Questions Women Ask When They Discover That Their Husbands Cross-dress


What is cross-dressing?

Cross-dressing means dressing in the clothing considered appropriate to the opposite sex. The compulsion to cross-dress has been present since the beginning of recorded history and was present in ancient mythology.


What is wrong with a man who cross-dresses?

He is expressing a part of his personality which he is unable to repress. This does not mean that he is sick, crazy or evil. Cross-dressing poses no threat to anyone. In fact, transgendered males were often highly respected in many Native American and non-european cultures.


Do many men cross-dress?

Some authorities make estimates of percentages, but this does not seem to serve any useful purpose. There is no way we can ever know how many males cross-dress secretly. However, given the number who are seeking help these days, the percentage is no doubt much larger than we ever expected.


What is the Cause?

We don't have the answer yet. Theories include genetics, pre-natal hormones, and environmental factors. No single cause has been proven. As with most "nature vs. nurture" issues, the answer is likely a combination of these factors. No one knows for sure.


Is is my Fault? If I were a better wife or lover, would he no longer need to do this?

He probably cross-dressed long before he knew you. He will probably cross-dress for the rest of his life, whether you remain together or not. You have not caused it, or failed in any way.


But doesn't it mean that I am inadequate or that our relationship is inadequate?

His cross-dressing makes no statement about you or the relationship that you two have. It is a quality peculiar to him alone. Cross-dressing is often cyclic in life, appearing to be independent of events.


Does that mean it might just go away?

For a while, yes. His need to express his femininity may give way to cycles of lessened interest or even denial, but cyclic things always return.


I know he could just stop if he really wanted to

Difficult as it may be to believe, he could not. You can be sure he has tried. He lives in constant fear of discovery and that he will be punished, ridiculed or humiliated. His greates fear is losing the love of those who are important to him.


Wouldn't more male hormones cure it?

No. It has been tried. When male hormones are administered, the need to cross-dress is unaffected, while other male behaviors and characteristics are intensified. The result may be significantly increased anxiety.


Can it be cured?

If by "cured" you mean, "can someone make him stop cross-dressing," the answer is "probably not." No medication or psychiatric intervention has been shown to make a cross-dresser stop cross-dressing.


But we are a religious family!

Good. That should help a lot. We don't know why we are born the unique individuals that we are. We just know that all people need love and acceptance and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Transgendered people are no different.


He doesn't seem effeminate

Cross-dressers seldom do in their male roles. He may even exaggerate his male qualities out of fear that someone might guess his secret.


Does this mean that he is homosexual?

No. It doesn't mean that at all. Most cross-dressing males are not attracted to men and commonly marry and father children. Most gay males do not cross-dress. Female impersonators, or "drag queens," are often gay, but cross-dress by choice and for theatric effect.


Won't our sons be confused about what it means to be male?

This has not been found to be the case. Males who cross-dress are often unremarkably masculine when they are with their children and friends. We have no record of a cross-dressing male who learned the behavior from his father.


Should the children be told?

This is a very personal family decision. It depends on the nature of his gender expression, the maturity of your children, and your and his comfort with going public. Cross-dressing that is part of his sexual life is, of course, no business of your children. However, if his gender expression is more social or spiritual, he may be greatly disturbed by deceiving your children and concealing his inner self from those he loves the most.

Small children have no inborn prejudices and adapt quickly, but cannot be expected to keep secrets from relatives and friends. Older or adult children are less likely to suffer the effects of societal intolerance, but may or may not be tolerant themselves. Adolescents probably feel the most vulnerable in learning the truth while their own sense of identity is in turmoil. Family counseling is often a good idea to explore options and reach a decision you both can live with.