Can any of you think of the amount of times we've all said daft
things, either we've said them ourselves to other people, or they've
said them to us. For example, we were all young, moreso for the lads though, can you
ever remember the classic saying from your mum, it went something
like this. "Ok, so your climbing up the tree again, I've told you
before about climbing. Now don't come running to me if you fall and
break your leg"....WHAT!!. Most of us kids and yes, me of course probably used to pick our noses
at one time or other. I still do in fact, anyway, so there we were
one day during our infant years, in a situation where picking your
nose to see what gunge we could dig out from it inside. We would
lunge our finger in as far as humanly sensible, waggle our finger
around, use our nail to scrap the whatever disgusting chunks was in
there. We were having a whale of a time, and in my case eating what
I dug out was my full reward. Disgusting yes, but who can't say
they've never done it, maybe you still do it, I do. Anyway, mums yet
again come up with some cracking lines in the hope of stopping you
performing such a gross behaviour, things like. "If you keep doing
that your head will cave in"...How come? so where will it go, in my head.... If, like me, you as a young lad was caught or suspected of
masturbating by your mum, or in my case I was. She came up with this
line..."Steven, you'll go blind doing that"....Ok, so now I've just
turned 50 and I still do it but I'm still not blind, bloody short
sighted maybe, but blind, nah. I even remember at about the age of 6 going into a shop one day with
a threepenny bit (about 1p I think nowadays, then you could buy a
bloody lot of sweets for threepence) Anyway, I went into this sweet
shop all excited with this threepenny bit and asked the woman serving
there "Excuse me lady, how much are those penny white chocolate white
mice", "A penny of course she replied", feeling a bit embarrassed I
left the shop of course in a hurry and bought no sweets there, but
went into another shop and just bought sweets....(Prat).
I don't know about where each and every one of you live or used to
live, but where I used to live when I was a young lad the bus stops
only ever had one number of bus stop at that particular point, be it
an X65 or an L651. There was only ever one bus allocated for any
given point, now, on the odd occasions I used the bus service there
was this one day when I was sure that I was going to be a early
enough to get a bus, but I found out later I was wrong. I got to
this particular bus stop, there was a queue, so I asked a bloke this
question. "Excuse me please, but has the bus gone yet??", "Yes,
about 3 minutes ago, that's why we're all still standing here"....I
still think to this day he was taking the bloody piss. Or, the young lad who was laughing at his mother after she had just
told him off for being naughty was told by her. "So, your laughing
at me, huh, just wait until your dad gets home, you'll be laughing on
the other side of your face"...as Billy Conelly said in one of his
shows. "So what will happen when his dads gets home, will he slice
him from ear to ear"? Or as a mum said to her son, "Right Jack, I've had enough of your
cheek, if I've told you once I've told you a million times"....Huh,
so, has she been counting how many times she's told him off.
Or, as a mum also said to another son, "Ok, so you want to be so cheeky, go up to your room now and stay there until your dad gets home, let him deal with you, oh, by the way, don't YOU DARE LEAVE YOUR ROOM till he gets home". Great, I agree with her, but what does the kid do about going to the loo, does he empty a drawer in his cupboard and crap and piss in there....Who knows.
Or the lad who supposed to have stayed in the back garden but sneaked out with his mates to play footy. He gets home covered in mud from head to toe and he's holding his football in his hands. His mum catches him sneaking in the house and yells at him. "Oy, where the hell have you been". Well, he might have been collecting car numbers, or embroidery, where d'ya think he's been, playing bloody footy, are you blind woman as well as stupid, huh, I ask ya.
Or a little girl was constantly hassling her mum for sweets while out shopping one day. "Ok, that's enough Jane, please, no more love." "But mummm" replies the little girl". "But mum nothing" and the mum swipes the girl around the back of the head. The girl immediately starts crying. The mum replies, "Huh, you can stop that stupid noise for a start" and gives a lesser smack around the head". The girl continues to cry, "Ok, so what's wrong with you now young lady"....God she's given the lass two swipes, the lass is crying with pain and the mum ask's what's wrong. I don't believe it.
Or, the young lad had just been swiped around the head by his mum for playing up while they were out shopping. The lad of course is crying in pain, and the mum replies with "Huh, keep that bloody noise up laddie and I'll give you something to cry about"....What, she has already, she just almost knocked his bloody head off.