Once upon a time there was a man who lived on a parsimonious budget of $25 a week, while he recovered from a major traffic accident. Luckily, he did not have to shell out a penny for movie tickets as he had the proverbial "connections." After sitting through one incredibly awful "film," which shall remain nameless, he limped out of the theater thinking "I would have paid seven bucks to see this thing? It wasn't even worth three bucks for the rental!" Thus was born the Movie Rating Scale of one to seven, $7 being what it cost at the time to buy a ticket to a first run movie. Back then, rentals were about three bucks, pay per view was $5, which set nice benchmarks for the scale. For two years these ratings circulated privately, until said man came to work for Entertainment Drive. Renamed "The Cranky Critic," he has been writing his reviews, and defending them online with eDrive subscribers since 1995. Cranky attended film school at Northwestern and NYU, but he tries to put a lot of that out of his mind. His take on everything he sees is based strictly on dollar value. You go to the movies to be entertained, or enthralled, or scared out of your gourds, and you don't want to be misled by "critic" and publicity machines that promise what isn't there. Cranky kicked up controversy early on when he wrote, "I wouldn't pay a penny for 'Heat,'" one of the heaviest hyped flicks at the time. For three months he answered e-mail online, carefully explaining continuity errors, plot errors and reverses, timing errors, and the sheer impossibility and nonsense of what other critics were raving about. While those critics were predicting major Oscar nominations and awards, Cranky stuck by his guns and waited it out. "Heat" scored not a single nomination. Not even costume or makeup. One for Cranky. Entertainment value means just about everything to Cranky. Stupid stories can be fun, sometimes: "'Broken Arrow' is a cinematic 'Marvel' comic book. Beat 'em up. Bust 'em up. Blow everything up around 'em. Stomp 'em. Shoot 'em. Smash 'em with a tire iron. And THEY NEVER GET HURT! That's how goofy this movie is." Nor is Cranky swayed by waves of publicity. What he doesn't like, he's blunt about: "All the actors involved in 'Showgirls' should just cash their checks and hope this thing vanishes as fast as possible, so they can get on with their careers as REAL actors. Except for those who think that this is REAL acting. They should have someone tell them to give it up. Which is what I, the Cranky Critic, am for." And when praise is to be lavished, it is: "...I never would have expected a film like 'Mr. Holland's Opus,' which is balanced so delicately on an edge between emotionally touching, and emotionally crass and exploitative, to have been helmed by the director of 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure' and 'The Mighty Ducks.' His name is Stephen Herek and he did an excellent job." Cranky does not work in the stratisfied world of private screenings and lavish PR parties. He pays for his tickets just like anyone else. 99.9% of the movies he sees, he sees with real audiences, not other critics. He watches the screen. He watches the audience. He talks with the audience after the film is done. The opinions of the "crankified" hold great weight and are cited in the reviews. The Cranky Critic posts his reviews on Entertainment Drive every week, and he answers every single piece of e-mail posted online. It makes for interesting conversation, and you are cordially invited to join in. The Cranky Critic (TM) Chuck Schwartz.