lthough I live full-time as a woman, I am still happily married
to my genetic female wife. When Valentine's Day arrived this year, I
wanted to show my love with flowers. So when the day arrrived, I went to the
large floral section of my favorite supermarket to select something
appropriate. When I arrived, there were only male customers present, and I
understood why; they were picking something for their wives or girlfriends.
I was the only apparent-female looking for flowers.
Generally speaking, I have no problem as a woman buying flowers. No one really cares if they are for me or for someone else. But on this particular day the custom strongly suggests that men buy flowers for women. Perhaps I was still too sensitive about my identity as a woman to put it to some kind of extra test. In any case, I do know that I felt out of place at that moment in time, so I did not persist in my flower-buying effort.
I then decided that no matter where I went that day I would probably encounter the same situation or some variation of it. So I wandered over to the produce area and began to look at the vegetables. I somehow felt that I was still looking at something of a floral nature, such as broccoli or lettuce, items that grew in the ground and had leaves and even some degree of beauty. Of course, I was looking at something intended to be eaten and not just to be looked at. But at least I was among other women. I felt I belonged there, especially on Valentine's Day, when the floral section seemed to belong to the men.
So what did I do? I bought some vegetables, such as a nice bouquet of celery, a bunch of radishes, parsley, and, of course, some tomatoes, which are as red as any valentine. I left the onions and potatoes alone. I may have bought some other vegetables, too, though I cannot remember what they were. This much I do know: roses they were not, but full of love they were.
When I arrived home, I must admit I did not proceed to fill vases with celery and radishes, but I did fill the refrigerator. I also wrote the following poem, My Vegetine:
I know our life is changing,
but still the sun does shine,
so maybe it will help to know:
you're still my Valentine.
I went to buy some flowers
to show that I still care,
for though I'm looking different,
my love is always there.
But when I was inside the store,
I was the only gal
selecting flowers for this day,
as if my name were "Al."
Since valentines take many forms,
like foods we all can name,
it was simpler buying vegetables.
I love you just the same.
Yes, the relationship survived this event. In fact, there was no real problem at all. Being remembered and loved is what really matters. But my valentine poem, my "vegetine" in this case, also reflects one of the major struggles in the world of gender change, namely, relationships. Marital relationships, in particular, can become severely strained. A transgendered person's love may remain unchanged, but its expression, while sometimes humorous in its retelling, can be difficult in its unfolding.
ike Valentine's Day, gender change itself, and the relationships
affected by it, are fundamentally all matters of the heart. When it comes
to relationships, we are talking about two hearts trying to enjoy each
other's love. I may very well love my spouse, but if, because of my
appearance, she has difficulty enjoying what I have to offer, then who am
I to say that she should feel differently? When two people attempt to
develop a relationship, and one of the two loses interest in the other,
then the relationship just does not develop any further. That's people.
That's life. That's the way it is. None of this is easy, not for either
partner to a relationship.
Gender change is not something to be taken lightly, for however deep it goes and however it is to be expressed, it is part of the person and, consequently, part of that person's various relationships. The issue, therefore, is not that of how to make such a change go away in order to accommodate someone else's feelings but rather of how to handle the change so as to preserve, and hopefully even deepen, the relationships that are at stake.
Whether kept a secret from a partner or not, gender change becomes part of that relationship. If it is kept a secret, it could quietly undermine the relationship. If it is not kept a secret, and the relationship continues to be workable, then even a bunch of vegetables can convey the love that can in turn make Valentine's Day not only a day to remember but also a day to live all year long. © 1996 by Human Dimensions