Life in the Passing Lane Passage from Denial to DiscoveryBy Diane Gilesne year ago this month, after 57 years of shame, guilt, denial, and purges, Diane made her first public appearance . Since that time Diane has come a long way. Until last year I had dressed completely (including wig and makeup) only once, 25 years ago. Usually I had to settle for an item or two of femme underclothing because my wife, Anne, and I assumed that we could never tell anyone, including our kids. (You can imagine that with 10 of them running around, there wasn't much opportunity to dress, even in secret.) But, about a year and a half ago, stress and depression forced us to re-examine our feelings, and, with Anne's encouragement, I finally came to accept my crossdressing. Since our last child had recently moved out, I began to dress more regularly, although only at home. Then, in July of last year I discovered ETVC and DVG, and started going out to TG activities with increasing frequency. In fact, after a few months of driving to the Bay area, we started a group here in Santa Rosa (called TGIF) and have socials at our house once a month. But something was still missing, so I occasionally began going out in public. At first I was really nervous, avoiding eye-contact and hoping nobody would notice me. As I have gained more experience, however, I have become much more confident and relaxed, even when it comes to using the women's restroom. I have been to any number of stores such as Safeway and Ross, my bank, the movies, a car repair shop, San Francisco Airport, the NOW rally at Crissy Field, the KQED pledge night, the Gay Pride parade, and so on.
...And When I Do Get ReadI have been extremely fortunate. Most people don't have the wonderful wife that I do. Anne helps and encourages me even though, initially, it was difficult for her to come to terms with the fact that I could never be the husband that she had expected (and deserves). She has helped me to be honest with myself in recognizing and admitting that my true self has always been, and always will be, feminine. I think that those qualities that she saw in me and fell in love with 35 years ago are those that represent my feminine side. Unfortunately, my male self tried very hard to suppress them in my attempt to be a man. I am also grateful that my family (including my 82-year old mother and most of my now-adult children), as well as my close friends and neighbors seem to accept me and have been supportive. Earlier this summer, Anne and I spent two weeks in Hawaii where I dressed androgenously most days ( I thought of myself as "D", halfway between my male persona, Dick, and Diane.) Even though I thought I was being Dick part of the time, when we got home Anne said she felt that Diane had been with her in Hawaii and should just stay around. So, we left Dick behind on permanent vacation in Hawaii, agreeing that neither of us liked him much anyway. As a result I have been living full-time as a woman this summer. It has been so wonderful that I can't begin to describe the feeling! For most of my life I thought that I was a transvestite; now I am begining to realize that I am really transgendered. The clothes are really fun, but even if everyone in the whole world were a nudist, I would still identify with the feminine. For the first time in my life I feel I don't have to live up to society's idea of what I should be. I am free to be me. Actually, after being Diane for a month, there was one day when I had to put on male drag to provide a male image for some of my grandchildren (one of my daughters doesn't want her children to know). It was an eye-opening experience; I felt terribly uncomfortable and unhappy. It made me think of what it must be like to revisit the scene of a crime and relive the anguish of the event all over again. More than ever, I realized that I could not continue to live this lie. And so, I am going back to work in the Fall as Diane! I am a tenured teacher (for 31 years) at a college that believes in "diversity". I have notified the school administration (who quickly checked to see if there would be any legal problems - apparently there aren't). There is a concern about students' reaction to me, but the biggest problem seems to be my use of the rest-rooms. I also sent a letter explaining the situation to colleagues in my department. While most of them had seemed understanding when I told them that I was a crossdresser, now that they realize that I intend to work as a transgendered woman, some of them are not exactly enthusiastic about the prospect, while others have gone out of their way to offer their support. While I would wish that everybody would be able to accept the new (improved) me, negative reactions aren't going to change my mind. After all, as John Wayne used to say: "A man's got to do what a man's got to do".
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