Home Regulars Features Star Bios Chat Archive

Features

Interviews


J-Pegged
Danny DeVito

The Green Room
Catherine Keener

The Mr. Showbiz Interview
Debutante Directors

Well-Known Writers


Unedited
Tony Hendra
Joe Queenan

Fiction
Serb Heat

Terminal Chic
Shorts Story

Games of Skill


Pick 'Em
Crossword
Plastic Surgery lab

Plus!


Haiku
Their Stories
Because I Said So
Tabloid Headlines




Tuesday, July 9, 1996
Because I Said So

By Ruby Stevens


Send in a problem of your own
Dear Ruby,
My friend--I'll call her Sandy--and I are both involved in the same charitable organization. Sandy and I haven't been friends that long, but we really love each other. I mean, we're close, really--well, at any rate, she's sent me flowers a few times, and that means a lot.

Lately, though, we've been going through some rough times. See, she was out sick for a while, and I took over her duties at the charity--now she wants to take over again as if nothing has changed. But things have changed: she used to be a very beautiful woman, but is now a bit, well, haggard. Not your ideal frontwoman. I, on the other hand, am still young, vivacious, and beautiful, and wealthy men seem to love me. In fact, all men seem to love me.

Also, I really care about this charity, and I'd hate to see our fundraising suffer because of my friend's bagginess. She doesn't seem to see that if I'm willing to use my incredible beauty for the cause, she should take advantage of that. Is it jealousy? How do I approach her without using words like "old" and "decrepitude"?

Charitable Instincts

Dear Charitable Instincts,
Before you approach your friend with words like "old" and "decrepitude," try approaching yourself with words like "loser" and "bad friend." For one thing, charity begins at home, my dear, and for another, if the two of you "really love each other," as you say, why not assume that the deep-pocketed men you're after will love your friend, too?

I must also point out that your description of yourself is stomach-turning: young, vivacious, and beautiful, and all men love you. Sounds more like wishful thinking than truth in advertising to me. Did you ever stop to think that maybe our friend was sending you flowers because she, recognizing you for the emotional invalid that you apparently are, felt sorry for you? As The Temptations once sang so memorably, beauty's only skin deep, yeah, yeah, yeah. To which Ruby can only add: amen.



Joshua from umass.edu at Tuesday, Jul. 9, 1996, 9:30am ET
Man were you hooked by that one! Anyone could see that was
a troll from a mile away! I'll go get the pliers to remove
the fishing line from your cheek!
Shauna from [204.191.147.68] at Wednesday, Jul. 10, 1996, 10:41pm ET
LIFE IS A JOKE--DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY OR IT'LL BE OVER BEFORE YOU GET IT.
or
LIGHTEN UP...LAUGH AT LIFE!
Tim from mci.com at Thursday, Jul. 11, 1996, 3:41pm ET
I think some iof Rikki Lake's producers would love to get the two of you on their show; imagine, instead of taking money from rich men by subjugating yourselves to them you can earn money the new-fahioned way; by humilitating yourselves on national TV!
Rikki Lake from mn.us at Friday, Jul. 12, 1996, 1:52am ET
Oh! Great story for my show!
Alasdiar Graham from ac.uk at Friday, Jul. 12, 1996, 7:39am ET
Dear Charitable instincts,

I can understand your dilemma and I think you already know what you should do. Your friend will simply have to face up to the fact that her haggard appearance means she can't do the job and really shouldn't leave home much. Tell her you'll take round food now and then if she'll stay out of the way. You should always keep in mind that it simply isn't fashionable these days to be seen with someone unattractive - people might think you know them. You have your reputation to consider.

So basically tell the old bag to stay at home and watch tv while you do her job and lead a happy life - it's what any friend would do. By the way I'm a wealthy man myself so if you aren't doing anything one night email me back.
glamour from mn.us at Friday, Jul. 12, 1996, 2:42pm ET
well i feel your sympothy but of course you can not let your friend take over, well if she is bent out of shape and well looks ugly dont let her take over she will ruin everything.
Amy from [199.69.133.126] at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 12:03am ET
Whatever! I can't believe you take yourself so seriously! IIf you are so into the charitable organization thing, why don't you let her try and do the job, if someone's thinking about giving to a charitable organization they aren't going to care what you look like, at least not most of the time. And, if it's a woman, she probably feel a little better about giving to a little "baggy" woman than a "young, vivacious, and beautiful" woman that "all men love". Get over yourself! Every man does not love you, trust me.
Amy from [199.69.133.126] at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 12:05am ET
Whatever! I can't believe you take yourself so seriously! IIf you are so into the charitable organization thing, why don't you let her try and do the job, if someone's thinking about giving to a charitable organization they aren't going to care what you look like, at least not most of the time. And, if it's a woman, she probably feel a little better about giving to a little "baggy" woman than a "young, vivacious, and beautiful" woman that "all men love". Get over yourself! Every man does not love you, trust me.
Me from [203.20.9.68] at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 9:46am ET
Get a life
Me from [203.20.9.68] at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 9:49am ET
Are you gay or sumkink?
Oh, good friends hey? oh yeah, thats what they all say! hehe
um, let 'Sandy' do her own work, it's not your work.....so why bother doing it?
Fabio from [203.20.9.68] at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 10:00am ET
Aren't I the most beautiful man in wll the cosmos?
Meghan from mn.us at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 10:58am ET
Just as it has already been said, don't think about calling your friend old, but yourself a terrible friend. You said she was going through some tough times, so instead of insulting her, help her through them! You also are not the most beautiful woman in the world and all men do not love you. What makes you think your friends appearance will affect the charity? You think when someone sees her they will run screaming away?
Airdancer from [203.120.90.48] at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 12:06pm ET
Grow up, get a life!
Katharine from mn.us at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 2:54pm ET
If she's a real friend it dosen't matter what she looks it's
herself that counts!!!!! If she's not as glomoris as you who cares not as if someone going to run out because she is not as pretty as you and not all men like you they may look for the right stuff and see you care about looks more than anything and they might think that she has a better person-
ality than you. look in the mirror not everyone is as glamoris as you but some people might have better person alitys than you!!!!!!! Think it helps
Katharine from mn.us at Saturday, Jul. 13, 1996, 2:57pm ET
Oh and the "proplems" she has helpher with them it will make her feel like your a real friend
Quasimodo from acu.edu at Wednesday, Jul. 17, 1996, 4:19pm ET
Okay, judging by your letter it's pretty obvious who thinks
that they are All That.*GAG* If you think that your beauty is
what matters you have a problem. I can understand your
concern for the charity, but friendship is more important.
The charity won't last forever and judging by your vanity,
your friendship won't either.
Torquemada from [203.120.90.44] at Wednesday, Jul. 17, 1996, 11:23pm ET
I am stunned that so many people took this letter seriously.
On the other hand, no I'm not. You people have been reading
too much Ann Landers. Wake up!
Ophelia from upenn.edu at Thursday, Jul. 18, 1996, 10:41am ET
Work it, girl.
Duh from shiva.com at Thursday, Jul. 18, 1996, 7:20pm ET
Sharon Stone and Elizabeth Taylor. Duh.
Jezabel from [205.218.97.52] at Thursday, Jul. 18, 1996, 10:19pm ET
Start your own charity, so you may have all the glory!!
Leave this woman to her own duties, it might be all shes got!
Olga from mn.us at Friday, Jul. 19, 1996, 6:19pm ET
Waa, Waa, Waa!!!!!!!!!!
STARDUST from [199.126.236.140] at Sunday, Jul. 21, 1996, 11:46pm ET
WHAT KIND OF SELF-CENTERED IDIOTIC BRAIN-FREEZED
"EVERYBODY LOVES ME" GAYLORD ARE YOU ANYWAY?
Olga from mn.us at Monday, Jul. 22, 1996, 7:33pm ET
Is your life so meaningless you have to tell sob stories to get attention. I wish I could be just like you... I come here daily to read about your hard, hard life........
SELINA from [153.37.83.13] at Monday, Jul. 22, 1996, 9:32pm ET
GOD GET A LIFE.. YOU HAG.
SELINA from [153.37.83.13] at Monday, Jul. 22, 1996, 9:33pm ET
YOUR WHINNING IS MAKING ME ILL
Sphincter Boy from xs4all.nl at Tuesday, Jul. 23, 1996, 3:14pm ET
Look. Don't listen to the bad press you're getting right now. For most women you're nothing but a huge threat. And to men, well, you're a gift from God. I'd really like a date with you.
SPACEMAN from [193.149.79.131] at Wednesday, Jul. 24, 1996, 12:51pm ET
Get a life HAG how can you say that about another person
you sound very insecure to me Babe...........
BossLady from [207.19.138.20] at Wednesday, Jul. 24, 1996, 8:20pm ET
Sad and pathetic. Don't any of you have spellcheck?
Godfrey Almanac from mn.us at Friday, Jul. 26, 1996, 6:04pm ET
Hoo deux u think U R. That's it, I cancelling my donation check. I don't care what favours you gave me! ( Can it be that there aren't any more realistic letters in the archives?)
TAL&SHARON from [205.164.141.31] at Saturday, Jul. 27, 1996, 10:33am ET
YOU ARE UGLY TOO!! SO SHUT UP!!!!!!
TAL&SHARON from [205.164.141.31] at Saturday, Jul. 27, 1996, 10:33am ET
YOU ARE UGLY TOO!! SO SHUT UP!!!!!!
Vulipua from mn.us at Sunday, Jul. 28, 1996, 8:41pm ET
All of you are losers!!!!!
TheMan from [203.12.42.125] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 1:04am ET
Beautiful Lady, eh? Don't suppose you care for a date?!!!
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.34] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 5:21am ET
Sounds like everyone's getting on your case. Well, you must relize- It's the 90's! People don't go around calling themselves "beautiful", while dogging their "best friend". Besides-- a mirror can't reflect your image!!! If you are such good friends, why don't you make a night of going out and getting make-overs & to the salon!! It will help her look more beautiful than she already is, and it will help your friendship!

Guys might think you're beautiful at first glance, but once they get to know you, they just might turn the other cheek. Have you ever thought of that??

You need to wake up and realize- it's what's inside that counts. I would like you to call her, "old" in about 10 years, then look in the mirror. Don't be alarmed if you start to cry.
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.34] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 5:22am ET
:)
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.34] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 5:23am ET
I just LOVE this advice column!!!!!!!! Don't you??
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.34] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 5:23am ET
I just LOVE this advice column!!!!!!!! Don't you??
Justice from [198.83.18.80] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 6:40am ET
Please,Whine for us.And get over your crisis.
Julia from [204.38.255.65] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 11:04am ET
You are one sorry little person if you yhink you are all that. Why doesn't someone get your head out of the clouds and give you a mirror.
Megan from [204.38.255.65] at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 11:14am ET
LOSER!! Get a life or something. Holy superficial.
Fiesty from picker.com at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 3:13pm ET
Girl Please! As if...! I really can't believe you think that U R all that. It's one thing to think you have it goin' on...but it's another thing to put your friends down to "try" and prove it. You are the one in need of some charity...to get a real personality!
Little Lovely from muohio.edu at Monday, Jul. 29, 1996, 4:45pm ET
hello, far-side. haven't we met?
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.41] at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 2:53am ET
Little lovely: You sound familiar. Did you like my entry? :)

P.S.- I have something else to say to you, Miss letter writer! You are the most conceited person! It sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who is ugly!
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.41] at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 3:00am ET
All you jerks who gave the advice to dump her "ugly" friend, you need to just NOT talk because you obviously DON'T know what you're talking about! You don't even know this "Sandy", so she might be a beautiful person! And if not- she's probably a beautiful person inside!

P.S.- RUBY: I would like to here YOUR opinion of OUR opinions! PLS. thanx.
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.41] at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 3:01am ET
Little lovely: You sound familiar. Did you like my entry? :)

P.S.- I have something else to say to you, Miss letter writer! You are the most conceited person! It sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who is ugly!
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.41] at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 3:01am ET
Little lovely: You sound familiar. Did you like my entry? :)

P.S.- I have something else to say to you, Miss letter writer! You are the most conceited person! It sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who is ugly!
Wena from compuserve.com at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 8:36am ET
How pathetic! At least it's a good laugh.
Wena from compuserve.com at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 8:46am ET
Oh, and BossLady, are you there? Thankyou for your comment-they were my sentiments exactly!
XENA from ap.org at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 2:54pm ET
EVERYONE
SHUT UP
R. Nixon from xs4all.nl at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 4:07pm ET
I don't give a God picking f.ck about Sandy. She sounds like a loser. Everybody advising Sandy's 'friend' to look in the mirror ought to take a long look in a mirror themselfs. You probebly won't like what you see. Why don't you all appreciate a beautiful person? I am beautiful, but I feel discriminated. What about my constitutional rights!
kristina from mn.us at Tuesday, Jul. 30, 1996, 6:01pm ET
You are so arrogant to think "all men love you". Let your friend do her job, even if she is "haggard". Charity-givers don't care what the collectors look like!
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.38] at Wednesday, Jul. 31, 1996, 1:28am ET
R. Nixon: Get a life. We're not saying it's "bad" to be beautiful! If you are-great! Just don't tell people you're better than them! That's all we're asking. 'K'
curious from compuserve.com at Wednesday, Jul. 31, 1996, 8:04am ET
fARSIDE, why are you taking this Charitable Instincts loony for real? Either she's playing a joke, or she's for real in which case she is in DESPERATE need of a psychiatrist!

PS. Do you sleep or are you on a different time? I'm 10 hrs before or 14 hrs after whereever this is getting sent to. It's 10 pm at the moment.Are you behind time, too or do you have insomnia?
Psycho from [207.96.2.62] at Wednesday, Jul. 31, 1996, 4:13pm ET
There is really no reason for those with beauty-challenged features to avoid the public eye any longer. Your local shopping mall carries a variety of shopping bags. If the b.c. person picks up a variety, they can then color coordinate their faceware with their clothing.
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.143] at Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, 12:42am ET
curious: It's just fun.

P.S.-Are you asking ME if I have insomnia?? I don't- I just like staying up and coming here. :) Do I know you, or something?
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.143] at Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, 12:44am ET
curious: I'm only 1 hour behind this time. I like staying up. :)
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.143] at Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, 12:44am ET
curious: I'm only 1 hour behind this time. I like staying up. :)
Jane from mn.us at Friday, Aug. 2, 1996, 11:24am ET
*can't comment because she's laughing too hard*
ChuckHater from mn.us at Friday, Aug. 2, 1996, 4:05pm ET
I think you are a very conceited, stuck-up person. If every man is in love with you does that mean that all gay men dig you too?
JeNe from [204.227.174.152] at Saturday, Aug. 3, 1996, 1:55am ET
I REALLY, REALLY hope you are just kidding because if you aren't then you are one sick conceited puppy, and don't deserve a friend like Sandy.
Lori from mn.us at Saturday, Aug. 3, 1996, 11:06am ET
Can you say "conceited"? If your so beautiful how come you work at a charity instead of being a model?
GET A LIFE!!!!!
Levis from mn.us at Saturday, Aug. 3, 1996, 4:31pm ET
Seems to me you need someone to toot your horn so you don't have to toot your own. Grow up.
Platypus from uu.net at Saturday, Aug. 3, 1996, 7:45pm ET
I can't believe how arrogant and self-centered you are! Okay-you may be beautiful,you're friend may be repulsively ugly(though I doubt it) but that is still no reason to talk down about her and insult her. If you think that all there is to life is looks, you need to learn a little more about life. I only pity Sandy for having to put up with you.
Netdemon from netcom.com at Sunday, Aug. 4, 1996, 6:55pm ET
I had two friends who were having the same problem
beleive it or not. The answer is a yeast infection.
You should ask her if she has one and then physically take care of it for her. Problem solved. You can thank me later.
Cat from in-addr.arpa at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 11:27am ET
It sounds to me that you are not a true friend. Friends stand beside each other and don't try to put each other down by saying that they are "old" and "decrepitude". Looks to me honey that you need to re-evaluate what you think is a friendship and start with yourself first.
Cat from in-addr.arpa at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 11:34am ET
I understand being beautiful and everything, but face it girl, are all the wealthy men after you because of your looks are because of the wonderful thing that you being a girl can give them. When you say things like that, it makes yourself sound very cheap to the people who read it. If this person you call a friend is smart she will drop you like a brick falling into the Atlantic Ocean. I know I would.
By the way have you ever heard about the person that they tied a brick around his ankle and threw him into the ocean. But before they threw him in they told him to see if he could catch the brick before it hit the bottom of the ocean. Try it and let me know if it works.
Kat from [207.78.11.130] at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 3:44pm ET
Rudeness!
Kat from [207.78.11.130] at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 3:44pm ET
Someone talk to me!
Queer from [204.179.112.195] at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 4:26pm ET
Hi Kat
fARSIDE from [204.71.98.34] at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 4:33pm ET
Cat: AMEN!
Tshirt&jeans from [165.238.196.201] at Monday, Aug. 5, 1996, 4:57pm ET
It's pathetic that some people on this board latched on to her side, hoping to get lucky....don't you agree?
Tshirt&jeans from [165.238.197.68] at 1:18am ET
Do you know that I'm alive?
Name:

Have some advice of your own? Post it here:


Because I Said So Archive Index


Copyright 1996 Starwave Corporation. All rights reserved. Do not duplicate or redistribute in any form.