1. INT. NON-DESCRIPT BACK ROOM - NIGHT
A stuffy, smoke-filled storage room
that looks as if it's being used for an impromptu meeting of some sort.
A circular wooden table takes up most of the room, surrounded by MEN WITH
THEIR FACES IN SHADOW. The table is covered with pieces of paper
that they shuffle back and forth among themselves, grumbling.
A SHADOWY FIGURE crashes through the
wall and window and wraps his cloak around him, obscuring everyone's view
as the dust settles.
What Hath Patrick Wrought?
That's right, you bunch of raving loonies! Not a hoax! Not a parallel dimension! Not a nightmare caused by bad sushi! Apparently my Jay Leno-esque stint on Director's Cut paid off with my own column. So it's the Widgeman back with some more two-fisted insanity to regale you Coronites with. That's right. I figure if you go to the trouble of having an opinion, you might as well fashion into a blunt instrument and knock people around with it. Now I suppose you're wondering, "Widge, what does your column mean to me, the consumer?" Well, Patrick took me aside and he said, "Hey Widge, are you sure you can keep up your rantings and ravings on a weekly basis for an extended period of time?" So I put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Well, Pat, it's like this: for every good screenplay that gets rewritten out of oblivion, for every film that gets hacked to pieces by studios on behalf of some shmoes in a test screening, for every time someone actually tries to defend the Batman films--I'll be there. It is my sworn duty." So I can promise you this: The Phantom Grimace will be the strongest, most jaded and bitter column about movies that you can get without a prescription. And if you disagree, mail back the unused portion and receive double your cynicism back. Is that a deal or what?
But enough of that nonsense. Try this nonsense on for size:
The Theory of Relative Development
I've been working on my Master's Thesis. I wanted to share it with everyone since there are people even on the Corona staff who are gabberflasted at the news we bring. For example, here's some little factoids for you. Deadpool and I do a lot of page drafts for Corona. Some people have expressed concern that there are certain pages that aren't up yet. I thought you deserved to know the state of our minds, which is in essence, the state of Hollywood today.
Deadpool has a list of 175 drafts he is currently working on. I have a list of 200 that are "in the queue" for me to do. That's 375 individual films that are in some stage of development in Hollywood. And he and I are agog and aghast that you fine scoopers out there are sending us info on films that we haven't even heard of. What does this mean? That we want you to stop sending info? Hell, no. Have some coffee if you're thinking that. It means that we must ask ourselves probably what you're going to ask me, which is "Widge, where in holy hell are these things coming from? They're multiplying like those rabbit things from The Dark Crystal!" Indeed. Here's what I came up with. Follow along in your books and turn the page when you hear an unnamed WB executive having a panic attack about Eyes Wide Shut. Ready?
"AGGGGGGHHHH!!!! AGGGGHHHH!!!! *SOB* WHY GOD WHY???"
Now, here on page one we come to the first part of my theory. The Remake/Sequel Hypothesis. This postulates that every film that has ever been made has either had a remake or a sequel placed in some stage of development. Titanic 2? Yep, they talked about it. Casablanca 2? In the script stages. Wizard of Oz 2? Rod Steiger wrote it (although that's a script I want to get my hands on). Remakes of Casablanca and every Hitchcock film you can name were at one time simmering somewhere. So consider this: that one film that you think is more sacred that your complete set of Flintstones drinking glasses...is in development as a remake or has a sequel percolating somewhere. Name it. It's in development. So says the Remake/Sequel Hypothesis. Next page.
"MY ULCER, MY ULCER!!!! DAMN YOU, STANLEY!!!!!"
Next: The TV Show Hypothesis. The Avengers. Lost in Space. Upcoming? The Mod Squad. My Favorite Martian. And what's next on the horizon? Between season feature films that are nothing but bad episodes drawn out to an hour and forty minutes. I won't mention what started the precedent for this, because that would be indiscrete. The X-Files. Think about it. Fantasy Island, Love Boat, even Gilligan's Island have all been in stages of development at one time or another. So I propose that every single TV show that has ever existed is in some stage of development hell somewhere in Hollywood. Think of any of them, even the bad ones: Manimal, Misfits of Science, whatever. I bet you money somebody's got a file locked away in a cabinet in an undisclosed location. Fear it. Now, next page.
"HE WANTS TO DO WHAT IN THE TRAILER? MY HEART!!!! OH, MY HEART!!!!!!"
Lastly, The Literary Item Hypothesis. You don't even have to be a really successful novelist to get the film rights purchased for your material. Can't hurt, though. Take Stephen King, for instance. I can't remember how long ago it was, but I'm fairly certain it hasn't changed. Every piece of fiction he had ever published was purchased or in development. That's right. Every short story, novel, the whole shebang. There were at least two short story collections out at that time, so do the math. But even unknowns are getting this treatment. Unpublished novels by first time novelists are getting five to six figures for their work. [Widge looks at his manuscript, then to the phone which is noticeably not ringing] So anything you see out on the bookstore racks, even those Harlequin romance jobs, yes, are in development. I swear I believe this to be true.
So what's my point? The Theory of Relative Development states that there are more films in development currently than there have been made up to this point. Hyperbole? Perhaps. But consider that 140 films were scheduled for release between the end of the summer season and the end of the year. Think about how many lifeless hulks were left in the roach motel that is Development Hell. They had to come from somewhere, right?
What worries me most about this theory (notice it's only a theory, mind you) is that in an industry where so many products (i.e. studiospeak for "films") are being shoved out the door and vying for screentime (and merchandise tie-ins), it's so easy to put out a half-assed effort and then feign incredulity when it falls over, because as a wise woman once told me: "You can't sit on half an ass." Maybe this is the way it's always worked, though. Say the ratio of films that enter development to films that make the theater is 10:1. That would mean 1400 films gave up their lives so that their brothers and sisters might try to make some money. And the fodder has to come from somewhere, right? I certainly don't want there to be a decrease in films being worked on, since that keeps us here at Corona in business, but I do want there to be less of a tendency to leap at any idea that comes along, like the "It's Die Hard on/in (a) [fill in vehicle/locale/city here]" pitch. I just want there to be an emphasis on quality and not quantity when these films are being worked on. Is that so much to ask? We can only hope that they will see the light. Oh, look! A message is incoming.
What's that? Two supposedly funny movies coming out are ripping off Scream, announced within days of each other? My work here will never be complete.