If You Need: Help With Marriage Problems

When you are told you have cancer, you may experience changes in your marriage. Some people feel their marriage becomes stronger as they work together to deal with the crisis of cancer. For other marriages, the crisis can cause strain. Marriage problems can develop because the discovery of their cancer leaves people worried and upset. They are often not as able to deal with problems as they were before their illness. You may not be sure how much to share with your spouse.

You may think your spouse does not understand your feelings. Sometimes talking to each other is hard, since people with cancer and their spouses are not sure what to say. They try to protect each other from their worries and fears. Sometimes when a marriage is troubled before the discovery of cancer, the news makes the marital problems seem worse. If you are having marriage problems, you need to deal with them. If you don't, the problems may interfere with your ability to cope with cancer.

A Marriage Counseling Service Can:

How Do You Find These Services?

Talk with your doctor, nurse, or social worker if you have marriage problems that interfere with your ability to cope. Marriage problems may be short-term, or they may have been part of the relationship for a long time. If your spouse is not ready to get help, go alone. Ask the counselor for ideas that will help you improve your relationship.

Hospitals often have people trained to assist with problems that relate to cancer. But, sometimes these trained people are not able to help with marriage problems. They may lack training in marriage counseling, or the hospital staff may be too small. If this is the case, you can find a private counselor or a community counseling service.

If you want a private counselor, ask a cancer counselor at the hospital to refer you to someone. Community agencies that help with marriage problems include Family Service of America, Jewish Family Service, and Catholic Social Service.

Helpful Hints

Sometimes marriage problems are short-term and will improve without help. Some couples can solve problems by themselves. If, after trying to work problems out with your spouse, the problems remain or get worse, a marriage counselor may be able to help you. Counselors can often help you change things faster than trying to work it out by yourself.

Going to a marriage counselor does not mean your marriage is over. It also does not mean you have to stay in a marriage that you are certain will never work. It does mean you are willing to try to work on your problems and make decisions that can help you be happier.

Marriage counselors do not tell people what to do. Their job is to help you decide what you want for yourself and your marriage. They offer you ideas that help you work toward your goals.

Children are always affected by a troubled marriage. They often think they are the cause of their parents' troubles. Sometimes their worries show up in behavior changes, school problems, or drug and alcohol use. Your children will usually be relieved if they see you are getting help for your marriage.

This Fact Sheet is adapted from the book, Helping People Cope: A Guide for Families Facing Cancer, written by Joan F. Hermann, ACSW, Sandra L. Wojtkowiak, RN, MSN, Peter S. Houts, Ph.D., and S. Benham Kahn, MD, and supported by the Pennsylvania Cancer Control Program of the Pennsylvania Department of Health; 1990 Revised Edition.

c 1993, American Cancer Society, Inc.

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