LIBRA September 24 - October 23 Librans lack the dexterity of Pisces but also the clumsiness of Aries, yet the moon's waxing and Saturn's waning brings a maladroitness reminiscent of both the ox and the dim-witted child. For this reason - and to save the resources of our emergency services - Librans ought to avoid engines, buckets, rakes, crockery, hoses, electricity, brickwork, scissors and dogs. Odious though it be, even a 'slip-on' shoe might be better than to risk the finger injuries a shoelace could bring. Tomatoes will happily grow in human faecal matter. Need I say more?

SCORPIO October 24 - November 22 No one counts themselves more careful with a penny than your seer, but signs are that many Scorpios bought a ticket to Prudence, only to end up in a land called Downright Mean. Neptune takes some of the blame, true, and the old moon left your financial swimming pool suspiciously yellow. But to levy a 'nominal' charge on house-guests, to darn socks with hair, to store bath-water to drink; these are the actions of someone whose memory of reason grows perilous dim. Many a mickle may well make a muckle, but it's a long day indeed that begins without an egg.

SAGITTARIUS November 23 - December 21 I despair of modern parents. Not content with public 'breast- feeding' and the dangerous cult of the 'house-husband', they now cheapen the very names that made this country great. We throng with tiny Stans, Freds, Billys and Jacks, names of brave men who fought for their king; of stalwarts for whom valour was as natural as breathing. Yet these boys are the spoilt and feeble fruit of liberal loins, boys who will grow into pen-pushers and do-gooders. (These thoughts replace a horoscope so dire I cannot bear to relate it.) Never ask for lamb if mutton's on the menu.

CAPRICORN December 22 - January 20 All of us keen to maintain a certain standard of appearance tread a fine line between the acceptably smart and the disagreeably dandyish. Malign Mars in vain Mercury after the 16th brings out the fop in Capricorns. A crisp white kerchief well-folded in a breast pocket is one thing; the gauche spillage of unkempt red silk from the same pocket is pure affectation. Rein in your peacock instincts, Capricorn, and discard the 'clutch-purse' before you are mistaken for a Frenchman, a pimp or a homosexual. Avoid 'exotic' fuits; a crisp English apple will suffice.

AQUARIUS January 21 - February 19 Chaps should have a hobby (and, before the ladies write, I doubt you've time for one with all that child-rearing, don't you?). You might say hobbies are my hobby-horse! Aquarians are a case in point. They easily come adrift, float and, in a word, mooch. Stamps, coins, military insignia, restoring old motor-cycles, shed-building, hunting; these are all ways for Aquarians to drive out the devils of indolence. In case it's insufficiently plain from the foregoing, petty crime, 'Net sliding' and self-abuse are not hobbies. Cheese makes a tasty between-meals snack, try it!

PISCES February 20 - March 20 It's a sensitive topic, Pisces, but the moon, Saturn, the angle of Jupiter's climb, they all point to intellectual decline. When did you last read a book? (Ladies excused, still too busy!) When did you pull up a pint and have a good jaw about Kipling or the ERM or free will in a computer age? Goodness knows nobody likes talking football more than yours truly, but I do maintain a circle of pals bent on rigorous debate and coninuing self- education. If you think your stomach needs sit-ups, consider the state of your brain. Most sausages contain cows' eyelashes.