Monday

Dear Mr. Swarner.

Alasdair said he forgot his lunch today, but this afternoon I found his lunchbox buried under our dried noodle collages. When I asked him why he did this, he said he couldn't face another peanut butter sandwich, bag of chips, and piece of stale Halloween candy. Do you think he feels insecure about his nourishment? Sincerely yours, Alasdair's teacher, Ms. Goodesteem.

Tuesday

Dear Ms Goodesteem.

Both my wife and I work, so gourmet lunch making is quite a luxury (as is grocery shopping). I would like to point out, however, that it was a Blowpop.

Respectively yours,

Alasdair's father, Ken Swarner

Tuesday

Dear Mr. Swarner.

The BLT seemed to pick up your son's spirits today. Have you and your wife tried sharing the lunch making duties? You do the sandwiches, and she chops the fruit? P.S. It warms my heart to see a child interacting positively with his meal.

Yours truly,

Ms. Goodesteem.

Wednesday

Goodesteem.

That wasn't a BLT. Try bacon, lettuce and Cheetos (we were all out of anything red). Thanks for the advice, but my wife and I have almost divorced over lunches. Our counselor Peggy helped us compromise: I make the lunches, and my wife does everything else (which still gives me the raw end of the stick). Long live Skippy.

Mr. Swarner.

Wednesday

Dear Mr. Swarner.

I think we are slipping back into some bad habits. Your son had the same old sandwich again. Why don't we try what some of my other parents do: Tomorrow morning, wake up an extra 30 minutes early and cook your son a bowl of spaghetti or ravioli for lunch. You could butter a few slices of bread, and toss a small green salad. Think how special that would be for him.

Sincerely yours,

Ms. Goodesteem.

Thursday

Teacher.

Spaghetti? Getting up early? Maybe you wish to see me have a nervous breakdown - the kind where I quit work and sit on my front porch all day wearing only light blue pajama bottoms? You don't have children, do you?

Mr. Swarner.

Thursday

Mr. Swarner.

Ms. Goodesteem was not suggesting that you wear anything on your porch. She is just concerned with your son's nutrition. There are many easy lunches that would offer your child variety, like my favorite: oliveloaf.

Signed, Alasdair's principal, Ms. Gloria Winterbottom.

Friday

Ms. Winterbottom.

Maybe I haven't been clear enough. My morning starts out with scrounging for breakfast because all of the milk is gone. Then, there is usually a daily challenge, like, finding my son's homework in the recycle bin, or pulling my daughter's shoe out of the heating duct. After this, I make the lunches in assembly row fashion. Switching to lunch meat would require concentration which I usually reserve for driving to school in rush hour traffic while the children sing 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' at the tops of their lungs. But, thanks for the advice, it's nice to know you care.

Swarner.

Last Updated: 06/02/00
WebMistress: Cathie Walker
Author, Author!: Ken Swarner writes the syndicated column, Family Man for papers in the US and Canada. He can be reached at noifs@aol.com.
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