Spice 1996: Another PerspectiveBy Lori Smith I recently returned from The Fourth Annual Spouses'/Partners' International Conference for Education, commonly referred to as S.P.I.C.E. This organization was created in 1992 and is a part of the Tri-Ess educational and support programs. The purpose of S.P.I.C.E. is to provide a forum for dicussion and education about the challenges and feelings experienced by the spouses and partners of crossdressers. While education is a primary component of the event, and believe me, I learned A LOT; I was even more impressed with the wonderful feeling of talking to other women who share a common experience. There were roughly forty of us, seated in a circle, sharing, for many the FIRST time, what it feels like to live with a man who wears women's clothes. Some, like myself, had been told about the crossdressing before fully committing to the relationship. Many others found out several years into a marriage. So often during the sharing a sigh of relief would well up from the whole group as we continually discovered that we are not alone with our experiences and feelings. Participants came from all over the United States as well as Canada. After just a few hours we felt like neighbors, and our unusual circumstances began to feel almost ordinary as we talked, laughed, seethed and cried about what transgender issues mean for us in our relationships. We felt support for all our feelings: anger, frustration, compassion, confusion, delight. And we felt relieved to discover that there is no one, perfect way to handle transgender issues in a relationship. However, we were exposed to, and allowed to practice relationship skills such as a Conflict Resolution Model based on negotiation that gives each member of the couple to a chance to be heard and encourages "win-win" resolutions. We also discussed communication styles and were provided with a model for problem solving. The bottom line at S.P.I.C.E. is that while Crossdressing and related transgender issues are specific to the particular relationships where they occur, all relationships, sooner or later, are subject to stressful problems and issues that cause tension and strain. In that, we are not alone. As with all couples, if there is stress in our relationship we must learn effective ways to communicate our needs and desires while at the same time fully listening and trying to comprehend the needs and desires expressed by our partners. Where we often feel alone is in the social unacceptability of men expressing the outward appearance of women. Often both partners feel ashamed of the behavior and are afraid to discuss it openly with the very people, family and friends, who provide love and support for all other problems and situations. Most often the men find companionship and support from organized groups. Unfortunately, there are fewer groups for the women partners. The keynote speech, by Dr. Carol Cobb-Nettleton, shed a beam of light on what I suspected, but never heard voiced before, to be a crucial facet of the problems couples face concerning crossdressing. Dr. Cobb-Nettleton spoke about human development and what she called "Life Dreams". These are the images and expectations of the future that people begin to form and develop during adolescence. Our "Life Dreams" are based on our family and cultural values as well as our own emerging individuality. As we mature, our "Life Dreams" take on substance and we find ourselves as adults living out the expectations we formed as teens. When our "Life Dream" is threatened or destroyed by agents outside of our control, we experience loss and the need to grieve that loss. Women who believe that they are in the midst of living out their "Life Dream" with their husband or partner, experience a very real sense of loss when crossdressing is revealed or accidentally discovered. I listened to the stories of the forty women in the group and heard everything from revulsion to enjoyment of crossdressing. The women who's "Life Dreams" were founded upon conservative religious and social values appeared to be the most devastated and were struggling the hardest to come to terms with crossdressing. As one woman generously related her many years of reworking her entire belief system in order to remain in her marriage, others nodded and sighed in agreement. This was their story also. Then there are women who formed "Life Dreams" based upon alternatives to mainstream social expectations; or, they confronted disillusionment earlier in their lives and already restructured their "Life Dream" to incorporate acceptance of alternative norms. Women who found out about their husband's crossdressing several years into their marriage had more trouble accepting the behavior than women who knew before making a life commitment to their partner. Given the conditions outlined above, I feel it is safe to conclude that the further the concept of crossdressing deviates from the expectations of a woman's "Life Dream", the deeper is the sense of loss she experiences. For couples, how this loss is handled will have the biggest impact on the survival of the relationship. Unfortunately, loss and grief are life events that our western culture does not prepare us to handle well, even when the loss is something clear cut, like death or terminal illness. So when the issues pertaining to the loss are more subtle, such as the loss of something intangible, like a "Life Dream", most of us find ourselves engaged in a confusing and painful struggle to understand what is happening. A scenario for the struggle might look like this: A women, married for seven years and with two young children, is told by her husband that he is a crossdresser. This man, terrified of loosing the relationship, and equally torn by the secret, makes himself completely vulnerable to possible rejection. The woman, who experiences this news as the sudden shock of deep loss, reacts with intense anger and much crying. Not unlike the reaction many people have to the sudden death of a loved one. However, in this case, no person is dead. Yet, the loss of a "Life Dream" can be as traumatic as death for some people, and must be treated with great understanding and support. What often happens in this scenario is that the husband, already terrified of rejections, interprets his wife's normal reactions to loss as the very rejection he most fears. He becomes defensive and withdraws in order to avoid more hurt just when his wife most needs his love and support. Over time, crossdressing and transgender issues become the focus of the couple's problem, while the powerful need to grieve a very real loss becomes ignored and buried. In any relationship, unresolved grief over any significant loss can undermine and destroy the relationship. Another scenario involves identical circumstances, however, both partners recognize the expression of anger and sadness as reactions to loss and the beginning of the grieving process. The husband does not immediately interpret his wife's strong emotions as rejection. He acknowledges the validity of her feelings, comforts and supports her. Above all, he listens to her concerns without defensiveness. Feeling loved by her husband, the wife begins to accept and integrate the new information. Over time, as long as honest communication is valued and practiced, it becomes possible for the couple to let go of old "Life Dreams" that no longer serve their current relationship and forge new expectations for a future together that incorporates the presence of crossdressing in the relationship to a degree acceptable to both partners. I hear a lot about partners who are initially accepting of crossdressing, only to become hostile and rejecting further down the road. In these cases, the partner may be consciously or unconsciously denying their feelings of grief and loss. Repressed feelings often find their way out many months or even years after the loss event. If the partners involved do not already have open communication built into their relationships, the wife may feel overwhelmed by her husband's crossdressing activities, become increasingly frightened by the changes in the relationship, and finally feeling that she must exit the relationship. Again, if the couple can address this situation as unresolved grief, it may be possible to express the feelings and save the relationship. When the couple cannot handle the stress on their own, many seek help from counselors. However, what often happens is that the counselor has little or no experience with gender issues. Sessions are spent educating the counselor and feeling frustrated over the gender issues themselves. While it would make sense for a counselor to educate themselves about gender issues when working with clients for whom this is an issue; he or she probably has had training in helping clients deal with loss. Many therapists work with clients who experience anger, sadness, depression due to losses involving death, chronic illness, unemployment, environmental disaster, etc. The perceived losses associated with a partner's revelation about crossdressing can be addressed the same as any other loss that results in the degree of feeling experienced by the couple being treated. When I was nineteen years old I experienced the sudden deaths of my parents six weeks apart. I spent many years denying the anguish I felt. After twelve years of increasingly poor health, phobias, and general inability to get my life in order, I sought the help of a therapist who helped me begin the grieving process I ignored for so long. Within months my health improved, I was able to remain in a job I enjoyed, and I began to get out from under the layers of grief that kept me feeling numb for so long. The feelings that emerged were anger, sadness, loneliness, fear. They are the feelings associated with any loss. While this is perhaps my strongest response to S.P.I.C.E., there are other experiences I want to share on this Page for Partners; so keep checking for updates. If you feel that any of this applies to you and your partner, and you want to connect, please E-mail me at Yvonne's address. I will receive the mail if you indicate in the SUBJECT heading that the e-mail is for Lori. I am in the process of researching links to grief and loss support where you may be able to get some further information. |