I stopped purging when I got married. Her acceptance of me helped me accept myself at least a little. In mid 1995 I found a chat area for transgendered people like myself. My wife joined chat with me. Talking through the keyboard is much easier for both of us and we discovered things about each other that we never knew. She is bi-sexual and actually prefers me as a woman. I began dressing at home all the time. I let my nails grow and kept them polished. I let my hair grow and started plucking my eyebrows. I had my ears peiced a few more times and started wearing earrings all the time. My wife started calling me Jen. At work people called me odd, but in a friendly way. A couple of people weren't nice but for the most part it was ok.
On several occasions I caught myself walking like a girl at work, swishing even, and crossing my legs like a girl. On several occasions I actually hesitated before choosing a bathroom. On November 2, 1995 it all finally hit me. What sex am I? I feel so ... female. I'm having trouble "acting like a man", something my father constantly told me to do. But I hate acting like a man. In fact I hate everything about being a man. Knowing how we sometimes swing from dressing constantly to not dressing I decided to at least sleep on it. Maybe I was just really into a dressing mood. But the next morning brought no relief. That day I went into work tucked into panties, something I usually don't do because its hard to find a stall sometimes in the mens bathroom. I decided to let go and see where I ended up.
I ended up in a different world. A world where I wasn't dressing up like a girl. A world where I was dressing when I was a male. A world were I was Jennifer. A world were I was a woman.
I continued to allow Jennifer to grow and express herself. After all these years of dressing I really didn't know what I liked as a woman. My nails continued to grow, my earrings got a little bolder and sometimes I'd even wear a dangly one. One day I looked in the mirror and thought, "My god, what am I doing to myself?" I've lost the ability to pass as a man. I can't act like a man anymore. It feels foriegn, even wrong, when I try.
In the begining of December I did what I guess is an anti-purge. I threw away all my male clothes, even my wallet. I am a woman. I've always been a woman. I always will be a woman. I am a transexual. I feel happy, even peaceful. I've discussed my changing feelings with my wife and she is happy that I want to start hormones. We've been living as lesbians for quite some time now. She is concerned however about society, our families and my job.
Several days before Christmas, with the new year rapidly approuching, I gave up. I sent email to someone in the Human Resources department where I worked. I've removed the names to protect their privacy and posted it below. I lost the very first peice of mail but it was just introductory. The head of Human Resources was on vacation and couldn't be reached until after the new year.
--------------------------------
From: Jennifer
To: (head of Human Resources (HR))
Subject: Policies
Date: Thursday, January 04, 1996 6:11AM
Dear (head of HR),
Quite some time ago I sent mail to (an assistant) concerning (my employers) policies toward transgendered people. (the assistant) assured me that we are an equal opportunity employer and said she fowarded the mail to you for further discussion. As of yet I haven't recieved any word from you.
I suffer from Gender Dysphoria Syndrome and am classified as a transexual. In some companies transexuals are fired when their problem is discovered. I would like to know if our companies policies protect me from such harsh treatment. I would also like to know if there are any policies concerning harrassment of transgendered persons in effect at (my employer). I have some papers that might be useful in helping to make policies concerning this if we have none yet.
Thank you for your time.
Jen
--------------------------------
Dear Jennifer;
If you are an employee of (my employer) please contact me at the office for a confidential discussion, referencing this message. I can be reached at
ext ______.
---------------------------------
From: Jennifer
To: (head of HR)
Subject: Re: Policies
Date: Friday, January 05, 1996 9:08PM
Dear (head of HR),
Thank you for you response to my inquiry. I am an employee of (my employer) at the (my town) facility. Specifically I work in the #### building.
I can understand your concern that this might be a crank letter. Since transgenderism isn't covered by the Equal Opportunity laws I hope that you can understand my concern that if I meet with you in a less anonymous fashion I run the risk of being terminated and open myself up to harrassment by our less tolerant coworkers.
I would like to meet for a confidential discussion if you could tell me that I wouldn't be endangering my career at (my employer) by doing so.
Jen
Jennifer;
---------------------------------
I picked my clothes carefully friday morning. Not to feminine, not to masculine. Fridays are dress down days. I wore my Lands' End jeans, sneakers and a lavender pullover blouse. Yes, they are womens clothes, my clothes. I wore three small hoops in my left ear and 2 in the right.
As I drove the 200' from the building where I work to the offices where Human Resources is located I smoked 3 cigarettes. I was a nervous wreck. Its pouring out, my hair is going to be ruined. I finally found a parking place and must have looked horrible as I walked in. I was soaked. I headed for the bathroom to freshen up. I spent 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to gather up enough courage to walk into her office.
As I came out of the bathroom and walked into the office area my paranoia is going full steam. I'm sure they all know why I'm here. I walked in. The office is empty. I sat down in the corner, away from the door, my hands are sweating. A moment later the head of HR walks in. She is a stern looking woman, maybe in her late 30's. About my age. She closes the door. This is the dreaded point of no return. I can't run now, she knows what I look like.
As she talks it becomes apparent this stern looking woman is kind, open-minded and caring. She has a list of questions she has prepared and appologises in advance if they are stupid questions. She knows very little about transgenderism at all. I'm not surprised. Real info is hard to find. I tell her briefly about what it is and assure her I am not here to cause trouble. Rather I am here to help them help me. She asks several questions which I answer as best I can. She is surprised that I first dressed at about 8 years old. How little the general public knows about us. We even discuss bathrooms. She thinks I can use the individual bathrooms when I start dressing at work and the ladies room after SRS. But SRS is several years from now at least. They will look into how much it wll cost to put individual bathrooms in the other buildings. As a large company she assures me the cost shouldn't be a problem.
The conversaton now turns to harrassment. She is shocked when I tell her about our sisters and brothers who have been beaten, raped and even killed. Our harrassment policies are now rewitten to include all harrassment, not just sexual harrassment. She wants to be informed if anyone harrasses me and assured me that it will be treated as harshly as more traditional harrassment, meaning termination of the harrasser.
With this our meeting is over. It lasted 45 minutes. She asks that I keep her informed of where I am going with this and I assure her I will. She also wants me to give her any information I can about other companies policies toward transgendered people and information about transgenderism in general.
As I walk out of her office I feel like a new woman. I won't be fired. I'm out. I'm free.
---------------------------------
Subject: Re: Policies
Date: Tue, 09 Jan 96 12:09:00 PST
From: (head of HR)
To: Jennifer
I assure you that you will not be terminated for discussing this issue with
me.
With this I sent her email from my email account at work asking to set up an appointed. I was terrified as I clicked the send button. She replied that we could meet on friday at 11:00am 1/12/96. I felt sick as I realized the enormity of what I was doing.
Jennifer Ann Petersen
jennifer@cybercomm.net
Back to our home page