›               o=o=o=o=o=›› "Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript.›› <Pichard>  "Mr. LaForge, have you had› any success with  your   attempts  at› finding  a  weakness in the Borg? And› Mr. Data,  have   you  been  able  to› access their command pathways?"›› <Geordi>"Yes,  Captain.  In  fact, we› found   the   answer   by  searching › through   our    archives   on   late› Twentieth   -   Century     computing› technology."›› <Geordi  presses  a   key, and a logo› appears on the computer  screen.>›› <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell› is 'Microsoft'?"›› <Data  turns to answer.> "Allow me to› explain. We will send  this  program,› for  some  reason  called  'Windows',› through  the  Borg  command pathways.› Once inside their root command  unit,› it  will   begin   consuming   system› resources at an unstoppable rate."›› <Pichard>  "But  the  Borg  have  the› ability  to  adapt.  Won't they alter› their processing systems to  increase› their storage capacity?"›› <Data>  "Yes,   Captain.   But   when› 'Windows'  detects this, it creates a› new version of  itself  known  as  an› 'upgrade'.  The  use   of   resources› increases  exponentially  with   each› iteration.  The Borg will not be able› to adapt quickly  enough.  Eventually› all  of their processing ability will› be   taken  over  and  none  will  be› available     for     their    normal› operational functions."›› <Pichard> "Excellent  work.  This  is› even  better  than  that  'unsolvable› geometric shape' idea."›››     . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .››› <Data>      "Captain,     We     have› successfully installed the  'Windows'› in  the  command unit and as expected› it immediately consumed  85%  of  all› resources.   We  however   have   not› received  any  confirmation  of   the› expected 'upgrade'."›› <Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up› an increase in Borg storage  and  CPU› capacity  to compensate, but we still› have no indication of an 'upgrade' to› compensate for their increase."›› <Pichard>   "Data,  scan  the history› banks again and determine if their is› something we have missed."›› <Data>   "Sir,  I  believe their is a› reason   for   the   failure  in  the› 'upgrade'.  Apparently the Borg  have› circumvented that part of the plan by› not  sending  in  their  registration› cards.›› <Riker>  "Captain we have no choice. › Requesting    permission   to   begin› emergency  escape sequence  3F . . ."›› <Geordi, excited>  "Wait,  Captain  I› just  detected their CPU capacity has› suddenly dropped to 0% !"›› <Pichard>    "Data,  what  does  your› scanner show?"›› <Data>   "Apparently  the  Borg  have› found the internal  'Windows'  module› named  'Solitaire' and it has used up› all the CPU capacity."›› <Pichard>  "Lets  wait  and  see  how› long  this  'solitaire'  can   reduce› their functionality."›››     . . .  Two Hours Pass  . . .››› <Riker>  "Geordi what's the status on› the Borg?"›› <Geordi>  "As expected the  Borg  are› attempting    to    reengineer     to› compensate  for  increased  CPU   and› storage  demands,  but each time they› successfully   increase  resources  I› have setup  our  closest  deep  space› monitor  beacon  to   transmit   more› 'windows'  modules   from   something› called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.›› <Pichard>  "How  much  time will that› buy us ?"›› <Data>  "Current Borg solution  rates› allow  me  to  predicate  an interest› time span of 6 more hours."›› <Geordi>   "Captain,  another  vessel› has entered our sector."›› <Pichard>  "Identify."›› <Data>  "It appears to have  markings› very  similar  to   the   'Microsoft'› logo"›› <Over the speakers>  "THIS IS ADMIRAL› BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT  FLAGSHIP› MONOPOLY.     WE    HAVE     POSITIVE› CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE› IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS› AND  WE  CAN  AVOID ANY TROUBLE.  YOU› HAVE 10 SECONDS"›› <Data>   "The  alien  ship  has  just› opened   its   forward   hatches  and› released thousands of humanoid shaped› objects."›› <Pichard>  "Magnify forward viewer on› the alien craft"›› <Riker>  "Good  God  captain!   Those› are  humans  floating straight toward› the Borg ship with  no  life  support› suits!   How  can  they  survive  the› tortures of deep space ?!"›› <Data>   "I  don't believe that those› are humans  sir,  if  you  will  look› closer  I  believe  you will see that› they     are    carrying    something› recognized  by  twenty-first  century› man as doe skin  leather  briefcases,› and wearing Armani suits"›› <Riker    and    Pichard     together› horrified>  "Lawyers !!"›› <Geordi>   "It  can't  be.   All  the› Lawyers  were  rounded  up  and  sent› hurtling  into the sun in 2017 during› the Great Awakening."›› <Data>  "True,  but  apparently  some› must have survived."›› <Riker>   "They  have  surrounded the› Borg ship and are  covering  it  with› all types of papers."›› <Data>   "I  believe that is known in› ancient vernacular as 'red  tape'  it› often proves fatal."›› <Riker>  "They're tearing the Borg to› pieces !"›› <Pichard>  "Turn off the monitors.  I› can't  stand  to  watch, not even the› Borg deserve that."›› (This parody was forwarded to me by a› friend.  It has  apparently made  its› way around the Internet.  While I was› reading it, I realize what simplicity› we enjoy  with our Classic  Ataris --› ed.)››               o=o=o=o=o=››››