A woman I work with asked me this question today. Although I haven't known her long, nor is she involved in a transgendered relationship, she nonetheless is well aware that I am passionately in love with my partner and am determined to make this relationship work. She sees me walk into work with a smile on my face, she hears me make my noontime call to Vanessa, and she sees me rushing out of the office everyday, in a hurry to get home. I assume she felt that I might have something to offer about intimacy in a relationship and I felt honored that she would ask.
As I thought about it , I felt that, more and more, transgendered relationships really aren't that much different from non-transgendered ones. True, there are the issues that having one partner transgendered brings to the relationship, but overall, the things that build intimacy in a non-transgendered relationship also build intimacy in a transgendered relationship.
In all honesty, I can't help but feel that had I applied what I am about to share with you, to my previous relationships, they might have succeeded. However, what is past is past, and what is the most important thing in my life is my partnership with Vanessa. Therefore, I am truly trying to do all the special things that make a relationship work, as is Vanessa.
The first thing I would suggest is that the couple be constantly affectionate, in a non-sexual way. By this, I mean touching, kisses, lots of hugs, holding hands, reaching out at night with your hand or foot and touching him or her, snuggling when you go to bed or first wake up. Every human being needs affection, and who else can give that affection best but your partner?
Express interest in what your partner is doing. An example of this is when I sit on a stool next to her chair, as Vanessa works on her web page on the Net. It's often complicated stuff which I do not understand, but to me, the important thing is that I care enough to be interested. If things get too complicated or boring, I simply pick up a book, sit back down next to her, simply because I find joy in being near her at all times.
This is an extension of companionship. By companionship, I mean offering friendship to your partner. Who else is to be your best friend? You need to be there not only physically, but mentally and emotionally for your partner. Companionship does not always have to encompass talking; some of the loveliest of moments are sitting together in silent communion, where the threads of connection draw you together in silent bonding. If you open your mind and soul, you can hear what the other thinks. Try it - you'd be surprised how often you'll know what your partner is thinking. Companionship alleviates loneliness. If your love connection is healthy and strong, you will not be lonely.
I firmly believe that a couple should do things together. Do the grocery shopping together each week. Instead of going out to the pubs with the "girls", or shopping with friends, go out together. Read the same books, share especially poignant sections or something that is funny. Make a date with your partner. Treat them with love by making the date special. Do something unusual, rather than the same old thing you always do. Make it romantic or exciting and fun. Surprise them, and make it an evening they will look forward to and remember with happiness.
Tell your partner often that you love him or her. We all need to hear this. Yes, we can show them our love by doing things, but there is something extraordinarily reassuring to hear your partner tell you how much you are loved. Say it because you mean it, not because you feel you have to. Compliment your partner - but do it honestly. Empty compliments can hurt. Better yet to look for the beautiful things about your partner - both outer and inner beauty, and express your appreciation for them. It is okay to lovingly and gently tease, and fun to do so; but be sure you never make fun of your partner in a mean way. Never laugh at your partner; instead, be sure that you only laugh with your partner. Never purposely hurt, for that destroys intimacy quicker than anything else.
Share a physical intimacy, in a non-sexual way. By this, I mean spend as much time as you can with your partner, including private times, like bathing. I often sit on the bathroom floor as Vanessa bathes; she adores long, hot baths, and I sit with her, talking, admiring, helping her shave. These are very special moments to me and I wouldn't give them up for anything. Likewise, often Vanessa will come in while I am bathing and wash my back, or even more special, wash my hair, which I find delightful.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. As life partners, it is important to be open to your partner at all times. No one is perfect; there will be things about yourself which you might not like, just as there will be things about your partner which irritate you or you don't care for. However, true intimacy is acknowledging this and learning to live with it.
Do not try to change your partner. Too many people enter relationships with the idea that they will change the things they don't like in their partner, thus having a perfect relationship. This is baloney. You can't change another person. You can change yourself, or at least your behavior, but to try to change someone else into what you perceive as the perfect person is unfair and unrealistic. An example might be that I am a shy person; that cannot be changed, for it is part of who I am. However, if I am a sloppy person, then that is changeable. It is a behavior that can be repatterned.
Don't separate work such as housekeeping into traditional men and women roles. Instead recognize that your partner is capable of doing just about anything he or she wants to do. Historically, we've had "woman's work" or "men's work", and that is, to me, a slap in the face to the intelligence each partner possesses. It is so important that we respect our partner's intelligence and abilities. I would suggest managing the family finances as a start - we pay our bills together, we balance the checkbook together. We share in the housework. We do all our grocery shopping together. We share the cooking, too. Obviously, due to sheer strength, there are going to be things that my husband can do that I cannot, such as heavy lifting. However, these are limited and overall, we can, and do, share in the workload, as well as in managing our finances.
Do little things for your partner, like leaving them love notes, or bringing them flowers. Yes, men like receiving such gifts, too. Bring your husband or partner a rose and leave it on his pillow. Or buy him something sexy, like underwear. The little things have big meaning in a relationship.
And finally, look for real sexual intimacy. For so many couples, passion becomes the mundane, and the excitement dies. For those in transgendered relationships, this may become a major issue which the couple must deal with before moving on. However, I can only say that I believe that you should make love constantly. I don't mean once or twice a week, I mean daily, every day, several times a day. Make your partner aware of your passion for him or her. Try different things to avoid boredom. If you want to make love, take the initiative and go for it. Learn to abandon yourself to your partner and to the love-play. Learn to live out fantasies, and don't allow moral values to interfere with this. A fantasy is simply a wishful dream; to live it out, as long as it doesn't hurt, and with your life partner, is total fulfillment. Work hard to get over your self-consciousness and shyness. This is hard, I know, but once done, you can find such delight in your love-play. I simply cannot keep my hands off my partner. I get what he calls, hormone rushes; these happen when I am thinking of him and get lovely sensations coursing through me. It can happen at work or in the grocery store or in the car; it is simple desire for the one I love and with whom I am happiest with. Don't allow tiredness or stress or pressures or kids to interfere with your love life. It is a rare gift and one that should be cherished and nurtured. If you don't, it will die, and thus adversely affect the relationship as a whole. Make your love life vital, interesting, passionate, overwhelming. Make it something to die for.
Only you and your partner can judge the importance the relationship
plays in your lives. If it is not number one, then you have a problem.
Some of these ideas may help you put it back into perspective and give
you the desire to revitalize what may seem dead. Try them, for they can't
hurt, that's for sure. Good luck!
Hugs, Linda