At convention for S.O.s

S.P.I.C.E.: Some Sugar, Some Not So Nice

By Dana B
Both my wife P. and I are struggling to understand my need and desire to crossdress and how we can best cope in our marriage in a way that is fair to both of us. I knew that we were in the right place to work towards this goal when I read in a handout that, "The purpose of S.P.I.C.E. was to provide a forum for discussion and education about the issues of crossdressers' spouses and partners."

The Spouses' and Partners' International Conference for Education is, as a handout describes, a "program specifically for genetic females who identify as spouses or committed partners of heterosexual male crossdressers." Knowing that "husbands or male partners are welcome, and programs are presented for them, but crossdressing itself is not permitted at the conference," I willing attended all four days of S.P.I.C.E.'96 in male drag.

Another reason I accompanied P. to the Wilmington, DE event was that I knew that we would both enjoy the same sessions and presentations but at different times. The wives/female partners always met in a separate room from the husbands/male partners, including lunch (dinners were joint). Sessions were conducted with the participants and presenters seated in the round which I felt fostered an atmosphere of intimacy, sharing and friendship.

This year's theme was "The Gift of Unconditional Love" and I found much of the program aimed toward helping us improve our communications skills. S.P.I.C.E.'96 materials claimed that "By enhancing communication between couples and promoting mutual respect for each other's needs, S.P.I.C.E. would encourage the renewal of lifelong love."

While I could not disagree with all this, I did share my own frustration that when the matter of my crossdressing comes up in our household the bottom falls out of our marital world and my wife and I are plunged into a torrent of emotion that makes any communication technique difficult to use. Needless to say, I found the sessions that encouraged expression of feeling and education about our emotions to be most helpful.

Too Much Reliance On Stereotypes

S.P.I.C.E. organizers hoped that "this educational forum would encourage the integration of crossgender expression into life-committed relationships, while maintaining ordinary family values." The program and presenters did stay this course but relied far too heavily on common gender myths and stereotypes to do so. Many of us in attendance willingly shared our life stories and the presenters' repeated reference to stereotypes took us away form our real strengths and weaknesses as persons from diverse backgrounds. I found our own realities far more compelling and convincing than the stereotypes that we were held up to by comparison. Clearly, the S.P.I.C.E.'96 program was carefully thought out in advance and the presenters selected to cover specific topics. However, I personally found the greatest value was meeting my fellow crossdressers, their wives/female partners, hearing their stories and sharing my own story with them.

Most of the men I met found S.P.I.C.E. to be a safe enough setting to reveal their most intimate thoughts and feelings. Our confidence was no doubt bolstered by an explicit policy of confidentiality which included signing a pledge (I choose to make my own first-hand report here in TGF with this pledge in mind and will not divulge any S.P.I.C.E. participants' identity, occupation, or the detail of their private lives).

Angry Women and Insider Politics

Despite thorough planning which evidently preceded S.P.I.C.E.'96, an unidentified small group of wives/female partners who attended without their crossdressing husbands/male partners repeatedly expressed anger which was communicated to us by the presenters. At different times during the 4 days, these women complained that the men were using their femme names when in fact at least three of us (myself included) have legitimate androgynous given names; that men were contravening the rule to not crossdress at the conference (someone was in fact wearing nail polish which I personally found offensive and unfair); that men were violating the womens' space by hanging out outside of their room (difficult to avoid since the rooms were adjacent and shared a common corridor); but mostly that MEN SHOULDN'T BE AT S.P.I.C.E. AT ALL!

S.P.I.C.E. organizers were quick to reassure us that, while some of these concerns were valid, the men were in fact welcome and an important part of the conference. I found myself only partly reassured as these angry messages got into our meeting room daily and disrupted the loving trust that was slowly growing amongst us as we faced ever deeper and more heartfelt issues together as men who both crossdress and love our wives/female partners very much. When these disruptions occurred I stated that I had come to S.P.I.C.E. to support my wife but also for my own needs to grow. I know other men in the room felt similarly.

Conflict brewing between some of the gender organization leaders in attendance was a distraction throughout S.P.I.C.E.'96 and this also lowered my comfort level there. Since I am only newly acquainted with a few of these leaders as individuals and the organizations they represent, I will refrain from adding any speculation to the rancor. I will say that newcomers to the gender community like P. and myself who are reaching out for help and support are not well served by the various political position taking that occurred inappropriately during the some of the mens' S.P.I.C.E.'96 educational sessions. It is my sincere hope that, in the future, gender community leaders can hold such essential dialogue in business meetings convened for that purpose.

I am critical of my S.P.I.C.E.'96 experience because I have seen first-hand the growing pains of a vital organization in a rapidly expanding gender community which we all need very much! If S.P.I.C.E. is here to stay, I believe it is because there are enough suffering couples who want to make the organization a safe place for themselves and others with similar concerns. Seeing the excellent leadership skills of the S.P.I.C.E.'96 organizers in action greatly reassured me that all future challenges will be met with wisdom, firm kindness and great compassion!

We all got a well-deserved break on Friday afternoon when the organizers led recreational and sightseeing excursions to the Liberty Bell, local historical sites and other attractions. P. and I shared a delightful afternoon in Atlantic City with four friendly people.

And friends we did make! Our new friends from S.P.I.C.E'96 are the best take home message I could have hoped for, and more than I expected. The take home message for me is that within the heated conflict that surrounds gender issues, there is possible a cool and enjoyable oasis of sanity if we are socially responsible to one another in our families, local community and the newly emerging plurality of gender communities that we inhabit.


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