1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree
across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters
1) Wrap it in cheese!