Couples

By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the gender community for over nine years, particularly with significant others and couples groups. Julie has contributed to the "Other Voices" column of the ETVC newsletter (THE CHANNEL) and also writes articles on gender issues for the DVG newsletter (DEVIL WOMAN), Tapestry Magazine, the Femme Mirror and the Internet (TGF). Julie was ETVC Member of the Year for 1995 and may be reached through the DVG hotline at 510-937-8432 or through DVG, PO Box 272885, Concord, CA 94527-2885.

How Not To Tell

Recently I had a conversation with another significant other regarding a communication she had had with a wife new to the crossdressing phenomenon. This particular wife had come home one afternoon to find a note pinned to her bedroom door stating that her husband was inside, dressed as a woman, that he had been doing this for years and could no longer keep it a secret.

The wife could not open the door, totally lost. She was not familiar with crossdressing and the usual questions were facing her. Is her husband gay? Is he bisexual? What is going to happen? What about their children?

What needs to be addressed in this not so uncommon scenario is not WHEN the wife needs to be told. This is a question that has no answer. We know that some wives feel they should have been told before marriage, that an issue of trust resulted from not being told. Others fully understand why they were not told early on in the relationship and may or may not adjust to the crossdressing depending on their beliefs and feelings.

What does need to be addressed is HOW to tell the wife or partner about their need to crossdress. Having your wife or partner come home and find a note on the door and a crossdressed individual behind the door is NOT the way to do it. It is too sudden, too overwhelming, and too frightening.

There are so many issues to be addressed that surprise should never be a part of the disclosure. The wife or partner needs to be introduced to the world of crossdressing in a calm, rational, cautious, and appropriate manner. She needs to progress at her own rate which may mean months before she wishes to see her partner crossdressed. She needs to have her fears assuaged and her questions answered.

Therefore it behooves the crossdressing populace to address this issue of HOW to tell wives or partners. Too many times the crossdresser has no support group so he himself knows no way to tell and finds himself telling her at a time he can no longer keep his "secret" and through no real fault tells her in a hasty, surprising manner which may backfire and even force him into a state of denial.

Perhaps helping professionals can address this issue so that the crossdresser is given the assistance he needs to learn how to express his style to his loved ones. Crossdressers who have successfully integrated crossdressing into their relationships in a positive manner may also have some suggestions. These suggestions should be shared with the community at large and in that way reach those individuals who are desperate for a way out of their closets.

(This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.)


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