Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19

You badly need the balance of Pluto's imminent aspect with Mars, because your stolen brains are stashed in a locked box on the bed of a deep sea.

OK, rename your cats Noel and Liam, fair enough; stick a different Oasis snippet on your answerphone each week, perhaps. But come on, watery one, a house called 'Wonderwall', a brown Roller like Noel's and now you want a private clinic to fit you with big, furry, meet-in-the-middle eyebrows. Plus you call your girlfriend Patsy, get drunk and fight.

Time to pop down to the Life Shop and pick yourself out something nice. Baked fish spells food-poisoning.

Your lucky fags are Rothmans.