8. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
The room is dimly lit. A FIGURE is asleep in a bed. A PHONE RINGS.
The following conversation takes place with shots cut between each character as they talk...um, yell at each other through the phone.SHADOWY FIGURE By the annoying laughter of Vince Vaughn! Who can that be at
(wakes up, grumpily)
this hour?(dawning realization) Hey, didn't we do this earlier--?(picks up phone) Hello?
There's THAT DAMN LAUGH again. (The COUNT's, not VINCE VAUGHN's)COUNT CONTINUITY Of course we did this earlier, you cloaked clod! This is a
recreation of the last scene! No one knows who Jerome Robbins
is anymore, anyway! We've updated it so the MTV generation
will read the column!
SHADOWY FIGURE You--What have you done with original thought?Oh, it's safe. For now. But within mere moments, we'll have COUNT CONTINUITY
written the entire thing over again with only one small change.I'll stop you, you cinematic fiend! SHADOWY FIGURE
It's already done, you fool. COUNT CONTINUITY
SHADOWY FIGURE You said one small change.
(stunned)(he listens closely into the phone) Wait--what's that noise?
Some Odds and Ends
(NOTE: Due to circumstances beyond our control, last week's
episode of The Phantom Grimace was pre-empted by the episode of the Brady
Bunch where Alice gets the canister of radioactive waste in the mail, Marcia
thinks its hair gel, and the normal farcical chaos takes hold. We
apologize for any trauma suffered by longtime TPG viewers as we join this
new episode, already in regress. -The Editors)
Hi there, kids! It's that grinning maniac, the Widgemeister General, once more into the breach after consuming fifteen Nutrageous candy bars with all the gusto of a hound dog. Welcome back to the column that dares the answer the questions that no one else knows exists. Like for example:
Hollywood.com is doing this bit now where you can vote for the best trailers of 1998. They're even giving a "golden hitch" (think about it) to the winners. Not a bad little stunt, eh? I just thought it was interesting that the trailers I voted for the most (Dark City, Psycho, There's Something About Mary, Wild Things) belonged to films that I really could have lived without. Sure the morphing sequences were cool in Dark City, but it's a shame the story was reduced to Telekinesis Boy vs. The Floating Cenobites. And we all know what I think of Psycho. Thank you to all the people who wrote in trying to change my mind. You should know better by now. The amazing phenom that is Something About Mary just went right below me. And as for Wild Things, well, let's just say it's good to see Bill Murray working. And yes, to answer your question, I do think Denise Richards has nice breasts. Where else do you think most of the one and one-half stars I gave the film came from? Those two and Murray's performance. And why else do you think HBO is probably planning a Wild Things series?
And speaking of Bill Murray, can anyone tell me where Rushmore is playing? It doesn't get wide release until February, but it's still up for the Oscars because it started its Oscar engagement on the 11th. And some buzz (see below) has Big Bill as a nom. Sigh. It's times like this I wish I lived in Los Angeles County. Then, of course, I come to my senses.
And I would like to state for the record that Star Trek IX was not as bad as everyone's making it out to be. Granted, Riker does work his vaunted maneuver using an old Atari 2600 joystick, which cost it some points--but whatever. And F. Murray Abraham is certainly no Ricardo Montalban, that's for sure.
And now, lest we get lost completely with no regard for sanity or continuity (much like Marvel Comics), I announce unto you:
The Award Frenzy Begineth!
Oh my God. They're coming fast and furious and they can't be avoided. Guess what we're going to talk about, boys and girls? That's right, awards are going to be kicking butt from now till Oscar time. But still, it's all over for awards being shouted this year. So we have a chance to relax. At least until the 3rd of January, when the National Society of Film Critics come out with their bit. But for now, a few observations about the carnage thus far.
Cameron Diaz wins Best Actress for There's Something About Mary. I can barely type that with a straight face. This is from the New York Film Critics Circle. I can't imagine taking them seriously at this point. Don't get me wrong, I really like Cameron Diaz. It's just that sometimes her taste in films needs to be reviewed. The garbled transmission that was A Life Less Ordinary. The movie that made the Farrelly Brothers look like Merchant-Ivory, Very Bad Things. And this subpar crowd pleaser which was really funny about 10% of the time, then really, really not the rest of the time. I checked to see if maybe it was because it was a hometown type of thing, but to no avail. She's originally from Long Beach. I'm happy she's got something to go on her mantle, but it's still pretty funny. Somebody really likes hair gel, is all I can figure.
Bill Murray gets Best Supporting Actor for Rushmore. He's only been nominated for the Golden Globes and Golden Satellites (and no, that's not the group that recorded that "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" song) but has won the honor from the Los Angeles Film Critics Circle. I haven't seen Rushmore yet, but I can tell you my thoughts on Bill Murray. His Groundhog Day is one of the funniest films on record and he was the only reason to watch Wild Things. All right, yes, Denise Richards' breasts, fine, yes, they're all well and good. It would be nice to see Bill get a nod on Oscar morning at the very least.
Central Station kicks butt all around. Man, if it's not the star of the film, Montenegro, winning or nomming for Best Actress, it's the film itself racking up wins. Can someone who has seen this let me know if it's really that good? Life is Beautiful (as you've no doubt seen announced in this very space) is my favorite film of the year thus far (I've only seen 51 at last count), and if someone would show this bloody thing nearby maybe I could make a comparison. Somebody help me out--I need a report from the field.
Where did Oprah go? Formerly almost ready to walk up and get her Oscar now, for Beloved, the vast array of good performances by women this year has left Oprah in the dust. The fact that the movie was received with mixed news and incomprehensible reviews (see earlier issues for the full story) didn't help matters. But oh well. I wonder if she'll be nominated at this stage of the game.
And lastly, where all the bribes? I'm a critic. I'm here. I'm willing to accept any bribes for my say in what are the best films of the year. They won't influence my decision at all, but it'd be nice to get some candy tins, movies on video, big boxes of pistachios with "A Bug's Life" scrawled on each shell, you know--the usual. Still, I check my mailbox everyday--no bribes. Oh well.
I would like, and this is a request to any Academy members or Foreign press members out there, to know about the most ridiculous film to get pushed for an Oscar or Golden Globe. If you had a bit of paraphernalia they sent you (a Batman and Robin cold drink holder in case Arnie gets tapped for Best Supporting or maybe even a The Avengers kilt just in case Connery gets tapped for Best Supporting), I'd love to know about it. I hear that Two Girls and a Guy is being pushed for some awards, and I'd like to hear someone top the utter silliness of that.
Just humor me.
But anyway, it's Christmas Eve now, so everybody have a happy whatever, drink some espresso and tell your Uncle Barry to quit juggling the cat and have some coffee. Have a good one.
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![]() ![]() Widgett is a figment of humanity's collective imagination given flesh, operating from a secret underwater fortress in an undisclosed location off the coast of Iowa. He is the founder of the Sleep Deprivation Institute and an active member of the Secret Society of Guerilla Ontologists. When he's not championing independent films or complaining, he spends his dwindling free time writing short fiction, poetry, novels, essays, screenplays and children's books under a pseudonym. He also does weddings and bar mitzvahs. His rates are quite reasonable, as he can normally be found wandering the halls of Corona HQ with a sign around his neck that says, "Will Write For Food." Previous issues of Widgett's column are also available. |