R1/2 -- Chris Collins (artc@mastnet.net)

	[Hey!  This is the voice from oblivion again with another disclaimer
message that the author was too lazy to write himself.  Hmph!  If you'd read
his last fanfic whatchamacallit, you'd have noticed that I had to waste my
precious time and throw in a disclaimer at the last minute to keep this guy
outa trouble--the lazy bum!  Just because he can write a story and he can
put up with his good-for-nothin staff, the jackass thinks he can do anything
and get away with it.  Well, he's wrong!  Well, since I'm here, I'll tell ya
that all the poeple in this story created by Takahashi or whoever--they're
hers and we're not layin any claim to em or nothin.  The new characters
appearin here aren't copyrighted and I don't give a damn what happens to em.
There.]

	Thank you voice from oblivion.

	[Ahw, go to hell.]


	Nii hao.  Here I am again, back with all the Iron Dagger Production staff.
(CUTE VOICE: Nii hao.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Hiya, Sugar.) (OLD VOICE: Miss me?)  I
hope you enjoyed our last production, that is, if you've seen it.  (CHEF'S
NOTE: That's HELLCATS, writen and directed by our very own Christopher Lee
Collins and whomever else decided to take the reins at the time.  Soon to be
available at a BlockBuster near you, as well as in handy paperback at your
nearest Walden Books, for those long and chilly nights when you're low on
firewood....)  Uh thank you, Ms. Kuonji.  (CHEF'S NOTE: Anytime.)

	I was just warming up when I wrote HELLCATS, just to get a clearer sense of
the drama binding the Ranma universe--also to see if I could write worth a
damn.  Viewing our last production would be useful, but not manditory, as it
is a leadup to this month's tale.  The leadup was rather small... (OLD
VOICE: Smaller than his....) ...Ukyou!  Spatula! (OLD VOICE: I'll be good.)
Anyway, I'll point out....  Oh, well.  Let's just start the show.

	(CUTE VOICE: *clapclap* Shampoo turn to pull curtain!  Hnnngh!):

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The screen fades from black and shows a beautiful aerial view of Furinkan
High.  A few doves fly by, singing cheerfully.

	A schoolbell rings through the air, signaling the end of classes for the day.

              -----------===================------------
              |       An Iron Dagger Production        |
              -----------===================------------

	"Stupid, macho chick!  I told you that's not what I meant!"

	"Just shut up!  I don't want to hear it!"

	Ranma had no idea how their simple argument over what she should wear to
the Martial Arts Exposition next week had escalated into a full-blown
screaming match over nothing--but if she wanted to fight over it, then he'd
give it his best.  Lately, it seemed like all his insults were having a far
greater impact on her than usual.

	Akane was stomping around the school, seemingly trying to get away--though
she didn't run.  Ranma was following alongside, waving his arms in frustration.

	"Akane!  Can't you just stop and listen to me for once?!"

	"Shut up, Ranma!"

	"Man!  You can really be SO uncute!"

	Akane stopped and turned around with her hands balled into fists.  "I'M NOT
UNCUTE!"

	Ranma yelled in her face, "ZERO SEX APPEAL!"

	"TAKE THAT BACK, RANMA!"

	"And do you know why your so uncute?!"

	"If you don't take that back, you're gonna be sorry!"

	Ranma cringed back mockingly.  "Oooooh.  I'm so scared.  What're ya gonna
do?  Hit me?"

	Akane clamped her eyes tight, gritted her teeth, and slowly shook her head.
Ranma's face lit up in confusion and he realized he was standing at the edge
of the campus swimming pool.  Akane gave a firm shove to Ranma's chest and
he fell in.

              -----------===================------------
              |        Writen and Directed by:         |
              |        Christopher Lee Collins         |
              -----------===================------------

	Ranma-chan poked her head out of the water and spit out a mouthful of
water.  "What'd ya do that for?!"

	"You had it coming!"

	"But why did ya have to do it in front of the whole school?!  Jeez!  Why
can't you act more like a girl?!"

	Akane's eyes grew and shimmered as if she were going to cry.  "WHO ARE YOU
TO JUDGE ME, RANMA!  YOU'RE NOT EVEN A MAN!"  Her chest heaved with
frustration and she looked slightly psychotic.

	Ranma's next words stuck in her throat, and she looked down at herself and
winced as Akane's last sentence resounded through her head.

	Feeling deep regret at making their fight even worse--as well as dreading
the thought of his fiancee in tears--Ranma started to open her mouth to
apologize; but then noticed that Akane was talking to Kunou.  _Where'd he
come from?_

	Kunou seemed to get more excited with every word Akane said.  "What?  The
pigtailed girl?  Agreed to date with me?  If I can but only catch her?  And
you will allow it?"

	Ranma shrieked.

	Kunou turned and threw his arms wide. "Pigtailed Girl!  My undying love
will chase you to the ends of the earth!"

	"Waaaaaa!"  Ranma jumped out of the pool and started running with the
heartstriken swordsman hot on her tail.  Akane gleemed coldly at the
spectacle, then walked away.

	(CHEF'S NOTE: Poor Ranchan!)

              -----------===================------------
              |    Based on Characters Created by:     |
              |            Rumiko Takahashi            |
              -----------===================------------

	For nearly an hour, Ranma ran as fast as she could through the streets of
Nerima in an effort to lose the obsessed kendo master, but even when she
weaved madly around houses and through alleys, Kunou seemed to take the most
direct route to her location.  _Man!  How does this creep keep finding me?
It's like he has radar or something!_

	Meanwhile, in a secret room underneath the Kunou mansion, Sasuke sat in
front of a keyboard and a huge wall monitor showing a gridworked blueprint
of Nerima; a line quickly rotated clockwise and two red blips could be seen
progressing rapidly across the screen.  Several ninja bustled in the
background carrying computer printouts and various other documents.  Sasuke
shouted into a microphone headset he was wearing, "Master Kunou, she's
doubling back toward the school!  Make a left at the next corner!  Wait!  It
seems like she's stopped moving!"

	Ranma sat on a high wall and pulled the headset from Kunou as he passed by,
but he didn't seem to notice and kept running, shouting, "What was that last
message, Sasuke?  Repeat!"

	Ranma started walking along the wall in the opposite direction, casually
tossing the headset aside.  She jumped down to the street when she reached
the end of her narrow walkway.

	Someone caught her before she could reach the ground.  Ranma gasped when
she stared into Kodachi's face, and noticed that she was wearing a similar
headset.  "So, Pig-tailed Hussy, I did not see my Ranma-sama leave school
today.  What have you done with him?!"

	"Waaaaaa!!!"  Ranma jumped from her arms as her opponent produced a long,
yellow ribbon.

	(CHEF'S NOTE: Hold on Ranchan!  I'll save you!)

              -----------===================------------
              |     Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo      |
              |                  in:                   |
              -----------===================------------

	The sun was setting by the time Ranma was able to confiscate Kodachi's
headset--too bad the gymnast was still stalking her somewhere, and with a
new vengence.

	Ranma quickly stumbled down the street toward home with a determination
that rivaled... that of any other chase she had ever been in.  Her heart was
racing and a few beads of sweat flew from her forehead.  She glanced back to
see if the Black Rose was still following.

	Suddenly, a familiar voice came rushing toward her.  "What a haul!  What a
haul!"  Ranma's eyes darted forward, but not before she collided with a big,
soft potato-skin bag, with a simultaneous punch to the mid-section by what
she guessed was the "Old Pervert".

	Ranma pulled a pair of panties from her face and doubled over to try to
sooth the queeziness in her stomach.  Looking around, she could see that the
street was littered with lady's undergarments.  Happousai was on his knees
with a bra clutched in each of his tiny hands, and he appeared to be crying.

	"All my beautiful panties.  It's a shame to see them all soiled on the
unclean ground like this.  They deserve better!"

	Ranma glared at him strangely.  "What're you babbling about, y'old freak!"

	Happousai's eyes brightened and he looked up.  His sadness resumed and he
threw his arms wide.  "Ranma, let me have a cry in your bosom!"

	Ranma prepared for an incoming projectile, then heard from down the street,
"Pig-tailed Girl!  I knew we were fated for each other!"  In the opposite
direction, she heard, "Hohohohohohohoho!"

	"Waaaaaaaaaaaa!"  Ranma picked a direction and ran.

	(CHEF'S NOTE: ALRIGHT YOU JACKASS AUTHOR!  STOP CHASING MY RANCHAN AROUND!
*sound of knives clanging together*)

              -----------===================------------
              |             NYANNIICHUAN:              |
              |           Very Tragic Story            |
              |                Part I                  |
              |   "When You Wish Upon a Marble...."    |
              -----------===================------------

	"Oh, my.  It's getting awefully late.  I hope Ranma is alright."  Kasumi
handed Akane her hot chocolate.

	Akane stared down at her drink.  "...."

	Nabiki was sitting on the couch opposite Akane.  "Just what did you do to
him this time?"

	Just then, they heard a knock at the door.  "I'll get it."  Kasumi walked
to the door and opened it.  "Oh, my."

	Ranma-chan wordlessly trudged in.  Her clothes were torn in several places
and there was a yellow ribbon hanging loosely around her neck and under her
arms.  Her lids were half open and no one was certain what she could have
been thinking at the time.

	Kasumi put her hand to her mouth.  "Are you alright, Ranma?"  No response.

	As Ranma passed the couch, Akane sheepishly offered, "Would you like some
hot chocolate?"  Ranma accepted the cup and poured the contents on herself,
restoring herself to manhood, then handed the cup back and kept walking.

	Akane growled in a dull tone, "Fine.  Be that way.  But you deserved it,
you know."

	Ranma paused, and everyone thought he was going to say something, but then
he proceeded for the stairs at the same pace.

	Kasumi smiled.  "Don't worry, Akane.  I'm sure he'll feel better about
whatever you did in the morning."