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Correspondence
From
Members

 

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Some articles written by Kappa Beta members, and published in our chapter newsletter, The Pink Slip.

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A Kappa Beta First Time

A First Time LetterIrrational blinding fear has a new name: Amy Elizabeth. This passage is about my First Kappa Beta meeting, and many other firsts that all happened on a single night. I don't know how everyone else felt before their first time meeting other crossdressers but if its anything like the way I felt, I am so sorry. I sent my first email to Leilla, who is very sweet, and actually spoke to my first contact, Sherri Lynn (also very sweet) who are both, if you don't know, very involved with Kappa Beta.
spacerWhat goes on in an already over active mind before one of the biggest events in your life? I can't even tell you all of the things that I thought about the night before the meeting. I only know that each thought was in some way related to a very controlling annoying fear. The day of the meeting I was a basket case. I mean what if any combination of the four thousand different possibilities I had imagined the previous two sleepless nights were to come true? I, although a "youngin" ,had been waiting so long to be able to simply talk to others about the feelings I had inside. Not in a curing psychological way, but in a sisterly way. So many times I had listened to girls talking about things that I wanted to be a part of, but the fear of being labeled a freak kept me silent. I was so tired of my silence that I needed something more, but what if I got there and this was not even close to what I imagined or even worse what if it wasn't what I really needed? What if everyone there was blatantly readable how would I feel about that? What if I wasn't accepted how could I deal with that? If I couldn't bring myself to even send an e-mail to someone about this subject before now, how could I ever dress in front of people that I didn't really know?
spacerWell I made it to the meeting right on time, and suddenly found that I was really glad I didn't eat a big lunch. I walked into a room and met three very nice ladies, Sherri Lynn, Leilla and Paula. They were already dressed, very nicely, and I was wearing my usual Friday casual drab work clothes. I had no idea how I was supposed to act, or the really funny thing was that I wasn't sure of what pronouns to use in conversation. The four of us loaded up to go buy my first wig. I can't even really describe my feelings on the ride there. This situation is not something that I had any sort of precedent for in my life at all. Three ladies that I didn't know, also the first three Cross Dressers that I had ever met personally were taking me on my first trip to buy my first wig. The trip, which had to take about 10 hours to get to the wig shop, was very pleasant. I gladly answered the questions that were asked, but was afraid to ask many questions because I had no idea how to address or phrase anything. By the time we got there I was relatively comfortable with the conversation, but was starting to fear what the reaction would be from the lady in the wig shop. I mean she had to think that I was a freak. This would prove to be my first incorrect feeling of the night. Billie, the shop owner, treated me in a way that no one had ever treated me before, as a sweet young girl. That is exactly how I felt in the chair that day, and something I won't soon forget. This was also the first round of complements that I would hear that night and not be ready for. I have never really had anybody look at me and think I was pretty. That feeling is completely indescribable. Well the wig choice was very simple and the ride back to the hotel was much shorter, and I was much happier. The happiness would soon be cut short by my old friend fear when Sherri launched her campaign to get me dressed. If anybody has ever felt a need to retreat from anything it was me, and I felt a very compelling need to run away. I could feel my closet calling me to come home. I had no idea how I could dress in front of people that I did not know, no one had ever seen me as Amy. This is where Sherri went to war with my closet. She has such a gentle persuasion in dealing with these matters, kind of like a python and a mouse in the same cage. Sherri could sell ice cubes in a blizzard, but I wasn't exactly sold on the idea. I realized that if I were to dress there that a room full of people would be coming by to see the "new girl". Well I just didn't know if I felt like that was such a great idea. This would have been where I was completely wrong for the second time. I couldn't argue with myself that I didn't need and want to do this, so I quickly had Sherri get the makeup before the small bowl of courage that I found was gone.
spacerThis was the turning point for my evening, if not one for my life. After Sherri finished my makeup, which having someone else do my makeup was another thing that I had never experienced, she was very supportive in directing me at what to do next. I was obviously in no emotional state to make rational decisions at this point. After getting fully dressed and appearing in front of other people for the first time in my life, I looked into the mirror, and I almost cried.
spacer I saw things that I have never seen when dressed alone. This feeling, a very wonderful new feeling, would carry through the entire night. As everybody else made their way in to the room to socialize with the others they would come right over and introduce themselves. Several things blew me away. First, prior to the meeting I believed that I would feel very uncomfortable being in a small room with so many other cross dressers. Here is another time that I had been wrong about what I thought would happen. Everybody was so nice, and so helpful to a young scared girl. I never really saw the cross dresser in anyone, I only remember seeing the person that I was meeting. Secondly I thought I would feel like a complete weirdo in a skirt in front of people that I didn't know, and I said that I felt like a weirdo many times that night. I can't explain it really but I didn't feel weird at all, I felt completely at ease, actually I felt really good. ( in the room anyway). Being comfortable as Amy in front of new friends, made and makes me very happy. My facial muscles still ache from all the smiling and blushing. Everybody had something nice to say, even the ones who felt compelled to let me know they hated me for being young and cute did so in a very sweet way. I really expected to hear a lot of fake complements between the girls, and self created support to make any situation sound right but I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of sincerity from everyone. I really feel like all the complements and advise were all heart felt, and when directed specifically to me were personal comments. This may sound like a strange observation but it is something that I don't normally see in daily life.
spacerI left Sherri's room that night a very happy, confused, excited girl. I had entered the room as a soul searching, less than happy, scared to death guy. I can't thank Sherri enough for pointing out things to me that I knew but wouldn't allow myself to see. If she wasn't such a great salesperson I wouldn't have such a long drawn out story to share here, but more importantly I wouldn't have the new friends that I made that night. I wouldn't have the new outlook on my life either. I do feel that if I had not had the help and support that I found that night, I would not have something now that I am starting to see as a very important, very special piece of who I REALLY am, I would not have Amy.
spacerThank you to everyone who made that a special night, and who tried so hard to make me feel welcome as I sat on Sherri's little couch petrified.
spacerAnyone who may be reading this and considering attending their first meeting but feel too scared, I know that fear very well as does everybody else that has been in that situation. For me the fear is much less memorable and much much less important to keep than the wonderful things gained and the friends I made. I have a very long way to go before I have a comfort level to match any sister, or brother that I met, but my journey has started and that is a very special gift and blessing.

Amy

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A True First Time

A First Time Letterby Cathi

Letter I have been asked to write this story, but I would have written it anyway. Just like me, the story has to come "out".., and just like me I want it out.

spacerI had just finished a long weekend at a work conference, away from home, intense sessions, long hours...I was pretty much brain dead from the amount of information and questions that had gone through my girlish brain. All through the conference, my mind kept drifting to the time when it would be over and I could join my sisters at a Kappa Beta meeting. I longed to be crossdressed to the nines while at the conference, and my eyes kept taking in the GG's at the conference and at the hotel where it was held... ' ..nice dress on that girl' I would think to myself. In fact, I even said to a very attractive co-worker during one of the breaks (..and I'd love to wear it! was the finishing thought in my mind). I was excited and filled with anticipation about meeting my KB sisters, as this was to be my first time out with a group of other CD'ers, sitting and chatting, dining, exposed but accepted for me and how I look en femme. There was actually little nervousness left. I had made up my mind and already been through the frights and second guessing during the previous weeks. A series of "little steps" helped tremendously, and I was aided, supported, and encouraged by the sisters I had met on the Internet, and doubly eased by the warm and open phone chat I had with KB's Sherri. The warmth and welcome that I received when I finally showed my face almost made my weekend by itself. I cannot say enough about the relaxed, supportive, and welcoming atmosphere I received by all of the KB girls I met. I was especially pleased to meet Deryl, another new member and the other half of "the Carolina Girls" from the Internet chat room. She and I had been given that label, and we took it with open heart and ran with it.
spacerMy coming out was not just a piece of cake. I worked, and worked hard, to make it happen. There were many things I shopped for, and I practiced and practiced on my makeup.. I researched for tips, studied the GG's I saw everywhere. I had been spending most of my nights and weekends dressed, but not daring to even venture outside my door. Once, in the very early morning when I believed most everyone else was still asleep, I stepped out on my patio and enjoyed my coffee and a smoke dressed in my favorite outfit. As I stood there, looking at the last of the stars fading out to daylight, I knew that I could be, should be out. This was the first time I had been outside my own door dressed en femme in several years. Still knew that my makeup and voice needed lots of work, but my mind was convinced that I could be out, pass or not, and be okay (and my mind has always been my worst enemy!).
spacerStill, I almost blew it: either too tired, too excited, too perfectionist... I took too long getting ready for my debut, rushed my nails, managed to smear nail polish on my newest blouse, ruining several nails in the process...I cursed my own actions while trying to remove the spot without ruining anymore nails, getting dressed, and polishing my nails again. I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry. Finally, I was pushed into being pragmatic by the phone ringing. Everyone was headed to dinner. I would be left behind, still trying to salvage a disaster. I put on my wig, ..no time to really style my hair as I had planned, grabbed my purse, checked for keys (no time to get locked out, too), and tiptoed my way down the stairs and across the parking lot (all by myself *smile*) managing not to break a heel or fall down ( *another smile*), and met up with my sisters. I was breathless from excitement/nervousness, but it passed quickly. I hugged Deryl as we were introduced, and tried to remember names...Duh! that's always tough. While no one whistled at my looks, no one made any sudden dashes for the bathroom either, so I told myself everything would be okay. I needed a cigarette, and I was relieved that I wasn't the only smoker in the group. In fact, I fit right in.
spacerIn my excitement and rush, I had left my membership fee and completed application back in my room, so after a short while, I excused myself and went back to get it. This involved another trip across the parking lot, up the stairs, and searching through my purse for my room key. I stuffed the forgotten paperwork in my purse and took a few minutes to try and fix my nails and hair better. In doing so, I almost missed out on dinner, and found myself almost running back across the parking lot to rejoin the group.
spacerWe all walked to the restaurant next door, and, thankfully for me, were escorted to a private meeting/dining room. While I probably could have faced a public crowd with the group, I was relieved to be seated in a private room, as I was already self-conscience about the nail polish smears and my hair. Between the GG waitresses (several) and a GG who drifted in from the bar (several times with different friends in tow), the remaining barriers to being out were broken. I relaxed, had a great dinner, and really enjoyed the sisters I was surrounded by. (Michelle, I really do love that dress you were wearing. I want one for myself!) Because the other sisters shared their experience and feelings and fears, I could dispel the thoughts of being the only one with those same thoughts, feelings, and fears, and just be me. That's all I really wanted/want to be anyway.. just me.
spacerBecause of the work conference, I felt too pooped to join some of the others in the public bar after dinner, even for a cola (since I don't drink). Deryl was pooped too, so we walked back to our rooms. We sat and chatted for several minutes, getting to know each other better. I liked that too, as she and I had become electronic friends, now face to face friends. It was because of Deryl's encouragement and the fact that she was going as a first time member that prompted me to get in touch with KB. (Deryl, dear, thank you! *HUG*).
spacerI once again mastered the parking lot, stairs, and purse getting back to my hotel room, hung my skirt and blouse up, slipped on my sexy sleep wear, and sank into bed to reflect and revel in the day's wonderful experience. I still had tomorrow mornings coffee get together in Sherri's room to look forward to, and I dropped off to sleep, still in my makeup, tired by happy.
spacerI woke up early, and it's a good thing. I had plenty of time and I took advantage of it (and still almost managed to take too long). I packed, bathed, re-applied makeup, switched nail polish, dressed in another skirt and my favorite pink sweater. I got a bit more organized (maybe the sleep and coffee helped), carried my bags to the car, returned to my room to grab purse, coffee cup, and drove over to Sherri's room. Everyone except Leilla was in drab, but I had made up my mind that I was out for the weekend, and I was going to enjoy it. Sherri made my morning by complimenting my legs (this skirt was shorter and I was wearing soft beige stockings instead of the black ones of the night before.. (a girl does scheme, doesn't she? *giggle*). Leilla indulged me by using my camera to take a couple of pictures of me, coaxing a smile in the process. We all visited for a while, and then said our goodbyes. I gave Deryl another hug, and then headed for the hotel office to check out. The checkout itself was another first for me. I had checked in the afternoon before, dressed in my office drab. I was checking out as Cathi, made up, perfumed, and in heels (and pretty legs, too *smile*). Fortunately, this was made easier by the acceptance of the GG's behind the desk, and the presence of both Deryl and Beverly doing their own checkout. The fact that Deryl and Beverly were in drab didn't matter either way, and I retrieved my deposit, asked for and got a receipt, said goodbye again, and headed for my car. The drive home was exciting. I was headed back home, fully dressed, determined to park, unload my things and carry them to my door not really concerned about what my neighbors might think. Of course I was praying that there would not be a crowd (or even a single person) that I would have to meet face-to-face, but I had also packed everything up so that I couldn't back out either, even if there was a crowd. I do have some neighbors who are observant, and I'm sure that I was seen, but they only recognized my car, and not me.
spacerAfter I parked, carried my bags in, and closed the door, I thanked God and everyone involved for what had been a truly wonderful and rewarding experience. I'm still flying high as I finish this, and looking forward to the next KB meeting.
spacerI've got pictures to get developed, and Leilla will send more from her digital camera. I've got new friends and a new level of confidence in my feminine self. In short, I loved it!

Hugs and Kisses!
- Cathi

 

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Mom's Night Out

by Sherri Lynn

Letter A couple of years ago, I came out to my mother. I told her by letter because at the time I could not face her with the truth, that her first born son was a crossdresser. She took the news much better than I thought she would.
spacerSince then, I have visited her many times as Sherri. Sometimes it was on my way to a Triad Gender Association meeting, or to interview a new member for TGA or Kappa Beta. Sometimes we would have coffee together and talk about clothes or wigs, you know, "girl talk."
spacerAll this time I have been trying to talk her into dining out with me and doing some shopping, but she always put me off. I felt she was still afraid I would be read by everyone we met. Last month something changed in the way she was seeing me.
spacerI haven't had a haircut in more than a year, and I have started wearing it with a small hair piece on top to add volume. I pull it back into a ponytail and wear a bow. For some reason, I seem to pass better this way than with my big hair look wig. the first time Mother saw me like this she said that I look more like a woman every time she sees me. It was after that visit that I received a call from her asking Sheri to take her out shopping.
spacerI picked her up on a Friday evening. We headed to the Four Seasons Mall in Greensboro. She did not want to go to our local mall in High Point because she was afraid of running into someone she knew.
spacerThe first thing we did was get something to eat at the food court. I ordered the meal as Mom stood beside me watching how people were reacting to me. We sat in the middle of the court to eat our meal. We were talking when Mom suddenly stopped and said that there was a man looking at me. I said he might be looking at her. She looked at me and stated that I was much prettier and younger and he had to be looking at me. I told her it was not the first time I had been looked at.
spacerFrom there we went into the Belk's store. We both went into the Ladies Room to reapply lipstick. After we left I asked her how it felt to have her son in the restroom with her. She just laughed. We looked around some, then ended up going to Wal-Mart.
spacerAt Wal-Mart we both picked up some new bras along with some panties. We headed over to the fishing department to get a surprise for my stepfather. It was so funny, the two of us shopping for fishing tackle.
spacerAs we headed up front to check out, I told Mom that the last few times I had used my credit card here they had asked to see my ID. I said it might be better for her to walk up front and wait since I was going to reveal that I was a crossdresser. She said there was no way she was going to miss that. She was a little let down when I was not asked for ID and the lady said, "Good night, Ma'am."
spacerOut in the parking lot as we walked back to the car, I was talking when Mom interrupted me. She pointed out how well I walked, talked and even moved my arms like a woman. She was very impressed with how well I passed in public. I looked at her and said, "Mom, there is really a girl inside of me." She believes this now.
spacerOn the drive to her house she wanted to know if I was going to get a sex change. I told her no. I told her that if I had to I could live full time as a woman, but that I could not see a reason for doing it. I am happy as a man and being a crossdresser.
spacerMom wants to go out again and I am going to take her. She said I was more fun to shop with than my sister. I think I look better, too. I have always wanted to be a daughter and now I'm getting the chance. I am a very lucky crossdresser.

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A Day In the Life

How I Learned That There Are Certain Advantages to Being Dressed Well If You Are to be Pulled Over by the Highway Patrol for Exceeding the Speed Limit During Morning Rush…

by Celia

Letter It was with some trepidation that I agreed to accompany Sherri on one of her periodic outreach trips to a college psychology class on Wednesday July 22nd. In this case we were going to UNC-Charlotte to Dr. Lances’s class. I had gamely agreed to do this about two weeks before, but as the appointed day approached I began to get more apprehensive. “What should I wear? What it I have a ‘bad hair’ day or worse - a bad overall look day? How will the students act? Will they be nice to us?” All of these and other questions raced through my mind.

spacerThe day finally arrived. I decided that I would get up kind of early to be able to get out of my apartment before a lot of people were up and about. I decided on a fairly low-key outfit consisting of a jean skirt, dark olive top, and my favorite brown fisherman sandals - no socks or hose (it was to be REALLY hot that day). I also did a light "day-look" on the makeup so as not to draw too much attention while walking around the campus - my height alone makes me unusual enough, thank you very much! Though I really didn’t get out of the house as early as I would have liked, I didn’t run into any neighbors on the way out and got into my buggy and sped off!

spacer The trip out of Apex down highway 64 was uneventful and relaxing. (Was that because I was not at work as I would normally have been? I'll have to try it again to test that theory…) I had left in plenty of time to get to Sherri's, but the girl's got to drive fast in her little machine! I was almost to Sherri's house when that velocity was my downfall. I had gotten into some rather fierce morning commute traffic on I-85 in Greensboro, but felt like I was going with the flow. Then I noticed the cop car "takin' pictures" in the median and I was the main subject! Aacckk! I slowed down immediately but it was too late; an unmarked official looking car pulled in tight behind me and stayed there. I changed to the far right lane to try to look like Ms. Goody Two-Shoes, but he kept right behind me. I was absolutely mortified, a feeling which turned to sheer terror as the blue lights came on.

spacer After I pulled over, the officer went to my passenger side and signalled me to roll down the window, which I quickly did (but not TOO quickly!). “Did you know that you were doing 64 in a 55 back there?”, he said. I nodded as he glanced at me and asked to see my license and registration - the usual. I had taken the opportunity while waiting for him to get to the car to get out my Kappa Beta id along with my license, since the license itself has me pictured in a decidedly unfeminine light. Once he saw the id’s he then looked at me hard and looked at the pictures again. He then asked me where I was going, why was I going there, and what did I do for a living. I told him that I was going to pick up another CD and we were going to UNC-Charlotte to give a presentation. I also related that I was a professional software developer, after which he asked if that was what the presentation was to be about! I said no, that we were trying to educate people about ourselves to show them that we aren’t dangerous - among other things.

spacerThe take-home message here, sisters, is that it’s not such a horrendous experience to get pulled over for a minor moving violation. DWI would be a different story - just say no to drinking and dressing and driving! Cross-dressing is not illegal, so you can’t be arrested for it in and of itself.

spacerWe drove to Charlotte and arrived in the Queen City about 11:30am. Plenty of time to eat lunch and maybe even go shopping! After driving around in a rather hungry daze we settled on Applebee’s in University City. It was lunch rush and so the place was crowded, but we were seated quickly. No one seemed to pay any attention to us other than the wait staff, who may or may not have read us - I couldn’t tell. We ate quickly and left to go shopping - first at TJ Maxx, and then on to Lane Bryant. I ended up buying a couple of nightshirts: one a DKNY and the other was a tie-dyed fuchia (trippin’!). The sales staff in Lane Bryant were very nice, saying as we left - “Don’t be a stranger!”.

It was now time to do what we had come for.

spacerWe met Bobbi and Dr. Lance in his office a little after 1pm and chatted a bit. We then went to the classroom after Sherri and I powdered our noses - this NC heat is just murder on makeup! The room was packed solid with students - maybe about sixty were there. I could feel the old apprehension creeping back up on me… The first thing we did was to help Dr. Lance pass out test papers. I was barely able to keep a somewhat femme voice because of my nervousness, and many times couldn’t pronounce some of the names or even read them at some points. This is unusual for me; when I worked at a hospital in another life (about 15 years ago) I was the one the nurses came to when they couldn’t read the doctor’s prescriptions!

spacerWe finally sat back and let Dr. Lance do his 30 minute spiel on gender issues. This was followed by Bobbi, who told of her first hand experiences as a non-op TS and of being an early fighter in the gender wars. About the time I was trying on my first slip she was being arrested for going into the women’s rest room at a movie theater. The world today is a much more friendly and safe place for us gender enhanced individuals; this due in no small part, I believe, to the courageous souls who would be themselves at whatever the cost.

spacerI was next, so I proceeded to go through the facts of my CD life: finding that I liked to play with Mom’s clothes about age 3-4, followed by a lot of borrowing from her wardrobe through my teen years until I moved out and started buying my own, up to the evaporation of a marriage that I thought would be permanent, as well as my first time out in February of this year. Sherri got up next and told her story, and was easily the most entertaining of us three. She passed around pictures of herself with her family at the beach (in a bathing suit) - the class was amazed. The floor was then opened for questions.

spacerIt was mostly women who asked the questions; the guys were a little nervous. The questions ranged from asking if the ‘high’ of going out en femme continued after one had been doing it for awhile, through questions about our sexual orientations, to asking whether we planned to have SRS. I ended up answering less of the questions than I might have, maybe because I was sitting down or maybe that I didn’t cut in fast enough. Maybe the blonde was getting to me! In any case, I think we did a good show, with several women and one guy coming up to talk to us after class let out. They all thanked us for coming to the class and asked a few more questions. The one guy that came up talked to me at length, wanting to know what it had been like to come out so relatively recently, how I felt about myself, etc. We may have a new member in the future! (Oh, no. I can see it now: we’re shut down by Jesse Helms because we have been ‘recruiting’ cross-dressers from area universities…)

spacerAs we were going back to out cars, a couple of obviously newbie female students came up to us and asked where to find a particular building - I guess we looked like faculty! What a hoot! (And what does that say about the UNC-C faculty!) Of course Sherri and Bobbi were clueless about the collegiate geography and I was blonde, so we were no help at all to the hapless would-be consumers of higher learning.

We said our good-byes and then Sherri and I left to go back to TJ Maxx. There was a dress there I just had to have! I got that and we left to go home. What a day! I have to say that the best times for me are when I can dress as I like and then go DO something interesting; kind of like liking to ‘eat, drink, and be Mary’! In this way I can go out into the world and live in it as Celia and interact with it. The emphasis is shifted from what I am wearing to how I am wearing it and being it, which has the potential for much more variety, range, and sublety of expression. After all, isn’t that what it’s all about? 7/27/98

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