Making Sense of It All

Ms. Lee Etscovitz, Ed.D.

Looking for Home

Part 2 of 2

As I look back upon those seemingly endless years of secret sadness (which I described in the first part of this two-part discussion), I can now see what it was that I needed, or thought I needed, in order to feel more at home in this world. I wanted someone to hear my silent screams and my inner frustration and to accept me for who I was and not for who I was supposed to be in the eyes of family and society. But, of course, no one could hear me, not even a therapist, especially if my feelings stayed hidden. My sense of inner despair and outer isolation was becoming so great that I increasingly contemplated ending it all in an effort to find my eternal home, where everything would supposedly be okay.

So what saved me? What did I do that I am now alive and well and eager to share my experiences and thoughts with others? How did I finally find my way home? And what is that home like? The answers came when I took a chance.

I had to take it upon myself to do something about my inner and outer misery. I had to quit wallowing in my homelessness and somehow overcome the fear of being labeled different by family and friends. And so I started to look for some group or organization which might speak to my concerns and give me some support in my quest for personal and social fulfillment.

Taking A Chance

The first significant stop on my road home was at a meeting of The Renaissance Education Association, a nonprofit organization devoted to the support and education of members of the transgendered community. It was at Reniassance meetings that I discovered I was not all alone with my gender confusion. Aside from the particular organization I had joined (for there are many such organizations throughout the United States and the rest of the world, each with different strengths but all concerned about transgendered people and their welfare), the point is that I had found other people with whom I could share my concerns and among whom I felt affirmed. I began to feel that the world was not as cold as I had imagined it to be. I had discovered a home away from home, or better yet, a home away from homelessness, a place where I felt supported in my gender struggle.

If Renaissance represented for me the possibility of an outer home as well as some measure of inner peace, it was gender therapy which really represented for me the discovery of an inner home. Shortly after joining Renaissance, I met JoAnn Roberts, one of that organization's founders, and mentioned to her that I needed more help in coming to grips with my gender confusion. She said in passing that, when it comes to gender confusion, you have to name it and claim it. I built on that offhand remark and decided to consult Dr. William R. Stayton, a gender therapist.

Name It & Claim It

One of the first things Dr. Stayton helped me to see was that my problem was not the gender confusion itself but rather my inability to accept it and to incorporate it meaningfully into my life as a whole.

I now realize that self-recognition and self-acceptance usually precede social recognition and social acceptance. What amazes me about my search for a happier existence is that the very thing I had kept hidden, both from myself and from my therapists, was the very thing I am now enjoying: my own gender needs.

I turned out to be my own answer.

I want to mention that, in my therapy sessions, I felt like a real, feeling human being. I felt at home. My therapist actually heard me and did not bury my concerns beneath a mountain of theoretical concepts. There is therapy available to help, not hinder, the gender confused person and his or her families.

My life has been uphill since joining Renaissance and seeing Dr. Stayton. I find myself better able to deal with the normal precariousness of life, such as I described at the beginning of this two-part discussion. I feel a greater sense of meaning and purpose in life as a whole, and I am reaching out to people and participating in such groups as Renaissance as well as groups in society in general.

I do not mean to imply that there are no problems in all of this. Whether one is a transvestite, a transsexual, or some other gender variation, the task of integrating ones life, both personally and socially, is a real challenge. Facing that challenge with ones eyes open and in the company of supportive people can be exciting and fulfilling. It has been said that, Home is where the heart is. Perhaps it is truer to say that, Home is the heart. And then in the appropriate sharing of our transgendered hearts we may find the key to the larger home we are all seeking.

Want to comment? Send email to Dr. Etscovitz at hmdm@voicenet.com.


© 1996 by Human Dimensions