›               o=o=o=o=o=››              HUMOR CORNER›› Our computers  are  like  the  little› girl  with  the  little  curl.  "When› they are good they  are  very,  very,› good;  and  when  they  are bad ..." › Hopefully we can learn  enough  about› them  to prevent those bad times, but› until we do, the  following  passages› may  help.  I  got both  of  them  as› forwarded e-mail from friends.›› - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -››      UNDERSTANDING COMPUTER JARGON   › ____________________________________› This  is  a  classic that most of you› haven't seen yet.›› When I went to college in the 1980's,› I  heard  a  lot  of words like "data› input"   and   "beta  version."  They› confused me.  I wanted desperately to› know  what people were talking about,› what   Big   Secret  resided  in  the› computer industry.›› Now that I've worked  in  a  computer› company  for the last few years, I've› gained an insider's  perspective.   I› decided  to  share  my knowledge with› the   uninitiated   by  creating  the› following brief, handy glossary:›› ALPHA.    Software   undergoes  alpha› testing as a first  step  in  getting› user  feedback.   Alpha  is Latin for› "doesn't work."›› BETA.     Software   undergoes   beta› testing shortly before it's released.› Beta  is  Latin  for  "still  doesn't› work."›› COMPUTER.   Instrument  of  torture. › The first computer  was  invented  by› Roger  "Duffy"  Billingsly, a British› scientist.  In a  plot  to  overthrow› Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself› as a  German  ally  and  offered  his› invention  as  a  gift  to  the surly› dictator.  The plot worked. On  April› 8,  1945,  Adolf became so enraged at› the "Incompatible File Format"  error› message that he shot himself. The war› ended soon after Hitler's death,  and› Duffy began working for IBM.›› CPU.   Central  propulsion unit.  The› CPU  is  the  computer's  engine.  It› consists   of   a   hard   drive,  an› interface card and  a  tiny  spinning› wheel  that's  powered  by  a running› rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a› old  machine,  a  ferret  if  it's  a› Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's› a Pentium II.›› DEFAULT   DIRECTORY.    Black  hole. › Default directory is where all  files› that you need disappear to.›› ERROR   MESSAGE.    Terse,   baffling› remark used by programmers  to  place› blame  on  users  for  the  program's› shortcomings.›› FILE.  A document that has been saved› with an unidentifiable name. It helps› to  think  of  a  file  as  something› stored  in  a  file  cabinet - except› when you try to remove the file,  the› cabinet  gives  you an electric shock› and tells  you  the  file  format  is› unknown.›› HARDWARE.   Collective  term  for any› computer-related object that  can  be› kicked or battered.›› HELP.  What we all need. Actually, it› is   the   feature  that  assists  in› generating more questions.  When  the› help feature is used correctly, users› are able to navigate through a series› of Help screens and end up where they› started   from    without    learning› anything.›› INPUT/OUTPUT.   Information  is input› from  the  keyboard  as  intelligible› data and output  to  the  printer  as› unrecognizable junk.›› INTERIM  RELEASE.    A   programmer's› feeble attempt at repentance.›› MEMORY.   Of computer components, the› most generous in  terms  of  variety,› and  the  skimpiest   in   terms   of› quantity.›› PRINTER.   A  joke  in poor taste.  A› printer consists of three main parts:› the  case,  the jammed paper tray and› the blinking red light.›› PROGRAMMERS.    Computer   avengers. › Once  members  of  that group of high› school nerds who wore tape  on  their› glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons,› and memorized Star Trek episodes; now› millionaires    who   create   "user-› friendly" software to get revenge  on› whoever gave them noogies.›› REFERENCE MANUAL.  Object that raises› the monitor to eye level.  Also  used› to  compensate  for  that short table› leg.›› SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE.  A  carefully› calculated    date    determined   by› estimating the actual  shipping  date› and subtracting six months from it.›› USER-FRIENDLY.   Of  or pertaining to› any feature, device or  concept  that› makes perfect sense to a programmer.›› USERS.  Collective term for those who› stare vacantly at  a  monitor.  Users› are divided into three types: novice,› intermediate and expert.››   - NOVICE USERS.  People who are›     afraid that simply pressing a›     key might break their computer.››   - INTERMEDIATE USERS.  People who›     don't know how to fix their›     computer after they've just›     pressed a key that broke it.››   - EXPERT USERS.  People who break›     other people's computers.› - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -›››      You Know You're Too Serious›           About Computers...›› * You  comment,   while  watching   a›   sunset,  that  the  image  would be›   enhanced with 10% more magenta  and›   a higher resolution.›› * When  someone  tells  you  about  a›   great new  program and  you're very›   disappointed to find it's on TV.›› * If  while driving  down the street,›   you are confused by  the numbers on›   the houses - they do  not appear to›   be legitimate WWW addresses.›› * When you find  it easier to dial-up›   the   National    Weather   Service›   Weather/your_town/now.html than  to›   simply look out the window.›› * When you start using phrases  like:›   Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home›› * If  you call  in sick  because  you›   found a great new WWW site.›› * If you  can type your top 10 favor-›   ite Web sites, by heart.›› * If your fingers quit moving because›   you've been online for 36 hours.›› * If your  net  provider suggests you›   try  a competitor,  because  you're›   exceeding 300 hours a month connect›   time.›› * If on the way home  from work,  you›   use  your  portable  and   cellular›   phone   in your car, to reprogram a›   Tomahawk missile,  in  flight,  and›   redirect it  to take out  the joker›   in the Cadillac who cut you off.›› * When  your  desk   collapses  under›   the   weight   of   your   computer›   peripherals.›› * If you try to press Alt-F4 to close›   your car window.››               o=o=o=o=o=›››