The Slot Machine
W hen Vanessa and I got married, we drove to Las Vegas for our wedding trip. Having never been exposed to the bright lights and thrills of Vegas, I was excited by the trip, and discovered that I was hooked on 5 cent slot machines.
I had never gambled before, and the noise and flashing lights of the casinos draw you in, just as the porch light seduces the moth to its brightness. Even if you don't gamble, it is such a different environment from anything you are used to, that you feel excited and glad to be there.
It is easy to see how some become addicted to gambling, because it continually ensares the player with promise of "winning the big one." Everytime you drop your nickel, or quarter or dollar into a slot machine, you feel certain that the next pull on the arm of the machine will bring you vast wealth.You can't believe that you won't come away a winner. In small doses, I don't see much wrong with this, and I enjoy dropping those nickels in, but when it becomes obsessive you have a problem.
Thinking about this, I began to see a correlation between the enticement of the slot machine and some relationships between a transgendered man and his wife/partner. I'm thinking specifically about one couple, in which the husband is the slot machine and the wife is the player. There is that continual promise of agreement, but when she pulls the arm, she continually loses. What am I talking about?
Well, the transgendered husband is always promising to honor their agreements about his dressing and behavior, and the wife is always believing he will. She believes that she will be the winner in this. Instead, the false light of his promises destroy , just as the moth is destroyed by the burning porch light. His promises are artificially bright, to entice her to believe him and let him do what he wants to do. However, once ensnared, she pulls the arm, only to find that the promise is empty. An example of this is his promises, in their negotiations, to honor a specific boundary. "I promise I won't go to the mall dressed," he says. She loves him and she believes him; yet, one day, while she is at work, he takes the day off, crossdresses, and goes to the mall. Even if the trip to the mall is benign, the breaking of this promise is malignant. He has persuaded himself that this boundary was okay when he agreed to it, but he's now sure that it wouldn't apply because he has changed his make-up or his clothing style, and surely, no one will recognize him. He can't see that in breaking this promise, he is destroying the fragile trust between husband and wife. The wife is "pulling on that slot machine arm" and she's losing.
This couple continues to negotiate their relationship and she sets boundaries and he breaks them. He wants more and more, she wants less and less, but she is seduced by her belief that if he is happy, she will be, too. She continues to drop her nickels of hope into the one-armed bandit of his promises, and she comes up empty- handed. Then they negotiate a new set of boundaries and the cycle begins again. And, like some gamblers, she continues to believe that she will win in the end, when in actuality, both the slot machine and the player are losers.
A loving relationship is one where both partners are winners. There is give and take in every relationship, but honest, open communication is the key to being winners. Likewise, a promise is a promise and should be kept. When a promise is broken, so does the relationship become broken. The trust is gone, but as in this particular case, the wife is ensnared and continues to hope, to gamble that maybe "this time," he'll keep his promise and honor their agreement. The love is two-sided here - she loves him and he loves himself, too. As she seems willing to live like this, there is nothing that anyone can do, because she won't stop the gamble.
But there is hope for others, if both partners will agree to be unselfish. Promises
must be full, not empty, and they must be given in good faith. One partner cannot
continually come away with all the nickels; they must share. Yes, there is a gamble, but it is one in which both come away winners. Real love for each other, combined with faith and communication, are the keys to overcoming empty promises and false hope. It is at this point that each partner will see that the bright lights and thrill of the slot machine are really artificial, and that the commitment to each other is the true way to richness.
Hugs, Linda