Cuba Nostra
By Tony Hendra
ACK in the eighties, I appeared a few times on Miami Vice (now there's a deficit-financed series that's done just dynamite biz in reruns--when did you last see a People piece on Philip Michael Thomas?). Vice was shot like a movie, and so had a large gang of Teamsters off-camera. Movie Teamsters drive you around and load things on trucks and steal the preapproved amount of equipment off the set and so on. They're something of a joke in movieland (Q. How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Twelve. You got a problem wid dat?), and they're connected (def-nitly, def-nitly), but generally speaking they're okay guys and a lot more fun to hang with than the Ac-Tors.
Amongst the Teamsters on the Vice set was a Cuban we'll call Juan. Juan was a Teamster because he was connected (def-nitly, def-nitly), but the other wiseguys gave him a wide berth. It wasn't just because he carried a chrome-plated .45 (.45s don't impress Teamsters) or because he did little or no work. Most Teamsters don't either. (Q. What did the Teamster dad say to his Teamster kid? A. Why'nt you go and watch the other kids play?) They shunned Juan because he was a major creep. He had a big mouth, and started drinking at breakfast and never let pass an opportunity to tell the world he was an anti-Fidelista and was going back to Cuba one day soon--to liberate it and settle scores with the Commies. He'd usually emphasize these political points by waving his chrome-plated dingus around and by yelping about cojones. The other Teamsters would give an obligatory chuckle when he got into these rants--scum like Juan have a lot of juice in Miami. But everyone knew--even though they probably shared some of his politics--that he was a bully and a coward who beat up his women and who would run screaming with piss trickling down his leg if ever called upon to perform anything remotely resembling an act of courage.
I thought of Juan last week, when Clinton granted Americans--meaning American corporations--the right to sue foreign companies that are doing business with Cuba. The trigger of this action was the Helms-Burton Act, a piece of get-tough-on-Fidel legislative drivel which demonstrates, as much as any of the anti-democratic rubbish passed by the 104th Congress, just what the Contract on America is all about--converting the nation into a Bircherite plantation run by and for corporate Krauts, preferably from below the Mason-Dixon line. The salient portion of the act asserts, in effect, that U.S.-owned plants seized by Castro in 1960 are still the property of U.S. corporations--as if Cuba were simply an extension of the U.S. and had no sovereign proprietary rights of its own. The Helms in Helms-Burton, of course, is Jesse Helms, the single most disgusting human ever to have infested American public life, and there's no lack of current or historical competition. A racist oaf who long ago should have been taken into an alley and had his spectacles hammered, shard by shard, back into his tiny, hate-shrivelled brain. (I mean that figuratively, of course; never would I wish physical harm to a duly elected member of Congress. No sirrreee Bob, Mr. F.B.I. Browser Guy.)
The true scumbaggery here is that Clinton, who ought to have shredded Helms-Burton along with Hillary's second set of Rose Law Firm billing records, is instead enforcing its provisions. Why? Because he doesn't want to alienate Cubans, with whom the act is extremely popular, in two large and crucial swing states, New Jersey and Florida.
Now, not all Cubans are like Juan. Cuban culture is splendid and Cuba is a magical place. Many Cubans believe that real democracy will be possible when Fidel goes to the big hacienda in the sky. But the Cubans that Clinton (along with Helms and Dole) is humoring are banana republic swine and it's time we kicked them the hell out of our politics.
On 38th and Lexington in New York City, catty-corner from the Cuban Embassy is a sign that reads: Hermanos Al Rescate Corner. That's how bad things have gotten--that we raise public monuments to treasonous sabotage. Hermanos Al Rescate (Brothers to the Rescue) is the group whose planes were shot down by Cuban MIGS earlier this year on one of their periodic attempts to incite an international incident between the U.S. and Cuba--a federal crime, by the way. Frankly, I was delighted that four chunks of right-wing Cuban pond scum got dumped in the drink to have their fascistic mugs chewed off by rock lobsters. Hermanos Al Rescate pose as a group of peaceful Cuban patriots; in fact they're a Ricky Ricardo version of the Michigan Militia, bent on turning their island paradise back into the vast plantation it was under Batista. Their spiritual leader is a Perot-sized creep named Jorge Mas Canosa, the caudillo of southern Florida, who wants to boot Fidel and become Batista Dos. I'm no lover of communism but, frankly, if it ever comes to a U.F.C. steel-cage showdown between Castro and this teeny-weeny Mussolini, I'll be rooting for the guy with the face fur.
It's absurd enough that we rail at China for victimizing Taiwan, while victimizing our own Taiwan far more viciously. It's even more ridiculous that we do so at the behest of treasonous gangsters who make Salvadoran death squads look like sisters of mercy. For thirty-five years, from the Bay of Pigs through Watergate and Iran-Contra till now, these drug-running thugs have been dictating our policy toward a neighbor and potential ally. It's time to do what Fidel would do: round up every last banana republican Juan in the fifty states, stick 'em in garbage scows, point them at the motherland, and shove. Then we could finally normalize relations with their long-suffering compatriots, which in turn would mean--and is, of course, the whole point of this rant--that I wouldn't have to commit a federal crime to lay my hands on a box of damn Cohibas.
Joe Canuck from [205.205.157.20] at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 7:02am ET
If Americans considered how the Helms/Burton bill is alienating them from virtually every nation, they'd think twice about persuing this piece of Congressional garbage. Cuba will not be changed by a continued boycott. As always, it,s the poor who suffer most. Mr. Hendras, thank you for your courage. You've probably upset a lot more people than just Juan and the FBI Browser Guy, but it's wonderful to hear that all Americans haven't ben duped by Mr. Helm's imbecilic ravings!
Kevin from Canada from shl.com at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 2:10pm ET
Well, thank god there's someone down there with a little sense. Could you imagine someone trying to pull the same thing on you guys? If, to use your excellent example, China called up the President and said "Excuse me, we are going to start dictating your foreign policy now, could you please stop talking to Taiwan, and oh yes, we'll start throwing your citizens in jail if you don't"? I mean, what the hell is it that? Why does the U.S.A. insist on shoving it's views down other countries throats? At least Clinton has wimped out until after the election and by then you government will probably have found a new evil empire to demonize and we Canadians can get back to puffing our obtainable-at-any-tobacco store Cohibas.
Joe Canuck from [205.205.157.21] at Wednesday, Jul. 31, 1996, 7:04pm ET
Just wondering...Howcum Joe Queenan's insight on soup managed to rouse umpteen hundred more responses than Mr. Hendra's comments on the Helms/Burton bill? Surely, a treatise on lunch fare (and I mean no disrespect to Mr. Queenan) hardly bares the significance and consequences of the bill proposed by Messeurs Helms and Burton. Is it that not many Americans know what the bill is abaout; they don't care; or soup really IS a more relevant issue. Like I said, just wondering.
American Girl from mayo.edu at Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, 10:39am ET
The reason more Americans have not yet commented on Mr. Hendra's insightful prose is that not many americans who are looking for the new star bios of Matthew McConnehey are also looking for relevant political thought. Though I may be wrong, I mean I found this article buried deep inside Mr.Showbiz. And I personally do know about the Helms-Burton bill but I have never felt the need to comment on this fact before on the Mr.Showbiz page.
Joe Canuck from [205.205.157.35] at Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, 10:01pm ET
So do Americans look for commentary on soup with their star bios?
BK from [199.172.25.5] at Friday, Aug. 2, 1996, 12:55am ET
I thought Tony Hendra was pretty funny in Spinal Tap. But his writing is about as funny as a venereal wart.
SR from uu.net at Friday, Aug. 2, 1996, 2:11am ET
Speaking of the "state of the country", I took the kidlets to see Hunchback last night - here in Hollywood. Lo & behold, as we turned the corner to get in line, the BOMB (yes Bomb, not Mod) Squad comes screaming down the street to evacuate the area (including the Roosevelt Hotel next door). David Carusso hi tailed it out of there. BUT THE POINT IS, YOU CAN'T EVEN SEEK OUT ENTERTAINMENT WITHOUT BEING THREATENED TO BE BLOWN TO PEICES. What is this world coming to when my four year old knows what a bomb is and that we should run?
david horn from mn.us at Sunday, Aug. 4, 1996, 4:26pm ET
if you think us policies are screwed up...try and accom- lish anything in los angeles!
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Unedited: Tony Hendra Archive Index
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