Interview With A Crossdresser


By Ricci


he is a mix of man and woman. Stephen, her masculine face, is tall, rugged and masculine. Most people describe him as gentle and caring. He is considered a good father and his wife clearly loves him. Likewise, Tammy is tall and slim. She wears a long, dark wig that frames and softens her features. It takes only a lick of lipstick to fully create the feminine image. Unlike Stephen though, she is bubbly, more outgoing and just a little outrageous. She is clearly being herself whereas poor Stephen will sometimes give the impression of living behind a mask.

"I am a man, she explains, a man with a very strong feminine side. All men have a feminine side but in my case, she is as strong as my masculine side. Cross Dressing is one way of expressing that feminine side. When I am dressed (cross dressed), my femme side is dominant. I am to all intents and purposes, a woman, at least to me I am. The clothes are just a tool I use to express my feminine side." "Do you have any desire to change sex?" I ask."No." The answer is quick and definite.

"A transsexual is someone trapped in the wrong body. I have never had that feeling. I am as proud of my man as I am of my woman. I have as much need to be a man as I do a woman." "Do you always feel one or the other?"
"Noooo. Rarely do I feel that I am one or the other. I am just me. If however, I am inappropriately dressed, a tension builds inside and I need to dress as I feel. Sometimes as a man, sometimes as a woman. Most of the time, it doesn’t really matter, though I am happiest as Tammy."

"Are the names important?" I asked.
"Not really. It’s a bit silly being a woman called Stephen, that’s all. The two names make a useful shorthand for referring to my two sides. I have never felt as though I am two people. I am not even aware of the changes that occur in my personality when I cross dress. I am just me."

"How long have you been Cross Dressing?"
"Do you mean, how long have I been dressing or have long have I been a Cross Dresser?" she says laughing. "They are two different things." She goes on to explain that while no one knows how or why someone becomes a Cross Dresser, it is known that you are born a Cross Dresser and you die a Cross Dresser. It is not a path that is chosen, nor is it one that can be given up, no matter how great the desire to do so.

"The general population often confuses Cross Dressers with drag queens. Drag Queens are men, usually homosexuals, who dress as women to attract other men or to parody women. The main difference being that while dressed, they are aware of being men and at no time wish to become a woman. A Cross Dresser, actually feels that he is a woman while dressed, though knowing that physically he is not."

As a young child, Tammy can remember pretending to be magically transformed into a girl and would play happily as a girl for hours. She remembers feeling this was normal. The realisation that she could never be a girl and that others did not share her feelings, caused a great deal of confusion in her teenage years.

"I first started dressing in my early teens," she explains. Her mother had returned to work and Tammy would get home from school before anyone else. One day, she discovered some of her mother’s clothing and, without thinking, tried it on. From then on, she would dress as a girl at every opportunity and spend time as a girl, though now she was using her sister’s clothes. In time, this became almost a daily occurrence.

"Mum came home early one day and caught me. Not much was said at the time. When I was caught again though, a few months later, my father offered the stern advice to ‘resist the urges’. Nothing has been said since and I guess they have forgotten the incidents."From then to now, Tammy has cross dressed at every opportunity. With time and leaving home, she was able to build up her own wardrobe though this has been purged on a number of occasions."

"Tell me about the purging?" I ask.
"Well, to talk about that, I need to talk about society," she replies, suddenly serious. She explains that despite people’s private reactions, Cross Dressing is not accepted by society as a whole. It is ridiculed, regarded as something odd, a weakness, an illness. Until recently, it was officially a mental illness in America. "Yet our western culture is the only culture in the world to react this way. Many cultures have respected the Cross Dresser and given them a special place in their society," she adds. "The funny thing is," she comments with a grin, "when I go out dressed, people don’t notice or if they do, they don’t care. It’s only when it affects them personally that they react."

"You are however, left feeling guilty, ashamed of your behaviour. I searched for years for information about cross dressing. The most positive thing I found was the comment in a respected sex manual that Cross Dressing is a harmless fetish. Not a comment that made me feel any better about myself. I have suffered terrible self esteem problems for most of my life. Hence the purging. Every now and then, I would have a terrible attack of the guilts and throw all my wardrobe away, vowing never to dress again. The longest I lasted was about three months and I nearly went mad with the effort. You can not escape from yourself and trying to doesn’t really help you to feel good about yourself."

The internet provided the answers she had been searching for. For the first time in her life, she found a wealth of information that not only told her about cross dressing, but told her that it was ALRIGHT. She describes that last revelation as mind blowing, something she had never considered before. It changed her life forever.Since then, she has been able to accept and embrace her cross dressing.

"I have improved dramatically as a person," she says. "Before, I was desperately trying to be something I am not, a man. I am a mixture of man and woman and now I let myself be free to be myself. The result is a happy and confident person. Surprisingly, it has also produced a masculine man and a feminine women. I no longer have to stifle characteristics I thought were unbecoming," she explains.

"Does your wife accept your dressing?" I ask.
"My first wife never knew. We were married for twelve years. I dressed through that entire time and had my own wardrobe for most of that time. I was on a roundabout of denying, trying to accept, then understand, then denying my cross dressing. I guess I wasn’t very nice to live with."

"What about your current wife?"
"She’s wonderful. I was dressed when we first met and she had read my homepage before that. She has said that she loves me because of my cross dressing. Not because I wear dresses but because of the person my cross dressing has allowed me to be."

"What’s your dearest desire?"
"To be able to go wherever I want, dressed as however I want," she answers quickly. "The worst part is the hiding. At least now, my wife and closest friends allow me the freedom to be myself. Sometimes though, it is genuinely painful to have to change back into male clothing. I am out of my closet now, but I still have to hide.One day, society will allow people to be themselves and many of the tensions that are destroying our society will crumble. I guess I wont see that day, but you can’t stop me dreaming."

By Ricci

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