I would like to thank the Board and Planning Committee of Southern Comfort for inviting me to speak with you and share some of my thoughts with you for a few minutes today.
Back in May 1994, one day before I drove over to Asheville, North Carolina for a meeting organized by Holly Boswell with several other leaders from southeastern groups, I had an initial phone conversation with a person isolated from the rest of the gender community in a small college town about 75 miles east of Nashville. When I got to Asheville the next day, we went around the table talking about our respective groups. When it came to be my turn, among the things I said was that the Vals had plenty of talkers, but we needed more doers. I had no idea that just 24 hours earlier, that voice from Cookeville, Tennessee would prove to be one incredible doer.
I know that Southern Comfort is the product of months of hard work by several dedicated volunteers, but seeing all that Jenni has done these past four years with the Vals and here at Southen Comfort for the past year has been a real inspiration to me. It has shown me that all the manure I have spread around over the years really has produced something beautiful.
Two years ago, Jenni made a home video of the 1996 Southern Comfort Convention. She gave me a copy. When I took it home and watched it, there was one thing that struck me: the number of people visible in virtually every scene who looked absolutely miserable. Every year, over 300 of us congregate here in Atlanta to socialize and learn from one another. Many of us have faced judgment and hostility from others, and yet when given the opportunity to express ourselves and learn what we need to be where we want to be, many continue to be unhappy. I suspect that if you look around right now, you might be able to identify at least one person at your table who is not happy or comfortable. Seeing this, led me to ask, Why? Perhaps we in this thing we call the gender community are not doing enough to make people feel good about themselves. At my speech at that same Southern Comfort in 96, I challenged all to get involved and give back to others in the spirit of that summer's Olympics. But in seeing all those frowning and scowling faces, I had to conclude we are not doing enough. Granted some people go through life feeling miserable and there is little others can do for them. We have all undoubtedly met someone like that. Nonetheless, I concluded after watching that video that much more needed to be done.
We come from a diverse set of backgrounds, and we can learn much from one another due to our diversity. Each of us is proud of our heritage, as I am obviously quite proud of my own, and yet many still feel ashamed of admitting who we are even when we are here among others like ourselves.
Last year, another experience at Southern Comfort also taught me a much needed lesson on the position many of us assume as role models within this community. I was having my usual good time during the convention as I got up early each morning around noon and continued to interact with people throughout the day. I got a chance to meet a number of new people from various locations, backgrounds, and philosophical perspectives. Although there was no way I could meet with, and talk to, everyone here, I did enjoy meeting with all whom I encountered. On the final night of the convention, after the banquet had concluded, I was over at The Otherside. At one point I went up to the bar to get another round of cocktails. When I did so, one person who I knew from Tennessee was sitting there and suddenly asked me why I was being so cold to her. She wanted to know what she had done to upset me so she would never do it again since she said she looked up to me. Well, I was stunned and embarrassed. She had done nothing to upset me, but in bumping around, I guess I had just not gone out of my way to be friendly. I got active in this community to help people--not hurt them. It is easy to forget that when we assume visibility as role models, we can sometimes hurt the ones we least intend to. I certainly learned that last year.
When I got home, I kept thinking about her words. I have always considered myself shy and over the years, many people in my life have often told me how quiet I am. I realized, however, that I have accepted a position within this community as a role model. And being a role model requires more of an effort to be outgoing and friendly, especially in the gender community where we often have few others in our personal lives who accept us as we are.
The following weekend happened to be the monthly meeting of the Vals. It was my first interaction with others in the gender community since that evening. While I never considered myself cold, I knew that the perception of others that I might be cold was important. It is never easy to look inside one's self, and especially to bare one's soul before peers, but doing so can help make us better people, so I felt it necessary to use that meeting for the purpose of sharing my inner self. I have some slides showing me from that night as I opened up and confronted the accusation that I might be cold, and I would like to share that events of that evening with you, just seven days after being told I was cold.
So here I am showing the inner me and showing just how warm I can truly be.
Here is another of me showing my warm, fuzzy side.
And finally, one more. So I'll let you be the judge: Do you think I am cold?
You know, when I was putting these slides together, I realized that this is probably the first time many of you have seen my real hair.
Sometimes when I think about this entity called the Gender community, I am often reminded of that animal called the Push-me, Pull-you. We are a common body with different minds of where we want to go and how we want to get there. We who have been designated leaders, or who have assumed that role voluntarily, have been known to disagree with one another on focus or tactics, but we do all share a common desire to end discrimination in order to make life easier not just for all of us today, but for the generations to come. But as we strive to achieve admittedly important goals, I have learned that it is also easy to forget our place as role models for others who are just trying to gain confidence in themselves.
When we go home on Sunday, I hope each and every person takes with them a desire to do more for others. Many people have worked hard and dedicated many hours of their busy lives to make this weekend special for all of us. I would especially like to recognize Beverly. Last year, she was a scared newcomer to the community. This year, she organized a wonderful reception for other newcomers to help them feel welcome. Beverly has touched my heart. And those of us who work in local or national support groups usually do so for love, not compensation. For many of us, it is not always about the Benjamins. That is not a criticism of those whose livelihood is centered on this community because we all have to survive in this world, and the various service providers are just as important a segment of this community as any other. For me in particular, there is no greater compensation that seeing people give back to others some way. But as we do so, it is also important to realize that others may not see you as you see yourself. The things you feel are important may not be so important to that person who is making their first tentative steps out of the closet to join this community. Being there for others has been an emotionally rewarding experience for me while being an eye-opening experience as well. I would not trade my efforts on behalf of the Vals, AEGIS, or Southern Comfort for anything because I think it has made me a better and more responsible person. I have certainly made mistakes and missteps along the way as I learned a year ago, but I believe I have learned from them.
Comedian Rodney Dangerfield once said he did not ask for very much. All he wanted was one of these--(OK sign). While it would be nice to have one of these (OK sign), I would like to ask each and every one of you to find some way of giving back to others. Many of us already do so, but many of you have yet to. All those who are there for you once had somebody else there to support and encourage them. Some are lucky enough to have a family member, while others had to find that support initially in this bigger family we call the Gender community. I found mine in the drag bars of Washington, DC and eventually in the first support group I joined, TGEA. While some have challenged defining ourselves as a community because we are so diverse, it is important to remember that every other group that has faced hostility and discrimination and rejection is also diverse and yet recognizes their existence as a community. We each have some talent we can bring to bear on behalf of this community. You know your strengths--find a way to apply them. But above all, I hope each and every person here goes home with a smile on their face because they have acheived a renewed sense of self and purpose. Smiling can be infectious and can go a long way towards helping others.
Being responsible is not a burden. It is quite fun and emotionally rewarding when you realize that you can not only touch lives, but in some cases, save them. Years ago, I was inspired by others and I realized that I could contribute in my own way and do things for others. I certainly do not try to do it all as anyone who knows me has seen. Sooner or later, I hope each person here will come to that same realization. Find a way in which you can get involved. Try not to be cold, although to be honest, you cannot worry too much about that sort of thing, but certainly be a doer. Be a role model, because the person who is inspired by you might well become a leader of a group or maybe even run this or another convention someday.
Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to share a few minutes with you. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of this very special weekend. Thank you.