1... I WAS GETTING A MASSAGE and the masseuse starts talking to me about dogs, and how great it is to have a pet. I tell her I'm not really a pet person, but she's convinced I'd be happier with one. She says, "You know, you should get a poodle. They're the perfect pet - they don't shit." I say, "That's really weird. I've never heard of such a thing." She's like, "Yeah, isn't that great?!" I'm very confused by this notion, but then I start to drift off. About 20 minutes later, I startle myself awake. "Shed." She said, "Poodles don't SHED."

2... WE WERE HAVING one of those closet organizing companies redo a couple bedroom closets. On the morning they were supposed to do the work, we received a panicky call from the owner saying they had an unexpected closet emergency with another customer, and they'd have to reschedule. I hung up wondering, what - and I really truly am curious - what exactly constitutes a "closet emergency"?

3... THE OTHER DAY AT WORK, my friend David threw a crumpled-up piece of paper to me. I caught it, looked at it, then set it down. He then threw a paper clip. I did the same thing. "Don't you get it?!" He yelled. "You're supposed to throw it back!" How was I supposed to know that was what he wanted? I am a girl. I do not have the catch gene. Guys have the catch gene. That is why - and I only realize this now - that the male symbol is a circle with an arrow coming out of it. It stands for "throw the ball."

4... WHEN MY HUSBAND and I got engaged, he decided to sell his VW Rabbit because we only needed one car together, and his was a stick which I didn't know how to drive. He put an ad in the local paper with the headline: FIANCEE CAN'T DRIVE STICK. We came home one night to this message on his machine: "YO DICKHEAD - TEACH THE BITCH TO DRIVE STICK!"

5... WHILE WALKING TO work and frantically going over the day's upcoming events, I suddenly thought about something I had read the night before - that cliché about really trying to live in the moment. So I shut my thoughts off and started to hear birds chirping. I realized I had never heard these birds before, despite the fact that I walked the same path many times. For the rest of my walk, I listened to and thought about the birds - wondering if they were cold, where they were headed, and so on. Later that afternoon, I was reviewing a local designer's portfolio. He showed me a poster he was particularly fond of. In big, bold letters across the top it said: LISTEN FOR THE BIRDS.

6... MY FRIEND DAVID peed right next to Stevie Wonder once.

7... MY BROTHER-IN-LAW Adam was over and we were all hanging out watching the basketball game. Upset by a play, oblivious to the toddler in the midst, and in full testosterone form, Adam screams to the TV, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? YOU GOD DAMN STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!!!" Without missing a beat, 3 1/2 year-old Justin blurts out, "Uncle Adam, we don't say 'stupid'!"

8... AFTER COMPLAINING TO my friend Charise about how most guys are so unchatty, she shared with me the dating wisdom of her bisexual friend. Apparently this woman had just come out of a relationship with a real taciturn guy, and then started seeing another woman who turned out to be quite a talker. It was a thrill at first - all the long, animated conversations. No more "nothing" replies to the question "what are you thinking about?" But then, after some time, she said she was just so damn sick of all the talking. And she made the lane change back to guys.

9... I observed this flashing message - which is basically the story of Western Civilization in 20 words or less - on one of those electronic billboards outside a local drugstore:

10... MY FRIEND PAT WAS BUYING HIS daily paper from a newspaper box. As he straightened himself out and turned to walk away, he realized that his tie had gotten closed in the box. He then also realized that he had no more change. After craning his neck for a moment or two - in search of a kind stranger, or for some answer in general - he did the only sensible thing. He undid his tie, left it in the box, and walked away.

11... I'M IN THE EMERGENCY room waiting to be examined (for some chest pains, turned out to be nothing), when who appears before me but a guy I went to grammar school with. I can't believe it - the doctor is Jonathan Handler. We both freak out, oh, my God, is it really you, oh, my God. He examines me, we talk, and he goes to call my OB-GYN (I'm pregnant at the time and she needs to check things out, too.) She shows up and says before I can have the necessary lung tests, I need to have a rectal exam (I don't understand the correlation either), done typically by the ER doctor. I panic. No way. No way is Jonathan Handler giving me a rectal. "We were in the same 3rd grade class," I whine. And you know, if you were in the same 3rd grade class with someone, they can't give you a rectal, that's just the rule. She completely understands and generously offers to do the honors herself. I'm immensely grateful. A few minutes later, Jonathan reappears. He looks nervous. Fidgeting with his hands and avoiding eye contact, he starts to mumble something about necessary procedure, has to be done....and I realize he doesn't know the rectal thing's all taken care of. "It's OK!!!" I reassure him. "She already did it!" Jittery awkwardness is replaced with a smirky-smile of relief. He confides that he too was panic stricken, pleading with his fellow doctors to do him this one favor, that he just couldn't bring himself to do a rectal exam on Amy Krouse.

Now that you're intrigued, here are Amy's books, carefully set up so that you can click on any one of them and whiz off across the web to a place that will sell them to you!

Last Updated: 05/09/00
Author: Amy Krouse Rosenthal
Webmistress: Cathie Walker
© copyright 1995-2000
Centre for the Easily Amused