Healing
They robbed you of your birthright. Family and peer group ripped from you at an early age the innocent social adeptness of the young. The bullying and being "cut down to size" that passes for socialization scarred your psyche. The fearful result is that you are not just shy, but painfully shy.
There is a place for shy, introspective persons. It is not a comfortable
one. These are the creative ones, the ones who develop their minds, the
ones who think while others act. They are the ones taken for granted,
their worth unrecognized. They are the ones who cannot get dates...
"The consequences of shyness are deeply troubling. People for whom shyness is an ongoing problem don't take advantage of social situations, date less, are less expressive verbally and nonverbally, and show less interest in other people..."
"The Encyclopedia of Mental Health", Henderson and Zimbardo
Remember the time you could not think of anything to say to the woman sitting across from you in that little cafe. There was a painful lump in your throat, and you stammered when she looked your way. She smiled at you sympathetically, but still, there was no way to reach out to her, to touch her... and you lost yet another chance to make contact.
Remember that party, when you were standing off to one side by yourself, and the other people were stealing brief glances at you over their shoulders, laughing quietly, giggling, some of them. You approached several of the women, but quickly they found excuses to move away. Finally you walked out into the bitter cold night air, only then to realize that your fly was open.
Remember leaving that one dance, and ahead of you, walking home, was the woman you had danced with for hours. She met your eyes, momentarily, nearly smiled (you thought), but kept walking. You could not quite summon up the courage to approach her, to ask if you could at least accompany her to the nearest subway stop. She walked away into the night, and you never saw her again.
A gaping chasm splits off the landscape of the shy and lonely from the rest of humanity. This is the great divide between losers and winners, so we are told. What radical transformation, then, would it require to reshape a shy person into an extroverted, socially adept one? Where would you find the kind savior to rescue you from the prison of your loneliness and tutor you in the social skills needed to escape from the four walls of your own head? Where can you learn to care for, to love another?
Personality change is virtually impossible under ordinary circumstances. Likewise, saviors are in ridiculously short supply (and not so easy to recognize when they are found). What shapes your fate is your own perceptions, your old ingrained habits of fear and failure. Others sense how you feel about yourself and mirror your self-image back at you. Face yourself, know thyself, and take your life into your own hands. Become a stronger person and depend no more on fortuitous happenstance, on wishing and hoping.
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston Churchill
Only the bridge of self-acceptance and understanding traverses the
narrow passage to our fellow humans. We shy people must of necessity
become our own rescuers, teachers and saviors. Yet, if the tools for
self-transformation exist, they are difficult to use. Social skills can
be learned, as a rule slowly and sometimes painfully, but loneliness is
a powerful motivator.
...less than ten percent of communication comes from the words that
are said. The majority of the message comes from nonverbal cues, like
gestures, facial expressions and tone-of-voice. Individuals who do
not understand or use nonverbal communication appropriately are at a
disadvantage in social situations.
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The useful social skills are but subtle elaborations of what we already
know and do, yet of a somewhat higher order. Obvious examples include
listening, picking up on nonverbal cues, and having a sense of the
other individual's personal space. Then on to group interactions,
such as speaking for an audience (notably the not-so-lowly art of telling jokes). Finally, the high arts
- being able to start a conversation with a total stranger, knowing
when to wait and when to act (timing is everything), effectively
being able to express yourself in person or in writing, and dancing.
If there are too few men to go around, why then haven't hordes of partner-hungry women been camping on your doorstep? Maybe they don't know your address, but more likely it would seem to be a matter of "quality", not quantity. Most women will not settle for just any man, but insist on one who meets their personal minimum standards, and those standards are all too often strongly influenced by pop culture ideals of physical appearance, masculinity, and success. Women mainly seek men who have proven themselves by amassing money, possessions, and... the admiration of other women. Shy, lonely men need not apply. How, then, do you join the ranks of these "desirable" men?
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Self-confidence grows as you discover your strengths and learn to accept your weaknesses. It is not a quality that can be ripped out of the context of personal growth, that can be distilled to a simple formula, that can be indoctrinated by repetition of mantras, that can be applied as a veneer to cover up inner doubts and fears. It radiates from within, as a consequence of clarity of purpose and sheer force of will.
Unlike most people, those who sleepwalk their way through life, the
ones to whom self-confidence was spoon-fed as part of the socialization
process, you stand out as "weak" and unsure of yourself. Of course, those
others are self-confident, they belong to a family, a group, a social
circle that nurtures and reinforces their belief in themselves. But it is
not rooted deeply within their own self, and there is no steel beneath
the surface. Their character lacks the fire-hardening of adversity,
and is all the more vulnerable and fragile for it. It requires only one
sharp blow, one misfortune or bump to disrupt their 'sense of place',
their self-confidence, their fundamental identity.
Finally, take pride that you had the resolve to continue living and
relating to the persons who witnessed your humiliating pratfall. For all
the things you did wrong, there were isolated moments of defiant
resistance that ennobled and gave meaning to your abject misery.
What areas in your own life lack structure? Does your daily routine have a
purpose, or are you just "running on autopilot"? What changes could you
make to give your life more 'solidity', a greater sense of order?