One Fine Day In Hell

   I woke up early that Friday morning to find someone had thrown a fairly good
sized watermelon at my bedroom window. I hauled myself out of bed and stumbled
into the kitchen where my mom was feverishly dumping instant decaf into a smurf
plastic mug. I looked at our 50's style clock, it was about 11:30 and I was a
little more than peeved.I quickly ate a mustard and whipped cream sandwich and
went back to my room. Someone had switched the records again; I went to listen
to my brand new DRI album only to be greeted by Captain and Teniel. Not being 
in the secure mental state to handle this crisis at such an early hour, I 
hauled my stereo over my head and deftly chucked it through the now broken
watermelon drenched window. I only tossed one speaker out before I noticed the
strawberry yogurt covered raisins all over the carpet. I contemplated putting 
them in the vegematic, but I had to leave this Hell hole. I put on some jeans 
and a Hands Across America t-shirt and left. On my way out I was feverishly 
tugging at the three pronged fork my little sister had so lovingly plunged into
my thigh. I should have guessed! My Dart Swinger was gone, only to be replaced 
by an acid green garbage truck, I tossed three hippies and a jar of wheat germ 
out of the front seat and into the neighbor's yard. Luckily I had grabbed the 
regenerating pack of cigarettes, but they chose to taste like corn diggers 
marinated in Windex. To top it all off the only thing on the radio was Billy 
Graham. I noticed as I did a good 25 down 70, my green garbage truck had 
changed into a '78 banana yellow Camero, with mag wheels and plenty of primer, 
which was quite a step up until the wheels fell off! Luckily I had brought the 
proper repair equipment, and I went to work with my glue stick and scotch tape.
About half an hour later I finally got to the K-Mart. People were protesting 
outside about AIDS and bedbugs, and subsequently I was winged with a Proctor 
Silex Toast-R-Oven. I rubbed my head as I wandered through the home appliance 
isle. I glanced around and quickly removed a beater and meandered back to the 
front desk. "Umm, excuse me," I said, "I've gotta return this beater!" The 
sales lady, who was wearing a cute little 100% polyester lime leisure suit, 
leaned over and demanded of me why I wasn't satisfied with this oh so wonderful
beater. I explained how the beater had attacked me and my anemic cat, Cat Nip 
Kit Cat. The woman had no sympathy for me or my feline, and grabbed me and 
threw me out past the gay protesters, right into a row of Food King shopping 
carts. She tried to hit me with the beater but luckily I hid behind a couple of
bags of peat moss. I got back into my Camero and Ethan McQueery was asleep in 
the back seat. He had the nerve to leave a pack of crayons in the back window 
which had now melted into eight heaps. I decided to ignore the dirtball and get
on my way downtown. Unfortunately McQueery, who sleeps with one eye open, 
caught me and gave me a guilt trip, so I agreed to treat him to lunch at Billy 
Bob's Hog Heaven and Live Bait. Being smart I got a table in the back. I 
decided not to order not only because of his nauseating stench, but also 
because I knew I'd end up with an inch thick pile of his hair in my food. 
Ethan ordered his favorite, spaghetti. Right after he started eating he was 
enveloped in a coughing spasm, causing all the noodles to come pouring out of 
his nostrils. I turned and fled. Ethan tried to chase me but his short stubby 
legs just couldn't keep up. I jumped in my Camero and speedily took flight, 
glancing in the rear view mirror I could still see Ethan standing in a cloud of
dust with spaghetti noodles at his feet. Relieved to have escaped that 
predicament I decided to locate a facility where I could eat in peace. I 
finally made my way to the city and the only place open was a shady little 
South of the Border joint, it would have to do. I found myself a nice little 
table and prepared to order. My waitress, who was wearing a cute little nylon 
number with thigh high white go-go boots, was quite chipper. All was going well
when out of the darkness appeared Ed Ed Butthead Ed. I tried to slink down 
under the table but he meandered on over anyway. His incoherent babbling was 
just too much to handle. I stabbed him in his fat nose with a spork and fled 
once again. This time after reaching the car I noticed that it had returned to 
it's original form, the oh so wonderful Dodge Dart Swinger. After pulling a 
few soiled socks out of the tailpipe I was ready to go. Just as I pulled out of
the parking space I noticed my honeybear, Steve in the Camero, he was just 
pulling out of a parking spot too. I tried to speed up to warn him about the 
wheels but I was too late, so I kept on going. I figured the only safe refuge 
was to go to Jules's place. I arrived quite early in the morning. I opened the 
door and proceeded towards the kitchen, stepping over many sleeping bodies on 
the way. Once I got to the kitchen I was horrified, everyone was eating 
milkbones and sucking on honeycombs. They surrounded me and tried to force me 
to clean the toilets with an AIDS infected toothbrush. They had me backed up 
against the wall, which soon gave way. I was falling for what seemed to be an 
eternity, when I landed I was in my bed at home. I hauled myself out of bed and
went outside. To my surprise my little sister and one of her friends were 
feverishly dumping raw sewage into a trench around the neighbor's house, so I 
gave up and went back to bed, figuring I would try again tomorrow.


                                              Written by:Stimpson J. Cat