A Journey to a Truer Identity

Transgendered persons talk about their lives and struggles

By Carrie Ferguson

Tennessean Staff Writer

8/24/98

Angela and Samantha Photo Credit: Freeman Ramsey, Tennessean Staff

Angela Bridman, right, admires Sassy, a dog belonging to 'Christina' left, at a Tennessee Vals Picnic


Springfield (TN) - Susan Brown rests her finely manicured hands on the kitchen table of her country home and begins, quietly, to tell the story of her life.

She has worked at a rock quarry for more than two decades, been married for 29 years, and raised two children. Quite unremarkable, really.

But what sets this 47-year-old woman apart from other women who work and raise children is that she is a man. Biologically at least.

Susan Brown will tell you, however, that in her heart and head, she is a woman. Has been for as long as she can remember.

Brown describes herself as "transgendered."

The definition offered by psychiatrists is this: A transgendered person identifies mentally with the opposite gender and wishes to live and be recognized socially as a member of the opposite sex. And like society at large, transgendered individuals can be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. It is estimated that one in 30,000 men and one in 100,000 women are transgendered.

To offer better understanding of this group usually only spoken of in whispers and off-color jokes, Brown and other Middle Tennessee trangenders - many of whom are members of a local and fast-growing support group called the Tennessee Vals - have consciously and firmly stepped out of the shadows to share their stories.

They say that public stance is being taken so others can understand that their desire to live as women goes beyond fetish and fantasy. They no longer want to be caricatures or thought primarily as freakish talk show guests.

"We're tired of job discrimination, physical harrasment and hate crimes," said Marisa Richmond, a Tennessee Vals founder and teacher who lives as a woman, but goes to work dressed as a man. "Like other civil rights groups, we want to stand up and say enough is enough."

Nationally, transgendered individuals are demanding to be noticed as well. Transgenders have their own political action committee, GenderPAC. The Transgender Law Conference has rallied behind statutes that have passed in 17 states allowing transsexuals, who have undergone surgical sex change, to change their gender identity on their driver's licenses, birth certificates and other papers.

The T-Vals, whose name is a play on the words "gals" and "Vols," also serves as a support group for cross-dressers , men and women who do not desire to switch gender but simply enjoy dressing up as the opposite sex.

Also, in the 6-year-old group are wives, husbands, children, friends and mental health professionals who offer counseling. Their ages have ranged from late teens to 70s. At the last monthly meeting, 36 people showed up. Meeting topics have covered everything from skin care to self-defense to telling the family.

According to Jennileigh Love, a 28-year-old environmental engineer and T-Vals board chair, the popularity of the Internet and the path paved by an older generation of transgendered individuals have made it easier for young transgenders to step forward and be themselves in public.

Susan BrownSusan Brown(Photography by the Tennessean)

"There's more of us out here than you think," Brown says, smiling.

As a young man, Brown searched library books and encylcopedias seeking a definition for feelings she didn't understand.

"From the time I was 5 or 6, I knew I was different. I didn't know what it was. I just knew I wanted to be a girl," Brown said.

It wasn't until she heard of soldier George Jorgenson, who underwent a public transformation in the 1950s that Brown learned she wasn't alone in the innate feeling that she was born in the wrong body.

By the age of 16 she was going out as "Susan."

"I would go to Nashville as Susan. Go on vacation, to picture shows, out to eat," she said, handing over pictures taken in 1978 of her dressed as Susan standing in front of the Parthenon.

Brown also brings forth a family portrait. Smiling for the camera are two children, a wife and husband. He is a serious-faced man with short, graying hair who looks little like the casual blonde woman sitting across the table telling the story.

"That was me," she said of the man in the tie.

Brown did try many times to give up crossdressing: she threw clothes away, ignored the desire. But the clothes were more than window dressing. They were the "only link I had to femininity, to feeling and looking how I felt."

Brown's wife tolerated the cross-dressing. The cross-dressing was an issue that strained the marriage. The couple attended counseling, separated early in the marriage, but got back together. A counselor told them Brown wasn't going to change - the husband was psychologically a female. Brown's wife thought it would all go away.

It didn't.

Three years ago. Brown began to take the hormone estrogen to feminize her body, and a testosterone blocker. She began the gradual transformation by letting her hair and nails grow long, by wearing makeup more frequently. Few co-workers at the rock quarry said anything about the change, although some have made good-natured jokes. She was reassigned to different duties.

In time, the estrogen made Brown's breasts grow and penis shrink. She has had surgury to reduce the size of her Adam's apple and brow and smooth her facial skin. Facial and body hair changed - hair on Brown's back went away.

Soon, Brown plans to undergo what surgeons call "gender reassignment surgury" in Canada. A surgeon will reconfigure Brown's male genitals to resemble females genitals. It will cost about $7,000. Prices can go as high as $100,000 for more compicated and extensive surguries.

"I'm not afraid," she said. "It will be a relief."

Susan Grant, 43, a computer specialist married for 26 years is about to begin hormone therapy. A few months ago, Grant told her co-workers she is transgendered and began to wear women's clothing to work.

"I finally decided it's not what others think, it is what I feel," said Grant, a father and a grandfather. "I probably make an ugly woman, but that isn't what it is about."

Grant does not want a divorce. She wants to stay married, but the wife isn't sure yet.

For Brown, gaining the body she believes she will inhabit more comfortably has meant losing a spouse. The Browns have been separated for a year and are in the process of getting a divorce.

"My wife was distant, angry; she didn't marry a woman," Brown said. "She could handle it as long as I was just cross-dressing. But once you start taking hormones, the man leaves."

"I'm losing someone I loved. She's losing someone she loved."

Brown's 22-year-old son, William, who lives with Brown, prefers not to deal with the dramatic change in Brown's life and looks. William Brown as known for years that his motorcycle -loving father wore women's clothing. There's nothing really to say, according to William Brown.

But Brown's 15-year-old daughter had plenty to say. She is angry and sad. Her mother, who declined to be quoted, asked that the child's name not be used in this article.

"I want my dad," the daughter said firmly. "I don't have a dad. I think my life is a soap opera and I need a commercial."

"Susan took away my father."

There is sadness and pain in Brown's eyes too, when she talks about her family and the emotional struggle each has encountered. She says she has suffered from depression and hurt. She cries often.

"I have always been a good husband. I've been a good daddy. I always come home to my family. I'm still their father and I always will be," she said.

Despite the heavy heart, Brown moves forward as Susan. She can think of no other way to live, no other person to be.

"I feel I'm on a crusade, like an outreach person," she said. "We're normal in our feelings, in our thinking. We just want to have normal relationships but instead we are outcast."


 

To learn more

For more information on the Tennessee Vals, call 664-6883 or look on the World Wide Web at http://www.3dcom.com/tg/tvals/

The 8th annual Southern Comfort Conference on transgender issues will be Sept. 30-Oct. 4 in Atlanta. For more information call (404) 633-6470 or send e-mail to info@sccatl.org.

 


 

Glossary of Transgender Terms

 

Editors Note:

The Tennessean is identifying the biologically male individuals in this story as females because that is the gender they identify with and live as. They call themselves "transgendered."

Some terms used in this story:

Transgender: a person who identifies or believes himself or herself to be a person of the opposite gender. Some transgendered individuals prefer, however, to think of themselves as a third gender.

Transsexual: often used interchangably with transgender, but also refers to someone who has had gender reassignment surgery, or a sex-change operation.

Cross-dresser: the term used to refer to a person of either gender who dresses as a person of the opposite gender and may or may not consider themselves transgendered.

 


Legal issues and gender

The state of Tennessee does not allow anyone to change gender identification on a birth certificate.

Tennessee does allow a transsexual person to change the gender designation on the driver's license if documentation from a medical doctor is provided.

When it comes to marriage, if two people are married and then one changes gender, the marriage is still legal. There is no automatic divorce.

In the eyes of the state, the marriage is still between a man and a woman.

The Davidson County Clerk's office asks to see a Social Security number before it issues a marriage license. A Tennessee driver's license, which includes the person's Social Security number, often is enough proof, the clerk's office said.


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