A:
A combination of strategies works best for most men. Go ahead and place
ads, but by all means avail yourself of the other opportunities as well.
You'll soon find what works best for you and in which social settings
you are most comfortable.
Q:
Does all of this mean that getting a girlfriend is hard work?
A:
Just so. Finding a woman requires planning, determination, and sheer effort.
Think of it as a full-time job.
Q:
When I go to a dance or a party along with friends, I'm much
less fearful and nervous, but it sure does complicate the business of
meeting women. Is there any help for this?
A:
As comforting as it may be to have your good buddies at your side, they
become a major liability when you want to approach a woman. Go out with
your friends to have a good time, but venture forth alone to meet women.
Q:
I'm a mess. Why would any woman want to bother with me?
A: If you enjoy wallowing in self-pity, you are hardly fit for a relationship. People sense your inner pain, your feelings of worthlessness, and for the most part find it distressing, even repellent. When you're finally ready to pull yourself together, then you can take measures to remedy your situation, and your state of mind will improve dramatically.
Rest assured that there are all too many women who feel as badly about
themselves as you do. Perhaps when you have gained some skill at
solving your own problems, you can use your expertise to help one of
these unfortunates.
Q:
I think I'm a pretty good guy, and my friends tell me I'd be an ideal
'catch' for any woman. So why do I have so much trouble getting a date?
A:
You may be looking in the wrong places. It sounds as if the women in
your immediate surroundings might not be particularly suitable for
you. Perhaps they are too young for you, too superficial, or just on a
different "wavelength". A more mature woman, one with some depth and life
experience, would more likely appreciate what you have to offer. Consider,
then, being a bit more flexible in your selection criteria. Give priority
to personality and mutual compatibility, rather than how good she would
look on your arm.
Q:
How do I get the phone number of a woman I'd like to know better?
A: Of course, there is always the telephone book, but the point is to get her to voluntarily give you her number. She needs to get to know you well enough to develop the level of trust necessary for her to feel comfortable giving you an entry into her life.
In the earliest stages of a hoped-for relationship, you can only be
friendly, kind, supportive, and, most important, trustworthy. Don't
push her for her phone number or, for that matter, any other personal
information until she indicates that she is ready. When she wants to
know more about you, then she will be more than willing to share
details about herself.
Q:
How do I get women to call me (I'm too shy to make the first call myself)?
A: This problem reduces to three subtasks.
A:
At this point, you can't. Asking her straight out about her
feelings would be premature. "Testing" her, or playing "mind games"
would surely offend her and ruin any chances you might have. Be patient,
and let things develop at their own speed.
Q:
I have known a certain woman for quite some time now, and we are very good
friends. We can talk about almost everything and have shared fun times
and much laughter. At this point, I would like us to become more than just
friends. I want to get much closer to her. What's the best strategy?
A:
Don't press the issue. If she ever becomes interested in you in a
romantic sense, she'll definitely let you know it. Due to the dynamics
of the situation, you absolutely should wait for her to make the first
move toward greater intimacy. What you can do is make yourself just
a bit less available to her. She may or may not take the hint, but in
any case there is no need to let your impatience or impulsiveness spoil
a beautiful friendship.
Q:
Should I bring my date flowers?
A:
It's considered "old fashioned" to show up at her door with a bouquet
of flowers, but it could easily earn you a warm kiss, or at the very
least a radiant smile. Little courtesies such as this show respect and
give her something to remember you by the morning after.
Q:
This is only the second date, and I'm just getting to know the woman,
when she hits me with all these personal questions like how I
feel about marriage and children, what plans I've made for my career,
and whether I believe in commitment. What's the deal?
A:
So, subtlety is not her "strong suit". Could you live with that?
Obviously, she has some feelings for you (or designs on you) already, or
she would not have taken the risk of asking personal questions. You can
consider it an intrusion or a compliment, as you choose. Consider, also,
that she has given you an opening to ask personal questions about her.
Q:
At what point in the relationship do we hold hands? When are we
expected to kiss?
A:
When she's ready. Usually, by the second or third (or sometimes
twentieth) date, if she likes you more than a little, if she is starting
to get the "warm fuzzies" for you, then touching and physical displays
of affection come about spontaneously, without planning or forethought.
Q:
Is it all right to share the costs of a date, to "go dutch"?
A:
You can confidently expect to pay for the first couple of dates. After
that, the payment arrangements may be worked out by consensus.
Q:
I just "invested" $60 taking this woman out to a show and treating
her to a dinner in an upscale restaurant. I think I'm entitled to be
treated nicely afterward, in fact, I insist on it.
A:
No. You are entitled to exactly nothing. Dating is a craps shoot
at best, and a woman, any woman, always has the right to say no
at any point in a relationship. Insisting on your "prerogatives" could
get you slapped with a rape charge, which you would, in fact, richly deserve.
Q:
I'm not the classic macho type that women reputedly respond to.
Would I attract more women if I learned the moves and 'faked it'?
A: Do you look forward to 'faking it', to acting out a role for the rest of your life? How would you feel if a woman actually did fall in love with your masquerade, your false front, rather than with the real person inside you?
This is a variant on the age-old question of why many women seem to prefer
"heels" to "nice" guys. That particular issue is dealt with in more detail
in The Romantic Predator sidebar and elsewhere.
Q:
How will I know she's the right one for me?
A:
You might just as well ask, "How will she know you're the right
one for her?". A relationship is a partnership, and if things "click",
you'll both know it (though not necessarily at the same time). Be patient,
sometimes it takes months or even years to get to that point.
Q:
The woman I've been going with can't seem to decide between me and
another guy. What can I do to become the sole object of her affections?
A:
Drop her like a hot potato.
Q:
Just what do women want (in a relationship)?
A:
While it's dangerous to generalize, some women have unrealistic, even
fantasy-based expectations of what a relationship should be. On the
one hand, they dream of a strong, dominant man who will "sweep them off
their feet", and yet they want, they crave a warm, sensitive, caring
lover who fulfills their emotional needs. To call this a contradiction
is something of an understatement.
Q:
Are men and women truly all that different?
A:
There are subtle, yet profound differences in the way men and women think.
Consider, for example, that women are emotional in certain areas where
men are logical, and vice versa. This leads to misunderstandings,
and worse, yet it is certainly possible to bridge the communications
gap with enough patience, and yes, love.
Q:
I'm a complete "klutz" when it comes to relating to people. If I study the
advice in this book and work hard at becoming more "social", at what point
will I be ready to form relationships with women?
A:
If you take to heart the lessons of HOW-2 Meet Women, and of life,
and gradually learn social skills - then at some point you will pass
an almost imperceptible dividing line or threshold. Relating to people
in general, and to women in particular will become almost intuitive,
if still tricky at times. It is a long and difficult road to follow,
and may well require more patience and determination than you think you
are capable of. If you are truly serious about it, though, you will make
it your life's work.