A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO PARTY ---------------------------- by Phreak + DEF KLF / MAD VISION If for some reason the idea of going to the next "TRANS-UNION party" strikes horror into your very sole then fear not, this article is written especially for you. Sometimes making the right impression at one of these events can change the way you are treated in the scene,and for a first-timer this can be a bit daunting.In the following article there are some invaluable tips on making the most of a party. ]-1- PREPARATION For the un-initiated,preparation simply means making sure you have 200+ disks with you and enough cash to get plaste- red. This is mainly true but there is much mor e to it than that. To become well versed in the latest activities of the scene you will have to spend the months leading up to the party viewing every production of the groups you believe will be there. Dressing for the party is also an important factor but that depends on who you to be mistaken for ( coder , musician , Gfx artist or Swapper ) so this will be covered later. Lastly decide whether or not you are going to take your ST cardboard boxes with you.You needn't actually take your ST with you but showing up at the door carrying piles of boxes always create a favourable impression. WELL DONE ! You have arrived ! But now that you're actually here , what do you do next ?... ]-2- SURVEILLANCE Which means basically finding out who is actually here.It's quite fashionable to show up hours later than the starting time of the party so don't be at all dismayed to find you are the only one there.However if someone asks you if " you want french fries with that ? " then this means you're in a burger bar.Try and find the party place again. Once there,make a quick lap of the room making a mental note of which groups are where.If you have brought anything with you that you don't want stolen then place it with the group of compu- ters playing the chorus of Fast copy 3 tones, (nobody ever goes near them...) ]-3- SPOT THE COMPUTER FREAKS ! Sometimes it is quite difficult to decide whether someone is an important well-known coder or just a lamer pretending to be an important well- known coder.Being able to spot which is which stops you from talking to comple- te arseholes. [ -A- CODERS Usually the only people sitting quietly slaving over a hot Devpac. One of the easiest ways to locate a Coder is to wait until the power fails and then follow the screams and profuse swearing as their hard earned code goes for the third time today. (It doesn't work with Swedish coders who stay always quiet.) ] Dress sense: This is again of the easiest ways of spoting a Coder.As most Coders spend days on end perfectly one- frame fractal animation they seem to loose interest in dress sense. Simply look for the fashions of about 2 years ago. Some of the older and more elite Coders are hard to locate as the clothes they still wear are suddenly quite fashionable again. ] Lame impersonations: Most Coders won't tell you who they are for the simple reason they don't want to have to explain 3D line routines to the likes of you! Anybody who tells you they are a coder isn't worthing talking to. Look out for people waiting with Decpac on displaying anything under 300 lines of code. Feeble... [ -B- MUSICIANS For the deaf,locating a musician can be a bit of a problem. The better tune being played , more likely the Twat playing it ripped it. Thankfully due to the nature of their profession , Musicians spend a lot of time exploring Clubs & Discos which is turn affects their... ]DRESS SENSE: Usually always wearing this months fashion helps to pin-point a Musician in a crowd.But some can be dirty heavy metal freaks. Some may have the biggest fuck-off synth you've ever seen and have it midi-linked to his ST. ]LAME IMPERSONATIONS: Anyone claiming to be a musician and while viewing the lastest Thalion game ACTUALLY paying more interest in what is the monitor is an Imposter ! [ -C- GFX ARTISTS The easiest way to find a true GFX man at work is to find a crowd of nobodies happily crowded round a guy with NeoPro cheerfully watching the tedious process of creating something. You will find that almost everybody is in awe of the fucking boring creation process! A true GFX artist will be able to keep the audience captived while idly doodling circles. ]DRESS SENSE: A GFX ARTIST medium means that extreme visual imagery influences his dress sense.Hence most GFX artists wear severly customised leather jackets (Heavy metal groups emblems everywhere) have incredibly long hair and look into space when talking to you. It can also be a Hip Hop freak wearing a cap with his fave band logo,and many stickers on his monitor. ]LAME IMPERSONATIONS: You may be astounded by the piece of work currently being displayed on the monitor of a GFX artist but by simply looking down the side of his ST and spotting an ULTIMATE RIPPER cartridge will tell you to laugh and walk away. [ -D- SWAPPERS: Probably the easiest of the lot to find as these guys spend all day copying countless disks every day , the last thing they want to do here is sit using Fastcopy.Therefore,the more elite SWAP- PERS will be pissed senseless at the Bar.As they are taking the day off, you will find most people will be coming to them with things for them to spread. It is a lame swapper who spends the day running about for things.Another tip if you find all the swappers at their machines is to watch them exchanging disks. The more talented of them will have perfected this movement down to a fine art.There is even talk of introdu- cing a Freestlyle Disk Swapping compe- tition of future parties solely for swappers to enter... ] DRESS SENSE: Unlike the other three categories , Swappers have no major hangs-up about their jobs in the scene and so they lead perfect normal lives outside the scene.(Of course Freddy and other piece of shit exist).This,in turn affects the way they dress, making it almost impossible to distinguish a swapper from everybody else. ] LAME IMPERSONATIONS: Every lame Swap- pers has the ungodly fear that they are a waste of space in the Amiga scene(and it is true , of course ) . This phobia causes them to brag extensively about who the know(who they have heard of!) , and which groups they swap with(knowing full well that you coudn't give a toss) Any Swapper who spends all this time talking in this manner and discussing the incredible details of disk copying should be shot ! Yep ! and also.... [ -E- CRACKERS They are not very numerous in the C.P. fearing the police and lynching from all his enemies. They are never alone but with their friends protecting them from the aggressions of the kiddies asking "How do you single file games ?" Crackers know all the latest gossips and know everybody but don't want to talk to you,anyway he most the time can only be understood by his real friends using lot of personal expressions. [ -F- LAME LAMERS The type of people who have absolutely nothing to do with the scene.He usually doesn't even own an Atari. [ -G- FEMALES Do not mistake one for actually being in the scene and trying to strike a fruitful conversation with.Usually, the female in question is a very tall and strong persons girl-friend and would be generally unhappy with your interferen- ce.Check the Females facial expression before you consider apporaching if she looks incredibly bored - Avoid ! [ -H- BAR STAFF Not really important.Their only job is to pick up glasses and to severly over- charge you for the price of a drink. Do not aggravate , they tend to throw you out ! [ -I- POLICE If you can actually see one of these at the party then it is too late , just quickly dump all your disks into some- ones bag and feign death. It doesn't usually work but still woth a try. [ -J- SOMEBODY YOU DON'T LIKE There is usually always one at the party that really pisses you off. The worst thing about it is that they don't know that you FUCKING HATE THEM & then come over and FUCKING TALK TO YOU ! The best solution is to find them 1st, kick the shit out of them then blame it on alcohol at a later date. This generally gets the message over I find. [ -4- BODY LANGUAGE By identifying the appropriate groups of people you should be able to talk to the right guys. This is where body- language comes in. The way of being able to tell what somebody is thinking & feeling by the way they are reacting to your presence... - HE PUTS HIS HAND OVER HIS MOUTH WHEN TALKING. He is lying when he tells you he has heard of you. -HE LAUGHS ALOUD WHEN YOU MENTION YOUR DEMO. Good ! Some recognition at last ! -HE CALLS TO A MATE OF HIS IN THE CROWD A cheap and obvious attempt to get rid of you,ignore. -HE STARTS TO EXPLAIN ONE FRAME FRACTAL ANIMATION. You're pushing you luck here mate ! -HE TELLS YOU TO:"FUCK OFF!" Yet another cheap attempt to get rid of you,stick with it. - HE IS REPEATEDLY MASSAGING YOUR FACE WITH HIS FIST Maybe I was wrong about this.Leace now. - HE IS WIRING YOUR BALLS TO THE MAINS I warned you,leave now,he is getting a tad upset! -HE REMOVES YOU INTERNAL ORGANS Well thats it,you've blown it now ! [ -5- BACK AT HOME If you're still alive after the party you must take several aspirins because of your headache. If you are still hearing Mad Max muzak in your quiet bedroom,that's normal. If you want to increase your group's production to show to all those arrogant guys who you really are. Sleep a bit,and think about it later. If some of your disks are missing phone to ZULL or FUTURE MINDS they might got it.