I Feel Reborn

By Diane

Edited by Cynthia Smith

I am now out of the closet to most of my relatives. To all of my children, my closest neighbors, my doctor, and six colleagues in my department at the college where I teach!

Without exception, everyone I have told has been very supportive; several even thanked me for sharing it with them. Even so, it has been an emotionally trying time for me, particularly where my kids are concerned, I was afraid they might totally reject me.

I had read, on the Internet, about the experiences of many TVs, and have talked to several about how they told their children, knowing not everyone was understanding. Nevertheless, my kids have been just great! Most have been amazingly supportive. Only a couple were even the slightest bit unsure, but, after talking to my wife to see how she was handling it, they have given me encouragement. Some have even offered advice on makeup, etc., and one son gave me a lovely pearl bracelet. Several said something like: "You are still my dad, and I love you" (By the way, I have ten children, eight of whom are adopted.)

My wife, Anne, found out about me (by accident) two years after we were married. I am ashamed to admit that I didn't tell her before we were married, but I was afraid I would lose her. Besides, I was sure that the need to dress would go away after we were married.

When children began to come along, we agreed not to let them know about me. So, for the next 30 years, I was deeply in the closet, trying to present a "normal" male image for my family. In retrospect, I believe my children probably would have been able to accept my dressing if I had not been so conflicted about it.

However, that's the past and no point is regretting what happened, or didn't happen. Today, my children are adults (ranging in age from 23 to 35), are secure in their sexual identity, and able to accept other people despite their differences.

My wife has been just wonderful through this whole process. With her love and understanding, I have been able - for the first time in my 57 years - to accept this important side of myself. I am no longer ashamed and embarrassed about what I am and what I need. Anne tells me she loves and appreciates the new "whole" person that I am now striving to become. While, I know that it has not been easy for her because this is not how she envisioned our life together. In some ways she was grieving the loss of her husband. Still, every day our marriage is getting better and better as we talk about each other's needs in a way that we could never do before.

In July we went to our first ETVC meeting at Ginny & Nancy Ann's home in San Francisco. It was a memorable night for me because it was the first time I had ever gone out dressed in public and I was *nervous*. We drove down from Santa Rosa (en femme) and had to drive through town while it was still light. Stopping at traffic lights, driving alongside other cars on the freeway, paying at the toll booth, and walking from our car to Ginny and Nancy Ann's home. I was afraid of how people would react, but no one appeared shocked, or even seemed to notice. It was a wonderfully liberating experience to be out of the closet at last!

The gals at the meeting were just super and made us feel right at home. I can't tell you how relieved I was to find that my fellow (?) CDs were just normal people - like me. Ginny is a particularly warm person and Nancy Ann has a great sense of humor.

They had put much effort into preparing food and a game - a variation on "Family Feud" - that was fun. I even won a prize because I could name a TG-friendly bar in the bay area - JR's in Walnut Creek. This was ironic because my only experience with *any* kind of bar was when we had gone to JR's the previous month to meet with the Diablo Valley Girls for the first time. In fact that was when Donna Freeman gave me an ETVC newsletter and told me about their monthly social gatherings in San Francisco. (As a side note, while driving to JR's I was wearing nail polish on one finger of my left hand - which I thought was totally *daring* - when we had a flat tire! While changing it, a CHP officer pulled up and helped me. He was very pleasant and didn't say a thing about my nail polish.)

After this experience, I decided to buy femme glasses, but was too frightened of being found out if I bought them locally, so Anne and I drove to Corte Madera and went to LensCrafters. We casually looked at different styles until we found frames that might work for me; I quickly tried them on when no one was looking. Finally I had to admit to the saleswoman they were for me. She said something like "Oh, OK." When they were ready, she fitted them on me - and I didn't die of embarrassment, as I thought I would. Since then, we have gone out dress shopping and Anne has even held dresses up to me to see if they would fit. I never thought that I could do that in public, but the sky didn't fall. I even considered the possibility of trying the dress on in the store. Maybe next time.

My most recent experience took place while visiting two of my sons in the San Jose area. They (and their SOs) went with Anne and me to a "drag night" at Hamburger Mary's in San Jose. I had bought a new (black velvet) dress especially for the occasion and Anne helped with my makeup and hair. We parked in downtown San Jose and walked about two blocks to the club - in full view of God and everybody. It was an exhilarating experience and I was surprised that I wasn't nervous . . . I guess it gets easier with each new adventure. Now if I can only get up the nerve to go to a *straight* restaurant!

The support of the caring people whom we have met through DVG and ETVC has played an important part in my coming out; the Internet (and Cindy Martin's home page in particular) has also been helpful. I have been passing out the ETVC brochure describing TVism to everybody who will hold still, and my wife and I plan to get active in the gender community.

We are thinking about hosting get-togethers at our home in Santa Rosa (Since we live in a secluded rural setting). Our immediate neighbors are supportive, and gals could come here without fear of being seen.

Anyone who is interested in attending should contact us through the Internet at gad@crl.com


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