By Fiona Scott
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I had just three girl friends, one whilst at school, one at University and one just as I began my working life. The third, I married and have remained married for just over 30 years. I didnât tell her, Pam, I was a cross dresser until about nine months into our marriage as I naively thought Îit would go awayâ. Well it never does but at the time I didnât know that. She was devastated by my revelation and our new marriage shook for several days before we both settled down and took my problem on board. She is a very good needlewoman and set about making me several gorgeous dresses. One was a knee length cocktail dress in black silk and chiffon, another was a full length evening gown.

One evening I took extra care with my makeup and hair and presented Fiona to Pam for the first time. She was very surprised at how good I looked and I remember her comment ÎI didnât know that my husband was an elegant, attractive womanâ. Her physical support stopped that evening and although she knew I continued to dress occasionally she, unfortunately, didnât want to know anything about my crossdressing. I joined a support group but found that not conducive to my feelings and for several years had a very lonely, furtive life as Fiona. Our daughter was born and my Îdressingâ became less important for a short while.

Over the years, I continued to dress occasionally but because of circumstances, my elderly in-laws moved in with us, it became very difficult to dress to release stress as keeping one eye on the bedroom door caused more stress than I could cope with! My father-in-law died from cancer and my wife, a school teacher, experienced a nasty physical attack at the hands of a young boy. She had a nervous breakdown and left her much loved profession after thirty two years of teaching.

During this time I began experiencing some personal changes - I had an extremely powerful urge to feminise myself. I grew and shaped my fingernails, grew my hair longer, plucked my eyebrows and began, totally unprompted, to use the wc facilities as a woman. I began to think of myself as Fiona all my waking time. I could not discuss this with my wife as she had slipped into an abyss and was fighting, with my support and love, for her very life! This was the turning point in my life. I have since discussed this with a psychiatrist - two things happened to release my deep seated concern of height. One was the severe stress I was under, at home, in work and in my very being, the other was a trip to London for pre-Christmas shopping. I encountered several very tall elegant ladies (were they in fact female? - I will never know! ). It seems the combination of these occurrences triggered a release of the real me from the deepest recesses of my sub-conscious. Once these feelings surfaced I was not going to allow them to plunge back - I needed to act and with professional help, ascertain what I really was.

I made an appointment with a top gender psychiatrist and for the first time in my entire life walked about half a mile dressed as Fiona in public - head up high, walking from the hips etc. I was totally elated but very frightened of being Îfound outâ. I arrived at the consulting rooms and after a short wait I met him. We spoke for about an hour in great depth and I was diagnosed as suffering from gender dysphoria and I was indeed TS. I was elated by the news - I could now receive treatment and begin my transition, albeit slowly but nevertheless I was going to move forward. I left his office with a prescription for female hormones and returned to my car without any problems. I removed my coat and sitting in the driverâs seat burst into floods of tears - tears of joy, I was on my way. The one thing I had to do was to break the news gently to my wonderful wife, not an ease task but a very important one. At this time she was away helping my daughter prepare for a move of flat.

I began to take my medication with great diligence and thought long and hard on how I was going to break the news. As I said earlier my wife had had a nervous breakdown and had just pulled herself out of the abyss by her fingernails and a great deal of support and help from our GP, a counsellor and, of course, myself. I felt it was important not to push her back in anyway. I consulted our GP who expressed concern about myself and of my wife. He agreed that the news could devastate her and suggested waiting a few months before telling her. I asked to see the counsellor who had experience working with two F2M TSs. She was wonderful, understanding and offered several options for me to think on. She also suggested waiting but I explained that keeping it from my wife for over two years had been very corrosive for me - the guilt and deceit had left their mark - and I thought I would not be able to last even a month let alone a few. She agreed that my life was full of concern for others both in terms of work and home and finally agreed it would be better for me to tell all as soon as a convenient Îslotâ presented itself.

I thought of taking Pam away for a weekend to tell her but rejected that idea as being unkind. She would be expecting a nice weekend only to be told my news. Finally I decided to tell her on the 4th. February this year. We sat in the car overlooking a very pleasant view of the sea and rugged coast near our home and I began to break it to her gently. It was the most traumatic day of my entire life. She took it exceptionally well, interrupted randomly to enquire how this or that would affect our marriage of 31 years - 31 good and wonderful years. We cried and there were lots of hugs. After about four hours she asked me how she could help and what support did I need. It reinforced our belief that our marriage has been a good one - one full of love, consideration and support and I yet again realised how lucky I am to have such a wonderful wife. I know that things may change as I begin my transition to Fiona full-time but we have decided we must work for today and not the future - one step at a time. If we try and imagine life together as two female partners then it may be unthinkable but to examine, step by step, what we both can cope with may work.

I sincerely hope it does for both our sakes. We have a long way to go - as I told my psychiatrist, ÎI want to take my transition a step at a time but I donât want to Îrun outâ of timeâ. Only time will tell but with the love and respect we have for each other I genuinely believe we can do it. We yet have to tell our lovely daughter - something we will have to do before very long as my body is changing daily into the woman I have always felt I am.


Back to Transgender Forum's home page Fiona M. Scott. 16th. February 1996.