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+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | THE PC MANIFESTO | | | | FEATURING A PC PRIMER AND REVISED PC LEXICON | | | | By Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignigwiuw X. | | | | COPYRIGHT 1992 - All Rights Reserved | +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Tiang-Min" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. You just have to feel very guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang. Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source. Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes -> The liberal is right. No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be plenty. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- -> ETHNICITY <- (PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid) Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales AVOID! AVOID!) Towel Head/ Ay-Rab - Arab-American White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) -> GENDER <- (PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) Mankind, Human - Earth Children -> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <- Handicapped - Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Whaler - Blubber Lovers Old Person / Elderly - 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Convict - Socially Separated Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers (person with) (person with) Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Dead People - Dysfunctional Earth Children -> MISCELLANEOUS <- Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Disfunction Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Cheating (in School) - Academic Dishonesty Used Books - Recycled Books Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) ---------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dago, Dyke, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freaks, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Skirt, Spic, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Whore, White-Trash, Wop" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION. /----------------------------------------------\ | SPECIAL UPDATE: March 1992 | \----------------------------------------------/ This manifesto was originally released in December of 1991. Within hours of becoming public, the authors were deluged by responses on the computer network from several countries including the U.S., Canada, Australia, and Germany. One eager, though slightly deranged, earth child even wrote a line-by-line commentary on each facet of PCism. The following is a partial list of comments: ----- I enjoyed it immensely, even though I confess to being a member of several of the groups that it pokes fun at. Anyway, I was a bit surprised that the PC Lexicon didn't include my favourites: dead---persons of reduced metabolic activity biologically challenged obese--differently weighted people of mass gravitationally challenged Perhaps the author(s) might want to include them in some future edition ... ----- I must express my displeasure with your callous references to "dead people" in the PC Lexicon. These individuals you so readily dismiss are in fact the oppressed victims of a most tragic condition, Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome. On behalf of myself and generations of other PWGs (People With GloSBiDS), I request that you recognize the term we prefer to be called by and act accordingly. Thank you. ----- You forgot to add these: Old Politically Correct ---------- ------------------- Police State War On Drugs Depression Temporary economic downturn War Defense Civillian deaths Collateral damage Tax increase for the poor Tax cut Cutting taxes for the rich Stimulating the economy feminists feminazis environmentalists tree-hugging enviro-fags Right-wing moderate conservative moderative conservative Liberal Capitalist economic reforms Democratic reforms ----- Hey screwy, quit putting liberal crap in this newsgroup. That's all we need, a liberal bastard touting the merits (ha-ha) of PC. PC actually means Prick of the College, which is what you will be when you endorse PC. Environmentalists, animal rights, feminists, gun control, and multi- culturalism do more wrong to this nation and to my education that a Democrat as President! Go suck on a tailpipe, you liberal scumbag! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 1992 - A Friedman/Haladyna Production - All Rights Reserved --------------------------------------------------------------------- END OF PC LEXICON ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Regarding the real political correctness, the former (note the word) Washington Redskins flagship station will no longer refer to the Redskins with their team name. They will be called "Washington's Professional Football Team" or "NFL team" or similar. "And the professional football team from Washington takes the field!" "The professional football players from Washington sure look fired up today, don't they, Tom?" "Yes, Al, the quarterback for the Washington area football team told me yesterday that this year's crop of Washington's NFL team receivers is one of the best. Art Monk is certainly the greatest wide- receiver that has ever played in a Washington professional football team uniform. And all the fans are really behind the Washington area football team, especially the Hogettes, who wear all their professional football team from Washington paraphernalia to every game." "Looks like the Washington area football team band is about to strike up the famous anthem "Hail to the players on Washington's professional football team!" Why don't they just call them the "Senators?" After all, who knows better how to: - accept outrageous salaries; - sling mud; - play dirty; - do an end-around; - punt when the going gets tough; - and claim that the members of the other team were the reason they couldn't advance anything? Furthermore, if they called the team the "Senators" they wouldn't be offending an outstanding American minority or anything. The other football teams might not like being associated with such a universally- despised group, though. Finally, the St. Louis team should be: The St. Louis Bright Red Plumaged Grosbeaks Don't want to offend any small-beaked finches. Ornithological Correctness. Jim Acker ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- POLITICALLY CORRECT MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM NAMES NATIONAL LEAGUE: PITTSBURGH Sea-Robbers NEW YORK Inhabitants of a Metropolis CHICAGO Offspring of Large Furry Omnivorus Mammals. PHILADELPHIA Natives? ST. LOUIS Red North American Finches MONTREAL Exhibits ATLANTA Native American Warriors CINCINNATI Red Stockings (old name) LOS ANGELES Circumventers SAN DIEGO Clergymen SAN FRANCISCO Unusually Tall Persons HOUSTON Star Enthusiasts AMERICAN LEAGUE: NEW YORK Natives of N.E. States BOSTON Red Sox (O.K.?) BALTIMORE North American Birds with Black and Orange Plummage CLEVELAND North American Natives CHICAGO White Sox (O.K.?) MILWAUKEE Producers of Beer KANSAS CITY Relatives of a King or Queen MINNESOTA Identical Siblings OAKLAND Athletics (old name) CALIFORNIA Messangers from a Diety SEATTLE Seafarers TEXAS Troopers who Patrol a Large Area DETROIT Large Carnivorus Felines TORONTO Blue North American Finches ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Patriotically Correct Manifesto Greg Goebel The politically correct movement has thoroughly established itself in liberal-arts departments and art enclaves throughout the United States and is now poised as a great threat to the public at large. The Patriotically-Correct movement has been established to counteract this pernicious influence. No more will the public at large be subjected to abuse when they read low-circulation magazines of intellectual discussion! And good American citizens will no longer be forced to bear the association with obscure groups of activists, artists, and New Agers! Q: WHAT IS PATRIOTICALLY CORRECT? This is a philosophy which places the greatest virtue on the values that made America great. Q: WHAT ARE THESE VALUES? Such things as a strong defense, faith in God and country, a belief in hard work and industry, family values ... Q: SOUNDS GREAT! ... no quotas for minorities, an end to environmental extremism, belief in the death penalty ... Q: NOW WAIT A MINUTE ... ... no restrictions on the rights of people to carry arms, keeping those sneaky Japanese in line, suppression of those obnoxious feminists, activists, minority extremists, and gays ... Q: HOLD IT! THIS IS BEGINNING TO SOUND A LITTLE NARROW-MINDED! Narrow-minded? Do you particularly LIKE feminists and gays? Q: WELL, I DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM MUCH ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ... Don't you need to take a stand on this? Are you really a true patriotic American? Do you really want to stand there and take the blame for all the world's injustices just because you're a white male? (You ARE a white male, aren't you?) Q: OK, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY FEEL, OKAY? Okay. Q: WHETHER IT ROTATES RIGHT OR ROTATES LEFT, IT'S STILL A CRANK. Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species Fa la la la la, la la la la 'Tis the season to be self-actualizing, Fa la la la la, la la la la Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel Fa la la la la, la la la la Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol Fa la la la la, la la la la See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non- endangered wood before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort, Fa la la la la la la la la Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming, Fa la la la la, la la la la Fast away the mature year passes Fa la la la la la la la la Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons Fa la la la la la la la la Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure, Fa la la la la la la la la While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure, Fa la la la la, la la la la Author: unknown