Coming Out at Work

Telling Everyone

By Hannah Reinstein

Informing your employer that you are about to go through transition can be a very difficult decision and no one way is correct. From time to time we will publish stories by readers who have gone through this process to give those of you in a similiar situation some ideas on how others have handled this. If you would like to participate contact Cindy Martin YOUR story could help someone else...


Note: This is a memo Hannah sent to work colleagues about her children,
but it essentially "outted" her to everyone

Next month we will carry some of their responses


Sometimes we come to a crossroads in our lives and we know we have to turn. I don't want to sound trite or maudlin but we know at that point that the turn is frightening, the end unsure and the road not well-traveled. But we must turn. We can't go on the same way any longer. The old way is living death and the turn is life restored.

I turned barely a week ago in order to recover the rest of my life. I've raised two great kids by myself for most of their lives. One has flown the nest and gone off to college to study engineering. The other, who now wants to be a novelist, will fly in two years. Both of my boys make me proud and happy. The other day, I had a long talk with my younger son, Ben, that made me so proud that I decided to share it no matter what the consequences to me. As the Creator is good and we are all intelligent and open-minded, I will hope that I don't lose any of my friends because of what I'm recounting now.

I'm only going to summarize here because the personal details and the long history are just family matters.

I told Ben that I'm a Transsexual.

That means that all my life I was never at home in my body. It means that my soul, my heart, didn't match the gender in which I was raised and socialized. It meant three failed marriages, years of clinical depression, thoughts of suicide and more. I assured him that I wasn't gay which was important to him to know. I explained how current research points to probable genetic causes of the condition, how it's life-long and cannot be cured, "fixed" by psychotherapy, or suppressed by medication. Inevitably a person with such a condition either seeks hormone therapy and surgical remedies, lives a miserable dysfunctional life or commits suicide, the most common outcome. A little over a month ago, inspired by the courageous example of a co-worker in a similar condition--same diagnosis, single parent, and more--I took steps to change my life. I started therapy and took the turn down the other road, the unknown one, the unsafe one. To me, it's the only road I can take. I can't trod the other road any more.

I knew that I'd have to tell my sons. I had dropped some hints to test their limits. It was clear that the one in college might not be ready yet. The other night I told Ben the entire story. We talked for over four hours and then I went to bed, exhausted, my brain fried, emotionally drained and concluded the happiest day of my life. Ben is 16 years old. He's a great kid, tolerant, intelligent, God-loving, witty and creative. He's also like most 16 year old boys, in and out of love with various girls, plays loud music, throws his dirty clothes on the floor, hopelessly untidy, subject to bouts of teen angst. He's pretty normal for a modern kid in other words. But you just don't expect a normal young person to understand or accept such a revelation about his dad. Dad drives a big 4x4. He has a pair of season tickets to the Mariners. Dad doesn't date though. He doesn't go out much at all, takes heavy medication for depression, and doesn't sleep more than three or four hours a night because of nightmares. Ben always wondered why. Neither of the kids could get me to talk about myself.

Ben told me that he understood. He wanted me to be happy. He wanted whatever I wanted and decided to do to make me happy. He loved me no matter what I did. He cared. And he did understand. He understood me deeper than any adult ever has. He knew that I couldn't get free of this condition and I had to do something about it. He reminded me of all the time we spent together. The times I left work to take home a sick child. The years I coached his soccer team. The places I took him and his brother. The wonderful baseball games where we sat by the bullpen and watched Randy Johnson warm-up. The trips we took. The times we talked. How I was so supportive when he broke up with his girlfriend. And he wanted me to be happy no matter what it took. And he affirmed me as a parent and as a human being and as a Father and a Mother. He didn't need to understand. He only wanted to help. He said if his friends might reject him at some future time if they found out that he'd find truer friends. He hugged me and he smiled. And I, a man outside, a woman inside, cried and hugged him. Sometimes that's all we can do. Sometimes men cry even when people can see them do it.

He even said that he knew why I waited so long to do anything about my condition. He knew it was for the sake of himself and his brother. He knew that I wanted to let his mother finish med school and take her own path although it was away from us. He accepted my life and affirmed it. I've never been prouder or happier. He asked if I would lose my job because of this. I told him how I had already told my HR representative and how supportive and accepting that he was. The company hires our brains, our commitment and our performance, he told me and that's all they're concerned about. I am so proud to work here.

My next huge step will be on Thanksgiving when my other son, Nick, comes home for the holiday. I'll tell him then. First I'll pray for strength and I know it will go well. Thanks for letting me share what a blessing I have been given in the person of my wonderful teenage children.

Cary/Hannah Reinstein

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"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good,
Oh Lord! Please don't let me be misunderstood!"  
(--Nina Simone; The Animals; others)
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"The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is
the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers." -Erich Fromm
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"Remember how they taught you, how much of it was fear. 
 Refuse to hand it down. The legacy stops here." - Melissa Etheridge
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"In the garden of thy heart plant naught but the rose of love" - Baha'u'llah

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