¢ o=o=o=o=o=¢¢ "Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript.¢¢ <Pichard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had¢ any success with your attempts at¢ finding a weakness in the Borg? And¢ Mr. Data, have you been able to¢ access their command pathways?"¢¢ <Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we¢ found the answer by searching ¢ through our archives on late¢ Twentieth - Century computing¢ technology."¢¢ <Geordi presses a key, and a logo¢ appears on the computer screen.>¢¢ <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell¢ is 'Microsoft'?"¢¢ <Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to¢ explain. We will send this program,¢ for some reason called 'Windows',¢ through the Borg command pathways.¢ Once inside their root command unit,¢ it will begin consuming system¢ resources at an unstoppable rate."¢¢ <Pichard> "But the Borg have the¢ ability to adapt. Won't they alter¢ their processing systems to increase¢ their storage capacity?"¢¢ <Data> "Yes, Captain. But when¢ 'Windows' detects this, it creates a¢ new version of itself known as an¢ 'upgrade'. The use of resources¢ increases exponentially with each¢ iteration. The Borg will not be able¢ to adapt quickly enough. Eventually¢ all of their processing ability will¢ be taken over and none will be¢ available for their normal¢ operational functions."¢¢ <Pichard> "Excellent work. This is¢ even better than that 'unsolvable¢ geometric shape' idea."¢¢¢ . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .¢¢¢ <Data> "Captain, We have¢ successfully installed the 'Windows'¢ in the command unit and as expected¢ it immediately consumed 85% of all¢ resources. We however have not¢ received any confirmation of the¢ expected 'upgrade'."¢¢ <Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up¢ an increase in Borg storage and CPU¢ capacity to compensate, but we still¢ have no indication of an 'upgrade' to¢ compensate for their increase."¢¢ <Pichard> "Data, scan the history¢ banks again and determine if their is¢ something we have missed."¢¢ <Data> "Sir, I believe their is a¢ reason for the failure in the¢ 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have¢ circumvented that part of the plan by¢ not sending in their registration¢ cards.¢¢ <Riker> "Captain we have no choice. ¢ Requesting permission to begin¢ emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."¢¢ <Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I¢ just detected their CPU capacity has¢ suddenly dropped to 0% !"¢¢ <Pichard> "Data, what does your¢ scanner show?"¢¢ <Data> "Apparently the Borg have¢ found the internal 'Windows' module¢ named 'Solitaire' and it has used up¢ all the CPU capacity."¢¢ <Pichard> "Lets wait and see how¢ long this 'solitaire' can reduce¢ their functionality."¢¢¢ . . . Two Hours Pass . . .¢¢¢ <Riker> "Geordi what's the status on¢ the Borg?"¢¢ <Geordi> "As expected the Borg are¢ attempting to reengineer to¢ compensate for increased CPU and¢ storage demands, but each time they¢ successfully increase resources I¢ have setup our closest deep space¢ monitor beacon to transmit more¢ 'windows' modules from something¢ called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.¢¢ <Pichard> "How much time will that¢ buy us ?"¢¢ <Data> "Current Borg solution rates¢ allow me to predicate an interest¢ time span of 6 more hours."¢¢ <Geordi> "Captain, another vessel¢ has entered our sector."¢¢ <Pichard> "Identify."¢¢ <Data> "It appears to have markings¢ very similar to the 'Microsoft'¢ logo"¢¢ <Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL¢ BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP¢ MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE¢ CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE¢ IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS¢ AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU¢ HAVE 10 SECONDS"¢¢ <Data> "The alien ship has just¢ opened its forward hatches and¢ released thousands of humanoid shaped¢ objects."¢¢ <Pichard> "Magnify forward viewer on¢ the alien craft"¢¢ <Riker> "Good God captain! Those¢ are humans floating straight toward¢ the Borg ship with no life support¢ suits! How can they survive the¢ tortures of deep space ?!"¢¢ <Data> "I don't believe that those¢ are humans sir, if you will look¢ closer I believe you will see that¢ they are carrying something¢ recognized by twenty-first century¢ man as doe skin leather briefcases,¢ and wearing Armani suits"¢¢ <Riker and Pichard together¢ horrified> "Lawyers !!"¢¢ <Geordi> "It can't be. All the¢ Lawyers were rounded up and sent¢ hurtling into the sun in 2017 during¢ the Great Awakening."¢¢ <Data> "True, but apparently some¢ must have survived."¢¢ <Riker> "They have surrounded the¢ Borg ship and are covering it with¢ all types of papers."¢¢ <Data> "I believe that is known in¢ ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it¢ often proves fatal."¢¢ <Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to¢ pieces !"¢¢ <Pichard> "Turn off the monitors. I¢ can't stand to watch, not even the¢ Borg deserve that."¢¢ (This parody was forwarded to me by a¢ friend. It has apparently made its¢ way around the Internet. While I was¢ reading it, I realize what simplicity¢ we enjoy with our Classic Ataris --¢ ed.)¢¢ o=o=o=o=o=¢¢¢¢
