One of the common issues brought to therapy by transgendered clients, their families or significant others, concerns disclosure to their children. Here are some of the questions I am faced with in my work:
Child rearing has many pitfalls, surprises and mysteries apart from the added stress of being a parent or partner of one who is transgendered. There are books to guide one through the maze of dealing with kids and divorce, puberty, anti-social behavior, moving, birth of a sibling, death of a pet, homosexuality, surgery and numerous other events that occur in a lifetime of parenting. I have never heard of a book on the subject of parenting and transgender behavior. If you have, please let us all know. It may save many people time and money now invested in counseling as well as guide therapists who are not familiar with transgender issues to give appropriate advice to clients seeking direction.
In my research I have unearthed two monographs on this subject, both published in 1988 by the Renaissance Education Association. Paula Keiser, in Telling the Children: A Transsexual's Commentary, (Renaissance Background Paper # 6) believes that the success of disclosure rests mainly on the answer to the transsexual's query "How do I feel about myself?" In addition to guidelines about age ("The best ages for children to accept this information non-judgmentally seems to be when they are between 7 and 11) and gender of child ("My daughter accepts. My son, to a degree, rejects), Ms. Keiser believes that the transgendered individual's level of self-acceptance will predict the success of the disclosure. She ends with the recommendation to "...tell the children at as young an age as possible and from a position of confidence. Children are wonderfully resilient. Tell them as soon as you can. I did, and I'm not at all sorry."
The late, highly esteemed sexologist, Roger Peo, Ph.D. wrote about male transvestites' disclosure in The Matter of Children. (Renaissance Background Paper # 4.) He deals with the pros and cons of disclosure at each stage of childhood development. For example, he contrasts the young child's high capacity for acceptance with it's limited ability to appreciate the parental need for privacy. He highlights the importance of an already close relationship with the child and spousal acceptance of crossdressing for disclosure to the child to elicit a positive response. Dr. Peo also deals with the "planned announcement" versus the "surprise discovery" and useful strategies for each situation.
Of course, without self-acceptance, one cannot presume to elicit the same from others. If you are connected to a transgender community network, this is the time to make it work for you. Talk with those who have gone before you. Learn about their experiences, their reasons for considering disclosure to the children in their lives and the outcomes of their decisions. Take from them what is appropriate and tailor it to meet your situation. If you do not feel there is anyone to whom you can talk or that no one's situation is sufficiently similar to yours, consider a consultation with a counselor familiar with both gender concerns and family relationships.
Dr. Anderson is a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She can be reached at 415-776-0139. This article originally appeared in Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.
© 1996 by Barbara Anderson & 3-D Communications, Inc.
Back to Transgender Forum's home page