ARIES March 21 - April 20 Resist flinging hats aloft with Spring's onset. I may be fresh to the augury business, but I could scarce overlook such a collision between Neptune and Pluto. Being naturally thorough I looked it up: a vile disease looms - not certain what, but (sorry) sores are involved - while the month's second half brings shouting and bloodshed. You might disbelieve this (Lord knows I'm a sceptic myself) but even the acquisition of a family pet is unsafe. Eat more oxtail soup, refrain from talking to children if possible. (This advice pertains universally, regardless of birth-sign.)
TAURUS April 21 - May 21One is loathe to generalise, but this 'job' demands it so I make exception. Male Taureans, if your morality were a motor car, you would shortly be faced with a hefty bill for its overhaul. Specifically: i) spitting in the street is the preserve of the lout, desist now unless the description fits; ii) only boors leer and grunt at a bosom; and iii) rare is the lady to whom the lewd 'comedy' undershort is attractive, particularly worn outside the trouser. I advise a hobby; learn to whittle or to forage for old coins. Any shirts bought before the 15th will be quite beastly.
GEMINI May 22 - June 21I am keenly aware of changed social mores. Indeed, my grand- daughter ensures I am more abreast of today's 'scene' than any man of my years needs to be (this week she is a 'Spicy' girl). So believe me when I say that throwing yourself at the first man to offer a rakish smile and a cough candy is no way to mend a broken heart. Venus counsels reflection, modesty and an ankle-length frock. As Mrs T will attest, I speak as a man of the world, not as a prude. Don't forget, a state of near undress and all-over bodily 'tingling' is also to be found at your local pool.
CANCER June 22 - July 23It may be easy for a man of my seniority and learning to sit in judgment, but easy is not the same as wrong. Cancerians, for example, will feel depressed. No wonder, look at you; you have children, but 'co-habit'. You do not look at a bill until it turns red. You blaspheme before minors. You are half-hearted vegetarians but inhale 'hemp' from 'joysticks'. You carp about politicians but refuse to participate. Of course you are depressed; you inhabit a moral vacuum. Mars in the third house hints at change but says little of cherishing the family or God.
LEO July 24 - August 23It may be the rise of television, the noxious 'amusement' arcade or some creeping spinal blight wrought by evolution's dead hand but, whatever the cause, never was the planet so a-throng with pallid, sparrow-chested milksops. Leos, I regret to say, are quite the mimsiest. Jupiter backs my thesis to the hilt; fill your lungs, strain a sinew, surprise your skin with a sheen of sweat, revel in an honest stitch. Anima sana in corpore sano is not Spanish for 'double chips, lager and 20 Senior Service'. Loose-fitting corduroy will help you relax.
VIRGO August 24 - September 23Virgoans are not so straightforward as they would have us believe. Full of their 'take me as I am' bravado, they dissemble as much as (if not more than) the next chap. Saturn's unsightly clash with Mercury on the 20th will bring a major facade crashing around Virgoan ears. If you have been defrauding the Inland Revenue, cheating on a 'partner' (dread word!) or in some other way playing a part, prepare to be exposed as a sham. And ask yourself: when was honesty deemed unfashionable? And by whom? Too much ice cream will make your forehead go 'all funny and cold'.
