1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 M.P.H. yet have a 200
M.P.H. speedometer. 2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8- Track
tape player(TM). 3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect
this and try again later. 4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the
driver from seeing better cars. 5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's
the NEW model. 6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up"
for no apparent reason. 7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have
lots'a pretty colours and lights. 8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra
seats for family members. 9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to
make payments for 6 months. 10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take
the car off of them. 11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place
calls to other AOL car cell phones. 12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from
driving near other car dealerships. 13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. 14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL
cars stall just for fun. 15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. 16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and
gave worse mileage. 17. Any time an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would
wonder, M/F/age? 18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry
another AOL car owner. 19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than
they really are. 20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no
other cars have them. 21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say,
"good-bye."
I have driven trucks that, even fully laden have been able to easily
exceed the speed limit, and it's b*****y annoying to be overtaken by
one plank in a 2.9 Scorpio that decides he doesn't want me to travel
faster than 42 m.p.h.. One of the more humorous incidents that occurred was on the A505
towards Baldock. I was travelling in convoy with half a dozen assorted trucks and
vans. At one stage, I realised that one of the trucks in front was towing a
second truck with a chain. Every so often, someone was able to overtake. When my chance came, there was a dipstick in a Cavalier SRi behind
me. I attempted to overtake, but realised that there wasn't enough road,
but there was a dual carriageway coming up. Dipstick booted it, shot past me, and for no reason dived in front of
me, and braked hard! I braked so I didn't run into the pleb, and
lost all my revs. Missed overtaking the slower trucks, but when I caught them up, the
Cav was still behind them! So, eventually, he tried the same with the truck in front. Went haring past, jumped on the brakes, dived in, and got catapulted
out, across the road, up the bank, and into a hedge at very high
speed! We all stopped, and the bewildered pillock started blaming everyone
but himself for this misfortune. By the time the plods had arrived there must have been a dozen
trucks, all pointing in the same direction, with the drivers all
agreeing that he'd done the same to all of them, too! The plods were nearly crying with the effort of trying to keep
straight faces whilst taking the bloke's statement! One plod decided to interview me, and as we got out of sight of the
Cav pilot, let rip with an enormous laugh! Four lorry drivers
charged round to find out what the ruckus was, but all there was me
and this rozzer nearly p*****g ourselves!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by
designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics," as a language to be
taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be
a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English
dictionary: HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi,
Hire yew?" BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My
brother bard my pick-up truck." JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck." BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements." MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank
ah'll have a bare." BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and
yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage:
"Them bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank
I left my ranch in the back of that pick-up truck my brother from
Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my
brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pick-up truck." FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh
don't change the all in my pick-up truck, that thing's gonna catch
far." TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of
mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pick-up truck." TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek
don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris
sometime." RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age
65." FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners
are willin' to fat for are rats." FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a
wurd he sed...must be from some farn country." DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He
cain't breathe... give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away
from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my
brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert.
He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf." SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see." VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed
New York City... view?" GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint
boys shore is ignert."
Dear We are delighted to tell you that your application has been accepted,
and we are able to welcome you into our brotherhood at Saint Alfred
of The Sweaty Armpit. This Holy Order of the Benedictine faith was founded in the year 956
AD by a humble cloth-weaver named Markus of Spencer, and a lady
travelling with him, named Laura of Ashley. After a short while, it
was deemed necessary to separate the monks from the nuns, as this was
giving rise to some rumours which, of course, were totally without
foundation, (as was at most times, apparently, the Lady named Laura).
This also slowed the phenomenal number of orphaned babies
mysteriously placed on the door-step of the monastery.
The Convent of Our Lady of the Swelling Belly was built on land
immediately to the other side of the chapel, and both buildings enjoy
a sub-terranian passage to enable both brothers and sisters to go to
their devotions in inclement weather without getting wet. Quite why
it should be the dormitories that have been linked in this way was
never recorded. Sister Inertia of the Convent fulfils the role of our teacher. She
has seen your file and accepts that your religious instruction to be
adequate. We know that you will only be receiving a single lesson
because, as you were leaving the grounds, she said she is looking
forward to giving you one. Such a lovely person; it's sometimes difficult to accept that she's
nearly eighty-six. But, to return to the present. Under section 1403/12a of our Holy
Orders, (your own copy of which will be given to you upon arrival) we
are unfortunately unable to allow you to use your own name. Neither
could we allow you to use the first three choices that you submitted.
This is because the first two names appeared to have some kind of
hypnotic effect upon several of the older brothers and we were simply
unable to find the last anywhere in the Holy Bible. One of our
Brothers seems to think it may be a plumbing term, as he heard a man
that was trying to repair the hot water system utter the same
expression several times when he had either trapped his hand, or
burnt or crushed his fingers. We therefore respectfully submit the following choices and some
explanation of their meaning:- Brother Aelfric, writer. Traditionally copies books in longhand
Latin. Brother Anselm, precentor. Traditionally leads and directs the
choir. Brother Francis, founder of the Franciscan Christian Brotherhood.
Patron saint of novels about horse-racing. Brother Jerome. Saint Jerome was a Dalmation priest and made the
first authentic Latin translation of the Bible from Hebrew. Singer
of songs (usually) with partner Brother Robson. If you choose one of the above names, you would be expected to
attempt to follow in the profession of that name, although this is
not compulsory. Further ecclesiastical names that do not have any kind of recognised
status, but are still welcome are:- Edric, Godric, Haluin, Paul, Radulfus, Robert. Any other names may be chosen from the list that Brother Petrus keeps
in his office, as we are only supposed to accept English, Welsh or
Saxon names from before 1344 AD. We do have a list of Brothers that need willing assistants, to learn
the trade and to take over as the time comes. These include:- Infirmarer, looking after the ill, within the confines of the abbey.
This includes some training to wards a medical qualification. Herbalist, mainly looking after the herb garden and learning the
properties of all herbs for both medical and kitchen use. Hosteller, looks after any guests in the guest-hall. Regardless of the name you choose, you will be allowed to try your
hand at any of the many tasks we are proud to undertake. There may be little time for any formal theological training before
you join us, so we are advising you to hire the following videos:- Nuns on The Run, The Brother Cadfael series, The Father Ted series,
Sister Act & Sister Act II. Alternatively, if these or episodes of The Vicar of Dibley are
unavailable, any old Father Dowling Investigates videos will do.
Within the application form, you also mentioned music. The
cloistered order does not allow for any music other than that
intended to be sung in the original Latin. When I mentioned your
likes to the Brothers, they had no notion of Eric Clapton, Megadeth,
Slayer and Stormbringer. Brother Gary of The Sacred Boot however,
admitted to a small knowledge of Black Sabbath and Pink Floyd. As a
whole we are unaware of their works, and wondered if you would be
able to bring suitable recordings with you at some stage. Prior
Augustus does have access to a tape- recorder and a gramophone. At Saint Alfred of The Sweaty Armpit, we have a simple outer garment.
This habit consists of a standard cloak that both our own monks and
those in many other orders wear. We do ask that, as ours is a dark,
rusty black colour, if any other clothing is to be worn beneath it,
that it be in a hue complementary to the sacred garment. This
obviously precludes the red socks and the strange white footwear so
many youngsters seem to prefer nowadays. We do, on occasion, kilt the habit by reducing the length of the
hemline, and tying the rope girdle in a manner so as to keep the hem
of the garment from trailing in water or mud, or simply to admit a
little more cool air during the warmer seasons of the year. Please
note that kilting with regularity is frowned upon because of the
strange effect that this appears to have on Brother Columbanus. The normal ecclesiastical timetable is as follows:- 5:00 a.m. MATINS (With LAUDS) for approximately 30 minutes. 5:30 a.m. Breakfast 6:00 a.m. Your chosen work 8:00 a.m. PRIME for approximately 1 hour. 9:00 a.m. Your chosen work 11:00 a.m. TERCE for approximately 30 minutes. 11:30 a.m. Your chosen work 1:00 p.m. Lunch 2:00 p.m. SEXT for approximately 30 minutes. 2:30 p.m. Your chosen work 4:30 p.m. High tea 5:00 p.m. NONES for approximately 1 hour. 6:00 p.m. Choir Practice 8:00 p.m. VESPERS for approximately 1 hour 30 minutes. 9:30 p.m. Latin translation 10:30 p.m. Supper 11:00 p.m. COMPLINE for approximately 1 hour. 12:00 p.m. Bed You would be expected to be a novice for the first two years of
cloistered life, followed by a further two years study for the
priesthood. Once you have become a priest, you will be able to hear
confessions, take Mass, give absolutions, hold Holy Matrimony
services, administer the Last Rites and hold Burial and memorial
services. After you have spent at least three years as a priest, you
will be in a position to study for your abbacy. This may require your moving to another cloister within our church,
firstly as a sub-Prior, then a Prior, and finally an Abbot. When you are no longer a novice, you would then be expected to wear a
tonsure; that is to shave the hair in a 6-inch circle from the crown
of your head. One last point about the Psalter that you admired. Brother Peter was
so pleased that you showed such interest, that he has said that he
would be delighted to help you make your own. Go in peace, my son Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini (Blessed is he that cometh in
the name of the Lord) Father Benedictus (Abbot)Room G22/a
(Ministers Inner Sanctum)
Whitehall
LONDON
SW1A 3DH
Tel: 0171 243 1212
Fax: 0171 243 2314
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie
he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one
is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put
this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs,
opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see- through that the old
coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this
back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at
the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron
the dang thing!" A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the
closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts
her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says,
"Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a
baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No,
thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last
time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold
my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?" Boy -"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again". Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold
a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of
lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the
power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He
asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,
and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid
display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything,
yet Jesus's program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '01.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he
couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw the war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He
threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good
110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an
hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for
completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that year's
SuperBowl, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man
wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into
the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I
just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle
of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...."
The old lady pauses, in tears, "...I'll never forgive you for moving
us to Oakland!"
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your
destination." Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right;
is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda." When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit."
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a
towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders,
then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy
was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
Little Johnny was down the street one day at a friends birthday
party. Everyone was having a swell time, playing hide-n-seek, eating
cake, playing with balloons, etc. Now, Johnny knew that he wasn't supposed to play with balloons,
because his Mom had caught him throwing water-filled balloons at the
neighbourhood kids. But everyone was having such a good time... He thought, while looking around to be sure no one was watching,
"I'll just grab this red one and hide it in my pocket," which he did. A while later the party ended and Johnny went home. It was very
quiet. His mother hadn't returned from her shopping yet. So, he
went into the bathroom, locked the door, and pulled out the wonderful
balloon! Boy! He blew it up. Then he squeezed the end and the balloon made a
wonderful screeching sound! Wow! He blew it up again and let go.
It took off in a random trajectory, bouncing off the walls and
ceiling. Great!!! Then he blew it up again and tied a knot. He was playfully bouncing
the balloon, when suddenly he heard the front door open and close. IT WAS HIS MOM!!! Oh God, he couldn't get the knot undone, and she was coming this way! In his moment of panic a GREAT SOLUTION appeared - he stuck it in the
toilet and closed the lid. At about this time his Mom was banging on the door to get in, "Johnny! Are you in there? Johnny! Open this door - I must get in
there - NOW!" (She did too. She'd been shopping, and because of her
refusal to use any sort of public convenience, she had to GO!!!) Johnny got himself under reasonable control, and opened the door.
She hurriedly brushed passed him, and proceeded to "Rest" (as in rest
room). A while later, rested, she got up, adjusted her garments, turned
around, and was about to give the handle a push, when she thought she
saw something a bit unusual... She peered down for a closer
inspection, when suddenly it became clear! She gasped, "I've passed a VITAL ORGAN!" In blind panic she ran to
the phone and called Dr. Kildare. Upon hearing his voice she
blurted out that she had passed a vital organ, and he must come
quickly. He soothed her as best he could and assured her he'd be
there as soon as possible, "Lie down 'till I get there," he said. Presently, the two of them were hovering over the toilet together, he
squinting down at it, and she, swooning. It did indeed appear to be
some sort of organ! It was generally round in shape, reddish in
colour, and covered in... (best not get too graphic at this point). He said to her, "Now, now, Mrs. Jones, no need to carry on like
this. I've brought my kit-bag... I'll just snip off a sample and
perform a biopsy." Which he proceeded to do. Just as he was about to make his first
incision, the Dang thing EXPLODED... covering both he and Mrs.
Jones with... As Mrs. Jones regained consciousness, she gasped, "What happened?
What was it? Oh, I think I'm going to faint again!!!" Dr. Kildare, with a trace of uncertainty and bewilderment in his
voice replied, "I'm not sure, Mrs. Jones, but I believe you and I
are the only two people in the world to ever have seen a fart."