10. INT. OFFICE - MID-AFTERNOON JUST AFTER TEA AND CRUMPETS

A SHADOWY FIGURE and FRANCHISE BOY sit in office chairs, FINISHING THEIR CRUMPETS.

FRANCHISE BOY Jolly good crumpets, eh, P.G.?

SHADOWY FIGURE
(glares) Your Eric Idle impersonation needs work.

MARKETING TSAR So, you've read over the proposal?

SHADOWY FIGURE

Proposal?  What's that for?

MARKETING TSAR

The Shadowy Burger (TM); The Franchise-Mobile (SM); Count Continuity Action Figure With Kung Fu Spatula Grip (BDSM); Phantom Grimace Punching Bag (ATM); and don't forget the TV Movie starring David Hasselhoff (TGIF).

SHADOWY FIGURE What?  I don't understand.

MARKETING TSAR

Your sidekick sold the merchandising rights to your adventures, P.G.  Did he not explain what the contract was you signed?

SHADOWY FIGURE
(very confused)

I thought it was the bill for the tea and crumpets.

MARKETING TSAR

Hasselhoff (PDQ) wants to know if he can reuse the Nick Fury eyepatch.  What do you think?

Last uploaded: January 10, 1999

More Curious Phenomena That Beggars Description

Hello everyone.  Welcome back to our humble adobe, where we do our best to bring you the finest cinematic arrogance that money can't buy.  That's right.  It's the Widgeman back on the mic, coming to you live from the halls of Corona where I'm mopping furiously hoping I can get back to the Sleep Deprivation Institute in time for a game of full contact canasta.  But for now, we shall go right to the heart of the matter, and that is this:

I've only seen this once, but they had a segment of "Entertainment Tonight" on before a movie at the local cinema.  They called it "ET On Screen."  Now I've already resigned myself to the twenty minutes of bullshit that theater chains are playing in front of their movies these days.  Two commercials for TV shows, the 10 minute Sony commercial, the stupid "Coca-Cola Depressing Filmmakers" bit or the "I'm So Unfunny I Couldn't Even Get a Sitcom on UPN" Concession Stand Up bit.  But this thing was scary.  I didn't mind all the interesting newsbits, but the woman they had co-hosting it...wow.  She had more eye makeup on than I've ever seen.  And it was yellowish orange too, all the way up to her eyebrows.  I mean, she could blink and signal ships at sea.  Do you know what I'm saying?  I mean, they had to bring in lighting specialist to keep the rest of the crew from being flash fried if she turned her head at a weird angle.  Do you get my point?  I mean...wow.  Frightening stuff.

For those of you wondering why the column is late this week, I was a bit under the weather.  My doctor said it was something having to do with oyster crackers.  I don't get it.  Anyway, once I started sleeping in a coffin lined with the soil of my motherland, everything was fine.  But thanks for the notes of encouragement and even the five of you who sent in those inspiring "Get off your lazy ass we don't care if you're coughing up blood" messages.  Roc, one of the head burritos here at Corona, only sent two of those, for the record.

And a special thank you goes out to Panos, for reminding me of an award I forgot.  So belatedly I present

The Best Use of Burlap and/or Leather in a Futuristic Film Award.  This award goes to the film that tries to convince the audience that in the far flung future, leather and old potato sacks will be the extent of fashion.  This year it's a tie, going to both Soldier and Star Trek: Insurrection.  Last year's winner was, of course, The Postman.  Thanks again to Panos for setting me straight.

Now, another one of those annoying lists, so at the end of this year I'll have something to bitch about...

Formally known as The Top 10 Films Widge Looks Forward To in 1999, after the debacle with Deep Impact and others, I've decided to be even more pessimistic than usual.  That way, I can say good things now, and when they come out and bite the big one, I can try to temper my bitterness since I was prepared for the crash and burn.  Will it work?  Well, what do you think?

Of course we're going to have the Muppets in here.  They're the Muppets, for crying out loud.  You can't go wrong with a Muppet movie.  Okay, well, maybe if Jan de Bont or Schumacher directed it, but no danger of that, so calm down.

Forget Warner Brothers and their cheesy, badly-drawn, Disney-fied version of The King and I.  Instead, go live action with Jodie Foster and Chow Yun Fat in the title role.  Jodie's wonderful in anything, but teeming her with Chow Yun Fat?  That's brilliant.  The question is: can Chow speaksing better than Rex Harrison?  I think next we should have Jackie Chan star in My Fair Lady!   Are you with me?

An art house Bruce Willis movie where he's taking the driver's seat and making it all happen?  Small budget with actors working for scale for the good of the end product?  Vonnegut brought to the screen yet again and a kickass ensemble cast is along for the ride, including such faves as Albert Finney, Buck Henry, Barbara Hershey and Chip Zien?  Can I buy my ticket now?

Two, two, TWO Shakespeare's in one!  The best of both worlds when there's a big studio version and a indie version coming out as well.  So not only do we get to see Kevin Kline as an anthropomorphic ass and Stanley Tucci as Puck (I can't wait) but we also get James Kerwin's MTV-ized view of the faerie world as well.  I'm looking forward to both projects.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the role of John Malkovich, normally played by John Malkovich, will be played in this evening's performance by John Cusack."  What?  That's right, and it's the premise of the most bizarre film I've heard of in a long time.  Ever since this film was announced as going forward, I've been waiting for the strangeness.  You know me and strangeness, we go way back.

1998's Indie Director Star graduates to the big leagues with the promise of scaring the crap out of all of us and kicking the horror genre in the ass.  Go for it, Aronofsky!  1998 showed us that Carpenter sure can't do it anymore and I fear Virus is going to be Deep Rising with just some added killer Erector sets thrown in for good measure.  Darren was able to freak me out with a bunch of ants.  Imagine an entire submarine at his disposal.  And a large budget.  Awwww, yeah.

An incredible piece of literature brought to the big screen and hopefully it won't be screwed up.  The last I heard, this film was being listed as a "dark comedy."  Uh-uh.  This is strong stuff, some of the finest Faulkner around.  A woman gets her revenge on her family after death by making them promise to bury her body in the earth from where she originally came from.  Dark comedy?  Yeah, maybe if Peter Berg butchered it.  But no.  Sean Penn is the only star attached, but I know they'll take good care of this one.  Right, guys?  Right?

Ah...religious comedy.  I want this one if for no other reason than to make nervous all the people who haven't even seen it and already know it's evil and should be destroyed.  But then add in Chris Rock as the lost disciple, George Carlin as a cardinal(?!), and the girl who would go down on you in a theatre as God Almighty.  I snicker just thinking of it all.  Thank you, Miramax, for having the guts to bring something like this to the fore.  For every moron with a picket sign, there'll be his or her kids sneaking into a theatre across town to see it.  I love it, do you hear me?

Shakespeare.  Always a favorite of mine.  A tragedy with the obligatory high body count.  And this film, reportedly, is the last time we'll see Hopkins on the big screen.  [Widge dons black armband]  Someone please tell me this is a joke, dammit.  Anyway, couple that with Julie Taymor, the director extraordinaire who brought the amazing Lion King to Broadway and again, I want my seat reserved this instant.

It's almost anti-climactic to say it, but you knew anyway...

What a surprise, right?  Hell, I can't parody the title and not really want to see it, right?  And what could I say about this that you haven't already said to yourself?  Nothing.  Except maybe: "Plot does matter."  At least this Memorial Day I won't spend fifteen minutes trying to get my money back after wasting my time in an overblown, soulless spectacle.  Thank you, George.

And there it is, people.  Ripe fodder for talk around the water cooler, that is if you want the extent of the conversation to be: BILL: "Hey, Jim, did you read what Widge wrote in Phantom Grimace last week?  Pretty amazing, huh?"  JIM: "Who?"

Widgett is a figment of humanity's collective imagination given flesh, operating from a secret underwater fortress in an undisclosed location off the coast of Iowa.  He is the founder of the Sleep Deprivation Institute and an active member of the Secret Society of Guerilla Ontologists.  When he's not championing independent films or complaining, he spends his dwindling free time writing short fiction, poetry, novels, essays, screenplays and children's books under a pseudonym.  He also does weddings and bar mitzvahs.  His rates are quite reasonable, as he can normally be found wandering the halls of Corona HQ with a sign around his neck that says, "Will Write For Food." Previous issues of Widgett's column are also available.