The human sat in IRC, minding his own business, chatting idly, and generally pretending he was harmless. Someone must not have been fooled by his act, because suddenly an all-too-recognizable vixen poked her head in through the open channel door, cackled, and threw in a radio, which joyously blared the theme song of the Great Purple Menace.
"AAAAAAAAGH!!!"
The VR headset's automatic cutoffs failed, and Adrian was thrown backwards as the terminal in front of him exploded with a flash of vaporized circuitry and a spark of sickly magenta lightning.
* * *
Adrian opened his eyes. He could feel bandages on various parts of his body, and his backside was telling him that at some point, he'd been moved onto the futon.
"Are you okay?"
Adrian shook his head and tried to focus on the face above him. "No, Adrianne, I'm not... And Kalindra won't be, either, when I'm through with her..." He took his sister's offered arm and levered himself into a sitting position.
The femHuman grinned, "Kalindra? Go talk to Talahran, he was just on one of the terminals that wasn't damaged by the blast talking with her. At least I think he was talking... He had the most _interesting_ look on his face when he logged off."
"Good idea, I'll have a chat with him right away..." Adrian tried to stand up and toppled forward face-down onto the floor. "Shit..."
"Here," said Adrianne, passing him a pair of crutches that had been leaning on the wall, "use these."
Slowly, Adrian made his way down the hall to the room Tal and Kath lived in. He paused as he passed Ebony's door, and listened. Even through the fairly substantial soundproofing, he could hear what sounded like the Indy 500 running through a zoo's big cats section, all of them screaming. He put his hand on the doorknob, then stopped. The token brain cell or two that he had for common sense were screaming their neurotransmiters off, warning him that maybe it wasn't the best idea to go in there just now...
With a shrug, he hobbled the rest of the way down the hall and knocked on Talahran's door.
Kathalla answered. "Oh... It's you." She opened the door the rest of the way, sighing, "C'mon in, I guess..."
[Author's note: Surprised? You didn't think she spent _all_ her time tying people up or trying to kill them (or both), did you?]
Walking (or hobling) into the room was like entering another world. The walls were leather stretched tight over wooden frames and nailed together, except for the one with the door which looked like the face of an enormous tree trunk. Outside a couple of bead-curtained windows, Adrian saw a dense forest with an occasional patch of green sky peeking through.
Talahran was sitting at an intricately carved wooden desk, playing with something on his Velan-style portable computer. He looked up as Adrian entered, and quickly hit a button that cleared the screen. "What's up?" he asked. "You're looking better... At least you're not bleeding all over everything anymore."
"Kalindra must suffer. My sister said you might know something that would help towards that goal. What was that you were just working on, anyway?"
Talahran blushed a little, "Um, just cataloging some history..."
Kathalla snickered.
Adrian winced as a clue struck his abused skull. "I'm missing something here, aren't I? History?"
"Oh, nothing you'd be interes--"
Kath interupted him, "The 'history' happens to be several rather... interesting... pictures of Pelzette, Unipuma, and... Kalindra."
Adrian thought for a moment while Tal gave his mate an acusing look. "Nope, can't use 'em." Kathalla started to protest, but he continued, "Yes, I know you probably want to send them to her mate, but haven't you learned _anything_ about Brian? He's enjoy the hell out of pictures like that! Enjoyment isn't quite what I had in mind for that family..."
The floor shook slightly as whatever was going on in Ebony's room shifted gears.
"What _is_ that?!?" asked Adrian.
Talahran blushed seriously deep this time, "Ah... It's something NetFennec left in the channel last night, I gave it to Ebony..."
"And?"
"Well, you see... It's... It's sort of like a chainsaw... But it isn't."
Kathalla just layed on the bed and laughed.
"Let me guess," ventured the human, "It's something like that toy in the Miss Spooge series of Winger's stuff?"
Talahran gulped, "Sort of... but bigger."
"How mu-- Never mind." Adrian prudently shut up.
Kathalla kept howling with laughter as he turned about and hobbled out of the room.
Adrian stopped by one of the working terminals and posted a general message, "COUNCIL OF WAR: All family members with any magical ability, or just an evil mind, required to attend. Main room, 9pm tonight."
'Heh,' he thought, 'that includes just about everyone but Kitara, and I'm not so sure about her...' Shutting off the terminal, Adrian hobbled back to the futon to recover for a few more hours before the fun began.
* * *
"No, no, NO! That wouldn't work against a pair of ArchMages!" protested Spot.
"Um, Spot? They both retired, and while they're still Mages, their powers are greatly reduced..." said Len.
Ebony raised a paw. "I still like the honey idea!" she said, for the fifth time.
Adrian made a note on his clipboard, "We'll use it, Ebony, but only in addition to everything else. The classics are always worth repeating. One condition, though, _please_ stop saying that!"
"Okay!" piped Ebony, in the cheerful voice of the eternally clueless.
There was a general rumble of thanks from the crowd, then all hell got back from its brief vacation and broke loose again.
"Water balloon flourescent dye bombs!"
"Sell those pictures to Penthouse!"
"Gate in a year's suply of NewYork smog!"
"Lemon pie!" shouted Kitara.
All eyes turned to the lioness cub who'd entered the room.
"Kitara," said Len, "Do you have _any_ idea how much Kalindra likes those?"
"Yes," the little girl said, giggling, "which is why it'll be so much fun if they teleport a few feet away every time she tries to grab them..."
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then Talahran spoke up, "Kitty, you are _evil_!!! I love it!"
Adrian grinned and wrote down the idea in _big_ letters while everyone cheered. Spot and Len went over to a corner to consult a recipe book and Uncle Freyhla while the others kept planning.
"How about we play with her gender?" suggested Rose. "I know she's toyed with being a hermaphrodite..." She giggled wickedly. "But how about a switch to androgyne?"
"That'd be going a little to far..." mused Talahran. "Both she and Brian would be naturally obligated to hunt down and execute all of us, were we to try something of that sort."
There was a general rumble of agreement.
"How about we just eat them?" said Zalth.
Adrianne raised her hand, "My turn, guys." She pulled a small pistol out of her skirt pocket and burned a hole through Zalth's head.
"Okay, here's another idea..." proposed Rose. "Spot's Rune-M&M's. As long as we don't include any green ones, so Nutsy doesn't get dragged into this unnecesarily, it should work."
Adrian made a note.
Kathalla spoke next, "I could add a directional amplification matrix to the stonework of their house..."
Eyes of several species blinked back at her in confusion.
"Think of it this way... The first time either of them 'paths something to the other, it's picked up and bounced back at them, amplified, from all directions, along with just enough random detuning from imperfections in the stone to make it sound like the Off Key Choir(tm)."
Everyone nodded, grinning, and the human made another note on his clipboard.
* * *
It was three AM... Finally, after much discussion, the members of the Family nas Van concluded their meeting, and broke up into teams to implement plans diverse and cruel...