›           * * * * * * * * * * *›           *                   *›           *   LAUGH CORNER    *›           *                   *›           * * * * * * * * * * *›› Welcome to the premier edition of the› OHAUG  Newsletter Laugh Corner.  Many› club newsletters,  pieces  of  e-mail› (solicited  and  otherwise) and jokes› from other sources  are  flooding  my› consciousness  these  days.  I need a› form of catharsis, and  I've  decided› that  this  column  is  it.  And you,› dear   readers    are    the    lucky› beneficiaries  (victims???)   of   my› choices.   The  column will appear at› irregular   intervals   (translation:› whenever  we  have  to  fill  up some› space) and you are free  to  send  me› potential  material  for   it.    But› remember  that I, and I alone, am the› final arbiter and judge of what  will› appear.   Whatever  you  think  of my› sense of humor, you're stuck with it.› Here goes:››           * * * * * * * * * * *›› From the May/June 1998 LVAUG NEWS:››       COMPUTER INDUSTRY ACRONYMS›› PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize›           Computer Industry Acronyms›› PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers›            Through Incorrect                       Understanding of›            Mathematics›› COBOL -- Complete Obsolete Business›          Oriented Language›› CD-ROM -- Consumer Device-Rendered›           Obsolete in Months›› OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too›› MIPS -- Meaningless Indication of›         Processor Speed›› WINDOWS -- Will Install  Needless›            Data on Whole System›› MICROSOFT -- Most Intelligent›              Customers Realize Our›              Software Only Fools›              Teenagers›› LISP -- Lots of Infuriating and›         Silly Parentheses.›› RISC -- Reduced Into Silly Code›› SCSI -- System Can't See It›› DOS -- Defective Operating System›› BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize›          Industry Control›› IBM -- I Blame Microsoft›› DEC -- Do Expect Cuts››           * * * * * * * * * * *›› From the July/August 1998 LVAUG NEWS:››             DISKETTE CARE›› Never leave  diskettes  in  the  disk› drive,  as  data  can leak out of the› disk and corrode the inner  mechanics› of  the  drive.   Diskettes should be› rolled   up   and  stored  in  pencil› holders.›› Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed› once  a  week.    Microscopic   metal› particles  can be removed by waving a› powerful magnet over the  surface  of› the  disk.   Any  stubborn   metallic› shavings  can be remoed with scouring› powder   and   soap.    When   waxing› diskettes,  make  sure application is› even.  This will allow the  diskettes› to spin faster.›› Do  not fold diskettes unless they do› not   fit   in   the   drive.   "Big"› diskettes may be folded and  used  in› "little" disk drives.›› Diskettes  cannot  be  backed  up  by› running  them   through   the   Xerox› machine.   If  your  data needs to be› backed   up,   simply   insert    two› diskettes  together  into  the  drive› whenever  you  update a document; the› data   will   be   recorded  on  both› diskettes.›› Diskettes should not be  inserted  or› removed  from the drive while the red› light is flashing.   Doing  so  could› result   in   smeared   or   possibly› unreadable  text.   Occasionally  the› red light continues to flash in  what› is  known  as  a  "hung"  or "hooked"› state.  If your system  is  "hooking"› you,  you will need to insert several› dollars   before   being  allowed  to› access the disk drive.›› If your diskette is full and you need› more  storage  space, remove the disk› from the drive and  shake  vigorously› for  two minutes.  This will pack the› data ("data compression")  enough  to› allow  for  more storage.  Be sure to› cover all the  openings  with  scotch› tape to prevent loss of data.››           * * * * * * * * * * *›› From President Jack Gedalius (who› found them someplace):›› Feeling  low?   Need  advice?  Didn't› get your way?  Short of Money?   Call› 1-800-GRANDMA.›› Of course women don't work as hard as› men.  They  do  it  right  the  first› time!›› Notice!  Teenagers:  If you are tired› of   being  hassled  by  unreasonable› parents, now is the time for action! › Leave home and pay your own way while› you still know EVERYTHING.›› Notice!  The kitchen  will  be  cloed› today  because  of illness.  I'm sick› of cooking.›› (Well, he IS the president -- Ed.)››           * * * * * * * * * * *›› Finally, via unsolicited e-mail  (and› probably  forwarded  to  the   entire› population  of  the  world  ten times› over):››                GATES!›› God looks down on Earth  and  decides› He's  had  enough.   With  a crack of› thunder, He  summons  to  heaven  the› three most powerful people on Earth: › Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and  Bill› Gates.›› "Gentlemen," God says, "I have called› you   here   because   I   am   truly› disappointed in humans and decided to› end the world.  You have one week  to› prepare  your  people."  With a crack› of thunder, God sends all three  back› to Earth.›› Bill  Clinton  calls   together   his› Cabinet  and tells them, "I have good› news and bad news.  The good news  is› there is a God.  The bad news is He's› really ticked off at us and is  going› to end the world in a week."›› Boris  Yeltsin  calls  together   his› Parliament  and  says,  "Comrades,  I› have bad news and I have worse news. › The bad news is we were wrong;  there› is  a  God.   The  worse news is that› He's very mad at us and the world  is› going to end in a week."›› Bill  Gates  calls  together  his top› engineers and says, "I have good news› and  I  have  better  news.  The good› news is God considers me one  of  the› three  most  powerful  people  in the› world.  The better news  is  that  we› don't have to fix Windows 98.››           * * * * * * * * * * *›           *                   *›           *      THE END      *›           *                   *›           *      (WHEW!)      *›           *                   *›           * * * * * * * * * * *››