* 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. 

* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 

* A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 

* For peoples who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. 

* I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... 

* The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

* There cannot be a crisis today: my schedule is already full. 

* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

* A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. 

* I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem. 

* Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. 

* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 

* Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock. 

* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 

* If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. 

* If I want your opinion, I'll ask to you to fill out the necessary forms. 

* Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. 

* It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. 

* Budget: a method for going broke methodically. 

* Car service: if it ain't broke, we'll break it. 

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark 

* Do witches run spell checkers? 

* Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. 

* Dain bramaged. 

* Department of Redundancy Department. 

* What has four legs and an arm? Happy pit bull. 

* Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 

* COFFEE.COM Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key... 

* Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 

* Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 

* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. 

* Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression! 

* The definition of an Upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in. 

* BREAKFAST.COM halted... Cereal port not responding... 

* The name is Baud...... James Baud. 

* BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! 

* Access denied--hah hah hah hah hah! 

* C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 

* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. 

* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" ? 

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 

* Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) 

* ....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 

* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available. 

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. 

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N) ? 

* A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. 

* 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 

* Windows: just another pane in the glass. 

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out of memory . . . 

* Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? 

* Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. 

* Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... 

* All computers wait at the same speed. 

* DEFINITION: Computer - a device designed to speed and automate errors. 

* Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ... 

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...... 

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... 

* ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI ! 

* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. 

* Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! 

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 

* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981. 

* Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS. 

* Press any key... no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 

* Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. 

* REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q), 

* Speed up my XT: run it on 220v! Works gre0?_|" 

* Hit any user to continue. 

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! 

* I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! 

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? 

* Disk full - press F1 to belch. 

* Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic? 

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? 

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? 

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. 

* Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. 

* Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.