Two People, One Relationship

By Linda Kaye

Y ou hold within you the reconciling of opposites, the integration of dualisms: You are both mind and body, earth and spirit, emotion and reason, light and dark, receptivity and action, vulnerability and strength, female and male, dying and rebirth.
(Karen Katafiasz)

These words were written by a woman, for women. Yet, as I read them, I can't help but think they apply to all humankind, not just women, and that they particularly speak to the transgendered, and to those of us who are partners of transgendered persons.

Each of us is a maze of dualisms. We can be both gentle and harsh; we can be both loving and cruel; we can be happy and sad; we can be both strong and weak. We can be fair and unfair; we can hear or choose not to. At one moment, we feel elation, only to feel depressed the next. We can laugh and then cry. And we can feel pain and then healing.

In any relationship, and especially in one where a partner is transgendered, all the emotions that life offer us are felt by both partners. Life is not a boring journey; rather, it is filled with fear and wonder, grief and joy, love and hate, pain and delight. There is no true perfect relationship, for there is no perfection in its partners.

We are creatures of ego, and as such, we tend to think of "self" first, and someone else second. We know our feelings intimately and we will selfishly go to any lengths to change bad feelings into good, seeking happiness for ourselves.

In a transgendered relationship, the maze of dualisms may come to the forefront. Often, the worst in each of us comes out as we confront the other. We easily put blame on the other, rather than on self, where it often belongs. We look only as far as we want to see, and that is usually not far enough to encompass the other. We hear only what we wish to hear, becoming deaf to the words of our partner. We demand change in our partner, never seeing that change must come within ourselves. We do not communicate; we only condemn.

Not a pretty picture, but one that I have seen time and time again. Over the years, I have listened to countless people tell me of their unhappiness, their inability to accept their partner. I have felt their despair, their pain, and I have shared their tears.

Recently, I have been talking with a spouse who, because of some very heavy baggage from the past, simply cannot accept, tolerate or even acknowledge her partner's transgendered nature. Were the partner considerate of the wife, I might perhaps feel some compassion for him; however, he is selfishly ignoring the pain his wife feels, nor is he willing to be patient while she works through her past and finds some peace within herself. If she were able to do this, with no pressure from him, she might reacha place where she could open not only her ears, but her heart to him, and willingly explore his transgendered nature with him. On the other hand, she, in her pain, is not only denying his transgendered nature, but is insisting that he purge himself of it - not only his feminine clothes, but actually put aside who he is, simply so she can find herself. I suggested to both that they each need some space, but need also to mutually respect who the other is. To force him to deny who he is within is cruel and unreasonable. To force her to instantly deal with his transgenderism is equally cruel and unreasonable. This couple are not communicating; they hear only what their inner selves say; they hear nothing the other says.

The writer of the words beginning this article has also written, "No other person can make you feel whole. Your wholeness comes from an inner peace and integrity - your feelings, beliefs, principles, actions, all in harmony." How many of us can say we feel whole? Do we recognize our inner integrity, or do we look inward with regret and guilt? Can we say that our lives run with harmony?

I don't think many people can say this, and certainly not within this TG community. Yet, perhaps the most important thing any one person can do is to look inward, cleanse oneself, develop the inner person, and project the harmony of self-acceptance to the world. How can we accept others if we cannot accept ourselves?

Any relationship is give and take. Each partner must give far more than 100%. If a partner falls short of this, he/she is being unfair to the other. If there is self-love, it needs to be carefully nurtured, and never allowed to grow egotistical; rather, it should be projected to the other partner as an understanding of self, and with expression of need for the other's self. It is mutual communication; it is mutual caring and understanding; it is acceptance of self and of the other; it is nurturing and wonder at the gifts each are blessed with. How many of us can say we have ever had such a relationship in our life? Yet, we dream of it, wish for it, attempt to find it. To find it is nothing short of a miracle; yet, it is a miracle which cannot be static; it needs constant feeding and nurture in order to grow and thrive and fulfill.

Your relationship with your partner should be like this. If it is not, then there is mending to do. Begin with yourself. Then reach out to your partner. Remember that the two of you have become one - it is when you become two again, that the relationship falls apart.
Hugs, Linda



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