Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.A Clarifying MomentThere are moments in life when the meaning of existence is suddenly and dramatically clarified. This is not to say that we are left with no more riddles, but it does mean that we have taken a significant step in the direction of personal wisdom, often in the form of greater self-awareness. One such moment occurred in my own life when my wife nearly died, a moment even more powerful than my own serious car accident two years earlier. I received a call at work one day informing me that my wife had been rushed, unconscious and vomiting, to a nearby hospital. It was pretty clear from the outset that she had had a stroke of some kind. What happened after that phone call is fairly predictible but no less painful. I rushed to the hospital in the pouring rain, an extremely anxious half-hour drive, and became immediately involved in all the shock and pain of seeing a dearly loved one helpless in a coma, with a fifty-fifty chance for survival. But after two days she opened her eyes, began to smile, and then began to talk. A two-month period encompassed not only this medical emergency and initial recovery but also brain surgery to repair a damaged blood vessel as well as rehabilitation, and finally a return to a slightly altered lifestyle. Overall, her recovery has been amazing. It was this shocking event which, in spite of the temporary cloud it created, turned out to be a clarifying and life-changing moment etched permanently into my very being. What had started out as an ordinary day had suddenly become an extraordinary moment in time. It was a moment of darkness which became a moment of light. In one fell swoop I saw both the fragility and potentiality of my existence. I realized in a felt flash that my life is truly precarious and at the same time open to possibility. Realizing that I, too, could die unexpectedly at any time, I asked myself how long I could possibly go on living with my particular life-long secret, namely, my gender confusion. How long could I continue to hide this confusion? How long could I deny myself the gender fulfillment which only I could bring about and which the precariousness of life could deny me before I ever acted? I have not been the same person since that traumatic phone call. In fact, it was as if I myself had somehow been "called." A resolve was made in one clarifying moment, and my life has slowly but steadfastly changed. That change means I have come to recognize and to accept my feminine feelings and needs. What amazes me in all of this is the fact that such a clarifying moment is possible. Apparently death, or the threat of it, or any traumatic event, can have a cathartic and catalytic effect. It can undoubtedly also have a paralyzing effect. In my case, however, I was ready - I was desperate - for some form of enlightenment and change. My wife's brief but frightening coma actually served to wake me up. I thus opened my own eyes to the reality of existence and began to see that life is truly temporary and that it is only as good as one makes it. Stated another way, I saw my own living death. I saw how I was already dead in terms of personal fulfillment. It was as if I, too, were in a coma, only a coma that gave the appearance, but not the full substance, of being alive. I had lost touch with my inner being, with my feelings, and with a real desire to live and to be with others. The ensuing gender change process has been a testimony to the power of this clarifying moment which I have been describing. I have been told by my wife and children that I am now more present as a human being, more fully alive in the here and now, more loving. When I am with them I am truly with them, not somewhere else, even though I do not look like the person they used to know. Although gender change is not a simple matter, at least I am no longer preoccupied with an inner emptiness which in turn put me at an emotional distance from others. That emptiness and distance were really of my own creation, in that I was blind to myself and thus blind to others. The more I have been able to reach in, the more I have been able to reach out. And reaching in and reaching out both became more of a possibility when, in one clarifying moment, I found myself reaching up. I reached up to powers greater than me and asked: "Is this what it all means? What am I waiting for? Will not Death, that death which would even end my living death, find me first if I do not hurry up and take a stand for my own existence?" My answers to these questions have become the basis for my rebirth, both inner and outer, for my empowerment as a human being. It's good to be more fully alive. And when Death finally does speak to me directly, I will know that I spent some quality time with Life. Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com |
© 1996 by Human Dimensions