31 May, 2000

why there is no column this week
a poem by snee

sick little snees,
they need sympathies
when they can't make deadlines
because of disease.

snees hate the flu,
because it do what it do.
it makes snee-heads woozy,
and snee-bodies too!

oh, now don't you worry
(but the snee-tongue's umm, furry);
she'll be quite all right
if she doesn't eat, say, curry...

she'd best stay abed,
a cool cloth on her head;
she shouldn't type this--
she should rest lots instead!

24 May,2000

UH OH! we have a controversy on our hands! a Raaaging Controversy, even!!! it seems not everyone agrees with the tootsiepop licking numbers. just yesterday i received the following sneemail:

Snee,
I know the right answer..and it tops those others you got. It takes 2500 licks to get to the center without biting...and i have a big tongue (and a lot of free time)!
Yuffie

well, that is far too different from the numbers emily and laura got for the sneepublic to rest easy. far from it!!! i ask you--nay--i IMPLORE you to go out and do more research! umm, either that or we could simply decide that yuffie is out of whack and has a very small tongue. (a big tongue would take fewer, but bigger, licks. just sayin'.)

snee,
how in hell can i get a girl that i really like to go out with me?
spazoran

dear spazoran,
this is just a theory, but i think the point of hell is that you don't have a good time. why then would a girl go out with you? and where would you take her--the sulphury cliffs above the flaming pits for a bit of hot making out? she wouldn't like that; hell is hell and you'd (naturally) have bad breath. sorry. there's only so much a snee can do to help...*shrug* wait! now that i think about it, maybe she'd HAVE to go, seeing as she's not supposed to have a good time either. hah!

Snee,
Ummm.....Oh Yeah! I am 13 year old guy, and i was wondering where in hell do u find chicks?
Lamar

dear lamar,
now this is a little different from the above question. let me think...umm, i think your best bet would be over between the rack of 70's tight-white-polyester-leisure-disco-dancing suits and the shelf of "Nuthin' But Marmite!" anyway, check there first.

dear snee,
ummm, is a fly without wings called a walk?
bfweakley

dear bfweakley,
yep. let's go with that. i like it.

May 15, 2000

GOOD NEWS!!! we have confirmation on the tootsiepop licking answer. we can all rest easy now...

Snee,
It is 303-306.
Yes, I know. I have no life. -laura

DEAR (sunshine lollipops and) SNEE,
I'VE GOT THIS (rainbows everything that's) SONG STUCK IN MY(wonderful is what) HEAD! IT'S BEEN THERE (i feel when *clap*) FOR LIKE A MONTH (we're to-geth-er. brighter) NOW! HOW CAN I (than a lucky) GET IT OUT? (penny when you're) LOVE, CLEM (near the *pause* raindrops) P.S. DO YOU (disappear dear and) LIKE THAT SONG? (i feel so fine, just to know that your mine)
dear clem,
when a song is stuck in your head (lollipop, lollipop! oh, lolli-lollipop!) like that, it's called an ear worm (yucky name!), and the only way (lollipop, lollipop! oh, lolli-lollipop!) to get rid of it is to replace it with another song. i know it's not the best solution, but (lollipop, lollipop! oh, lolli-lollipop!) we can only do what we can do. (LOLLIPOP! bum-bum bum bum...) anyway, this is what i've been told; i don't really know since it's never happened to me. *shrug*

Dear Snee,
How can I become a Snee? I want to have a cool name, give people advice, write funny stuff and get lots of e-mails!
From Snee Wannabe
dear snee wannabe,
now, you're intentions are honourable, indeed, but i'm not sure i can accommodate your request. i did consult with sneemum and she just flat out said no. (i suppose she has enough snees to deal with right now.) however, i will definitely keep you in mind for honourary snee status. watch the column--there have been rumblings about an Official Snee Fan Club, which i think is a darn fine idea!

hey snee,
i have an answer for curious' question about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop (from the feb. 2, 2000 "ask snee"): 336.
you're welcome,
emily

dear readers,
it would be Really Helpful for your favourite snee if you would be specific about the content of your question in the email subject line. that way it would be so much easier for me to find questions i've read and want to answer in certain columns. (i get lots of questions and sometimes i'm...well...lazy. so there.) also, i'm not answering any guy/girl type questions this week, just basic meaning of life stuff. back to love, lust, and "does he like me?" next week!

HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD?
n i c o l e

d e a r n i c o l e w i t h a l l t h e CAPS a n d s p a c e s,
it would chuck all the wood that a woodchuck could, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. (good?)

Snee,
How many boards would the mongols hoard if the mongol hordes got bored?
-chickenbum

dear chickenbum,
don't the butt-ends of chickens read the snee archives? well? don't they?!? if they DID, they'd know that i already answered that one. hunh. <--snee noise of derision. to repeat: they could hoard all the boards that mongols stored, if the mongols did hoard boards. (floored?) now pay attention next time mister chickenbum; i'm talking to you! yes, i am! *hands on hips*

Dear Snee,
How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsiepop?
Inquiring Mind

dear i.m.
have you met chickenbum? he doesn't read the archives either. grrr i said "lots." or maybe that wasn't good enough for you. *grrr* anyway, as i recall, and as fez tried to demonstrate on "that 70's show" (i hate when the day before i finish a column a t.v. show beats me to one of my answers! *grrr*), it takes 3 licks--lick lick lick BITE! of course, that all depends whether you are a licker or a biter. emily [see below], who pays close attention to snee columns and other important details of life, has an answer for you lickers out there. thanks, em! now what can you do about the poptart crisis?!

hey snee,
i have an answer for curious' question about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop (from the feb. 2, 2000 "ask snee"): 336.
you're welcome,
emily

May 3, 2000

dear snee,
what can i do to begin a relationship with i guy who i really fancy, and i'm not sure whether or not he likes me? he likes walking his dog but i don't know how to start a conversation with him. can you give me some help? he lives near me and is a year older than me.
rebecca

dear rebecca,
read on... the next time you spy him walking his dog, get right out there and follow at a discreet, but not-too-distant distance. eventually his dog will do what dogs do. you know, doo-doo. this is where the brilliance of the plan becomes apparent! slip on the dog poop, and make like you've twisted your ankle. dog-walking-guy will come rushing back to your aid, probably picking you up romantically in his arms and carrying you to a safe resting place. while you wait for the ambulance to arrive, he will fuss over you and you can make friends with the dog (showing him what a caring and forgiving person you are). d-w-g will bring you flowers and he'll be smitten. *sigh* so...the upside: you and d-w-g embark (bark! get it? get it?!?) on a nice romance. downside: you slip in dog poop.

Hey snee-
where can I get a tee shirt with your name on it?
tracey

dear tracey,
currently there are no snee-shirts available, but if you'd like the chance to be oh-so-fashionable, fill out the online survey the crack staff at rancho del amuso is conducting, telling them what you'd like to see in an online store. *serious face* tell all of your friends to fill out the survey so they can help shape the site and enjoy the things they'd like to see at the c*e*a. and *sucking up face* tell them all to stress that they want MORE SNEE! (oh, those snees are shameless, aren't they?)

Ddear snee
i really really like chocolate my friends say that my love for chocolate has become un-natural they call me a super-choco-freak i think that my use of chocolate is perfectly healthy but i'm not sure how can i tell if i'm a healthy chocolate lovin' teen or if i've crossed the line to super-choco-freak
love C.C.

dear c.c.
first of all, your friends shouldn't be calling you names. it's just not nice. because this is such a serious issue, i suggest (okay, cathie suggested that i suggest) that you send cathie and i a sample of the chocolate you enjoy and we'll be able to tell you more after extensive research. (click here to find out the address...) for now, i can tell you that you might well be hanging out with the wrong crowd. umm, cathie and i might be a better crowd. just sayin'.

April 25, 2000

dear Snee,
How can i meet my all time favorite group Nsync????? i've tried everything!! thanks a bunch!
JRTSLS4EVA

dear alphabet,
if you sent me some brown sugar cinnamon poptarts i could maybe hook you up... (snees have contacts but have to be persuaded to use them.)

hey snee!
just wondering... why are you never in the chat rooms?? some people who would like to remain anonomous, including me...(the sneech...) are really missing you when you aren't around.... so when are you coming back??
Starbelliedsneech....

dear starbelliedsneech,
i've popped in lately (snees are poppers), but you have to be quick to catch me! maybe if you lured me in with the aroma of freshly toasted brown sugar cinnamon poptarts you'd snee me more often...

Dear Snee,
May I call you Snee ma'am?? *waits for the nod*...... I think rats are the devil incarnate.What to do? Seriously my question to you is, I keep sneezing with my head back and it keeps raining on my face. What can I do? And where have you been lately?? I am sick of holding on to this BBOSS for you!
from No one

dear no one,
*nod* i don't think rats are the devil incarnate, but rather lucifer's ee-vil minions. as for your sneezing/head back/raining on your face problem, either concentrate on keeping your head down or invest in a super snee sneeze shield--guaranteed to protect you from such unfortunate occurences and quite attractive too! [available in the gift shop on your way out.] now what else? oh, i've been busy. sneesh, you people never want to let me rest! as for the BBOSS, thank you eversomuch, but the Big Bag O' Snee Stuff can find its own way home. just give it a bit of a nudge.

Dear Snee,
What is the name of the fat guy in the comic book shop, in "The Simpsons".
Baxter de Wahl

dear baxter,
exhaustive research tells me that the name of the rather portly gentleman (hmm, i bet HE knows where to get some bsc poptarts...) is simply "comic book guy". yup. that's it. ah, simplicity!

April 18, 2000

Dear Snee,
I have a problem. I don't like peanut butter and jelly!!! I feel so unwanted when I go to peanut butter and jelly parties. All of my friends eat peanut butter and jelly all day, and I sit there feeling like a total loser!!! What can I do to start liking peanut butter and jelly for the food it is???
Troubled and unwanted

dear troubled and unwanted,
don't worry.
peanut butter & jelly is soooo over! enjoy some tasty brown sugar cinnamon poptarts and all your friends will think you're cool.

Dear Snee,
I like this Girl but and she is 14 and i am 9 And i do not no how to tell her
PS. write back
CWMan

dear cwman,
i think she knows. [see below]

Dear Snee,
I have recently discovered that I like this guy....problem? He is way younger than me...I don't know how to act around him now........I don't even know if he likes me or thinks that I'm way too old....we flirt a little but I don't know....
Tricia

dear tricia,
i know you've heard that true love conquers all blah blah blah, but HE'S ONLY 9!!! less flirting, more leggo!

Dear Snee, Help! Do you know the name of the dog on Petticoat Junction (old TV show)?
Renegade

dear renegade,
the dog's real name was higgins, but on the show he was simply called "dog". apparently they were going to have a big contest to name him, but they never got around to it. sad, really.

March 22, 2000

dear readers,
i know some of you [see below] have been wondering where i've been lately. because i care about your critical thinking skills and general amusement, i'm going to give you a multiple choice answer...

snee has not been updating because:
a. she got too many faaabulous v-day poems and cathie locked her away in a jealous rage.*
b. she was getting well-deserved rest.**
c. she was combing north america for free cheese.***
d. she's a crazy procrastinator head.****
e. all of the above

Snee,
Are you dead? We haven't heard from you in so long. Don't be dead ok?
Emily

dear emily,
i'm not dead; i was feelin' kinda crummy for a few days, though. thanks for asking.

Dear Snee-
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO UPDATE YOUR PAGE!?!?!?!? I AM SUFFERING FROM SNEE DEPRIVATION, AND HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO COMPLETE MY HOMEWORK. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~ GRRRRR...

dear grrrrr,
first of all let me say that I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GROWLER!!! (umm, 'cept when they yell. snees are sensitive that way. *frown*) secondly, you should do your homework without me because snees are very distracting. get your poor grades by yourself! i can't take all the pressure!!!

Hello? Where have you been? Your page hasn't been updated in like a month!! PLEASE update it and answer my question (the one I sent to you like three times!!)
Signed,
a very irritated Elon

dear very irritated elon,
sorry, but the growler yelling at me drove your question right outta my mind! (snees are sensitive that way.) i'm gonna guess though that you should just ask him to the movies or something because he probably likes you as much as you like him. close? or, maybe you should break up with him because if all your friends tell you he's cheating on you AND he gets you a t-shirt that says "i'm with cheater", he probably is not the guy for you. closer?

Dearest of dear friends Snee,
Okay, to start off I am your #1 fan. I have memorized the entire snee archive. I check up on your website every 15 minutes to see if it has been updated, and when it has been updated I dance for joy and read it at least ten times. It has always been my dream to write an advice column, and now this dream has come true. I was hoping that you could give me a few pointers on giving advice.
All my love,
Topez

dear topez,
ooh, you are soooo close to being my Very Favourite Reader. send me 3 boxes of brown sugar cinnamon poptarts and YOU'RE IN!!! congrats on your new column--where can we see it? okay, pointers...let me think...let me think...aha, got one: UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! (no, don't update three times. i'm just emphasizin' here.) if you don't there is a good chance you will be yelled at (topezes might be sensitive that way) and blamed for poor grades. i know, i know--it's not fair, but the burden of being an advice columnist is great. *sigh*

*jealous rages are none too comfortable to be locked away in--no leg room. just sayin'.
**even snees need rest. yes, my little friends, even snees.
***and it took a long time because north america has quite a few tangles.
****enh, this can wait...

March 15, 2000

hello Snee.
I had a blind date with a nutcase. she had to kiss my eyes in my car while i was driving (and we nearly crushed off!) i told her that i hated it , but it didn't stop her. why shouldn't a guy have the right to say no to a girl whenever it deals with physical matters? they have the right, but when we don't like (or don't want) to do something, it's not important.
a terrified Single
dear terrified,
no means no, no matter who is saying no, no? yes. she should definitely have stopped. as for the eye-kissing, i hope you mean she was kissing your eyelids and not your eyeballs. (eww!) although...maybe that's why most people close their eyes when they kiss. *wise nod*

dear Snee,
there is this really hot guy who is falling all over me (yes i know i'm conceited) but i always choke up when it's time for the big smoocher-roo. so do you have any tips?
-choker
dear choker,
i'm guessing that's why the other people close their eyes. (just don't grit your teeth.)

dear snee,
i really want to know if i kiss good. how should i go about finding this out? is there some kind of website on great kissing?
-lipsmacker
dear lippy,
you betcha! http://www.virtualkiss.com. enjoy!

Dear Snee,
This is the scenario: Rich, young guy meets older, poor girl... There is this guy who is supposedly sooo into me. He is really rich, kinda cute, and funny at times, but that's not the problem...When we go out we always have fun-- but when he drops me off, he always tries to kiss me and he CAN'T KISS! What can I do or SAY?!
Mis-Kissed
dear mis-kissed,
in Snee's Little Log O' Life And Love it says (and i quote), "kissing is like playing the piano was when you were younger: PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE!" oh, and you could always send him to "kissing school" at http://www.virtualkiss.com.

Dear Snee,
I like this guy and he kissed me. should i ask him out?
always,
Karyn
dear karyn,
depends on how the kiss was... (see above)

hey snee,
when ever i kiss someone, i get a huge rash!!!!!!!!! i can't control it!!!!!! what should i do????
dear rasher,
be waaaay more careful about who you're kissing! (and are you kissing them on the eyeballs? contact lense solution can be harmful when ingested.)

Dear Ms. Snee,
I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year. I really like him a lot, but he is a little slow in the romance department. How do I get him to take the next step and french me??? I'm in desperate need, so please help me!!!
Signed,
Without Affection :*(
dear w/a,
lick his lips... (trust me on that!)

Dear Snee,
I have a question! what should i do? my b/f frenched me right in front of my parents! now i'm grounded! what should i do about him???
puzzled!!!
dear puzzled,
quit licking his lips when your parents are around! of course, if you really want to be sure you won't get grounded again, just bite his tongue off. (okay, okay, just buy him a copy of Snee's Book O' Romance Rules.)

Dear Snee,
How does one explain to ordinary, mortal, high-schoolers the concept of the number 42? If you can't answer that, then how do you explain to them that they don't know EVERYTHING and that they should keep their mouths shut when a subject comes up that they know nothing about? And how can I get people to give me free cheese? Sorry for so many questions, I'm not trying to be annoying, I'm just asking one for each of my multiple personalities. And why is the sky blue? sincerely and cheesily,
Twapalena, Gloria, Erin, and Snitter.
(The insane protagonists)

dear insane protagonists,
re concept of 42: just tell them that 42 is the meaning of life, because it is.
re keeping their mouths shut: forget explanations. bring duct tape.
re free cheese: go to a grocery store where those ladies give out little samples. or, hang around rat traps. or, wear a sign that says "please give me free cheese". (sometimes the honest, straightforward approach is best.)
re the blue sky: some light refraction thing, i think.
btw, i know i shouldn't have favourites, but i REALLY like the name "snitter".

hey, i got a question. what came first the chicken or the egg?
ron

dear ron,
it depends if you're having dinner or breakfast.

Dear Snee,
I have a very bad problem. I am addicted to sugar. It's gotten worse lately, I find myself stuffing handfuls of sugar packets in my pockets every time I go to a restaurant, then go home and stuff as much of the stuff as I can in my mouth. My favorite food is sugar cubes. I have a sugar index and can tell sugar made in Maryland from sugar made in new Jersey. I have been known to chant sugarsugarsugar in my sleep, and my social status has been rapidly decreasing since I keep bouncing off the walls and screaming at the cafeteria ladies for not having what I need. HELP ME PLEASE!!!
Only you can I know.
SugarHighAnonymousMember

dear sweetie,
congratulations, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
generally i think recreational sugar use is fine, but when you start yelling at cafeteria ladies, then you have definitely gone too far. don't they have enough to bear with those horrible plastic caps they are forced to wear??? anyway, here is the Snee Recovery System, free because i care about you, the reader! get some packets of equal-the pink ones, not the blue stuff. put them in the microwave and nuke them until they start getting all melty. let them cool. then, stick one of them on your upper arm. (yup, just like The Patch.) this will make you feel better because you can lick your arm whenever you are in a glucose rage. (been there, my friend. been there...)

Dear Snee,
This is a question that has been bugging me for about three months:
How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of a tootsie pop?
Curious

dear curious,
lots.

Dear Sneemeister
I have a problem with my dad because his diet consists of black licorice and sunflower seeds. This gives him the worst smelling odor of gas you could imagine. It makes the dump sound like a joy ride to Disneyland. These are his favorite foods and he won't give them up.
What should I do to make life last a little longer?
Toxic Waste Manager

dear t.w.m.,
separate house for dad or gas mask. (the least he could do is switch over to red licorice. i mean, really!) whatever you do, i think you need to insist that your dad get some serious help. serious, serious dietician-type help.

Dear Snee,
I just recently purchased a family pack (16) of blueberry Eggo waffles. Now, as happy as I am to have such a tasty treat to start my day with, I find myself a tad concerned. See, I do not, technically, have a family. At least, none that I live with. Am I breaking any Eggo laws? Will the Kellogs people send large men to my door, demanding to inspect the contents of my freezer? Please reply soon, as this has been keeping me awake since I got them.
AnonymousAsterix

dear a.a.,
i can definitely understand your commitment to BLUEBERRY EGGO WAFFLES. after all, they are the best waffles out there! i think you are right to be concerned because i understand that the BLUEBERRY EGGO WAFFLES people are very strict about the family packs. my advice would be to move to someplace Very Far Away (like, say, new zealand) and maybe even change your name. on the other hand, i am going to stay right in sneeworld and talk more and more about how BLUEBERRY EGGO WAFFLES are the best kind of waffles. (i understand that the BLUEBERRY EGGO WAFFLES people are very generous to snees who publically proclaim their bestness! mmm, BLUEBERRY EGGO WAFFLES!)

Snee,
Where did all the cookies go?
C.M.

dear c.m.,
asterix ate them. (he's like that.)

dear readers,
a big snee can admit when she has made a mistake (even though that kind of thing is rarer than brown sugar cinnamon poptarts in sneeworld), so i must confess that a reliable source, jelly, says that the name of the royal family of the netherlands is actually "oranje-nassau"...that's with a "j" instead of a "g". although...when i double-checked by surfing the Official Homepage of the Netherlands Royal Family, it said "g". so, whom to believe? jelly or the Official Homepage of the Netherlands Royal Family? jelly? (warm, wobbly c*e*a regular) O.H. of the N.R.F? (cold, monarchical technical pixels no one really knows) you decide. *wise nod*

Dear Snee,
Which came first the color Orange or the fruit Orange?
JmsCro

dear jmscro,
i firmly believe it was a perfectly synchronous arrival into the collective consciousness (<--fancy snee talk). regardless, they both came before those oranje-nassau people!

Dear Snee,
Do you know very much about hedgehogs?
Meadow

dear meadow,
yes. yes, i do.

Dear Snee,
I've noticed that Cathie has been in her corner, looking at male underwear, for a VERY long time now. My question is this, shouldn't some of her friends get together and do some kind of intervention? I mean, it's really not that healthy to be looking for so long, is it?
Asterix

dear asterix,
i've noticed that as well. i think she has been taken in by the whole thong movement. (very sad, indeed.) i think your idea about the intervention is a good one and i think i'll talk to dave, the fashion diva, and the others about it. umm, if you don't hear from us again, she hasn't taken it well...

January 12 , 1999

Snee Help! I forgot my name! What is it?
Doh!
dear blank,
im gonna go waaay out on a limb here and guess: AARON! (since thats the name on the email.)

Dear Snee,
Heres one for ya! The missing dollar:
3 men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 and went to the room. A little while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy back to the 3 guys' room with $5. On the way to the room the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split the $5 between the 3 men, so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2.
This meant that the 3 men paid $9 each for the roomfor a total of $27. Add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29. Where's the Other dollar?????
JAMMIN
dear jammin,
you don't add the greedy bellboy's two bucks; you subtract it. that way you get $25 which is the actual cost of the room. but enough about that--i wanna know why these three guys are getting a motel room together! no. no, i dont...

December 22, 1999

Dear snee,
i totally need your help with buying my boyfriend a christmas present. We have been dating two months. I don't have any idea what to get and it╒s getting close to the christmas party, that we are attending. Thanx
presentless and confused

dear p & c,
your boyfriend will be completely happy with a thoughtful card. Save your money. Boys love cards!

Dear Snee,
I want to buy my girlfriend a Christmas present but I really don╒t know what to get her. What do you suggest?
Steve

dear steve,
your girlfriend will be completely happy with a thoughtful card. Save your money. Girls love cards!

Dear readers,
many of you have written asking me what i would like for christmas. Well, your snee will be completely happy with a thoughtful box of brown sugar cinnamon poptarts. Spend your money. SNEES LOVE POPTARTS!!!

December 10, 1999

dear readers,

i've gotten not a meagry amount of mail in response to my answer for the "gry" riddle, and some people are even writing in with the question still. (pay attention, you!) first of all, riddles are wiley little word tricks that make you smack your forehead and/or groan; they aren't trivia questions. secondly, you'd have to look mawgry up in the O.E.D--the dictionary will volumes and volumes of info. thirdly, robert has found a very nice wordy type site that will explain everything for you - http://www.quinion.com/words/articles/gry.htm. (thank you, robert. you're my favourite!) now, you're really cutting into my navel-gazing time, so...ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Dear Snee,
How can you tell if the guy you like likes you back?
-confused

dear confused,
he's probably that guy across the computer lab from you, typing out a letter to snee! go over and talk to him. go on! you can do it!

Dear Snee,
i have a question.......there is a girl that i like and i want her to notice me...
Chris

dear chris,
WAVE! i'm trying to convince her to come over and talk to you, but she might need a bit more encouragement.

Dear Snee,
I am totally in love with this guy in my English class. The only problem is that I have never said a word to him and I don't think he knows who I am. I really want to start talking to him and at least become his friend. What should I do to stop being so shy? Thanks!
Shy and hating it

Dear Snee,
There's this kid that I really like and he goes to my school. I think he likes me but im not sure. Should i go up to him and start talking or should i wait and let him be the man and come up to me?
Diana

Dear Snee,
Ok, gee I feel so silly for this.. Ok My name is Jon and I live in a kinda dull city. I am trying to find a girlfriend and I seem to keep gett ing these 2 day deals (bah) I don't think I look bad. It's also kinda hard to meet girls. what on earth if anything can I do? Did I mention that I am also quite shy? heh :P
Romantically Lost,
Johnny

Dear Snee,
I can't ever seem to fit in. Every time I make a friend she suddenly becomes ultra popular and ditches me. I also can't seem to get a single guy to notice me (I'm NOT Ultra flirty) HELP.
Outcast

Guys ignore me. I am a senior in high school, and as far as I know, no guy has ever voluntarily talked to me. I'm not that ugly, and I'm hoping I'm not that annoying. Is there anything I can do?
Ignored

dear snee,
i want to know this kids e-mail address but i don't want to ask the kid because i'm to shy and none of my friends know who this kid is. How can i find out what this kids e-mail address is?
~brat~

Hello, Snee?
I got a question... I really want a boyfriend and I'm too shy to go up to the guy I like and t alk to him! what can I do??
social caterpillar

dear snee,
no matter what i do, i can't seem to get a boyfriend. all the guys i know just want to be friends. i try to be out going and make conversation, but it's always a fruitless effort. no one seems to notice me. i feel invisible to guys. i'm pretty and funny and nice, i don't know what's wrong. help!
invisible

Dear Snee,
How do I get chicks to dig me? I need to know this because nothing is working for me.

Dear Snee,
I really want a guy to ask me out how do I get him to ask me?
KAH...

Snee,
I've been looking for a girl friend for sometime now. When I think I've got the right one, she got a boy friend, or is not looking for one. Its like i can never win. No mater how had I try I just can't seem to get anything right. What do I do ?? P.S.

Dear Snee,
There is this boy at football practice that I really like and I not sure if he likes me. Well,the problem is I am extreamly shy and I am afraid to talk to him. hat should I do?
Trisha

Dear Snee,
Ok, i'm a loser/computer geek. i don't know how to flirt, or anything.I don't even know when to ask for a girls #. Can you give me tips?
Bob

Dear Snee,
I LIKE this guy. We talk a lot when he is not around his friends and he seems to flirt a little, so how do I find out (signs) if he likes me without asking him?
Lake

Dear Snee,
I really like this girl in school but I am too shy to tell her. I am afraid she may not like me. I'm even too scared to write a note. What should I do?
AOL User

Dear Snee,
Practically all the girls in my school has boyfriends. But I do Not have one. I like a guy but I am afraid to tell him that I like him. What shall I do?
Depressed

dear shy, di, johnny, outcast, ignored, brat, caterpillar, invisible, no-name, KAH, p.s., trisha, bob, lake, aol, depressed:
two things. first thing: you all seem to have something in common here, so know you're not alone (and i didn't include all the letters like yours!) second thing:

PARTY AT SNEEWORLD!!!

(snees like to bring people together.)

November 13,1999

dear readers (that would be you),

your favourite snee (that would be me) has been bombarded (that would be unpleasant) with letters asking for the solution for the "-gry" riddle. although i think riddles are best answered alone, with a full jug of now famous raspberry iced tea and some brown-sugar cinnamon poptarts (that would be a very tasty snack), you have Worn Me Down! (that would be obvious) ...so, listen up. for those of you who haven't heard the riddle yet, here goes:

"Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."

the answer is "language". get it? get it? huh? huh? huhokay, so, like with most riddles, this one leads you in one direction and then dekes off in another direction when you take a bite of your brown-sugar cinnamon poptart. you're asked to think of words ending in -gry, but that isn't relevant. the question refers to the sentence immediately before it: there are only three words in 'the english language'. the third word there is language. sneeky, eh? well, that's a riddle for you! (btw, just so you know, mawgry is a word. look it up.)

Dear Miss Snee, I am a strapping, virile young man who is trying to get in touch with his feminine side at all costs. This has no relevance to anything in particular but just in case you were interested Miss Snee. Anyway, I had a recent conversation where I commented that I had something 'up the wazoo'. Where exactly is the wazoo? Do I have one? Does it require any special maintenance? Brasidas

dear brasidas, i am very pleased that you are trying to get in touch with your feminine side. perhaps putting on a nice silk teddy and painting your toenails would help. just sayin'. as for the virile and strapping part, i think that might well make you quite popular at certain kinds of parties. but on with your question...i think you should have had the wazoo talk with your dad a long time ago. but, as you didn't, let me explain that a wazoo is a very special thing and, yes, you have one. perhaps i should email you privately about its maintenance...

Dear Snee, What is grist? Lynne

dear lynne: grist is something that you wouldn't want up the wazoo.

Dear Snee, My brother has a question: If a cat always lands on its feet, and toast always lands butter side down, what happens when you strap a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop it? ken

dear ken, the cat will get extremely ticked off and claw your--i mean your brother's --eyes out. duh!

October 20, 1999

Dear Snee,
So, when are there gonna be new questions, huh? Just wonderin'!
Yours truly, Definitely NOT Asterix (he'd be too cool to read this stuff)

dear d.n.a.,
nag, naggy nag!
this week we have a theme, so start whistling that eery music right about now!

THE GOOD...

Dear Snee,
(I really don't want to use real names...k?)
There is this girl (Snee)...that I ('Bogz) really like. But she (Snee)...acts like I ('Bogz)...don't exist. What I ('Bogz) ...really want to know....is if I ('Bogz) should tell her (Snee) about my ('Bogz) feelings i have for her (Snee).... or if I ('Bogz) should just spray paint my feelings on a bridge?
sincerely, Anonymous.....

dear anonymous ('bogz),
i think that you ('bogz) should do the spray paint thing because i have a feeling she (snee) likes bold gestures like that. also, you ('bogz) should send her (snee) lotsa good stuff like brown sugar cinnamon poptarts, beanie baby bears, chocolate, and new vw bugs (all the different colours). that way she (snee) will be all happy-like and know you ('bogz) exist. oh, but don't forget to sign the bridge and stick little "from" notes all over the good stuff so she (snee) doesn't get confused.

Dear Snee,
Will you marry me?
InGodzeyes

dear godzeyes,
will you spraypaint bridges and send me lotsa good stuff? we'll talk.

Dear Snee,
How do I get guys to notice me?
Desperate

dear desperate,
write an advice column. hehehe!

THE BAD...

Snee,
YOU'RE AN IDIOT
ras

dear ras,
I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I!?! :-P

AND THE UGLY...

dear snee,
when i get nervous i fart, especially on dates... is there anyway i can somehow get over this?
julie

dear julie,
well, i'm not a doctor and i don't even play one on t.v., but i'd have to say that you might want to examine your diet. i suspect you're eating too many beans. i know, i know -- your mom says they're good for you, but that doesn't mean you have to have them 3 or 4 times a day. quit sprinkling them on your cereal and floating them in your jello! but wait! if you only fart (heh heh, snee said fart!) when you're nervous, maybe you should load up on beans and practice NOT FARTING. yeah...if you don't explode, then you will have mastered the time-honoured art of the non-fart. (heh heh, snee said non-fart!)

Dear Snee,
I have a date tomorrow, with this guy i have liked for 5 years, and he is the most popularest guy in my school. Unfortunately i have a bad case of diarrhea. my doctor said it won't probably go away for 3 days. what should i do?
goobermay

dear goobermay,
umm, you haven't been sprinkling beans on your cereal and floating them in your jello, have you? anyway, don't go on the date! call this most popularest boy up and tell him you're not *delicate cough* feeling well enough to go out, but that you would like to when you're better. if he questions you about it, let him know that it's an illness that responds to get well flowers, but chocolate -- not so much...

Snee,
I just started off at a new school with all new people because i moved. While i was sitting on the bus (alone) some girl came over to me and sat next to me. She was really nice and everything but when our convo stopped, i noticed that she was picking her nose. All of the girls i made friends with now tease me because the girl from the bus alwayz wants to do stuff with me and they know I dont like her. I really dont want to be mean, but I dont want to hang with this girl who picks her nose (and by the way, she eats it)! I tried EVERYTHING to get rid of her... i even pretended to be mad at her so she would shut up but i recently made her cry. I took back everything i said and now she like wants me to sleep over- what should i do? PLEASE answer my question.
A Booger Brain's Best Buddy

dear b.b.b.b.,
first let me explain that picking is not a choice -- sometimes you just gotta get in there! eating on the other hand...EWWW! secondly, remember that she made friends with you when you were alone. that should count for something, shouldn't it? okay, now i'm assuming she's a nice person with a...umm...er...flaw. take her aside and tell her that you know about her "activities" and that you'd like to hang with her, but you feel like puking every time she's around. if you can't confront her, then i suggest you and your other friends start an anti-picking/eating campaign. think of a nifty slogan like "just DON'T do it!" or "pick it? kick it!" and make posters and pamphlets and buttons you can bombard your school with. soon booger-girl will be discreetly picking in private...like the rest of us!

dear readers,
if you have any slogans you can pass along to b.b.b.b, send 'em on in!

October 6, 1999

Dear Snee,
I have a boyfriend that I love, but I can't stop flirting! Is it okay to flirt, even if you have a serious boyfriend?
Athena

dear athena,
flirting is a normal and natural thing. it's important, though, that you understand what constitutes proper non-boyfriend-offending flirting. smiling during a conversation is fine; grinning like an idiot from across the room is not. glancing at someone is fine; staring at him for 18 or 19 hours is not. touching someone's arm is fine; touching his--umm, let's not go there. making friends is fine; making it is not. if these simple guidelines make sense to you, then you have nothing to worry about, and neither does your boyfriend. if not, enroll in snee's new fall flirt frenzy class. (run, don't walk--space is limited.)
snee

Dear Snee,
I have a date tomorrow night with the coolest guy in school, and I have a big zit on my forehead. Is there anything I can do? Please help!!!
Anxious

dear anxious,
this is going to be complicated, so pay close attention. first, get out all of your cosmetics. arrange them alphabetically. (are you with me?) once you've done that, get rid of anything red, since red is not a good colour for zits. okay, now use all of the colours you have left (even the evil blue eyeshadow) and draw a picture of the lead singer of KoRn on your forehead. even if it turns out to be a little alternative rock stickman, your date will never ever notice your blemish. zit? what zit!?! go out and have a great time!
snee

Dear Snee,
There's this guy in my school and I want him to notice me. What should I do?
Wallflower

dear wallflower,
this is going to be complicated, so pay close attention. first, get out all of your cosmetics. arrange them alphabetically....aw, you get the idea!
snee

Dear Snee,
My parents are soooo uncool and unreasonable and my curfew is 7 o'clock. What can I do about this?
Frustrated Party Animal

dear animal,
i sympathize with your problem. parents can be a real drag! umm, except for sneemum, of course. (sneemum might be reading this and she still wields a considerable amount of power in her favourite snee's life...) where was i? oh. right. well, i think you can easily combat your parents' uncoolness by lending them your goth-gear and painting their fingernails black. as for the curfew, i think they are right on about that. school starts at 8 o'clock, doesn't it? you do need an hour or so to get ready!
snee