A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the
mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay
Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what
happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned
horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd
have done." "It was, sir."
This young couple had only been married for one night when the blonde
bride went to the doctor to say, "This is my first day of marriage,
and there is something that bothers me." Doctor: "What is it?" Blonde Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick touch my kidneys." Doctor: "Just send in your groom, and I will cut a couple of inches
off and hopefully it will not reach your kidneys." Blonde Bride: "No, I want you to remove my kidneys instead."
A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she
had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to
see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours ...
you lookin' mighty fine." Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied, "Thanks,
but I've already got an asshole in there." An airplane is about to crash, and there are 5 passengers left, but
only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush says,@1 "I am
President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility,
being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.
I am also the smartest president ever." @5 So he takes the first
parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the
former President of the United States, and New York Senator, and I am
the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute
and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an Old man, says to the fifth passenger (a 10
year-old boy scout), "I am old and frail and I don't have many years
left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my
life and let you have the last parachute. The boy scout replied, "There's a parachute left for you sir. The
world's smartest President took my backpack." A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking,
when the little girl asked, "Do you want to get undressed and we can
play doctor?" The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned.? Spit out your
gum, I want to play President."
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was
treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she
goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two
brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.
Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied,"Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his
seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next
to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone
will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and
not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in
1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take
the seat?" The man shakes his head, sadly, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home
she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 32 " the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into MacDonalds and asks the counter
girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the
bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 years old and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was,
but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I
can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the
best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell. Go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel
around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am
I then?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in MacDonald's."