╖ My parents taught me that if I work hard enough, I can make my dreams come true, even the one where I'm driving down the freeway and I look around and notice that all of the other cars are being driven by dogs with hats on.

An average American has a vocabulary of 10,000 words; but I have 10,002, because I just made up "pfitz-kokkie" and "sheents."

The hills of Austria were alive with the sound of music, and boy, my gut was alive with the sound of digesting Vienna sausages

I must have stood alone on Pennsylvania Avenue holding that sign for at least three hours before some kind passer-by informed me that the "Million Moron March on Washington" was the previous Friday. Boy, did I feel stupid.

When I'm going out with someone for the first time, I always ask right up front: "If we spend some intimate moments together later, which would disturb you more: If I suddenly broke out in show tunes or if I suddenly broke out in a rash?" That usually puts her right at ease.

Fred Spiegel. I remembered his name, because when I met him at the party I used his name three times in the conversation; I read somewhere that if you do that, it imprints the new name on your long-term memory. And Fred remembered that I'm someone not to be trifled with, because I beat him senseless with the trifle bowl.

Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over the guests. I think all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers

Who can forget the delightful tale we all heard as youngsters, the one that goes: "Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! And if you trail me at my feet, I'll gun you down like a dog in the street!"

I believe that it was Neitsche who said: "That which does not kill us gives us an abominable case of diarrhea."

Well, it's pretty discouraging that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, but if the hand-basket is being carried by a little girl with a pink ribbon in her curly blonde hair, then that's cute.

Give me more!