¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢ * *¢ * LAUGH CORNER *¢ * *¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢¢ Welcome to the premier edition of the¢ OHAUG Newsletter Laugh Corner. Many¢ club newsletters, pieces of e-mail¢ (solicited and otherwise) and jokes¢ from other sources are flooding my¢ consciousness these days. I need a¢ form of catharsis, and I've decided¢ that this column is it. And you,¢ dear readers are the lucky¢ beneficiaries (victims???) of my¢ choices. The column will appear at¢ irregular intervals (translation:¢ whenever we have to fill up some¢ space) and you are free to send me¢ potential material for it. But¢ remember that I, and I alone, am the¢ final arbiter and judge of what will¢ appear. Whatever you think of my¢ sense of humor, you're stuck with it.¢ Here goes:¢¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢¢ From the May/June 1998 LVAUG NEWS:¢¢ COMPUTER INDUSTRY ACRONYMS¢¢ PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize¢ Computer Industry Acronyms¢¢ PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers¢ Through Incorrect Understanding of¢ Mathematics¢¢ COBOL -- Complete Obsolete Business¢ Oriented Language¢¢ CD-ROM -- Consumer Device-Rendered¢ Obsolete in Months¢¢ OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too¢¢ MIPS -- Meaningless Indication of¢ Processor Speed¢¢ WINDOWS -- Will Install Needless¢ Data on Whole System¢¢ MICROSOFT -- Most Intelligent¢ Customers Realize Our¢ Software Only Fools¢ Teenagers¢¢ LISP -- Lots of Infuriating and¢ Silly Parentheses.¢¢ RISC -- Reduced Into Silly Code¢¢ SCSI -- System Can't See It¢¢ DOS -- Defective Operating System¢¢ BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize¢ Industry Control¢¢ IBM -- I Blame Microsoft¢¢ DEC -- Do Expect Cuts¢¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢¢ From the July/August 1998 LVAUG NEWS:¢¢ DISKETTE CARE¢¢ Never leave diskettes in the disk¢ drive, as data can leak out of the¢ disk and corrode the inner mechanics¢ of the drive. Diskettes should be¢ rolled up and stored in pencil¢ holders.¢¢ Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed¢ once a week. Microscopic metal¢ particles can be removed by waving a¢ powerful magnet over the surface of¢ the disk. Any stubborn metallic¢ shavings can be remoed with scouring¢ powder and soap. When waxing¢ diskettes, make sure application is¢ even. This will allow the diskettes¢ to spin faster.¢¢ Do not fold diskettes unless they do¢ not fit in the drive. "Big"¢ diskettes may be folded and used in¢ "little" disk drives.¢¢ Diskettes cannot be backed up by¢ running them through the Xerox¢ machine. If your data needs to be¢ backed up, simply insert two¢ diskettes together into the drive¢ whenever you update a document; the¢ data will be recorded on both¢ diskettes.¢¢ Diskettes should not be inserted or¢ removed from the drive while the red¢ light is flashing. Doing so could¢ result in smeared or possibly¢ unreadable text. Occasionally the¢ red light continues to flash in what¢ is known as a "hung" or "hooked"¢ state. If your system is "hooking"¢ you, you will need to insert several¢ dollars before being allowed to¢ access the disk drive.¢¢ If your diskette is full and you need¢ more storage space, remove the disk¢ from the drive and shake vigorously¢ for two minutes. This will pack the¢ data ("data compression") enough to¢ allow for more storage. Be sure to¢ cover all the openings with scotch¢ tape to prevent loss of data.¢¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢¢ From President Jack Gedalius (who¢ found them someplace):¢¢ Feeling low? Need advice? Didn't¢ get your way? Short of Money? Call¢ 1-800-GRANDMA.¢¢ Of course women don't work as hard as¢ men. They do it right the first¢ time!¢¢ Notice! Teenagers: If you are tired¢ of being hassled by unreasonable¢ parents, now is the time for action! ¢ Leave home and pay your own way while¢ you still know EVERYTHING.¢¢ Notice! The kitchen will be cloed¢ today because of illness. I'm sick¢ of cooking.¢¢ (Well, he IS the president -- Ed.)¢¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢¢ Finally, via unsolicited e-mail (and¢ probably forwarded to the entire¢ population of the world ten times¢ over):¢¢ GATES!¢¢ God looks down on Earth and decides¢ He's had enough. With a crack of¢ thunder, He summons to heaven the¢ three most powerful people on Earth: ¢ Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill¢ Gates.¢¢ "Gentlemen," God says, "I have called¢ you here because I am truly¢ disappointed in humans and decided to¢ end the world. You have one week to¢ prepare your people." With a crack¢ of thunder, God sends all three back¢ to Earth.¢¢ Bill Clinton calls together his¢ Cabinet and tells them, "I have good¢ news and bad news. The good news is¢ there is a God. The bad news is He's¢ really ticked off at us and is going¢ to end the world in a week."¢¢ Boris Yeltsin calls together his¢ Parliament and says, "Comrades, I¢ have bad news and I have worse news. ¢ The bad news is we were wrong; there¢ is a God. The worse news is that¢ He's very mad at us and the world is¢ going to end in a week."¢¢ Bill Gates calls together his top¢ engineers and says, "I have good news¢ and I have better news. The good¢ news is God considers me one of the¢ three most powerful people in the¢ world. The better news is that we¢ don't have to fix Windows 98.¢¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢ * *¢ * THE END *¢ * *¢ * (WHEW!) *¢ * *¢ * * * * * * * * * * *¢¢
