New This Month |
Upcoming Events
September 12: Patty Bowers, Skin Care
October 10: 4th Annual Halloween Party
November 14: Dr. Bill Turner, Lesbian & Gay Coalition for Justice
December 12: 6th Annual Anniversary/Holiday Party
Future Board Meetings: September 24, October 22, November 19
Tennessee Vals Special Events:
Saturday, October 3: Reception, Southern Comfort, Atlanta
Sunday, November 8: Bus trip to Casino, Metropolis, IL
Tuesday, December 29: Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo, TPAC
Last month's newsletter contained a short item about our meeting with staffers from The Tennessean. We were pleased to be invited along with other activists from Nashville's Gay & Lesbian community to meet with the paper's staff about their coverage of GLBT issues. In the past, they have done some excellent articles, and others that were downright insulting, but their willingness to talk is a good sign. I am optimistic that we will see better writing and more balanced coverage. They even said they were willing to print GLBT commitment/union notices, but were not aware of ever having received any. So if you and your partner, regardless of gender, are planning such an event, send it to them. If they start printing such announcements, it makes it harder for the religious right to deny our existence and the stability of our relationships.
In July, Angela Gardner of Renaissance wrote an interesting article called "Great Expectations." She remarked that many transies have high, almost unrealistic, expectations of what they will find in a support group. While I have never heard anybody tell me they were expecting satin sheets or red flocked wall paper at the meeting site, we have heard from several over the years who claim they hope they can emulate and learn from us "lovely ladies." I should state that since we are an open group, we do have F2M members, so not all are "ladies." Furthermore, lovely is in the eye of the beholder. As Angela pointed out, however, the important thing is that, regardless of numbers or looks, people are there. As regular readers of my column should have noticed by now, I write about feeling good, not looking good. I certainly realize that for many, both in the gender community and out, that looking good is often a first step to feeling good. I am certainly guilty of trying to look my best. I saw my first drag show in 1977 at a now defunct nightclub here in Nashville called The Other Side. As I sat there quietly downing my cocktails and watching the show while in male drab, soda bottle lenses, and 5 o'clock shadow (well, more like 3 am shadow...), I remember being mesmerized by the beauty of the performers. I wanted to go up to them and beg to be helped, but I was too shy to do so. Over the years, however, I have made the image in the mirror match more closely the image in my mind. As with many others, I can think of things to change, but the point is, I eventually found the strength to push myself. Some support groups are better run than others, but in the end, it is the willingness of the individual to push themselves that will allow a person to achieve their goals. So get out and meet people. I'm no Black Magic Woman, so don't expect any miracles, but I guarantee the rest will take care of itself. Believe me when I say that reality is much better than fantasy, but ya gotta admit that satin sheets and red flocked wallpaper do sound intriguing.
I also recently received a letter from Veronica Smith of ETVC. We have been corresponding on our respective outings last Halloween as Cruella DeVil (great minds sure do think alike!), but she also commented on a couple of remarks I made in my column. She noted that ETVC is recovering from its recent financial problems on which I reported, as well as echoing the concerns I raised in April about all those who whine, moan or complain about a group but will not lift a finger themselves to help. Since ETVC is the nation's largest group, it is not surprising that they would have the same problem that everyone else does. What I cannot understand is what leads some individuals to be that way. I guess I was raised with the philosophy "if you want something done, be prepared to do it yourself--otherwise, keep your mouth shut." Others would rather complain constantly and do no work. It is comforting to know that no one group, or region of the country, has a monopoly on whiners.
The end of this month marks the annual Southern Comfort Convention. This will be my sixth consecutive year there, and it goes without saying that I always have fun. Last year's was called by many (myself included) as the best one ever. Jenni and Stephanie Schumacher will have a hard time meeting everyone's Great Expectations, but I have confidence in them. I am also looking forward to celebrating my annual 29th Birthday there, however, I feel it is necessary to squelch one popular rumor right now. The party is not being sponsored by Ensure, Geritol, or Grecian Formula. I will have a trip report in the November newsletter.
While I will not be driving to Atlanta until September 30, that does not mean we are all just sitting around here doing nothing. This past month alone, Jenni visited Salt Lake City (a.k.a. Sodom of the Salt Flats) while I ran up to our Nation's Capitol for a few days, a city which, due to its importance, cannot possibly have anything illegal or immoral ever happen there....
I arrived one day before the $295 million Powerball drawing. I was in D.C. in May when Powerball was $190 million. Not counting four previous visits to Nevada, I had never played a lottery before, but figuring it was only a dollar, I gave it a shot. Not one of my numbers was pulled. I chalked it up to a lesson well learned. This time, with the prize even bigger, I figured another dollar wouldn't hurt. Again, not one of my numbers was pulled. Sometimes, I think I need to find somebody to tie me down and spank me....
Anyway, I got together with a couple of friends while I was there. One was about to leave for Amsterdam to participate in the Gay Games (can you say jealous?), so we only had lunch together. The other went with me to see a WNBA game between the Washington Mystics and the Los Angeles Sparks. Both teams looked pretty pathetic--they shot a combined 41% from the floor and the Sparks' coach was fired just two days later. Maybe that little know-it-all girl in the Nike ads should have been instructing players from both teams and not just Lisa Leslie. Of course, I've seen plenty of male players who could not hit the broad side of barn either. What was most significant is that there were 14,000+ at the MCI Center that night. To me, this shows that people are increasingly willing to reject the notion that sports has to be strictly masculine interest or endeavor. The players may not be transgendered, but they are going a long way towards demolishing gender lines and outmoded stereotypes. That is why I now have season tickets to see the new Nashville Noise of the ABL. Look for me in the "honey shots" on Fox Sports Net. I just hope the Noise can actually hit their shots.
Then that Saturday, I visited TGEA, the support group I joined in 1990. It was wonderful seeing so many old friends again, and I was quite pleased to see how well things were going for them. I was a bit taken aback, however, when one person, Yvonne, looked at me and said "I recognize you!" and knew my name. It seems she had seen my website. It is nice to know that people are actually reading what I write and remember it, but now that I think about it, Yvonne never actually said if she liked it. After the meeting, I went down to Ziegfeld's, the nightclub in which I truly first came out in 1989. While only one person from the group, Cynthia, whom I had met previously at Southern Comfort, went with me to the club, it was a fun evening. For those who, like me, get to travel a lot, you should always make an effort to get out and meet others in the local support group or in the bars. The transgender community knows no borders.
Hotlanta here I come!
The South's Gonna Do It Again
Well folks, it's September, and it's time for my obligatory plug of the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta, from September 30-October 4. This will be my fourth Southern Comfort, and I have always mentioned the conference in previous years in my column. However, this year will be special because I am serving as the Co-Chair of the conference. Last October after the conference was over, I was at The Otherside congratulating Terry Murphy (last year's chair) on another fine conference. She then asked me if I wanted to help steer the one for next year. My co-chair, Stephanie Schumacher, and I conferred the next morning, going through the usual disbelief that we were asked to do this. We decided It's Now or Never and agreed to give it our best shot.
It's been a long time planning and a lot of work has gone into it. I think this year we have assembled a fantastic conference for everyone. This year's programming is more diverse than ever. We have assembled more programs by and for FTM transgenders than ever before. We're also welcoming some fantastic speakers from the University of Michigan's Comprehensive Gender Services Program. We also thoroughly cover other important transgender issues such as sexuality, health maintenance, exploitation, religion, "coming out", youth and aging. For your entertainment, we proudly bring back the yearly Southern Comfort Talent Show on Friday night, which is always a fantastic event. Southern Comfort will also hold its first Men's Night Out, an outing for all transmen (and ladies are also welcome of course). Due to popular demand, we will be returning for dinner at Agatha's and the Atlanta Hard Rock Café. We also have daytrip excursions planned to the World of Coca-Cola, the CNN Center and the Atlanta Botanical Gardens, and various shopping trips. Saturday night we have planned to do something different, holding "The Prom that Never Was", complete with music, dancing, and a date auction in cooperation with the Atlanta Gay Men's Chorus. If you have any questions about the conference, email me at jlove1@ix.netcom.com, or check out our web site at www.sccatl.org. We have secure online registration for the conference available on the web page for your convenience.
To steal a phrase from Charlie Daniels, "Be proud to be a trannie 'cause the South's gonna do it again!" I'll see you in Atlanta!
Mormon Murmurings
Last July I traveled on business to the State of Utah. It was my first trip to the Beehive State. I spend most of my time in Salt Lake City in a hotel conference room, but I did manage to get out a bit. Besides, it's just not a trip unless I go out somewhere dressed femme.
Salt Lake City isn't exactly known for its wild nightlife. Of course, it is the headquarters of the Church of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons). I did get a chance to take a tour of all the church grounds and the Beehive House (where Brigham Young lived). Salt Lake City will also host the Winter Olympics in 2002 and the city was already gearing up for the event. With its position along the Wasatch Mountain front the city has great access to the slopes. I must admit that I would love to return sometime in winter months to ski myself. Keep in mind though, "wasatch" is a Native American Word meaning "white man stupid for building city in desert."
Being a bit of a sports fan, I wandered over to the Delta Center during my first night in Salt Lake to see the WNBA's Utah Starzz play the Detroit Shock. This was the first women's pro basketball game I have ever seen, although I do look forward to seeing the ABL Nashville Noise play this fall here in town. The Starzz have a very unique player in Margo Dydek, a 7'2" guard from Poland. For all you girls out there who think you are too tall to ever "pass" as a woman, just look up in awe at Margo. I am also convinced that I was the only person who was drinking beer in the Delta Center that night.
I had intended to at least check out one gay bar when I was in town, but after examining a copy of Salt Lake's gay paper, The Pillar, I was disappointed to see that the nearest listed bar only had "gay night" on Fridays. I was also amused by the archaic local drinking laws that required someone to become a "member" of any bar before you could go in. Forgoing any alcohol consumption (it must have been the Mormons influencing me), I instead settled for a shopping trip, and took a nice stroll en femme through Temple Square. I hope I didn't frighten then too badly!
Rock'N'Roll High School
This year also brought another milestone in my life. I'm going to age myself now, and some of you may hate me. My 10-Year High School Reunion was this year and I wasn't about to miss it. Regrettably, I did not go dressed femme. I had to stay with my parents to attend the meeting, and they are still not keen on the whole gender thing. So I went as your generic long-haired pony-tailed gender-non specific person. I really didn't know what to expect having lost touch with mos t of my high school classmates.
Luckily it was a relatively fun affair. Most of the crowd I hung around with in high school was the artsy, Bohemian crowd. I took art classes and drama and even attended the Governor's School of the Arts back in 1987. Luckily several of the art crowd showed up and were as Bohemian as ever. One guy had hair down to his belt and another proudly wore a hoop ring in his ear. Most of the art crew still had the same open minds as they always did. Of course everyone there was fairly friendly, most of the bad apples from school not bothering to even show up. There were people there that were my classmates all the way back to elementary school and it was kind of nice to see them. There were no big scandals and no huge success stories, no lesbian lovers or transsexual debutantes (at least not yet). I did "out" myself to an old girlfriend of mine, who took it all nicely and didn't have a problem with my gender explorations. I also found out that an old quiz bowl teammate of mine was "out" and gay. I should have known. He always answered the questions about Tennessee Williams and Alexander the Great!
Now, I simply must find a nice cocktail dress to wear to the 15-year reunion!
I like bumper stickers. They're probably one of the last strongholds of free speech we have left that have not been skewered by political correctness. You can be as obnoxious as you want, offend whomever you want, and do it all from the ass-end of your car. What a concept-what a country.
Bumper stickers seem to come in categories according to activities and/or taste (or the lack thereof.) The most popular seem to be sports related. It doesn't matter where you live, die hard
fans of any organized sport let you know who they are. This is applicable for both college and professional teams. The next most popular kind are the " I ___________" (Fill in the blank with anything you care to) kind. Any kind of sport, activity, animal, style of music, or art, or artist, or town/city/state/country location. Basically, anything a person can and doesn't mind talking about in public. Probably the next most popular category of bumper stickers are what I like to refer to as the Bubba Stickers. We've all seen these. God, Guns, and Guts.; I Will Never Give Up My NRA Membership, and of course the ubiquitous Rebel Flag license plate or sticker. To these guys, this stuff is classical literature. There is also another kind you don't see that much of anymore; remember the old Honk If You.______ stickers ( Insert anything you want in the blank)? This is sort of in the same category as the stickers..
I should add at this point that my car is not totally devoid of any kind of self expression. I've got a rainbow Mickey Mouse sticker I put in one of the windows. This is more a comment about the self righteous stupidity of a major Christian denomination than anything else. I don't mind when people comment about it, because it gives me a chance to express my humble opinion, in my characteristically benign, subtle way. I also have another sticker that gets some attention - Guano Happens. If you're a caver, you know what this means. This is sort of a second cousin to the You Know What happens stickers.
Being a fan of bumper sticker has made me wonder why there aren't more gender related ones. Because there are so many of us around, there is a ready made market for them. We've all seen the pink triangle stickers, or the equality stickers, or the gay pride stickers. Granted, they are family oriented, but they are not transgendered specific. So, with this in mind, I would like to offer some suggestions for TG bumper stickers I would like to see.
Honk If You Love Drag
Honk If You're In Drag
God, Guns, and Diversity Made America Great
Dad Is Prettier Than Mom
RuPaul For President
I will give up my make-up case when they pry my cold dead fingers from around it
SRS Happens
My Mom Can Tie A Windsor Knot, and Your Dad Can't
I Crossdressed At A Baptist Youth Rally
My Mom Hunts
Hey, Bubba, I lost more in surgery than you'll ever have
I only look this way because I want to
Out Of The Closet, Into the Streets
Shop Till You Find Something That Fits
My Triangle's Not The Only Thing That's Pink
Plus Sizes Appear Smaller After 5 Cocktails
I Paid Good Money To Look This Way-What's Your Problem?
This Car Is Protected By A 6'4", 210 Pound Person On Hormones 5 Days A Week - You Guess The Days
Closets Are Not For People
Real Men Wear Heels
I'd Rather Be In Drag
I'd Rather Be The Opposite Gender
Take A Good Look - It's Not Halloween
Gender's On Board
...and my personal favorite...
My Hermaphrodite Can Beat Up Your Honor Student
These are only suggestions, of course, but there's a couple I wouldn't mind having. I already aggravate the neighbors enough as it is, I guess a little more won't hurt.
Until next time, girlfriends. See Ya!
Behind Green Eyes
By Mikey Casebeer
...Because Somebody's Gotta Write The Overworked Overfed Jerk's Column
So, where's Anne this month? Her alter-ego is always doing something other than cleaning my litter box, giving me my 9 Lives, or stroking my belly, the useless slob. She's probably out cutting the grass, guzzling Newcastle Brown Ales at TGI Friday's with Angela " Trollop" Bridgman and Amy McCorkle, dealing with the elderly couple who used to keep me fed, or renting porno movies to Religious Reich yahoos. Who knows? Who cares? You have me, after all, so please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a kitty of wealth and taste. I'm Mikey, the intelligent and sarcastic feline that allows that nonpassable slob Anne Casebeer to clean my litter box. Looks? I'm a hell of a lot better looking than that ugly bozo (if you ever saw that thing in male mode, you'd know why human beings crossdress ). I'm in 16-bit grayscale with stripes, postop (had my orchiectomy performed at Jefferson Hospital by Dr. Nightingale in 1990), and I'm blessed with a body that looks absolutely divine in elegant fur coats. Behind my demure little feminine voice, you will find the manners of a rattlesnake - just ask Pamela or Jenni, to whom I have rudely shown my hissing disapproval. Hey, I had to diss Pam, she wrote that article on transgendered pets, and got it all wrong - no self-respecting feline would dare lower themselves to attempt RLT as a dog. Why, I'd have to lose 50 points of IQ to do that! Chase Frisbees? I DON'T THINK SO! Anyway, I will claw, scratch, and bite if necessary to get what I want, give constant dirty looks, and if all else fails, I will even pee on your dirty laundry. I demand to be feted with only the finest Jackleg salmon, Atlantic Ave. whitefish, Prudhoe Bay crabmeat, and Gulf (Oil) shrimp; I sleep all day, party all night, I require my coif to be carefully groomed daily, I never lower myself to being seen publicly with other lesser cats, and I do my level best to obstruct the path of anyone who dares to ignore me. In short, I'm definitely transgendered.
Now, I've been watching Anne, and I think I have enough experience at mouse abuse to do this thing. It's really nothing, even a dumb human being knows what's on tap for this month already, it has to be the Official Tennessee Vals "You're Going To The Southern Comfort Conference With The Rest Of Us Cool Cats" issue. That's right boys and girls, we want YOU to join us in Atlanta on September 30. A threat? Well, no, but Anne, that useless waste of space, decided that all of you who don't go should be punished. At least, I'm going to blame it on her. The type of punishment to be inflicted was a difficult decision, knowing that many in the group actually enjoy punishment, but we decided that only one disciplinary method would do. Yes, the guilty will have to deal with me. In fact, I'll attack the ankles of anyone in the group who does not decide to go. I wonder if the mice and groundhogs I've tortured enjoyed it? I don't think so.....
Along with Anne the stout-guzzler, I'll be joining the mob that will undoubtedly be causing traffic jams on I-75 in Atlanta. Of course, as always, she's managed to overschedule herself. She's going to be attending a video convention in Atlantic City right after Southern Comfort, sandwiching some quarterly paperwork into the day in between. Plus, that guy isn't going to the video show this year....Anne is. Her stuff takes more space; the ugly dude can pack for a week with a gym bag. I must admit, she looks better in a black ladies' suit than any of the crummy blazers and ties that collect dust in the closet that I'm not allowed to go into. I wonder what all the foxy actresses and porno stars will think when she wants her picture taken with them....Anyway, back to the Southern Comfort Conference, and why you know you ought to be there (other than the claws in my contract that you will be subject to, my little pretties...). First of all, you're (disclaimer added at the request of the editor) almost guaranteed a good time. Do you want to party? I think that can be arranged, dears. Aiming towards transitioning, RLT, HRT, or SRS? You can talk to the doctors and professionals who can help you make that happen. Are you a ham? You can join Anne in making a fool of herself, something she's really good at doing, at the talent show Friday night. If you just like meeting cool people, that's on a lot of people's agendas - personally, I'm looking forward to attacking their dragging skirt hems as they walk by me. The shopping in Atlanta is marvelous, they even have a SuperPetz store, and major malls are just a few steps from the hotel. And, last but not least, I've heard that there is this human who calls herself Marisa Richmond who celebrates her 29th birthday at Southern Comfort every year. Now, I've been celebrating my 4th birthday for about 7 years now, and I've figured out how to do it right; I just eat lots of catnip and take a catnap, then if I don't remember the party, the birthday didn't happen. I guess that's kind of like what Marisa does. It has even been reported that reprehensibles, oops, representatives of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) will be giving a presentation. I just can't imagine how HRC figures that TG people aren't human when it comes to employment rights, and I know that Anne can't wait to let them know exactly what she thinks; I think I'll just meow and scratch their eyes out when they aren't looking. Hey, I'd really like the right to choose my owner, but d'ya think they'd help ME get my rights? No way. I'm just a lazy kitty, but if HRC doesn't wake up and become inclusive of all oppressed people in their campaign, they might prove to be as unworthy of human support as the Christian Coalition.
Of course, the threat of having me sic'd on you is an idle one. I just get tired of all those people wanting to stroke my fur, and I'd be scared that some redneck crossdresser would skin me to get a free stole. That does not mean you should be scared. Before you dismiss SCC out of hand, ask yourself why you can't make it. This is an experience that any transgendered person can and should have, whether you dress at the Vals' meeting place and change back afterwards, live 24/7 in your preferred gender, have completed SRS, or care about someone who is TG. Attending a gender conference, according to Anne, is a life-altering experience, and SCC is the best one of the year, with a variety of attendees that will guarantee that you meet people with wide perspectives on life and their place in the TG community. So, can I count on you to go? I'll be there, sitting on the bar next to the overweight Guinness-swilling trannie. I'll be the ravishingly lovely grey striped furry creature enjoying a dish of fine Kentucky homegrown 'nip. I'll just sit there on the bar or table, give offhand dirty looks to anyone who won't give me my unfair share of stroking, and claw anyone who tries to talk to me as if I were a baby human or a purple dinosaur. Gimme a break, I'm a cat, not a stupid dinosaur or inept infant human! Show some respect. And, as diverse as Southern Comfort is, I expect that I won't be the only transgendered feline who attends. I've been trying to convince Tabitha, Jenn's girl kitty, to sneak along, because I've been trading email with her while our humans are working and she seems cute. Maybe she'll go with me to the Chamber, where we can claw each other a bit, and use the human-o'nine tails on each other? Now, that could be fun.... But, just consider the psychic damage we'll do to the maids when they come to clean Anne's hotel room, and find 4 matching black 3" stilettos in size .5ZZ.....Meow!
Editor's Note: I tried to write an article myself, really I did, but every time I'd insert it, Mikey'd. get on the computer the next day, delete it, and reinsert his instead. Honest! I guess it'll have to wat for next month...unless that stupid cat writes again. Damn you, get your claws out of my leg, you vicious beast! Off! Off! - Anne
Anger: A Survivor's Story
What words would I use to describe myself? Survivor, certainly. Warrior? In a way, yes. Angry? You'd better believe it!
This is more than a survivor's story, I think. This is my way of healing something which has poisoned my very soul for 15 years. I have finally come to the realization that it was not my fault.
I am a survivor of incest. Incest is, I think, the worst form of rape. Let's face it, let's not put a pretty face on it, incest is rape, pure and simple! Rape of a different, and much more insidious form. In the case of incest, you know, and usually trust the person who then violates your trust, your body, and your soul.
Then, too, incest is NEVER a once and done thing. It happens over YEARS, and even after the acts cease, the rape continues, because your trust has been violated on the most elemental level. This is similar to what victims of date rape feel.
Unlike victims of date rape, however, one is made to feel that they must continue to have a working relationship with the person who has violated them. (O.K., I said I won't put a pretty face on it, the person who has raped them, body, mind, and soul). If the incest is still a secret, then the victim must have a working relationship to keep up the front. (We'll get to the fallacy of this thought later) If it is known, among family members, often, the entire family will take sides against the victim, and make them feel as though they must be silent, for the sake of the family's "face". While the incest is occurring, often, you are just enduring. Survival comes later. The warrior part comes in while the incest is occurring, but unfortunately, too many of us picked our own selves to do battle with, rather than our tormentor.
In my case, my tormentor was my brother, who was only 1½ years older than me. He didn't need to use any physical force whatsoever. He had a better way: blackmail. At the time this started, I was a nine-year-old boy. A nine-year-old boy with a unique (or so I thought at the time) condition. At that time, I knew nothing of transsexuals, or even crossdressers. I was sure I was the only boy in the world who had the desire, the NEED, to dress up in women's clothes. And my brother knew it. My brother, at the time, was eleven. He had just begun to get interested in girls, as most adolescent boys do. After his first "puppy love" broke, he turned to me, to replace what he was no longer getting. I didn't find out, until much later, that the "puppy love" was much more than it had seemed. My brother, and the girl in question lost their virginity together. "If you want to dress like a girl, then you have to act like a girl." So sayeth my brother. "Besides, you'd rather be a girl anyway, wouldn't you?" This was true, too, and he knew it. I didn't know it then, that it was not only possible, but in fact, a dream which I would eventually realize. Let me point out here, that for the most part, incest has NOTHING to do with being a girl. Too often, though, it is a part of a girl's life experience. Sometimes, it happens to boys, too.
I had often ended my prayers with "Please God, make me a girl. Amen." I kept hoping I would wake up in the morning to find that God had finally granted my wish. I'm sure my bother must have heard my prayers before, because he knew about it. He decided that he would "teach me to be a girl". "And if you ever tell," my brother threatened, "I'll tell Mom and Dad all about your dressing up, and I'll tell your all your friends, too." Well, that was as good as riveting my mouth shut. I certainly had no desire to be beaten up after school every day, which is exactly what I feared would happen, if word of my crossdressing got out, and so, I became a warrior.
My father was a traveling salesman, and often traveled two or three weeks straight, and so, was often gone. When he was around, he was usually drunk, and abused me physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally. He NEVER abused me sexually. Does anyone yet wonder why I feel the family is a failed American institution? Does anyone wonder yet, why I laugh when these right-wingers talk about family values? Where the hell were the family values when THIS was going on? Because my father was gone so often, and usually drunk when he was around, my brother had to assume the role of "man of the house". This caused him to grow up very fast, and caused me to view him almost as the father I never had. He did so well at this that he had everyone fooled. My mother would describe him as super-responsible. And, over the years, I came to associate many of the things he did for me as the things a father would do. That, of course, was before he started abusing me. He was, until then, the father I'd never had. In fact, I think now, that I never really had a father. I do owe some perverse thanks, though, to my biological father, which is exactly how I must describe him. He messed me up so bad, emotionally, that I was removed from school, and later, my home, sparing me years of continued rape at the hands of my brother, although, at that time, no one knew about it, except him, and me. At age eleven, I was placed in a residential school for "emotionally disturbed students", a euphemism for intelligent, incorrigible children. Because of this, my brother didn't "have at me" as often as he could have, as often as he WOULD have. The incest occurred when I was between the ages of nine and fourteen. I was in the school from the ages of eleven to fourteen. My brother would still "have at me" on my home visits. Needless to say, I never said a word about it. No wonder I would become "anxious and restless the week before any home visit", as my teachers and counselors at the school put it.
I think, at this point, I need to touch on the subjects of silence, and anger. If you are a victim of incest, do not be silent! Your silence will not protect you. In fact, your silence will only ensure that your tormentor will "have at you" again, and again! Anger is, I think, the most misunderstood emotion there is. There is value in anger. Anger is a survival mechanism. Anger occurs when one feels attacked, or invaded. Anger, therefore, is also a reaction, not necessarily an emotion. Many people seem to feel that, in order to heal from incest, or any other form of abuse, you must dump your anger. I beg to differ! You can have anger, as I do, as long as you don't allow it to consume you, or to rule (or ruin) your life. Anger keeps you wary, on your toes, to prevent being invaded or attacked again.
I suppressed memory of these incidents after they ceased, for 10 years. It all came back, shortly after I began therapy to begin my eventual transition into the woman I had always been. I had flashbacks. I know that people who have suppressed memory aren't crackpots. I know this from personal experience. The flashbacks were every bit as bad as the actual experiences. It felt as though it was happening all over again. That's where anger comes in. Anger, I think, is the first sign of healing. Thank God I had a supportive, and loving therapist to get me through all of this.
The worst part of it was when I finally found the courage to confront my brother with it, and later, when I found the courage to tell my parents what had happened. This was when I was 24. My brother had become a "born again" Christian, and a Southern Baptist. Yet, he never once tried to make amends to me for what he did. That, I believe is required, in order to be a true "born again" Christian. If he asked me for forgiveness today, I'd give it to him, but I'd never forget, or trust him again. The fact that I am willing to forgive him is all the healing I can ever expect. When I confronted him with my suppressed memories, and my flashbacks, he admitted that he, too remembered it, that he had done it, and never once tried to apologize or make amends. His rationale: "God has forgiven me for that." In my anger I could only say this, and still, I can only say this: "Fine, God has forgiven you for this, what has He done for me? I only have to live with it, you son-of-a #$%@#!" Of course, now I would alter that, because God did do something for me. He gave me the strength to deal with it, and the courage to write this, so that maybe it might help someone else. It gets worse. I told my parents (big mistake). You see, my brother was still "good kid", and I was "bad kid", because my parents knew of, and did not approve of, my transsexual status. They did not believe me. They called my brother, and asked him about it. The son-of-a #$%@# denied it! Of course he denied it! What else, you fool? I must say, right here and now, that if the first person you tell doesn't believe you, then tell someone else! Keep telling people until someone believes you! At first, they believed him. After a while, I was so insistent, that I wore my parents down to the point where the didn't disbelieve me. My brother finally came to the point where he would neatly sidestep the issue whenever it came up between my parents and him. He would never confirm, or deny, that I was, in fact, telling the truth.
That's where it got worse, rather than better. My parents wanted to know why I was silent for so long. They accused me of liking it, and wanting it! "After all," went their rationale, "why not, you wanted to be a woman anyway." True enough, but I must re-state here, that what happened to me has nothing to do with being a woman, but is, unfortunately, too often a part of a woman's life experience.
Angry? You'd better believe it! But it doesn't consume me, or rule my life. Because my anger is focused, and directed exactly where it belongs: Against my brother, and my parents. My family relations are shot, but at least, I am healed. At least, as healed as I'll ever be. Something like this leaves permanent scars! I share this story in the hope that in will help others like me. It wasn't until very recently that I learned how many of us survivors were out there. Two very special people helped me to have to courage to write this, and put it on my site, for all to see, and judge. One is my friend Amy McCorkle. The other is an Email pal from Iceland. Both are survivors. Thank you, anDrea, for your story. I wasn't aware how widespread incest experiences were among transgendered people, particularly, the male-to-female transgendered people, my sisters. They are, to me, more family than my own flesh and blood ever could be, and I think it's sad I have to say that, but it's true. If you are transgendered and a survivor, or if you are not transgendered, and are a survivor, know this: You are not alone! You did not ask for it, any more than you asked to be born! Or, if you are transgendered, you didn't ask for it any more than you asked to be transgendered!
This has been written in the spirit of love, and healing. I hope it heals another victim, another warrior, to become a survivor.
Speaking of Books
By Marisa Richmond, Ph.D.
Changing Ones: Third and Fourth Genders in Native North America by Will Roscoe (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1998, ISBN 0-312-17539-6, $24.95)
Two-Spirit People: Native American Gender Identity, Sexuality, Spirituality edited by Sue-Ellen Jacobs, Wesley Thomas, and Sabine Lang (Urbana and Chicago: University of Illinois Press, 1997, ISBN 0-252-06645-6, $19.95)
One area of increasing interest to both the gender and academic communities are the roles that transgendered people held in the cultures that comprised the first nations of America. Two recent books address these roles.
In Changing Ones, Will Roscoe looks at the special place that these people held in Native societies. He defines at least four genders, male, female, male-to-female, and female-to-male, but acknowledges that there may well be others. In addition, he discusses the interaction between Native societies and westerners from a Judeo-Christian background who held different attitudes towards gender. He notes that the English Puritans felt they were entering a modern-day Sodom and prepared for battle with Satan, although these attitudes were generally shared by other Europeans. They were homophobic and transphobic and had little understanding of the sort of cultures they encountered in North America. Native cultures were seen as irrational or sinful, so European Christians were able to justify conquering and converting the Natives.
Roscoe does observe that attitudes among Westerners did differ, however, for female-to-males. In Western eyes, they affirmed the notion of male superiority. They saw women they believed were seeking to escape their slave-like status. Throughout North America, there were women who assumed roles are hunters, warriors and chiefs without necessarily abandoning their female identity, while others clearly did identify as males, but there is no evidence that women were treated as slaves within their societies which would lead some to abandon female roles. In defining the F2M's this way, Westerners were, however, placing their own values of gender roles on the Natives rather than recognizing Native gender roles.
While westerners viewed the M2Fs with contempt and disgust, Natives did not necessarily see them the same way. In their own societies, M2Fs "did not forsake a higher social status for a lower one"(p.27). One example he provided was of Osh-Tisch, a Boté of the Absaroke (Crow) Nation. He was a successful warrior and still performed other roles defined as feminine.
Roscoe also asks how well have Native traditions been transmitted over the generations given the hostility of Christian missionaries and government policy to Native cultures. The modern "two-spirit" movement has evolved in response to homophobia and transphobia that now exist within Native societies that were, undoubtedly, imported by Westerners. Part of this new movement is an unnamed support group in Nashville (p.104) which may Roscoe may have based on a letter I sent to him in April 1994.
These same concerns permeate the second publication. Two-Spirit People is a collection of papers which came out of conferences held in Washington and Chicago in 1993 and 1994. The authors, who are cultural anthropologists, Native American writers, along with a couple of psychologists, have noted that the adoption of western culture, and Christianity in particular, has led to an increase in homophobia and transphobia among many Natives and a rejection of the traditional existence and roles played by Two-Spirits. This does make it difficult to tell how much of the recent attempt to recapture Two-Spirit identities is based on romantic idealism or historical reality, but together, the twenty contributors attempt to provide a clearer picture.
It is worth noting that virtually all the writers reject the use of the term "berdache" due to its negative connotations, although Roscoe stated in his book that since it does have a historical usage, there are times when it may be appropriate to use the term. Of course, "Two-Spirit" is itself a recent term used to describe, in a more objective vein, the roles of those who do not fit into the binary, Western/Judeo-Christian definition of gender. Many Native societies define the Two-Spirits as a separate gender category. Both Lang (p.104-5) and Thomas (pp.158-63) observed that among the Diné (Navajo), the Nádleehé alone account for three separate gender categories, which are themselves distinct from male and female, and that only when a person has sexual relations within a specific category is it defined as incestuous. Gender identity, not anatomy, forms the basis for defining sexual relationships.
Although both books tend to concentrate on those tribes in western North America, all the authors acknowledge that Two-Spirits existed in virtually every region of the continent. In fact, Roscoe includes an updated list of 157 nations with identifiable Two-Spirits. Three of them even lived at one time in Tennessee--Cherokee, Chickasaw, and Creek--but it worth noting that Roscoe lists the Cherokees as a Muskogean nation (p.218). The Cherokee language is actually Iroquoian, although the Cherokees certainly had much in common with their Muskogean speaking neighbors.
Changing Ones and Two-Spirit People complement each other quite well. They are both part of a growing body of literature which includes The Spirit and the Flesh (1986) by Walter Williams and Living the Spirit (1988) edited by Roscoe, which attempt to place Native Two-Spirits within a social, cultural and historical context without the judgmental moralizing of past analyses or the romanticization of more recent years. One of the best aspects of these two works is that they are allowing modern Two-Spirits to reclaim their heritage and their place within their societies. Their voices are increasingly being heard and their roles recognized. That is undoubtedly one purpose of the two publications and in this, they succeed greatly.
Incarcerated TS Requests Protests
by Marisa Richmond
In late June, MaryKay Condit, an inmate in Colorado's Walsenburg Prison, requested protests be organized on behalf of transgendered prisoners who, she insists, are being mistreated. Walsenburg Prison is one of a growing number of prisons being operated by Corrections Corporation of America (CCA), a private, for-profit agency based in Nashville. Condit argues that CCA does not provide adequate mental health care at Walsenburg, and possibly at its other prisons around the country as well. She is hoping that people and businesses around the country will withdraw their investments from CCA in order to force the company to begin providing adequate medical treatment from transgendered prisoners.
GLBT Community Urges Boycott Of Red Lobster, Bahama Breeze, and Olive Garden Restaurants; Unfair Labor Practices Cited
Contributed By Terri Hambaugh
Darden Restaurants, the owner of Red Lobster, Olive Garden, and the new Bahama Breeze restaurant chains, wants to be able to fire employees solely because those employees are Gay. Darden Restaurants is going to court to try and get Cook County's (Illinois) human rights ordinance -- which prohibits discrimination based on race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, and other categories, in matters of employment, housing, public accommodations and credit transactions -- declared unconstitutional. Their action comes in response to an order from the Cook County Human Rights Commission that they reinstate a Gay employee who was repeatedly ridiculed and eventually fired because of his sexual orientation. The restaurant is not trying to claim that it did not discriminate -- it is acknowledging that it *did* discriminate, and that civil rights laws which prevent them from acting on their bigotry are unconstitutional!
This is not just a company that supports an anti-Gay "foundation." This is not just a company that discriminates and tries to cover it up (although those examples are bad enough!). This is a company that is actively seeking to overturn important civil rights legislation -- which would open the doors for countless other
firings, harassment, and other forms of discrimination.
Next time you're tempted to eat at Red Lobster or Olive Garden, imagine your Lesbian daughter/ sister/ granddaughter/ aunt/ niece/ friend/ mother/ lover/ self being fired solely because she's a lesbian -- for no other reason. Or imagine your Gay son/ brother/ grandson/ uncle/ nephew/ friend/ father/ lover/ self losing
his housing - or being unable to find a place to live -- solely because
he's Gay. There are hundreds of other restaurants out there -- ones that aren't using your money to take away the civil rights of those you know and love. Patronize them, but not Red Lobster or Olive Garden.
TS Hearts Discussed by Docs
Australian Associated Press, August 6, 1998
PERTH - The world's top heart surgeons met in Perth today in the biggest annual medical conference ever held in Australia. International cardiac experts are taking part in the 46th annual scientific meeting of the Cardiac society of Australia and New Zealand to discuss all aspects of heart disease and heart health. Key
speakers will include Dr Roger Mee from USA's Cleveland Clinic who is considered one of the best children's heart surgeons in the world, Dr Steve Humphries of London's University College - an expert on genetics of heart disease and renowned heart surgeon Dr Tirone E David from Toronto, who will deliver the Victor Chang
Memorial lecture. The conference will focus on a wide range of issues including heart disease in transsexuals, painless surgery, new drug therapy and the effects of vitamin E supplements on heart
health. The conference will run for three days.
NJ TS Has Death Sentence Canceled
Albury Park Press, August 5, 1998
TRENTON --- The state Supreme Court yesterday overturned the death sentence of Leslie Nelson, the 40-year-old transsexual who killed two law enforcement officers during a 1995 shootout at her Camden County home. The court said prosecutors failed to tell Nelson about evidence that could have helped sway a jury to spare her life. It marked the first time in almost two years the state's highest court has tossed out a death sentence. Attorney General Peter Verner said the state will present its case to another death penalty jury as soon as possible. The decisions come at a time when the state's highest court, under fire from critics who say it moves too slowly on death penalty cases, is facing the prospect of new changes to the state's capital punishment law aimed at hastening executions. A study commission, appointed by Gov. Christine Todd Whitman, is putting the final touches on a report that out-lines ways to speed up the lengthy appeals process for death penalty cases. No one has been executed since New Jersey re-established the death penalty in 1982.
Nelson killed two law enforcement officers and seriously wounded another in a 12-hour siege outside her home in Hadean Heights in 1995. She pleaded guilty to capital murder and aggravated assault. During her death penalty trial. her lawyers also said the officers were not adequately trained to handle a situation with an armed. mentally ill person. After she was sentenced to death, it was revealed that the officer who was wounded in the standoff, Richard Norcross, had already sued the Camden County
prosecutors office and Haddon Heights, saying he had not received proper training. "Had the jury been aware that this crucial witness.. agreed with defendant that inadequate police training had sparked defendant's violent reaction, it is at least reasonably probable that
an additional juror or jurors," may have looked more favorably on her arguments, Justice Daniel J, O'Hern wrote in the majority opinion. "It's always encouraging when in a particularly difficult case your arguments win the day for you," said Dale Jones, an assistant public defender in charge of death penalty cases. "There is no real pure victory in capital litigation. It's a remand for new trial."
Estrogen Limits Stroke Brain Damage
Reuters, August 6, 1998
NEW YORK -- The female hormone estrogen may limit stroke- related brain damage in patients of both sexes , according to a study in the journal Stroke. Previous findings suggest that estrogen reduces brain damage in women who suffer strokes. During a stroke, blood flow to the brain is severely restricted, as is the brain's oxygen supply. Though more women than men suffer strokes, women are more likely to recover than men, research shows. And animal studies find that female rats typically have one-third less stroke-related brain damage than male rats.
To determine whether estrogen treatment might limit stroke-related brain damage in male rats, a team of researchers, conducted several experiments. They treated one group of male rats with estrogen, and another with saltwater. They then restricted blood flow to the animals' brains, inducing stroke. To determine whether testosterone, the male sex hormone, might alter the effects of estrogen, the researchers conducted a series of similar experiments with castrated rats. They gave some of the castrated rats estrogen, and others a placebo (inactive substance), before restricting blood flow to the animals' brains. Finally, the researchers examined the brains of all the animals, and measured the extent of stroke-related brain damage. The researchers report that rats treated with estrogen had significantly less brain damage than those given salt water or placebo, the researchers found. This was the case even among castrated animals, they report. "Our findings clearly demonstrate that the benefit of estrogen can be extended to the male brain, reducing tissue injury" from stroke, one of the research team, Dr. Patricia Hurn of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, Maryland, said in a statement to the press. "These results are exciting in that they suggest that the neural protective effects of estrogen are not gender specific," Dr. Virginia M.Miller of
the Mayo Foundation in Rochester, Minnesota, adds in an editorial accompanying the study. Whether estrogen might have the same effects in people, and whether after-the fact-estrogen treatment might help prevent brain damage inpatients who have just had strokes remains to be seen, Hurn and colleagues note. Precisely why estrogen limits brain damage is unclear, and also warrants further study, the researchers add.
Accepting One Another
By Del Dorr
Let me extend a big "Thank You" to the guys and gals of the Tennessee Vals (Tvals) for the opportunity to speak at their July meeting. You were a wonderful audience. I appreciated all of the good questions after the talk and the additional insights you provided by sharing your daily battles. Truly, we are all in a common battle as we seek freedom for all sexual orientations.
I spoke to the group about "Accepting Yourself" rather like a cheerleader encouraging them to be the person they feel they really are. I also touched upon the need for all of us in the greater Nashville community to be accepting of each other and the need to try to become more understanding as well.
I am amazed at how some within the larger community cannot appreciated the need for all of us seeking recognition of our sexual orientation to accept one another. Currently, that issue is being played out in the pages of the Atlanta-based publication Southern Voice. The controversy was started by a letter in the June 25th issue when Beren deMotier wrote a viewpoint entitled The Trans Movement Is Not What Gay Pride Is All About. The heart of the piece was her inability to see "the obliteration of a dual-gender system."
How can we forget that the revolt at Stonewall was started by a group of "drag queens?" Men dressing up as women; is that not a connection to a dual-gender system? When deMotier speaks of her lesbian relationship and her role as the domestic housewife raising the family while her partner serves as the bread winner, is that no also a revolt against the dual-gender system?
In reading various publications circulated among us, it is clear there is a need to educate ourselves as well as others as to who we all really are. Yes, we are diversified, and t here are many differences among us. Yet it seems to this writer that the essence of our battle for human rights is the acceptance of all these differences. There is no prescribes "right lifestyle" that can be given to what all of the movement is about. Recently, I was reading a piece on bondage relationships and the work being done to create a set of guidelines emphasizing the recognition and protection of all participants in his sexual choice. It is a sexual choice that I cannot say I even begin to understand.
As several members of the Tennessee Vals talked to me the other night about some of the situations they face in trying to be the person they really are, I have to say I don't understand all of this. Yet, one of the young ladies at the meeting mad a valid point when she observed, "It is not that we expect understanding, what we do desire and expect is acceptance. Acceptance does not always mean understanding."
The closing paragraph of the article causing the wave of controversy in Southern Voice reads "I just want to be free to live my life, love who I love, and raise my kids.. For me, that is what Gay Pride is all about." That is, in fact, exactly what the Stonewall rebellion and Gay Pride is all about. Every one of us should be able to raise our voices in agreement of this.
Xenogeny, 07-27-98
The Tennessee Vals welcome your letters and comments! Email agc@MCI2000.com, or mail your correspondence to PO Box 92335, Nashville, TN. 37209-2335