My parents caught me when I was 7 and made me feel awful about it. They don't bring it up directly, just sly remarks. Dad has attempted to "change" me by announcing regularly over the years how proud he is that his son isn't a (fag, queer, etc) and that his boy is "all man." This is crushing. My two teenage children recently found out, they seem ok on the outside, but I know they are having a hard time dealing with it. I willfully went out once in NYC and almost passed out from fear. One man was impressed by my legs and smiled. I began to recompose, but then a minute later a women burst out laughing in my face.
While I am small, I have an extremely deep voice and very dark facial hair so passing is all but impossible. These fears have led me to desiring embarrassment and being forcefully exposed. I think I could maintain a more normal life if I had breasts, this would forced me to show myself and leave me no alternatives. During my teen years, I came seriously close to suicide many times. I have had 2 years of counseling and that helped for awhile (sorta). I don't think I can continue to live completely as a man for many more years but I can't afford surgery, hormones, or counseling. I am desperate...PLEASE HELP ME
Too many years have gone by with you living in this state of depression; you must seek more counseling. Yes you can afford it! If your finances are such that you cannot afford the full and normal price for a counselor, look for those that charge on a sliding scale or who perform group therapy.
While your desire to come out is healthy and normal (er . . . at least for TVS, TSs & TGs), you seem to be exposing yourself to dangerous situations that could lead to you being hurt or worse! It is not uncommon to want to be "caught" to be exposed to the world so that you can "then" live as you want to. Actually though, life doesn't work that way. Your methods of achieving freedom could put you in the category of having a mental disorder; the mere act of cross dressing without exposing yourself to dangers will not!
You are not alone and you definitely need to join a support group . . . we are all around you . . . on this forum as well as others. It is amazing what you can learn from others in the way off "passing" to include covering heavy beard, applying cosmetics and dressing appropriately. Keep reaching out and do get the professional help that you need.
Rachael
My name is Amanda. I am a heterosexual Cross Dresser (well I am unsure about the label CD). I'm Heterosexual in the sense that I am attracted to women when I am Amanda or my male persona (unfortunately I have one). I've been really encouraged by reading some of the MtF articles in TGFs Library and it has been really great talking to people via the Net. I would really like to go to work as Amanda, but am realizing that it may be just to difficult to pluck up the courage to go 'dressed up'. Do you know if any TG folk in SF have used the recent legislation and have successfully gone to work dressed as their female selves (here I am talking about TVS/CDS).
Thanks,
Amanda
Dear Amanda:
Yes, I do know of three individuals that have made the change at work. In one case, the individual lost her job, but wearing women's clothes was not given as the reason. The other two have made the transition in the past two to three years. As of this writing their transition has been remarkably smooth. Each were headed for SRS. I think that the key to their successes at the work place were and are attributable to the following:
Each was well liked and respected in their own professions as people and, incidently, as men. They are just lovely people.
Each took the time to work out the details of the transition with the human resources departments in their own agencies. They didn't just "pop" in one day and say, "here I am . . . like it or lump it!" A lot of work was done to make the transition easy for them and the other employees and peers.
After the transition, they continued to conduct themselves as professional women. They look sharp, dress sharp and act sharp.
Their methodology serves as a perfect paradigm for those who care to come out at work with a minimum of fuss or offense.
Now, admittedly these last two ladies were transsexuals. The one who did not make it was the TV/TG. Maybe it was just coincidence or maybe it is easier to accept a person who is permanently changing sex as opposed to one who flips back and forth. It does raise and interesting question. Is TS more legitimate (in peoples minds) than TV/TG. I don't know!
In a later E-mail you had asked if it were normal to fantasize about having a relationship with someone of the same sex, while dressed as Amanda: Well hon, I can't say how normal it is, but it is not all that uncommon even though one is a heterosexual. So don' fret!
Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I am Anastasia from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. I am a heterosexual cross dresser. I am 31 years old and feels lonely most of the time. Can you tell me if there is any help or news group out there that can help me or give me some exposure for a chance to find a girl who would appreciate cross dressing?
Anastasia
Dear Anastasia:
Yes, there are many organizations and groups that may be of interest to you. You can find them list on this forum as well as in the Tapestry Journal, of Wayland, Maine, which comes out quarterly. I know several fine "belles" from Canada both as TV's and TS's. So hon, you are not alone up there in beautiful Canada.
Rachael
Dear Rachael:
I'm, a 42 year old CD who has been in the closet for about 7 years. I live the Cleveland, Ohio area and am looking for some support groups so I can meet other sisters like myself. I have had no luck. I really wish to meet talk and be with other people like myself. Do you have ant suggestions?
Charlene
Dear Charlene:
Yes, see my note to Anastasia. There are resources here on the TS forum and through the Tapestry Journal. Also, for you as a CompuServe member, "GO CB" and then select one of the adult forums ( one or two) and then tune into Channel 13, the cross dressing channel for "chat." As an alternative, "GO HSX" and join and advise the Sysop that you are an adult, are a cross dresser and would like access to that "protected forum . . . have fun!
Rachael
I'll try to give you a resume of my history. My history starts when I was three years old; my sister and a cousin were playing changing their personalities with costumes, I was crying because they did not let me play. Then they dressed me like a little black girl. I remember that a felt so happy! Then I grew up "Normally" until I was 11 or 12 years when I found that I preferred to dress myself like a girl.
Here, in Mexico, all of men are very restricted about the things that a boy can do. These feelings I kept secret until my sister discovered me (My parents sent me to a shrink, but the doctor couldn't do anything). I studied in a only boys school and that helped maintain the secret but I was obsessed to become a girl and to go at my sisters school.
I remembered a dream where I was dressed with a lovely nightdress and I looked at me in a mirror and saw a wonderful breasts, I was soo happy. My life continued with my secret. I had no more than 4 or 5 girlfriends but I always preferred that the girls started the situation (a very feminine thing). I married and now I have a 8 years old boy and a 10 years old girl.
At beginning my married my life seemed normal but I still was a closeted CD until my wife discover me. I explained everything and she understood me and gave me support to change myself. Then, I started to take hormones and went out with her like a good friends. Then we planned how can I would get a sex change operation.
This is when a real interesting change in my life came to pass, but I will tell it in at other time..
Dear Karina:
Your story is very interesting, particularly since you are a resident and citizen of Mexico. I know that it must be very difficult to deal with the Machismo aspect of the culture will trying to feminize yourself. While it is probably more difficult to connect with groups in your country, I know that there are individuals who are CDS I Mexico. Of course I cannot divulge their names, but rest assured, they are there. In the meantime, you can bridge the culture gap by using the Internet as you have done so far. Please notice that I make reference to the Tapestry Journal in my responses to others whom have written. I have, in the past, seen CDS from Mexico listed there. Perhaps you can make contact through that Journal. And . . . . I'd love to hear the rest of your history when you have the time.
Rachael
At the age of 59 I took early retirement and became very interested in cross dressing. Learning most of what I knew through online contacts I then read some recommended books and magazines. Now, after one year the desire to cross dress is stronger than ever, but I find it difficult to move beyond what might be called the lingerie stage. I would like to dress completely, use makeup and a wig, at least in the privacy of my home. My wife accepts the lingerie, but I've found it difficult to even approach her on the subject of going further with this. Now the idea of cross dressing is a obsession with me, taking over many, many hours when I could be doing other things. Yet, I have not even gone out and learned enough about sizes, makeup, wigs and the other things I need to know to cross dress successfully. How can I get off this dime and move ahead? Do you think I should see a therapist? If so, how does one pick someone who does not always consider cross dressing abnormal behavior?
Laura Dear Laura:
Yes, by all means, see a therapist. Take your wife, too. It will help you understand where you are and where you are going. Cross dressing can be very compulsive . . . an imperative in your life. It need not, however, take over your whole life unless that is your choice. Your wife will have something to say about this as well. In fact, she may put limits on what she will tolerate; beyond that, she may seek a divorce.
These are the kind of issues that you, your wife and your therapist must come to grips with . . . . before you start talking about your next steps into woman hood (i.e., going out dressed and how to do it well). Your story may not have a "happy" ending. You may have to compromise more than you want to in order to keep your marriage in tact. Or you may have to end your marriage to fulfill your needs or your wife's needs. All of this can be painful.
Finding a therapist is not easy . . . look in your phone book for therapist who specializes in gender issues, sex, etc.. Phone those people and discuss with them your history and see if they can help or refer you to someone who can. Good Luck.
Rachael
I'm not so much mixed up myself as trying to figure out where I fit into the TG spectrum. I have just discovered the incredible choice of contacts that can be made via Internet, but I don't seem to find the right spot for myself. I am 60. I have cross dressed to some degree all my life and I am not bothered by that. I don't have any desire to pass in public (it would probably require super human effort). I simply enjoy wearing stockings, feminine clothing in general, and girdles in particular. This might be more fetish than TV, but when I look at the various publications and home pages I find I feel much more at home with the TV community, and there is no doubt that my interests do go beyond simply dressing myself to turn on. The problem is that whenever I find some link that looks as if it is for me, it inevitably turns out to have the added dimension of domination which is definitely not my scene.
I am very happy in my choice, and life is made even better by the fact that my wife is not in the least bothered by my choices of clothing. I don't think she quite appreciates what an inner compulsion it is, and I would occasionally like to be in touch with kindred spirits. Maybe you could help me find precisely where I belong, hopefully in a place where men can happily wear nylons, girdles, slips and flowing dresses, because they just like it; where they can also interact with women as friends, not as subjugated french maids. I'm also searching for the right name; for the time being let me sign myself,
Ocal.
Dear Ocal:
Sometimes we really get hung up in finding just the right labels for ourselves, others, etc.. What does it really matter? No matter what your proclivity is, cross dressing, fetishism, ad nauseam, you will find, as you have, that we are all alike in many ways and dissimilar in many ways. There is no right paradigm for all cross dressers or any other groups. So, enjoy the diversity.
Rachael
This is the first time I've ever communicated with anyone as "Suzy". I'm 25 years old, 5'11" 145 lbs, with blonde hair & blue eyes. I've fought the urges to dress-up since childhood, but until I found the Internet, I just figured that I was so far away from anyone else like me, that it would remain an annoying fantasy. I am very uncertain as to what I should do. My girlfriend has homosexual friends who are TS and she thinks it's great. I don't know if she'd have the same openness to her heterosexual boyfriend doing it. At the moment I'm writing this with BLACK pantyhose on because I don't even have the courage to find out what she'd think of me shaving my legs. I don't think I would want to undergo any physical changes (though, I would love to have breasts and nice shapely hips) because it would ruin my career in broadcasting. Are there any broadcasting jobs for TS/TG/CD's? In short, at age 25, I think I'd make a very cute & attractive woman. Should I go ahead with what is aching to be let out and risk wrecking my life or do I wait until I'm 45 and feel sad that I didn't do it sooner. I don't even know where I'd find a psychologist who would understand. What's next? I'm confused.
Suzy
Dear Suzy:
I like your name. Let me deal with the last thing first. No, you should not wait until you are 45 to move on your feelings. Many of us have done just that and the results are terrible. Those who stay in the closet often have bouts of serious depression, are perceived by others to be aloof, cold, unfriendly, indifferent, ad infinitum. Suppressing your feelings effects your well being.
Now having said that, let me caution you. Could your coming out now affect you career in broadcasting? Count on it hon, it most likely will. Most people still look at us as though we are weird, even though there is more tolerance for us now. You know, it's the, "just don't do it I my neighborhood" syndrome. And if you do lose your job of not get that promotion, the reason given will probably not be related to your proclivity. They will conveniently find another reason.
If you went through SRS, could you land a job in broadcasting by not telling about you past? Maybe! Women are better represented in that field now, but your past might come back to haunt you. You would have to be ready, emotionally to handle that, perhaps financially as well.
There are ways you can have your cake and eat it too. See elsewhere in this column on how it is best to transition at work . . . at least in my opinion. The alternative choice is to not dress at work and reserve that aspect of your life for home. But what about your significant other? She may find that your activity is as much of a joy as she does the activities of her friends . . . Then again, maybe not. This is a bridge that is better crossed now, I believe. If she accepts, great! If she does not, as much as it hurts, it is time to move on; it will hurt much more later, believe me!
Lastly, find yourself a counselor to help you through this. To do well, no matter which way you go, you have to be on solid ground insofar as feeling good and accepting yourself for who you are. Check out the TV/TS/TG forums for counselors that specialize in the field. I know that in the SF. Bay Area, there are some very fine ones.
Good luck hon,
Rachael