"...Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves...Do not...seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will...gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." (Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, Letter No. 4.)
I came across this poem in one of my favorite books, "A Country Year: Living the Answers," by Sue Hubbell. The book, in itself, is an inspiration to find the freedom in your soul and to live life as you want it to be. The author talks about the simplicity of her life and the influence of the natural world around her, and how she has found her destiny after years of living the questions, rather than seeking the answers.
Life is so complex these days. Probably every generation thinks this, but our world has become a frantic, often frightful place to live, and we often stumble from event to event, crisis to crisis, without stopping to reflect on what is going on inside of us. We allow outside influences to direct us, rather than what is in our hearts.
There is so much we each need to learn, and we are inundated from sources all around us, each with their own opinions, doctrines, beliefs. Their way is right and all others are wrong, we hear. It is incredibly difficult to filter through the dogma we hear constantly, to find the true answers. And we often don't know what the questions are.
In a transgendered partnership, the complexity of each person involved is thrust against the other. No two people are the same, and far different emotions run below the surface and are expressed in distinctive ways. How we adapt to each other is the key to the success of the relationship.
Before we can honestly look at our transgendered partner, we need to honestly look at ourselves. We need to put aside vanity and pride and take a good look at who we are. Very often, we will not like all we see and that is a frightening experience. At the same time, we need to remember that our transgendered partner has looked at him/herself many, many times, hating who they are.
I can recall facing myself on several occasions and having nightmares for weeks at what I saw. I didn't like those parts of me, and I was scared that others would see them, too. I chose to change those parts of me that I disliked, and releasing them to the past. It was important that I not take them with me into the future. Sometimes, they resurface and I know they are there, and I once again face them and push them back into the past.
To honestly look at yourself and make the choice to change what you don't like is healthy and necessary. It clears the airs of your soul and allows you to begin to see what you like about yourself. By liking the person you are, you open yourself to peace within. How rare is the person who lives in peace with his or herself! Can you imagine living without a turmoil inside of you?
Few people can reach that plateau of inner peace.
If you are learning to look at yourself, harvesting the seeds and casting off the chaff, probably your partner is, too. It is important that we understand that we are not alone in this life, and that others are also learning about themselves. And so, it is important that we understand our partner's growth cycle as a transgendered person and be open to the changes we see him or her making within.
Each of us are on an intensely personal journey, but we are also on a journey of togetherness with our partner. Learning about ourselves and each other keeps us on the same path. Ignoring the other's individual journey brings the relationship to a fork in the road, and too often, we go the opposite directions.
The nurturing of self and your own journey should not blind you to his or her journey. Better to nurture not only self but the other, too. It is better to seek a peaceful place where you can both live in harmony and mutual understanding. There is joy in a companionship that understands you, and there is joy in offering such companionship to the other.
If there is harmony between you, then the turmoils that will continue to attack can be better examined and discarded if you allow yourself and your partner's self to jointly live the questions and to travel back to the peace you have created within and between yourselves. The bond between you is the strength and answer to do this, nurtured by acceptance self and of the others entire being. The bond should transcend gender lines and be simply between two unique people.