by Ann Lynn
I am the spouse of a transgendered person.
A couple of years before we were married my husband and I had been in a relationship which was filled with passion and excitement. The relationship, although fueled with these strong feelings, was not constant.
We had broken up a couple of times and after the last break we found ourselves again drawn to each other, but there was something that stood in the way of our future happiness. One day in a local mall my husband sat at across from me in a restaurant and struggled to tell me what I had been sensing but did not know until then.
This was extremely difficult for him to do and even saying the words out loud was hard for him. I remember wondering at the time what the big secret was and I recall thinking ," Oh my God, maybe he is dying ."
Finally when I thought the restaurant was going to throw us out for loitering he referred me to a chapter in a book that dealt with being trangendered. I was honestly relieved that he was not dying but just from the look on his face at the time, I could see that he had lost years off his life just by confessing his deep dark secret.
At that moment I felt my love for him grow and the admission didn't make me run. I was filled with questions, some of which were answered that day. We sat and talked for a long time and I saw the pain subside in his eyes to be replaced with apprehension. There was now something between us that no other couple that I knew of had. It is a hard secret to have when you want to tell the world that you love this man no matter what but you have to protect him and yourself from those that can hurt you.
We stayed in this limbo for years before he sought and outside source to support him. I was not part of this group and over time I began to resent the fact that I was not the only one who KNEW and the fear that this was coming between us became a reality. You see, for me, there is a real fear that he will find someone more enlightened and willing to give him all the freedom in the world to express his feminine side and I will become redundant.
I have gone through so many stages in this acceptance of my husband . At first I was confused about the connection between being gay and being transgendered but I soon realized how much I didn't know. My husband was and is very much a healthy heterosexual person. He can be loving and tender passionate and playful, all the qualities that any woman would look for. He has a strong and healthy feminine side that seeks a place to be and which lives within him all the time.
Because we were busy as most people are in the early years raising children, I became involved almost solely in caring for them and we agreed to put the T thing on hold. In hindsight-sight I can say that this was a mistake because it drove him underground and made me feel burdened and threatened by something I hadn't taken the time to discover. It almost ended our marriage and it came very close destroying me as a person.
I found my self blaming him for this distance and blaming myself for not being a better partner. We were in crisis. As our children became less needy the whole issue of trangender loomed in front of me and I was still not ready. I have since discovered that no one is ever really ready.
He continued to write to other T people and he had a private mail box.
My world was changing around me and I was scared. Every letter he received was like a lifeline for him but for me it was something to fear . I seemed a little like there another woman had come between us and I found myself hating her and hating myself for not being there for him. I found myself mistrusting everything that was said . What grew by driving his femm side into the closet was a lot of negative feelings on both sides.
In the past few months we as a couple have gone back in time if you will and stared to incorporate the transgender into our lives. We have shopped together and made a place for the clothes . It is so much better just to have everything out in the open. This is crucial to both of us.
There is no more need for the private mail box. I am getting used to using the net to talk to other T people but at times I have to be honest and say that I can still fell threatened by them and I understand this now. You see they were there when I couldn't be and that's okay because he needed the support but I also needed the support and I was too afraid to ask for it. Now I have come so far along that I am writing this article.
The past had created some casualties and I have a long way to go but I find myself on a journey that I am committed to even if it means I have to accept a lot about myself. But that is what it is going to take for us to make it. In a few days my husband will be going on his first road trip and although I am glad that he will have the opportunity to be a whole person, I am afraid.
I feel the treadmill is heating up and I hope I can stay on, but my biggest fear still remains. That fear is that he will find someone better for him before I have caught up.Instead of thinking about what I can lose I have instead decided to love and support this man and trust in life . If he finds peace with himself than we have both come out winners.
This fear and mistrust I feel is the result of asking someone to bury a large part of themselves. This was wrong and dangerous. I am getting to know all of my husband now and I am less afraid. I have seen him in complete Femme and he is beautiful. I have begun to work on me and I hope to rebuild my self image.
This is a journey we are taking together now and I anticipate a lot of bumps in the road but I said last night if either of us fall in the ditch it is the role of the other to help. The rest has yet to be written but I hope this will help other partners that find themselves in the same place. I hope you will also give yourselves permission to feel all of those feelings that we feel but remember as I have found out...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Getting to know and love each other again is a blessing . I hope others who read this will opt to take this route and embrace trangender as a positive part of being human.
Ann Lynn - Ann is the SO of Jennifer Lynn. Although she is still uncomfortable with all this technology she will welcome E-mail. She can be contacted at Jennifer'sE-MAILaddress.
Please ensure that Ann's name is on the subject line of the message and Jennifer will get the mail to Ann unopened.
Copyright © 1996 - Ann Lynn