Director's Cut
Last uploaded: October 2, 1998

But First, Some Thank You's

Hi you bunch of carbon-based life forms!  Welcome back to the column that defies the undefiable.  No, not Dear Abby, you freaks.  The Director's Cut.  And once again, I'm your host, your friendly neighborhood elitist, the Widgenator.  I got a postcard from Pat and Mrs. Pat the other day, and they said to tell all of you hi, they're having a great time visiting Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  We're still holding out here without the Patman okay.  Deadpool flooded the studio's bathroom, don't ask me how or why, but me and Roc have been filling sandbags and I think the situation's under control.  No worries, right?

Anyway, we've had some amazing news this week.  That's right, George Lucas and company announced the title of the first chapter in the Star Wars saga.  And most of the universe cringed because, well, let's face it--fit in with the plot or not, it's a really sorry title. The Phantom Menace, well, I can't remember who said it first, but it's a reject from the old Flash Gordon serials.  "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of Vader...The Phantom Menace knows...!" Whatever.  I'll still go see the damn thing the afternoon it comes out, if not sooner.  And so will you, so quit making that face.  But I'm not here to complain about that.  I'm here first of all to thank all those scoopers who were certain that we had the news, but sent it to us anyway.  I've tried to post a complete list here, but if I missed anyone, please don't be upset.  We got a few.

Special thanks goes out to 'Blizzard,' 'Raised by Wolves,' 'Twit182,' 'Bizarro Bob Harras,' 'MisterX,' 'Michael,' 'Eugene Oregon,' 'Slinger,' 'Mrs. Chewie,' 'LaToya,' 'Recon,' 'Scooter Spy,' 'Stevie the Copulating Wombat,' 'Glinda,' 'Unholy1,' 'DiseGen,' the boys at Kappa Kappa Epsilon, 'Bob Barker's Evil Twin,' 'Homeboy Prime,' the pizza delivery guy, 'Juanita,' 'Hannibal_Twin,' 'Plethora5,' 'Pound Puppy Slayer,' 'Spider-Clone #182,' and last, but not least, Jackie Collins.

Thanks again, everyone!

Night of the Living Remakes

Yeah, yeah.  Here's the part of the column where I get to bitch and moan about stuff.  My favorite.  Well, it's like this: I've seen the reports that Gus Van Sant is going to slip us all a collective mickey and change up his remake of Psycho.  How do I feel about this?  I think it's a great idea, personally.  There's nothing worse than a remake that offers no new interpretation of an existing film.  Or worse, an inferior interpretation.  I won't mention any names, though, because that would be indiscrete.  (City of Angels...Godzilla...)

But still, all seriousness aside, if we look out on the films that are hurtling towards us out of the etrick, we see a lot of rehashed debris coming.  And I'm not talking about failed attempts at turning old TV series into cinematic gold.  Screw indiscrete.  The Avengers.  Those go without saying.  Let's just talk about remakes (not recreations!  Like Brother Dave said, you can't do "that" again...) and not film adaptations of TV.  We would be here all night, because all of them, yes, ALL OF THEM, are in development.  I promise.  Even Gilligan's Island.  No, I don't make this stuff up.  Well, some of it.  But not that part.

Out of this minefield of film, some of these scare the living hell out of me.  The whispers of a Casablanca remake (or even a sequel) are enough to set your unborn child's teeth on edge.  The new film versions of Fahrenheit 451 and I Am Legend are even less true to the original works than before, and their scripts deteriorate into soulless pseudo-action flicks.  Then there are remakes that seem to masquerade as sequels, like Carrie 2.  Sigh.  But is there any hope?  Well, it's a sorry day in hell when you have to come to me for hope, but let's try a positive swing for a change.  Here's some remakes that don't personally make me want to climb a tower with a flintlock rifle.  Here we go through a tour of Hollywood, the town that originality forgot.  Keep your hands and feet and small children away from the bars of the cages.  And for God's sake, don't feed them anything.  Here we go.

The Fantastic Four:  You have to ask why we have nothing to fear from this benign beast?  Well, look at it this way: it can't get much worse.  If you've seen the snippits at your local convention or even have a bootleg copy of the video, you know it was...well, it was pretty bad.  Throw a decent budget at this thing with an excellent script (Studio Bigshots: Your browser's plug-in will now help you through that last term) and you've got a weiner.  I mean, how can you lose with a big comic book potential hit like this?  I mean, if you're not Schumacher, that is.

The Fellowship of the Ring:  All right, who doesn't want to see this get made?  I know, I know, you heavy heavy Tolkienites out there are wincing everytime the subject comes up.  But come on, live a little.  You know you wanna see live action orc battles and Gandalf doing his magic stuff for real, not in a (albeit very cool) Bakshi animated world.  And deep down, every single one of us, and yeah, including you, wanna see just how they do the hobbits.  I still can't get it through my head.

Flash Gordon:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  So Queen's cool and all that.  But imagine this sucker with all the FX it deserves.  And 100% camp-free.  And you're thinking, "Widge, how can we take anyone with the first name of 'Flash' seriously?"  And you have an excellent point there.  But my first and only name is 'Widgett,' so I have no room to say jack crap about that.

The Haunting of Hill House:  Liam "Acting God" Neeson, Lili "Acting Demigoddess" Taylor, and Catherine "Just Plain Goddess" Zeta Jones.  Now, if DeBont can get his hands on a decent screenplay adaptation, we might have something here.  The 1963 movie version, directed by Robert Wise, is touted by many as the scariest damn thing they've ever seen.  Wouldn't it be nice to get a good scary film, instead of another Scream carbon copy?  Sigh.

Jason and the Argonauts:  Okay, let's face it.  Harryhausen and his stop-motion action was awesome in the 1963 Chaffey version.  You dug the hell out of it, right?  Now, imagine all the creatures done with today's Jurassic Park quality FX teams.  Now imagine Harryhausen taken to ILM levels.  It's enough to make reality buckle around you, idn't it?  Now imagine David Lynch directing it.  Wait.  Hell.  I meant to say Ridley Scott.  Don't--ooh, too late.  You don't look so good.  Try to take regular breaths...

X: The Man With the X-Ray Eyes:  Ray Milland was the star of this 1963 creepfest (why are they all from '63?  Quick--call Oliver Stone!) where a man begins to see more than he bargains for.  It had an ending so bizarre and disturbing that they had to cut it.  And no, I won't tell you what it was.  "Read a book!"  Stephen King's Danse Macabre has it.  Anyway, even though more than one studio thinks they can run with a remake, Tim Burton (as long as he takes his anti-goofy medication) would make a great director for it.

And last, but not least, the number one remake I'm looking forward to:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:  Yeah, call me crazy.  But Ben Edlund, creator of one of the sickest cartoons to ever grace my television set, The Tick, remaking one of the worst movies in history?  Remaking an MST3K film?  What could possibly go wrong?  He has the chance to mess with it however he wants.  And who would care?  He doesn't even have to call in Glenville Mareth to update it for contemporary audiences.  Kick its ass, Ben!
 

So you feel better about Hollywood's remake monster machine?  Nah, me neither.  But it gives you some hope.  A sliver anyway.  Right under the fingernail.  Anyway, I'm outta time and outta my head, so I'm going to go implode and explode simultaneously to clear my thoughts.  So until next time, this is Widgett the Mighty, running for my life from the Westworld remake and telling you to get on with your lives.

P.S.  Speaking of The Mighty...when it comes out later this month, do yourself a favor and go see it.  Unbelievably good.

Widgett
Keeper of a Sony My First Worlogog (TM)
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