Nothing Personal
The Arctic explorer who placed this newspaper ad to recruit participants for his expedition might well have been shocked by the magnitude of the response. Hundreds applied. The language is simple, direct... and compelling. Here is marketing at its finest, the art of evoking human hopes and dreams.
Writing a personal ad is something of an adventure in itself. Here is an opportunity to reassess yourself, to focus and clarify your self-image, the chance to recreate (or, at least, rewrite) yourself. You can sculpt the profile you display to the outside world, to the women you wish to meet. This assumes your total involvement in the project. It requires complete dedication to the task and responsibility for the consequences. What you are starting here may have far-reaching effects.
What Personal Ads Can Do (Perhaps)
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Personal ads have a long and venerable, even stodgy tradition. At one time, professional matchmakers and marriage brokers regularly placed ads and announcements for their clients in ethnic and foreign language newspapers. The personals fell into disrepute around midcentury, as a more modern, urbanized generation felt no need to resort to indirect methods of meeting, dating, and mating. Since the '80's, personal ads have made a comeback, regaining respectability by virtue of their ability to connect people who would otherwise never meet. |
Writing an effective ad requires imagination, sensitivity, and humor.
Intermediate level or better communications skills, while not absolutely
mandatory, considerably improve your chances for success. Treat this as
a creative writing project, lavishing on it the same care you would on a
grant proposal or a submission to a publication. This means extensive
editing and revisions, not to mention having a working knowledge of the
precepts of good writing (Strunk and White's book, THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE, provides an excellent
starting point). Note that if you cannot express yourself effectively
in writing, now would be a good time to begin your education in this
vital survival skill. A poorly written personal ad (or a lame imitation
of someone else's) is an exercise in futility.
Given a very limited number of words in which to state your case, perhaps 50 or less, make each one count. Poetry compresses language almost to the bursting point. Imagery and metaphor are wicked, sharp edged blades. Rhythm compels. A feeling for subtlety and nuance lends elegance to expression. Language, in its grandeur, its majesty, its naked violence, plumbs the mysteries of existence, unleashes avalanches of change and has the power to transform all it touches.
A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon lover! |
Shy guy in need of girlfriend. Lonely. Desperate. Life is empty. Save me from drowning in misery. From the depths, I cry out. |
Oddly enough, this is hardly the worst of possible ads. It is stark, almost gothic in its intensity, in its ostentatious display of pain, its pale echoes of Oscar Wilde's Ballad of Reading Gaol. It might even strike a chord with a woman looking for someone to "save", to rescue and nurture. More realistically, it will either elicit no responses at all, or, worse yet, get an answer from a woman looking for someone to "remodel". On a scale of 1 to 100, this gets a 5.
SWM, NS, ND, tall and handsome, muscular, financially secure. Enjoy long walks on the beach, moonlit nights, and cuddling in front of the fireplace at midwinter. |
The generic "white bread" ad. Uninspired and poorly written, it is about as palatable as a heaping bowl of cold oatmeal. The less said about it, the better. On a scale of 1 to 100, this one barely rates a 2.
As an aside, avoid the use of jargon, acronyms, and abbreviations unless you can make up clever ones of your own. "Boilerplate" constructions, while saving on word count, break the flow of words, dilute the flavor of the message, and, in general, make their own unique contribution toward mediocre prose. More to the point, they evoke more snorts of derision than responses. "ND NS SWM seeks SWF" (yawn), "financially secure" (yeah, sure), "long walks in the moonlight" (groan). |
Axiom #0: Grab the readers' attention.
Stray puppy in need of a good home. Cuddly, floppy-eared 35-year old inventor would like to reinvent YOUR life... |
Cassiopeia, oh starry-eyed maiden of my dreams, book lover, gourmet, esthete, athlete. Contemplate an afternoon at the atelier feasting our eyes on the Renaissance masters. Then home, for more substantial fare. |
A man and a woman Are one. A man and a woman and a blackbird Are one. "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird" |
Biker daddy, Herman Munster lookalike, popcorn addict, soap opera afficionado, seeking a ray of sunlight. Set me on fire, baby. |
Potbellied Polish polymath polygrapher, pundit, punster. Poleaxed by polka-dotted polyester Polynesian Pollyanna. Reply posthaste. Polly want a cracker? |
No, no! Desire both lives and dies A thousand times a day. |
Axiom #4: Humor. If life is funny, then all the more so this whole business of finding a lover. A little laughter will enliven your ad, and your life.
Axiom #5: Patience. Things must proceed at their own pace. Or they will not.
Axiom #6: Courage. If your ad gets just a few or no responses at all, don't despair. Try again.
Axiom #7: Empathy. Put yourself in the woman's place.
Try to imagine why women respond to a personal
ad.
Corollary: Be kind to the women who respond to your ad. Try to answer each response compassionately, even if the woman responding is not quite right for you.
Axiom #8: Read other people's ads, to get ideas and to learn from their
mistakes (it is much less painful than learning from your own).
Axiom #9: Check your spelling (or use a spell checker). An ad containing spelling errors makes you look foolish.
Axiom #10: Run the prospective ad past a friend, preferably a woman friend, to confirm that it is not complete gibberish. Listen to advice, but trust your own judgment.
Axiom #11 (the Eleventh Commandment): Do not rely on axioms.
Putting it all together, construct your ad using this template:
Icy winds tear asunder boiling thunder clouds, deliv'ring sun from
Nature's rage. Still I'm a man, strong enough to be gentle, a free
thinker, self-educated. At 22, old enough to discern wisdom's shadow,
young enough to wonder, innocent in splendid solitude. Please, cultured
older woman, show me the ways of life, and love.
Can a well-crafted personal ad (or reply to same) persuade a woman to respond to a man she would otherwise consider unsuitable? Conventional wisdom holds that expressive skill, words alone, can tilt the balance if she is uncertain, but hardly effect a complete transfiguration. This classic assumption needs some cold water thrown on it. Consider how unpredictable we humans are. Only occasionally do we act rationally, and more often we grope our way blindly through a fever dream of wish and expectation. Our very desires, even our perceptions are in a constant turmoil. Yes, words can change a woman's mind. Maybe. |
The Village Voice, along with
the LA Free Press and Berkeley Barb, can claim credit for
pioneering the modern era of personal ads. What was once a solitary
voice in the wilderness, or village as it were, has changed since
then, and for the worse. The Voice Personals, in
common with many other publications carrying personals, have plugged
into the 900-number scheme both for
responding to and retrieving responses from the ads. While the initial
ad is "free", the associated costs may easily run into hundreds of
dollars. Moreover, the costs of answering an ad via a 900-number can
easily discourage someone who might otherwise respond by the traditional
letter/note method. This is the dark underside of technology. It reduces
what should be a correspondence by letter, nice and easy, unhurried,
safe, to a series of frenzied phone calls. It kills the spirit of
romance, not to mention plundering your pocketbook.
This brings up the question of whether it is worth spending hundreds of dollars to place one or more personal ads in what is essentially a gamble. This issue you will need to resolve according to your own judgment and circumstances. Those fortunate few for whom money is no object will have little to lose by placing multiple ads. For everyone else, us working people, there are certainly alternatives to spending hard-earned money on speculation.
The newsgroup alt.personals, after a promising beginning in the early days of the Net, has more or less become a wastland of ads for X-rated spam and other foolishness. This mostly holds true for the entire alt.personals.??? newsgroup hierarchy, unfortunately. It is still worth a look, but might well be a complete waste of time as far as actually posting an ad.
The Classifieds2000 site offers a good testing ground for placing an ad. There is no charge for ad placement on this popular site.
The American Non-Profit Dating Service features free personal ads, as does Abracadabra.
Curious Cat Personal Connections offers free personals, as well as an array of information useful to singles.
Yahoo offers free regional personal ads as a benefit of its free membership. These are certain to reach a wide audience.
"Special needs" resources for personal ads include the Personal Ads, Size Acceptance, Fat Acceptance site for fat persons and their admirers and the Antopia Herpes Network for those with herpes.
Try the Singles Sites Chat Site Directory for a list of places on the Net to investigate for posting ads. Find additional sites by querying one of the Web search engines for the key words "personal ads".
Dean Esmay has written an excellent Personals FAQ. This is required reading for those contemplating posting their ad online.
Consider using your own web site as a sort of
personal "display ad". This alternative mode of advertising yourself holds
some promise as a way of transcending the boundaries of the traditional
personal ad.
Exercise #2: Prepare a list of ten places to publish your ad. Narrow
down the choices to the best three.
Exercise #2a: Actually place an ad in one or more of the places you
have selected. Do not become discouraged if you fail to get immediate
results, as it may take a month or more for your ad to build up
"momentum". Remember, this is a learning experience.
The odds favor the person placing an ad over one who responds. Far
better to have 30 respondents to your own ad to choose among than to be
one of 30 responding to someone else's ad. All the same, there come
times when you find someone else's ad so captivating that you would
never forgive yourself if you did not at least give it a shot.
Consider the options available if you respond. Most likely, you would need to call a toll number, and pay by the minute. Your presentation will, of necessity, be short, attention grabbing, and to the point. You absolutely must distinguish yourself from all the other "candidates" who answer this particular listing.
Take the time you need to develop a "script" for your five-minute one-man show. Pencil and paper are your tools, and a tape recorder and stopwatch useful accessories. Outline what you want to say, then edit and revise, revise, revise. With your final script in hand, rehearse out loud until your playlet rocks and rolls. Put on your favorite music (softly) in the background, pick up the phone and let your voice flow, smooth, effortless, and convincing. Remember - rhythm, pacing, timing, and always leave 'em wanting more.
If you respond via U.S. mail or e-mail, then display your expertise in
the classic art of letter writing. As necessary, refer to the pointers
given in the previous chapter on writing love
letters. Consider that this is not the two of you alone, rather,
you are trying to make your voice heard above the crowd. Your epistle
will be competing with those of many unseen rivals. A "generic" note
will get only a cursory glance, if that. Again, aim to have your response
stand out. A neat handwritten letter
gets more attention than a typed or computer-printed one. A photocopied
letter heads straight for the trash. Write creatively, seek the unusual,
listen to inspiration, and revise, revise, revise. Keep file copies of
your previous correspondence, and learn from your mistakes.
Dear Kindred Soul,
A bolt out of the blue! Your ad bestirred my dusty old heart and aroused in me tender emotions, the likes of which I thought myself no longer capable of. Tell me, disturber of my tranquility, what is to become of me now? <There follow three or four paragraphs specifically addressing the concerns expressed in the ad, and especially why this particular woman may be the one for you.> Now, as to myself, I am a 99-year old single man pursuing a rewarding career in paleoanthropology. My interests include bottle cap collecting, restoring Louis XVI furniture, dowsing, spotting UFOs, handcrafting clothes hangers. I live in a luxurious renovated yurt on a jagged hillside overlooking the western edge of the Mojave desert. Keeping me company are 15 gerbils, 3 goats, and a mongoose, but at times I find myself longing for the comforts of human companionship. <Several more amusing-but-descriptive paragraphs about yourself.> I remain a romantic, despite the world's best efforts to tame my free-roaming spirit.
Yours,
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The best-kept secret in the business world is that publicity works better than advertising. Calling
attention to yourself by getting in the news, becoming well-known by
outstanding achievement or a timely "coup" is worth a thousand personal
ads. Public personalities and "celebs" have no need to place or answer
personal ads. On the contrary, their problem is fending off the advances
of female admirers. You should only have such problems.
Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel and similar publicity stunts have their attractions, but the cost generally outweighs the benefits, to put it mildly. Much less hazardous is having yourself crowned emperor* of your own patch of real estate, or, if you are truly ambitious, of the entire continent, complete with coronation ceremony attended by the regional and national press. Short of risking your life or making a complete fool of yourself, you may avail yourself of the many other opportunities for attaining a high profile locally, and possibly on an even larger scale.
Volunteer your services to charitable organizations, or better yet, initiate your own project to help the poor or handicapped, or to teach the educationally disadvantaged to read. Bring artistic and cultural events to your town. Invite the bicycle racing association to schedule an event there. Get the area's artisans together to hold a crafts fair. Bring the carnival to town. Sponsor a "salon" for intellectual discussion. Organize the local painters and sculptors for an exhibition. Start a writers workshop. Even if your motives are not entirely altruistic, and you wish to obtain a bit of recognition for your efforts, you will more than likely be forgiven, if you go about it in a good-humored and tactful way.
Other possibilities include becoming an established authority in your field of expertise, a person invited to write newspaper columns and appear on talk shows. Be it only a hobby or leisure time activity, if you are exceptionally talented or can teach it effectively, you can build your reputation on it.
Far better to be a "celeb", if only a local one, than a faceless figure behind a personal ad. However, it requires more imagination, resourcefulness, and truly, much more daring. These are qualities that all human beings, not just shy ones, should cultivate.
* As it happens, in 1859, a certain Joshua Norton of San Francisco did declare himself Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. Surely, there was no shortage of womenfolk in his interesting life.
"There ain't no cure for the summertime blues", nor is there one for
loneliness. Think "tool", rather than "remedy". Placing or answering a
personal ad will not necessarily make a fundamental difference in your
social life, but it surely can be an interesting ride.
In the personal ad "game", as in chess, the rules are easy to learn, but the strategy is intricate and tricky. Similarly, the results are proportional to the amount and intensity of effort expended, and the level of skill attained is as much a matter of practice as of talent. Like chess, and much of life itself, "playing" the personals should be fun, as well as profitable. If you do it for the prize alone, then you are missing the point.
An ad can, at best, only provide the opportunity to meet partners.
A woman who answers your ad has made no commitment, beyond a willingness
to speak with you once. Taking it
from there, actually establishing a relationship is still a matter of
personal contact, of the interaction between two isolated human beings.
As yet, only words connect you... and words alone cannot bridge the gap,
nor can they touch, nor kiss.