One of the most challenging issues brought to a therapist is that of disclosing and explaining transgender behavior to children in a family. In earlier articles I have written about whether and when to disclose (What About the Children?) and the impact of not disclosing (Keeping Secrets). This article will focus on helping parents keep the best interest of their children predominant as they contemplate disclosure of a transgender parent.
Patty and Paul came to me around a disagreement over whether to tell their teenage son, Pete, about Paul's crossdressing. Pete had found female clothing in Patty's closet that he knew was not his mother's. He confronted his parents separately and was clumsily put off by each until they could seek professional advice. While Patty had known of and accepted Paul's dressing for years, she had never planned to reveal this to their son. Paul felt that this was as good a time as any to tell him.
After eliciting a description of Pete's psychological adjustment (stable), and his relationship with his parents (good), a new question arose. Why was Pete rummaging through his mother's closet? It occurred to all three of us that Pete, himself might be a crossdresser. It was decided that these parents should reveal to Pete his father's proclivity, in view of the possibility that the boy was similarly inclined and needed support and information about this behavior. Should it develop that there is another explanation for Pete's interest in his mother's closet, his stable psychological adjustment, good relationship with his parents, and their acceptance of crossdressing in their home, would predispose Pete to accept his father's behavior with a minimum of discomfort.
This is an example in which two parents were able to put their child's needs first and make secondary their concerns about Pete telling a friend, losing respect for his parents and any one of a number of less important issues.
Lila and Lester were the parents of three sons. They had a relationship of conditional affection and respect. In other words, Lila's affection and respect was conditional on Lester's keeping his crossdressing under wraps. That meant he was strictly limited with regard to when and where he could dress. Under no condition was he to socialize with other CDs or leave the house dressed. The consequences would be that his behavior would be revealed to their sons.
They came to therapy because Lester was increasingly interested in meeting and socializing with other transvestites ever since a chapter of a national sorority was established in a nearby town. Lila saw this interest as an escalation of his problem which could only be contained by threats of the harshest measures. It was clear to me that she meant business as she explained that if she lost Lester, she had no intention of sharing their children with him.
Lila is a good example of a woman so obsessed with controlling her spouse's behavior that she has lost sight of her children's best interest. It was only when I asked her how she would feel if her children blamed her for telling on their father and instead, rallied around him and deserted her, that she reconsidered her position. This bought time to work with her around developing an understanding and appreciation of each parents' role in the lives of their children.
Neither parent has the right to deprive a child of a loving and competent parent, even if that parent has characteristics, ideas or values that conflict with the other. Infantile parents with unresolved dependency needs are the ones who have the most difficulty subsuming their needs in the interest of those of their children. Not only are they causing their children psychic pain, they are creating a new generation of parents who will exploit their children in turn.
Dr. Anderson is a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She can be reached at 415-776-0139.
© 1997 by Barbara Anderson & 3-D Communications, Inc.