If I had worn a black evening gown, would I
have looked fierce? Maybe fabulous? No way! There were already
too many contestants wearing black evening gowns. To win a female
impersonator beauty pageant, you have to set yourself apart from
the rest of the contestants. Being Asian helped, but it wasn't
going to clinch the title. There were plenty of beautiful Asian
female impersonators. The thing that would separate me from the
rest of the pack, beyond any shadows of doubt, would be the color
of my evening gown.
I chose red because I look great in red. In
my male self, I would never wear red. It's too flashy for my
conservative street kid tastes (you had to be conservative where
I grew up). Red was the one evening gown color that stood out
among all of the rest of the evening gown colors. Red was a dramatic
color, an extreme color, and a radical color. Few people could
wear a radical color well. That night, God smiled upon me and
said, "Kalina can wear red" and I did and I won!
Okay, listen up kids, because what you're going
to see this fall is a radical change in makeup colors,
so you'll need a bit of practice to get the look down pat because
these colors are really dramatic and if you don't do it right,
you'll look more campy than realistic.
Anyone remember Chanel's Vamp - that
really dark purple - from last summer? Well, it's purple time
once again as Revlon introduces their own version of purple
called - with great affection by us computer geeks - "Virtual
Violet" (check out http://www.revlon.com for their
new fall lineup). Anyone who reads the glamour magazines will
know that this is direct idea theft from L'Oreal and their
"Cybershine '96" concept introduced this past spring
(listen to Revlon's clichés: shine of the times, mega-shimmer,
techno fabrics, face of the future, ad nauseum... they're very
similar to L'Oreal's promotional lingo).
L'Oreal decided to wage their own war by sticking
to browns and bronzes this fall while Maybelline tries
to entice us with a ravishing deep red called "Rogue Vogue."
The conclusion I've come up with is it doesn't matter what color
you wear in the fall so long as it is dark, dramatic, and matches
your attitude, mood, and skin tone.
Maybe it's time to try the purples. Everyone
who has an autumn face, masters or mistresses of the earth tones,
will appreciate a change in their appearance. Unfortunately,
these colors that Revlon has introduced are absolutely shocking:
bright purples that would make even the most flamboyant drag queen
run in the opposite direction.
That's why I think they're so great.
You truly have to be fierce and fabulous to
wear these colors and if you can wear them before anyone else
in your neighborhood, honey, you are going to be a freaking pioneer!
Let's analyze the ultimate Virtual Violet look:
You have to pick shades of violet that look
best on you. Some of you may prefer the lighter shades, such
as Virtual Violet, Pink Foil, or Violet Light, for a softer look.
Only the truly adventurous will go all out and buy Iced Amethyst,
Blackberry, Suitably Ruby, or Violet X-treme. These are all part
of the Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick series, a moisturizing shimmery
lipstick. Being the adventurous type, I bought the latter two
colors. Mary wears the Ruby. I wear the X-treme.
Since I chose a color that Revlon would place
in the "shocking" category, I had to find complementary
plum and wine colors. I chose the Naturally Glamorous Blush-On
in Pure Plum, Overtime Shadows in Vineyards (it's been three weeks
now and no drugstore in Center City or Montgomery County stocks
the elusive Violet Light eyeshadow, although most carry Violet
X-treme eyeshadow), and a Revlon liplining pencil in Blackberry.
For mascara, I've used Revlon Lashfull for
years, although I find Maybelline Great Lash and Cover Girl
Longest Lengths to be very good products, too. I like dark brown
and soft black mascara. Revlon makes a refillable eyebrow pencil,
but their ColorStay self-sharpening eyelining pencil in black
brown does the job equally well for me and can, of course, be
used as a regular eyelining pencil, too.
The real icing to the whole Virtual Violet
look is Revlon's Glossing lipstick, but don't do what Revlon suggests
in wearing the Glossing on top of your lipstick. The real
secret to the ultimate look is to wear the Glossing first
and then wear your lip color on top of the Glossing! If you wear
the Glossing as Revlon suggests (i.e. "blot your lipstick
and then add extra shine with Glossing"), you will simply
wipe off what's left of your lipstick onto the Glossing. If you
wear the Glossing as I suggest, your shaded lipstick will intermingle
with the lip gloss better and give you a really powerful shimmery
effect. Even the "shocking" colors will look a little
more subdued. The result: more people can wear the shocking colors
and be en vogue.
It might be a little unfair to suggest that
the shocking colors be limited to those who prefer a shocking
look. Darker skin types can especially benefit from the shocking
colors. The very warm skin tones of African and West Indian women
look best with deeper colors, so Blackberry and Violet X-treme
may not look so extreme on these skin types. On fair skin, such
shades look almost black-colored under certain lighting conditions.
Fair skin types would look a lot better with sheer violets, which
are still bright because of their iridescence, but sit better
on this type of face.
Okay, on to my glamour photo of the month.
I'll include two.
Check out the sexy grey-colored baby tee with
the obvious cliché on it: GIRL. And the voluptuous
silicone enhancements I have underneath all packed into a rosewood-colored
Bali Smooth Compliments Contour Underwire # 8679 satin
bra. I have searched far and wide to find the perfect bra for
my Nearly Me Full Oval breast forms and this is it! It
is a full-coverage bra and will hold your nonattachable breast
forms in place very nicely.
I'm also wearing a black lace skort (a skirt
with biker shorts underneath), homemade hip pads, off-black silk
pantyhose, and my black patent Chinese Laundry platforms.
I went out dancing later that night and was carrying a matching
black patent handbag a la Spiegal from their great six-dollar
catalog offer (the bag they offered before the Tweety Bird handbag
offer)!
My toenails were painted in Violet X-treme.
My nails were sculptured and painted in Essie Cosmetics
Ballet Slippers, a pale tannish white shade. Jewelry was nonexistent,
save for my Anne Klein II watch with a black-colored bezel.
Perfume was the requisite Gaultier, my favorite sweet-smelling
vanilla scent, sprayed on my thighs and calves so that the scent
would rise. Bronzing powder was applied to my arms to give a
little more warmth to my appearance.
I asked Mary to give me a really big poofy
hairstyle, like that of a South Philly chick, so we started with
my expresso-colored (black brown) René of Paris
"Felicia" interweave-style wig. Mary hot curled all
of the hair around my forehead area, I attached the wig onto my
own hair, and she weaved the strands of my hair with those of
the wig's synthetic hair. A bit of teasing and hairspray raised
the height of my hair about an inch higher than usual when I wear
this wig.
My dance club adventure that night at Woody's
consisted of plenty of the usual drag queen greetings, lustful
looks, and a tall skinny Black guy who asked me to do that new,
very silly dance, the "Maekawena," with him (the first
half of which looks like part of a fifth-grade school dance my
class had to do for the Village People's "YMCA" song
back in 1979). I later bumped into and got pecks on the cheek
by that hunky Latino, Luis, I met last month and even ran into
that evil crotch-grabber, Jack, again who bought me a drink and
walked away after I ignored him... hee hee... well, he deserved
it, don't ya' think?!
The next night I abandoned the hip pads and
took on a more Twiggy-like appearance. I wore my short ginger
brown-colored shag-style wig called "Jane" (also by
René of Paris) with a black mock turtleneck, black hot
pants, off-black silk stockings, and Nine West suede shoes.
Without my hip pads, I looked like a stick and my head looked
big for my body, but, honey, I could still move my hips and butt
like nobody's business on the dance floor!
I wore all of the same eye and cheek colors
as the night before, but with L'Oreal's Plum Brulee lipstick.
This is a very rosy/fuschia type of lip color. This look goes
out to Leza whom I've been having wonderful conversations
with via e-mail. She's got the Melrose look down pat and has
inspired me to develop my own version of it that night. You go,
girl! Look for her column, called "Melrose Chic," in
the next issue of TransVamp Magazine coming to you this
October. The last of the plugs goes out to JoAnn Roberts and
Creative Design Services. We've bought ad space from each other,
so you'll be seeing my ads in Ladylike Magazine and her
ads in TransVamp. Both of these magazines are of the highest
quality in their field (okay, okay, so Ladylike is better!), so
please patronize both of us with your business.
Those of you who've already seen pictures of
me in my red evening gown from last year know that it will take
an ultra-fabulous gown to outdo that one. Well, girlies, it looks
like I found myself a new evening gown. It doesn't have the exquisiteness
of my red gown (nothing ever will), but I will tell you now that
my new gown will not disappoint! I will not reveal its colors,
since it's meant to be a surprise that won't be revealed until
Halloween (or the second week of November for TGForum readers),
but let me say that if last year's fall color was red and this
year's fall color is... well, 'nuff said, you get the picture.
I could have chosen from any number of single-colored
gowns on the display rack. Instead, a little patience allowed
me to find something a little less one-dimensional and a lot more
dramatic. I'm working on all of the mental and physical details
to show off the gown in the best possible light, which was exactly
how I thought about my red gown last year. Hmmm... black satin
shoes or... could it be there are three colors to this thing?
Heh heh.
Here are some hints for those of you who are
in the process of selecting and buying your first evening gown:
Buy a floor-length evening gown. Don't buy
a skirt-length sequined party dress and try to convince yourself
that it's a formal evening gown. Even worse, don't try to convince
yourself that you have an awesome pair of legs and want to show
them off in your skirt-length dress. C'mon, we're crossdressers...
we all have awesome legs! If you have trouble finding an evening
gown of the right length, keep searching or contact the manufacturer
of the gown you are interested in to see if the gown comes in
your size and length.
Don't wear a sleeveless gown in the fall or
winter seasons. Sleeveless gowns are for spring and summer seasons.
Go for a long-sleeved gown or wear long opera gloves with a short-sleeved
gown. The former is preferred to the latter. If you are not
wearing gloves, be sure to have your nails professionally done,
crafted to a medium length, and painted in a variation of a French
manicure.
Select a gown that is dramatically different.
If you have one type of sequin on your gown - the familiar metallic
disc - make sure that the gown has more than one color and is
artfully done. If your gown has both sequins and different types
of beads, you will definitely set yourself apart from the rest
of your competitors. My red evening gown had four different types
of beads. Every gown I saw among my competitors had two or at
most three different types of beads. One of the finalists wore
a gown with only metallic disc sequins, but they were lime green
and she had multi-colored feathers popping out all over the place.
It was different enough to set her apart from the rest of the
competitors.
Make sure the gown fits your chest and waist
perfectly. The hips can be filled out with foam hip padding.
Altering an evening gown can be quite expensive, so it is better
to get the fit right before any alterations need to be done.
In high heels, the gown should fall at most two inches off the
ground. If you find an evening gown that fits you perfectly and
is the right length, buy the thing immediately! It is
your destiny to wear it and show it off.
The higher your heels, the better so long as
they do not exceed four inches on a sizes up to women's 10 and
five inches on sizes greater than women's 10. If you wear flats
or short heels with your evening gown, you will look like a prom
reject. If you do wear high heels, make sure you've had enough
practice walking in them on all types of surfaces. Make sure
your heels fit your feet perfectly. They should be snug and never
loose. I am in between a size 8-1/2 and 9 women's, but I chose
8-1/2 for the contest because I knew they wouldn't fall off of
my feet. I practiced for about a year in four-inch heels walking
up and down tall flights of stairs without holding onto the handrails
to develop stamina and walking across gravel while carrying a
stack of telephone books to develop poise.
Don't wear an off-the-shoulder evening gown
if you have the arms and shoulders of a football player or a bodybuilder.
You will look like Wesley Snipes in "To Wong Foo"
if you do.
Don't wear an evening gown that shows off cleavage
unless you know how to tape your chest together to create cleavage.
If you have breast implants, hurray for you.
Don't wear an evening gown that shows off your
back if you have a hairy back or one that shows off your bra straps
if you must wear a bra to hold your breast forms in place.
By the way, I hear that Woody's is expanding
in size soon. I don't know how or why, since this Philadelphia
gay institution is fine just the way it is.
A very sad event happened recently. One of
Philadelphia's legendary drag promoters, Joey Venuti, passed away
recently due to cancer, so I don't know about the status of his
Stars Too club. I did an exclusive interview with Joey last year
that appeared in JoAnn Roberts' e-zine, Chatsubo. This
is a deadly ramification for the drag scene in Philly because
Joey was the guy who brought the female impersonation pageants
to Philly every year. The other promoters just don't have the
energy and enthusiasm that Joey had.
My favorite drink is now a toss up between
an Alabama Slammer and a simple thing involving Chamboord (raspberry
liqueur) and orange juice. I invented (or re-invented) this one
seven years ago. I call it Fruit Juice, nothing negative
intended.
Regarding vanilla scents, there is now a scent
called Raw Vanilla for Men sold at your local cheapie drugstore.
It smells a lot like the female vanilla scents out there. Why
any man would want to smell like vanilla is beyond me. On a cute
clubgal, it's a different story.
One person asked me about one of my very first
sets of pictures, the ones with me modeling with my Winnie the
Pooh bear. He asked me if I still had that bear. I replied yes,
of course. In fact, last year I bought a bigger Pooh bear, about
a foot long that plays the theme song when you press his blue
honey pot (did that sound right?). I even have a Dogbert doll,
but I'll never buy a Dilbert one because Dilbert's not as cute.
So, does anyone else think that Dennis Rodman
is crossdressing just for publicity's sake? Do you understand
all of these people, including teammate Steve Kerr, admitting
that Dennis is cute in drag? Get real!
A reporter for Details Magazine interviewed
me a long time ago for an article about clubkids. Maybe they'll
print up my comments on the subject some month soon.
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