(Hmmm.... So Fireworks ARE dangerous?)

I discovered a long time ago that my parent's home on St. Joseph's Sound in Florida was a GREAT place to hold the annual "Crazy Man Steve Jackson" fireworks beer bash and bonfire extravaganza. We didn't call it that for the first couple of years, as Steve had not yet performed the HUMAN FIREBALL trick that was to become the basis for the name in the future. (More on that later.) The house was situated right on the water, and by placing the launch pad and various other goodies down on the seawall, we were able to cut the flammable ground area by FIFTY PERCENT! This meant only half as much property damage and facilitated the cleanup of said area as LOTS of the projectiles etc. came down in the water and merely floated "away". (Hmm... wonder if the stuff was biodegradeable?)
Every year we would send HUNDREDS of dollars up into the sky (at least that was the idea) and drink way too much while holding fire and explosives in and about our persons. Everyone seemed to have a favorite...Some liked the Helicopters... many liked the M80's and other obnoxious noisy explosives... and SOME liked to tape the M80's TO the Helicopters for a danger filled "Bomb dropping" kind of effect. Steve always liked the ROMAN CANDLES...and I always liked the 12" CLOUD PENETRATING MISSILES with the sharp plastic point that, while never actually achieving a height of more than 10 feet before running horizontally into whatever happened to be around, did PENETRATE just about everything else in the vicinity with the EXCEPTION of a cloud. Ouch!... what fond memories. I still get misty just thinking about the packs of BLACK CAT firecrackers and JUMPING JACKS exploding and whizzing about the feet of myself and the other merry pranksters as we scrambled to escape the inferno and the deafening noise.
Now.. on the year of Steve's HUMAN FIREBALL stunt, we were scheduled to go down to the Keys for a week of eating, drinking, scuba diving, and general fun, so the revelry had reached a particularly uhm... merry level. (about half the hood was ablaze) At about this time Steve ignited a 12 ball ROMAN CANDLE and held it aloft in a sort of goofy tribute to our Lady of Liberty. I ALMOST said.. "Hey Steve.. I don't think that's such a great idea cause I've seen TONS of those thing misfire at the end".. but I though Nah...I mean... he really DID looked quite amazing standing alone in the dark, sparks raining down around his stationary form......... until......... the last 2 balls of the ROMAN CANDLE shot out the ass end and hit Steve dead center of his 70's style, satiny, it's all John Travolta's fault, disco dude shirt. These two balls seemed to have a life a of their own once they burned through the outer layer of shirt and began bouncing around inside, trapped between skin and Silk. They also did an amazing job of animating the aforementioned stationary Mr. Jackson. He was extraordinarily difficult to throw off the seawall too, what with all the whooping and hopping about, arm waving, and chest beating etc. The sight of his still smoking carcass being hauled away to the E.R. put a terrible damper on the party for well over 45 minutes, and the trip to the Keys was much different without Steve because there was A LOT more beer for the rest of us.

The Moral....

What the hell is it with me and this MORAL thing anyway... aren't you a little sick of it too? Ah well.... Hmm...... ok....
The house on the water has been sold and the parental Homestead is now in Tallahassee although my Dad died and my Mom works as a nurse for the Navaho Indian Nation in Arizona and my Brother moved to Oregon to be a professional wind surfer and only my Sister and her family still live there. I try to carry on the tradition of the "Crazy Man Steve Jackson" .. HUMAN FIREBALL etc. party with the Lunatics that live in my current neighborhood not on the water, but what with me pretending to be an adult and all and with small children around ..... it's a pretty tame event I'm afraid. Oh!... and you may not believe this, but Steve Jackson only came to one more party after that, and refused ALL requests for an encore performance. Even today... his interest in setting himself ablaze seems fairly minuscule. Go figure.

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