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(and his menial assistant, Kevin)
The same exciting day in Ditchwater City. A masked figure in a lycra body-
suit and cape crosses the street at the corner of Boredom Boulevard and
Angst Avenue, closely followed by it's menial assistant, Kevin. The figure
steps up onto the sidewalk and, stopping in front of a large building on the
corner, reads the sign on it's side.
Captain Prat> "Doctor Baaad's Secret Hideout". How could we have missed
it?
Kevin> Search me...
Captain Prat> Why, do you have any concealed weaponry?
Kevin> Well, of course I do, I'm the sidekick of a famous superantihero,
what would happen to my cred if I didn't have any concealed
weaponry?
Captain Prat> Sorry, forgot. Now that you come to mention it, what exactly
have you got in the way of concealed weaponry?
Kevin> Uhh... I've got a WaterBlaster™.
Captain Prat> That's not weaponry! Good grief, give me it. Honestly, what
use is this? I mean... right, watch that little kid over there...
Kevin> No! Don't!
Captain Prat> Okay, I'll just squirt this phone booth here. Hey, this
isn't water, what is it?
As Captain Prat pulls the trigger, Kevin covers his face and screams an
answer to CP's question...
Kevin> NAPALM!!!Walking over to the smouldering remains of the phone booth, he picks up what's left of the handset.
Captain Prat> Operator? Yes, I think you'd better send a maintenance crew
out to this box, it needs some... err, "attention". Thank you so
much. Goodbye.
Putting the phone down, the General of Geek ploughs a gloved and guilty hand
across his furrowed brow. Kevin looks around and then places a consoling
hand on CP's shoulder.
Kevin> Well, at least you didn't squirt the kid.Kevin reclaims his napalm-filled WaterBlaster&trade, and leads a partially disorientated Captain Prat by the hand into Doctor Baaad's Secret Hideout. Approaching the small reception desk, they try not to notice the barely suppressed giggles of the receptionist behind it.Captain Prat> Yes... Anyway, let's go.
Receptionist> Hello, welcome to Doctor Baaad's Secret Hideout, how may I
help you?
Captain Prat> Hello, we'd like to speak to Doctor Baaad, if that's at all
possible.
Receptionist> Why certainly, he's right here...
Pulling off his receptionist face-mask, Doctor Baaad snatches up a sawn-off
shotgun from behind the desk.
Dr Baaad> Right, hands up! And don't make a sound. WILBUR! Fetch the
sauerkraut!!!
Kevin and CP> NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, in a television studio in uptown Ditchwater, a newsreader
shuffles her papers anxiously.
Susan> Hello, I'm Susan Anchor, and you're tuned to Ditchwater News. And
the headlines again: Police still haven't a scooby who is
responsible for the thermonuclear explosion, but are investigating
possible links with a napalm-attack on a phone booth on Boredom
Boulevard, in which no-one was hurt. And coming up after the break,
we have an essential guide to post-nuclear holocaust gourmet
cookery, and will be asking the question "How long should we leave
food outside to ensure it's properly cooked?"
The light on the camera goes out, and everyone in the studio relaxes. The
floor manager takes out his hip-flask and passes it round, while the
weather-girl hurries off with the foreign correspondent in search of a
closet. Break over, patting her hair back into place and stubbing out her
cigarette behind the desk, Susan launches straight back into paper-shuffling
mode.
Susan> Welcome back. Before our cookery guide, this story just breaking:
superanithero and manic self-satirist Captain Prat was reported to
be seen at the scene of the napalm-assault on the phone-booth on the
corner of Boredom and Angst. Sources close Captain Prat suggest that
he may have a lead in his investigation into the thermonuclear
explosion in the park yesterday, although the self-confessed sad git
has not been seen since. The source reports that she is very
worried, he hasn't been home since this morning, and he still hasn't
made his bed. But now, over to Floyd Grossman for our cookery
special...
Back in the dark, damp, dank (whatever that means), sinister recesses of
Doctor Baaad's Secret Hideout (a place so foul and hideous that it was only
awarded three stars by the RAC and two by the AA), our intrepid twosome had
had all they could take.
Kevin> No more sauerkraut, please! I'll be sick! I'm warning you, and it
won't be pretty.
Dr Baaad> Be sick if you like, but that'll only mean you'll have to
eat it again.
Captain Prat> You fiend! You'll never get away with this! I'll have you
hung, drawn and quartered! In fact, I'll have you badly hung, badly
drawn, and I'll get Jules Gibbons to do your voice in the animated
television adaptation.
Dr Baaad> You can't do that.
Captain Prat> I'm the hero, watch me!
Dr Baaad> No, I mean you can't. You're not getting out of here alive,
and with no Captain Prat, there will be no animated television
adaption.
Kevin> I get it now, it's, like, pickled cabbage!
Captain Prat> Well, they seem to be out of sauerkraut anyway, look, all
they've got left is coleslaw.
Kevin> That's not coleslaw, that's sauerkraut. Or at least it was before I
ate it.
Dr Baaad> Enough! Now, I must phone the TV station, and announce your
fate to the city.
Susan stares in disbelief at the face on the screen in front of her, and
asks it a tentative question.
Susan> So... how does it feel to have annihilated three hundred and fifty
three innocent bystanders, five musicians, two trumpets, a tuba, an
oompah and a saxophone, halfway through an Oasis song?
Dr Baaad> Pretty good, actually, thanks for asking. Although what you
have to remember is that it was actually the tuba player who
detonated the device. But it was, nonetheless, such an amazing rush
of power, yeah.
Susan> Well, I understand you have some information for us regarding
Captain Prat?
Dr Baaad> Yes, observe and weep!
Swivelling his camera round, Dr Baaad broadcasts a scene of utter
devestation.
Susan> Sauerkraut! Are you crazy?Putting the videophone down, Dr Baaad turns to Captain Prat and grins. In the studio, Susan picks up the videophone again.Dr Baaad> Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Why, no, what gives you that idea?
Susan> Well, thankyou, Doctor Baaad, and before you go, do you have any handy sewing tips?
Dr Baaad> Yes, use a curved needle, it's so much easier to work with, although it does hurt the victim slightly less.
Susan> Well, that's all we have time for just now. From me, Susan Anchor, and our special guest Doctor Baaad, good-night.
Susan> Operator, trace that call!Instead, she dials 1471.Phone> Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Susan> Ah, yes. Ahem.
Later, back in in Doctor Baaad's Secret Hideout...
Doctor Baaad> Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!Making an impressive entrance, armed with a flame-thrower and a collection of vicious-looking smiles, Susan Anchor revels in her moment of glory.Kevin> Will you quit that laughing? I'm getting a headache.
Doctor Baaad> Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-ha-ha!!!!
Wilbur> Ha-hah-hee-HAAAH!
Captain Prat> Look, I'm telling you, it is not physically possible to force-feed someone so much sauerkraut that they explode.
Doctor Baaad> Ha-ha-...
Captain Prat> What? what's funny? Wh... oh. I seem to have accidentally activated my concealed laughing gas canister.
Kevin> So why aren't we affected?
Captain Prat> Well, given that we've just eaten twice as much sauerkraut as Germany consumes in a whole year, I'd say it's something to do with the sauerkraut.
Kevin> Well, how do we get out of here? We're still tied up.
Susan> Hi, you're tuned to Ditchwater Death Squad, my name's Susan Anchor,
I hope you'll stay with us for twenty minutes of torture and terror.
Dr Baaad> Ha-ha-ha! Wilbur, get the Baaadcopter ready for flight! Hah!
Susan> Get back here, you son of a...
Susan let's fly with her flame-thrower, drowning her screams, and engulfing
most of Doctor Baaad's Secret Hideout in flames, thanks mainly to the high
oxygen content of the air caused by the laughing gas. (ask a chemist, or a
biker)
Dr Baaad> Hah! You should have done a bit more research! Lycra has
been, for the last three years, completely flame-proof! Ha-ha!
Clutching to a rope ladder dangling from above, Doctor Baaad is hoisted
aloft, as the drone of the Baaadcopter increases.
Kevin> What happened to the ceiling?Captain Prat> It seems to have been on some sort of hydraulic ram. Useful for escaping in a helicopter from a deranged newscaster. Most people are getting them fitted these days. Well, thanks for rescuing us, miss Anchor. Anyhting we can do to repay you, just ask.
Susan> How about an exclusive interview? Ha-ha-ha-hah!
Written by: Colin McEwan
Camera: Nikon
Captain Prat's
outfits by: Mr Motivator™
Baaadcopter pilot: Mike Smith
Stunt Doubles: Xerox
Editor: Zap
Graphics: Colin McEwan's Amazing Character-Matching
Algorithm
Directed by: The Hand of Fate
Produced by: A hard disc crash, coupled with a freak
power surge.
From an original life lived by Colin McEwan
Soundtrack available on 4 entirely different records/
tapes/CDs from your local mainstream music outlet.
... ...
