Bluegrass BelleView, May 1998

With No Apologies

By Dawn Wilson

Early April was a time of very mixed feelings, all of which would cause normal people to go crazy. From March 31st to April 4 has been known in my home as "The Reign Of Terror." Not only was the 4th my uncle's birthday, but it was the beginning of his April tomfoolery, from which nobody was safe! April 4th was something else as well, the anniversary of the assassination of The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., a day we were taught tonever forget. All of this would soon culminate into opening weekend at Keeneland, to which my uncle would take us during every meet. This year, due to work, I could not attend. It hurt. It felt as though I let him down. But I digress.....

Many times in the TG community, we tend to get down on ourselves more than we deserve. What makes matters worse is the feeling that we are all alone in this cruel society, but this is not the case. As Anne was telling me about what was going on with Washington and some members of the group, I was preparing

to become the last "governor of Hong Kong". In other words I was preparing to shut down the mainframe that employed me and my company for the past two years. You see, a few years ago I was where some of you are right now; homeless, jobless and SUPPORTLESS. I was living in Louisville at the time, and received no help from my support group. It took a lot of prayer and a lot of guts to start a company from stratch and then move home. Also, I was very ill with what the doctors thought was a form of bowel disease similar to cancer. Fortunately, it was not.

When I signed the contract for the Jockey Club, I was still in the hospital. I didn't start until November of 1996. In Dec I decided to start a gender group that would lend that support 24-7. and BGB was born. So far we have been there for members as much if not more than possible.So as BGB grew, so did our work in the community, and within ourselves. No one here is alone - NoOne - and I amproud of it. So at 14:00pm (2:00) as issued the last command to the operator, I thanked God for the opportunity, and those still to come. Like the British governor of Hong Kong, I cutoff the last 386 and left the room to the the cheers of waiting collegues outside. As I walked back to my desk to begin the clean up process, which will last a week, I cried. I will be returning to UK on contract over the rest of the year. It is a bittersweet victory.

Sometimes, people don't want to deal with reality and facts. These are some views I shared with those persons who are considered leaders in the trangendered community concerning The Human Rights Campaign fund's (HRC) exclusion of trangenders, They were not well received........

"Thank you for airing these concerns. As you well know, I have had more than my share of fights in Kentucky with HRC, Fairness and the like. I agree with your logic, but not with the approach. I believe our attack should be two fold:

1. Vehemently protest 3 days before HRC's Event at the place the event will be held. This will cause them to ask members of the community to come to the event gratis. Community leaders go to the event, then walk out after eating their dinner to a crowd of cheering TG's, and hold a press conference showing HRC for the lying dogs they are.

2. Full Court Press. Write articles on line . Talk tonewspapers large and small. Get on talk radio. Show up in the state capital. Sit in on their meeting and silently protest. Disrupt HRC press conferences and do more Lobby Days. Run for office, whether you win or lose,HRC gets a black eye.

After the insult I suffered at the hands of a drag queen in Canada during an IFGE dinner ( I was singled out, being the only African - American in the room.) I have no love for the so called HNIC's at HRC, and the so - called gay world they live in. As for BGB We have taken the following actions: We have posted ads on the net and in African - American, Hispanic,and Asian papers, to let those people know we are out there. It is our mission to reach as many people as we can, and help them come to their own self - awareness, as well as enlightening our own."

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. On April 19th, 5 members of the BGB lobbied Congress for a federal hate crimes bill that will hopefully be transgender inclusive.. Like the fight with ENDA I lobbied for in 1995 & 1997, HRC has tried to exclude trangenders. Well, just like we did then, we are going to be hanging around to fight! So now it has begun! The beginning of the great campaign. A campaign I plan to win with or without the support of this community. Make no mistake, I want as many of you on board as will come, but I will not beg. I have a campaign to plan, a battle to win.

The second impact came tonight asTeamWilson 2000 met for the first time. It is now official, I am in the running for state office! The first openly transgendered person in this state to run for state office. Now, I am not going to say too much about this campaign, for fear of getting ahead of myself. What I can say is that. Team Wilson is in this to win, and not just to make a point. I have hired one of the best political consulting firms in the country, and we will not be taking any prisoners! Government should be the highest calling in this country, not the lowest. Over the next few months, we will have an exploratory committee that will help us develop strategies and overall outlook.

To all my GLB and trangendered brothers and sisters who feel that we should not be seen or heard, I hate to upset your apple cart! To all those closeted TG's who wish to be critical, I have one thing to say ,"Come out of the closet, and say it to my face." The time for talk has passed, it is not time for inaction. It is time for positive players in a very sordid game. It is time for someone to take a stand at the next level....... I AM THAT

SOMEBODY!!! So take cover, Lexington, Ky, and Fayette County is in for some real changes - ones that count!

The scenarios are as follows:

1) Team Wilson focuses on the Third district council seat while watching Scorsone. If he win the 6th district election for US Rep, we switch gears and go after the State Senate seat.

2) If Stein goes after the Senate, we will go after her seat in the the 75th District of the House.

3) If Stein goes after the 6th district seat in the US House. We go after her Kentucky House seat.

4) If everything holds pat, we go after the 3rd District seat.

So far, I have brought in Sam McIntosh and his team from MC Squared consulting, and Amy Buckley from Saybrook Advertising. So how serious am I? Well, more serious than many may believe. I have begun working on fundraising and have pre- drafted a letter. I already have several comittments of help and funds. The last campaigns in the 75th, 13th and the 3rd ran between $23,000 - $30,000. We are budgeting for 10% more than the max. Safe is a four letter word as far as I am concerned. You can't get to second if your foot is still on first. In my opinion, that has been the problem in this community - we are still standing on first. If we continue to think we are too small to have an impact ( i.e. those closeted TG's and GLB who like to critize ) then we will never get the rights we deserve.

Recently, I was honored to watch my spry 94 year young aunt stand up and address a crowd of dignitaries, as she received the greatest honor of her life. Known to everyone as Mrs. Sidney Bell or "granny", this family matriarch has watched all of her generation pass on, the last being her sister Luella ( my mom of 25yrs ). Tonight, she was presented with a very high honor: The Sidney Bell Johnson Scholarship will be given to an outstanding minority student whose life has benefited not only the university, but the community as well. The award amount is $1500, which was donated in her name by a student who won another award! My aunt addressed the crowd with the clarity of a queen and a savvy of a fox, They were impressed! So am I!!!!

There is a lot that the BGB have been asked to host or participate in. All of it can be helpful to us all, if we make plans to attend. Now, none of this is set in stone, so if you have ideas, please let us know about them. They will be acted upon!

May - Lexington Pride Prom

June - RSICK Coronation - BGB presented to Court of Kentucky.

Pride Picnic - Our own Angelika! Is slated to be the MC. Working Class Kitchen Poetry Reading - Dawn Wilson - Transgendered Movie night - All TG Movies, All Night

July - C-J Jounalist ( either June or July ) Image consultant - and GID discussion

Aug - Kings Island - Group Shopping Trip to Florence Mall or Kenwood Mall - Dinner Meeting.

Sept - Open

As many of you know, I currently have entered my 5th year on the Robert H. Williams Cultural Center Board. It is an acheivement I am quite proud of. Not often does an openly transgendered person get to serve on a community board. I transitioned while on the board and was seen very differently by very conservative members of the African American Community in Lexington. It was not easy, but my work and commitment have won out.

April 18 was a very important day for me, in that it would be my first real fundraiser that I would attend without the benefit of my "Mom" and "Dad". With Guy on a carrier, and my brother in Germany, this was going to be a long weekend! To make matters worse, it was Women's Day at my family's home church. You know, the one I left behind for a more accepting place to worship? The surprise: As I read my E-mail Saturday morning I got a message from Karen that was very important, and as I was trying to reach her, I heard a knock on my door. Cursing after tripping over my dog, I answered it. There stood a sight for sore eyes: Naval Capt. Wallace William Wilson II, M.D. He had returned, and with him were Kim and her brother Louie. But, more importantly, he was carrying my little nephew WWW,3rd! He also brought news that Guy would be home by May 15th for good. Why my brother was home, I did not know, but I was glad. He and Kim were going to go to the Beaux Art Ball but when he heard of the RHWCC fundraiser, he attended it instead! "You have a lot to learn, Kid, I hope two years is enough." These were my brother's exact words when I told him of my political plans. His fear was that I was not as in tune with the politics of Lexington. The true politics! He was still hurting from the civil war that erupted 18yrs ago when family members ran against each other. Wilson means Winner, we were told, and so far it has been true. 7-1, we only lost to ourselves. I was offended; who was he to tell me about politics? What did he know? Well, to tell the truth, more than me. As we entered the dance from the limo we presented our tickets and found our table. I dressed in a black pantsuit (too cold for a dress) Kim in a cream colored one. The guys were dressed in the latest Italian suits. Immediately my brother was besieged! He of the embracing smile and easy manner was constantly asked; was he here to stay? Repeatedly, he said no. The dance raised $4000.00 for the center, and raised my spirits. I watched as my brother moved through the crowd, he was effortless. He introduced me tomany people who may be of great help in 2000.

After the dance I went to my own church, and joined the family for dinner later. It was here that my brother told me what he felt about the campaign. Some positive, some negative,but most of all solid advice. He once thought about it but after the C. W., he wanted no part of it. I asked him if he could help me, and his reply was this: "I can help to a point, then you're on your own,Kid." This election will be the 9th Wilson campaign as my cousin runs for sheriff. Mine will be the 3rd major and the 10th overall. One too many for him. He didn't want me to get hurt, but he's got my back if I need him. We then went to the family church for the Women's Day Evening program, where my aunt Mary Evelyn ("Scholarship" Sidney's Daugther) was on the program doing interpretation. Since Deaconess's and Evangelists who are women have to sit 1 row behind the minsters on the floor, and not in the Pulpit or on the deacon's bench, I was not willing to go, but I went anyway. The service in the beginning was very staid. Then it was Mary E's turn. As the music began, we heard her voice, but could not see her. It was like James Earl Jones doing the voice over in a commerical or a documentary. Her strong, unwavering voice spoke loud and clear of the goodness of God. She spoke of committment, faith, struggle, loss and dignity. She spoke of courage and strength, and what it took be not only a woman, but an African - American woman of God. Near the end of this interpretation, she stepped out and preached, thanking God for bringing us all from"a mighty long ways". She left the Pulpit area to a standing ovation. It was a powerful piece from a powerful lady . Only two male minsters stood: Wallace William and Felix Williams; the rest were stunned. They had been outpreached and outdone. Before the end of the service, we had a "shouting good time" and the male Minsters had to admit that M. E. outpreached them. It was during this service that showed me I still have a lot lot to learn in life. My brother was right, I am still a little medium well, and not well done yet. But I am getting there, and that's what impressed him more. I am no longer a student but a teacher, one who is still learning!

As many of you know, I helped with the political endorsements that will be issued in the LETTER. David Williams sent out a detailed questionaire which asked the candidates very directly about fairness, gender inclusion with transgendered spelled out in the survey, and health issues. Based on the responses we recieved the following Endorsement were made:

US Senate - Scotty Baesler

US REP 3RD District- Virginia Woodward

US REP 6TH District- Ernesto Scorsone

Jefferson Co Judge Executiv- Fred Cowan

Mayor of Louisville- Tom Owen

1st ward- Tina Ward Pugh

2nd - David Bell

3rd - Bill Allison

4th - no endorsement

5th - Emily Boone

6th - non endorsement

7th - no endorsement

8th - Andrea Pecchioni

9th - Denise Bentley

10th - George Unseld

11th - Gerry Marie Ellis

12th - Mattie Jones

Now no candidate made the list that was not Transgender freindly. I saw to that. All these candidates are sound and we hope they win!

Love, Dawn Josephine Wilson


Our Time in Eden

By Anne Casebeer

What's Wrong With Lobby Days

Another Lobby Days event has come and gone, and the best word that I can use to describe it is "ennui." My feelings are mixed indeed, not because I lack any belief in the need to tell our elected officials what we think, not because I didn't enjoy doing it, and certainly not because I know that passage of anything we lobbied for is unlikely this year. You see, I don't like attacking people that I respect, and I don't want to be misunderstood, but I have to call things the way I see them. I was bothered a bit to read JoAnn Roberts' negative comments about the '98 Lobby Days in Renaissance News and Views' March issue, but her comments that GenderPAC is unfocused and that attendance would be less than before were correct. Credit where credit's due.

There is a fundamental need to change the way we plan and execute Lobby Days, and I wonder if Riki Anne Wilchins is kidding herself sometimes about what we accomplished there. In fact, I wonder if anyone knows if we really accomplished anything or not this time. That is the problem. In business, you quantify everything with numbers and statistics, and I don't think Dana Priesing and Riki Anne Wilchins can quantify much statistically about this lobbying effort. In fact, I'm convinced that nobody knows for certain how many people even lobbied, from what states, and who visited what Representatives or Senators. I received an email from her (probably sent to most of the lobbyists) that stated that over 100 lobbyists were on the Hill. Sorry, but last year there were 60, and the group gathered for the Monday morning group shot looked more like 40 to me. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but prove me wrong, please. A signup sheet was circulated at the Sunday night planning session, but it never made it back to me, and I was seated about 3/4 of the way back in the room. Also, at the Sunday night meeting, there were a number of people from Brown University that were ostensibly supposed to lobby with us. In fact, a young man from Brown was introduced to me that was a native of Louisville. We asked him to join us at Rep. Baesler's office at 10AM. Not only did we not see him, we didn't see any of the Brown people on the Hill at all. Never ran into them in the halls, or anywhere else.

I checked in with Dana twice to let her know who I'd talked to, and she commented that "it's impossible to organize transpeople", and that "nobody's been checking in". On Tuesday morning, I checked in with her to see if there were any particular members of Congress that needed to be visited, since I'd exhausted the Kentucky and Tennessee delegations, and found out that Dana not only didn't even have a list of who had been seen, but didn't even know who was there lobbying from what states! I kept my thoughts to myself at that point, but found it to be ludicrous. It indicated to me that there was no strategy, no organization, no direction, just a "you're here, now go do something" attitude. This is a problem that originates with the Sunday meeting, when we were treated to inspirational speeches from Riki Anne and Nancy Buermeyer of HRC, but not much organization. In my opinion, a priority of the Sunday session is to find out the following: Who is here, from what state, who have you made appointments to visit, and who is left over that simply must be visited.

I'm quite aware that Riki Anne Wilchins and Phyllis Frye , former head of ICTLEP, are not exactly drinking buddies. I am reluctant to use the following point of comparison, but I did attend both the ICTLEP and GenderPAC lobbying efforts in 1997, so it can't be helped. Phyllis' priority was to organize the lobbyists, find out where they had appointments, and then made sure that we covered as many important Senators as possible. Decisions were made at the Sunday session as to who was going to see what Senator, and we did it, giving a report on what happened afterwards. I feel that there is no question that Phyllis can tell you exactly what was accomplished in each visited office. The effort went like clockwork, and 20 lobbyists did a massive amount of fact-finding. At the GenderPAC days in May 1997, in contrast, there was little effort to assign offices, determine who was there and seeing whom. Worse, many of us made appointments with our local legislators on the basis of a lobbying effort for passage of a trans-inclusive ENDA, then found that the thrust of the lobbying effort was for hate crimes. Hate crimes legislation is important to our community, and is probably the most likely issue we can get legislation passed to address, but to many of us, employment rights is THE most important issue. Most importantly, I fear that it made us look like bait-and-switch con artists. In many offices, a different legislative assistant handles the two issues, which made us look like fools. We are transpeople, and our appearance in offices is a curiosity already, to be honest. The image we need to be putting forth is one of absolute professionalism, informed expertise, and crisp businesslike presentation. This didn't help.

What is needed to make next year's effort a viable one? In a word, organization. The Sunday session is the key to the effort. On Sunday night, we need to explain what is being lobbied for, determine who has come and from where, take note of what appointments have already been made, and prioritize the remainder. If you are in Washington lobbying, you should see your state's legislators, but if you come from a small state like Kentucky, you can see many other states' officials, too. There were many states that did not have lobbyists in attendance, and some of their Senators and Representatives are very important. In a related effort, copies of the bill being lobbied need to be disseminated a couple weeks before the Lobby Days to allow study time, along with a statement of what the status of the bill is. I was told by Congressman Baesler's LA about the status of HCPA in the House (stuck in Rep. Hyde's House Judiciary Committee). Had I been organizing this, I'd have made certain that every Representative on the House Judiciary Committee was lobbied. This goes into the organizing of this event: prioritizing who we use our limited number of lobbyist-hours to visit. First priority should be the lobbyists' local representatives and Senators; second, their previous years' contacts; third, the members of the House and Senate committees that hold the keys to a floor vote; and fourth, possible and probable supporters and swing votes. This recognizes that there are a limited number of lobbyists with limited time, and uses them the most effective way possible.

As I said earlier, I am uncomfortable in the role of attack dog. I don't like to be a whistle-blower, to be the one to tell the emperor that he forgot to wear his clothes. One reason is this: if I suggest that change is necessary, then I believe that I have the duty to volunteer to make the changes reality. On the other hand, I don't have all the time in the world, and have obligations to my family and career, and cannot say what will be going on in Spring of 1999 in my life at this writing. Despite this, I've made the decision to offer my managerial and organizational skills to whomever may plan a lobbying effort in 1999, because I believe that since I wrote this, I must put up or shut up. So, consider this to be my official volunteers' notice.

Some people talk of a "pink fog" that makes everything look wonderful in the transgendered world after one comes out. For me, that pink fog has lifted, and I can see and sense what is most important without any rose-colored glasses. Lobby Days are vitally important events that need to happen every year without fail, and with as many lobbyists as can attend. Our elected officials, locally as well as nationally, need to see us, meet us, talk to us, learn about us. At the same time, we need to learn about them. As an example, I will use my visit in the office of Senator Thompson of Tennessee. Senator Thompson is a strongly conservative Republican, and wouldn't be considered a likely supporter. Yet, Marjorie and I were able to talk to the LA for about 45 minutes about the law involved and what would be required for Senator Thompson to support it. It's easy for us to paint legislators as "conservative" and "liberal", and make assumptions that they don't support us because they are "conservative." The Senator's LA was honest about what made his boss tick in the legal sense; the key for the Senator is states' rights, and he is consistantly concerned about encroachment into legislative action that should be reserved for state legislatures. The question for Thompson is "can this be done at a state level - or is this something that really must be done at a Federal level?" I used the argument that I didn't feel that the 1964 Civil Rights Act would have passed in many Southern state legislatures in 1964, but that the Congress recognised that this was the right course of action for the entire US to take, and so it took action. I told the LA that I felt that the Hate Crimes Protection Act, as well as ENDA, fell into that category. Will the Senator buy it? Probably not, but at least they heard us out. To that office, we are not strange oddities of nature anymore, but real people with a reasonable point to make.

That, my friends, is why I go to Washington every year. For all the good works that we may do locally (and, as a board member of It's Time, Kentucky, I recognize the need to pursue local political action), the Federal Government represents our best hope for protecting the rights of most transgendered people. Our elected officials need to see that most of us aren't fresh from the green room of the Jerry Springer Show. We have careers, legitimate concerns, and people who care about us that are endangered by their very association with us. I'm extremely proud that my great friend Amy McCorkle was able to lobby with me, even though she was taken ill and unable to go to that many offices; when she was able, she strongly aired her concerns in this area. We need to reach out for more significant others, family members, and friends and supporters to lobby with us. The fact is, rights for transgendered people are not just for transgendered people, they're for our friends, our families, for our very survival, and for the sake of our nation as we approach the millenium. Lobby Days must be effective for this to happen, and even though disorganized to a fare-thee-well this year, still did some good. Certainly, we enjoyed, as always, meeting and talking to our fellow lobbyists, not to mention another wonderful trip to The Official Washington Bar of the Bluegrass Belles, Mr. Eagan's. Our job must be to make the annual lobbying effort ever more effective and learn from our mistakes.

So, what have I volunteered for now? Help! Somebody stop me before I hurt myself.....

Freedom and Mascara!

Anne Casebeer


AEGIS and ITA to Merge, Form New Nat'l Group

After six months of deliberation, the Boards of Directors of American Educational Gender Information Service, Inc. and It's Time, America! have agreed on a merger which will form a new organization, Gender Education and Advocacy (GEA). GEA will be, as its name implies, a transgender organization dedicated to both education and advocacy. GEA will continue the educational and political functions of its two parent organizations.

GEA will consist of a 501(c)(3) policy-making Institute and a 501(c)(4) Network of state chapters for policy implementation. The Institute and Network will be linked by Bylaws and a Joint Operating Agreement (JOA), which are under development. GEA's Mission and Values statements and a list of Core Functions have been completed and approved.

GEA hopes to begin operations by the end of 1998.

From Transgender Forum, 4-20-98




'Make me a girl when I wake up'

By John Lehmann, The Ottawa Citizen

Drummer Michelle Josef, formerly Bohdan Hluszko of Prairie Oyster, has found peers in the music business to be generally supportive and encouraging about her sex change. For 35 years, Prairie Oyster drummer Bohdan Hluszko lived as a man. But a sexual identity crisis made him decide to become a woman. Michelle Josef talks about her life.

I was extremely thin when I was a child. I grew into a six-foot, 198-pound man but I used to be mistaken for a girl a lot, and that felt right. When I was referred to as a boy, that didn't feel right. I used to sit beside my bed and say to God, "Bless Mum, bless Dad, bless the cat, and make me a girl when I wake up."

When I was eight, I started cross-dressing. I wouldn't even admit it to myself, let alone to another human being. I would sneak into my mother's bedroom, borrow her undergarments and go into the bathroom to put them on. Then I would feel tremendously guilty about the whole thing and swear I'd never do it again. And two days later I'd be doing it again.

Somehow, at around the age of nine, I got it into my head that at puberty was when my genitals would change into female genitals. But when puberty came around I got larger, I got hairier, my voice dropped and I thought, "What is this all about?" It just wasn't right at all. I knew that there was a problem. I didn't have the psychological sophistication to be able to identify it and at that time -- I was born in 1953 -- there was certainly no support of any kind. My parents were hard-working immigrants from Ukraine. They were just trying to survive. My mother cleaned doctors' offices. My father was smart enough to know that factory jobs provided a safety net, so he always looked for factory jobs. He had musical inclinations but he knew that if he could get a job that had dental, eyeglass and medical coverage it would be easier for the family. He sacrificed himself for us. Canada is built on the backs of people like my father and my mother, but they were coming from Europe, from really hideous experiences. Twenty-five million people died on Ukrainian soil and they saw that first hand. They saw people dragged into the streets and shot, just wave after wave of oppression.

They were trying to survive, and I don't think they could even conceptualize what I was going through. Certainly, there were no counselling lines for youths at the time -- none of that existed -- and I couldn't tell any of my friends, so I just learned to bury it. I just buried it and buried it deep, but it was always there, like a silent torture. At the same time, I had a very strong belief in God, which I still have. So the story of my life has been trying to marry my gender identity, my spiritual beliefs and my music to make one whole cohesive thing.

When I was a child my parents used to take me to Ukrainian weddings. It seems that at least once a month we went to a wedding, and I spent my entire time sitting at the side of the stage watching the drummer. As I watched, I figured out what they were doing and I knew I could do that. I knew that's what I wanted to do. I didn't get a set of drums until I was 14, but as I was growing up I was banging on everything in sight -- constantly. When I finally got drums, I set them up in the basement and played every chance I had. I was really driven to learn and took lessons throughout my teens. When I finished high school, my parents wanted me to go to university. I went to live in residence at York, the first time in my life I was actually exposed to alternate ideas, although I didn't voice them. My feelings were still a deeply buried secret. The following year, I went to the Ontario College of Art and came to live at Queen and Bathurst streets. I sort of found my people -- artists and artistic thinkers -- and in the course of that year, through friends, I met David Wilcox, one of the world's great guitar players. David is a great musical thinker, an extremely musical man. He was not only a mentor to me, musically and spiritually, but also a mentor to a whole scene. He had a tremendous influence on every musician he ever worked with. Everyone who has been in David's band is a better musician for it, every one of them. We started jamming together and by the end of the year we had formed a band called the Rhythm Rockets, a really good band. It became very successful. There was a big live club scene back then and I played drums on David's first album.

Suddenly, I had to choose between making money with a great rock 'n' roll band or continuing college and starving to death. Tough choice. I chose a music career and played with David on and off for almost 10 years, right into the early '80s. There was also a period in the early '70s when I worked with the Good Brothers. I played one song on their first album and toured with them for almost two years. They were really good. And through David I met a lot of other people, including Amos Garrett, who played guitar on Midnight at the Oasis, with Maria Muldaur.I made two records with Amos -- I was in his band for a couple of years -- an album called Amosbehavin', one of his solo records, and another record with a bunch of other characters called The Return of the Formerly Brothers, which won a Juno Award. And for the last 12 years, I've been part of what's called the Edmonton Folk Festival house band, led by Amos, backing up the most amazing people at one of the most popular folk festivals in the country. One of my strengths as a musician is that I know a lot of styles. I've been in reggae bands, country bands, blues bands. I've played with many, many great old blues performers. I've played rock 'n'roll. I made two records with the Wild Strawberries, radio pop stuff, a wonderful band to play with. I did a tour with Jann Arden. Playing with Prairie Oyster for two years was just a tremendously good experience for me, fantastic. Doing 100 concerts a year, playing to 3,000 people -- it sure whips your playing into shape. You don't have that second set to get it together. People have paid their good money and want a good show from the first note to the last note. They don't want to hear five songs as a warm-up. My attitude and Prairie Oyster's attitude was to get out there and deliver the goods from the first note.

The problem with repressing my gender is that gender is a fundamental part of anybody's being. Repressing my gender paralyzed me from becoming a whole and complete person, and my life has been one of many personal crises. I was very frightened. I was very mixed up. It was very hard to be a complete person without addressing the gender issue, but it took me an awfully long time to address it. For most of my adult life, I tried to define myself as a heterosexual male. I was married (divorced 12 years ago). I fathered a child (a daughter, now 14). I mean, for most of my life I've been trying to make Michelle go away. I tried to kill her. I begged God to take her away from me. I sought out psychotherapy to make her go away. I tried to drug Michelle away. The late '60s was a time of experimentation with drugs for many people, but for me it was also a way of numbing myself, of not feeling. About three years ago, I realized I could no longer go on. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered suicide. Those who were close to me were very concerned and very supportive, and when I looked at my life I realized there was enough there to live for. I loved life and I wanted to live. But I went into a dark place. I went into the cave, the shadow. I realized that the person I had defined as Bohdan Hluszko to the world was no longer viable. This person could not exist anymore. I had to profoundly change how I thought about myself and everything was on the table -- my gender, my career, all my friends, my relationship with my family.

I just came to a place where I sort of left it up to the universe and said, "OK, God, I'm ready. Please give me the strength to accept, and the wisdom to understand, whatever it is that comes along."

At first, I actually was not prepared to assume a female identity. This was in the summer of 1995. That September, my father died. A few weeks later, my daughter came to live with me. A few weeks after that, Prairie Oyster hired me as their drummer. Those were all big changes and I took about a year and a half to sort things out. That's just the speed I work at. It's not a race. I knew I could no longer define myself as heterosexual and specifically male, that I had to change, but it took me about a year and a half to process that.

You will find if you speak to transgendered people -- male to female and female to male -- that a percentage of those people do not identify themselves as male or female. They actually identify themselves as being a third sex. So I cast myself into the grey zone between the genders. I was there for a couple of years and it was a very difficult place to be. There are a lot of lost souls in that grey zone, a lot of phantom-like figures.The first people I actually started talking to about what I was experiencing were people in gay bars. I would put on a hat, get into the car, make sure none of the neighbours was watching and head off to gay bars. I was at least able to talk to people there without having them give me that wide-eyed stare of total incomprehension or total unacceptance. In the gay bars, I found I was able to appear more and more cross-dressed, but I was terrified this might get back to the music community. I just thought the music community would be 100-per-cent opposed. I looked on the music business as an old-boys' network, very macho, and I thought coming out would be the absolute end of my career. My identity as a musician is just as important to me as my gender identity. It's a fundamental part of who and what I am. So I was trying to protect myself. I meet a lot of transgendered people and some of them will never come out, because it's too threatening to their entire life structure, or they perceive it to be that way.I perceived it to be that way, too. There was no way I was going to walk into the Horseshoe Tavern and start telling my friends, "Hey, guess what? I want to wear a skirt." I just thought it was beyond their ability to even comprehend it, let alone accept it. I was terrified the music community would just write me off. As it turns out, I was incredibly wrong about that. I have found that my peers in the music business, by and large, have been incredible, not only accepting but also encouraging and supportive. I've been the fodder of a lot of gossip but the gossip has not been as malicious as I thought it would be. Nobody has directly made me an object of derision. People have been curious. It turns out the gossip monster is just curiosity, which is fair enough. I know I'm a curiosity. The guys who have the biggest problem accepting me are the ones who seem to be most hung up on the conquest of females. Why? What's it to them? Why does my desire to be a complete, whole, happy, secure human being threaten anybody else? I mean, I'm not going through this to warp straight guys' heads. But sometimes in a bar, a guy will see my legs and get aroused and realize I'm not female and start to feel threatened. So it ceases to be my issue and becomes his issue. My experience has been that the more someone feels threatened, the more they are hiding from themselves.

After I'd been out in the gay community for about a year and a half, I came to realize that I was a lot happier in a female identity than I was in a male identity. Once I accepted that, then my identity started to shift, so much so that I could no longer accept being defined male. It was as simple as that. Nobody will just simply perform a sex change. There are private clinics that do it but they want references first from two psychotherapists. They also want you to live a full-time transgendered identity for at least a year, and to be on hormones for at least six months. Those are the usual requirements. I'm involved with the gender clinic at the Clarke Institute in Toronto, and their requirement before surgery is full-time transgendered identity for two years. I agree with that. I want to be sure. Genital surgery is not reversible. About a year and a half ago, I started taking hormones. I take testosterone suppressants and estrogen enhancers. They've affected my muscular distribution, my voice, my body hair, my body fat and to a very small degree they've affected my skeleton. They're also affecting how I think and feel. They're affecting my sexual preference. My sexual preference is shifting. Usually, you start with a hormonal program, then electrolysis. Electrolysis is a long, painful, ghastly proposition to remove the hair off your face. That separates the boys from the girls, let me tell you -- having an electric needle stuck in your face. You really know you're determined to do this if you can go through electrolysis. They stick a needle into the hair follicle and electricity is shot down that needle to destroy the hair root. Laser electrolysis covers a much larger area and essentially does the same thing -- destroys the hair root -- but with a laser light rather than a needle full of electricity. I've had a combination of laser and conventional electrolysis. It's very painful and it's very costly. I've also had some surgeries. Some transgendered people (who begin as men) are extremely effeminate and don't need much surgery. They have very feminine faces. They have very feminine hair, fingers, features, body fat. I haven't, so I've had -- let's just say the breasts aren't 100 per cent hormones. And you can have as much plastic surgery as you want and can afford, depending on how much that's important to you. It's phenomenal how much you can be altered, the miracle of modern medicine. Not everybody elects to have sexual reassignment surgery, where the genitals are transformed. But I want the full transition. My sexual preferences are changing and I want to have sex with men. I mean, why else would you want it? There are now specialists who do nothing but sexual reassignment surgery. It's about a two-hour operation.

As far as my career goes, I think I'm a bit radioactive right now. People want to hire me but they are reluctant to an extent. I'm sure at some point, my gender change will become less and less and less of an issue with people. People are calling me -- I've been in this business a long time -- but I'm looking for really high-profile work. I want to play for the best musicians I can find, because I always have. And if anything, this transition I'm going through has enhanced my playing. The root of my playing is the passion I have in music. If the passion I feel is deeper and stronger and more pure, it shows up in my playing. I play much more relaxed right now, and being in a relaxed state of mind I'm open to the flow of emotion and ideas. I'm calmer. I'm happier. I'm more connected to my feelings. I don't tell myself any more, "Don't feel that, don't say that." I don't live a half life. I don't live in shadows anymore. I've stood out in the light of public scrutiny and I'm finding out that light isn't so bad. In a way, the issues facing me aren't that different than issues facing anybody. I have some medical issues to go through, but in the course of our lifetime I think all of us are challenged with defining our own identity, defining what makes us happy. A lot of people rise to those challenges. A lot of people deflect it. It sort of depends on how willing you are to really take a hard look at what is your value system. I've had to look at things from a perspective that a lot of other people don't have to look at it from, but I want what anybody else wants in life. I want to be loved. I want to be lovable. I want to know I have an importance in people's hearts. I want to have dignity and integrity, and I want to prosper and be happy, like anybody else.




Book Review:

"Mom, I Need To Be a Girl"

By Phyllis Frye

I wish I'd had this book to give to my parents and siblings and other relatives in 1976, the year that I transitioned. Or maybe even before. I don't know if it would have made a difference with some, but I think it would have helped with most, and it would have made my life a lot easier for sure. Mom, I Need To Be a Girl is written by a the parent of a teenaged son who soon became a teenaged daughter. The author, Just Evelyn, is a friend that I

met at the second International Conference on Transgender Law and Employment Policy in 1993. Evelyn had called me several months prior, seeking legal advice for dealing with her teenaged transgendered. As I told her then, she was welcome to the conference, but at that time we were timid about dealing with anyone under eighteen. You just never knew what the fanatic, religious right, conservatives would do, so we mostly told them to call us back when they became eighteen years old. That was 1993.

Evelyn's book, just released this month, will certainly be a good guide for parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and cousins who love and recognize that their family member is, at age eight or ten, twelve or fourteen, and has been socially trapped in the wrong gender role. There is a lot of love in this book. And there is a lot of searching and soul searching as well. I do not understand why family members feel guilty when they learn

of a loved one being transgendered, but they often do, and this book will certainly help in that area as well.

One of the things that I admire so about Evelyn is that she is not afraid to sound-off at those in the so-called "helping professional" area who do not really help, but charge a fee to transgender clients who then educate those professionals or serve as research data and are provided little actual help. Evelyn blasts several. She also takes the reader step by step through all of the challenges, including school, restrooms and gym class. She also has a good list of references in the back.

The last time I visited with Evelyn was while I was in San Diego for a conference. Just because Evelyn's daughter has grown up and gone on into the world of adulthood, does not mean that Evelyn has forgotten how to care. She still reaches out to assist community members who are deeply closeted and need someone to to talk to who is safe (from police and the toughs who might

assault them). She shares an extensive video library of talk shows and others where the TG issue has been expressed. She even has my appearance on the "Phil Donahue Show" from 1991.

I want to say now that I would not really want to change anything about my past life. Every cause had its effect, and if I changed anything, I'd not be legally, same-sex married to my wonderful Trish (silver anniversary is only two months from tomorrow), and I'd not have my wonderful son and his wife and

our grandchild. But I do know that if this book had come out in the mid 1960's and if my parents had read and understood (a real key, yes) it, maybe I would not have been so fearful when they discovered my crossdressing back in 1965. It was my high school senior year when my stash of womens underclothes was discovered. You could cut my parents' homophobia with dull knife: it permeated the air. I knew that I had to tell them it was just an experiment, for I feared that the truth would have caused me to become a homeless youth and on the street at 17.

I hope that you will purchase and use Evelyn's book. Send it to any parent who is having trouble. Send it to PFLAG Chapters so maybe they will see that TG work belongs in their mission statement as well. It is a very good tool. Send $10 (inclusive of tax and s/h) to Just Evelyn, 3707 Fifth Ave #413, San Diego, CA 92103, 1-800-666-8158, www.justevelyn.com. I hope that the mother of an FTM child writes a similar good book soon.

Have courage,

Phyllis Randolph Frye




Totally....

By Angela Bridgman

Returning Home

Since so many of us went to Washington, I decided to leave the job of writing an article about it to someone else, and write about my trip to Pennsylvania instead. I flew out of Louisville on Friday morning, into Baltimore, and rented a car there. It is a nice, pleasant 2 1/2 hour drive from there to Allentown. Hopefully, next year, Southwest will begin flying directly into Allentown, but not yet.

For me, the trip was like coming home. I almost stayed in Pennsylvania, and I had so much fun I began to wonder why I had left. Then I remembered....because I like to eat! I couldn't find a job in Allentown. Ironically enough, as soon as I got back to Louisville, a temp agency I had been working with in Allentown sent me a letter about a possible job. I don't think I'll take it, though, since I am not guaranteed a permanent position with it. If I was, though, it might be a different story.

Seeing old friends again hurts, and feels really good, at the same time. I was staying at a friend's house. Coleen was nice enough to tell me when I left town that if I was ever visiting, and needed a place to stay, I was more than welcome to stay over at her place. I took her up on that offer. All of my old friends were amazed at how much I had changed...and not physically, either. All of them said the same things, that I had never liked myself before, that I was never happy, that I was always down on myself, and that I never smiled. They told me my personality had changed 180 degrees from what it had been. My old girlfriend, Amy, who I had been seeing six years ago (she took my innocence, by the way!) did not know about my gender transition until Coleen told her, two days before I arrived in town. I did not know that Amy would even be there. She was amazed. She told me that when she heard about it, she had thought there was no way I could make a good-looking woman. She told me, after seeing me, that I was pretty good-looking. She also told me that if she had known six years ago how to make things better for me, she would have slapped a dress on me, and had done with it. Turns out, she would have been totally accepting of my transgenderism, and I didn't know that six years ago! I'm still kicking myself over that one! How different would my life had been, if I'd found the courage, six years ago, to tell Amy of my desires to dress, and live, as a woman, and maybe even to become one? I can only speculate. Would I have transitioned? Would I have been able to do that to her? Would she have been able to live with me, after I had? I am not sure, but it would seem indicated that she might well have done so. Amy is the only girl who could have ever made me not transition. I suspect that if I had told Amy, six years ago, and I knew then what I know now, that I would probably have married her, worked as a man, and lived the rest of my life as a woman. Amy would have accepted that...she as much as told me so! I think I might have been able to be happy with that, but I'll never know for sure. However, we are the best of girlfriends, now, and so, maybe it is better this way! At least, whenever I get back to Allentown, I have a girlfriend to go out whoring with!

Anyway, Amy did my makeup before we went out on Saturday night. She wanted to do it, and so I let her. It was great! The one girl I had thought would not accept, and here she is, doing my makeup!! I loved it! She was borrowing one of my dresses, and my shoes, when I took her out to the place I used to go for karaoke, about twice a week. I "popped" her "karaoke cherry". Then, I asked her that if she ever thought that when I popped her cherry, that she would be borrowing one of my dresses. Saturday was a great night, and I really wanted to stay!

Friday night was also a lot of fun. I got into Allentown Friday afternoon, and picked up a key to Coleen's place. Then, off to New Jersey I went, to meet a friend of mine, with whom I had been conversing for about six months, on the Internet. Sheri Morphis, like me, is an incest survivor, and that was what initially brought us together. She is a totally wonderful person, and I am so glad to have met her. We had dinner at the King Buffet, in Clinton, New Jersey, where I had eaten before. It is a Chinese-American all-you-can-eat buffet. Over dinner, we traded lives, and talked a lot of girl talk. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed myself a lot. She gave me a little necklace, as a symbol of our friendship, which I though was really nice. I hope to get back up to New Jersey again soon, so that I can see her again.

After dinner, I went up to Edison, New Jersey, to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, with my former cast, Translucent Dreams. I had a blast there, too. After the movie we all went out, as usual, to a local diner, to terrorize all the normal people. There, I traded lives, and phone numbers with a lot of old friends, whose addresses and stuff I had lost. Then it was off back to Allentown. I didn't get in until 4:30 in the morning.

Over these two days, I had more fun, and less sleep than I thought possible. I had more fun than a girl should be allowed to have. But, still...leaving here would be hard now, too! I have lots of friends, and many fun things here, too! God, I wish I could live in two places at the same time.....ah, heck, why wish to God for that?? He wouldn't make me a girl when I asked for that either.....

Until next month, Hugs!

Angela

Catch The Transgendered Comedy Of

Angelika!

At The Famous

Comedy Caravan

Mid City Mall

Bardstown Rd.

Louisville, KY.

May 12th