It Is More Than Clothes

By Krystle

Edited by Cynthia Smith


I am a 39 (soon to be 40) married transvestite I don't really call myself a cross-dresser since my need to dress goes beyond the sexual pleasures and satisfies a deeper mental need. I guess my story isn't really very different from so many others. I don't really remember when I first cross-dressed. I do remember trying out my mothers make-up and shaving my legs when I was 16, but no real attempts to dress. I have always felt a really strong attraction to females and a fascination with their clothes, hair, make-up etc.

My wife and I have been married 17 years come this July. We have two children, both girls. Our oldest is 18 (my step-daughter) and our youngest is 15. We had been married about 5 years when my desires first showed themselves. I have come to believe that the need was always there, but suppressed. Deep down I knew that I would never be accepted if people knew how I felt.

One day in an attempt to spice up our personal lives I eventually ended up shaving my legs. I told my wife how erotic I found the feel of silky skin. She was skeptical at first but didn't see any real harm in it. A couple of days later the itching got pretty bad and she told me to try wearing pantyhose. They worked like a charm, and I ended up getting myself a couple of pairs.

One thing lead to another and I ended up being able to wear panties, garterbelts, stockings and pantyhose. My wife wondered where all this would lead. I had thought she understood and had really accepted this. I made up a list of all my cross-dressing desires. In my excitement I went all out and presented the list to her, figuring it would re-assure her. In retrospect I was very naive and selfish.

She freaked and wondered when I was going to leave her for a sex change, was I gay etc. I think that had I gone slower and allowed us both time to adjust, things would have been quite different. Her reaction scared me and now we were both afraid, although for different reasons. I couldn't really verbalize how I felt, so I pretended it was all a passing fancy, nothing I couldn't give up without any problem. It wasn't a need, I claimed, only a minor desire. I was in denial, lying to her and myself.

Years went by. I was suppressing, she was worrying. She felt I was unhappy as a person and in our marriage. I tried to tell her I was happy in general, and in our marriage, my only problem was in this "minor" area. I occasionally bought cosmetics, nylons and other small items. I'd feel guilty and purge my collection. We had a variety of major problems to deal with, unrelated to this one, which put a great deal of stress on our marriage. We've managed to support each other and get through most of them. Even still my wife insisted I “Do what you need to. I just don't think I can stand to see it, and I don't know how I'll handle it.” I couldn't bring myself to put any more stress on our marriage, but she couldn't stand the thought of being in my way. There was also the issue of money. We all know how expensive a need this is. We were stretched pretty thin, and in spite of the fact that she told me to just take the money and do it, I couldn't take something I felt was needed in so many other places.

In time I came to understand myself better. I accepted the fact that I was a transvestite, always would be, that it was a real need and that was OK. I still couldn't afford it financially but decided that when I could I would start expressing this side of me. We had another flare-up of trouble over this. I still couldn't express my thoughts and feelings with any degree of clarity. I did tell her she wasn't stopping me from doing what I needed. I finally told her what I had decided and that I was the one choosing when and how to proceed.

Finally three things happened which dramatically changed the situaton, for the better. First I found the book "The Transvestite and His Wife". I read it and found that it put into words much of what I couldn't. As I read it I made notations at various points to personalize how I felt or if I disagreed with something. Then I gave it to my wife and asked her to read it. Over time she did and I believe it helped to explain a lot to her. Many of her fears either went away or subsided. She told me that she wanted me to go ahead, that she would love me and support me no matter what.

I then received a year-end bonus of several hundred dollars. It was if fate had stepped in. I've worked for my company for 15 yrs. and they had never given out bonuses before. I knew we could use the money, but my wife told me I had to spend it on myself, she wasn't going to take a dime for the family budget. I started on my first wardrobe. I didn't know just how tight things were for us financially or I wouldn't have, but my wife puposely didn't tell me. She loved me so much she knew I needed to do this but wouldn't if I knew.

The third event was that I discovered the Internet. Since then I've been surfing all the TG sites and data I can find. I've made some new friends I can share this part of myself with.

I'm still waiting for a couple of necessary items for my new wardrobe, but have managed to fully dress twice now. I've only done it at home, with no one else around. My wife and I have agreed not to share this with anyone else in the family, especially our kids. We both feel they have enough problems to deal with (that's another story) and we don't want them to have to deal with this. Perhaps someday we'll tell them, we don't know. My wife has become much more at ease with this and has bought me a couple of things. She's asked me how the shopping is going and has offered to keep some of my things in her drawers. She's also told me that I can use anything of hers I want. I told her ditto.

Once I get the last of my shopping list, I'll be looking for an opportunity to really go all out. After that I plan on checking out a local TG group (the Tiffany Club in Waltham, Mass. - any TCNE members out there?]. They have a spouses support group also and my wife says she might be interested. So things are looking up for me. I sometimes regret not pursuing this when I was much younger and thinner, but if I had I probably wouldn't have met my wife, have my kids or learned enough of the hard lessons in life. I wouldn't give up my family for anything in the world, even if it menant going through all the hard times all over again.

On Sept.26th of this year Krystle had her first full day in existence. I had taken the day off from work. My wife was going to be at work, my daughter at school and I had lots of things planned. I was all set to do the works. Wax my legs, chest, do facial, pedicure, scultured nails, take my own picture in various poses modeling all of my 3 whole outfits, changes of make-up, get great pics for a pictorial (I hoped) or at least for photo opp. And then to top off the day I was going to drive en femme, from home to my first support group meeting. But as they say, the best laid plans....

As my wife left for work, she informed me that my daughter was home with a cold. No waxing, no nails, no modelling, no pictures. I had to settle for shaving my legs, doing a pedicure. I managed to load a bag with my neccessaties and get it out to my car, without my daughter catching me. All she knew was I had a late meeting to attend. I put on my hose and undergarments, got my corset on and tightened (from 38" to 32") put on a sweatshirt, jeans and headed off. The meeting was to start at 6:30 PM and I expected a 2.5 hour drive. I left the house at 3:00 and allowed myself time to stop for a bite to eat. Funny thing though, between nerves and the corset I wasn't hungry. Travel was much faster than I expected and arrived at 4:45. Good thing I brought a book.

At 6:20 I knew someone was there and got the nerve to go in. I was greeted my the hostess for the evening, Stephanie. I told her I was interested in joining. She made me feel very welcome and at ease. She asked me a few questions about myself. The group is for all TG people, not just CDs and TVs, and she wanted to find out how I learned of the club and where I thought I fit in. She went over the rules of conduct, showed me the facility and where I could dress.

The facility isn't anything big or fancy. It's all used furniture from donations. There is some storage facilities, for those who can't keep things at home, a library, a BBS, a casual lounge area etc. Once a month they go to a consignment shop called Model's Resale. The store closes to all except members and you can try on or buy at big discounts a huge selection of clothes.

Once a month one of the members wives, a Mary Kay consultant, has a Mary Kay night for demos, sales, beauty tips etc. The club also has a wives support group and holds a variety of social events during the year. The social events are often open to all TG and their SO's regardless of membership. They are very liberal with the paying of dues, and if you can't pay they don't care, They just want you to come in for the support.

I felt very relaxed and at ease there. Everyone was very friendly and tried to make me feel welcome. This was the first time ANYONE had ever seen me dressed. The age groups ran from 20-something to 60-something. Looks ranged from drop dead gorgeous to the few unfortunates who were so repressed they had no idea how to do make-up or create a feminine image. In between were a lot of people who weren't concerned with how they looked so much as being dressed and acting the way they felt inside.

There were no derogatory comments on appearance from anyone, by anyone or to anyone. Everyone wanted to know are you married? does she know? do you have kids? do they know? is your wife OK with this? (answers: yes, 17 years; yes, for the last 10-12 years; yes, 2 girls; no, they don't; yes and no) Some people were married to supportive SO's, some were divorced, some had kids who knew, some were totally in the closet as far as family but everyone shared a common bond.

The meetings last until 10:00 or so. Some members were going out to some TG friendly places. I had to clean-up still and drive home. So at 10:15 Krystle was de-constructed and TJ came back out. I managed to get home even faster than it took to arrive and was home by midnight. It was impossible to sleep right away and 4:00 AM came awfully early. I did survive my corset for 9 hours, and lost 4 lbs from nerves and not being able to eat :-) Right now I'm at work exhausted, but happy and look forward to being able to go back. Krystle has a new home.


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