs, which should be satisfied, and yet, your partner's femme side also has such needs, and it is often an impossibility for you to see or understand this, let alone participate with "her." The question is "why?"

There are no easy answers to this question. Every woman is an individual, with her own set of standards, morals, convictions. It is often hard to understand why the man you married or share your life with isn't satisfied simply being a man. Instead, he wants to express what he calls his "femme" side, and he expects you to be an interested and even eager participant in this transformation. To some women, this is abhorrent, an impossibility. To others, there are certain points to which they will go, but the boundaries are rigidly set. And to still others, there is eager participation with the femme partner.

There are no rights or wrongs here. Instead, I believe that a woman denies herself a special gift that life offers if she cannot, first, find her own sexual plane, and express her needs, not only to her partner, but to herself. Honesty with one's self is vital if a woman wants to reach her sexual potential. Secondly, once she is secure in her sexuality, aware of her own needs, perhaps then, she can open her mind to the needs of her femme partner.

It boils down to honest communication, with yourself, and with your partner. It's difficult to be honest with yourself - you are the easiest person in the world to fool. Yet, if you are honest, and can put aside your hang-ups, you will find your personal identity and sexuality to be of major importance and joy. If you feel that way, then it would seem easier, I would think, to look rationally at your partner, with love, and with an open mind and heart. If you are honest with yourself, then you can and should be honest with him about how you feel. Share with him your own personal journey, your fears, your hopes, your confusion, and your joys. Be sure he understands where you are coming from. In doing so, you open the doors of communication and further bonding. You may never be able to totally accept his transgendered side, nor make love to him "as a woman," but you may both find a common denominator which will ease tensions and allow fairness for both partners. Don't hold it in; don't shout it out in anger; don't blame him for being transgendered; do tell him what is in your heart; do tell him how you feel about him; do tell him that you understand he cannot help being who he is; do tell him you want to work on the relationship and under standing him, and yourself. As long as you talk, as long as you love, there is hope for a truly intimate, fulfilling and beautiful relationship.

Hugs, Linda


Linda Kaye is married to Vanessa Kaye, who also writes for Transgender Forum. They have their own web site you may enjoy.



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