I'll never try to convince anyone that reviewing computer games is a horribly taxing, unfulfilling job. The perks are obvious. I go to work and play Doom II, Wing Commander III, Descent (stop me if you're getting jealous). Of course, I'd play those games even if I was flipping burgers too, just not on the job. One of the best things about this job is that I come into contact with a bunch of great games that I might not have heard of as a consumer, games that don't have the high-profile name recognition of a Doom or Wing Commander. Games like Crystal Caliburn, ClockWerx, and Shanghai: Great Moments are games I would most likely have passed up in the stores, and I am lucky to have come across them at work.

	Which brings me to a game called Iron Assault. Here is another of those job-related perks. This time I'm not talking about a diamond in the rough; this time I'm talking about something you wouldn't want to get on your shoes. Iron Assault is a "big robot" game from Graffiti, released by Virgin to fill the void between EarthSiege and MechWarrior II. People have been waiting with bated breath for Activision's next Mech game; in the fall they were appeased temporarily by Dynamix's offering into the genre (EarthSiege), but now they're growing restless again. Many people longing for this type of armored combat game may be attracted to Iron Assault just because it's there. Take it from someone with experience – there's no worse reason for buying a game. If you need to learn your lessons the hard way, go down to the software store and throw your money away on Iron Assault. Just don't come crying to me.

	Since I started playing Iron Assault I've been trying to come up with a compact phrase that would summarize the game. So far "rampant mediocrity" is the best I can come up with. On the outside, Iron Assault pretends to be an armored combat simulator akin to EarthSiege, but once you play it you realize that in reality it's nothing more than a very dull Doom clone with robots instead of demons.

	Iron Assault is set in another interchangeable "bleak near-future" worlds that provide the flimsy backgrounds of good and bad games alike. Criminal corporations have taken over the world with gargantuan fighting robots, and you must use similar technology to lead the resistance to victory. This is set up in the intro sequence, which is notable only for its accidental humor value. The video segments are shot in two-color palettes, so instead of video with actual colors you see grainy pictures in varying shades of green and black, red and black, or blue and black. The videos focus on battles between robots, all of which look like they come straight out of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, or maybe a Mothra movie. The voice-over, read by someone who should never do this sort of thing again, evokes memories of Criswell's speech at the beginning of Ed Wood's movie Plan 9 From Outer Space: "We are all interested in the future, because that is where we are going to spend the rest of our lives; and remember, future events such as these will affect you in the future." I hadn't even played the game yet and already I was laughing at it. Not promising.

	I was not horribly surprised to find that the graphic non-quality of the intro set the tone for the in-mission visuals as well. Although you have actual colors during gameplay, they aren't very exciting. Most of the scenarios feature a lot of gray, brown, gray-brown, and brown-gray; the arctic missions are drawn in white, pale white, and paler white. The game's box boasts "unprecedented graphic realism due to the use of 3D texture mapping and robot models," which makes me wonder if the designers of Iron Assault have any swampland off the turnpike they'd be willing to part with. The robots you come across are poorly-drawn blocky 2D images. Blowing them up doesn't really provide an ego boost or an adrenaline rush, but at least you don't have to look at them anymore.

	The one positive thing I can say about Iron Assault is that it's much easier to learn and control than EarthSiege, but there's a catch. The reason it's easier to deal with is because it's not a big robot simulation at all. It's a Doom clone that lets you turn your head from side to side. Your movement is actually quite smooth, but considering the graphic dead zone you're wandering around in, that's hardly a momentous feat. You do have a collection of radar modes and ECMs, but most of the battlefields are small enough that your radar is relatively useless. Taking on multiple robots at once can be something of a challenge, but most of the time the game degenerates into a bug hunt, with you wandering around ugly terrain searching for stupid-looking robots to blow up. It has all the fun, excitement, and intrigue of buying sock garters.

	I'll make one final point before I stop ragging on this pathetic little game. (If I haven't dissuaded you from buying Iron Assault yet I have failed miserably.) This is just so totally ridiculous I have to make fun of it. Iron Assault supports joystick control. Sort of. When I tried to use this "exotic" control scheme (and I tried it using multiple sticks on multiple computers) I found that the joystick doesn't actually allow you to move. You can fire your weapon, but that's it. Anything else you'd like to do – such as select a different weapon, turn your head, or (!gasp!) move must still be done with the keyboard. I'm not making this up! I don't have to!

	Iron Assault is a game that really doesn't have any redeeming qualities apart from its gentle learning curve. (There's just not much here to learn, folks.) Bad graphics, goofy sounds (crushing a lamp post gives you the same sound as walking over a tree), and gameplay more akin to Corridor 7 than EarthSiege combine to make Iron Assault a complete waste of time. It's by no means the worst game in the world, but you'll be utterly sick of it ten minutes after you break the shrink wrap. Don't waste your time. Download some shareware instead.