ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί RANDOM THOUGHTS Ί Ί (C) 1993 AmeriBoard Enterprises Ί ΜΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΉ Ί Issue VII - September, 1993 by D.P. McIntire Ί ΜΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΉ Ί RANDOM THOUGHTS is an electronic publication distributed via the shareware Ί Ί concept of marketing. If you find it worthy, please send a registration Ί Ί of $ 3.00 to: AmeriBoard Enterprises, P.O. Box 445, Penn Run PA 15765. Ί ΜΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΉ Ί RANDOM THOUGHTS may be distributed freely via computerized bulletin board Ί Ί systems. It may be placed on-line as a bulletin, door, or by any other Ί Ί means available. Such distribution will not be considered as a violation Ί Ί of the existing copyright. RANDOM THOUGHTS may also be distributed via CD Ί Ί ROM diskette without copyright violation. Ί ΜΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΉ Ί RANDOM THOUGHTS may not be distributed on 5.25" or 3.5" diskette, nor may Ί Ί it be copied onto 5.25" or 3.5" diskettes. Such copying or distribution Ί Ί will be considered a violation of copyright law, and violators will be Ί Ί prosecuted under United States Copyright Law, or International Copyright Ί Ί Law, whichever is applicable. Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί THE STATE OF TODAY'S BANKS, PART II - A FOLLOW-UP. Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ In last month's issue of RT, I moaned and groaned over the state of banking in the 1990's: service fees galore and low interest rates in the hope that banks can save themselves, unlike the S&L's a few years back. A brief follow-up to that is that I actually found a bank that doesn't treat its customers like cattle. No, I haven't received a check from the American Banking Association, I'm serious here. I won't mention the name of the bank, but I actually found one that has no service fees (unless you overdraw your account, or keep a balance below $ 500 in it), and, honest-to-god, you won't believe it - remembers me by name! How about that! I wish I had children, because they still give out lollipops too! ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί THE LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW WARS... Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ Well, we're heading into September 1993, which means that the time Americans have been ballyhooing for six months is about to begin. The start of the football season? No. The return of weather that isn't too hot or too cold, but just right? No, not that either. I refer of course to that now almost annual ritual: the resumption of the late night talk show wars. This year, the combatants are different, however. Over on NBC, there's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The program has been around for 30 years (well, only one and a half if you only count Jay Leno's hosting of the show), and it has become a semi-fallen icon of American television. When Johnny Carson left last May to bask in the brilliant sun of his tennis courts, Jay Leno took the reigns, as well as a lot of heat. If anything, Leno has the home court advantage in the '93 talk show war, simply because he's been in the game, with the same team, for the longest time. David Letterman packed his bags at NBC's 12:30 slot and moved both across the dial, across the town, and across a time warp. Letterman's program is now on CBS (for those who have lived in a cave all year), and is called "Late Show with David Letterman." And remember kids, you can't spell SCUBA without CBS! Letterman should be the undisputed king of late night, having earned that crown after Carson's retirement with 11-plus years of on-air hilarity (and, like Carson, Letterman has bombed all too often as well). The move to the Ed Sullivan Theatre in New York, the $40 gazillion dollars he's being paid for the show, and the head-to-head battle with Jay Leno doesn't seem to be keeping Dave from sleeping at night. He can only fall on his tush, right? Chevy Chase is keeping quiet about his show. The Chevy Chase show will debut on the Fox Network in September, and judging solely by his own attitude, the show is destined for failure. The only bright spot the network discusses at any length is a take-off of the 70's SNL "Weekend Update" bit that helped make Chase famous. Chase and Fox promise a lot of physical humor (something Chase is well known for) mixed in with the talk show format. How many times can we, the American television viewer, watch Chevy Chase injur himself for our entertainment? I give him a year, maybe two if circumstances are right, before he collapses under the weight of the big hitters. Conan "The Annihilator" O'Brien takes to the air, succeeding David Letterman in the air chair of "Late Night" on NBC. Critics speak about him in an aura of total mystery, as if they don't know what to expect from him. He wrote for the Simpsons, which should tell you that the guy is funny. However, does he have what it takes to make it, even as a bit player, in the late night arena? My guess is that Conan "The Annihilator" O'Brien will follow well in David Letterman's footsteps for a year or two. Then, NBC will be searching for a replacement: and fast. Look for several people in a year or two to be rejecting offers to take over Late Night (as did Garry Shandling and a few others earlier this year). Another unknown will get the nod, and we'll be talking about this in Issue XXXIV of Random Thoughts. Overall, I see Letterman winning the Late Night war, but I don't see him overwhelming Leno, Chase, or "The Annihilator." I see competition between Leno and Letterman intense as they battle for rating points, advertising dollars, and fan support. However, in the end, the 1993 season will finally prove that there is room for both of them in the same slot - and that we all will benefit in the end. ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί MY NFL PICKS IN 1993 ARE GOOD, BUT DON'T PUT MONEY ON THEM. Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ On my BBS, AmeriBoard, I make a fool of myself by trying to predict who will finish where in the NFL season. I usually embarrass myself by picking a team to win the division: that team invariably finishes fourth. But, in any event, I've decided to take the tradition and add it to Random Thoughts because, after all, the magazine must live up to its name: AMERICAN CONFERENCE EASTERN DIVISION: CENTRAL DIVISION: WESTERN DIVISION: Miami Dolphins Pittsburgh Steelers K.C. Chiefs Buffalo Bills Houston Oilers San Diego Chargers New York Jets Cleveland Browns Denver Broncos Indianapolis Colts Cincinnati Bengals L.A. Raiders New England Patriots Seattle Seahawks NATIONAL CONFERENCE EASTERN DIVISION: CENTRAL DIVISION: WESTERN DIVISION: Dallas Cowboys Minnesota Vikings New Orleans Saints Washington Redskins Green Bay Packers S.F. 49'ers New York Giants Detroit Lions Atlanta Falcons Philadelphia Eagles Chicago Bears Los Angeles Rams Phoenix Cardinals Tampa Buccaneers AFC PLAYOFF TEAMS: NFC PLAYOFF TEAMS: SUPER BOWL XXVIII: Miami, Pittsburgh, Dallas, Minnesota, San Diego Chargers Kansas City, Buffalo, New Orleans, San over Houston & San Diego Francisco, Green Bay Wash. Redskins and Washington ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί MORE ON THE NFL - LET'S REALIGN ALREADY! Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ A note to Paul Tagliabue, Neil Austrian, and the other head honchos of the National Football League: realign the league already! It's an embarrassment to have the Phoenix Cardinals in the Eastern Division, the Atlanta Falcons in the West, and the Tampa Buccaneers in the Central Division of the NFC! Get with the program! Someone tell me when the following became true: - Indianapolis became further East than Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Houston or Cleveland; - Phoenix became further East than any other NFC team outside California; - Tampa, situated on the Gulf of Mexico, became further west than Dallas; - Dallas became further East than Green Bay, Chicago, or Atlanta; - Atlanta became further West than Dallas, Phoenix, Minnesota or Chicago? Paul, Neil, let me give you two different ways of realigning the league. The first uses the same, three-division format that we've grown accustomed to since the AFL-NFL merger 23 years ago. How about this... AMERICAN CONFERENCE EASTERN DIVISION: CENTRAL DIVISION: WESTERN DIVISION: Buffalo Bills Indianapolis Colts San Diego Chargers New York Jets Houston Oilers Denver Broncos New England Patriots Kansas City Chiefs Los Angeles Raiders Miami Dolphins Cleveland Browns Seattle Seahawks Pittsburgh Steelers Cincinnati Bengals NATIONAL CONFERENCE EASTERN DIVISION: CENTRAL DIVISION: WESTERN DIVISION: Atlanta Falcons Chicago Bears San Francisco 49ers Tampa Buccaneers Minnesota Vikings Los Angeles Rams Washington Redskins Green Bay Packers Dallas Cowboys New York Giants Detroit Lions Phoenix Cardinals Philadelphia Eagles New Orleans Saints Or fellas, we can realign it using a method that makes things more simple, bringing the NFL back to a day when only four divisions existed. Try this... EASTERN: Buffalo, NY Jets, New England, Pittsburgh, Washington, NY Giants and Philadelphia. SOUTHERN: Miami, Atlanta, Tampa, Houston, New Orleans, Dallas, Kansas City. CENTRAL: Indianapolis, Minnesota, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Chicago, Detroit, and Green Bay. WESTERN: San Diego, Denver, LA Raiders, Seattle, San Francisco, LA Rams and Phoenix. Want 12 teams in the playoffs? Fine. With the four division system, the top three in each division make the playoffs. By the way, there are no AFC or NFC in this format, so you're always assured of the league's two best teams making the Super Bowl. Neat, huh? ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί NOW BASEBALL WANTS THREE DIVISIONS, OYE! Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ Now that we've fixed the NFL's alignment problem, let's take a look at Major League Baseball's decision to realign, and discussion, god forbid, of having interleague play. I'm opposed to interleague play because it will not accomplish what everyone who is in favor of it thinks: they believe that it will create regional rivalries that entice people to come to the ballpark. This will be true - for about two or three years, until the novelty wears off. After that, it will be just another weekend series - and if one or both teams are out of the playoff hunt, then whoa! Can you picture even LOWER attendance as a real possibility? The Cubs playing the White Sox at Wrigley on a Friday afternoon would be a joy to watch, but from a financial aspect, I just don't see it working very well beyond say, 1997. In any event, let's realign Major League Baseball, shall we? Using the now in vogue three-division format, let's break up, ehr, save baseball... A.L. EASTERN: Boston, NY Yankees, Baltimore, Cleveland, Toronto. A.L. CENTRAL: Detroit, Milwaukee, Chi.White Sox, Minnesota, Kansas City. A.L. WESTERN: California, Seattle, Oakland, Texas. N.L. EASTERN: NY Mets, Montreal, Philadelphia, Florida, Atlanta. N.L. CENTRAL: Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Chicago, Houston, St.Louis. N.L. WESTERN: Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, Colorado. And, by the way, another note: the idea of having an additional round of playoffs is fine in a three-division format as far as I'm concerned. But please, please, PLEASE have the "divisional playoffs" be a best-of-three series, and the league championship series reduced to a best-of-five. I would like to think of baseball as a game that isn't played in the snow. ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί OKAY, ONE MORE FOOTBALL BIT - THE NFL PASSER RATING SYSTEM. Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ The National Football League has called its top quarterback the "NFL's top rated passer" now for nearly 20 years. I have pored over documentation on the rating system, mainly from the annual NFL Record and Fact Books, and I'll be damned if I can figure this out. Try to follow along as I cite this example of how to figure the passer rating system out: The system is based on four statistical categories: Completion Percentage, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, Percentage of Interceptions, and Average Yards Gained per Attempt. QUARTERBACK A has thrown 23 passes, completing 11. This is a 47.8% completion percentage, which naturally works out in the NFL's system to a 0.890. How they come up with this number, I don't know - and there's no explanation. QUARTERBACK A has one touchdown in those 23 attempts, which works out to a percentage of 4.3%. The rating is... come on, you know it... right! 0.860! QUARTERBACK A did not throw an interception, and since you can't do better than zero (the last 6 words are written VERBATIM from the NFL's guide), the passer receives a maximum rating of 2.375. QUARTERBACK A threw for 114 yards. Divided by 23 attempts, this works out to 4.96 yards per attempt for a corresponding rating of 0.490. Simple, isn't it? The sum of these four ratings is 4.615, which in the NFL's eyes magically converts to a rating of 76.9. For a passer to reach a rating of 100 his total would have to be 6.000. Okay, I'll buy that... BUT HOW THE HELL DO THEY COME UP WITH THE REST OF IT? I'll pay $ 100.00 to anyone (and this is no joke, I'm serious) who can sit down and show me (or leave me a note which shows me) EXACTLY how these numbers are derived. The $ 50.00 will be awarded as soon as I am capable of sitting down and determining a particular passer's rating and have it match documentation. (NFL owners, players, lawyers, and other employees are exempt from this contest, incidentally.) ΙΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝ» Ί PARTING THOUGHT: Ί ΘΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΝΌ A heat wave has been causing gallons upon gallons of sweat to pour from the bodies of millions of Northeasterners the past ten days or so. One of my employees wears black shirts to work in 95ψ weather, wrangles in a condensed space in heat so intense my glasses fog up, and then has the stones to sit there, smile, and say, "C'mon D.P., it's all in your head!" Don't you just want to kill people like that? - end -