R 1/2 -- Chris Collins 

	[Well, this is the voice from oblivion with yet another damn disclaimer
that that idiot keeps forgeting to post.  Ya ask me, he's doing it on
purpose.  I should get paid for doin this crap.  But, oh no!  Instead, I
just float around and do nothin because I ain't got a damn dime to spend.
Although, I guess the fact that I'm a disembodied voice who doesn't need to
eat, drink, or sleep does make the prospect worthless.  But I want
recognition, damnit!]
	Hey, Mr. Oblivion!  You're babbling!
	[Oh, yeah.  Sorry.]
	Don't mention it.
	[Well, anyway, all these characters appearin in this story belong to
someone else--and I don't know who.  What da ya want--a damn list!  Ya
should be able to recognize em if ya watch enough anime, so you figure it
out.  I'm not aware of any new characters in this one, but then again, who
cares.]

	Nii hao.  I hope you enjoy my productions.  If not, too bad, beause you're
reading one right now.  Ha ha.
	I'm currently working on another fanfic, but I just couldn't let this one
start decaying in my mind, so I wanted to get to work on it as soon as
possible.  You see, I had recently seen Last Man Standing with Bruce
Willis--well, actually I saw about twenty minutes of it before I cracked up
laughing and left to find something better to do--and I thought I'd write a
story and make fun of it.  (CHEF'S NOTE: Gee, what an effort.)
	I don't know yet if I'll be able to fill all the roles with Ranma
characters, so I might pull some characters from different series--tho I
might just do it for fun.
	Happy.  I believe it's your turn to start the show.
	(OLD VOICE: Alright, Sonny.  Stand back!  Hrrrrnnnnggggaa!)
	(CUTE VOICE: Uh.  He supposed to hang there like that?)
	(OLD VOICE: Get me down!)
	What say we leave him?
	(CHEF'S NOTE: I second that motion.)
	(CUTE VOICE: Ok.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

	A blue van comes into view through a steady haze of dust.  As it draws
nearer to the foreground and becomes more prominent, it's front headlights
start blinking as if in warning.
	A voice rings out, "Hey, you idiot!  Get out of the way!"
	The camera shot now shows the front of (boy-type) Ranma's face as he yells
something.  A second later, a crash is heard and the camera shot spins
hopelessly out of control, panning across miles of sky and desert.  The
microphone picks up two distinct thumps underneath the vehicle.

              -----------===================------------
              |       An Iron Dagger Production        |
              -----------===================------------

	Another cameraman fixes a closeup view of the side of the van as Ranma
looks back in worry.
	"Gee, I hope that guy wasn't too important to this story.  Maybe I should
stop and see if he's Ok."
	(NOTE: Just get on with the story.  I'll have Ukyou scrape him up later.)
	Ranma faces forward and shrugs.  "Well, if you say so."
	The camera zooms out slowly as the narration begins:
	*In the face of human events, some men must ultimately make the untimely
decision of relocating from their homeland for various reason, ranging from
the noble quest to the dishonorabe banishment.  And then there are cretins
like Ranma Saotome, who must flee for their lives because they're too
cowardly to face their opponents!*
	Ranma turns toward the cameraman in confusion.  "Uh, what's he talking about?"
	(NOTE: Well, it's not writen exactly that way in the script, but I guess
it'll do.)
	The camera keeps zooming out until the van is just a spot throwing dust up
along the road.
	(NOTE: Shampoo!  What are you doing?  We can't see the main character now!)
	(CUTE VOICE:  Sorry.  Camera stuck.)

              -----------===================------------
              |        Writen and Directed by:         |
              |        Christopher Lee Collins          |
              -----------===================------------

	The scene switches to an aerial view.  The van can be seen clearly now as
it follows a dirt road in the middle of what looks like a desert.  Nothing
can be heard except the helicopter blades slicing through the air.
	(NOTE: Ukyou!)
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Switching to silent mode now, Sir.)
	The rapid chopping ceases and the narrator picks up:
	*Why must I play the voice of reason for Saotome's feeble mind?!*
	(NOTE: Because I've got some revealing pictures of the Pig-tailed Girl if
you do.)
	*Right.*
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Hey!  You can't....)
	(NOTE: And I've got some revealing pictures of Ranma in the locker room if
you don't say anything.)
	(CHEF'S Note: *dreamy sigh*)
	*I have been drifting from city to city, town to town, keeping a low
profile... so no one will know what a dispicable villain I am!  I have had
to do vile and undescribable evils along the way to insure my own pathetic
safety, working my foul magic on unsuspecting females wherever I saw fit!*
	(CUTE VOICE: You really think this good idea?)
	(NOTE: ....)

              -----------===================------------
              |    Based on Characters Created by:     |
              |           Rumiko Takahashi             |
              |                 and                    |
              |            Some Other Guys             |
              -----------===================------------

	Ukyou's helicopter circles Ranma's van, giving her nice camera footage of
the utter wasteland he's driving through.
	*Of late, I have only frequented small and insignificant peasant towns,
trying to slip away from my shady past like the sands of time, but any fool
should know that time is ever-present and limitless.*
	"Huh?"  (NOTE: Got me.)
	*I was hoping to change my ways and give up the practice of the black
arts--resigning myself to peace and tranquility for the coming seasons.  My
recent journeys had proved quieter than normal, and I was finally beginning
to understand how my soul had been corrupted--(CHEF'S NOTE: Genma.)until I
had the mischance of entering the next town.... of entering the next
town.... of entering the next....  Kuonji-san!*
	Ukyou looks up from her camcorder and tries to find the source of the
voice, then remembers--it's only Kunou.  "Yes?"
	*Could you be kind enough to stablize your aircraft and point thy camera at
yon signpost so I know where we are going.*
	"Oh.  Yeah, sure."  She calls over her shoulder, "That'll be enough
circling, Konatsu.  Take her into hover."  The helicopter holds it's
position and Ukyou focuses on the sign just coming into view.
	*...until I had the mischance of entering 'NOWHERE'.*
	(CUTE VOICE: Nowhere?)
	Sure enough, when Ukyou zooms in on the sign, it says: NOWHERE--population:
52.  Ranma rolls his eyes.

              -----------===================------------
              |   Ranma Saotome and a Bunch of Others  |
              |                  in:                   |
              -----------===================------------

	Ranma leans back in his seat with his hands loosely gripping the steering
wheel.  "Man, this is pretty cool.  And I don't even know how to drive.  So
what do I do now?"
	(NOTE: Just sit back and enjoy the scenery while I set things up for the
next scene.)
	Ranma stares around wide-eyed at the desolate landscape.  "What'r ya talkin
about?  There's nothing around here for miles!  Where's the town?!"
	(NOTE: It should be right up ahead.)
	Ranma shades his eyes and spots another sign.  It comes into focus.
'NOWHERE--two miles ahead'.  He groans.
	Sidenotes start whispering: (NOTE: What's the meaning of this?  Where's the
town?) (CUTE VOICE: Priss and Nene say almost done with set.  Just need few
more minutes.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Well, they would have been done already if Nene
hadn't'v put Mihoshi in charge of bricklaying.) (NOTE: Bricklaying?!)
	Ranma sighs.  *What a boorish lot.  I shall have to beat the fools for
their folly.*  Ranma's eyes widen.  "What?"  *You forget Saotome.  I am
designated as your voice of reason through the whole production, so you
cannot listen to your internal voice without my intervention.*  Ranma sinks
further in his seat.  "Oh man."

              -----------===================------------
              |           HALF-MAN STANDING            |
              -----------===================------------

	Ranma slowly drives the van into town as he darts his eyes through the
dusty boulevard of old-fashioned wooden buildings--the kind you'd see in
various John Wayne movies about the Old West.  (CUTE VOICE: No see bricks.)
	Ranma sits back and thinks to himself, *Another bothersom peasant town.*
He rolls his eyes and turns to the camera.  "This doesn't look like any
place in Japan."
	(NOTE: That's because you're in the United States.)
	Ranma looks surprised.  "Huh?  You mean I passed a major body of water
somewhere and didn't even know 'bout it?  I thought only Ryouga did that."
	(NOTE: I brought you here.  Just work with me on this one.)
	"Ok.  If you say so."  He returns to his random observation of the town.
	Ranma brings the van to a halt when he notices Mihoshi, wearing a
crossing-guard uniform, standing in the middle of the street; she is holding
up a stopsign and blowing a whistle.  Ranma looks to either side of the
street, but all he could see was old buildings.  *What is the meaning of
this?!  Shall I have to teach you a leason, Mihoshi-san?!*  "Uh.  Yeah.
Right, Kunou."
	Mihoshi walks over to the building directly to the right....  She starts
walking to the left.  (NOTE: Ranma's right.)  She makes a u-turn and walks
to the building, then stands by the door.
	Ranma watches as a procession of men in business suits exit the door
Mihoshi is standing by and cross the street toward the opposite building.
In the center of the procession is a girl with short, dark hair and a
blue-and-yellow flowered kimono.  Ranma's eyes widen once more.  "Akane?
Whatz she doin here?"  *I hope Tatewaki Kunou arrives in time to save her.*
	Akane glances in Ranma's direction with a similar confused expression
washed across her face.  She turns away from him, but he continues to follow
her progress until she enters the next building and disappears from sight.
	Ranma faces forward to see Ryouga standing defiantly in front of the van;
he's wearing the same dark blue business suit that all the other guys were
wearing (CUTE VOICE: What they do?  Play pass-around?), but he also has his
distinguishing bandana wrapped around his forehead.  He smirks, "So you dare
to lay eyes on the boss's fiancee.  An outsider, are you?  Well, you should
know that you're not supposed to be looking at the boss's fiancee for any
reason."
	"What are you talking about, Ryouga?  Her pop already picked me to be her
fiancee."
	Ryouga's brow furrows.  "Silence!  If you can have more than one fiancee,
then she's entitled to do the same!  Now you better get out of town before
something bad happens to you!"
	Ranma folds his arms.  "I can't go anywhere else.  This Nowhere set is the
only one that's up, so there are no other towns I can go to.  B'sides, the
director'll get mad if I leave in the middle of his story."
	Ryouga growls, "That's not my problem, Ranma!  I'm a bad guy in this story,
so I'm supposed to make stupid threats!  Now get outa town before I really
get mad!"
	Ranma, still calm, half-smiles.  "Whatever you say, P-Chan."
	Ryouga pulls back his fist and roars, "Who are you calling P-chan?!
Bakusai tenketsu!"  He drives his index finger into the hood of the van, and
Ranma ducks down as shards of metal pierce the windshield.  Smoke is pouring
from the non-existant hood as Ryouga pulls back and bakusai tenketsus the
engine.
	Meanwhile, Gozunkugi, with candles strapped to his head, is slyly circling
the van with a hammer and railroad spike, eagerly slashing the van's tires.
Sasami is standing at the rear of the van holding Ryo-ohki; the hungry
cabbit finishes eating the fender and starts carving a hole in the emergency
exit.  Azusa joyously skips around with several magic markers in hand,
happily doodling all over the shiny surface.
	Ranma peeks over the dashboard when the explosions stop.  Nothing is left
beyond the forward cab except a thin stream of smoke.  The van slumps
forward.  The destroyers of his vehicle casually walk into the next building.
	Ranma gets out of his totalled van and surveys the damage.  *Nice doodling
if I do say so myself.*  He winces and yells in Ryouga's direction.
"Ryouga, you idiot!  How the heck am I going to get out of town now?!"
	He looks at the van again.  "Yo, Chris.  Where'd you get this van anyway?"
	(NOTE: It's the Masaki van.  Tenchi said I could borrow it if I was
careful.  He's not going to like this.)
	"Tenchi, eh."  Ranma waves his hand in dismissal.  "Peh.  Tenchi can't do
nothin to me, so I've got nothin to worry about."
	(NOTE: Don't forget about Ryoko, Aeka, and Washu.  They always follow him
around.)
	A chill runs down Ranma's spine.  He looks around to make sure neither of
the above were watching, then quickly sidesteps away from the van.  "That
Aeka gives me the creeps."
	(NOTE: Same voice actor who does Kodachi.)
	"Really?"
	When Ranma is a safe distance away, the van explodes.  Ranma flinches.
"Oh, man."