Cathie was born to relatively modest beginnings. Unlike the other children in her neighborhood, she only had three personal servants and a mere suite of rooms at her disposal instead of a whole wing of the family mansion. Despite these disadvantages, she perservered.
At the age of seven her schmoozing talent became apparent when she negotiated young Tommy Hanks a fifteen cookie contract to star in the school play. But, not satisfied with only 1.5 cookies, she left the shelter of her school and ran away to join the circus.
Cathie tried every job at the circus, from acrobatics to sweeping up elephant droppings, yet it seemed she had no talent for any. What she did show a talent for was recognizing talent. At the mere age of ten, she became the circus' top recruiter, using a fake I.D. to get into clown bars where she schmoozed the most highly sought humor talent on the circus circuit. But within a few years she tired of that and moved on.
Cathie's next job was as a greeter at Wal-Mart. Here she was able to put her schmoozing talents to full use and developed her now trademark phrase... "Hi. How are ya?" But, realizing that there was nowhere to go from there but Wal-Mart management, at the age of sixteen she moved on again.
For the next seven years, Cathie bounced from job to job. Campaign worker, maitre d', encyclopedia salesperson, cult leader, topless dancer, anywhere her schmoozing talent took her. And then it happened. She discovered the Internet.
Quickly taking out an ad in alt.jobs.wanted, she was contacted by the struggling C*E*A. At that time, they were just a little operation with only one link... "The Canonical List of Jokes Implying A Homosexual Relationship Between Gilligan & The Skipper." Half of their hits came from when they browsed their own page to see how high the hit counter had gone. She accepted the challenge and took on the position of Chief Schmoozing Executive.
She started out small, getting links to lists of blonde jokes and purity tests, then moved up to "50 annoying things you can do in an elevator" and the alt.urban.legends FAQ. Soon enough she had compiled hundreds of links ranging from the absurd to the sublime, schmoozing each link's maintainer, using the skills she'd learned in every job she'd had to get reciprocal links and build the hit count at C*E*A. Eventually, C*E*A became a qualified success.
And now Cathie Walker sits at the helm of an Internet giant, contemplating her next move. What will it be? What will next challenge this high priestess of Schmooze? Rumor has it that she plans to turn Yahoo into a megaconglomerate, that Bill Gates has sent her e-mail offering her a 10% stake in Microsoft if she can convince people that Windows 95 doesn't suck. It has even been whispered that Spielberg, Katzenberg, and Geffen have asked her to head an Internet production wing of Dreamworks SKG. But for now, Cathie sits in her lavishly appointed virtual offices in the corporate headquarters of C*E*A, hunting down even more links, and she's not telling.
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