Letter To Family

By Aleisha Michelle

Hi.

Well, writing this letter is probably the most difficult thing I have done in my life... I hope by the time you are finished reading it your opinion of me will not be changed too drastically. I know by telling you what I am about to tell you I risk losing your love, support, friendship... still it is something I feel I have to do.

You know I've been in therapy for depression for a while now, and you probably know that depression has been a major factor in my life to this point. Despite my generally happy outward demeanor I have always carried the burden of this condition... it has prevented me from enjoying life on a level beyond the nominal for any length of time. Therapy and medication have helped me achieve a better level of mood, but as so often is the case with this condition there is a root of the depression that needs to be dealt with before I can truly get better. I know this, and I know the root of my depression, yet I have tried to avoid it for a very long time. After months of therapy and introspection I know I cannot avoid it any longer if I want to get better. I am a transsexual.

Okay... take a second and let that sink in. I have come to realize that the general public's awareness and understanding of transsexualism is limited at best, and often dangerously misinformed. Maybe I should tell you what this doesn't mean first. Being a transsexual doesn't mean I am a pervert, child molester, rapist, or any other sexual deviation that might come to mind. It does not mean I am gay, though many often assume that. What it does mean is that I have a sense of incongruity between my mind, my mental self-image, and my body. I don't really like using stereotypes, but the old "woman trapped in a man's body" one does seem to explain it well.

How or when did this happen? I don't really know. The research in this area is pretty limited... while some believe it is a social conditioning thing newer research tends to point to biological roots. Many researchers now believe this is something which begins in the womb, and some brain studies have shown this to be probable. In any case, it is something I have known about as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are interwoven with this fact about myself. I realized very early on that my feelings were not appreciated by society, though, and I have spent the interim trying to hide them. This has caused me much pain, sadness, depression, anger, frustration... you name it. But I have come to a point in my life where I have realized that I must either face this essential aspect of who I am, or resign myself to never hoping to find peace with myself.

Why am I telling you now? Well, coming to this decision has been very painful, but I fear that actually taking steps to find out what I want to do to rectify it will be far more so. It terrifies me to think of it sometimes, but the alternatives seem limited. I guess I am telling you because you're my family... I love you, and I want to be honest with you. I know that many transsexuals lose their families and friends after disclosure, but I am hoping that after reading this letter you will still want to know me. I will still need love and support, and I hope that you will still be there to give it. You are also the people I feel most comfortable with telling... I guess I feel you are the people I can trust in most for support. I don't want to burden you with my troubles, but if you are willing to take a small part of the load I will be eternally grateful.

So, what's next? I am facing a period of my life where I must make some very serious decisions, and I think to do that I need to remove myself a bit from my routine, hence my decision to move away. I hope I do not appear to be running away from everyone, I just feel I need somewhere where I can find out what exactly it is I want to do without a lifetime of pressures lurking around every corner. At this point I don't know where exactly it will all lead, but I know that beginning the process of finding out is what I have to do. I also think this is a time when I need to be with friends who face the same challenges as I, and I have friends where I am going who do.

I hope this is not the end of our relationship, though I can understand if you choose it to be. This letter does not tell my whole story... but I hope it can be the beginning of a dialogue that will bring us closer. For a long time I have not been truly close to anyone, because I have been hiding so much of myself... maybe now that can change. I have included other materials with this letter, that I hope it will answer some of your questions that I have not answered here. And, of course, I will answer anything you want to know in person, on the phone, whatever. I will be anxiously awaiting your reply...

Love Always, Aleisha


Since writing this letter Aleisha reports that both her sister and mother "have accepted me completely for who I am, and pledged their support and love no matter what I chose. That is a great feeling... "

Back to Transgender Forum's home page