A former film critic has chucked it in and now reviews movies before either of you have seen them.
The picture shows Robin Williams doing what Robin Williams does best i.e., opening his big mouth and being a funny guy. Except that the expression on his face looks about as genuine as anything else in this corn-pone computer-generated confection. Sure, it's supposed to have the best digital effects this side of 'Jurassic Park'; really impressive - but not as impressive as the fact that the producers of this mush had enough loose change in the kitty - after the fx - to hire Williams, who today is scarcely more than a low-rent Jim Carrey.
Hey, I remember Mork and Mindy ('Mork calling Orson' etc.) - Mindy was quite cute as I recall - and I remember Williams's first appearance as Mork in 'Happy Days' (as in Winkler NOT Beckett). But all that 'impro' mugging crap that was the in-thing a couple o' years ago and has thankfully died death of late - well, that's for the birds my friend. You know damn well that if you met some smartass loudmouth, attention-seeking, 'funny'-voice-making imbecile at a party, you'd sure as hell want to beat him/her to death on the spot - so why should I feel any different a few million dollars down the line?
Anyway, back to the film in hand - see, this 'game' thing is not a particularly new idea. Movies about games or based on established or fictional games are ten a penny, for example, the pretty straightforward 'Cluedo' or the more pretentious psychological cobblers that is 'Sleuth' (a totally camp murder-mystery, not redeemed in the slightest by a totally camp performance by Larry Olivier); or the tired Doomsday scenario film 'Wargames' (noughts and crosses) or even the serial killer chess conundrum of 'Knight Moves'.
My personal favourite game-based films though are 'Game of Death' featuring
badass muthafucka Ice-T as human prey to a bunch of red-neck millionaires (Gary
Busey in top form!), and legendary Amicus cheapo seventies fiasco 'The Beast
Must Die'- in which millionaire lunatic Calvin Lockhart (King Willy in 'Predator
2') invites a group of people to his high security estate because, get this, one
of them is a werewolf and he needs to discover their true identity..er..so he
can kill them. (Obviously.) I think this latter movie probably cost less than
'Jumanji's film crew catering bill - which in my book only goes to show that you
don't need a multi-million dollar budget in order to make a crass and cynical
film with lashings of style but fuck-all content. 'Jumanji'? It's A Knock Out!
0 out of 10
These days, any half-decent British film is appropriated by jingoistic media vultures as signifying the rebirth of the hallowed British Film Industry when, in reality, all that happens is that a resourceful and bright upstart apes some movie bigshot - usually American, usually Scorsese; makes a movie heavy on style, low on substance; makes a small mint and a name for himself/herself; and then at the very earliest opportunity fucks off to Hollywood to make a crap film - which fails miserably - before returning to British television (if they are lucky).
Look, Danny Cannon ('Young Americans'), Paul Anderson ('Shopping') and Danny Boyle ('Shallow Grave') can prove me wrong of course but until that time, I think I'll put my faith and pounds sterling into the coffers of such filmmakers as Ken Loach, Mike Leigh and Peter Greenaway, all of whom have continued to plough a relatively lonely furrow, making moderately/critically successful movies - integrity intact. No big fucking song and dance there.
Now I feel bad. OK I admit it: I'm overstating the case and in truth, I should be encouraging these young Turks in their struggles to make movies that the public actually want to see, rather than anal-retentive Anglophile period pieces, obscure arthouse nudie-pics or drab examples of film as 'social realism'. Sure, I can dig that. It's just all the hullabaloo and all the noise that gets on my nads and, let's face it, 'Trainspotting' IS being hailed as the biggest thing since..the last big thing.
And then there's the CONTROVERSY. Well, it was predictable really and is
certainly bound to do wonders for the box office - especially since Irving
Welsh's highly acclaimed novel is selling like hot poop in any case, and the
West End stage adaptation is sold out completely. But wait a minute! I haven't
watched the film, read the book, seen the play (or worn the fucking T shirt) but
I categorically refuse to condone the activity that being glamorised and given a
high profile by this movie. It is addictive, anti-social, a drain on the social
services, expensive, time-consuming, probably dangerous and a destroyer of
families. Of course, I refer to collecting locomotive registration numbers.
Worse than heroin even. Trainspotting ? Just say NO.
9 out of 10