Remembrance of Events Past
by Anne Marie
edited by Cynthia Smith



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I'd recently moved out of a all male group house, this was late 1984 and had moved into a one bedroom apartment with den and a nice secluded patio. For years and years crossdressing had been a major source of personal enjoyment, now I could really experiment. It had always been hard for me to be myself as it were and engage in my en-femme hobby; though even at this time subconsciously I knew that this was moving towards a lifestyle, so discretion was the order of the day and a new home was necessary.

After I'd moved in and began my dressing more frequently I really started to feel isolated and alone, and at times wondering who I was and where I was, and how the heck did I get here. My wardrobe had grow significantly including shoes and all sorts of underwear. I've always loved silk and lace, and most of my panties and bras were, and are today matching in color and material. There were many times that I dearly wanted to go out en-femme and on occasions I'd sit out on my patio, and dream and wish that I was a woman.

I'd started experimenting with make-up and hair styles, but I still had to shave, and I didn't know anything about electrolysis. I was to shy even to speak to someone about it. I wish I knew then what I know now.

About four months after moving in I got really depressed, disgusted, and a little intoxicated one night and literally stripped off my dress and under- clothes I was wearing, through them into the trash can in the kitchen and immediately attacked the CLOSET. Come the morning I had purged of everything into a half dozen large black plastic leave trash bags and threw them all into the dumpster located in the parking lot. Walking back into the apartment I swore to myself never never again.

This was the first of two very emotional and depressing purges. I thought I was the only one who was like me, but I was soon going to learn otherwise.

I'd been working as a systems programmer for a contractor in southern California, Redondo Beach area specifically. Occasionally I'd have a few drinks at a bar/grill up Pacific coast at Hennessy's in Manhattan Beach. Well one cool September evening in 1985 I was sitting at the bar, and hadn't really spoken much with the bartender; a woman about my age, and very pretty. (A couple of times I'd noticed her glancing over at me) Walked up to me. I wondered what this was about. I found out and was startled to the marrow.

My born name is Michael, and when she asked me if my name was Michael, I was taken by surprise. I'd never met this woman before. Who was she? There was very few other patrons in the bar and I was the only one at the bar. "Do I know you?" I asked, "I'd remember you if we'd met." She asked me if I wanted another martini. I was drinking my favorite Bombay straight up with olives. "Thanks, and by the way what's your name? " I'm Charlene" she said.

To make a long story short, after she returned with my martini, and I'd had a sip she told me that she knew me when we were teenagers in Germany. "What?" No way honey. This is peculiar, but the light went off in my head and I just it showed through my eyes because the next thing she said was that when we were 16 I had a flying dragon tattooed onto my top left shoulder, and she proceed to slide the top of her sweater off the left shoulder and there it was, the "Flying Dragon Tattoo".

I almost fell off the bar stool. She said that ten years ago she had gender reassignment surgery performed in Sweden. I wasn't sure what a transsexual was, though I'd heard of transvestites while living in Germany. From this brief encounter I was to learn many things and start to discover who and what my feelings were about. I was very open with her, and over the next year we corresponded frequently.

She had told me that her family and several of her close friends before the operation were now gone for her. Her family considered her dead, and that she continued to see a psychiatrist. I remember the last time I saw her she had just completed her doctorial thesis in astrophysics and had just received an offer in Australia. I always wished her well and tried my best to be supportive.

In 1987 I met a woman that after I told her of my gender preference became as close to me in life, love and friendship as any two people could be. She was my best girlfriend and lover. She was murdered in 1993 and after her untimely horrible demise the world seemed to stop for a while. But I knew that I'd go on, and with the remembrance of her love and support I'd remain forever changed in aspects that have now really begun to take root.

As of this writing looking back through the years I've had some wonderful experiences, and some very trying emotional/depressing times that I believe have made me stronger, more open, and honest with myself, and others.

Recently I began therapy sessions where the doctor on the first visit recognized my transsexuality. I told him that within the year I wish to start going full-time if possible. That may be a bit optimistic, but we'll see. Over the past year I've been taking an herbal estrogen compound, but it's time for the real thing. I too have another great crisis to go through, and that is with the parents...

Sometimes the line from the Beatles song "HELP" goes through my mind; "Help me if you can I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate you being 'round."

I feel as though a whole new life has opened up, but girl be cautious, and sincere, and most of all be supportive of others as they are supportive of you. Love is the substance that binds, and heals. This is some of my story.

Anne Marie