R 1/2 -- Chris CollinsTo Half-Man Standing, Chapter 1, part 2[Well, this is the voice from oblivion with yet another damn disclaimer that that idiot keeps forgeting to post. Ya ask me, he's doing it on purpose. I should get paid for doin this crap. But, oh no! Instead, I just float around and do nothin because I ain't got a damn dime to spend. Although, I guess the fact that I'm a disembodied voice who doesn't need to eat, drink, or sleep does make the prospect worthless. But I want recognition, damnit!] Hey, Mr. Oblivion! You're babbling! [Oh, yeah. Sorry.] Don't mention it. [Well, anyway, all these characters appearin in this story belong to someone else--and I don't know who. What da ya want--a damn list! Ya should be able to recognize em if ya watch enough anime, so you figure it out. I'm not aware of any new characters in this one, but then again, who cares.] Nii hao. I hope you enjoy my productions. If not, too bad, beause you're reading one right now. Ha ha. I'm currently working on another fanfic, but I just couldn't let this one start decaying in my mind, so I wanted to get to work on it as soon as possible. You see, I had recently seen Last Man Standing with Bruce Willis--well, actually I saw about twenty minutes of it before I cracked up laughing and left to find something better to do--and I thought I'd write a story and make fun of it. (CHEF'S NOTE: Gee, what an effort.) I don't know yet if I'll be able to fill all the roles with Ranma characters, so I might pull some characters from different series--tho I might just do it for fun. Happy. I believe it's your turn to start the show. (OLD VOICE: Alright, Sonny. Stand back! Hrrrrnnnnggggaa!) (CUTE VOICE: Uh. He supposed to hang there like that?) (OLD VOICE: Get me down!) What say we leave him? (CHEF'S NOTE: I second that motion.) (CUTE VOICE: Ok.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blue van comes into view through a steady haze of dust. As it draws nearer to the foreground and becomes more prominent, it's front headlights start blinking as if in warning. A voice rings out, "Hey, you idiot! Get out of the way!" The camera shot now shows the front of (boy-type) Ranma's face as he yells something. A second later, a crash is heard and the camera shot spins hopelessly out of control, panning across miles of sky and desert. The microphone picks up two distinct thumps underneath the vehicle. -----------===================------------ | An Iron Dagger Production | -----------===================------------ Another cameraman fixes a closeup view of the side of the van as Ranma looks back in worry. "Gee, I hope that guy wasn't too important to this story. Maybe I should stop and see if he's Ok." (NOTE: Just get on with the story. I'll have Ukyou scrape him up later.) Ranma faces forward and shrugs. "Well, if you say so." The camera zooms out slowly as the narration begins: *In the face of human events, some men must ultimately make the untimely decision of relocating from their homeland for various reason, ranging from the noble quest to the dishonorabe banishment. And then there are cretins like Ranma Saotome, who must flee for their lives because they're too cowardly to face their opponents!* Ranma turns toward the cameraman in confusion. "Uh, what's he talking about?" (NOTE: Well, it's not writen exactly that way in the script, but I guess it'll do.) The camera keeps zooming out until the van is just a spot throwing dust up along the road. (NOTE: Shampoo! What are you doing? We can't see the main character now!) (CUTE VOICE: Sorry. Camera stuck.) -----------===================------------ | Writen and Directed by: | | Christopher Lee Collins | -----------===================------------ The scene switches to an aerial view. The van can be seen clearly now as it follows a dirt road in the middle of what looks like a desert. Nothing can be heard except the helicopter blades slicing through the air. (NOTE: Ukyou!) (CHEF'S NOTE: Switching to silent mode now, Sir.) The rapid chopping ceases and the narrator picks up: *Why must I play the voice of reason for Saotome's feeble mind?!* (NOTE: Because I've got some revealing pictures of the Pig-tailed Girl if you do.) *Right.* (CHEF'S NOTE: Hey! You can't....) (NOTE: And I've got some revealing pictures of Ranma in the locker room if you don't say anything.) (CHEF'S Note: *dreamy sigh*) *I have been drifting from city to city, town to town, keeping a low profile... so no one will know what a dispicable villain I am! I have had to do vile and undescribable evils along the way to insure my own pathetic safety, working my foul magic on unsuspecting females wherever I saw fit!* (CUTE VOICE: You really think this good idea?) (NOTE: ....) -----------===================------------ | Based on Characters Created by: | | Rumiko Takahashi | | and | | Some Other Guys | -----------===================------------ Ukyou's helicopter circles Ranma's van, giving her nice camera footage of the utter wasteland he's driving through. *Of late, I have only frequented small and insignificant peasant towns, trying to slip away from my shady past like the sands of time, but any fool should know that time is ever-present and limitless.* "Huh?" (NOTE: Got me.) *I was hoping to change my ways and give up the practice of the black arts--resigning myself to peace and tranquility for the coming seasons. My recent journeys had proved quieter than normal, and I was finally beginning to understand how my soul had been corrupted--(CHEF'S NOTE: Genma.)until I had the mischance of entering the next town.... of entering the next town.... of entering the next.... Kuonji-san!* Ukyou looks up from her camcorder and tries to find the source of the voice, then remembers--it's only Kunou. "Yes?" *Could you be kind enough to stablize your aircraft and point thy camera at yon signpost so I know where we are going.* "Oh. Yeah, sure." She calls over her shoulder, "That'll be enough circling, Konatsu. Take her into hover." The helicopter holds it's position and Ukyou focuses on the sign just coming into view. *...until I had the mischance of entering 'NOWHERE'.* (CUTE VOICE: Nowhere?) Sure enough, when Ukyou zooms in on the sign, it says: NOWHERE--population: 52. Ranma rolls his eyes. -----------===================------------ | Ranma Saotome and a Bunch of Others | | in: | -----------===================------------ Ranma leans back in his seat with his hands loosely gripping the steering wheel. "Man, this is pretty cool. And I don't even know how to drive. So what do I do now?" (NOTE: Just sit back and enjoy the scenery while I set things up for the next scene.) Ranma stares around wide-eyed at the desolate landscape. "What'r ya talkin about? There's nothing around here for miles! Where's the town?!" (NOTE: It should be right up ahead.) Ranma shades his eyes and spots another sign. It comes into focus. 'NOWHERE--two miles ahead'. He groans. Sidenotes start whispering: (NOTE: What's the meaning of this? Where's the town?) (CUTE VOICE: Priss and Nene say almost done with set. Just need few more minutes.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Well, they would have been done already if Nene hadn't'v put Mihoshi in charge of bricklaying.) (NOTE: Bricklaying?!) Ranma sighs. *What a boorish lot. I shall have to beat the fools for their folly.* Ranma's eyes widen. "What?" *You forget Saotome. I am designated as your voice of reason through the whole production, so you cannot listen to your internal voice without my intervention.* Ranma sinks further in his seat. "Oh man." -----------===================------------ | HALF-MAN STANDING | -----------===================------------ Ranma slowly drives the van into town as he darts his eyes through the dusty boulevard of old-fashioned wooden buildings--the kind you'd see in various John Wayne movies about the Old West. (CUTE VOICE: No see bricks.) Ranma sits back and thinks to himself, *Another bothersom peasant town.* He rolls his eyes and turns to the camera. "This doesn't look like any place in Japan." (NOTE: That's because you're in the United States.) Ranma looks surprised. "Huh? You mean I passed a major body of water somewhere and didn't even know 'bout it? I thought only Ryouga did that." (NOTE: I brought you here. Just work with me on this one.) "Ok. If you say so." He returns to his random observation of the town. Ranma brings the van to a halt when he notices Mihoshi, wearing a crossing-guard uniform, standing in the middle of the street; she is holding up a stopsign and blowing a whistle. Ranma looks to either side of the street, but all he could see was old buildings. *What is the meaning of this?! Shall I have to teach you a leason, Mihoshi-san?!* "Uh. Yeah. Right, Kunou." Mihoshi walks over to the building directly to the right.... She starts walking to the left. (NOTE: Ranma's right.) She makes a u-turn and walks to the building, then stands by the door. Ranma watches as a procession of men in business suits exit the door Mihoshi is standing by and cross the street toward the opposite building. In the center of the procession is a girl with short, dark hair and a blue-and-yellow flowered kimono. Ranma's eyes widen once more. "Akane? Whatz she doin here?" *I hope Tatewaki Kunou arrives in time to save her.* Akane glances in Ranma's direction with a similar confused expression washed across her face. She turns away from him, but he continues to follow her progress until she enters the next building and disappears from sight. Ranma faces forward to see Ryouga standing defiantly in front of the van; he's wearing the same dark blue business suit that all the other guys were wearing (CUTE VOICE: What they do? Play pass-around?), but he also has his distinguishing bandana wrapped around his forehead. He smirks, "So you dare to lay eyes on the boss's fiancee. An outsider, are you? Well, you should know that you're not supposed to be looking at the boss's fiancee for any reason." "What are you talking about, Ryouga? Her pop already picked me to be her fiancee." Ryouga's brow furrows. "Silence! If you can have more than one fiancee, then she's entitled to do the same! Now you better get out of town before something bad happens to you!" Ranma folds his arms. "I can't go anywhere else. This Nowhere set is the only one that's up, so there are no other towns I can go to. B'sides, the director'll get mad if I leave in the middle of his story." Ryouga growls, "That's not my problem, Ranma! I'm a bad guy in this story, so I'm supposed to make stupid threats! Now get outa town before I really get mad!" Ranma, still calm, half-smiles. "Whatever you say, P-Chan." Ryouga pulls back his fist and roars, "Who are you calling P-chan?! Bakusai tenketsu!" He drives his index finger into the hood of the van, and Ranma ducks down as shards of metal pierce the windshield. Smoke is pouring from the non-existant hood as Ryouga pulls back and bakusai tenketsus the engine. Meanwhile, Gozunkugi, with candles strapped to his head, is slyly circling the van with a hammer and railroad spike, eagerly slashing the van's tires. Sasami is standing at the rear of the van holding Ryo-ohki; the hungry cabbit finishes eating the fender and starts carving a hole in the emergency exit. Azusa joyously skips around with several magic markers in hand, happily doodling all over the shiny surface. Ranma peeks over the dashboard when the explosions stop. Nothing is left beyond the forward cab except a thin stream of smoke. The van slumps forward. The destroyers of his vehicle casually walk into the next building. Ranma gets out of his totalled van and surveys the damage. *Nice doodling if I do say so myself.* He winces and yells in Ryouga's direction. "Ryouga, you idiot! How the heck am I going to get out of town now?!" He looks at the van again. "Yo, Chris. Where'd you get this van anyway?" (NOTE: It's the Masaki van. Tenchi said I could borrow it if I was careful. He's not going to like this.) "Tenchi, eh." Ranma waves his hand in dismissal. "Peh. Tenchi can't do nothin to me, so I've got nothin to worry about." (NOTE: Don't forget about Ryoko, Aeka, and Washu. They always follow him around.) A chill runs down Ranma's spine. He looks around to make sure neither of the above were watching, then quickly sidesteps away from the van. "That Aeka gives me the creeps." (NOTE: Same voice actor who does Kodachi.) "Really?" When Ranma is a safe distance away, the van explodes. Ranma flinches. "Oh, man."