<*><*>¢¢ A GUIDE TO COMPUTER VIRUSES¢ from DACE Mar/Apr newsletter¢ and reprinted by OL' HACKERS¢ A.U.G.¢¢ ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of¢ bytes out of your APPLE.¢¢ AIRLINE VIRUS: Your in New York, but¢ your DATA is in Singapore.¢¢ FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes¢ obsessed with marrying its own¢ motherboard.¢¢ ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER VIRUS: Stays¢ resident but Terminates itself, and¢ it'll be back.¢¢ AT&T VIRUS: Every three minitutes it¢ tells you what great service you are¢ getting.¢¢ CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes¢ frequent mistakes and comes in last in¢ the reviews, but you still love it.¢¢ CLEVLAND INDIAN VIRUS: Makes your¢ 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.¢¢ CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer¢ locks up. screen splits erratically¢ with a message appearing on each half,¢ blaming the other side for the¢ problem.¢¢ CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS # 2: Runs every¢ program on the Hard Drive¢ simultaneously, but doesn't allow the¢ user to accomplish anything.¢¢ DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system¢ from spawning a child process without¢ joining into a binary network.¢¢ DAN QUAYLE VIRUS # 2: Their is¢ sumthing rong wit yor komputer, it¢ jsut cant figyour out watt!¢¢ ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat,¢ slow and lazy, then self destructs;¢ only to resurface at shopping malls¢ across rural AMERICA.¢¢ FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your¢ Hard Disk into hundreds of little¢ units, each of which does practically¢ nothing, but all of which claim to be¢ the most important part of your¢ computer.¢¢ GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the¢ PC's infected will lose 38 percent of¢ their DATA 14 percent of the time¢ (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of¢ error.)¢¢ GEORGE B@SH VIRUS: It starts by boldly¢ stating, "READ MY DOCS...NO NEW¢ FILES!" on the screen. It then¢ proceeds to fill up all the free space¢ on your HARD DRIVE with new useless¢ files, and then blames it on the¢ CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS.¢¢ GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing¢ works, but all your DIAGNOSTIC¢ SOFTWARE says everything is fine.¢¢ HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system¢ for a day, finds nothing wrong, and¢ sends you a bill for $4,500.¢¢ IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song¢ (slightly off key) on boot up, then¢ subtracts money from your BUDGET¢ account and spends it all on expensive¢ shoes it purchases through PRODIGY.¢¢ JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can¢ never be found again.¢¢ KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer¢ shut down as an act of mercy.¢¢ MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great¢ virus, but it refuses to run!¢¢ MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it¢ reminds you that you're paying to much¢ for the AT&T virus!¢¢ NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably¢ harmless, but it makes a lot of people¢ really mad just thinking about it.¢¢ NIKE VIRUS: Just does it!¢¢ OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your¢ printer to become a paper shredder.¢¢ OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB Hard¢ Drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and¢ then slowly expands back to 200MB, and¢ starts to shrink yet once again.¢¢ PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary¢ virus does not horse around. It warns¢ you of impending Hard Disk attack-once¢ if by LAN, twice if by C:>.¢¢ PBS VIRUS: Your program stops every¢ few minutes to ask for money.¢¢ POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls¢ itself a "VIRUS", but instead refers¢ to itself as an "ELECTRONIC¢ MICROORGANISM".¢¢ RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you¢ to delete a file, regardless how old¢ it is. If you attempt to erase a file,¢ it requires you to first see a¢ programmers counselor about possible¢ alternatives.¢¢ ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every¢ component in your system, just before¢ the whole damn thing quits.¢¢ STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system¢ in places where no virus has gone¢ before.¢¢ TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your¢ monochrome monitor.¢¢ TRAMIEL VIRUS: Promises to add¢ instantaneous multi-programs to your¢ system, but is never seen or heard¢ from again.¢¢ TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that its¢ bigger than any other file in your¢ system.¢¢ <*><*>¢