Living: Doin' The Do

by Maggie Morgan

Okay gang, it's time for some nuts-n-bolts talk. In previous columns, I've spoken at length about the philosophy behind living as a female, the fundamental questions of sex, gender, and identity that we all have to address, especially when contemplating living full-time. But I haven't yet tackled another, equally fundamental question: how do you actually go about creating your everyday female self?
You've done some of the basic work already, or you wouldn't be here. First and foremost, you've made the decision that crossing the gender line is something you have to do, need to do for your own emotional well-being. In many ways, that fact of acknowledging yourself is the toughest act of all. You've done a lot of work on creating your physical image and you're reasonably satisfied with what's staring back at you in your mirror.
Still, you know in your heart that you'll never pass in public, much less live comfortably as a female. Everyone's going to see beneath your carefully constructed fantasy image to the male within. How can you develop a female persona that will express your needs and desires, and, at the same time, be acceptable to the world at large?
Here's Morgan's Rule One for Tran Success: accept yourself as you are. I can't tell you how many trans I've dealt with whose endless litany is "I can't pass, I can't pass." I've written to these people and traded photos. I've talked to them on the telephone. I've even met them face-to-face. Virtually without exception, they look perfectly fine and would easily pass anywhere. Still, it's "oh no, I could never pass."
What these people are really saying to me, and to themselves, is "I can't pass because I don't look like Michelle Pfeiffer," or Claudia Schiffer, or whichever actress/model is their current fantasy ideal. Well, who does? The last time I looked, women came in all shapes, sizes, and degrees of beauty. So do trans.
The fact that you'll never be mistaken for this year's supermodel shouldn't stand in your way of your feeling comfortable with yourself and putting your best face forward in public. Focus on your own look; the way that you can best bring out the woman in you based on what you have to work with. It doesn't matter if you're 6-foot-2 or built like a linebacker. You can pass, and you can be happy, provided you work with what you have and not what you wish you had.
I've already done a column on naming yourself, so I won't repeat myself, except to remind you to choose carefully. Remember, once you're out for good, that is who you are, so find a name that really makes you happy. Also be mindful of applicable laws when obtaining credit cards or similar items that you can use under your femme name.
Volumes have been written about how to sit, stand, and move like a lady, but for my money, the best way to learn how to move as a woman is to watch women. Watch them sitting across from you on the train or the bus. Pay attention to the woman ahead of you in line at the bank. Look at how she stands, shifts her weight, uses her hands. Remember what you see and try to mimic it in front of your friendly mirror. You're not trying to come on like Miss America; you're trying to be natural, so don't worry about being perfect. What's important is to become comfortable in your movements.
Incidentally, if you don't look good crossing your legs, avoid doing it. It took me a major illness and a 40-pound weight loss before I could cross my legs decently. Believe me, it's not that important.
One of the most common misconceptions among trans concerns the "walk." I think the blame for this can be placed on most tran fiction. We've all read innumerable passages about trans being forced into so-called feminine "mincing" walks, tiny, delicate steps, suggesting bondage. Honestly, have you ever in your life seen a woman who walks like that? Particularly in this age of fitness, if there is any manner to a woman's walk, it's the "power stride," a confident, athletic pace that illustrates "this woman means business." Yet the myth of "mincing" persists, even in the several How-To manuals I've seen.
The best teacher I have ever seen of feminine carriage is Paula Jordan Sinclair, who can do the power stride in four-inch heels and make you weep with envy. Since we don't all have access to Paula, the next best ideal for a confident feminine walk is, of all people, Jack Benny. I am not kidding. Jack's walk was so distinctively feminine that his longtime band leader, Phil Harris, once commented, "You know, you could put a dress on Jack and take him anywhere." (Did you ever see his impression of Gracie Allen?) To this day, if I find myself slumping or slouching in public, I think "Jack Benny" or whistle a few bars of his theme Love In Bloom and my body automatically straightens and my stride comes together. Pick up a video of one of his old shows. You'll see what I mean. [Editor's Note: Ms. Sinclair's power stride and other feminine movements can be seen on the CDS video, LadyLike Deportment.]
Having briefly mentioned Gracie Allen,. I'm reminded of one of her personal quirks that serves as a good reminder regarding jewelry and other such decoration. Before leaving the house to go anywhere, even shopping, she'd check herself out in a mirror and remove one thing - a pin or a bracelet or some such bauble. Her rationale? She never wanted anyone to accuse her of being overdressed. You may be madly in love with your jewelry, but "less is more" is a reasonable rule to follow. The same is true for makeup. Now, we trans have special needs owing to the nature of our existence, and frequently have to engage in all sorts of artifice in order to give our faces the proper feminine appearance. I'll leave the details on that to the experts. My point, though, is to remind you that everyday makeup is substantially different from the Hollywood looks you've probably been practicing. Once again, pay attention to the women you see in public. They don't have showgirl eyes or lashes out to there. Their eye shadow colors tend to be neutral, blush applied sparingly, and lipstick a muted shade … the so-called "natural" look.
As you go along, you'll find yourself becoming comfortable with less and less makeup, until you discover the smallest amount you can use and still achieve satisfactory results. I found myself paring down my makeup kit for nearly a year before I got to my everyday look..
A word or two about hair: if you can possibly grow your own, do it. Once you're eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom as a female, the last thing you want to worry about is wearing a wig. Furthermore, there are few things more depressing for someone trying to "think femme" than to take that hair off every night. If you must wear a wig, your everyday style should be as simple and easy to care for as possible. I recommend choosing something close to your natural color, because it will help you feel more like you. I decided very early on that I looked best in a long bob with bangs, and fortunately was able to grow my own hair (after two years) to match my wigs. If you're stuck for ideas, study those charts that illustrate facial shapes, and choose a style accordingly.
My standard line regarding wardrobe is "Don't wear your evening gown to take out the garbage." When I decide I was going to go full-time, one of the first things I realized was that I'd have to overhaul my clothing collection. I loaded up on simple separates in solid colors, determining which shades suited me best, then sticking to them. While my wardrobe has expanded, that principle hasn't changed. I also find myself making fewer "blind impulse" purchases; the kind that got stuck in the back of the closet and stayed there forever. Keep it simple - you'll look good and save money.
That's about it. I don't claim that anything I've suggested is foolproof - it's what works for me - but perhaps I've removed some of the apprehension you feel about coming out into the world. I know you can do it, so go get 'em!

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