At the ripe old age of 17 years I decided to join the Army. They would surely cure me of the curse of being feminine, of liking feminine things, of wanting something I believed I could never have. They would cure me or kill me, which was fine with me.
I volunteered for the Army. I volunteered for the Airborne, and I volunteered for everything I could after that. I denied everything feminine. I denied myself of all pleasure. I almost never left the base. The men around me found nothing in me to give my secret away, though they knew something was wrong. I was too dedicated. As my sergeant once said, I was too bottled up and would probably explode one day.
I learned from the Army everything I could learn: self sufficiency, self worth, how to survive under any and every circumstance. All my mental ability was focused on being a super soldier.
I finally ended up in a very elite unit. When I arrived I was told that in this unit you didn't have to prove anything to anybody--the fact that you were in this unit said it all. It is a very ego expanding thing to be put above all others, but while everyone else walked around like they were something special, I felt empty and hollow inside. I felt like I was falling into a black pit and nothing could save me. I felt lost and worthless.
Most everyone who reaches this level in the military makes a career of it. By the time my enlistment was up I was so miserable that I just wanted to crawl away and disappear. My friends tried to talk me into staying in, but to no avail. I left the Army.
When I arrived home (I had never once come home on leave) I shunned everyone who I had known. I withdrew into myself, I talked to nobody. This led to many rumors about me; everyone wondered what had happened in the Army that had done this to me. Of course the answer I gave them was "nothing happened, I just want to be left alone." This only added to the mystery.
After being back home about three weeks, I went to see my old girl friend. She was living on her own and when I found her apartment she was just leaving to go to work. She invited me to stay at her place until she got back and I accepted.
She had a small apartment and I went in and lay on the bed and just stared at the walls. Then I noticed her closet was open. I could see a dress hanging there. I didn't have the urge to try it on--I was too empty and miserable for any such urge. I had not dressed in years. I stared at that dress and tried to remember what it had been like to wear a dress. I wondered if it would feel the same as it had. There was no compulsion to put it on, just curiosity; after all, I was cured. I got up and tried it on and in an instant, in a flash of brilliant light, my life suddenly came back to me! I stopped falling. I was now no longer empty. I didn't understand it, but I knew that femininity was somehow a part of my nature and I could not deny it. Whether I wear feminine clothes or not , there was something in me that needed nurturing and could not be denied. I resolved then and there that I would never deny it again. I would accept it and I would accept me.