Director's Cut
Last uploaded: September 24, 1998

Who Let This Guy Back In?

Hi there boys and girls.  It's the Widgemonger back with another dose of two-fisted zaniness for your dancing and dining pleasure.  No sooner does Pat get back from that archaeology dig in downtown Pittsburgh than he has to run off and get married.  So--joyous tidings in advance to our jefe grande, the Patman.  We're trying to do the best we can to keep the ship afloat.  I don't know though: Deadpool's already put a scratch on Pat's favorite Barry Manilow CD and I've eaten all the pudding in the fridge.  But we'll make it through somehow.  Especially since what we're really here to talk about is:

Summer '98 Wrap-up: The Agony and the Agony

That's right.  Thank God it's fall, because all the movies I was truly looking forward to were letdowns and the ones that I had previously had no opinion about became the season's salvation.  And yeah, I know that nine of the films released this summer topped $100 million.  And yeah, I know that everybody got a piece of the pie.  Great.  But what could have been a slew of impressive films stumbled all over themselves trying to figure out what the audience wanted instead of just being what they were supposed to be all along.  Either that or they weren't supposed to be anything.  They were fluff, either recovering from a major plotectomy or born without any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  I won't mention any names, because that would be indiscreet.  Deep Impact, Avengers, and Godzilla, respectively.

Now, what do I know about summer movies?  Should we listen to the box office?  Who am I talking to anyway?  Well, let's take a look at the scores, people.  Granted, I didn't see everything this summer--but I made a fairly decent stab at it for someone who never sleeps and is on some modicum of a budget.  Also, the pre-summer event films have been included.  And one indy, since it was better than most major studio fare anyway.

Widge's Summer Scorecard

Armageddon

I was hoping for: The action side of Deep Impact
I got: Pretty much exactly what I hoped for: mindless action; Steve Buscemi to say funny things; and an utter disregard for physics
What the critics said: It's nothing like what we hoped for: it's nothing but mindless action with Steve Buscemi to say funny things and an utter disregard for physics
What the critics missed: The point
Box Office: $188 million (at summer's end); $195.8 million to date

The Avengers

I was hoping for: A decent flick
I got: As Tom Waits once said, 'A spent piece of used jet trash.'
What the critics said: (stunned silence)
What Warner Brothers said: (sobbing and crying) Please God, just one franchise!  That's not much to ask for is it?
Box Office: $22.9 million to date

BASEketball

I was hoping for: Not much.  Maybe a few guffaws here and there.
I got: A movie that I laughed my ass off at.
What the critics said: We're not laughing.  No, really.  We're *snigger* not laughing.
What the audiences said: Forget this, let's go see Cameron Diaz with sperm in her hair again!
Box Office: $6.9 million (at summer's end)

Blade

I was hoping for: A decent vampire flick
I got: The only film this summer other than Ryan to live up to its complete potential
What the critics said: Even Siskel and Ebert liked it. What's up with that?
What I never thought I would say again: So when's the sequel?
Box Office: $61.3 million to date

Deep Impact

I was hoping for: The best movie this year
I got: A shadow of its former self.  "Oceans rise...cities fall... subtlety dies."
What the critics said: Wow.  A summer movie that tries to be a profound statement on humanity.
What the critics missed: The original screenplay, which actually was a profound statement on humanity, but thanks to rewrites could only try to be one
Box Office: $140 million (at summer's end and to date)

Godzilla

I was hoping for: A decent flick
I got: A plotless, soul-less monstrosity that had characters I was hoping would die--quickly and painfully
What the critics said: Wow.  That sucked.  At least we have The Avengers to look forward to.
What Devlin and Emmerich missed: When you spend thirty minutes on a Jurassic Park homage, it makes a person long for Robert Hays' character from Airplane! to tell them a story.
Box Office: $135 million (at summer's end)

The Mask of Zorro

I was hoping for: A decent flick
I got: An above-average film like Mom used to make, with swords, villains, a heroine, and a plot!
What the critics said: Lemme get this straight: you made a fun movie?  Who's your demographics for this?
What the audiences said: (in Homer Simpson's voice) Mmmmm...Catherine Zeta Jones.
Box Office: $85 million (at summer's end); $90.2 million to date

Mulan

I was hoping for: A decent Disney flick
I got: Eddie Murphy (thankfully) but otherwise: a whole lot of average Disneyisms
What the critics said: All it has is Eddie Murphy and a whole lot of average Disneyisms--but it's better than Cats, I want to see it again and again!
What the critics missed: That if we don't honestly criticize the mouse, how will he get better?
Box Office: $117 million (at summer's end); $119 million to date

The Negotiator

I was hoping for: Two incredible actors eating up the script, the scenery, etc.
I got: All of the above plus a bonus: a trailer that gave away a major plot point
What the critics said: Damn, Kevin Spacey and Sam Jackson kick ass.
What the audiences said: Forget this, let's go see Cameron Diaz with sperm in her hair again!
Box Office: $42.6 million to date

Pi

I was hoping for: A kooky wild ride into mysticism, science fiction and high stakes finance
I got: David Lynch on lithium.  It was great.
What the critics said: Somebody actually spent time on a story for a film?  Whoa.
What the studios said: Somebody give this boy a desk!  [Resist the evil, Darren!  Resist!]
Box Office: $2.7 million to date

Saving Private Ryan

I was hoping for: Incredibly destructive catharsis
I got: The best film of the year...by far
What the critics said: Spielberg, you have once again proved your godhood.  Your laurels, sir.
What the audiences said: (stunned silence)
Box Office: $155 million (at summer's end); $178 million to date

Six Days, Seven Nights

I was hoping for: A damn funny movie
I got: Harrison Ford, Anne Heche, a so-so screenplay and proof of God's existence in the form of Jacqueline Obradors
What the critics said: Don't feel bad, Mr. Ford.  You'll get that romantic comedy you're looking for someday.
What the audiences said: Aw, man.  They put all the funny parts in the trailer again!  I told you we should have forgotten this and gone to see...
Box Office: $73.5 million to date

There's Something About Mary

I was hoping for: The funniest movie of the year
I got: The knowledge that I am one of five people in this universe who actually found the film, on the whole, overrated and quite unfunny
What the critics said: We don't get it either, Widge.
What the audiences said: HAHAHAHA!  It's the hair gel scene for the fifth time!  Woohoo!
Box Office: $116 million (at summer's end); $147 million to date

The Truman Show

I was hoping for: A very profound film
I got: A film delving into modern society and our addiction to TV (b.k.a. Spawn of Satan)
What the critics said: Hand Jim Carrey his Oscar now!
What the critics missed: Tom Hanks
Box Office: $124 million (at summer's end); $125.3 million to date

The X-Files

I was hoping for: Mulder and Scully in a larger than life movie
I got: A bad hour long episode stretched to movie length and a good nap
What the critics said: I'm sure there's brilliance in here...um, somewhere...
What the non-X-Philes missed after the credits rolled: Their admission money
Box Office: $83.7 million to date

There you have it, folks.  It's all over but the screaming and now the fall begins with a damn good plate of picks.  What does all this mean in the long run?  Not much.  It's like I always tell people: don't trust critics.  We're a bunch of degenerate whackos with no lives--how do you think we get to see so many movies?  And remember too: no matter how vehemently I denounce something, remember it's only my opinion.  I encourage you to go out and form the same opinion on your own.

Well, anyway, the closing credits are rolling.  It might be Michael Bolton this time, so you better high tail it out of here.  But until next time we meet--this is Widge, begging the new Mr. Roarke to "say 'ultra-violence' just once, please, just once!"  Now get on with your lives.

[Special thanks to Dark Horizons; USA Today; Boxoffice Statistics for the numbers.]

Widgett
Constitutional Anarchist, Custodian of the Multiverse
Coming Attractions

who's standing in for

Patrick Sauriol
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