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A True First Time
by
Cathi
have been asked to write this story, but I would have written it anyway.
Just like me, the story has to come "out".., and just like me
I want it out.
I had
just finished a long weekend at a work conference, away from home, intense
sessions, long hours...I was pretty much brain dead from the amount of
information and questions that had gone through my girlish brain. All through
the conference, my mind kept drifting to the time when it would be over
and I could join my sisters at a Kappa Beta meeting. I longed to be crossdressed
to the nines while at the conference, and my eyes kept taking in the GG's
at the conference and at the hotel where it was held... ' ..nice dress
on that girl' I would think to myself. In fact, I even said to a very attractive
co-worker during one of the breaks (..and I'd love to wear it! was the
finishing thought in my mind). I was excited and filled with anticipation
about meeting my KB sisters, as this was to be my first time out with a
group of other CD'ers, sitting and chatting, dining, exposed but accepted
for me and how I look en femme. There was actually little nervousness left.
I had made up my mind and already been through the frights and second guessing
during the previous weeks. A series of "little steps" helped
tremendously, and I was aided, supported, and encouraged by the sisters
I had met on the Internet, and doubly eased by the warm and open phone
chat I had with KB's Sherri. The warmth and welcome that I received when
I finally showed my face almost made my weekend by itself. I cannot say
enough about the relaxed, supportive, and welcoming atmosphere I received
by all of the KB girls I met. I was especially pleased to meet Deryl, another
new member and the other half of "the Carolina Girls" from the
Internet chat room. She and I had been given that label, and we took it
with open heart and ran with it.
My coming out was not just
a piece of cake. I worked, and worked hard, to make it happen. There were
many things I shopped for, and I practiced and practiced on my makeup..
I researched for tips, studied the GG's I saw everywhere. I had been spending
most of my nights and weekends dressed, but not daring to even venture
outside my door. Once, in the very early morning when I believed most everyone
else was still asleep, I stepped out on my patio and enjoyed my coffee
and a smoke dressed in my favorite outfit. As I stood there, looking at
the last of the stars fading out to daylight, I knew that I could be, should
be out. This was the first time I had been outside my own door dressed
en femme in several years. Still knew that my makeup and voice needed lots
of work, but my mind was convinced that I could be out, pass or not, and
be okay (and my mind has always been my worst enemy!).
Still, I almost blew it:
either too tired, too excited, too perfectionist... I took too long getting
ready for my debut, rushed my nails, managed to smear nail polish on my
newest blouse, ruining several nails in the process...I cursed my own actions
while trying to remove the spot without ruining anymore nails, getting
dressed, and polishing my nails again. I looked in the mirror and wanted
to cry. Finally, I was pushed into being pragmatic by the phone ringing.
Everyone was headed to dinner. I would be left behind, still trying to
salvage a disaster. I put on my wig, ..no time to really style my hair
as I had planned, grabbed my purse, checked for keys (no time to get locked
out, too), and tiptoed my way down the stairs and across the parking lot
(all by myself *smile*) managing not to break a heel or fall down ( *another
smile*), and met up with my sisters. I was breathless from excitement/nervousness,
but it passed quickly. I hugged Deryl as we were introduced, and tried
to remember names...Duh! that's always tough. While no one whistled at
my looks, no one made any sudden dashes for the bathroom either, so I told
myself everything would be okay. I needed a cigarette, and I was relieved
that I wasn't the only smoker in the group. In fact, I fit right in.
In my excitement and rush,
I had left my membership fee and completed application back in my room, so after a short while, I excused myself and went back to get it. This involved another trip across the parking lot, up the stairs, and searching through my purse for my room key. I stuffed the forgotten paperwork in my purse and took a few minutes to try and fix my nails and hair better. In doing so, I almost missed out on dinner, and found myself almost running back across the parking lot to rejoin the group. We all walked to the restaurant next door, and, thankfully for me, were escorted to a private meeting/dining room. While I probably could have faced a public crowd with the group, I was relieved to be seated in a private room, as I was already self-conscience about the nail polish smears and my hair. Between the GG waitresses (several) and a GG who drifted in from the bar (several times with different friends in tow), the remaining barriers to being out were broken. I relaxed, had a great dinner, and really enjoyed the sisters I was surrounded by. (Michelle, I really do love that dress you were wearing. I want one for myself!) Because the other sisters shared their experience and feelings and fears, I could dispel the thoughts of being the only one with those same thoughts, feelings, and fears, and just be me. That's all I really wanted/want to be anyway.. just me.
Because of the work conference,
I felt too pooped to join some of the others in the public bar after dinner,
even for a cola (since I don't drink). Deryl was pooped too, so we walked
back to our rooms. We sat and chatted for several minutes, getting to know
each other better. I liked that too, as she and I had become electronic
friends, now face to face friends. It was because of Deryl's encouragement
and the fact that she was going as a first time member that prompted me
to get in touch with KB. (Deryl, dear, thank you! *HUG*).
I once again mastered the
parking lot, stairs, and purse getting back to my hotel room, hung my skirt
and blouse up, slipped on my sexy sleep wear, and sank into bed to reflect
and revel in the day's wonderful experience. I still had tomorrow mornings
coffee get together in Sherri's room to look forward to, and I dropped
off to sleep, still in my makeup, tired by happy.
I woke up early, and it's
a good thing. I had plenty of time and I took advantage of it (and still
almost managed to take too long). I packed, bathed, re-applied makeup,
switched nail polish, dressed in another skirt and my favorite pink sweater.
I got a bit more organized (maybe the sleep and coffee helped), carried
my bags to the car, returned to my room to grab purse, coffee cup, and
drove over to Sherri's room. Everyone except Leilla was in drab, but I
had made up my mind that I was out for the weekend, and I was going to
enjoy it. Sherri made my morning by complimenting my legs (this skirt was
shorter and I was wearing soft beige stockings instead of the black ones
of the night before.. (a girl does scheme, doesn't she? *giggle*). Leilla
indulged me by using my camera to take a couple of pictures of me, coaxing
a smile in the process. We all visited for a while, and then said our goodbyes.
I gave Deryl another hug, and then headed for the hotel office to check
out. The checkout itself was another first for me. I had checked in the
afternoon before, dressed in my office drab. I was checking out as Cathi,
made up, perfumed, and in heels (and pretty legs, too *smile*). Fortunately,
this was made easier by the acceptance of the GG's behind the desk, and
the presence of both Deryl and Beverly doing their own checkout. The fact
that Deryl and Beverly were in drab didn't matter either way, and I retrieved
my deposit, asked for and got a receipt, said goodbye again, and headed
for my car. The drive home was exciting. I was headed back home, fully
dressed, determined to park, unload my things and carry them to my door
not really concerned about what my neighbors might think. Of course I was
praying that there would not be a crowd (or even a single person) that
I would have to meet face-to-face, but I had also packed everything up
so that I couldn't back out either, even if there was a crowd. I do have
some neighbors who are observant, and I'm sure that I was seen, but they
only recognized my car, and not me.
After I parked, carried
my bags in, and closed the door, I thanked God and everyone involved for
what had been a truly wonderful and rewarding experience. I'm still flying
high as I finish this, and looking forward to the next KB meeting.
I've got pictures to get
developed, and Leilla will send more from her digital camera. I've got
new friends and a new level of confidence in my feminine self. In short,
I loved it!
Hugs and Kisses!
- Cathi
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