Grey Fox


Eric Gets Gonged

It's a shimmering Sunday morning. Eric the Jaguar and I are moving Westwards, swiftly. We are on our way to Bowood in Wiltshire to play golf on a magnificent course constructed only three years ago on land surrounding the home farm of Bowood House.

Traffic is relatively light. Visibility is perfect. We are passed by the usual buzz bombs and lead foot merchants. Round about Slough the traffic thickens. We are pressed from behind by a red buzz bomb. Irritated we remain in the fast lane, overtaking several vehicles including a blue Mondeo, until there is space to pull in and let the buzz bomb go.

Eric is now incensed and ready for the flying karate kick. How could I let a red buzz bomb with a roof rack sweep past us?

We re-enter the fast lane and shimmy. I glance in the rear mirror and see that the Mondeo is now behind us. Ominously, it contains two men in white shirts. The shivers begin. I rein in Eric to a sedentary seventy. To no avail; the dreaded blue lights begin to flash and Eric is gonged.

We come to a dignified halt on the hard shoulder. The bright day has now turned to cinders. All the anxious thoughts appear. I exit Eric and after a swift "Good Morning", although it is now quite definitely not, I am ensconced in the rear seat of the magic Mondeo. Now you know all those stories of cattle prods, cigars, rubber truncheons and pliers. Well the Thames Valley Police do it differently. PC 3034 J Wilson was correctness itself. Polite, soft voiced, almost charming. I was told that over a 600 yard stretch Eric had averaged 90.71 mph. Probably while he was shimmying after the buzz bomb. This was 'Excess Speed 70mph' or code 'X,S,7,1'.

As I have said before in this column this offence must be the most common offence committed in Britain. We all know that if we travel at or below 70mph on a motorway, unless in bad weather or stationary in a traffic jam, we will be hooted off the road. It seems that there is a sort of acceptable speed above 70mph but that I was going faster.

Not that I'm advocating dangerous or careless driving, heaven knows one sees enough of that go unpunished. I just feel that to be done for driving a car well within its own limits of safety and causing no danger to other road users on a bright clear Sunday morning does nothing for anyone other than the Thames Valley Police crime figures. The Institute of Advanced Motorists thinks the National speed limit should be raised to at least 80.

Two points, PC 3034 J Wilson's winger told me, when I enquired, that as they could only stop one car at a time the red buzz bomb would be alerted by post. Some hope. When, some years ago, I was last stopped for the same heinous crime, this time by a red BMW, that same evening my car was stolen, driven away and smashed to pulp. In spite of fingerprints and growls of excitement over 'aggravated taking away' not another word was heard from the sleuths at Hammersmith Police Station. This was strange, as the thief had driven the car only a mile or so before crashing it into a tree outside a tower block, where, as it was 3am, I would guess he/she lived.

Fortunately so far Eric is still with us.

Back to the bike tracks. The knee jerk reaction to the cyclist killed by the collision with a roller blader on the Hyde Park cycle track is splendid. Trucks rolled and tons of gravel were emptied onto the area of tarmac not designated as a cycle track. This forces all the roller bladers to use the remaining cycle track while the grey rinsers, who have only 8 million square miles of new mown grass on which to mince their Schnauzers, walk free and clear on the other half of the path.

It is now much more dangerous to use the cycle track. As well as the roller bladers the tourists are upon us. Like all sensible tourists they take no notice whatsoever of any sign but blithely behave as if on an evening stroll back home. Tonight's winner: twenty four middle aged matrons from Madrid marching belligerently down the cycle path. All quasi red heads to boot.


Keep those competion entries for the most dangerous bike path in London rolling. Some gems so far.


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Grey Fox can be contacted at greyfox@londonmall.co.uk.

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