Summer 1999 Preview (A Modest Proposal)
Hey there, boys and girls. It's your old pal the Widgemeister on the mic. That's right. Pat's out of town for a week to attend the RAF 12th Brigade reunion in Manchester. So the good folks at Corona bribed me with a big 12-pack of Surge to take time-out from my exhausting duties as Head of Shuffleboard Services for the Sleep Deprivation Institute and work some of my weary magic here.
And it figures--Pat's not gone a day before a whole cornucopia, nay, a veritable plethora, no indeed, a damn gaggle of bizarre information comes hurtling down from Hollywood much like Satan did in that Milton poem you refused to read in college.
See, here's what's happening. This summer proved to Hollywood
that two movies that are essentially about the same subject can come out
within weeks of each other and still do well at the box office. Yes,
we're talking about Armageddon and Deep Impact here.
The latter has already made back its budget and then some and the former
should recoup its cost sometime after the turn of the century. But
still--they were both formidable box office draws, right? So bang!
It was only a matter of time before studios looking over their rivals'
release schedules for next year would greenlight movies that are really
only derivations of ones already on the schedule! Look over this
info we've received over the past two days, and tell me that my theory's
not right. We could be witnessing the twilight of cinematic originality
here, people.
Kurt Russell as Quint?!
With Disney bringing us Meg next year and Warner Brothers working Deep Blue Sea as well, you'd think there would be plenty of sharks in the water. Nah. Universal has decided to step up to the plate and is very quietly developing a follow-up to their "recreation" of Psycho. They are in discussions with John Carpenter to helm a similar "recreation" of Jaws, using pretty much the same screenplay. An insider source says, "We may have to bring Peter [Benchley] and Carl [Gottlieb] in for a few rounds to 'update' certain things. I mean, Baywatch has changed the way people look at beaches." If the new Psycho does well at the box office, expect the new Jaws to get greenlit faster than Mr. Benchley could turn out a book about killer eels. What does Spielberg think of all this? "Good luck," he tells Carpenter in the latest Variety. "The original almost killed me."
And I don't even wanna start talking about Food of the Gods 3: The
Aquatic Breed. Pray that goes directly to video.
To Be or Else?!
First, 1996's Romeo + Juliet proved that you can have some fun
with the classics. And now we've got a whole new subgenre on our
hands: Action Classics. Christopher Lambert's starring in a sci-fi
version of Beowulf later this year and 13th Warrior, according
to Crichton, was his version of Beowulf--see what I'm saying here?
Then in 1999, Jet Li's going to star in Romeo Must Die, which is
West Side Story but without...um, any of the elements of West Side Story.
Don't expect him to snap and whistle, is what I mean, despite the fact
his name is Jet. Our sources tell us that Jerry Bruckheimer wants
to go up against the new Romeo with Lear, an action-packed
retelling of the story in a generic Blade Runner-esque time framework
starring--get this--Arnold Schwarzenegger. Michael Bay wants to direct.
Reportedly, Arnie loves the script and might work for less than his usual
asking price, which is normally the GNP of a Third World country.
Expect this to fasttrack shortly, folks.
No One Expects Who?!
With two Joan of Arc biopics in the works and Crusade hanging
out somewhere in the ether, two more studios want to get medieval on your
ass. Last week, Paramount picked up a script called Torquemada
for mid-six figures. And what should happen this week? New
Line countered by announcing Heretics. Both movies are focused
on the head of the Inquisition, the Big T himself. Max Von Sydow
is eyeing the lead in Torquemada, whereas Armand Assante is reportedly
in talks for the lead in Heretics -- both men hoping to get the
role that Mel Brooks made legendary. Torquemada deals with
the life of the head torturer from womb to tomb and is written from the
perspective of an intern torturer, using his diaries as the basis.
It's the "human side of this religious zealot's butchering life," so we've
been told. Heretics is going at it from an action/thriller
standpoint. Details are sketchy but Jan de Bont is said to be in
discussions. Keep your eyes peeled and right here for more updates
when we get them.
When Does the Pain Stop?!
And don't get me started about Star Fleet Academy coming up against Star Wars, Episode One with DiCaprio as the young Kirk; the new Jellison adaptation Apathy going up against IQ83; or even the off-Broadway musical Saddam & Me going up against The King and I. It's just too depressing.
Here's my modest proposal, and no, it's not that white shirts should start consuming each other. Remember, my fellow moviegoers--if we didn't want those movies in the theater, they wouldn't be there. It's not like the studios make them for their health. Well, medically speaking, anyway.
And hey, studio guys--I'm happy that there's room for the world to end twice in one summer (Godzilla doesn't count since the only thing to end there was the possibility of a quality franchise) but why don't we try something else for a change? I know that all the stories have been told already, but give some fresh takes on them a try. Search those script vaults of yours--I'm sure there's got to be something down there which doesn't involve a big screen version of a 60's TV show. Come on, say it with me: "original idea." See? I knew you could.
Sigh. Well, I'm out of time. But until next time we meet--this is Widge, wandering the streets of Hollywood with a lantern and a crowbar, saying "Keep your feet on the ground, and your hands where I can see them."
Widgett
Destroyer, Chief Cook and Bottle Washer
Coming Attractions
who's standing in for
Patrick Sauriol
Creator, Chief Content Writer & Director
Coming Attractions
Got some neato items from the shoot? Parking passes, photos from the set?? Poster images, or the latest hot script
making the rounds???
Send them to our mailing address:
Coming Attractions
FAX: (604) 517-4405
We'll do our best to get 'em on the page. (Just remember to poke air holes in the parcel if it's alive -- thanks.)
That's why we're here.
7971 Burnfield Crescent
Burnaby, B.C., CANADA
V5E 2B8
![]() |
Looking for a cute, cuddly and completely unique gift?
Come browse the selection of designer ornamental teddy bears - and say hello to Klondike Kate bear, Sherlock Holmes bear, and Grandma Bear! Each bear is lovingly hand-crafted, meticulously detailed - and no two are alike! Visit the Kootenay Bear Necessities online boutique to learn more! |
![]() |
Enter the world of Technopolis!
Aliens, gangsters and flying roadsters from the 50's at your favorite comic book store! Published bi-monthly by Caliber Comics - issue #4 out mid-June! To order by phone, call 1-888-22-COMIC. To preview the comic book check out the Technopolis website. |
Previous issues of Director's Cut are also available.