Dear Rachael,




I have so much to say





I don't know where to begin. I am a professional, white male, cross dresser with no one to talk to. I don't want my name to go public...

I am 37, married for 14 years, with one child. My wife knows about my cross dressing but does not accept it at all. I had to throw away all my possessions about two years ago that had taken me years to collect. Ever since then I've been in a turmoil. I broke down last Fall and bought a pair of 6" pumps. Now I'm waiting for her to ask me if I have purchased anything. I don't want to lie but yet I don't want her to give me the third degree and insist that I see another counselor . . . the last one didn't help the situation at all. I keep the pumps hidden in the garage and make frequent trips out there during early morning hours before work just to cross dress.

I need someone to talk to. I have been feeling like a loner until I ran across this home page. I now feel like I have someone I can relate to. I need to open up to someone that I can trust; someone I can express my need to cross dress to. I have a strong need to cross dress but not to have SRS. I have had this need since before the first grade. I've been content with doing it alone in the house, but now I want to be with someone while cross dressed.

I still don't know why I like wearing women's clothing. Why can't I be normal like other guys? I look normal. I'm about 5' 6", fairly muscular, have a fairly deep voice, walk masculine and act masculine. But there is this burning desire to put on the other sex's clothing. I love high heels, panty hose, bras, skirts, wearing long fingernails, painting my nails and just plain acting like a slut of a woman. I don't understand why I feel like this; I feel like a freak.

I feel better just being able to talk about this. I've kept this to myself for 30+ years. I told my wife about this before we were married. We still got married. She tolerated it until we went to a psychologist for marriage counseling. . . they both made me trash my prized possessions...

Deep down, I want to shave my legs, dress up and go out in public as a woman; I have never told my wife that. She has told her parents, her brother and his wife and one of her girlfriends; that's why I don't confide in her anymore.

I so desperately want to meet other TVs like me . . . not for sexual relations, but rather for friendships so I can share my thoughts and desires with . . . I don't know how I can do it without my wife suspecting something.

Dear R:

I have some great news for you. You have taken the first step to a mental healing process and I suspect that you know that. You have reached out and found us, a forum that includes many people just like you. Your thinking is not aberrant, sick or otherwise evil. It is not mainstream America, true, but there plenty of us out there like you. We are good people. The joy you are feeling will grow as you make the connections with your sisters here or on other forums such as CompuServe, America Online(AOL) and other BBSs . . . yes, we are there and you can chat with us, real time, on line. You will find places to go, literature to subscribe to and real people, like you, to meet in your own neck of the woods. All of this is part of the healing process; notice, I did not say "curing process." You need to learn to accept yourself as you are and that may mean you will seek counseling from a qualified person (your original psychologist sounded like a "jerk") who is schooled the TV/TS/TG phenomenon.

But with the good news comes the bad. Your wife may never accept and this is not uncommon. Hopefully, you two can reach a compromise whereby she will tolerate some form of your cross gender expression, but don't count on it. I admire your desire to remain honest with your wife; this a virtue that not all cross dressers possess. Unless you two can reach some sort of agreement, I see dark clouds on your horizon. Either you will be forced to compromise your values and hide your activities or you will remain honest with her causing a confrontation that can have serious consequences.

If you want to believe the experts (I do!), your feelings will not go away and your desires may even become stronger. Continue to make contact with your sisters for support and understanding, seek a qualified professional to help you deal with who you are. And what to do about the wife....? Go slow, hon! You have time. If she is to ever come around, it will be because she loves you and she is able to learn to understand that your ways do not threaten her femininity and your love for her is as strong as ever.

Lastly, we consider confidentiality prime! Many of us don't need the hassle of being discovered at work or elsewhere. So, your secret is safe with us. Good luck!

Dear Rachael:

I'm 28 and I am a closet cross dresser and have been since about 14. I am still at the point where I am nervous typing about it. I enjoy the idea of looking pretty, but I don't know near enough about makeup and fashion to pass.

I have three sisters all are younger than me. The middle one hasn't got much tact. Although my sisters knew of my "interest" when I was in my early teens, they didn't say much about it and I didn't push it.

A few years ago I was talking with a female friend of my (now) brother-in-law and SHE blurted out that I liked women's clothes . . . sigh! Although it's something that I'm still coming to terms with, I can't say that it's exactly something that should be public knowledge.

I would like to be in contact with a few more people (like me) who know what sort of things go through my head.

Dear S:

It kind of sounds like you are more "out in public" than you think. You can't go backwards and undo what's been done nor do I think you really want to. . . and that's okay! So why not look to the future and try to identify what it is that you want to do, be, or become. You are right; you need to talk with others and the advice I would offer to you in that arena is the same as I gave to Ms. "R" above. Gain knowledge, friendships with cross dressers and consider qualified professional assistance.

Dear Rachael: I am agonizing over whether to tell my wife. I am 45 and a hidden, scared cross dresser for almost 40 of those years. It's very hard to go on like this, but it's also very hard to potentially rip up my family my family (three kids from 13 to 19)... I have no one to talk to.

Yesterday, I revealed all to may old high school girlfriend. We've kept in touch over the years. She's had many problems, including a younger brother who died from AIDS, her own divorce and subsequent mental breakdown. (She) is a good person to talk to who is willing to go out with me. It makes clear the choice of disclosure to my wife vs an even more active dual life. I feel that something is going to give eventually... If I were free, I would be my femme self all the time until I figure out where I am...

Dear M: I agree with you, something is going to give. I think that you are sitting on a powder keg. I think that you have come to grips with your femme self and are pretty happy with expressing yourself outwardly as a female; that is healthy and you have come a far piece to be where you are. That's the good news.

There are some issues that concern me, however. Your agony is in the "telling." I'm not too sure whether you are concerned about you wife or the outcome of telling (divorce). Clearly, you are concerned about what it will do to the kids and this is justified.

One of the hardest things for a wife to accept is not the fact that you cross dress, although that can be a fatal concern, it is the fact that you lied to her all these years; you never confided in her. That violation of trust is often the undoing of a marriage in these situations.

And worse yet, you have confided in an old high school sweetheart. . . and go out with her, I presume dressed? If that piece of news gets back to your wife, the fuse is lit (maybe that old friend will tell?). At any rate, it might not be unwise to have an attorney in the wings very close behind the marriage counselor that you must see as soon as you tell or she finds out.

I often say, "go slow", but in your case it sounds like you are living on the edge. A counselor would serve you well in helping you put together a game plan that lets all your loved ones retain as much love, dignity and respect for one another as possible.


Need someone to talk to? Haven't ever told anyone about yourself before? Feeling alone?

Rachael Dettmer is a long-time member of ETVC and worked the ETVC Hotline for many years. If you'd like to talk to her by e-mail, in strict confidence, drop a line to Cindy and she will pass on the note.

Nothing will appear in Rachael's column or anywhere else in Transgender Forum without YOUR written permission.


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