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Thursday, July 25, 1996
Letters to the Editor
Submit a letter of your own
Dear Editors:
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Jerry

Dear Jerry,
We hear that if a million monkeys sat down at a million typewriters for a million years, one of them would produce Hamlet.

Which monkey are you?

Curious (George),
The Editors


Dear Editors:
It's time someone wrote a criticism about NBC's coverage of the Olympics. It's pathetic. Insipid. Just plain stupid. On Monday, the network concentrated on coverage of the average men's Olympic gymnastics team when they could have been providing coverage of soccer and baseball, two sports that are far more interesting than men's gymnastics.

There's plenty more. The countless vignettes about athletes run on and on and on. On Monday, there even was a piece about the Civil War. I don't know what the Civil War has to do with the Olympics, but some marketing research jerk probably looked at statistics and thought the piece was a good way to grab ratings. Damn stupid. And then there's talentless John Tesh. Whoever thought this guy ought to be providing play-by-play of gymnastics should be ridiculed in public.

The only saving grace for NBC is Bob Costas and the thankfully overlooked U.S. basketball team, which shouldn't even be at the games.

Mukul Verma
Assistant editor
Business Report


Dear Editors:
This is the most entertaining Web site I have seen. I found my dream man operating on the Friends characters. Thanks.

Heather Milne


Dear Editors:
I'm concerned about the increase in the use of heroin. We have all seen Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots go from better to worse as he escapes from rehab. We've heard about the death of the keyboardist for The Smashing Pumpkins , and the removal of drummer Jimmy Chamberlin from the group. But, most of the emphasis from the news people seems to lie on the shoulders of Robert Downey, Jr.

Downey was first arrested for possession of cocaine and heroin. I was shocked (even though Downey had wrestled with cocaine addiction earlier). I think that I was so surprised because as most American people, I really absorb movie roles as the actor's own personality. It depressed me terribly to hear about Downey; he seems so sweet in films. But I just hope that Downey can get help, because he's a wonderful actor, and I don't think his career is over, I really don't.

Jess


Dear Editors:
My name is Nick Knight. I'm twenty-four. Recently, I took my first trip to Los Angeles. While there, I bumped into Mr. Dan Aykroyd , who was walking towards me on Wilshire Boulevard. He was wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses, and a navy blue suit. He was walking really fast. My girlfriend and I noticed him right away. I quickly turned, and ran up to him, as he was already a half a block away. Walking next to him, I told him that I was a fan of his work, and asked him if he could stop walking long enough for my girlfriend to catch up with us, so she could take our picture with her camera. He said, "Well, maybe some other time." Then, he walked off. Why did he do this? He knows as well as I do that there will never be "some other time." Why couldn't he let me take a picture with him? I didn't want to bother him. I wasn't trying to make a scene. All I was asking for was two seconds of his time so I could have a harmless souvenir that would've lasted me a lifetime. Are all celebrities this unfriendly? Are any of them approachable? Why did he have to be so mean?

Dear Nick,
Hard to say why Dan was so uncooperative. His attire--dark glasses, baseball cap, navy blue suit--would seem to indicate something corporate was up. A House of Blues board meeting perhaps? If so, he might have been a little tense, perhaps worried that his fellow business execs wouldn't take him seriously--would in fact remember him from the days when his head was shaped like a cone.

Nick, you, a stranger in Dan's world, a world filled with potential psycho celebrity stalkers, chased the guy up Wilshire Boulevard. What did you expect him to do?

Maybe some other time,
The Editors


Dear Editors:
I was reading your article from Anon .--the one were she wants to be a singer. I thought it was unfair and insulting the way you totally dissed her and didn't even try to help her find a way to become a singer. Next time try to be more sympathetic and try to help out. That's a dream of hers.

Totally disgusted!
Larry Neill

Dear Larry,
We're not going to wait around for next time: we're going to change our ways right now. Anon., we apologize for not taking your career ambitions seriously.

We think you're a spunky young lady with a lot of ambition and promise. We think you should join a band. We think that band should be called Snicker Doodles, and that it should play in local bars and clubs until it gets discovered one rainy night by a drunken old scout from MCA. We think Larry Neill, also a spunky youth, should be in your band as well. We think he should play the bass. (We think Larry, with his clever use of the young people's lingo, "totally dissed," could be a rock star himself.) We think that one day, after the lights have gone down and the drum set is packed up, you and Larry might share a moment of tenderness together, and love may blossom. We think the two of you may become the subject of American folklore, or a least a TV movie. We think it will be highly rated and air during sweeps week. We think Larry will go on to write a memoir of the music industry--Totally Disgusted, by Larry Neill--and that this book will sell in excess of one hundred thousand copies. We think that after your acrimonious divorce, you will go on to write a memoir entitled, Totally Disgusted by Larry Neill, but that, in old age, you will meet again, and having purged the demons of youth, live out your happy, peaceful twilight years together.

And remember--you incipient rock stars, you-- tattoos will always be tempting, but you'll live to regret them.

Sincerely,
The Editors


Dear Editors:
I am nineteen years old and I have always wanted to be a singer, what do I need to do in order to do that, it has been a life-long dream of mine, and also marrying Brad Pitt but that's never gonna happen! Please help! Oh, and you could get me a date with Brad or Chris O'Donnell !

Anon.

Dear Editors:
I'm just lost and bored. Where am I?

Richard Rando

Dear Richard and Anon.,
It's difficult to say which of you is in the more desperate situation. Nevertheless, we will attempt to do so . . .

thinking very hard . . . still thinking . . .
Richard! Congratulations! By representing an entire generation of angst-ridden wastrels, of personified, ambitionless lethargy, you claim the prize! But don't despair, Anon, we find your condition sad too! No, wait, what are we saying? Do despair. That may push you over the top.

In the meantime, Anon., you've always wanted to be a singer, so help us serenade Richard in his moment of glory:

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Sniff. It's been a long time since we've felt this emotional. Thanks, guys.

Full of love,
The Editors


Dear Editors:
I usually like reading your site and find it very informative. I, however, was insulted by the tone of your article about John Bryan when you described him as a "balding" millionaire. I am not sure what the importance of using this adjective is, except to paint a less-than-attractive picture of him. I don't think you would have called him "fat," "glass-eyed," or even "acne-ridden," if he indeed was, but you found it appropriate to discuss how much hair he does or doesn't have. I hope some day there will be some political correctness involving people with hair loss so that the media can maybe think of the people they are hurting.

Thank you for listening to an overly sensitive individual,
Fady Barmada

Dear Fady,
John Bryan, renowned Fergie toe-sucker, is not fat, glass-eyed, or acne-ridden. But if he was, we would have added those adjectives to "balding." Would we have done so because we are cruel or insensitive? No, Fady, certainly not. We are tireless investigators and we have a duty to our readers: to provide them with as much insight as possible into the human condition. And if an individual is "balding," does that have an effect on his or her psychological profile? Yes. It can even lead said individual to drastic acts--say, sucking the toes of a former duchess. Or writing a letter to an entertainment online service complaining about its insensitivity to bald people.

We feel your pain,
The Editors


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