By Julie Freeman


Julie Freeman is a significant other who has been active in the transgender community for over seven years, particularly with the significant others and couples groups. Julie has contributed too the "Other Voices" column of the ETVC newsletter and also writes articles on gender issues for the DVG newsletter (Devil Woman),Tapestry Magazine, and the Femme Mirror. She is ETVC's current Member of the Year. Having attended many conferences around the country, Julie along with Donna, her spouse, CO-founder of DVG and former Secretary and Membership Chair for ETVC, is now helping to organize California Dreaming' next year in San Francisco.


Ups and Downs

For most of us, when we are presented with something different or unusual, it takes a period of time to adjust. We may feel that the normal situation is for one to start out skeptical or even negative and then as time goes on slowly adjust and eventually if all goes well become very positive. Sort of like a diet. We start out with a goal of losing 25 pounds, for example, and according to the diet charts, we should see a steady decline of perhaps two lbs. per week. Right? Wrong!!

We all know that in spite of good intentions and stringent dietary habits, those pounds do not disappear at a steady rate. Rather we experience ups and downs. One week we may lose two lbs. if we are lucky. Then the next week, instead of losing, we gain a pound. We become frustrated and depressed and may decide why bother. Perhaps if we were to recognize that human behaviors, whether physical or emotional, are like bicycling over hill and dale, rather than climbing steadily uphill or coasting downhill, we would be more successful.

And that is the way it is with accepting crossdressing. I thought when I was first exposed to the phenomenon that slowly, over time, with knowledge, I would become more and more tolerant and understanding, like cycling steadily uphill. Eventually I would reach the top and be the most understanding wife in the community!

It was to my chagrin to find that it did not work that way. Some weeks I found myself supportive and encouraging. I enjoyed various gender activities. Shopping was fun. But then, surprisingly, a few weeks later I would find myself angry and resentful. I felt if I had to discuss clothes and makeup one more time, I would scream.

It has helped me to realize that most situations in our lives are a series of ups and downs that it is unrealistic to expect total support of any activity, not just crossdressing. It is all right and even normal for us to be supportive one week and nonsupportive another. We do not have to feel guilty if sometimes we get tired of the whole thing. Sometimes too much can be too much.

Perhaps if all of us, crossdressers and significant others, realize that it is okay to be negative at times, it would make life easier for all of us.

(This article originally appeared in the Devil Woman, the newsletter of the Diablo Valley Girls.)


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