››(For all you MODEM, & BBS USERS!)      ›CALL ME MODEM (mad!)›BY DENNIS KLINE,››Member of the OL' HACKERS A.U.G. Inc.››Do  you recall my last article on what›a computer did to my house?   Now read›what a Modem has done to me! About two›years  ago when I thought the time was›right  and  things  quited  down in my›house   over   having  a  computer,  I›purchased  a  modem.   Now  I  have  a›modem, great! Now what the heck do you›do  with it?  Being a novice, I hooked›it   up  per  the  instruction  sheet.›After  checking  out all the wires and›connections,  naturally,  I  wanted to›test  it.  I turned on my new 300 baud›Hayes Modem and 850 Interface and said›smuggly  to  myself  "So far so good".›Different  color lights flashed on and›off  just  like  the instruction sheet›said  they  would, and now to began my›new  adventure.   The instruction book›explained  how  to  set  it  up but of›course,  it  did  not mention that you›needed  special  software  to  run the›modem.  Now  I had to find someone who›could   explain   what   software  was›needed,and  how  to  use  it!  When  I›finally   reached   someone   who  was›knowledeable  with  using  the modem I›was  told  to  use  a  program  called›"Amodem  Plus", which started out with›a 4.4 version and had worked itself up›to version 5.4. Question, which one do›I  want?  Why not go for the best, the›5.4  version,  right?  At this point I›was starting to get really frustrated,›but  I  wasn't about to give up! Using›the  latest  version  5.4.,  I started›playing  with the modem, and I managed›to log on to a BBS Board with a number›given to me by a kind soul.››Questions  began  to scroll across the›screen,  "Did  I  want  300,  or  1200›baud"?  I  knew  I had a 300 baud, but›how  do I toggle to let the sysop know›that I have a 300 baud.  By the time I›found  out  how  to make the switch, I›found  myself  logged off.  Keeping my›cool,  I  logged on again, like a real›Pro only to find bigger problems like,›"Did  I want Ascii or Atascii"?  Being›very  careful  by nature, I hit one of›them knowing I had a 50/50 chance that›I  made  the  right  choice.  All of a›sudden  I am answering more questions,›almost  like the questions I had on my›first day in the Army. I'm surprised I›wasn't asked my wifes' maiden name, my›Social Security number, and my Income!›Next,  the  strangest  thing happened.›Each time I hit a letter I was getting›two   of   the   same  letter.   Still›maintaining my cool, I switched to the›other  mode  (ATASCII), and now things›were  looking  up.   However,now  I am›asked  for  a  four  letter  password.›Thinking  fast  and  typing  what ever›comes  out, I am told I cannot use it,›as someone else has it, or it is not a›good  word.  (What  words are 'good'?)›By   the  time  I  got  all  the  Army›questions  out of the way there was no›time  left,  and  again I found myself›logged off!›                           ›Being  an  indomitable  soul, The next›night   I   logged  on,  got  all  the›questions  out of the way only to find›more  problems  then  the prior night.›When  I  finally  reached the point of›Downloading another problem arose. How›do you accomplish this great feat? Not›knowing the answer, I hung up and made›several  calls  to some of my friends,›only  to  find out that you have to go›back  to the main menu and hit Receive›Xmodem,then  go  back to terminal mode›and  hit  "D"for  Download. Now, after›typing  the name of the file I wanted,›the screen said "Ready to send". I hit›start   and   all   of  a  sudden  the›strangest  things  started  to  scroll›across  the  screen.  Being new to the›Modem   and   having   never   seen  a›Download,   I  thought  something  was›wrong.  At this point I was exhausted,›and  I  decided  to let it run and see›what  happens!   Not  knowing that the›file  I  was  downloading was over 400›sectors long, and that at 300 baud  it›would   take   almost  45  minutes,  I›innocently   went   ahead.   When  the›screen   finally  indicated  that  the›transfer  was  completed  I was tired,›but  I  felt  great.   Now  to  run my›masterpiece   and   see   what  I  had›accomplished.           I  then  typed›"Load" and the name of the program and›everthing  looked  fine. When the load›was  completed  I  ran the program and›saw   two  "Readys"  come  up  on  the›screen,  one  under  each  other.  Now›what?  How is this possible? Why did I›ever  buy  this  monster? I made up my›mind   that  before  using  the  modem›again,  I  would get full instructions›before  attempting  it  again.   After›making   inquiries  from  other  modem›users I finally got documentation only›to  find that the 5.4 version had bugs›in it and not to use it. Ah, but there›was a corrected version out called 5.6›which  after some effort, I managed to›obtain.                      After   a›little   over  a  month  of  fearfully›staying  away from this new monster, I›sat down with index cards with step by›step  instructions  on  logging on and›logging  off  properly. When I finally›logged  on  and  gave  my  name, I was›asked  for  my Password. No problem, I›had  wisely jotted it down. Then I was›told   that   the   Password  was  not›accepted  and if I was a "New user", I›would  have to to answer the questions›again.  Full  of  frustration I logged›off.  Question, why was my password no›longer  valid?  Then  I found out that›because  I had not logged on within 30›days, I was automatically deleted from›the  board!  My  hitch in the Army was›much    easier    then    using   this›x#$%!!@&@## modem.››One   day   looking  through  computer›magazines,   I   found  the  telephone›number  of the OL' HACKERS ATARI USERS›Group.  I  called and was told to come›down.  I  joined  that group and found›other  people  with  the same problems›that I had with the modem.  One of the›fellows  taking  pity  on  me,  kindly›invited  me to his home to show me the›proper  way  to  Download  and Upload.››After  rectifying  all  my mistakess I›felt  great once again. Being informed›that  there was a great program on the›modem on a particular BBS Board I went›after   it   like  a  bloodhound!.   I›started   calling  at  8:00  P.M.  and›finally  at  11:05  I  logged  on. The›program   was   624  sectors  long.  I›figured  this will take forever, but I›was  determined to get it. The program›was  slow  but  I was getting it, when›suddenly,  after  40 minutes and I was›at  sector  525,  I noticed the screen›going  crazy.  No!  No!  No!  I  can't›believe  this,  everything  was  going›great.  Then a voice yelled down to me›from  on  high. It was my wife stating›she  had  picked  up the phone to call›her  friend  in  Florida and there was›something wrong with the phone, as she›heard some funny sounds. She wanted to›know  if  I knew what might be causing›it?››At  this  point,  I  will  close  with›"Guess What Happened To My Wife".›By: DENNIS KLINE, 5/1/87›                                      ›