¢ o=o=o=o=o=¢¢ HUMOR CORNER¢¢ Our computers are like the little¢ girl with the little curl. "When¢ they are good they are very, very,¢ good; and when they are bad ..." ¢ Hopefully we can learn enough about¢ them to prevent those bad times, but¢ until we do, the following passages¢ may help. I got both of them as¢ forwarded e-mail from friends.¢¢ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -¢¢ UNDERSTANDING COMPUTER JARGON ¢ ____________________________________¢ This is a classic that most of you¢ haven't seen yet.¢¢ When I went to college in the 1980's,¢ I heard a lot of words like "data¢ input" and "beta version." They¢ confused me. I wanted desperately to¢ know what people were talking about,¢ what Big Secret resided in the¢ computer industry.¢¢ Now that I've worked in a computer¢ company for the last few years, I've¢ gained an insider's perspective. I¢ decided to share my knowledge with¢ the uninitiated by creating the¢ following brief, handy glossary:¢¢ ALPHA. Software undergoes alpha¢ testing as a first step in getting¢ user feedback. Alpha is Latin for¢ "doesn't work."¢¢ BETA. Software undergoes beta¢ testing shortly before it's released.¢ Beta is Latin for "still doesn't¢ work."¢¢ COMPUTER. Instrument of torture. ¢ The first computer was invented by¢ Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British¢ scientist. In a plot to overthrow¢ Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself¢ as a German ally and offered his¢ invention as a gift to the surly¢ dictator. The plot worked. On April¢ 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at¢ the "Incompatible File Format" error¢ message that he shot himself. The war¢ ended soon after Hitler's death, and¢ Duffy began working for IBM.¢¢ CPU. Central propulsion unit. The¢ CPU is the computer's engine. It¢ consists of a hard drive, an¢ interface card and a tiny spinning¢ wheel that's powered by a running¢ rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a¢ old machine, a ferret if it's a¢ Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's¢ a Pentium II.¢¢ DEFAULT DIRECTORY. Black hole. ¢ Default directory is where all files¢ that you need disappear to.¢¢ ERROR MESSAGE. Terse, baffling¢ remark used by programmers to place¢ blame on users for the program's¢ shortcomings.¢¢ FILE. A document that has been saved¢ with an unidentifiable name. It helps¢ to think of a file as something¢ stored in a file cabinet - except¢ when you try to remove the file, the¢ cabinet gives you an electric shock¢ and tells you the file format is¢ unknown.¢¢ HARDWARE. Collective term for any¢ computer-related object that can be¢ kicked or battered.¢¢ HELP. What we all need. Actually, it¢ is the feature that assists in¢ generating more questions. When the¢ help feature is used correctly, users¢ are able to navigate through a series¢ of Help screens and end up where they¢ started from without learning¢ anything.¢¢ INPUT/OUTPUT. Information is input¢ from the keyboard as intelligible¢ data and output to the printer as¢ unrecognizable junk.¢¢ INTERIM RELEASE. A programmer's¢ feeble attempt at repentance.¢¢ MEMORY. Of computer components, the¢ most generous in terms of variety,¢ and the skimpiest in terms of¢ quantity.¢¢ PRINTER. A joke in poor taste. A¢ printer consists of three main parts:¢ the case, the jammed paper tray and¢ the blinking red light.¢¢ PROGRAMMERS. Computer avengers. ¢ Once members of that group of high¢ school nerds who wore tape on their¢ glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons,¢ and memorized Star Trek episodes; now¢ millionaires who create "user-¢ friendly" software to get revenge on¢ whoever gave them noogies.¢¢ REFERENCE MANUAL. Object that raises¢ the monitor to eye level. Also used¢ to compensate for that short table¢ leg.¢¢ SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE. A carefully¢ calculated date determined by¢ estimating the actual shipping date¢ and subtracting six months from it.¢¢ USER-FRIENDLY. Of or pertaining to¢ any feature, device or concept that¢ makes perfect sense to a programmer.¢¢ USERS. Collective term for those who¢ stare vacantly at a monitor. Users¢ are divided into three types: novice,¢ intermediate and expert.¢¢ - NOVICE USERS. People who are¢ afraid that simply pressing a¢ key might break their computer.¢¢ - INTERMEDIATE USERS. People who¢ don't know how to fix their¢ computer after they've just¢ pressed a key that broke it.¢¢ - EXPERT USERS. People who break¢ other people's computers.¢ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -¢¢¢ You Know You're Too Serious¢ About Computers...¢¢ * You comment, while watching a¢ sunset, that the image would be¢ enhanced with 10% more magenta and¢ a higher resolution.¢¢ * When someone tells you about a¢ great new program and you're very¢ disappointed to find it's on TV.¢¢ * If while driving down the street,¢ you are confused by the numbers on¢ the houses - they do not appear to¢ be legitimate WWW addresses.¢¢ * When you find it easier to dial-up¢ the National Weather Service¢ Weather/your_town/now.html than to¢ simply look out the window.¢¢ * When you start using phrases like:¢ Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home¢¢ * If you call in sick because you¢ found a great new WWW site.¢¢ * If you can type your top 10 favor-¢ ite Web sites, by heart.¢¢ * If your fingers quit moving because¢ you've been online for 36 hours.¢¢ * If your net provider suggests you¢ try a competitor, because you're¢ exceeding 300 hours a month connect¢ time.¢¢ * If on the way home from work, you¢ use your portable and cellular¢ phone in your car, to reprogram a¢ Tomahawk missile, in flight, and¢ redirect it to take out the joker¢ in the Cadillac who cut you off.¢¢ * When your desk collapses under¢ the weight of your computer¢ peripherals.¢¢ * If you try to press Alt-F4 to close¢ your car window.¢¢ o=o=o=o=o=¢¢¢
