Ok, so keeping up with my normal intellectual (hah don't make me
laugh) articles this one which I've entitled "Farting Is An Art In
Public" is basically true for us males. I can't speak for you
females, but for us men we go to very weird and wonderful lengths in
the hope of trying to disguise our farts. Read on to see what I
mean. Most of these I've done myself so I speak from experience. I
can only say that (A) if "YOU" say that "YOU'VE" never farted in
public then your telling porkies, and (B) if "YOU" say that "YOU'VE"
never tried or had to disguise, then again, you're telling porkies.
So read on folks...... So, we're in the doctor's one day. Try to picture the scene. Your
in the waiting room and you've maybe had a curry the night before, or
some fruit, or in our beloved Dungeon Masters case a few pints of the
amber nectar. Admit it, your sitting there waiting for your name to
be called and your 100% bored out of your brains. You pick up one of
the few magazines to read which just happens to be about golf!
Whilst scanning the dog-eared scrumpled-up pages you get a severe
twinge in your guts. "God, don't say I want a crap, bloody hell"
(thinking to yourself). "Or do I want to fart" (which in this case
is even a worse predicament than wanting a crap).
You sit their trying to look totally engrossed in your mag when this
niggle in the guts gets worse, and you know that any minute it could
quite possibly erupt into a stinker of a fart. You dare not get up
with the intention of going to the little boys room to release the
bowel moving pressure from your rear-end because as most of us know
the sudden strain on our muscles of getting into the standing
position often releases this embarrassing sound and smell without any
control at all from ourselves. So what do we do?
Well I personally think that farting in public is a skill, and might
even be included in the next Olympic games. So I personally would
make sure that I'm sitting in a chair with nobody directly to either
my left or my right, then with intense mental discipline and control
over my bowel and arse muscles while at the same time still looking
as though the book I'm reading is of any sort of interest I'd
carefully squeeze the cheeks of my bum together and hopefully try to
restrict the speed of the noise from coming out of my rear-end down
to a bare minimum. My endeavour would hopefully let me control the rates of
miles-per-second the sound would leave my bum, and at the same second
the sound left my body I would cough in the hope of totalling
disguising the sound. Most of the time the above would work. The
only draw-back to this situation is the odour. However, this could
be lost or rather put down to another source of which is in the same
room as you. Hopefully there might be a very small child or a baby in
the room, so if like me your highly skilled at this type of situation
you'll try to make sure that the infant is in a close proximity to
yourself and 9 times out of 10 the infant will be suspected. As they
say, drastic measures call for drastic actions. But having done all the above to hopefully disguise my bowel
releasing sounds and hopefully to cover the evil smelling odour I
have on the odd occasion found a need to fart, but cough at the same
time which also part disguises the sound but still nevertheless still
let's people hear a little sound. Now this latter skill is ideal in
any area where very few of us talk to the others in the same room, be
for whatever reason, nerves, shyness, or just plain be bloody
ignorance, most of us in those situations tend to talk to the person
who goes with us be it our partners or a son/daughter, or just a
friend. I think that a classic example of performing this art in public and
not even getting a minor bit of blame for it is when your in a
supermarket, ok lads, if you can honestly say that you've never done
all or part of this next trick then your a bloody liar. Your in a supermarket, be it Tesco's, Safeway or whichever one, haha,
yes. Safeway is a good one, the name says it all., OK, so your in the
supermarket your wandering around buying this and that, then the urge
to release wind comes into being, "Shit" you think, all these people
will smell me when I fart. Wrong! They shouldn't be able to hear
you what with all the hussle and bussle that goes on in those places
and smelling you. Huh! That's no problem, again, if your skilled
enough to control your farting you can walk around the various
sections on the supermarket looking for the "nigh-on" perfect place
to fart and not get blamed for it. OK someone else might, but no
siree, not moi. Again, I look for people with either a young child or a baby, or at
the other end of my "Skill Farting" scale, I look for an old couple
or old person on his/her own, whichever the case maybe. Here's what
I do. I find my unknown prey. I stand somewhere in their vicinity
then cough and fart at the same time and move to another area,
preferably to the next isle. Then when other people go into the isle
where I've just let rip and hopefully my unsuspecting victim/victims
are still shopping I go back to that same isle and look as though I'm
shopping. The smell then hits the new customers. They look at me or
I look at them and we both look at the third party with a bit of
disgust, hence I'm off the hook and having a little inner laugh to
myself. A bus or a train is another good place of practising and exercising
this skill. On a bus, well the old double decker type are by far the
best, you go upstairs, sit down, that's providing that there are a
few people up there. What's the bloody use of farting to an empty
audience? Anyway, you sit there, you carefully let rip when, if
possible, your near to your stop then you let rip and stand up to go
downstairs, leaving your fowl smell for all to saviour. In a train is
very much the same skill, you sit in one carriage, carefully fart
then casually move to another carriage.
The possibilities for fun are pretty limitless, and really you can't
label this article as "Another one of Dr. Jekyll's sicko's" because
whatever name, label or tag we put on it we all "Fart", even the
Queen and all the royal family farts, so, I've always wondered about
this? If the Queen wants to or has to fart, does she, as a lady of
her breeding say pardon before or after the act, or does she blame
the corgis, or as I might think, she might blame Philip. I would,
after all folks he's a bit of an all-round shit-house at the best of
times. I suppose any member of the Royal family will be OK in this
department, being so much in public they could quite easily let us
"Commoners" face the disgrace. If I were in their position I would
fart quietly then blame whoever's company I'm in, after all, who
would ever suspect or even blame "Our Queen". So, my final words to
you all is this as they say. Where 'ere you be let the wind blow
free" or for us poor folk, if you want to or have to fart just do it,
but try to do it quietly and then let someone else get the blame.
Libraries and museums are also great places to fart in, Libraries are
good because 9 times out of 10 there's always a mixed age group of
people who sit a read the newspapers and books in the actual library.
So stand in a close proximity to this group and quietly fart, then
move to another section where you can watch people's faces at this
pong wafting pass their noses, and the expressions they make at
others sitting by them, it's quite funny. Museum's are also a good place to fart, either some of the "Hello
Darling" or "Hello Luvvy" types of people get blamed for the smell,
or better still artifacts themselves are sometimes put down to the
cause of the smell. The list of (A) places to fart in and not get blamed for the smell is
pretty big I reckon, and also, the list of (B) unsuspecting people
who get blamed themselves for "YOUR" odour is I reckon is just as
big. I love to fart in the bath, the "bubbling" sound it makes when you
first fart has me in stitches, the only downfall to that is the fowl
smell. I reckon that farting through water enhances the stink by
about a factor of 30. So have fun farting, and keep your wits about you if you don't want
to get blamed. I'm doing my farting belt grading tomorrow, I'm hoping
to move up to my brown belt...........byeeeeee.