>WARNING: This story contains frank and vulgar discussion of sexual promiscuity, abuse of controlled substances, and other offensive behavior. If you didn't like the first draft, this version will make blood come out of your ears. You'd better not read it ...

{SD-Frank}: "Pah. I've 'ad worse...have at you!"
[SD-Justy] : "Heh. If I can survive Angel of Darkness II then I can survive this, no problem."
{SD-Frank}: "That bad, huh?"

>I've made substantial changes, mostly additions, since the first draft. This version includes a script-style lemon scene and, believe it or not, poetry!

{SD-Frank}: "Hmm..poetry in a fic to go along with the Mad Passionate Sex? What's next, elevator music..?"

>[LEMON] Ranma 1/2: A Real Man
(second draft)
by Doughboy

{SD-Frank}: "Doughboy...is that not the name of a great fanfic author or what? ^_^"
[SD-Justy] : "Let the lascivious prose of Pillsbury begin!"

>I couldn't believe what was happening. Akane was standing at her bed, with her right foot on the floor and her left up on the mattress.

{SD-Frank}: "She's doing the Hokey Pokey, Striptease style!"
[SD-Justy] : "Can't wait 'til she shakes it all about."

>Already stripped down to her undies, she had unhooked her left stocking from the straps on her garter belt and was rolling it down her leg, slowly and seductively, like a model in a French TV commercial.

{SD-Frank}: "I thought it was the Australians who had the racy commercials..."

>The picture was perfect, except for occasional wobbling on Akane's part, thanks to all the punch she had downed.

{SD-Frank}: "Woo-hoo! Ranma and Akane were at a frat party! ^_^"

>I should have thrown the punch bowl - no, the whole buffet - out the window as soon as I found out that Kodachi had crashed Ukyou's party. Since I had arrived early and eaten my fill before Oyaji and Jiji could hog all the food, I was pretty much done munching out before the Black Rose showed up. Anyway, whatever she doped the food up with had reduced everybody else to various states of hallucinogenic madness.

{SD-Frank}: "Yep, defniitely a frat party...^_-"
(NOTE: Frank does not condone alcoholism or frat stereotypes - so don't sue ^_-)
[SD-Justy] : "That's right kids alcohol is bad, be a designated driver! That way you can take some liquored up girl for a drive somewhere ^_-"
{SD-Frank}: "See? We can be funny _and_ give good wholesome advice at the same time! ^_^"

>Ukyou had reverted to her boy-act, speaking in a low, gravelly voice, smoking a cigar, and hefting her "package" in derision.

{SD-Frank}: "I guess she was trying to hit on the girls, too.."
[SD-Justy] : "That's the cool thing about being a bisexual, when you strike out with one sex, you can try out the other.

>Mousse cried in a corner, whimpering something about his mother. Ryouga crawled around on all fours, grunting and squealing and eating whatever spilled on the floor. Shampoo lost her accent and spoke impeccable Japanese.

{SD-Frank}: "I suppose they all saw cool swirling lights and flying purple monkeys, too..."
[SD-Justy] : "It must be a flashback of all the LSD that their parents did in the 60's.

>But Akane's reaction was by far the most surprising.

>The drugs had turned my iinazuke into some kind of nymphomaniac. She flirted with all the guys at the party, blowing kisses and dancing dirty.

{SD-Frank}: "Isn't that "Dirty Dancing"? Where's Patrick Swayze?"
[SD-Justy] : "Akane Tendo stars in 'Lambada: The Forbidden Dance'".

> I decided to get her out of there as soon as she started doing a striptease for Kuno, who had been following me around much of the time, bowing and scraping and begging my forgiveness. All the way home, Akane was putting her hands all over me and trying to kiss me. "Baka!" I scolded. "You're high as a kite! It's Kodachi's shit talking.

[SD-Justy] : "Well ya know they say that drugs and alcohol loosens pre-existing inhibitions. Who knew that Akane was such a lustbucket? Where does the KTF stand on this?"
{SD-Frank}: "It's her stuff, the goods, the Mary Jane, the rocks...and the KTF, AFAIK, is ok with it as long as Ranma and Akane get together. Woohoo!"

> You don't mean any of this!" No, she protested, I love you, I want you, I'll be a kawaii wife for you ... blah, blah, blah.

>I wanted to do the upright and noble thing, but all Akane's attentions had Little Ranma standing at attention and somehow, he had convinced me to take Akane upstairs to her room.

[SD-Justy] : "Little Ranma? I would think that he would name it the Dojo Destroyer or something to that extent."
{SD-Frank}: "See? He said "Little". It's good to know that in at least _one_ lemon fic, Ranma's not some 12-inch banana... :p"

> My truest intention had been to make sure she fell asleep and to lock the windows and door so Akane couldn't sneak out to screw half of Nerima. But when her dress fell to the floor, I immediately forgot everything that wasn't soft, curvy and standing in front of me.

[SD-Justy] : "Why do I hear a Journey song playing in the background?"
{SD-Frank}: "They ran out of the stock sexy saxophone music they always use in these scenes.."

>When Akane finished taking removing her hose and garter, she reached around to unfasten her bra. Against all my instincts, and in violation of Sergeant Pecker's shouted orders, I reached out and stopped her. "No Akane," I whispered. "We can't do this."

[SD-Justy] : "Sergeant Pecker's Horney Heart Club Band?"
{SD-Frank}: "Too late, pal. This is a lemon. You _have_ to have sex now."

>She put her hand to my cheek. Her big, beautiful eyes shimmered. "Sweet Ranma. Don't be nervous. It's my first time, too." A light breeze blew the through the window, parting the curtains and increasing the moonlight that shone on the two of us as we stood gazing into each other's eyes.

[SD-Justy] : *singing* "I come to you... with open arms..." ... "open legs perhaps."
{SD-Frank}: "Ah...a nice KTF moment...just the way it's supposed to be."

>I burst out laughing.

{SD-Frank}: O_o
[SD-Justy] : o_O

>FIRST TIME?!

>************************************************

>Of course, Akane wouldn't know that it wasn't MY first time, not by a long shot. Hell, it wasn't even my first time in her bedroom. Once, Nabiki had thought it would be a real turn-on to

[SD-Justy] : "Ohh... Nabiki-sama !"
{SD-Frank}: "WooHOO! Nabs is in this one...! ^_^ Now if they put her in character..."

>do it on Akane's bed, always eager to be cruel to her baby sister. When I demurred, the crafty bitch

{SD-Frank}: "Boy, Ranma's a real jerk, ne..?"
[SD-Justy] : "Frankly, Frank, he deserves it!"

> pulled out a betacam cartridge of me and Hinako-sensei doing the nasty that day in detention (not one of my better performances, since the teacher was continuously draining my chi to maintain a body over the age of consent).

[SD-Justy] : "Age of consent? Bah! What's a little pedophilia.."
{SD-Frank}: "YEAH! GO NABIKI-SAMA! That's the way to hook 'em..just like a true businesswoman.." *sigh*

> I brought plenty of towels and asked Kasumi to change Akane's sheets afterwards.

[SD-Justy] : "Towels? That's what the shower is for!"

>Thankfully I've been able to keep it from Akane for all this time, but I'm no virgin. I've managed to get laid on a regular basis (not counting the cat-tongue period ... and I DO mean PERIOD)

{SD-Frank}: "I did _not_ want to hear that..."

>since I came to Nerima. And before that, I fucked girls all the way to China and back. No, Akane, I've done it hundreds of times, with plenty of different girls, and I'm really good at it, too.

{SD-Frank}: *dry voice* "It's nice to know Ranma's _so_ humble. Was this to makeup for him not having a big willie..?"
[SD-Justy] : "Yes... Its definitely a Napoleon complex."

>Now, when I say that I'm a great lover, it's not because I'm a blustering, overconfident, macho jerk. Well, I AM precisely that, but that's not why I consider myself the best lay a girl could hope for. The reason I'm the shogun of the bedroom is this: I know EXACTLY what a chick wants.

{SD-Frank}: *Ricky Ricardo mode* "Ok...'splain.."

>My advantage comes from the fact that I'm the first man in history to have felt exactly what girls feel. I've had the luxury to experiment without humiliating myself or scaring or injuring any girls.

>Before Oyaji dragged me to China, I was just like all the other jerks out there. After all the cajoling, spending, beer, dope, or whatever it took to get a girl in the mood, I used to fumble my way through a scoring opportunity.

[SD-Justy] : "This sounds like a 'before' and 'after' testimonial for an inspirational video."
{SD-Frank}: "He scores better than the Chicago Bears did this year.. -_-"

> You know what I mean: squeezing her tits as if I were wringing the water from a sponge, sticking my finger in her as if I were picking my nose, and then expecting her to be turned on by all this nonsense. No wonder they always seemed so unready when I'd finally slip them the meat and so relieved when it was all over.

{SD-Frank}: "Looks like Little Ranma's a lousy lay..at least he was, or so he says.."
[SD-Justy] : "Why yes SD-Frank! He was a lousy lay before he bought my new video 'Great Sex For Insensitive Jerks Like You!'"

> I can't believe those early girls put up with me. I look around at the kids in my class now and I can't believe that the girls put up with the clumsy shit high school guys do to them at the end of a date.

{SD-Frank}: *Kasumi voice* "Oh my, whatever do you mean?"

>For me, all that changed when I got boobs and a box of my own to play with, to "train" on. Without embarrassing myself, I was able to learn exactly where to touch and how often, how much pressure to apply and when, when slower is better than faster, and vice versa. While Oyaji and I were trying to get out of China without being killed by Shampoo, I taught myself a hundred techniques for pleasing a woman.

[SD-Justy] : "Ranma was blazing new paths in masturbation research!"
{SD-Frank}: "Just goes to show how dedicated Ranma is to his training..."

>I'm pretty much a hunk and that's helped me to score with more girls than the average dumb slob. But after Jusenkyo, girls started coming on to ME with stunning frequency. When we'd first arrived in China, without money or even basic language skills, I couldn't even get girls to share their opium with me. So I had to rely on sloppy seconds with hookers that Oyaji occasionally hired.

{SD-Frank}: "Looks like Genma and Ranma took a "tour of China" O_o"
[SD-Justy] : "Well, you can't blame Genma, people have needs."

>But after I'd been cursed, and I'd begun to understand exactly what it takes to please a woman, girls suddenly found me a lot more appealing. It was as if they knew, somewhere deep down, that I was the one guy in all the world with a fully operational gash. I didn't need any of Oyaji's cheap whores; beautiful Chinese girls were practically throwing themselves at me!

[SD-Justy] : "Just 1 of 101 uses for Chinese Acrobats."
{SD-Frank}: "That's gotta be tough on you after a while, being hit by thrown Chinese girls..."

>It is SO different having girls who really want to be had. They do stuff for you, you know? They want their man to be happy. So as we trekked across the eastern provinces, I had my first deep throat, my first ass, my first titty fuck. I had heard about such things, but knew that with the uptight junior high girls I dated back home, I was lucky just to get their panties off. But now I was having the time of my life in China, swimming in Lake Poontang.

{SD-Frank}: "Ranma's tearing China a new one, it seems...literally..O_o"
[SD-Justy] : "I guess he's partly responsible for their population boom."

>I couldn't wait to get back to Japan. Actually, I didn't even make it that far, leaving a trail of well-fucked island girls at our rest stops across the East China Sea.

[SD-Justy] : "I guess that the rest stops weren't all that restful."

>Ironically, the first Tokyo girl I had after I mastered these techniques was one who apparently felt no need to be pleasured at all. The night after we moved in with the Tendos, I was up late sitting on the roof and doing some blow. Coke makes me horny as hell and twice as impatient, so I jumped down from the roof ready to go out and get some home town pussy.

[SD-Justy] : "Ranma, the hentai crackhead is on the prowl."
{SD-Frank}: "Now we know why Coke is so popular..."

> I strolled around to the other side of the house and noticed the light on in the kitchen. I went back inside to see who was up so late.

>Standing outside the kitchen, I saw Kasumi making a whole lot of food (there was some kind of neighborhood festival the next day). She wearing a very light house dress and, because she was between me and the brightest kitchen light, I could see her voluptuous silhouette through her clothes. Driven by cocaine-inspired lust,

[SD-Justy] : "Looks like Little Ranma is gonna nail Kasumi."
{SD-Frank}: "Cripes, he meant the _drug_? Oopsie...can I return all the Coke I bought..?"

>I came up quietly behind her. In a quick but smooth movement, I bent down to start kissing her neck, cupped my hands over her ample breasts, and pressed my erection against her pillowy ass.

>As ever, Kasumi reacted calmly and sweetly. "Maa! Ranma-kun, do you need some help?"

{SD-Frank}: "Nothing frazzles ol' Kas-chan..."
[SD-Justy] : "She must have been lobotomized at birth."

>If I weren't coked up, her motherly manner probably would have made me instantly limp. But the pocket samurai remained on alert as Kasumi took my hand and led me out of the kitchen and up to her room.

{SD-Frank}: "I'm wondering how many names Ranma can come up for for his "Little Ranma"...is that three already or what..?"

> She sat me on her bed and piled up some pillows behind me, adjusting them until she was sure I was nice and comfy. Then she knelt in front of me, primly removed and folded my pants and shorts, and proceeded to give me head like I've never had from any other girl.

[SD-Justy] : "Hmm... I guess we know why Doc Tofu goes crazy when Kasumi is around."
{SD-Frank}: "Yeah, too bad like, every fifth lemon fanfic attempts to explain why that happens..."

>It wasn't like Shampoo's blow jobs, which are extremely pleasurable, but very chaotic and sloppy, with a wild and bestial fervor.

{SD-Frank}: "Well, what do you expect? She's an Amazon. I bet she bites, too..."

> Instead, Kasumi was so soft and gentle and had such precise timing, knowing exactly when to take me in her mouth and bob her head slowly up and down, when to work me from the outside with her skilled tongue and lips. In other words, she brought to that blow job the same order, the same wholesome joy, and the same sense of duty that she applies to her housework.

[SD-Justy] : "I never thought that I would hear wholesome joy used in reference to a blow job."
{SD-Frank}: "That was a smooth and poetic comparison to a lustful act like oral sex...smooth, very smooth.."

>After a few minutes of this royal treatment, I erupted like Krakatoa. And I couldn't believe it: Kasumi swallowed every drop! Despite the fact that I probably spewed about a pint of peckersnot, she wouldn't let a single slimy drop get on her frilly sheets and house dress.

[SD-Justy] : "I love the interesting use of vocabulary."

>Naturally, I went back to Kasumi for more the following nights, with oneechan gladly blowing me whenever I came to her with a boner. As a bonus, she shared with me some of the bennies she gets by the crate from Tofu-sensei and eats like candy. Nice stuff, but I try to take it easy on downers, lest they leave Mr. Happy too depressed.

{SD-Frank}: "That's four..unless he meant Happosai O_o"
[SD-Justy] : "I don't think so."

>Anyway, soon my martial artist's sense of obligation (read: macho ego) took charge and I decided that I had to give oneechan as much as she gave me. When I told her that I wanted to make love to her, Kasumi replied, "Ranma-kun, that's so sweet!" Something didn't seem right,

[SD-Justy] : "Hmm... Ranma's pecker sense was tingling."

>but I dove right in anyway. We petted for a while and I went down on her, showing off my new self-taught expertise in how to touch a girl. Then I went for the gusto.

{SD-Frank}: "Annnnd..there's Ranma, at the plate, running to home, trying to make the steal..."

>What a terrible mistake.

{SD-Frank}:"Ohh! Out at home...too bad..."

>It wasn't that she was a lousy lay, quite the opposite. Kasumi's snatch was wet, warm, and inviting. We moved well together and she held and kissed me lovingly.

[SD-Justy] : "Then what's the problem? I thought that Kasumi was going to turn out to be transgendered or something."

>Nor was it that my techniques failed. Kasumi came at least four times, moaning softly and melodically then making some quiet and absolutely kawaii little gasps as she climaxed.

{SD-Frank}: "Hmm...then again, maybe he _did_ make it home.."

>It was the look on her face.

>When Kasumi was sucking me off, she never looked me in the eye. And I just didn't pay attention to her face when we were engaged in foreplay. But when we were coupling, we were finally face to face and I was freaked out by what I saw. She stared up at me with her big brown eyes and her sweet little smile and an expression that was ... well ... mindless. I mean, it was like the lights were on and nobody was home. It was like porking a mannequin or a kid's doll.

[SD-Justy] : "It appears that my theory holds true!"
{SD-Frank}: "Nonsense, Kasumi just practices Zen, even during sex."

>I almost lost my stiffy when I saw her joyfully oblivious expression, but I mustered up all my macho bravado, determined to finish the job. I was gratified that Kasumi had so many orgasms. My new skills were proven. Mission accomplished. But that look on her face was a total turn-off: never again. Well, maybe some day, if I'm stoned enough ...

[SD-Justy] : "I wonder he'll get stoned enough to do Cologne."
{SD-Frank}: "I'll probably barf if he does..."

>But I still go to oneechan for head now and then. Since Ucchan and Nabiki never let me come in their mouths, and it's often tough to get Shampoo away from Mousse, it's nice to know I can always come home and put a new coat of whitewash on Kasumi's glottis.

{SD-Frank}: "This guy really knows his sexual metaphors...what, has he got a thesaurus or something..?
[SD-Justy] : "Well I hear that this story was originally based on one of the stories in Boccaccio's Decameron. So it possible."

>After practicing my "anything-goes carnal arts" on oneechan, I took on Tokyo like my dick was on fire and the only water was 16 cm inside the nearest woman. I focused my attentions on other high schools and other wards, not wanting to have to deal with multiple paramours every day at Furinkan.

{SD-Frank}: "Calculating and horny. I guess we didn't know that much about Ranma after all..."
[SD-Justy] : "Truly he is a man of letters."

>It didn't take long for me to re-learn one of life's central truths: Japanese girls are uptight as all hell. I was really spoiled in China, where girls I met had a much healthier attitude about sex (that attitude can be summarized like this: Fuck Ranma well).

{SD-Frank}: *packing bags for China*
[SD-Justy] : "I got the plane tickets. I think that I can deal with living in a collective for unending sex."

> My Chinese sex partners were also much more sophisticated in the art. I swear, girls in China are probably taught exotica like the Mongolian Cluster Fuck

[SD-Justy] : " That was one of George Carlin's dirty expressions not fit for TV."

> at the same time they learn how to cook rice. But most of the sweet young things I bedded after returning to Japan had barely learned the basics.

>So I tried working college girls, but that was a little too challenging. A lot of them felt weird about the age difference and the more open-minded coeds treated me like I was some kind of retard, a sexually advanced idiot savant. I didn't have enough money to see the pros downtown as frequently as I'd wanted. I began to despair, wondering if I'd have to swim back to China for the lusty fulfillment I required.

>Then, in my darkest hour, my life was changed by a beautiful vision, like Moses' burning bush. Except THIS bush was purple.

[SD-Justy] : "He's going to Hell for that one."
{SD-Frank}: "No, Shampoo's hair is BLUE! Even down there...I think..."
[SD-Justy] : " You have first hand knowledge?"
{SD-Frank}: "Not really, I just heard from someone in the WoS (Worshippers of Shampoo).."

To A Real Man, SDGP version, pt. 2
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