Dear Rachael,



I am a CD/TV who would like to come out as Amanda at work.

Could you give any advice on how I should approach my employers?

Thanks
Amanda

Dear Amanda:

In a word, don't! Well, that is the best advice that I can give with the little information received. It really depends on the type of work you do, your employer and the employees. There have been some that have pulled it off with class, some who have lasted just a little while before "being let go" and others that have been fired outright.

Rachael

Dear Rachael:

Help, I desperately need someone to talk to..... I just need to let go and let it all out before I fall apart. I'm a 20 year old male with a deep yearning to be female. I think a little bit of background would be helpful for you to understand how I got into the situation I'm in now. I was abused as a child and was put into foster care when I was about 10. I've always had fantasies about being taken away and offered the chance to become a girl, or even forced to become female, not that I would have needed much forcing. My female identity didn't really surface until about three years ago when I discovered the Internet and things like MOOs and things like that.

I was able to create a female character and play that role, real-time, with other people. I was accepted as a female, in fact, I still am accepted as a female on my favorite MOO, which I spend a lot of time on. To be totally honest, I wasn't aware that my fantasy could become reality until just recently when, on a whim, I went into my local library and punched up "Sex-change" on the search computer. Imagine my surprise when a whole list of biographies came up from folks who had actually gone through the procedure! I was ecstatic.

Now, here's the rub. Back to my being in foster care, I was living in a male group home from when I was 12 until I was 16. I met a friend at school and soon we became best buddies and I started going over his house. I wanted so much to get out of the foster care situation that I wanted to stay there most of the time. I was eventually considered a part of the family and found out about many of the problems that they had encountered, especially my friend's mother. Her husband was a transvestite and he liked to wear pantyhose to bed with her and such things. She didn't like it, she "wasn't" accepting of this and he still forced her. Obviously, this caused her some emotional damage. Her and I talked about this at great length and we developed feelings for each other.

We fell in love with each other and started a relationship of our own. Not to mention that her oldest son is one year older than me and she's 45 years old. This was before I knew that my transsexual feelings were a lot more common than I thought they were. She doubted her own femininity because other problems with her husband. Now, here's where I come in. We fell in love and that fixed that until I started showing indications of traveling in the same direction. I would never do what her husband did to her, I would never damage her emotions in that way.

So, I keep myself hidden. Lucky snoop that she is, she kept uncovering things that I couldn't answer. She found out about my female identity on the Internet. We were three years on in our relationship and she moved out of her house and we were living in her father's house with her youngest daughter who is 9. She did "not" like the fact that I assumed a female role on the Internet. I knew she wouldn't be accepting, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt her the way her husband did, so I gave in. I left the Internet for a while. But, while I had effectively forsaken the female part of myself bound to the Internet, every time I walked into a grocery store and saw models on the covers of magazines or went to the beach and saw pretty females in bathing suits or even watched a young, pregnant mother sift through maternity clothes, I ached inside for something that I wanted to be but believed I never could. Until I went down to the library and found out that it was possible. Here's the dilemma. I'm stuck in a situation that I feel is my fault, she makes me feel like she forsake her husband to be with me (which may be true). But, I want to be female. After I had found out about it, the seed just sprouted like wildfire, I started collecting "everything" I could find on transsexuals.

A couple of months ago I started shaving my chest. Eventually though, she wanted to be close to me and touch my chest and what was I supposed to do. "You shaved your chest, aaagh!," she said. I just shook my head and told her that I was curious as to how it felt. She accepted this, more or less, but I never shaved any part of my body since.

What do I do? I don't want to open her old wound by breaching the topic and telling her the truth about my budding transsexualism, but every time I see a female or she tells me about how her daughter is "finally" getting a feminine shape, an icy fist closes around my heart. Do I have a right to pursue this part of my life or did I give up that right trying to heal an emotional wound caused by someone else? Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? How can I breach the topic without hurting her or more importantly.... How can I convince her that my transsexualism doesn't bear at all on her own femininity?

Its all terribly unfair, I'm confused. I want to cross-dress but I can't. She want to be in "every" part of my life. I don't have the money to see a counselor. Jobs are so difficult to come by on Eastern Long Island, NY. I barely make enough money to support the both of us and that's only a temp job which will be gone by April. Then I have to be dependent on her unless I find another job What do I do? I need some advice.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on and on. The thing I'm most afraid of now is the response. I once asked a friend on my MOO what was wrong with me that I seemed to rub folks the wrong way. I hope that I didn't bear too much on you.

Cassandra

Dear Cassandra:

Where to start? Your letter is long and complex but there is a central theme: You have a strong desire to cross dress or maybe even have a sex change (the latter is unclear to me). You broke up a marriage and are involved with a 45 year old lady who left her cross dressing husband to be with you as you were straight (in her mind). You do not want to hurt her by telling her the truth so you live a lie and still fantasize about "becoming a woman!" You continue to live in poverty and misery.

Wow! Understand this, you are hurting her, and yourself, more each day you live this ruse. The longer you maintain this absurd relationship, the more it will hurt both of you. She has the right to know and you the right to pursue your desires. Cut both of your losses soon.

Find a counselor and get help . . . you really need to talk many issues out; cross dressing is just one of them. There are many programs around that offer services on a sliding scale or even free. Right now, you two are headed for an emotional disaster. Good luck hon,

Rachael

Dear Rachael:
My name is Debbie. I have recently made up my mind to quit fighting and give in. I am going to pursue becoming Debbie on a full time basis. My trouble is I am having a hard time finding a therapist. Could you possibly recommend one? I would be greatfull for any help you could give me. Thanks for being here,

Love, Debbie

Dear Debbie:

Tell me more, hon. Where are you from? What is your history? Clearly this was a big step for you, i.e., getting the courage to write to me. Giving in, as you say, might prove to be the healthiest step of all, if you do it in a responsible manner. Right now, though, all I could say is go to the yellow pages.

Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I recently read a letter from Keanu and your reply. She was concerned about her height - a mere 6'3" (I'm 6'5") and the fact she had never been out in public. She had fought her feelings for many years to the point of becoming unwell.

I was delighted with your reply: '.....height should not stop you. There are many very tall ladies GGs and TVs that pull it off with class'. I fought my TSism for over 40 years because of my height but last December walked with dignity through the streets of London to visit my psychiatrist for my first visit. I feel one has to be that much better than the average if you are tall. One has to believe in oneself and as I cannot alter my height I am making every effort to alter my voice to allow me to cope with all the rubbish life is going to throw at me as Fiona.

Many thanks for listening and keep up the good work. Incidentally, regards and best wishes to Keanu in her quest.

Fiona Dear Fiona:

It was so nice of you to respond with such kind comments. Good luck to you.

Rachael

Dear Rachael (E-Mail 1 in a series of 4 From Krista):

I am a 17 yr old T.S. who is from a small town. I am all alone and need help. My mother doesn't know all the details but has trouble with. I do dress some times at a close girl friends house once a week. I would like to know If there are any support groups around Niagara falls, St. Catharines, or Welland Ontario. I getting therapy but I still can't handle it I'm really depressed and can't live as a man much longer. help from KRISTA.

Dear Rachael (E-mail 2)

Hi there. I sorry about the last letter if you took it the wrong way. I thought that because I never got an e-mail back today from you. I was only asking if that was a sign that I was a hermaphrodite or not . tomorrow is a great day I'm going shopping for a new summer dress actually my first. I go shopping with my girl friend a lot. I buy stuff all the time( my mother hates this).

Here is a little bit about me. For as long as I can remember I had these feelings of being wrong. When I was young I was a very small for a boy. I was always told I was too skinny. As the I got older around the age of around nine or ten things got bad. I was teased a lot at school because I wasn't rough and was very quiet. As the years went by I started putting on weight because of my depression and loneliness. I'm not that big of a girl around 180.

Sometimes I think that I was put on this earth to suffer. I missed all the joys my best friend Sabrina had like when she told that her mother bought her a training bra or when I was at her house and her mother was helping her with her makeup. The worst thing of all is being isolated and locked away from the true me. I wish that I could just move away and make some friends and be myself. I need your help to find a support group or someone as soon as you can thanks

Krista

Dear Rachael (E-mail 3)

I know it because you are probably busy. You know I always do everything wrong you know I wrote a letter to Cindy for you and hope you didn't take it the wrong way. I'm just a scared girl who is having trouble going on. Sometimes I feel I can't go on anymore, all my life I was treated like a freak at school for most of my life everybody teased me, always getting rejected pushed away, I cry a lot because I can't do anything, sometimes I think that they are right, I don't know what to do but am falling apart more and more and if you guys don't talk to me because I wrote a stupid letter because my body has been going nuts for so long and nothing is good in my life, my mother tries buying me things other than what I want anything to try to get it out of me, Just please write me back and tell me your still looking for a support group because, if you reject me to and think that I am just lying that I don't think I can go on, All the time now my mother doesn't want to be around me and my good friend Sabrina avoids sometimes and doesn't want me there when here boyfriends home and maybe I am a piece old crap you know that nobody cares about. From

Krista

Dear Rachael (E-Mail 4)

Thanks for your support. If you find out any support groups in the area e-mail me. I have another problem. since I was about 12 my penis(The thing I hate the most) has been sucking inside to the point that its not there. Is this any thing I should worry about and also My left breast is growing a little. I hope you can help find a place where I can learn to be my true self and make myself beautiful because my girl friend has trouble dealing with it a bit and won't show me how to do my make up and hair.

Dear Krista:

You have written E-mails before I had a chance to get back to you other than the cursory contact we had originally. I did some research on a support group near you with no luck. But, in the meantime, hang in there! While I had your feelings when I was your age, I buried them for many years. How, now, I wish that society were as open and understanding as it is now! Believe it or not, you are on the (early) road to being a far happier person for having dealt with your gender feelings now. Continue to see your counselor, look for way to "tell" your mom with your counselor's guidance. It may be easier than you think! Where and when you can, express yourself as the female you want to be . . . if that's really your desire; one day a week? Sounds like that is probably not enough. I advise you to see a medical doctor as well; it is not natural to have a penis as you describe nor a breast that is developing.

Remember this though, you are a minor, and as such, are under the control of your Mom! Yes, that means you have to do as she says! When you reach the age of majority that will change. It sounds like you really need to chat with other TVs, etc.. This is good for you as it helps get all this frustration out.

I have tried to locate a support group in your area, but cannot locate one. If any of our readers are aware of one, please leave a message with Cindy who will forward it to me and I will get it to you. Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I just wanted to know if there are any places I could go in St. Louis to met and become friends with transgenders, I would like any help you could give me.

Thanks Lott

Dear Lott:

Check out this forum for listings of support groups and be sure to visit the Community Center where the St. Louis Gender Foundation has a site.

Rachael

Dear Rachael: It has been a few months since I last contacted you. It has now been about 9 months since I decided to try facing up to my cross dressing. If you recall, I sought advice from you a couple of months ago. You posted my note in February's Dear Rachel column.

Since then, my wife and I have been to counseling. After about 3 months of this, we have stopped. During the counseling, I tried to express how strong the urge to cross dress in me was. My wife still thinks that it is totally a sexual thing, and will not accept that it is another side of me that will not go away. She thinks that instead of cross dressing, that I should direct my sexual affections toward her. I have told her that I my urge to cross dress would not go away. Needless to say, our sex life has suffered because of this. The counselor tried to get her to be more accepting of my behavior, but she has resisted.

I continue to indulge in my 'dress up' sessions only when I am alone. My wife still does not want to see me dress up. This is mainly during lunch breaks from work, when I go home and dress for about 45 minutes each day during the work week. This is about the only time I have to become 'Michelle'. The urge to dress seems to be getting stronger. I now wear panties and pantyhose everyday all day long under my work clothes. I am feeling more and more isolated and alone. It helps cruising the Web, knowing I have the T.G. community on the 'Net. I have subscribed to CD Digest. I have even begun buying cross dressing fantasy books to read. The more I read about the cross dressing lifestyle, the more I am becoming comfortable with myself.

I am beginning to feel like I would like to reach out and contact others like me. I don't know whether I should, since I fear risking my marriage if I was found out. I would appreciate any advice you may have for me. Thanks.

Michelle.

Dear Michelle:

Good to hear from you again. Counseling sometimes works and sometimes does not. Sometimes it will work for you, but not for your wife; this seems to be the case here. You could go to another counselor, but there is no guarantee that will work. One good sign is that you are feeling much more comfortable about yourself. Great!

Rachael

Dear Rachael: In many ways, I am a very impulsive person. I have had many interests and hobbies over the years. Some would last only a few weeks, but others would last a few years before something else would capture my attention.

My cross dressing episodes have been few. When I was 12 or 13 I tried on my mother's stockings and girdle (she didn't wear them any longer, panty hose was the new rage). Stole the stockings and would wear them in bed at night. Well I seemed to out grow that. The next incident involving cross dressing was when I was 20 and in the Corps. I was not the cross dresser, but a young fellow fresh out of boot camp came back to the squad bay dressed in drag. Other guys began giving him a hard time, and then it turned violent. I remember feeling sorry for the guy as we broke up the fight. Not only did I feel sorry for him, but I also wished I had the courage to do what he had done. Okay, fast forward in time, I have bought sexy lingerie for my wife, but she is not interested in wearing it. It looks so sensual....so one day while she and the kids are away, I try it on. It is sensual, and feels wonderful. But I then after the initial feeling of sensual sex, I felt goofy wearing it, because I looked like a line-backer wearing garter belt and stockings.

While surfing the net I stumbled onto the T.G. world. Desires that I have suppressed for years came flooding to the surface, and suddenly this is something that want to do. So I start looking at everyone's home pages and am amazed at the results these girls have achieved. Now, not only do I want to do it, but I want to be damn good at it.

All of this boils down to these questions. Is this just a passing fad, will I find an interesting story on earthworm farming and jump into it? How do I know? Most hobbies don't change a person's life as radically as this past time would. Yet it is more than a hobby or interest, but what is it? Well I'm rambling. Do you think that I should get counseling right away, before going any further? Thanks.

Dear Ms. Impulsive:

Is this a passing fancy . . . a fad? That's hard to say. There is a clue in you note, though. This theme keeps reoccurring from time to time. It, as you say, comes "flooding to the surface." That is passion, my dear. It feel good and gives you a sense of well being I'll bet. My guess is that these feelings will be with you, more or less, all of your life. The could even get stronger and more pervasive. Counseling? You bet . . . go for it! It certainly will not hurt and will probably will allow you to put all of this in perspective.

It is important that your wife doesn't think you can put it away forever more. Does the fact that you have to do it only at lunch mean that you wife does not know or just that she does not want to see you? The former is wise, the latter is okay. Sometimes wives need a great deal of time to come to grips with their very feminine husband . . . it can take years. Your patience is mandatory if you value your marriage. Negotiate "dressing" time with her, if possible. It is not wise to perpetrate a lie by letting her think you are over that foolishness (smile).

Yes, and it is possible that there will be no negotiation, no understanding ever, no tolerance, but it is awfully soon to draw that conclusion unless there are some other major problems in you marriage. You say your desire to dress is becoming stronger . . . This is common . . . many of us say that it increases with each minute of our lives! Just make sure you bring balance into your married life for she probably will not stay married to a "full time woman."

Rachael


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